


Breathe through me

by HoldOnImConfused



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Blood and Violence, Brotherly Love, Daryl Dixon Needs a Hug, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Good Sibling Merle Dixon, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Loyalty, M/M, Merle Dixon Being an Asshole, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Past Lori Grimes/Rick Grimes, Rick Grimes Needs a Hug, Smut, Trust Issues, Warnings May Change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-01-15 12:18:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 252,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18498829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoldOnImConfused/pseuds/HoldOnImConfused
Summary: Rick moves back to King County after years serving the law in Atlanta, now that he is back with a divorce on his belt and a scar on his side, two wonderful kids and a partner he has missed, he is ready to get back on his feet. This is where he meets the Dixon's, first impression of vocal cords and violence, a family disliked by the town. Rick catch glimpses on what lies beneath the surface and it's slowly pulling him in.





	1. Guidance and chaos

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there community of all the awesomeness of Fanction. 
> 
> I decided it was time for me to stop lurking around and to actually start writing something of my own. For a long time I have enjoyed going through so many works and I was content with just reading. There came a time recently though when my choice of genres and ratings ran me low on options and that's when I thought hey, maybe I can write something too.
> 
> Mind that there will be plenty of mistakes and that English is not my main language. My major issue seem to be the structure of sentences as I translate in my brain and I often find that I need to switch positions of words in them when reading through it later. Meaning I often write without feeling how off they become because my native structure and the English is still so close. But from what I've seen the community here is a good one and you members are very helpful and constructive.
> 
> I am a couple of chapters into the story so far but decided I wanted some mass before I started posting it. I also had the luxury to notice that clearing one chapter took more time than I thought it would and so I won't have any set release schedule because I have never written any Fanfiction before, nor any longer type of stories so this is a complete new experience for me. But it'll go as it goes and I hope we all enjoy it somewhat at least.
> 
> To begin the story, I decided to post the first chapter. I will later on start correcting the following ones while I continue to write one the newest part to the story. This means after this first 1 chapter post I will add multiple chapters at the same time. Nothing will be pre-determined, you can't trust me if I post one chapter or more at the same time, nor a pattern on which PoV will lead. Let's have fun with the chaos and shit making no sense I will call a story.
> 
> (And before I let you get to it, yes, there will be smut, it's the only reason I started writing this.)

“Hey girl.” She looked startled as he had spoken. Her eyes fearful and wary, green and shiny, reflecting the forest perfectly as she tried to hold her tears back. Her mother didn’t cry, she may be scared a lot of times but she never cried and she rarely ran away. Her mother was strong and so she thought she should be too.

“Whaddya doin’ out 'ere?” He didn’t step closer to her, figured he knew well enough how to respond, knew the look in her eyes as she viewed him back. He was ruggish looking, worn down clothes and messy brown hair falling into his face. Smudged by dirt, oil, recent kills and probably still had some of that fish scale from two days ago stuck somewhere on him. He looked wild, but calm and she took a moment of thought before it seemed as if he knew her and she him.

“Got lost, can’t find my mom. We were out camping at a lake and I wanted to find something nice for her.” She finally responded after having accepted him, even though she still hesitated at her spot. They didn’t know each other, but between them was something familiar, like she understood that he saw her and knew exactly why she was scared and didn’t mark her out on it. And he saw the moment she accepted him. She saw him, slowly judging him and finally as if seeing right through him she softened her eyes, deciding he wasn't someone out to hurt her. Kids were usually good at that but it also made them blind . She wasn’t, he could see that.

“Soun' stupid t’ me.” He spoke quietly, letting a hand rub at his chin where the short growth of a beard started to resist the touch before finally giving in. Sometimes it grew too long and he trimmed it down, but other than picking out a sharp knife and cutting it down he rarely bothered with his looks.

“I didn’t mean for it. You’re mean.” She spit back at him and he hunkered down to level out his far larger presence. She had picked a hollowed out tree, where she would never admit she’d been crying moments before realizing someone had found her. It was how he had found her, actually, noises of sniffling and uncontrolled breaths didn’t really keep the game close by and was surely not a sound of nature itself. He reached down a hand to her, offering his help to let her stand.

“A’ight, ‘cmon then, ain’t  havin’ ye scarin’ all t' animals away.” He nudged his hand in a quick motion, telling her to get on with it and take it. She did.

 

Daryl didn’t get to go back to his hunt. He did however get the awesome task at babysitting this girl for longer than he had intended. Not long after she had taken his hand and he started following her trail back, which was not so hard after having a scared girl leaving all kinds of obvious signs after her, the sky had rumbled and he knew instantly that a storm was coming and it would be a nasty one. She had stopped in her tracks after a tug, the result of her walking past not thinking that he had stopped she turned and looked toward him as he viewed the sky through the trees. Change of plans, he had said to her and talked about the storm, he also said she didn’t have to come with him if she thought he was some kind of freak but she had shook her head and tightened her grip on his hand. Got a strong little grip, he had thought at the time, surprised by her clutch as he lead them in the opposite direction for about two hours before reaching the worn down cabin. It suited him really, worn down housing for a worn down man right?

The sky had mercilessly started pouring down rain on them for the last of the thirty minutes of the trek. Sophia had arrived more dry than Daryl, having taken off his west and letting her use it as a shield from the rain and as politely as she probably had been raised, she handed it back to him first thing after getting inside. Her unending gaze through the young eyes looked around at the bare space, a spare sofa, an adjoined kitchen to the living room it was in, a door to what was most likely a smaller bathroom and two closed doors more suited for a bedrooms. All in all it was small with few possessions. The outside had been too dark to see anything through, with the rain and all. Despite the lack of personal things it wasn’t as dirty as one would assume, surely there were dust on some windowsills and the areas rarely used, but other than that the other areas were maintained. The kitchen was clean from any china or leftover food but the fridge had smudges around the handles. She knew her mother would freak and rub the spots clean if she could see them. She noticed how he dragged the mud inside with him on the floor where she had taken her shoes off, he noticed too and carefully reached to lift her, waiting a moment before getting a nod that it was okay. He had already carried her part of the way to the cabin, yet he always asked for permission before attempting to lift her. So with permission he carried her to the sofa and that was how she knew, him throwing the blanket on her and letting her know he’d try to find something she could use while her clothes would dry. She thought about the dust of the unused areas when she smelled the blanket, it smelled clean and she guessed that maybe he didn't use it much but kept it on the laundry schedule.

“Hey what’s your name?” She had asked him while he had started walking to what she guessed was his bedroom.

“I’m Sophia.” She added, throwing her head to the side so she could catch a glimpse of him, natural eye contact when talking to someone and all. She pulled the blanket closer to her, already snuggling into it as she heard him respond with a shrug of his shoulders and a _“doesn’t matter.”_. She didn’t ask again after that. He found her a t-shirt from his younger years, of course it was still too big on her but she told him they could work with this and in a way, it was a relief this kid was easy to deal with. After starting a fire to warm the place up he tossed her an extra blanket and told her to get some sleep, that they would leave as soon as the storm let up and they had some daylight, and so she did. The second blanket smelled more used than the one from the sofa and she smiled lightly before laying down to catch that sleep.

 

* * *

 

 “Oh my god Sophia!” Carol burst out as she walked through the clearing. The road leading down to the lake campsite separating them for mere seconds as they both ran to each other. Maybe her mother cried, she thought she saw something looking very close to it but she also knew that her mother didn’t cry, even if she did, she didn’t. They embraced in a hug and Carol held her daughter tight. Ed was still standing with the officers about to head out to look for the girl, talking about picking up from where they left it the previous day when the storm hit.

“I was so worried honey, are you okay?” She asked, in the background the police officers started to move closer to assess the situation of the missing girl who in fact was no longer missing. Sophia nodded to her mother, while trying to cover all possible kinds of questions and words pouring out of Carol, what happened, if was she cold, promising to never stray away like that again.

“Looks like case closed brother.” Said the cop introduced as Officer Shane Walsh. The other one looked more concerned than the carefree smile of Officer Walsh.

“Excuse me, hey Sophia, I’m Rick.” He excused himself toward Carol, but then continued on to aim his speech toward the girl. Sophia took her time but she finally looked at Rick, an unreadable expression on her face next to the smudges of cheek against cheek her mother had managed in the small window of time. He figure she was untrusting to new people, maybe still scared, considering an expression like this was rare on kids even after an event like this, they would probably be crying their eyes off now but this girl didn’t and he knew an unsettling feeling brewed deep in his gut but he pushed it aside. He tried to speak gently to her. Having two kids of his own, he knew how to do the kind dad voice.

“Hey it’s okay. Just worried because you were gone for a long time, did you find some place to take shelter?” She just looked at him and then gave him an easy nod. She was dry and not that dirty for a kid missing over night during a storm, so there was she must have had been somewhere while the worst passed over. Rick smiled toward Sophia.

“That’s good.” He said, continuing with his kind dad voice and feeling confident in it. “You did good, would you mind telling me what happened?” He didn’t really want to ask her but he had to rule out even this possible route. kidnapping was not common in Kings County, hell a lot of kids got lost and came back with a warrior story to share on how they survived in the woods for 4 hours eating a worm or two when in reality they had just unknowingly circled around the area. Sophia was been different, she was less dirty than a kid missing 4 hours, dry and despite being wary from her experience she was far from scared shitless and snotting all over her mother. Speaking of her mother, she shot Rick a threatening glance, as if asking him how he dared pushing her girl more, like wasn't there a better time for it and whatever else he could read into it. He quickly decided for such a petite woman, she was one to be feared when protecting her young one.

“I’d like it if you told me what happened so we don’t make any mistakes.” He followed up with after shaking off the mothers glare. Was it cruel to guilt kids? Maybe, Rick did feel a bit bad about making her the bad person in this scenario for not explaining everything when she clearly wasn’t. But he quickly added before Sophia's mother could actually stab him with any first object around, because a fear for his life had started tingling in his stomach. “It would help us if any other kids would go missing, the more we have about these incidents the quicker we can find them.” Partly true, partly manipulation, but the girl seemed to accept it and she waved him down, unable to slink out of her mothers’ loving arms and so he lowered himself feeling Shane holding back a laugh behind his back as Rick was at the mercy of kids, as always.

“I wanted to look for a present for my mom but got lost.” She pointed to where she had come out, indicating that’s the way she had gone the first time when she had gotten lost and Rick nodded, understanding. He did think they could rule out a kidnapping, the chance of it had been so low from the start anyway and now that she was back but there was still the fact that the storm had been harsh and had she been missing for that amount of time without the falling rain then maybe it would be completely ruled out. But since that wasn't the case he had to ask her for all the details. He was pulled from thought by her voice, this time she looked straight at him, could feel the intense eyes of the young one so he pulled his from the woods. She looked determined, way too grown up for a little girl and he gave her mother a quick look and saw the similarities between them. They were strong, both of them.

“Promise me okay?” Sophia demanded, though it was phrased like a question it was more like a demand and Rick hesitated, promise her what? He couldn’t just go around promising something he didn’t know. He had hoped she would give him more to go on, but the girl held firm, not a peep until Rick finally caved at the mercy of a child and agreed with a sigh, knowing Shane was probably getting red in his face finding it even more hilarious, especially when the tiny hand popped out for them to sake on it. Oh for fucks sake, but he shook her hand, but before he let go he would attempt a deal.

“I can't just promise because I am an officer of the law. But if you accept the terms of this deal, then what I can promise is to hear you out and that we can discuss it.” She had to understand that maybe he had to do what he had to do, because he was bound by law. The time stood still for the time at the bartering but she finally shook the last time, accepting the terms and somehow he just knew this kid was smart enough to understand he had obligations.

“A guy in the woods found me, I tried to ask for his name but he didn’t tell me. He was nice, made a fire, gave me his blanket and food, then when the rain was over he led me back here.” She looked toward the clearing next to the road again, as if expecting to see him through the foliage but knowing she wouldn’t. Now both officers did tense up in alert at the mention of another person but Sophia made a grab for Ricks hand to gain his attention back.

"You promised." She had read them and acted instantly, but Rick remembered that yes he had promised.

"Alright, he just helped you, gave you shelter?" Rick asked and Sophia nodded.

"Lead you back and then left, you know that sounds suspicious sweetie." Rick creased his eyebrows while Sophia's eyes held firm.

“Said he didn’t want any trouble with the cops, don’t think he likes you. But he helped me and you promised, so you can’t look for him without discussing it with me."  Way to sweeten the deal kid, Ricks’ heart broke. She was sure, not scared, she looked like a different kid and so he accepted it. She hadn't been scared coming back either so the guy had to have been decent?

 

* * *

 

The whole day ended after taking statements and in the end Sophia went home with her mother and father, no mystery woodsman was pursued after he and Sophia talked through the events and the case was closed like that. They had been asked to come by the station later at some point just to sign the initiated paperwork but that there was no rush since nothing more serious lay behind the incident. Rick and Shane spent the evening at the bar exchanging stories of their time apart, expressing the gratitude of being back together again as partners on the force even if Rick had been back in Kings County for over a month the eagerness to share their time didn’t seem to fade.  Rick was glad to be back, glad for the  cases that turned out to be nothing major, like the Peletier case this day. Atlanta had been different, tougher and with losing Lori it didn’t have any appeal to him anymore so after packing Carl and Judith and moving back home, here he was feeling he could breathe a bit more easily. Even if Shane talked so much he was surprised there was any oxygen left in this bar. Rick could feel himself smiling, just enjoying the annoying constant talking of Shane, smiling and breathing, like he could get used to a life like this.

 Rick did not get the time and luxury to get used to a life like this. In fact he was faced with a reoccurring face at the station and the most VIP attendant to the drunk tank. Merle Dixon was as loud as the loudest loudmouth he ever met, if not even worse. Every now and then his paperwork would be interrupted by the hollering of the same mind wrecking, ear tearing voice of a man who should probably start paying rent to King County PD for his time spent here. Now getting used to a life like this could probably be very possible, get the routines down, drive the kids to school, make food, clean, work all those necessities but.. could he make Merle Dixon a routine, something to just blend into his natural part of the day like the rest of what made his life, a good life? Rick thinks not. It was a forever challenge to try and get used to this one particular man that after over a month of being back and hearing it plenty enough of times Rick started to doubt himself, nope, getting used to Merle Dixon was definitely impossible.

Rick stared at his paperwork where his fingers had stopped on the keyboard at the sound of Merle's hollering, really he should probably make a visit to the doc just in case his ears started to bleed then maybe he could minimize the damage. Trailing the keys underneath his fingertips, they just started moving in an attempt to continue the report of the Peletiers case. Nothing much to report really, yet Rick always liked to be thorough, safe to say the details left out did bug him in that annoying way he lost an hour of sleep every night trying to put a puzzle together to which had lacked half of the pieces, an impossible task. He smirked to himself, with Merle Dixon he started to see a pattern in his new life. But he had a report to continue on and then Carol Peletier was invited to come by and confirm the statements with her daughter so nothing was left in the wrong and maybe giving the daughter some time to stew on it, she would be willing to tell them if she knew more. It was getting past dinner time, Carols shift at the hospital was making this later hour the only time she had to come by, which reminded Rick and he reached for the sandwich next to him, he needed to eat because he needed not for his stomach to start rumbling during the time Carol was here. If he was really honest closing this case hadn’t been necessary, it had barely been open from the beginning but it would allow him to also check up on these two, Shane always said he got too involved, that he had to learn to let go sometimes  and he had said the same just as the shift had started and Rick had mentioned that Carol and her daughter would be coming by later. Rick also remembered Shane's evaluation of Rick being dramatic and too involved, saying _“you gotta stop saying ‘losing’ Lori, you divorced, she didn’t die.”_ Rick would bubble with some light anger but then it would quickly subside, knowing Shane was right but he was stuck somewhere in between his falling out of love for his wife and being in love with her. He would dismiss Shane with a wave of his hand and blame it on the coma. But, not even those depressing thoughts could keep Merle Dixon out of his head, no matter how good of sound proofing of the mind it was, the asshole seemed to always make it through.

“What he do this time, drunk and disorderly again?” Rick asked not looking up from the screen, chewing a bite on the sandwich while his fingers started tapping again, leaving open the areas where possible new information could still be added but if not, he could just remove them. He wasn’t even sure why he was writing it, pulling this kind of move was a waste of time but he couldn’t stop himself. It wouldn’t hurt the department, but no one would read the report.  
“Probably either high as a kite or drunk as a skunk.” You could hear Shane’s smirk through his words and just because he had spent a majority of his life in Atlanta it didn’t mean their relationship had soured or gotten damaged. Rick felt assured about there was at least one thing in King County he already knew, much of the rest had changed, both small and big changes. But falling into the old pattern with Shane had been easy and it made him connect to the department a lot faster then it probably should have taken him. It did help to have Shane vouch for him in ways that made Rick out as the best guy ever in the world or, the best dad you ever saw, the one who would beat everyone else's paperwork in a flash. That’s why he did look up when a small almost unnoticeable gasp left Shane. His partner was looking toward the cells where Merle had clearly been dragged through.

“What.” Rick asked now his hands abandoning the keyboard, interest laying somewhere else when Shane looked back he nodded toward the cells where they were taking care of Merle, his obvious  sounds of hollering sounding way louder than the officers voices telling him it was too early to be this drunk. Which it was for the majority of the population.

“Looks like they caught double Dixon tonight." Shane filled in and Rick stretched up from his slumped relaxed and most enjoyable report position to turn his upper back in the chair.

"There's two of them?" He asked while distracted, trying to find the second drunk being pulled into the drunk tank, a second Merle but no one similar to him was there. Rick viewed the guy they were currently leading to the cell, shaggy brown hair shielding his face, posture tense but he was going along with the officers without resisting, in fact not a word left his lips and still the only noise was Merles loud ass voice and the other drunks shouting for Merle to shut the fuck up.

"Yep, but we rarely get the younger one in here, never alone either." Shane started explaining and Rick caught him nodding to the brunette they were releasing the cuffs on. Rick had a hard time believing it and he even took a second look toward Shane to get this absolutely confirmed. This was a relative to Merle? Now sure, Rick wasn't close but this guy was anything but Merle, not counting the alcohol and worn clothing.

"Usually only when Merle caused a storm, probably he just gets wrapped into the swirl of Merle. Dude's real creepy, quiet, I'm telling you man he's weird." Shane continued to explain and if Rick was honest he still wasn't sure they could be from the same family. Rick turned back to Shane who was still smirking at Rick, knowing exactly he had a hard time believing anything he was saying. Sure the dressing and the rough reality of life for the less fortunate was all over them but still.

"It's not bullshit I swear, that one is Merles younger brother. He's been in a few times, but not too many and other than that none of us here see him around much, he's like a quiet weird creepy ghost." To Ricks surprise he couldn't map out any bullshit from Shane, which was usually mostly what fell from his tongue whenever his mouth opened.  Rick shrugged and Shane laughed, flicking a piece of paper which Rick easily deflected with his hand.

"Oh man you totally didn't believe me! I get it though." Shane seemed to get it for real also, he probably had some similar experience the first time the younger was with the older one. But with his partners hand slapping down on the table, a truce between their little teasing war was issued and he got up. Shane took his mug of coffee and turned his chin a bit upwards while holding his hand out to Rick, asking without words if he wanted a refill. Being allowed a moment to feel, he smoothly handed the mug over to Shane because hell yes, he definitely needed more coffee if he was going to continue filling out his paperwork with Dixon's hollering and shouting in the background. Shane disappeared for a few seconds and Rick allowed himself another peak toward holding. The Dixons were already looked into the drunk tank, the older one talking about his rights, how they were all pigs, they were pussies for a simple fight and whatever foul words he could manage to vomit. The contrast between the brother were clear, almost black and white but Rick couldn't decide on it 100%, they were family after all. The younger one had settled down on a free cot, leaned his head toward the wall and seemed perfectly content despite the yelling and swearing. Yep, definitely brothers if he could cancel out the sound of Merles voice and hey, if he could do it maybe Rick would be able to do so himself at some point. At least there was hope. Rick shook his head, slightly amused at the feeling of hope and as he turned back Shane arrived with a steaming mug of coffee which he placed on Rick’s desk. It was still swirling around at the top of the liquid, black with the brownish dark shades to the surface.

"Freshly brewed, we're in luck."

 

* * *

 

Carol arrived at 7:45 PM, roughly 20 minutes after the caffeine boost of the fresh coffee.  Sophia was with her and they both sat down in the two free seats next to Ricks desk and Shane, for once actually being tactful, took his leave to let them have this short chat by themselves, less pressure with less presence. Rick was actually impressed of his partners probably short lived finesse. He may have been away from Shane for the last 10 years but he doubted a guy with such a stubborn and thick skull could learn much in that time, he couldn't even remember any other moment where Shane had been. Oh, well there was that time when he and Lori had their first date and Shane had sensibility enough to quickly excuse himself as soon as he had bumped into them. It still took him 5 minutes before realizing Rick was getting onto something, giving him glares whenever he had the chance to escape Lori's eyes and another 2 minutes for the dots to connect that they were building up the big moment of the goodbye kiss. Shane had quickly disposed of himself so yea, he did remember one time, amazing.

They greeted each other with reserved handshakes and to Sophia he simple waved and gave her a kind hello.  He had to go through the story and therefore moved his chair and turned his screen for Carol to view through it and they talked around the incident while asking Sophia questions on what was written, all to which she confirmed and nothing new was added.  After 15 minutes he asked Carol if she wanted any coffee and if maybe Sophia wanted a soda, taking a break from the constant flow of information which made them both feel slightly exhausted. Rick explained that he just wanted to send it in for the records but no other measures would be taken considering the case had been closed. But if Carol was as sharp and strong as he had gotten a glimpse of during their first meeting she had probably picked up on his need to check up on them. After all her husband had barely bothered when Sophia had come out of the woods, he'd hung back in his camping chair talking to Officer Chambler, one of the newer recruits to the force. If Carol did see through him, she did so with a skeptical eye but a polite smile, thanking him more out of courtesy but allowing nothing more. She was a guarded woman by the way she held herself, long sleeves with thin fingers sticking out of them, clutching the fabric of her cardigan tightly to her body whenever she wasn't holding onto Sophia. She did accept his offer for coffee though and Rick handed Sophia a 10 dollar bill and pointed to the vending machine with no smaller change at hand.

"Get whatever soda you want, if you want we can come with you." He'd said to her but Sophia had declined his offer and reluctantly taken the money. She only did so after her mother had spurred her on, saying it was okay for her to go grab a soda. Sophia walked over to the machine allowing Rick and Carol some time without the daughter around while he took out a clean mug from the kitchen cabinets to pour some for her before grabbing his own, non-clean mug and repeated the motion. 

"She seems to be doing okay considering she's a kid and got lost." Carol viewed him without turning her face, just a sideway glance but Rick caught on to it.

"She is." She shortly responded, sure and precise about it. Almost as if she told Rick here's the line and you don't have the right to cross over and check what's on this side. Rick sipped at his coffee, sucked in a short breath which he let out with an "alright" for Carol. Letting her know he accepted her will to leave it at that. This seemed to guilt Carol a bit though and now she did turn her face to look at him, lips pursed but determined to express herself.

"Thanks." She finally said and took her first sip of the coffee, eyebrows crunching together slightly and her obvious look of distaste had Rick chuckle, looking both amused and feeling bad for her.

"Oh sorry, guess I am used to this bad coffee." He said and Carol seemed to weigh his innocent and honest face. She may have hinted about the line not to be crossed just before but it still felt like some of the ice between them cracked. She allowed a tiny smirk in return and took another sip, letting him off the hook for it this time seeming somewhat amused herself.

"I'm sure you are." She fired back and Rick started leading them back to his desk to resume their task after they were done drinking coffee. Carol looked around and seemed to twitch a bit more panic like when they couldn't see Sophia waiting there for them. Really there shouldn't have been any cause for alarm, they were inside a god damn station but still Carol held nothing back.

"Sophia?" She said while expanding her search range and Rick followed up, trying to place a supporting hand on her shoulder which she jumped away from. He quickly picked up that maybe the close personal space invasion was forbidden, adding it as a mental note to be more cautious the next time, assuming he'd have a next time with Carol and her daughter. He hoped maybe there would, he wasn't blind, saw the signs of more going on behind the walls of her home than she let on. Hell it sometimes felt like her looks dared him to say something, so intense he simply backed off. She wasn't in a place to ask for it. Rick followed up on looking through the station.

Both of their attention was drawn at Merle raising his voice and then it was hard to keep up. Sophia stood in front of the cells with some distance of course, but she was still there looking through the bars. Behind the metal poles was a back with wings sewn onto the leather west this back was wearing and in front of the one wearing it was Merle pointing to the girl past the one blocking her.  Rick saw the body language of two wired and on edge people, tensed muscles just waiting for the moment to strike or strike back. This was not just a disagreement, this was full on aggression and you could definitely hear the -oh shit pin- drop through the entire station just before the first punch was thrown.

The first punch was responded to just as fast and before the officers on duty in the station had much time to react and move the brawl was already fully blow out and these two did not hold their punches by any means. Rick, Shane and Tara had been closest and first to drop whatever they were doing before rushing in to open the cells and break the fight. Rick took a second to stop so he could pull Sophia back and right behind him was Carol to grab onto her daughter again. They would need the space outside the cells to when separating these two and so he quickly motioned for them to move away. The sound was echoing through their space as Rick moved on to assist Tara and Shane, knowing it would be troublesome enough with three of them to contain these two but the echoes cracked on bones, split skin on more places than the lips most likely. Heavy breathing which only seemed to pick them up to go again, keep on throwing until one of them was no longer standing, there were no breaks. Shane grabbed onto Merle while Tara and Rick took the other one, noticing it was the younger Dixon, on some occasion Shane had said his name was Daryl if Rick remembered correctly.

It was hard holding them back from each other, even if the younger Dixon was more unknown to him, he was still Merles brother and here you could clearly see the family resemblance. Besides, there were small ringing alarm bells going off inside the cells around the brothers anyway. The second Rick caught up with Tara and they started to restrain the younger Dixon, his body had frozen for a mere split second before tensing up and on the other side of the cell Merle kicked and swore in the likes of _"fuck you Walsh"_ or _"maybe ye wan’ya nose smashed again huh?"_. So that’s the famous story Shane never told anyone, Rick sucked up the brief moment of information he would use to tease his partner later and then he was right back in the moment. He could swear that the air between the two was prickling with lightning, looking for something to fuse onto so it could blow. Maybe Rick could even go as far as saying he was sure these two had been ready to kill each other in that moment, still were by the feeling of the body of the younger Dixon who had started to thrash more violently, almost desperate to get away. His eyes were flicking back and forth from the cops and Merle while Shane got help from Officer Jones and they started manhandling Merle down to the ground.

When the shift happened, it was instant and so sudden that the moment was lost to the world. For a fistfight in a fucking police station and the readiness to kill each other, it sure was a sight to confuse them all. Rick had felt the harsh pull, limbs and skin saying it was fucking getting out of that grip. The younger Dixon had torn himself out of their grip and maybe watching the violent older Dixon had made them a bit soft on their judgment on the younger one, who surely had felt the need to get out of the grips they had managed him on him, up until now. Despite the fighting energy, the anger and bloodied skin and knuckles, the electrified air inside the cell crackling of murder and whatever you did not want to be done to you, it all changed and Rick expected to get pummeled, he expected Tara to, or Shane, or Officer Jones. The younger Dixon didn’t do anything like Rick was expecting, any of them expecting if he guessed right, knowing moments like these were those where exactly these situations got out of hand. Instead he had moved in the moment of confusion closer to his brother and violently gripped a hold on Shane to pull him off Merle.

“Get th’fuck off’im.” The younger Dixon threatened. Raspy voice which probably rarely spoke as loud as it did in this moment. Morgan, who luckily looked to be the second target to go, was able to pull away before the younger Dixon could grab him, being well warned with a glare that could kill him ten times over. Well shit, the threat struck cold throughout the cell but there was no followed up violence as the older Dixon got up on his knees next to the younger one. Rick still felt himself being surprised, caught off guard in the difference in their voices, Merle was " _Rick's ears bleeding not even after two words_ " but Daryl’s was the opposite, even raising his voice he sounded quiet but deadly. Shane had said he was, but Rick wondered if maybe not hearing anything like Merle from him he’d made up a fantasy about the younger one being a mute, well duh Rick truth to the matter, he wasn’t. Rick really had to get a grip on himself, after Lori and moving back sometimes his mind would just wander off. He looked at the brothers now compared to just a moment ago, when they were ready to bash each other's skulls in, now they were fending for themselves and each other with the cops as their enemy. The sight was a complete turn.

More officers had arrived at the commotion and the station was clearly ready to call an end to it all. The brothers seemed to know that they had nothing to win in this moment but it still took a while for them to start giving up, for their fight or flight instinct to wash away and Rick doubted Merle calmed down any. The younger one had and didn't more than flinch at Rick and Chambler moving in to keep him. But he did notice the quick look toward Shane when he made a new attempt at restraining Merle, Daryl almost looked panicked while simultaneously wanting to stab him bloody the second he didn’t like what he saw.

“You don’.” He spit out, muscles tensing up again in the younger Brother, now back in Ricks grip. After the initial flinch he had been calmer but still fidgeting like some pages in the wind, uncomfortable but standing his ground out of? Well not respect for the law, but out of common sense maybe telling him  any further shit was pointless, any shit except against his brother. The faint smell of booze lingered on his skin but it wasn't so bad that Rick was convinced he was stirring the trouble because he was drunk. No being wasted from the toes to top was clearly on the older brother who stank of whiskey and cigarettes even from a distance. Rick had turned his eyes up to follow what Daryl was saying and his eyebrows creased before he looked back. Somewhat high cheekbones, dirty and life experienced skin but still he looked nothing like Merle, having his shaggy brown hair somewhat out of his face with blood clots keeping it stuck, Rick saw the guy more clearly than he had before. The younger Dixon was intently staring at Shane, maybe wishing he had the power to control who took care of his brother while he started trying to shrug himself out of the hands on his arms. He had stopped fighting violently when they had separated the two of them but they still held on to him lightly, the younger brothers reactions to Shane could have him burst any second. Rick felt a tug on his hand where he held the younger brother, Daryl seemed to silently ask Rick to let the fuck go of him and that he wasn’t going to move. For some reason, Rick did. Fingers lightening up before letting go of the arm, the younger Dixon remained on his spot like he had somehow promised. Rick still kept him inside his view, just as a precaution. His brain was assessing the Shane and Merle situation as something personal and decided it would maybe be better if Shane didn't try to restrain  the older Dixon.

“It’s alright Shane, I got it.” Rick said while waving Tara over. He noticed Shane’s swollen lip, having received what most likely an elbow from the older Dixon in the heat of the moment. Rick moved to take care of Merle and for the first time he met the eyes of the younger brother. He was still angry, on edge but he looked calm, in fact they may even have been just a tiny pinch of fucking gratitude. Rick took a breath, feeling the commotion draining him and the fact that he was no longer being used to this. His coma had reduced him to something smaller than the Atlanta officer he'd been but King County was a good place to get back on his feet, the small crime and petty thefts, nothing major really and that was what he needed. The scene that had just been taken under control had been closer to the daily life of Atlanta, familiar yet strange and he took a breath to calm the conflicted feelings in his stomach weighing the city life to this small town one.

Shane quickly wet his upper lip, swelling more as the seconds tick tocked away from them but he stepped back to let Rick take Merle, he then turned in place and reeled the rookies in by his loud voice.

"Okay so which newcomer put the Dixons in the same fucking cell?" He asked and eyed them all one by one, as if it was common knowledge that you never did that. Rick raised an eyebrow while bringing Merle with him to the next cell over, admitting to himself that he was a bit curious. He was one month in, a bit more even and this supposedly common rule was never mentioned, then again Shane had said that two at the same time rarely happened. But by the looks of Shane's statement and this obvious King County PD super special rule he assumed it tended to end this way, if that meant specifically the two of them fighting each other or others he couldn't confirm yet but maybe, thinking back on Shane talking, maybe Merle started some shit and Daryl ended up backing him up? Therefore they stirred shit around the shit pool with skills a lot like a power tool. Maybe he would ask Shane later, seemed like good shit to know.

At some point one of the new recruits had raised his hand, put in the spotlight and having to admit to his apparent mistake. Shane stepped closed and gave him a thorough briefing regarding the matter at hand, making sure he was loud enough to let the other rookies hear him and trying to ignore Merle strutting around on a sudden high horse, puffing his chest out and filling in on how the stations employed fine people couldn't handle him and how they did right by keeping them apart, being pussies and all that couldn't handle the Dixon's. Merle really was so full of shit.

The younger one seemed  to have settled down on the cot again and face palmed his time throughout the lecture and all of Merle's shit, probably not wanting to be a part of it but Rick swore he could hear a "Merle shut t'fuck up already." being tossed in the older Dixons direction and Rick may have had doubts about it, viewing the younger brother for any sign of him having actually said it when Merle confirmed it for him with a "awh don'be like that baby bro." then cackling loudly for no reason at all, it was probably just the way he was wired. They looked worse for wear though, new bruises and some blood clotting, skin of the knuckles cracked and bloody. Really didn't seem to affect them too much. The air started to tense up again and the officers in control all started feeling it, becoming sure that something would break again but it dissipated after a huff of ignorance from the younger and a snort of whatever from the older.

At least things had calmed down. The lecture had been dealt out, the cells were locked. The rookies all except Tara looked a bit dejected, well no shit all things considered and it was worst for Nicholas who had lead the rookie team. Then again letting the rookies take over Merle when he arrived at the station had been quite the mean teasing, but the senior officer had probably figured that since they were already at the station what could go wrong? That the force of these selected drunks was definitely a challenge for newcomers and Rick could remember a similar test he had to endure in Atlanta during his probie time. Small town, big town, having regulars at the station was something these would always have in common. Rookies were to be tested.

Rick and Carol had resumed themselves at the presence of hard chairs nagging your ass all day long and a surprisingly okay desk. Sophia sat in her lap with her soda which she’d managed to buy before the commotion. She looked a bit different though, for a child at such a scene and being close to it she should have been at least a bit scared but she looked fine, a bit content even sipping her soda and every now and then her green eyes every for a few moments sliding off toward the cells before snapping back to attention. Really, what they were doing now could barely count as paperwork, more like a short break still to just defuse their brains, drink some of the coffee that was now luke warm rather than hot but neither complained.

“Well thanks again, I don’t think there’s anything more. Did you drive here or would you like someone to give you a ride?" He asked knowing a few people would soon be heading out on patrol or home and could easily drop the two off at their home. Carol shook her head and tipped the last of the bad coffee inside and sat her mug down.

“No that’s alright, we drove.” She hugged around Sophia, letting the moment expand because she still had some soda left. Usually it was gone in a second when she did get soda, because they rarely went out for such small luxuries but now the kid had taken her time. Carols attention was grabbed by her daughter when she raised a hand and waved for her mother to lean in so she could whisper in her ear. Carol did and her face scrunched up a bit before she pulled back as if confused by what her daughter had whispered. Rick waited patiently, curious yes but he was used to reeling in slowly, in fact he was good at it and it made him a good cop too.

“She wants to ask you what this name is, the one from before.” Carol said slowly, clearly hesitating if she should even allow the words to leave them. Her hands lightly moved to hold on to Sophia’s shoulders and she squeezed reassuringly, agreeing that this was okay to ask.

“Honey you’d have to specify.” Carol said considering there had been multiple people there. Ricks brain started wrecking through all the people, figured maybe she had been impressed with Shane at first but then he remembered she had been standing there before the fight even broke out. He picked himself back to the now when the movement of Sophia’s hand was raised to point, she did so a bit shyly and it was probably the first real kid-like look she’d had in the short time he’d known her. Rick had to turn again in his chair considering Carols and Sophia’s were placed on the side of his, Shane’s was opposite, he followed her finger and it landed on the Dixon cells but now there were two of them and he could easily track it to the younger Dixon, quickly in his mind ruling out that 1) she did point more toward the younger even if it was hard to tell at this distance and her hand being child size and 2) No fucking way was there anything about Merle Dixon to be impressed about except his amazingly thick skull. 

“Hm? That would be Daryl Dixon, the one with the leather west and brown hair.” Rick replied and Sophia nodded, clearly soaking in the name and memorizing it to her little brain as if she’d remember it forever and most likely even in a life of reincarnation if that was a thing. Rick admitted to himself that kids were scary, being a dad himself he kind of already knew that but he was rarely up to speed when he was reminded of it. Then Sophia actually smiled a bit, Carol looked confused, Rick looked confused and both of them waited for Sophia so sort her thoughts out because she had that sunken and thoughtful look in her eyes.  
“Why though?” Carol finally asked when Rick couldn’t despite wanting to. She had tilted her neck a bit so she could look at Sophia while talking to her. The kid met her mother’s eyes and then shaking her head with that tiny small smile still on her lips but now evolving into a little innocent smirk instead.

“Not telling.” And that was the end of it. Carol with raised eyebrows but no one was to say, despite the cheeky little attitude she was okay with her daughter, if not a bit impressed and she allowed it to slide. Rick left Carol his card out of professional courtesy and said if she had any law trouble she could call him, she took it in a way that told him she wasn’t going to but it never hurt and with the people he came into contact with like he had with Carol and Sophia he usually left them his number. They didn’t take much longer at the station, Rick thanking them again and feeling content with being able to send in the report of nothing and even more content about checking up on the pair. They shook hands and this time Sophia shook his too, maybe she liked him a little bit better this second time around. Like how the more you were exposed to something the more it could grow on you or the other way around, this seemed to be going in the positive direction. After that the Peletier’s left the station, Shane was back to his desk having spent some minutes in the bathroom with ice on his lip and the first thing he did when he slumped down opposite of Rick was swearing at the Dixons with their fucking tempers and low blows. Rick chuckled, finding it oddly deserving of Shane. They may be best friends but Shane could also be a bit of an asshole, not to say Rick had his moments too but they weren’t as natural as Shane’s, still Rick loved him like a brother.

“You okay?” He asked with a tone of amusement, earning himself a glare in return before a smile finally broke on Shane’s lips, one undamaged lower lip and the upper with controlled swelling. Shane winced a bit but overall the smile seemed to have been worth it.

“Damn well peachy Rick, these fucking hicks I swear.” Shane shook his head and rested his back against the chair, slinking his body down a bit. Rick chuckled, not too fond of Shane’s choice of words but not involved enough to care, just thought as a man of his position he could choose them better. Rick eyed through the notes while he made a “mhmm” sound in Shane’s direction and feeling satisfied about the summary and details he confirmed the report.

“Peletier woman okay?” Shane asked nodding over to Rick and his report. Rick looked up at Shane who was touching the sensitive skin on his upper lip making pained tiny noises whenever the touch got too rough.

“Yeah I think so.” Rick responded.

“She’s got bad luck, trash of a husband and then her kid getting lost.” Shane huffed, maybe even a bit annoyed or feeling bad for Carol, was a hard to tell but Rick frowned. Shane picked up on it, remembering Rick had only been here for about a month’s time.

“Right, disturbance calls at the Peletier’s is common, you wouldn’t know because well, you’re just back here. But we can’t do anything, not enough to make a case of it, she’s tight lipped about anything wrong so for all we know nothing is.” Rick pinched the bridge of his nose. Well of course he had seen signs of it so it wasn’t a surprise, but Shane was right, if nothing had been done already it was because they couldn’t do anything.

“Hey man, don’t let it hold your sleep, as long as she’s not coming forth or there’s another witness man.” Shane tried to appease the mood which had grown sour.

“Yeh I know.”

 

* * *

 

 

With roughly two more hours on their shift they wasted a lot of time just talking, drinking more coffee, wrapping up other minor reports, the mood had improved some time after the Peletier conversation but still had that lingering touch of sourness. At least they could finally head home.

It was just brewing scarcely underneath his consciousness, had begun sometime after that second or third cup of coffee just before he and Shane parted ways. Not Carol and the news about disturbance calls, something else. It stirred unnervingly but he couldn’t put it finger on what it was. It ended up annoying him the entire evening all the way from the station and to finally getting home and sending Beth Greene home from babysitting his son and daughter. Kissing his baby girls head and pulling Carl in for a hug as the boy had reached the age where daddy cuddles were embarrassing but he reluctantly caved for it ‘cause they were behind closed doors and no friends could see it. The mysterious itch bothered him as he carried his daughter around, gave her a bath and only her laughing and squeeling with chubby cheeks and water splashing hands could distract him. Carl was off playing videogames but came at Ricks call for getting his sister a proper towel, having forgotten fold and sort the laundry again. But there was so much more to life without Lori, she usually did most of these chores and Rick had made sure the car always had gas in it, helped her shopping whenever he was available and made a point of cleaning the dishes after they had eaten. Not to speak of his masterful skills at spring cleaning the windows spotless and shiny, he weirdly enough took too much pride in that for one man but hell, only Lori and Carl knew, some day Judith would too.

He put the kids to bed, first Judith and Carl stayed up for another two hours before Rick reminded him that he did in fact have school in the morning and Rick was not driving his lazy ass, which earn him a roll of Carls eyes and a _“yes daaaad”_ drawn out enough for Rick to smirk back at his son.

“And remember you are spending the weekend with your mother, I’ll miss you but you can call if you need and I will do the same kiddo.” Lori had almost demanded the weekends and the kids didn’t hate it, she was their mother after all and no one was to say she hadn’t done her part over and more when it came to fending for her children. But she had needed a break after also moving here, not wanting to be too far from her kids and with a new job to get used to and Rick guessed she wasn’t far from getting together with someone new either. But all in all the divorce had been tough but they had not ended up as enemies, rather they had handled it pretty well after realizing they weren’t in love with each other anymore. The difference was Lori' had gotten more time to adjust to a life without Rick during his coma while Rick had been tossed a life without Lori and was still struggling to keep up with the changes, always feeling like he was lagging behind.

“Good night dad.” Carl said after having crawled into bed and Rick answered his son with a good night back before shutting the door to an almost closed then headed for the laundry basked of freshly cleaned fabrics and clothes. He figured, get one thing done of all, start somehwere and the rest would soon follow or at least he hoped he could believe it hard enough.

When he laid down in bed, one empty cold side and one slowly warming to his body temperature it still annoyed him. The laundry had been therapeutic enough but now that he was done the bug in his brain started creeping out again but still only unkindly reminding him that there was something he was supposed to connect. Stormy blue and shaggy brown appeared and then there was Sophia, Merle, the incident at work. The way she had stood there and the way the brothers had started fighting. She hadn’t seemed like an ignorant kid being curious about criminals and the drunken scum of the town so there must have been a reason for her and oh, maybe they actually had a previous connection, maybe if someone as Sophia felt gratitude it would be enough to approach and confirm right? Rick mulled on the idea knowing damn well about _the_ someone helping her when she’d been lost, come to think of it the Dixon land was not too far from there, a few hours walk so sure it was a stretch and most likely he could have been wrong. But it still felt like it made sense, despite all the reasons for his brain to say there was no way that was the connection, there was only the wait for morning to come, sleep on it and maybe he’d catch the chance to know for sure.


	2. In her time of need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night at the cell with Merle leaves a lingering ringing of snores, it's one hell of a day with pigs snooping, ladies barging in on you and Fuck you very much Officer Curly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sat down and edited two of these bois yesterday, getting them ready for post as soon as I could make a fresh pot of coffee (I’ve been on instant coffee for the last 5 days so it felt like two moments to combine.)

Daryl had had a great fucking fantastic evening, starting at 6 pm and ending an hour later where Merle had managed to shove enough whiskey, vodka and probably some pills of whatever was in his stash these days, into his system enough to become a complete asshole. But it wasn’t really any surprise, Merle had a masterful skill of pissing people off but he also won most fights or puffed up his muscled chicken chest, strutting around with his loud voice enough for people to back off or leave the premises. This time though Merle had once again pissed someone off and thrown the first punch so 1) the guy had retaliated all in the meantime calling him a redneck dick and asshole and 2) he had brought two more because increasing the size of his tough cock with number of fighters was the brave thing to do. Now this had started pissing Daryl off. Not for the slurs against their much true trailer trash nature but yes, Merle was an asshole but today he was Daryl’s asshole and their pussy ways of numbering up against his brother, kin and blood well, no way the brothers were going to stand for that. Now it may have been that surely Merle had been the wasted one, but at least too could blame a tiny portion of it all on the alcohol, like say 15%, it made him feel better about his justification to act as he jumped into the fight. The Dixon's managed to trash half the bar but most damage was on the cunts being the reason for the entire fight, then the cops arrived faster than expected and his long awaited night out was cut to an end as they were shoved into a cell together.

He should have known though, going out with Merle that is, they were always going to back the other one up when needed but there was also those fights where they would just observe if they felt other deserved to be alone in it. A lot of the time Merle did deserve those punches but Daryl would never let him be floored and the same went the other way around too. But it was the first time in a long time they had been locked into the same cell, not that Daryl wanted to make a fuss, he just wanted to get the evening done, sleep and get let out in the morning. He pondered on hunting, always needing that fresh air and the unrelenting focus when tracking game. The feel of the wind as he moved and adjusted his direction, controlling the way his scent carried away from the animal he was tracking. When he had it in his sight, finger on the trigger brushing the metal everything would go silent. Then he would feel how he was breathing in, then the hold of his breath when he aimed and how he breathed out when he’d fired the arrow. He always needed it, craved it and after days like this he would almost be up to bartering murder just to get to go out and hunt. He wouldn’t be able to of course but the need still crawled and prickled under his skin, probably not too far away from Merle describing how it felt when he hadn’t used any drugs.

 

* * *

 

The evening turned out to become even more disastrous than it could, of course this was the whole reason why they usually locked the two of them in different cells when they were in. Either Daryl would defend Merle or they would fight each other, something about the bars and closed space between them just broke the aggression tap, allowing it to flood out so fast none could react to it in time. Which was always the case for Merle but Daryl had patience, control, up until the point where Merle used his knowledge and pushed the buttons that were impossible to find for someone who hadn’t grown up with him. This time it hadn’t even been that though. Daryl had opened his eyes at Merle using that sweet sugar taunting voice of his, usually he used it on women but on occasion some kids too, when he wanted to scare them out of pure need and satisfaction. Daryl doubted he understood why he even needed to do it because after he sometimes had a glimmer or regret in his eyes only for Daryl to see. Maybe he just needed to convince himself he was an asshole through and through to be able to live the way he did.

Before the cell was a girl, vaguely familiar at the distance but he soon enough recognized her and also saw her discomfort with Merles non-stop talking. He ended up moving to block her from his brother, telling him to back off earning himself a scoff and cackle wandering what crawled up his baby bro’s ass all of a sudden, teasing him for helping the girl out and then realizing that in some way the two knew of each other. Merle spent a few minutes trying to gauge out how just so he could continue teasing his brother and then taunt the girl, the inevitable moment came upon them soon enough. They both probably knew this would be how it turned out, Daryl threatening Merle back and stepping up closer to his brother, which was not something the older brother appreciated. Now usually Daryl followed Merle, rarely he stood up to his brother in a deep and personal way. He could speak his mind, go another direction or just be indifferent. But moments like this were intimate between them. Daryl rarely pushed them but he knew the buttons too and this time he had pushed one. Merle threw the first punch splitting a cut in Daryl’s eyebrows and the fight after that well, animalistic raw aggression against each other until the cops rushed in and got them away from each other, was the regular Dixon chaos.

The fight ended with bruises, some blood and cut skin. Daryl almost started it all up again when he saw Walsh being the one taking Merle, over his fucking dead body would he allow this douche of an asshole, over violent piece of shit cop to handle Merle, the flash memory of his bleeding brother in front of his eyes and the officer hadn’t even seemed close to done at the time. Maybe he hadn’t exactly noticed he was using so much force but it had seemed honest, a bit drunk, but honest, like Merle deserved the treatment and sure he did, Daryl really believed Merle often did but not by cops, they were poison.

It was one thing for the connection you had with the one you fought with, to deal damage and receive damage, to not bite off more than you could chew and to accept the result of your own decisions. The cops were not directly involved, they followed and acted out on rules and were a third party, so Daryl grit his teeth and bit out a fair warning to Walsh that he better not fucking touch Merle, or at least that was the entire sentence after silent translation. The curly one who held onto him, just a light grip on his arm that told him that yea he could try something but he wouldn’t get very far doing so. Like this cop believed in give and take situations, that Curly offered Daryl some trust and in return Daryl had to not break it.

Then Curly spoke, voice at his side reaching into his ears. He sounded kind, controlled, leading as he simply said to Walsh that it was okay, he would take Merle. Shit, had Curly heard him thinking or? There was no way, but the panic losing to impulse and urge to try bashing Walsh's head in with whatever he had close by. Even if he got shot doing so, subsided and the younger officer Chambler took over the care of Daryl. Things settled down fast enough after that, they may have been put in different cells but they still sat close whenever Merle didn’t have to strut around the edge of the cell and respond to anything any cops were saying, especially during Walsh's lesson. The fact that it didn’t piss Merle off that it had been Walsh in the previous moment that made Daryl hold on to lingering aggression for longer than he usually did, pissed him off yet again because Merle knew sure as hell exactly what Daryl knew.

Only when the woman and the child, Sophia, said they were leaving, did he spare a glance in their direction. He caught the kid waving good bye when no one was looking and lowered his head instead of waving back, ducking away from any participation in their little connection. Merle's snores started around 9 pm, probably he got fed up with being bored and decided to sleep instead and Daryl, with his brother lacking any sense of caution, chose to sleep with an eye open. Getting some rest sure but always nudging the state of awareness for the smallest of sounds, shooting an eye open through a creak in the lids before shutting them together again. Not like he could sleep in a place like this anyway.

 

* * *

 

 Daryl woke early morning or well, he guess he never really let himself sink into any kind of deep sleep so after going back to resting a couple of times he was just about to do so again when it struck him as odd this time. Someone was watching him, steps he heard all the time, had heard them about to pass his cell and then filtered it as nothing, therefore not noticing that they had stopped outside his cell. Damn one thing happening repeatedly, making it a pattern and programming the brain to then filter out, he should know better, hell he should live in a constant state of de-programming. There weren’t any other patterns than sleeping safe in the cabin or woods and hunting. That’s it. He tiredly raised his head and the blue eyes turned toward the cell door, showing obvious signs of annoying at the presence.

Curly stood there, he didn’t look too rested either but probably he had gotten a few hours at least. Normally you would expect someone finally getting the attention to just say something but Curly just fucking stood there, assessing him, weighing things in his mind and looking thoughtful. Daryl was close to spit out a “ _fking what.”_ but he held it back. He settled for glaring back into Curly’s eyes, his a different blue than his own maybe Georgia sky or ocean, hard to tell from a distance but memorizing features was a key skill to have. It had its advantage when people usually assumed he was stupid and he let them, better have them underestimate after all. As if to protest he sat up straight and turned his body toward Curly, defiantly without words, asking him what the fuck he wanted, noticing now that he held two cups of coffee and Walsh wasn’t here yet, an offering of sort perhaps?

“Oh sorry, I’m Rick Grimes, brought some coffee if you’d like, want to ask you something.” Curly lifted the mug in between the bars as if he expected Daryl to go and take it. Suspicion was growing and he narrowed his eyes, body noting clearly that he wasn’t going to move from his spot at the cot and so Curly lowered it and sat it on the floor, just in case maybe? What was his aim anyway, ask him something? He had the same voice as yesterday, leading and in control like he made the words as a suggestion but he voiced it in a way that didn’t make it a question optional for Daryl. He looked innocent enough, with baby blues and brown curls, the trimmed beard which was weird when the hair looked like it hadn’t been cut in a while. But then who was he to question looks. Not moving from his cot nor saying anything finally made Curly get the point.

“You know the girl yesterday, I saw her standing here. Did you know she got lost recently?” He asked trying to gauge a reaction probably but Daryl wouldn’t have any of it. His face remained like cut from stone, revealing nothing to Curly, wait Rick Grimes he’d said. Ah well, Curly suited him just fucking fine. As if Daryl was testing Curly’s patience he pulled a breath before finally continuing when Daryl added nothing in between, like it seemed the cop wanted.

“She said she got help, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, Dixon land is next to the Shapton’s.” Daryl narrowed his eyes further, the guy could have just come out and said _“hey I know it’s you just tell me”_ but he didn’t and so that mean he couldn’t be 100% sure. But Daryl figured he was sure enough, the way he spoke as if insinuating it made it clear enough and it was probably his role as a cop that had him asking, couldn’t act based on assumption in his line of work after all. Fucking cops.

“Nah.” He finally said while leaning back again, his back to the wall. As if he was leaning out from the conversation, putting distance between them in the vocal level and surely Curly would be able to read it perfectly fine, there weren’t any way he would ever know from Daryl’s mouth.

“I see, well, if you do find out whom, family land being close and all. Be sure to tell them we’re very grateful for helping her out, did a good thing.” Curly looked straight at him while lowering his forehead toward Daryl, fucking hell the guy knew. He just didn’t come out and say it, definitely needing Daryl to agree to it being true before doing so, no way he was going to do that. Daryl creased his eyebrows in annoyance.

“Fuck you Curly.” He said and turned back so he could lean his side to the wall, completely shutting Curly out, being a master of ignoring and filter out, it wasn’t hard, and if Curly tried anything, words or acts afterwards, he didn’t know.

 

* * *

 

They were released just before noon which meant a he had to sit around for a few hours with a splitting scull, stale station air, snores and the quiet morning rattle of the station. He didn’t see Curly around any after their brief conversation in the morning, maybe he hadn’t even been on his shift yet considering he worked late yesterday, yet he still had stopped by the station to what, ask Daryl about the girl and thank him because he already knew even if Daryl never confirmed? Seemed like it, but it was hard to accept it. Daryl justified his thoughts that Curly probably had a wife that had made him breakfast that morning and asked him to drive their four kids to school and then pick up milk, eggs and flour on his way back. In this fantasy world Daryl was creating the station just happened to be on the way from the school to the store and therefore, allowing Curly to take 15 minutes to stop by, offer Daryl the coffee which had grown cold on the floor and then gotten picked up by one of the rookies because it was not supposed to be there and last off, ask Daryl the question to confirm or thank him for no reason. Hell Curly wasn’t even related to them was he? Nor did they seem like friends from what Daryl had picked up, maybe he was just an actual good person, he sure looked like it in his eyes, he had sounded like it when he took over Merle with short words as if answering Daryl’s plea which was never voiced.

He looked at Merle, skin now purple after the swelling had gone down over night. He looked more refreshed than Daryl, no surprise really by the sound of his snoring. They both wore bruises, the cuts had clogged together since long and most of the dried blood had been scraped off by a touch of a hand during the sleep or a scratch the scabs. But they were alright, this was a minor beating anyway and so they went back to their daily regular life. First Daryl had to go to work, Dale, his boss when the younger Dixon arrived, once again sighing and just waving him along to the changing area at the sight of the bruises because the old man was used to this. He did toss a question over his shoulders if Merle was also was coming in. Daryl had shrugged a _maybe_ back before closing door to get changed.

Dale was a good man, speaking of good men that is, brown curls bringing themselves forth. He was one of the few people Daryl felt comfortable around even if he was a bit too sing song about feelings and acting all family like with the brothers. He meant well, but it could be unnerving and make his skin crawl. He still liked Dale enough that his loyalty toward him couldn’t be questioned. The old man would make Daryl feel bad about being in fights, the way he dejectedly sighed and saying shit about Daryl needing to take care of himself, he was wasn’t he? Not to mention Dale seemed to want the good things in the world for Daryl and Merle, but they just couldn’t trust it fully and it was unreasonable.

But they did get along, even Merle and Dale and he was never one to just fire them because they had some troubles, other bosses would, before Dale they were barely able to hold onto a job, Daryl had lost one too many because of his brother and Merle had mostly been dealing to earn money to make up for the loss. So he was grateful and he was sure Merle was too, even if he was the more loose cannon among the two of them. It all made Daryl a hard worker, he often worked the overtime hours without pay to make sure they were on schedule or he’d cover for the others when they were sick, knowing even if Dale could get changed and work with the best of them he was old and if Daryl could spare him the trouble he would. Sometimes he just pure out enjoyed tinkering about for a while longer.

Merle on the other hand, well he had his own definition on working hours and it all depended if he slipped back on drugs or not. For the last two years he had been better at staying clean, sticking to moonshine and whiskey mainly but it happened that he slipped and missed out on work. Daryl had from an early stage of the employment told Dale he was grateful he took Merle too but that he shouldn’t feel bad about firing him because of the slips were bound to happen. He had expected Merle to be gone long ago, once only one month into at Dale's he had gone missing for three days and Daryl had decided to tell Dale that he was probably on a bender, high out of his ass. But Dale had just smiled and held back clapping his hand on Daryl’s shoulder. Damn Dale picked up on their discomfort with that kind of thing and never tried to cross it. Then he had told Daryl with that same smile that it was okay and that he shouldn’t have to worry about it. It had shattered an eely feeling in Daryl’s chest which had him sucking in a breath, maybe his heart had squeezed a little. His teeth had worried on his lips when he finally exhaled and he sunk his head down in a nod, happy mixed with shamefulness. When Merle later on had come back expressing his apologies to Daryl in a first dismissing and almighty power then caving after a while when the two of them were alone, Merle had pulled Daryl in, Merle's hand clasped onto Daryl’s arm and Daryl instinctively mirrored Merle’s and a deep and honest to god voice of _“I’m sorry brother.”_ left his lips. They just clutched onto each other, letting the seconds tick before they felt they were done and they let go. Pulling a breath or two before distancing themselves and went back to work as if nothing happened. Daryl always wound up forgiving Merle.

Being able to mess around in engines, replacing spark plugs or break lines, even making a damn oil change was therapeutic enough. Though what he really wanted most of all was just go back out and track some game, but this would have to do, he owed it to Dale being late because of unfortunate bars so the hunt would have to wait. He spent the day in two Mazda’s, the two cars being non-ending troublemakers which was not even funny if you thought about it, him and Merle,  two cars, only bringing trouble and these two cars just made something else a problem when the first one was fixed. At the end of the day he had to step away from the cars before they had him explode, there was just no way and he swore the car was cursed to be wrong in one way or another. A metal wrench did not go unharmed, smashing into the wall and Daryl, regretting the attention he was getting pulled out his pack of smokes and took a quick break. After washing his chest clean with smoke he put his focus back on an old Chevvy Cheyenne, he’d been longing to get a crack at that which lay under its hood during the time the car hadn't been a priority, with all the other cars needing more immediate focus. But now with the Mazda's out of the option list, he could finally get his hands on the long awaited chevvy.

Why he longed for this one and almost could say he loved this kind of customer well, first off it was an older car and they had more personal feel to them, second off it smelled of farm, wilderness, woods and cultivation maybe not much and definitely most people wouldn’t be able to smell it but Daryl could. It all depended on the seasons too, what cars were in the shop, this was the only older model they had in the garage for tuning and replacement of parts at the moment, but sometimes they had a couple more. It was less and less nowadays though, people upgrading their choice of vehicles, just time moving on from them and you would just have to accept it. The bikes would still keep to it though, even if there were less old models to tinker with, they were a lot more than the cars. The motorcycles would get to satisfy his need for it in the absence of the more classic engines and he had even gotten some space and permission in the garage to stay during evenings and put his own bike together, hell he had parts and if he could scavenge spares from trashed rides both for his own bike and the shop then all the better. So they took on trashed cars and motorcycles, scrapped what couldn’t be used anymore and if they found anything they could use for later they would keep it around in a storage room on the outside.

The chevvy managed to boost his mood some and also provided the time to pass without fast enough he forgot about keeping track on it. Time had a way of slipping away from him when he was under a car or ducked into a hood, except the fucking Mazda's. They were a smoothing balm most of the time, even when some cars obviously could drive him mad. But it was a love hate relationship most of the time, shitty owners had shitty cars they didn't take care of and good owners had good cars, most of the time. Not to say it all came down to the family trait of volatile tempers, even Daryl with a much better self control than his brother knew he could bristle and burst with the right buttons pushed, but it could take a lot of work. Cars though, cars like the Mazda's were one going big fat red button pushed and taped down, no shit it would piss him off. Soon enough though, happy to have gotten some therapeutic work into the chevvy, he was headed home with the wind in his face and the roaring engine underneath him. There was nothing quite like a ride, it was his second safe place to hunting and of course it would be his choice of ride.

Merle had popped in later and without a fuss offered to work the evening too, no shit he had missed out on the first hours so it was the least he could do. Daryl only hoped he would follow through, all things considered it was maybe a 50/50 chance but it would be unfair of Daryl to not give his brother the benefit of the doubt with his improved percentage. He was clean most of the time now, had been for a long time and more times than not he did stay and worked when he said he would. Safe to say this time he did believe his brother would hold true to his word.

 

* * *

 

Something was wrong the second he pulled up to the cabin, first off there was a car there that he didn’t recognize, second there was a petite woman with short grey hair sitting on the porch, straightening up at the sight of the bike which she must have heard from a mile away already. He didn’t know her, but he remembered her from the station and clearing the time before, cursing under his breath he parked the bike, got off and started walking to pass her by so he could grab his crossbow and start his hunt, hoping she would be gone by the time he was back. But he didn’t make it to the door, as he stepped up the porch to pass her by she spoke.

“I know what you did for my daughter, she told me after we came home yesterday.” She started to make him stop and for some reason he didn’t understand himself, he did. He almost thought she sounded desperate to say it, that she demanded him to listen to her. Yet she kept her eyes toward the road, never turned to look at him.

“Figured you wouldn’t like me to do this at the station all things considered.” She continued, hinting at the fact that she was aware of his dislike for cops and then after the drunk tank, well, she wasn’t wrong.

“Did'ye figure y' should'n hav' com'at all?” He spit back quietly but precise and expected the woman to be offended but she was nothing, nothing at all, just sat there and then returned to talking as if he hadn’t chewed on her just now.

“You saved my girl, I had to ask around some and now my neighbors probably think I am crazy for asking for Dixons.” She paused with a tight and tiny laugh, as if she admitted to having ruined her life slightly and amusement for what came next.

“If only I’d know Sophia asked her classmates I wouldn’t have had to, kids are smart you know and insistent. I think she may have tried to come up here if I hadn’t stopped her.” First now she looked at him, maybe he was made of glass from the look in her eyes. She saw exactly how and why he’d helped the girl despite the gruff appearance, knew any kid who went out of her way like that must have done it for a reason. He felt like running away.

“Wait.” She said as he reached for the door and fuck this woman, he did. As she got up her cardigan slipped slightly and she saw the prominent bruising on her collarbone. Staring at it she adjusted it back and both understood but neither said anything but he didn’t reach for the door again.

“No one else, you did, if I could have, I would have looked for her, I tried but the cops kept me at the camp.” She pursed her lips. The lady basically saying Ed, the girls’ father hadn’t helped her either. Daryl reached into his pocket for a smoke, abandoning his hunt for a little while longer and then joined her on the porch, stretching his legs out while he lit the cigarette.

“Yer a good mom.” He said and she seemed to accept. He was tempted to tell her that it was good she didn't go out to look, that she would have gotten lost too. He didn't need two females messing up the game. He didn’t ask about the bruise, knew it wasn’t his place and not what she wanted to hear. So he kept to the truth he knew he could talk about.

“You are too, not a mom but good.” She said quietly, maybe not sure if she should have said it but, if she could accept it maybe he could too, just this once. Didn’t mean he commented on it, instead he just took a drag from the smoke while leaning his upper body forward and they sat in silence for a while, accepting the presence for what it was. At some point he offered her a drag but she politely declined. He thought the two of them must have been an absurd view. Luckily the secluded cabin had no prying eyes to tease them. Finally he cleared his throat and she seemed to connect back to reality too.

“y’should get back.” He suggested and she nodded shortly while getting up, didn’t feel he had the right to accept her kindness. His limbs locked a bit while getting up but quickly popped into place and he took a step toward her and then hesitated. Carol let him stew until he finally spoke.

“Daryl.” He said.

“Carol.” It was a bit awkward with no hand shake, a bit too cute for two adults but it was alright, it was okay for the two of them. None teased about it, none laughed at the other. He held up a finger to ask for a moment before disappearing into the cabin before coming back out with an object in his hand which he held out for her to take.

“If she don’ believe ye came, she saw it when she was here.” Now Carol allowed a tiny smile, she took the carved figurine, it looked like an otter, carved by knife so a hobby maybe? But it would work, the fact that she knew for sure that Sophia would want proof was written in stone. Daryl could just about imagine the stubborn girl refusing to believe her mother no matter how many times Carol explained it to her down to the last detail.

“She sends her thanks, didn’t want to bring her with me before I knew.” She explained, pulling her cardigan tight around her body.

“Yea, Merle’s an ass, ain’t no place good fer a kid.” He hinted that Carol shouldn’t bring Sophia later either, dipped his voice to say this wasn’t their place to be but under it all, it was like an excuse covering up a suggestion that his door wouldn’t be entirely locked if they needed it. But the grave circumstances it would require was clear to both of them, which was why he offered it to her in the same sentence he told her not to come around here again. It was an all or nothing type and she looked to understand, nodding and making her way to the car. He knew she may need his place one day, maybe not, knew though that getting to know her could trigger his own aggression and he would become capable to stupid shit so he couldn’t allow that. But he didn’t have the heart to shut her out completely, she wasn’t like the majority of females and he found himself strangely okay with this one, she was alright. They didn’t say goodbye, she left and he went and finally packed up his gear before leaving for the woods.


	3. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick gets an unexpected call, giving him a chance he cannot pass on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am apparently I am not only anti-bashing the characters, I'm buttering them up too. I would have loved to bash on Lori, seem like my kind of thing but in the end I decided to go in another direction.

A month of boring cases flew by in an instant. It was amazing how even if they were boring they made the time able to fly without him really keeping up with it but at least he had managed to form a better schedule for the laundry, cleaning and cooking and even Carl had initiated his own involvement and started helping out around the house. Mainly it was just taking care of Judith whenever Beth Greene couldn’t come over to watch them. Rick found it getting scary how his young precious son was becoming self sufficient and responsible outside of comics and video games. His school start had been rough, transferring in the middle of the term, but his grades were getting better, the adjustment was taking time for not only Rick and he felt a bit bad at how he had missed on these precious details his son had been struggling with. At dinner one evening he had even apologized for the neglect but his son had raised his chin and proudly told his dad that it was fine and that daddy wasn’t alone in this. Rick felt as proud as Carl looked, chest warming fuzzingly and just like that he accepted that his little boy had become a young man even if he was only thirteen.

Even the weekend with Lori had worked out well, on the phone she had sounded happy, refreshed like she too had started getting her life together. They almost talked as if they were long lost friends, maybe they could even be friends in the future when they both knew their teenage love and marriage was in the past and the chance of their love rekindling was close to none, none of them were fooling themselves. She had shyly admitted that they hadn't done much during their weekend, not much other than her spoiling her son by baking cookies Rick just knew probably hadn't been to tasty based on experience. But he, nor Carl had ever told Lori she wasn't very good at baking, cooking she had a skill for but there was just something about baking that she couldn't get down.

Still she was thrilled. She and Carl had watched a movie and later Lori talked about how she was improving with Judith. The birth of their daughter had been tough on Lori and she had rejected her girl in a fit, not because she hated her child but she couldn't come to terms that the baby was really hers. Post maternal depression the doctors called it, Rick couldn't help but blame his own glorious ass with lack of other reasons, Lori getting pregnant just before he got shot. Who wouldn't freak out if your husband and soon to be father was in a coma, you had a kid on the way and at the same time you had to keep up yourself in front of the son you already had that is dealing with it all as well.

Rick knew he had been the reason for a lot of the stress she had experienced, it put their marriage in a tough spot and when Rick did come out of the coma she wasn't the woman he had married. Losing that spark between them, at least she to him because he had woken up to 3 months ago, where he and Lori were still somewhat happy with a baby on the way, had hurt. So when Lori went into labor and it happened, it was so unexpected and neither of them had been prepared. It had been a shame really and it had hurt to see Lori so distressed when it was her own child, in the end Rick had stepped in, just back on his feet. They tried to get things working for a while, not the marriage that was over, but having Judith and her mother together. Didn’t work out well and Rick knew Lori wasn’t crazy, even if she had a hard time connecting to the baby. When Rick had mentioned moving out of Atlanta to her, she had with no second to waste asked him where and said that she needed to move too so she could be close to her children. She couldn’t hold Judith at the time, but she couldn’t let her go either, it showed that in the end Lori being the mother of that baby was not a mistake.

Just before the move she held her child for the first time and Rick watched his ex-wife break, cry and snot all over her baby as if it had finally connected for her. She had questioned herself, how she could have rejected this sweet little one and she noticed that Judith had the same hazel brown as Lori. They decided to try and get some time worth their while the last two weekends in Atlanta and moving to King County, bringing them a fresh start had probably been good for Lori too. She was more devoted than ever to her children, but she wasn’t ignorant of the past, but she tried hard to make the best weekends and to be a good mother and that had them work on the trust they had built with their children.

* * *

 

A brand new week, Monday morning Rick was up early despite having a noon shift, for once he decided to make an exception and drive Carl to school. He made his horrible pancakes for breakfast, which started becoming better and better for every time he tried making them and this time Carl didn’t even complain about salty tasty or loose texture. Each time more fluffy and rich with flavor, each time Carl put less and less syrup on them to cover Ricks bad judgment of seasoning and it made him beam with a wide smile at the stove and sink when he was cleaning up and Carl was finishing up his plate.

Making sure Carl had his lunch and backpack with books and homework he loaded the car up with Judith in her car seat and Carl jumped into the back. Every now and then the kid would peak forth and play with Judith but leaning back depending on the traffic and lights so he wouldn’t disturb the drive. Damn what had Rick done without knowing to raise such a responsible child, or maybe it was all Judith’s influence? He could definitely remember Carl being more difficult before his sister had been born so maybe he would make his daughter some soft like cookies as a reward. Not that she would understand but hell she deserved it.

He dropped Carl off at his school, the boy giving his sister a kiss before darting off to the school building and next up was the daycare where he still felt reluctant to leave his baby girl at, his separation anxiety laughing him in the face. He used to have the same trust issues to Carl’s former daycare when he had been younger, deciding none but him and Lori were appropriate enough to care for the well being of their child but it was a struggle for every parent get past, didn’t mean it ever became easier.

When Rick arrived just before noon in his uniform, already dressed for work he glanced toward the holding cells without thinking about it, nor did he reflect upon it later on that day. Merle had been dragged in once more in the two weeks and it had been the same loud and hectic show as it always proved to be. At least the last this time he hadn’t had the time to break any bones on someone, something about the unlucky presence of a cop car making a quick stop for a phone call and seeing it all starting to go down through the window. They had been able to grab him before any damage was done and that was a victory for King County all in all. But like Shane had said Rick never noticed the younger Dixon around town, as if he didn’t really exist. Being a cop and all, memorizing faces and noticing people in a fraction of a second was a must, so he figured he’d see him around at least once or twice but he only ever saw the older brother if he did see any of them at all.

The desk mirroring his was unoccupied. Shane was scheduled for evening which meant Rick would be spending the day alone, they were only ever separated when they weren’t scheduled for patrol and even if Rick didn’t mind doing paperwork he would miss the occasional chats they did when they were both at their desks. Still though he would be ready to move out if any major incident happened, one requiring all hands on deck but in a small town like this such incidents rarely occurred. So he spent time typing into the computer, some time tapping a pen against the wooden surface of the desk, making sure the station had a fresh pot of coffee for everyone whenever it started to run out. He strangely felt like the stations housewife when he even started tidying up in the kitchen and picking up crumbled abandoned paper balls and tossing them.

He had roughly three bathroom breaks throughout his shift, during the last one he splashed his face with water when his body started slowing down, feeling the need to refresh his state of mind. Dripping from the tips of his curls that had gotten a tiny dose of water along with his face, he looked at himself in the mirror.

“Fuck you curly huh.” He chuckled when looking at the curls and then his phone rang. The number was unidentified, but they usually were and he had few numbers registered. It was mainly family and close friends, but he hit the receive call button and answered with a hello. Now the voice and name that responded was one he had not been expecting, based on how she had taken the card he offered her as if she had already determinedly discarded it.

“Rick Grimes?” She repeated when he noticed he hadn’t responded and he fumbled with the phone before shoving it to his ear and raising his shoulder to pin it there so he could dry his hands.

“Yea this is Rick.” He confirmed.

“It’s Carol, Peletier?” She spoke quietly, almost hushed and sounded unsure, either scared or unsure if he would remember her, maybe both. Rick quickly confirmed remembering her and with hands dry he placed his hand back on the phone and made his way out from the bathroom and back to his desk while Carol spoke again.  
“I think I need your help, no we need your help.” She whispered and he could imagine her tossing a look over her shoulder before saying the word _help_. The pulses of alert struck through his core.

“Where are you?” He quickly asked.

“At a café on Hilltop street.” She started explaining but before she could struggle with the name Rick filled her in.  
“Stookie’s?” And Carol quickly confirmed when the name fell into place. She had known it but just couldn’t get to remembering it despite being there, meaning something was very wrong. Rick picked up his keys, wallet and put the python into the holster, telling her to stay put and he would be there in a few minutes. Didn’t make the his nerves any more calm when they had ended the call, in fact not knowing because the call wasn’t active made his stomach knot even more. _“Nerves brother, you shut them down because you have to, you taught me that.”_ He could hear Shane saying it as if he was in the car, not feeling calmer about it but instantly snapping into a control. Rick and Shane would always remind each other when they saw the other losing the grip because of bad calls and having it in his brain constantly backing him up was a relief.

* * *

 

When Rick arrived at Stookie’s, a smaller but comfortable family café run by a guy named Bob, well known for his exceptional doughnuts with creative frostings he could instantly spot Carol at one of the booths with her daughter. They had drinks but none were touching them, as he approached he could hear Carol encouraging Sophia to sip on her milkshake, though her voice sounded a bit shaky and not at all like the kind of voice she had used at the station or at the lake site. When she noticed Rick approaching the table he noticed her bruising on the cheek. She wore darker colored cardigan in red, long sleeves pulled over her hands, similar to the light beige one she’d had at the station but with the bruise, request for help, the mention of the disturbance calls and her shaky fingers he knew why she wore them like that. Before Rick could slide into the seat opposite at the booth Carol stood up, stroked a hand over her daughter’s hair and told her she would be right back, just needed to talk to Rick. She then nodded her head to the side and Rick followed her long enough to be out of ears reach from any other customers in the café. From the house to the café, from the call to Rick arriving and from the booth to here, Carol had held herself together but now her shoulders slumped and she gasped, eyes threatening to water up and she put a hand over her mouth to smother a sob.

“I didn’t know what to do, I decided I wouldn’t use your number but I couldn’t, it’s not right for her.” She broke but refused to cry even though she clearly was so close, walking the tight rope and the maintaining the balance that was killing her slowly. Rick reached out without thinking, a feather light touch on the side of her arm and he cursed at himself for doing it without thinking, expecting Carol to pull away from him but she didn’t. It was the tiniest motion, but she let herself lean into the touch just a fraction, soaking up strength and support from it.

“It’s alright, hey Carol we will sort this out. But you need to tell me, you know that right?” The words stung for her, he could see it, lips pursed into a thin line and battling with her principles, partly shame if he knew this type by heart.

“I know.” She bit out, not in anger toward Rick but at herself, trying to win the battle allowing her to accept help. At least she had called, that was a start.

“If it was.. if it was just me I could live with it but this time he scared Sophia, I thought he was going to hurt her.” She finally confessed and looked up directly into Rick’s eyes, motherly protection weighing stronger than the shame and finally letting her say what she needed.

“You husband?” Rick asked, remembering the guy from the lake site which hadn’t really been much of an impression at the time. Of course Shane had already told him, but he felt he needed to put this differently for Carol’s sake. Carol nodded and seemed to be collecting herself quite well, one deep breath, strengthening her willpower to steel.

“Alright.” He simply voiced and Carol nodded again, appreciating the simple reassurance between them.

“We’re going to have to go the station, file a report and statements. I will talk to your neighbors for additional confirmation okay? We need to be thorough for you to win. You may need to testify in court can you do that?” He asked clearly needing everything that could fuel their case. Half the officers on the force would be thrilled to know Carol had decided to step forth, being the ones going to the disturbance calls but not being able to help more than break the tension for a second and letting Ed know the law presence was nearby.

They didn't leave the café immediately, taking their time with their drinks and so that Sophia could finish her chocolate banana milkshake. Rick had sat down and lightened the mood. Finally the girl had opened up a bit more. He told stories about stupid adventures of Shane and him from his youth, asked if she had ever tried the doughnuts here and what flavor she had on her milkshake, that’s how he knew it had been a chocolate banana one and Sophia had smiled and finally started devouring the cold drink. It was like they finally started disconnecting from their home reality allowing a moment to themselves where they could get a feel of happiness. Rick did most of the talking, pushing himself for the sake of distracting the Peletier’s from their home problems, giving them a moment of peace and he talked himself to exhaustion. Sophia responded well, lucky Rick was a dad and had learned how to indulge in questions suited to perk up kids.

Carol was in charge of scolding, some sarcasm and correction. But she did pull out a few jokes. He knew he respected her, the way she was parenting, loving her child, enduring for her and now trying to pull them out of a life making them miserable, he respected her to a point he didn’t think he could respect anyone else, maybe Hershel Greene. But she was remarkable and when she finally smiled a tiny honest smile, she was beautiful.

Having allowed themselves a moment of a different world, Rick drove them to the station and they started going through everything. It was as if the crack from before had finally busted completely, Carol stated her case and now she was fierce, determined to get away from her husband. They spent a good amount of time at the station, sorted out the legal paperwork and when Shane got to the station he waited with his eyes on Rick for a beat so his partner could confirm what was happening. Rick smiled slightly and nodded, they shared a smile of victory and Shane sat down to join in on the case, helping out as much as he could. They may or may not have neglected some of the regular duties but they could wait.

The following weeks of the prosecution, court dates and testimonies boded well for Carol. The trial was a difficult process, as it would for anyone when a life was laid bare to be judged, but she held on. They spoke more about the case, how they would proceed and talking with each other became a bit easier throughout the trial. Trust that had began to build since the Café helped to make the process proceed smoothly and he also started getting to know her outside from her husband's shadow. Carol had a sense of humor he wouldn’t have guessed, being as reserved as she had been she had decided to climb out of her shell and she had started teasing Rick from time to time. He enjoyed her freshly born personality or maybe she had always had it, but it had been covered under Ed and as the trial was nearing its end they set up a dinner for after it was all done, when they were no longer in a case together. Rick had talked so much about Carl and Judith that Sophia wanted to meet them. A celebration dinner at the Grime's apartment was therefore decided on. Carol would bring Sophia with her and cook for Rick, Carl and Judith as a thanks when it was all over. As it looked now the divorce would go through and Carol would win the case against her husband earning himself a restraining order. Regarding the housing matter, Carol hadn’t wanted to fight for the house, defending herself with wanting a new place for the two of them to live at and not linger in the house of abuse. _"not gonna stay in a house that will eat me alive"_  was the phrase she had used. Rick had offered to help her look for a place but she had gently declined, explaining that this one thing she did have to do on her own and she would.

* * *

 

The trial ended in victory as they had expected and finally they could let themselves breathe out and regain a touch of themselves. Carol was currently stirring a thick stew which smelled absolutely wonderful, spreading around in the apartment making it seem really home-y, like for real. Rick realized he still lacked severe skills in the kitchen. Sophia and Carl had instantly taken to each other and you could hear the constant chatter from the living room, comics, school and animals. Carl told Sophia everything about his comics and she would probably get to take a few issues with her on a loan and Sophia talked to Carl about her teachers and various animals they liked. They played some of Carl’s games and Sophia barely having touched one before instantly got hooked. It gave them common ground of their interests. Not only that Sophia seemed keen on the idea of the comic books, even though she did make a few suggestions of good books which Carl promised he would read and Carl himself explained that he loved camping and fishing, which Sophia quickly took an interest in, so maybe they did have almost everything in common except Sophia found school fun and Carl thought it was boring.

It did however bring each of the parents a smile on their lips, enjoying the lighthearted chatter making its way into the kitchen. Rick was sitting at the dinner table, having popped a bear after asking if it was okay with Carol, minding her distaste for alcohol after her husband but she had rolled her eyes at him with an _"oh please, I am not made of glass Rick"._  No, Rick knew for a fact she wasn’t.

The plates, cutlery and glasses had already been neatly placed on the table, Rick had gotten to feel useful in thanks to the force named Carol in a kitchen, and he had even made the salad. So now with nothing left to do but be in the way, he had sat down and took the first sip of the beer. They chatted while the stew was getting ready, talking out lingering feelings about the trial, about her progress on an apartment so far and Rick even offered here the spare room in case she needed somewhere to be while she got settled. She seemed to think about it, holding onto something she seemed to think  she couldn't tell him, but clearly working on deciding if she should or not. He could tell and so he let her take her time to decide.

Dinner passed in a blast. The children involved themselves in the conversation as much as Carol and Rick did in their topics, giving the dinner a wholeheartedly secure and comforting feel where everyone was balanced together. Judith was in her high chair thrilled by the positive noise and increase in numbers. Carol called her the sweetest little thing and looked like she was ready to take her home. She probably remembered Sophia being so small. The kids even helped with the dishes, well Carl didn't at first but he quickly joined in after seeing Sophia went to start drying. Carol and Rick shared a look of pride watching their kids helping out and also giving the other a silent _“thanks”_ for everything.

After cleaning up and putting Judith to bed it was finally just the two of them and they had sat down at the kitchen table while the kids had gone back to the living room. Carol had chosen a glass of wine and Rick had grabbed another beer. She looked thoughtful, enjoying the brief moment of silence, a silence Rick also bore into, making him lost and relaxed his own head. They didn't have to think too much, didn't have to worry.

"I didn't think this would ever happen." She finally broke the silence, pulling Rick from his non-existent thoughts that still had manage to pull him underneath what felt like the surface of water. He made a humming sound and turned his head toward her. Carols fingers were lightly moving on the foot of the glass.

"Getting away from Ed." She clarified to him.

"I didn't think you would call either, not when I handed you my card." He knew they were falling back into a heavier and depressing subject, which would be taxing after the light and fluffy dinner but it was also just the two of them now, with the chance of actually being somewhat friends, he could consider Carol a friend. It was also the one time that they should talk about it, it wasn't a horrible nightmare anymore, rather a chance to see the good in the bad.

"I wasn't." She confirmed, taking a slight pause before she moved on. "I am borrowing a place and I also found an apartment but it's a week off before we can finalize the contract and move in." She turned the glass of wine in her hand, waiting for Rick’s reaction and he looked surprised. She hadn't told him, probably hadn't planned on telling him either but here she was. Probably that had been what he had discussed with herself just before, if she should tell Rick or not. She looked a bit bashful about admitting it, feeling a bit bad that she had kept it from him. He thought it may be related to  
"You had the right to know, after everything I mean. But it's why we don't need to abuse your hospitality." She frowned at her unintended choice of words, but at some point they would have to get past that too. Rick now looked curious, he didn't blame her for making her own decisions about what she could say to him or not. He was just happy they had gotten this far, that Carol had gotten this far.

"You wouldn't be in the way, just to make that sure. But I get it." He took a sip of his beer and Carol took some wine.

"I know we wouldn't. I said I wasn't going to call.." She hesitantly said, slowly testing the water on the previous topic and when Rick waited for her to continue, showing her that he was listening she did.

"My mind was changed. Before I called you one night it got real bad." She took a breath to steady her thought so she could talk without rambling, Rick patiently let her take all the time she needed.

"I had no place to go and was too stubborn still to go to the cops. The day after I was at the station Sophia told me about Daryl, I found out where he lived and went there, we barely talked before I left, even though he didn't say it he offered me a place to go you know?" She sounded unsure but Rick nodded.

"I know." He simply responded, feeling there was more for her to say and after a heartbreaking conflicted smile at the memory, Carol parted her lips again.

"So I went there, took Sophia with me and he did, give me some place to go. Didn't seem too happy about it but he did, no questions asked, no complaints. In the morning when Sophia was still sleeping, gosh we hadn't really spoken since we arrived. He was cooking up some fish, his back turned toward me and he asked me if I ever thought about going to the cops. It pissed me off at first and I told him no, he asked me why and I didn't have an answer at the time." She leant back in the chair, still fiddling her fingers around the foot of the glass.

"Couldn't much say I was too stubborn and stupid, coulddn't ask him if he would do it if he needed it either, but I really wanted to." She huffed. "He seemed to understand because he didn’t fight me on it, I pulled out your number and told him about you giving it to me, tore it in two as a protest. He said it was a shame, that if there was anyone I should have picked to call, you were it, because you wouldn’t let me down.” She lingered on the story and finally scooted the glass of wine away from her before letting go so she could fiddle with her nails instead.

“Made me feel bad, someone like him saying it when he obviously doesn’t believe in the law, gave me some courage. I still went home after that night, mistake on my end and before I finally called well.. you know that story.” Carols shoulder relaxed when she was wrapping up her story and Rick nodded, he did know the rest and had been walking through the rest with her. Though to not make any bumps and holes to be breached he had asked Shane to be the arresting officer so he could not be tried for his relationship with Carol. Not that they had one at the time more than law and victim but lawyers were cruel and would use anything they could. Still there were questions. Rick looked struck for a second as if what she had said really just sunk in.

“Daryl Dixon, really.” He stated as if calling her on bullshit but somewhere believing her too, because she was Carol and so far he only knew of one Daryl they both had in common. She made an agreeing noise and nodded, letting herself grab the glass back and indulge herself in some more delicious wine. Rick had forgotten about his beer for a while, the condensation thick on the darkened green glass of the flask. Was still struck even a while after, there was no way Daryl had said something like that to Carol, no way.

“Oh Rick please, doesn’t mean he likes you I am sure of that.” She quickly corrected him in a teasing manner.

“Of course he doesn’t.” He was fast to chide in and latch onto that exact fact.

“But he respects you, maybe not as a man of the law but for who you are. Don’t think he would have said anything if he didn’t. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me either after the way I scrubbed his kitchen clean without permission.” She smirked and Rick chuckled at that. Managed to wrap a serious comment and then defuse it with something amusing and comforting. He could see the image in his mind so clearly. Carol with rubber gloves in a worn down and barely kept kitchen working up a sweat to get the spots and leftover food off the sink. Why it had to be a messy kitchen he quickly slapped himself mentally because he made the image out of the impression of Daryl. _You’re better than that_ _Rick_ , he told himself but some things were hard not to assume.

“Pookie’s just going to have to live with it.” Carol looked absolutely proud and Rick silently repeated her nickname for the guy with utter disbelief.

“You call him that?” He tried to say without laughing and Carol’s mischievous smile started taking over.

“It earned me a glare every time the first week.” She explained but didn’t seem like she wanted to take anything back and if she said the first week then by now it meant the guy had accepted it? Rick couldn’t believe it. Sure the younger Dixon was different from the elder brother, but they both held a natural violence so close to the core of their being didn’t they? But then again the younger one had gotten Carol to trust him. There was also the worry about Merle possibly being around, then what about Sophia? He wasn’t exactly a good influence on a kid and mother who used to get beaten by her husband. Pushing those thoughts away, trusting Carol to say something when she needed to now his words left him before he could stop them.

“You know I think he calls me “Curly”?” And that had all the tiny tension of adult conversation blown out of the kitchen with Carol quickly popped laugh. She even had to bring her hand up and wave with it to try and contain herself for a little more.

“I know he does, called you Officer Curly.”  The mischievous smile was wide and strong now, taking full bloom and Rick pretended to be gravely offended. But she did offer him compensation.

“He calls me Lady Casserole.” With raised eyebrows it was Rick's turn to laugh. Why that was her nickname he figured he could guess. Carol at some point taking over the cooking and making casseroles and when he came home it was already too late to protest. Rick finally took his beer again when the laughter had calmed down and he could feel the leftover cramps because it had been a long time since he had been laughing this much.

“You look like you think I deserve it.” She playfully confronted him and Rick tried to look innocent but his eyes betrayed him, blues swaying to the stove and she leaned forth and swatted him lightly on the shoulder.

“I do not take over kitchens!” She defended herself and Rick raised his eye brows, clearly not even Carol believed that.

“Okay, maybe I do.” She admitted and Rick nodded.

“Yep, you do. See me complaining?” He then asked and her teasing smile grew fonder instead because in no fiber in all that was Rick, did he seem to want it any differently.

“You’re a damn goody two-shoes Mr. Grimes.” The air in the kitchen had turned warm and fluffy. Carol enjoyed her new friendship, though they didn’t make anything special out of it, they just worked and damn it had been so long since she had any friends. Rick looked away from her a bit shyly.

“I know.” He too, felt like being back in King County finally started to shuttle in place. He had Carl and Judith, Shane and Carol. Lori and Rick were good despite the divorce and work was going good. They spent another hour chit-chatting about their high school lives, reminiscing about the innocent times, the stupid teenage mistakes. Rick talked about Lori in that subject, how he had managed to land the most gorgeous girl at the entire school and then married her. Carol told Rick she had been too focused on art than to pay any mind to boys but had a smaller group of friends who sometimes stole liquor and did all kinds of things.

Carol knew it surprised Rick, not really looking like that type of lady but it did in a good way. Rick let some more adult stories about Shane slip when he was on his forth beer, of course he had already talked enough about Shane at the diner but these had not been for the ears of a child. But it had him laughing and Carol too. At some point the divorce had come up, Rick never could talk to Shane about the mental pressure the whole thing with Judith and Lori had been, but Carol was different. Sure maybe if he really sat down with Shane he would actually listen, but he wasn’t a mother nor a husband. She listened to him to the whole story about the fractured relationship, the excitement about the baby which patched things up again, the coma which put them in different times, putting a strain on them and then the depression, finally how they divorced. He talked about his relief, and Lori’s, when she had finally connected with her baby girl, then how Lori had decided to follow him and her kids despite the shaky grounds she were on, feeling the need to leave Atlanta behind them as a past chapter to their life. Carol turned out to be a support to him as much as he had been for her, listening and making sure he knew that what he said mattered.

Carol had already stopped at two glasses of wine she had sipped on slowly by the time the kids started yawning. Rick offered to use the guest room for just the night, even if she didn’t want to take him up on the first offer, this was the least he could do. But she declined that too, but said they would love to visit again especially after they had moved into their apartment which by the way Rick in his beer influenced mind, promised to help her with. He noticed a glimpse in her eyes about something but she hid it away so fast he didn’t have time to decipher it, but it twisted his gut in an amused way. Carol agreed to his help with the apartment, but he knew she was up to something. Maybe the place was worse for wear than she let on and would make him do renovations, which he couldn’t because he sucked at those kinds of things. Sure he could do basic stuff but aside from that he always just called someone.

The kids said good bye to each other and raised their phones and Rick knew that meant they promised to keep in touch. Carol wished Rick and Carl and little sleeping Judith a good night before tucking Sophia into the car and jumped in on the driver side. They did linger on a finishing wave before she started the engine and reversed the car from the parking spot she had chosen. Rick exhaled a deep breath, feeling content and tired because this had been more than his usual cup of tea but well worth it. He even figured sleep would consume him the second he planted his face on the pillow.

Ruffling Carl’s head and messing up his hair earned him an innocent threat which he could completely ignore, after laughing some they went back inside. He took the time to talk to Carl despite being ready to go into a coma again, 20 minutes about the evening. Carl had said he was happy they had come over and that he and Sophia could be friends, he seemed excited and Rick worried if he hadn’t made any at school yet. Work and Judith and sitters, he had been busy but he had tried to keep up with Carl and his school too, he felt like he had failed a little in his duties when there was a risk that he had missed such an important detail. But Carl kept on talking and didn’t complain when Rick tucked him in, which he did absorb every moment of it because when was the last time he got to tuck his boy in? Ages.

When Rick did go to bed he did flat out instantly, thoughts running back to Carol, apartment, renovations? Dixons, Carl, Judith and then it was black and sleep consumed him.


	4. Fractures and fences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol is moving out, not that she ever really moved in but safe to say she has a plan because she has a thing for scheming, it goes somewhat well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm slow burning myself so hard I am close to writing up a one-shot fic just to ease some pain, but I will control my focus.
> 
> Also the this and the next chapter kind of belonged together but I ended up keeping them split anyway, so instead I'm posting them both now. I've read through them to edit mistakes enough to make me blind to them by now, ehehe, just gonna and hope for the best.

He was exhausted, really ready to just stay in bed and not go to work at all and that was a rare thing for him to do. Who knew living with a chick and a kid could be more draining than a drunken parent who kicked you around for nothing and a druggie brother who never let you have a moment to recollect. Merle had meant well though, but the drugs made him lose track of his ways more times than not and ended up blurring some lines. Well fuck. Daryl released the tight grip his fist had curled into to the point where his knuckles had paled white and silvery, took a deep breath and moved the arm shielding his eyes. He definitely didn’t need to start his morning reminiscing about his growing up and he definitely wouldn’t let this make him skip work when he’d been able to perform under much worse circumstances.

Still though he could feel the dark circles under his eyes, they gauged at him and the skin felt sore. He had to sit still for a moment before he could get out of bed. His head was still a bit whoozy from the bad sleep he’d gotten. This was wrong. He never strayed far from the constant alerted instinct, always ready and aware, never got sick either, so he couldn’t explain it other than juggling multiple things at once, such as keeping Merle in check at work, hunting and then Carol and Sophia at home. Even half sleeping was better than bad sleep. So he groaned, knowing he would be back and forth between the coffee pot and the toilet the entire day and Dale would nag at all the breaks but he wouldn’t really be upset about it. Same circle throughout 8 hours plus a 30 minute lunch break.

Thankfully Merle had spent the last two weeks at a chick’s place, which also meant being at work with him equaled his brother’s mouth going on and on about her sweet ass, full rounded tits and the things she could do with her tongue. He didn’t need to learn about the amount of positions a woman of her flexibility could pull off, considering surely Merle’s flexibility limited him and that left this lady gymnast to do the work for him, but for the love of god if his brother would only shut the fuck up.

Two times had Merle been up to the cabin during those two weeks and he would never hear the end of that. Merle would most definitely keep reminding him for the rest of his life. One time was just verbal abuse and accusations, Merle not to keen on the idea of the two crashing there, as if he owned the cabin which he didn’t. He only lived there when it was convenient to him. And the second time it had ended in a fist fight between them which settled soon enough. But not without some nasty bruises and cuts fresh upon the old ones healing together, thankfully neither went for bone breaks because they needed to be able to work and had a brotherly hidden agreement about it. Well, maybe back in the cell they had been ready to make an exception.

Merle stayed away after that, even though he had won the fight he hadn’t taken well to having his baby brother dragging him out of the cabin to avoid putting on show in front of the guests after he had slammed the door open and kicked up a storm. Daryl had made a point enough out of it, telling Merle exactly how he was fucking up at that moment. It didn’t make Carol and Sophia feel any better despite the progress they had done during their time there. The force of Merle was enough to scare their socks off and it always came knocking at your doorstep when you least wanted it, he couldn’t blame them for reverting at the speed of light. Daryl made sure to take an extra five minutes outside with his brother, knowing it was a low blow but it had to be done so, because neither of them usually mentioned dear ole dad unless it was to really hit below the belt, it didn’t stop Daryl this time. Tooth and nail. Merle had stopped for a second right in his tracks to just stare at his brother, where as Daryl had continued to explain that what the two of them inside the cabin was experiencing, was not much different when their pa used to come barking in and creating a shit storm, like Merle had just done. Knowing the fear it could bring and using it to his advantage. He questioned if Merle even realized he was using the fear just like their old man. That’s when the fight broke out, which ended with Daryl on his ass, Merle on his feet but both with their fair share of licks, Merle always had a meaner hook, always would, never made Daryl back down when they reached that point though.

Daryl had grabbed for his pack of smokes and not without feeling the soreness, gotten up, brushed his pants off and took one out for him before offering his brother one. Merle took the offering of peace and they lit them up. Daryl quietly reconnected the conversation, after the trigger, after the physical communication they were so good at and finally getting to the point. _That for fuck’s sake Merle, open yer eyes, I kno' ye kno' better. We ain’t him.”_ Merle had kicked at the ground.

 _“’n we don’t talk 'bout ‘m either baby brother.”_ Merle had said, taken a few quiet drags from the smoke before tossing it on the ground and killing it with his boot. He had left after that, attempting a wave toward the cabin where curious eyes of the young one tried to sneak a peek despite her fear before her mother pulled her away. It was awkward the way he'd done it, but it was something.

 

Most days were spent with the three of them doing their own thing and Daryl had made sure they understood that the last thing he needed was any real relationship with them. Which was bullshit because they already did have one. They did have dinner together though, sparing the inconvenience at making double sets of meals or using the electricity more times than needed. Carol and Sophia would talk and Daryl would devour his food then leave the table, usually that was how dinner at the Dixon’s played out. But the Merle incident, which had left its dents in their progress and forced them to retreat, made dinner awkward and a bit difficult at first but after they had gotten to take some time to re-adjust they slowly moved back to the progress state they’d left behind. He knew he needed to sort it out so he attempted to apologize for Merle from a safe distance, safe distance meant getting up after eating his food, then after walking off only to turn around as if he had forgotten to say something. He told them they didn’t have to worry about Merle anymore, his brother would understand, but that if they did he wouldn’t blame them. He finished his apology which wasn’t much of an actually apology, considering it was missing the key word _“sorry”_ in it. He shrugged awkwardly and made his escape by picking up his crossbow, fleeing the scene because he didn’t want to hear their response to his attempt.

When he had come back Carol had stubbornly pointed to the kitchen chair while Sophia was already sleeping and when he just passed his weight from one foot to the other trying to decipher Carol for what kind of human being she was, she told him to not be a baby and sit the fuck down. Now Carol swearing was something that sent a shrill down his spine and he dropped any stubbornness he had left, sitting down at the kitchen table as she had demanded.

She had picked out a first aid kit which he knew wasn’t something from his cabin, maybe it was from her car. He felt like he was back at school and had broken a kid’s nose when they just couldn’t understand that there was a reason Daryl ignored him and everyone else, resulting in a lecture from the teachers and the principle. Well, one nose, three, five, after the fifth the kids seemed to get his point across their thick foreheads, took them long enough. But the feeling of being put in place and getting scolded was the similarity here, though Carol wasn’t scolding him she did have an air of authority and disappointment, kind of like the one the teachers had back then. Okay maybe she did scold him by making him feel guilty. But she didn’t push any topics.

 _"He's a part of your life, we understand that."_ Was the only thing she had said, nothing else was needed.

Carol had started to slowly treat his wounds, knowing the first contact would be the worst one and as she expected he did pull away and raised his hand to stop hers, attempting to take over so she wouldn’t have to. But she swatted his hand away, making him flinch slightly at the move and he swore at her in a growly and warning manner. But she wouldn’t have any of it and carefully placed the piece of cotton, soaked in disinfectant liquid, to his cheek and just held still to let him adjust. At first his skin crawled, the cotton was shielding him from direct contact but it was still making his gut twist in discomfort, she was gentle, he didn’t know gentle. Only a few times with Merle, but he was different, she wasn’t family and in the end family meant shit, except his brother. Merle was the only person he could trust and hell, he barely trusted Merle, would always forgive him though because when his brother did come through, he did it when Daryl needed it the most, well usually.

He remained on edge despite it all, feeling annoyed at her mothering but accepted it, figured she could use the distraction if she felt the need to give something back. He knew he would had he been in her spot. She didn’t get tired of waiting for him either, stuck through the minutes needed before he relaxed ever so slightly and it did not pass on blind eyes. So she started moving the pad carefully when she deceided he seemed at least a little more comfortable, giving him time to see and feel what she was doing. He avoided eye contact with her like the plague after she was done, didn’t need that shit. He’d grunted, his intention to say a short thanks but he didn’t think it formed out so well, but he heard a _“you’re welcome”_ as he retreated to his bedroom. He had almost slammed the door shut in annoyance but in the last second he shoved his hand in between to stop it, remembering that Sophia was sleeping.

Then came the day that he’d get her out of the his home and he’d be driving some of the things she had from the old house, which was still on his truck with a sheet of tarpaulin stretched over it and strapped down, to her new place. After that his life would be back to normal. He knew, had decided he wouldn’t miss living with them. That kind of life got under his skin and not in the good way, he was out hunting more than he usually did just to get away. Felt trapped and just like how his skin had crawled down to the marrow in his bones when she’d patted the cotton on his face, so it did after the long amount of time of someone living there with him. Except Merle then but then again Merle was Merle, he was natural like the hunting was, natural like engines and parts made sense to him and in the end he wasn’t always around. Daryl's long being two weeks.  So no, he wouldn’t miss living with them, but he knew he would maybe miss them as people and Carol’s casseroles because damn if they weren’t delicious.

He had been up before the two of them. Always going out in the morning before work and when he had brought in two rabbits that the snares had caught, skinned them and taken them inside. He’d gone to the kitchen sink to wash off and prepare the meat, heating up a pan so he could start frying up his breakfast. The cabin was slowly coming to life and his plan to sneak out before they were awake was ruined when the door to the spare room opened and Carol peaked out. More often than not the ladies would sleep a good two more hours or something, or so Carol had mentioned one time at dinner when talking to Sophia about their morning. So he was usually already gone by the time they were up, few times like this though Carol would wake up earlier than usual and quietly sneak out of the room, making Daryl feel bad about not minding the noise he was making when cooking, pots, pans and knives in the sink which they mainly slept through.

“Leaving soon?” She spoke quietly and he shoved the last piece of rabbit into his mouth, just about to dump the knives in the sink but instead carefully placed them in the bottom so the metal wouldn’t clink loudly. He nodded to her, washed the knives off and then started collecting his things, cigarettes, keys, leather jacket and wallet.

“Meet you at the new place around 5?” She asked and he turned and looked at her while pulling his boots on.

“Yea.” He responded, putting his heel down to the sole and straightening back up. She nodded and he nodded back, a quick confirmation before he opened the door and stepped out, closing it quietly behind himself. He could try, but the motorcycle still roared to life and he let a curse slip under his breath, so much for being considerate. So much for always forgetting this happened every morning on weekdays.

 

* * *

 

The Georgia summer was coming into full bloom early into the day and by the time he was done with work if was a god damn furnace outside. Leaving the mildly air conditioned garage at Dale’s Auto was both a blessing and a curse, Merle had been in and spent the day complaining and offering sweet or not so sweet details about his new fling, Daryl couldn’t be happier about leaving his pain in the ass brother back at the shop even if it was only for a short amount of time. So the blessing was letting his ears rest while the curse was the heat he was met with outside.

Having spent his life in Georgia he knew these summers could be deadly but you got used to them, or about as used to them as you could get. The sun was shining and forcing its humid heat onto every living creature outside, probably leaving everyone in King County wishing for rain soon. He quickly swore at his decision to take the leather jacket but would have to manage the drive back to the cabin at least. He forced it on, giving a second to consider just leaving it at the garage but deciding not to, knowing at least the wind when he sped up during the ride could ease some of the heat. The bike rumbled when he started it and when he got home after the twenty minute ride he quickly discarded it on the sofa and changed into a shirt with ripped sleeves, only grabbed the leather west from the jacket and west combo. Carol and Sophia was gone already and he made a quick sweep throughout the cabin to see if they left anything by mistake and when he didn’t find anything he swapped the bike keys for the keys to the truck which, unlike the bike keys, he didn’t always have on him.

The apartment building looked decent when he arrived. Carol was out on the curb chatting with the most likely owner to the pickup truck parked close to the building. She peaked up at the presence of the second truck to arrive and raised her hand toward Daryl, recognizing his car instantly. Now Daryl noticed two things, first off the truck parked next to her new building was the chevvy he had finished up the work on at Dale’s, the one smelling of dirt and cultivation and had a brunette owner, friendly one. Second, there was fucking Curly talking to Carol. The brown of the twists of hair couldn’t be mistaken, same build and posture that just screamed law enforcement. At Carol’s wave Curly turned and those blue eyes looked surprised to see Daryl as much as Daryl was to see Curly. Though the cop lacked the hostility Daryl felt brewing beneath his skin, usually the feeling was mutual between the Dixon’s and the cops. Curly turned to look at Carol with a questioning look but she just smirked teasingly at him and shrugging, the shrug looking like a payback remark toward Daryl for all the times he gave her that kind of response.

“T’fuck is Curly doin’here?” Was the first thing he snapped at Carol when he closed the door with a slam and he glanced a glare in Curly’s direction. The words were harshly directed at Carol, making it clear Rick was not allowed in the conversation but the cop still frowned with some confusion at the tone that was used.

“Well I have a sofa and two beds to move inside and I’m sure it takes at least two for that and I weren't sure Merle was coming.” She said not taking any offense at Daryl’s tone. Daryl felt bristling and Carol frowned a bit too.

“Fuck ‘sake lady.” She wasn’t wrong but it didn’t mean this wasn’t pissing him off enough to not follow through on the conversation. Instead he just walked around the truck and started lifting her shit down on the curb.

“Yer’all set then.” He bit out, no way was he going to stick around with Curly if he had a choice in the matter, he hadn’t in the cell when the guy had talked to him but here he did and if she wanted her shit she could get them on the curb.

“Don’t be a baby.” She said and walked up to his truck to catch his eyes. When she got close he took a step back marking the choice of distance. Daryl glared at Carol but she held her eyes firmly in his.

“Said I’get Merle.” He protested knowing how troublesome it had been to get Merle to help out but all in all he had agreed. One look at Curly told him he didn’t agree with Daryl’s choice of help.

“Fuck you Curly.” He tossed in Rick’s direction before Carol pulled his attention back.

“And where is Merle then? I was guessing he wouldn’t show.” She asked looking around, true to her point he wasn’t here. Probably bailed last second like he often did. Daryl’s fists tightened around the car keys and he worried the inside of his bottom lip with his teeth trying to find a remark to shove in her face but she was right and he had nothing. Merle had up and ditched him, Carol had called it. The two may not be on the best terms, but she didn’t use a tone of spite anymore when she used his name. Apology may have worked, who knew.

“It’s alright, I can call Shane.” Rick slid in and instantly regretted it when Daryl looked at him with absolute murder in his eyes starting to step forth only to have Carol grab at his elbow to stop him. He whirled around and pulled his elbow out from her brief touch. She got the point but tried to refuse to let him scare her.

“Don’t” She firmly said and looked him straight in the eye. He struggled with his temper, to not let it get the best of him, feeling his limbs itching at something to break and destroy and when Carol stepped back and he really looked at her, it took a while for him to see it but she had been afraid. No, she shouldn’t look like that, she shouldn’t think for even a second that he would hurt her, but he had managed to do so anyway. He took a deep breath while lowering his head, willing back composure.

“Just a sofa and the beds, Rick and I can do the rest. He won’t call Shane.” She carefully said, letting some of the fear go and sounding more normal at the end of the sentence. She understood, had picked up enough pieces to get the general idea of it, thank god for Carol and understanding, he didn’t deserve her. No that’s right this was the reason why he shouldn’t have her around. The car keys jingled a bit when he started to release his grip on them and when he finally silently said _“fine”_ it was a _fucking fine_ if you read between the lines. Daryl shoved the car keys into his pocket and bent over the railing to grab a box.

The sofa and the beds were on Rick’s truck, brand new and still wrapped in protective plastic. _Just the beds and sofa my ass Carol_ he thought to himself while he passed Rick without greeting him, getting the box inside and then making his way back outside, removing all the ones that was in the way of the three items he needed done as soon as possible. Most ended up on the curb, efficiently because the sooner he could get these out of the way the less time he’d need to spend stuck enjoying himself with a cop, Curly could waste his ass on the rest of the boxes if he so badly wanted it. Wait so Curly and Brunette, related maybe, friends maybe, why was he even attempting to speculate, shut that shit down right now.

 

“So this was what it was after dinner.” He heard Curly say to Carol.

“Come on it’s not so bad.” She teased him and Daryl wondered when the fuck the two of them had gotten so close. He got that Curly had been a huge help for her during the trial but she hadn’t mentioned any deeper friendship with the guy. Sure Daryl admitted that he thought Curly was a good man, he had felt right, was reason he had asked Carol to go to him of all people if she decided she needed out, but he didn’t like him with his nose sticking into every concern like it was his right. Then again even though he disliked the guy, between her associating with Curly compared to if Merle had shown, this was undoubtedly the better of the two even with his experience he could only excuse his brother so much.

“He hates me.” Rick chuckled, not aware that Daryl was back outside because walking soundlessly was second nature to him. But even though he hadn’t heard Daryl he still turned after a bit, as if sensing his presence and he looked a bit bashful knowing he had been heard.

“Ain’t wrong.” Daryl spat at him and started loosening the straps holding the heavier furniture, getting them ready to be carried inside. With the result in hand he shouldn’t have agreed to this, should have just convinced her to get a moving company to do all the work. The heat pushing down on them, even if it was around now that it should be calming it was still going strong and apart from heat exhaustion being a thing it was also another fact that it would push you to the brink, leaving you pissed off.  And then there was the horrible company (Curly Curly Curly) and forced situation of cooperation.

He watched Curly snap into action when the straps were lose, quick on the take to assist with the sofa which was first to go and with Curly doing a countdown they lifted and started heaving the shit inside. One sofa, two beds later without Daryl responding to Curly when he said something left Curly finally shutting up and not saying anything at all. Meanwhile Carol had carried a few of the lighter boxes and he could swear he saw her hide an amused face under her mask of indifference, she was so full of shit this woman, using him as a source of amusement. He would miss her? Had he really thought that? She had set him up to this knowing exactly what she was doing. He strongly considered taking any fond comments on her behalf back.

Carol offered them cold water when they were outside, knowing the heat was pushing and not calming which was just their luck, she had gone in to fetch them the drinks and settled herself between him and Curly, creating a false sense of distance. So she wasn’t pure evil, he could forgive her, maybe. Daryl gulped the sweet freshness down, knowing how valuable water was under an unforgiving sun like this one and when they were done Carol took the bottles and headed back inside to her new place still lacking most of the smaller details for a home.

“I know you didn’t want to be here because of me, but it really means a lot that you stayed, to her.” Curly said as a mere silent statement and he wasn’t expecting a response. Daryl stared straight forward, half ignoring him only making a small _mhm_ sound in return. He expected Curly to continue talking, trying to make conversation but the man didn’t say anything else and they just let the silence wash over the moment, Daryl couldn’t deny that it was a small comfort and that he didn’t exactly dislike it. The silence didn’t weigh on him, neither did it seem to weigh on Curly, felt natural and it started to make his skin crawl again but his anger had dissipated and even his annoyance had faded to a minimal breeze and that meant his skin was crawling for some other shit reason Daryl wouldn’t be able to understand. Didn’t change the fact that Curly was a cop though and he quickly closed the crack he could just feel beginning to happen. Nothing good ever came from cops. Luckily Carol came out, didn’t take too long to get the bottles inside the apartment since it was on the bottom floor after all. She seemed satisfied they hadn’t killed each other yet and with Carol back as his cue to leave he grabbed for his keys, which she seemed to notice. She approached at a reasonable distance so she could carefully raise her hand and awaited moment he agreed before she gently rubbed a thumb at the side of his cheek.

“Thanks.” She said, the moment just for them to live in and for him to know just how much it meant for her. Just as Curly had said it did, that thought pissed him off, fuck if Curly knew anything about them.

“Mmhm.” He didn’t trust himself to talk and pulled away from her touch. Carol was scary like that, getting under his skin he’d said? Shit if she wasn’t already poking away at his marrow, despite him keeping her at a distance. He avoided locking eyes with her and shied away to his truck, forgetting to leave a last and impressing _“fuck you curly by the way”_ and instead just got in and left.


	5. Missteps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick fucks up when pushing his luck with the younger Dixon and spends himself an awkward lunch outside the station with only himself to blame. But then he gets the chance to reconsider what he knows

Rick had helped Carol with the remaining boxes and while at the apartment he had made use of his meager skills with a hammer and gotten a few paintings up on the walls. He hadn’t brought up Daryl Dixon during the time they were sorting her place out and giving each and every item a new home to reside in, but he did have to admit he was a bit curious. The one time he’d touched him he been skittish as if there were needles all over his body and he had wanted out, away, get gone almost ready to clock whoever touched him, yet he had seen Carol manage to allow herself a touch on his cheek which left a puzzle of conflict to be deciphered for a split second on Daryl’s face. He had looked accepting to the touch, a bit fragile despite the stone façade he had going for him when he was indifferent, had Rick not spent years on the force learning to be observant he wouldn’t have noticed. The man was nothing but a dead canvas when he wasn’t angry but he obviously had a soft spot for Carol and he wouldn’t say the man was ashamed of it, rather he had a hard time accepting it?

They had chatted and discussed placement of the items and when Sophia got home from after school session at the library with Carl in tow they got themselves too busy with setting up Sophia’s room how she wanted it, leaving him no room to ponder more about Dixon. They celebrated the move by ordering takeout pizza and after quickly eating Rick had to excuse them and get home to send Beth home from watching Judith. Carl was telling him all about the library and how smart Sophia was on their way home, for once he sounded thrilled about school and his grades, making Rick wonder if his son had developed a crush on Carol’s daughter, he made sure to tease Carl about it later. It has almost been hard to get his son to leave with him, making them delayed just a bit longer than planned.

Judith had been a full day’s work to handle when they did get home. Beth explained she had been a bit fussy and hard to please in their absence but as it turned out, when Carl took her from the sitter she quickly settled down. Probably she had just been missing her brother because he was usually home and him being late today was messing with her big brother schedule, that was not something Judith Grimes could forgive, apparently. Rick made sure to send his regards to Hershel and thanking them for letting him borrow their truck considering his own Ford Crown (yes, he chose to drive something familiar, same model as the squad cars, always said it was easier with similar cars but really Rick just sucked at adjusting to different models but he would never admit that) couldn’t fit the needs of two beds and a sofa. As always the Greene’s were happy to help and she even left a basket of fresh vegetables from her dad, knowing Judith loved fresh and sweetened tomato purée. Rick amusedly thought that he would never stop feeling indebted to the Greene’s, thinking maybe that was their plan all along and before Beth left she had him promise that they would come around for dinner sometime and that everyone at the farm missed them around there. Even the stubborn old bull named Jackson, which Rick called as bullshit but it had Beth quirk a smile. That bull was a beast always out to get him, no way it missed him.

All in all he could start feeling his muscles tender up. Rick wasn’t one to slack with his training and liked to stay fit and healthy but not overworking himself, content with a lean and flexible shape instead of building a giant six pack and thick arms. He remembered Daryl had a strong build from the brief time at Carol’s, then the cell, some more muscle than Rick but didn’t seem like he went to the gym to work out, natural use rather. He had felt the raw strength he guy could probably make use of, but there at the cell he hadn’t. He couldn’t remember ever knowing what the guy did for a living since he probably did work, most people did right. He remembered passing the scent of.. oil, gasoline? Some smudges of grayish black on the tanned and dirty skin so probably something mechanical? That line of work could explain it. Required you to have something to lift and twist with when it came to heavy parts or stubborn bolts. The Dixon's did seemed more practical than theoretical though and no way could he ever imagine Merle a theoretical kind of guy. He was even bulkier than his brother and didn’t give the impression that he thought about what he was doing, ever.

But despite keeping in shape, the type of workout moving furniture gave did not agree with the type of work he had trained his body to perform and Rick decided to spoil himself a hot bath and a thorough stretching session. He may have loss some mass from the coma but he was getting back to it. Still, working out to be able to run long chases of endurance didn’t really fit the small crimes of King County, felt more like Atlanta and Rick considered changing up his training a bit. Still he felt satisfied though he was sure to experience some pain come morning but satisfied definitely, even maybe feeling like he had gotten some progress with Daryl seeing how he didn’t punch him or flip him the bird when leaving. Reliving the moment of silence they had spent when Carol was getting rid of the bottles, remembering he’d enjoyed it because there had been no pressure there. For a brief moment there had just been nothing. Rick slid down under the water, comparing the isolated dull noise of nothing to his moment at the curb, it was close and he held his breath and just lay there until he had to get up for air. When Daryl wasn't angry, Rick thought, he may be a lot like the feeling of laying with his head floating, his ears below the surface, safely tucked into the isolation of water. _Confined, calm, cleansing_ , but so far the guy was only ever angry when Rick was around and Rick raised his ears above the surface again.

 

* * *

 

Making use of the vegetables from the Greene farm Judith spent the next couple of day’s happy. She had good food and her brother home, daddy did feel a bit neglected but seeing his daughter so happy made it fine. Sophia was over from time to time, with him and Carol in touch about the whereabouts of their kids of course, he would also make sure to check up on them during the calls and as a bonus he managed to win back some daddy love on the days where Carl went to Carol's so he could visit Sophia.

Now the next issue lay bare at his feet watching Merle Dixon get dragged into the station once again but this time it was just hitting noon and everyone complained about their interrupted lunch hour, cursing Merle for his timing to holler and shout that _he didn’t do anything_ and that _the cops set him up_. Rick could hear someone saying that if he was stupid enough to get drunk before noon and get himself reported for hunting on the Shulton’s land without permission then he’d very damn well set himself up all on his own. More than drunk he seemed to be coming down from some kind of junk trip too. Rick sighed at the hopelessness that was Merle’s unbreakable pattern, though him getting ripped for trespassing and hunting, without a permit also, so add illegal before hunting, well that was new to Rick. Shane had told him it used happened every now and then but that it had been at least two years since the last time. Where the younger one did have a permit and rarely trespassed, had happened of course. Still Rick was starting to note down a bunch of differences between the brothers, found it interesting how they could be so similar yet so different but then again if you didn't take the time to actually look you would not see all these differences would you. Merle had a beef with everyone, cops and people, Daryl seemed to have one too but instead he kept his distance, unless cornered, unless it was personal.

Rick remembered the moment he had mentioned Shane and Daryl had freaked out in full fueled anger, he could very well have sunk Rick to the ground which he luckily didn't, thank you Carol, and not only that but the time in the cell the reaction to Shane there had been similar. He had been close to asking Carol if she knew anything about it considering it screamed _personal_ but the chances of her knowing were slim. So he thought better of himself to intrude when she probably didn’t even know and he couldn’t just straight out ask Shane either, knowing there would come all possible theories where none were probably true. Most likely Shane didn’t even know, somewhere he had earned himself the wrath of the Dixon's and probably not even thought twice about it, not when his overall view on them were trailer trash hicks worth not more than the dirt under his shoes. Surely it was one flaw he could clearly see in Shane, even if most judgments about these kind of people kept close to the true facts and Rick had his own experience with his fair amount of trouble when it came down to it. But it didn’t mean all of them were the same, Daryl wasn’t, at least Rick had for a while now started believing he wasn't.

Merle was charged with a fine for the trespassing and hunting without a license and earned the right to sit and sober up, he didn’t get his rifle back no matter how much he nagged, obviously still locked up and would be for the meantime, meaning when they deemed him alright they would release him and wave him off with a _see you later._ Rick didn’t feel bad about leaving the station to grab lunch, but he did feel bad for all the officers who had their lunch with them, knowing they would have to live with Merle throughout it and that couldn’t leave anything other than a sour hour for them all. Now he was just out the door when he heard the rumble of the bike and watched the younger Dixon slide in to park. He didn’t look happy but then again he probably got a call about his brother and felt the same pain growing in his ass as all the officers who got the order of the Merle Dixon Special lunch hour. Rick stopped just below the short steps to the station doors.

“You here for your brother?” He asked. He knew the younger Dixon would greet him with a glare, having to come to the station of his own free will, well forced considering Merle was Merle, with the possibility of Shane being there and Rick knew by now how much Daryl hated Rick's partner. But Rick wanted to attempt some conversation, continue to build on whatever shaky ground they were on.

“T’fucks ‘t matter t’ye?” He spit back but he did stop instead of just pushing past Rick. Fresh black smudges on his fingers and almost soaked completely black at the tips only to have been lightly wiped with a rag. Some kind of mechanic definitely, Rick deduced and felt stupidly proud.

“It doesn’t I guess.” Rick pondered while he still had Daryl’s attention. Something had cracked a bit at their time moving Carol’s things considering the guy had actually stopped this time. Rick knew he shouldn’t push his luck but he did anyway.

“Are you going to pay his fine and bail?” Well the bail wasn’t much. The fine was a different matter but it wouldn’t hurt Daryl nor would it Merle to let the guy stew for a while.

“So?” Daryl asked back and looked at Rick like he couldn’t even believe what the fuck Rick was going on about. Maybe he always did this, checked Merle out all the times he wasn’t with him to get pulled into the shit too.

“Just..” Rick hesitated but if Daryl always did this then it wouldn’t do much good for Merle, less time reflecting and whatnot. Rick believed in the system, getting forced to sit down behind bars often had people reflecting, at least Rick hoped it could give them that chance.

“Just why don’t you let him sober up and reconsider his actions, it’ll just cost you money to pay him out he’ll be right back at again from what I am told. Besides, they want him to sober up a bit before they'll even release him, even if you pay.” Rick laid it as a mere suggestion, probably a non-appreciated one from Daryl’s side but sometimes these things sunk in later, it just seemed to piss Daryl off even more.

“’s m’ brother, aint gon’let ‘m stay.” Daryl quickly bit out as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Was it though? Rick realized that though this guy was quiet and tight lipped at most points, his mouth didn’t have a problem when he was pissed off. This should have been a warning sign already but Rick’s logic was obvious to him, making him oblivious to Daryl’s.

“You getting him out? It won’t do him any good, not to mention the fact that he’s the reason when you got locked in there with him the last time, so why would you if he’s always messing up your life?” Rick regretted the way he had said it, regretted the fact that he had said it and his belief that this somehow would matter to Daryl and make him see some of Rick’s logic. He regretted it the moment Daryl’s knuckles landed on Ricks jaw with all the strength he was worth. He hadn’t paid attention to the way the fists had curled, how the arms had tensed up bracing themselves, how the pissed off state of mind had turned into action. He had been focused on his logic, wanting Daryl to see some sense to it. Completely missing that Rick's option was not one Daryl could take.

The pain flashing across his face let him in on a tiny understanding that maybe he were a few facts short and should have kept his mouth shut. But it was hard to know when there were no more facts to know.  One fact he did add was that he had been right, that the raw power in Daryl’s muscles could really deal damage. His balance broke and he stumbled while clutching to his jaw. The rustle of boots and clothes made him quickly raise his hand to stop whoever around, fellow officers because they were the only people there.

“It’s alright, I earned it.” He painfully said. When his sight started to connect back from the white flashing light of pain he could see Baker and Chambler’s shocked faces, not completely ready to back off but he nodded and waved with the hand he held up, dispersing the cause for alarm. He didn’t have time to catch Daryl as he stomped up the stairs and pushed his way past the doors, nor did he think he wanted too after putting his foot so deep into his mouth after stepping on dog shit, at least that’s what it felt like. He found himself lacking any appetite but knew he would have to get something either way, though his original plan for a plenty packed sub was shredded due to the aching in his jaw, he would have to pick out something easier to eat.

 

* * *

 

When Rick came back to the station he had a heated box of soft lasagna leftovers and a plastic fork. It was a cosy little diner at a corner stop and he had chosen to eat his lunch there to avoid well, there could really only be one person to avoid. He hadn’t managed to eat more than half though so he had gotten it placed in a box to bring with him, figured he could heat it up sometime later. They had been kind enough to offer him some ice and he now had a wet rag with only a few lumps of ice left held against his cheek with one hand and the lasagna in the other when he sat down at his desk and put the bad on top of it.

“Well damn brother, I heard Dixon got you good. Hicks really never know how to behave.” Shane had just arrived himself. Chambler and Baker looked guilty as charged to having already spread the incident around the station from, now standing awkwardly at the coffee pot, which was the main gossip spot, quickly darting their eyes away from Rick when they noticed he saw them.

“Don’t Shane, just don’t.” The last thing Rick needed was Shane’s talk about them, in fact he was sure Shane would go looking for them later find any excuse to bring them in as payback. His partner looked confused.

“Was my fault, earned it fair and square.” He explained, not that it mattered to Shane, Rick knew that. When Shane roughly pushed up from his chair he instantly knew it wasn’t a good sign, looking over for the source, well Dixon was still at the station.

“Shane.” Rick warned quickly and his partner stopped at the voice. “Don’t, told you, I earned it.” Shane looked like he wanted to question why the fuck not but did sit down again, never being one for fighting Ricks commanding voice of authority. Rick relaxed when he got Shane to back off, winced at the pain and had Shane smile back at him in sweet revenge, both swollen with ice, both getting some sweet loving pain from one Dixon each. Which reminded him that oh yes, Daryl Dixon was still here, great. Could spend all lunch avoiding coming back to not cause any more drama but all wasted because in the end Dixon was still here when he got back. Fuck if Merle could only sober up faster. Rick darted his eyes over to Tara, catching her staring again and took the moment to wave her over, knowing now she couldn’t excuse herself. She shamefully snuck through the desks.

“What’sup Rick.” She tried for casual but was clearly nervous.

“Why are the Dixon’s still here, thought the brother paid up, Merle should be sober by now?” He asked and Tara squirmed uncomfortable, still uneasy for spreading the word around the station and still expecting some kind of bashing from Rick.

“Dude wasn’t sober enough yet, the brother paid but still has to wait before we can release Merle. They think it wasn’t just alcohol this time. But Merle didn’t have anything on him, probably something lingering in his system but we don’t know what and he has history with drugs so it’s a precaution. So they say.” Rick soaked it all in before nodding to Tara that he was satisfied and she could move along. Shane was opening his mouth but didn’t get far enough to say anything before Rick had him close it again.

“Before you say anything, shut up Shane.” Shane rolled his eyes and tossed his hands up in the air before pushing his chair back and leaving the desk, opposite direction of the holding cells knowing it wouldn’t fly well with Rick if he got close to the Dixon's, apparently Rick’s new found long lost beloved friends, if you asked Shane. He took a moment to look over, catching Daryl pacing the floor for a while, sitting down with twitchy legs later, then back up pacing like the waiting was driving him mad but at the same time it was his only way to keep some calm. He really looked like he would give an arm to be anywhere except there, yet he kept himself in a place he didn't want to be. Well he may have expected to wait an hour but more than that didn't look like something the younger one had scheduled, Rick felt  a bit bad for him.

"Boss you're frowning." Tara whispered and he jumped at her sudden presence and Tara quickly mouthed him a sorry for startling him while passing by. Great, now the rookies were worrying about him even. Rick thought of asking Tara but realized that even if he did have questions he could ask, Tara wouldn't have any answers either, she was too new here and the old ones would just spit the name Dixon with disgust so that was a dead end. Tara moved along when she felt satisfied his wrinkle of concern in the middle of his eyebrows had evened out enough, Rick tried to focus on paperwork instead, didn't make him stop the every now and then glance in Daryl's direction.

 

Rick had counted 46 sit downs and was currently on the 47th pacing, clear to say he had gotten little work done this last hour and a half and a grabbed himself a mug too many of coffee. It meant, with his bladder screaming at him, that he would risk losing track of his count when he took a quick piss, why it mattered he didn't know, still felt some lingering guilt perhaps. In the end he had to give up and quickly made his way to the bathroom, trying to do his work of nature as fast as possible and washing his hands only to sweep the paper towel once before tossing it in the trash can before his hands were even dry. He wondered if Daryl had stayed because he had nothing better to do, probably not he had a job, so then maybe no one had given him an estimated time of release and just said Merle needed to sober up some more, he found himself thinking that the latter held a higher risk to be true in case no one wanted to get close enough to tell him. It was usually just alcohol so maybe the younger brother had thought an hour tops, not expecting the drugs this time around.

At least Rick could comfort himself with the fact that Merle had been sleeping, saving everyone from that painful lunch he had dreaded they would have. Officer Jones was at Merle's cell, banging on the bars to wake him up earning himself what sounded like a real gurgling hung over moan before the large bulk of a man sat up and glared outside. Daryl looked light on his feet, never relaxing his body any and very much on edge, eager to get the fuck going. They seemed to be passing some words, Jones and Daryl, before he let Merle out of the cell. The younger brother ducked under his older brother’s arm to support his still slightly wobbly feet, the come down probably hitting him worse than the hung over, if said drugs had been true. Jones left the brothers to help themselves out, which looked very troublesome with a hung over, heavy and annoyed Merle to drag around. Merle broke himself off in the hallway, they were almost at the doors and he raised a finger at his baby brother, hissing words and gestures. Merle's face was stern through the heavy lidded eyes sharpening up as every second continued ticking and his mouth was moving, voice getting louder and louder but not enough to make out what he was saying.

Rick came out of the staff bathroom and looked to the hallway after Merle's voice carried out sharp as a whip. Daryl had sunken in a bit on himself and seemed to take whatever Merle was dishing out, he shouldn't be watching this, he knew should intervene and was just about to take a step when the younger brother snapped something back, making Merle stop and stare at his brother. Rick stopped as well when Daryl raised a hand toward Merle's face, but in no motion did it look like a strike at all, still he worried because Merle looked furious with every fiber of his body while his entire attention was on his baby brother. A light slap to the back of Merle's head had Rick's heart stop, worried about a fight breaking out before they had even managed to leave the station, but it didn't happen. Daryl's fingers, light as feather's touch, gently lay siege of the back of his brother’s neck and just held on before pulling Merle closer. They held still and Merle was quiet, quiet like he had never been before, like the slap lingered in the essence of his being, skin, sense of his mind and he looked attentive. Like he for once was actually paying attention and listening. Words were spoken, fingers desperately sinking tighter on the neck, as if Daryl refused to let go because it would have him lose this moment forever, so he held on.

Rick watched as Merle lowered his gaze and there, the mask started to fall and Merle lay bare a face of doubt and regret, guilt and fractures. The hand on his neck looked to weighing heavy on him like chains binding him down, chains of punishment and doubt. Rick felt his heart tearing apart watching the brothers, watching Merle lifting his own hand and with such gentle care place it on his brother’s neck like Daryl had done with his hand on Merle. The brotherly caress speaking of the sometimes blinded but undoubted love and loyalty the siblings shared. It was a touch of intimacy between just the two of them that Rick knew he wasn't supposed to see, that spoke of that which was hidden from the world, only for them to know yet Rick bore witness and he felt like a fool for it.

The brothers remained like that, mainly it was Daryl talking it seemed and Merle nodding or shaking his head, sometimes Rick saw his lips move but it was rare. They still held on to each other and when Rick felt like he shouldn't have seen this, like he didn't have the right to, he was willing himself to leave but never succeeded to as Daryl caved his forehead forward toward Merle, sinking in to something familiar. Merle pulled him in and lifted his own chin to steel his will back in place but making a poor attempt at it, his gaze lay glistering like a water surface toward the ceiling. Rick thought he could see the reflection of the sun as if Merle’s eyes were a crystal clear lake in the summer. When Daryl visibly inhaled a choked but deep breath his fingers slipped from the grip and his hand fell to his side, allowing Merle to hold him steady before the older brother used his free hand to place his index finger under Daryl's chin, adding a little bit of a push to the touch in search of eye contact. Merle looked vulnerable, so far from the complete ass he usually was. He actually looked at another human like the person mattered and Rick thought that probably Daryl was the only one who did. When Daryl did meet Merle's eyes Merle cracked a broken laugh, creaking wrinkles on his face but it was genuine, kind and caring. Merle then spoke clearly, slowly, eyes intent and full focus on Daryl, the intimacy between them, damaged, loving but all so natural of a bond so strong. He watched the younger brother’s shoulders drop and a nod, then Merle ducked to catch his baby brothers faltering gaze and Daryl nodded again, like Merle made sure they were on the same page, like he was making a promise. He actually looked like an older brother.

Rick was frozen, if he moved he feared for what may happen and knowing he had done more than screw up because he had for a rare moment ignored the lack of knowledge. Safe to say he liked to think he was usually more tactical than he had been, safe to say he had been wrong to assume he had known anything about the two of them.

The Dixons quietly left after Merle actually holding onto Daryl in a tight hug, like he was making the promise worth a life time and beyond, making up for shit that had been lost, like he was gifted forgiveness, all in one lovingly embrace and then they were gone. It seemed like the other officers were just confused about missing them, no loud ass Merle talking shit to let them know what was going on, screaming and swearing with the balls of royalty. From where Rick stood, at the staff toilet like a dumbass, the entrance to the station had shielded the Dixon’s from prying eyes and no one had actually noticed them leave. Rick couldn't sleep that night.


	6. What they don't expect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick learns more after talking to Shane, Carl breaks his wrist and work is just so boring when Merle Dixon is nowhere to be seen. A weekend family trip to the Greene’s is in much in grave need.
> 
> Daryl can’t face palm more when he gets called by Dale the second he got home, seems like the Greene’s with the chevvy had their tractor give out on them and are in direct need of help.

The weeks were dormant ever since the day the Dixon’s left the station. Dormant, endless, slow and draining, there were so many words for it and Rick only had some self searching to do when he was left with so much time, he felt like he was trapped in a sadistic loop where he was being punished with every cell of his brain to reflect. Funny it was him having to do the reflecting and not Merle, funny it was him having to do it because he said someone else should be doing it.

He didn’t blame Daryl for punching him. No at this point he was more than convinced he had deserved it, like how you don’t just go around spewing shit with your stupid ass sorry self because it will bite you in the ass. Sure he knew he had meant well, but he couldn’t have been that blind could he? It had felt like one of those moments where you reach a thriving peak which makes you reckless, learning how to drive a car for example, at some point when you’re comfortable enough you start slacking off on the defense, the focus, and may get into your first accident. Rick being back up on his feet, healed and ready, with some less hostile interaction with the younger brother, well it had made him lose focus on what was proper, growing confident it was his place to voice his opinion. He should have known they were close from the time before, knew for sure now, everyone one else, except for maybe Carol but he wasn’t sure, underestimated their relationship to each other. Sure they said that the Dixon’s stuck together, but they hadn’t seen that imagine which refused to leave Rick alone, the one who kept making him feel bad for his mistake, to take their loyalty lightly. What they had wasn’t just something you picked up and put on. It was something set in their bones because they had to have it.

Maybe the tension of promised violence which was engraved in the family name Dixon lingered too strongly in their veins, constantly keeping them unreliable to each other but also the only ones to be trusted. In the end even if Daryl was the calmer one, so far even if he had tried to hold a reasonable conversation with him, the responses he got were always spat right back at him well, they weren’t exactly to die for. Rick pondered the possibility of some kind of grudge for the treatment, personally to Rick himself, but not entirely, it hadn’t felt like one and the guy was deep down all true and good right? He had helped Carol and he cared about Sophia, at least he hoped he wasn’t wrong in that matter too. No, Daryl may hold a grudge against a few cops in general and definitely one against Shane that much was true but that also left Rick not knowing where he was in the mix and it was confusing him.  Unless he had been added to the grudge list now, it was possible. Well in the end it hadn’t been his place and he had earned the consequences.

So it still ate at him every passing day and he decided he would try to do better, make it right somehow. Shane told him he was silly to worry about it when Rick had decided to confide in him, that it was just some Dixon shit brought on by their tempers and taking offense for cops just looking at them. Rick could have tried to explain why he was sure that wasn't the case, but what was the point when there was almost no chance that Shane would actually listen.

Instead he tried to pry, when everyone else would just mutter about that abomination of the family or tell Rick he shouldn’t bother himself with them. So he re-accessed the idea that maybe he could get Shane to talk about it and this wasn’t a bad moment to do so. The first few attempts to re-direct Shane from his personal involvement with the Dixon’s to them in general, Shane had brushed him off, to the point where he finally got annoyed and asked about his recent fascination with those rednecks. At first he had come off as stand-offish and dismissive but one look at Rick's honest face made him realize that Rick wasn't just brushing it off this time, he actually wanted to know. Shane caved and went to fetch coffee before sitting down again.

What Shane started saying painted up the typical picture of the redneck life the police of Georgia were all so familiar with. They were uneducated, poor families living in shitholes mainly with alcohol, cigarettes and the repeated violent acts, making squad cars popping by more often than not because of disturbance. There was Merle who had been brought in on drugs, dealing, fight’s, property damage, which was the usual charges on these kinds of people and if Rick thought Merle Dixon was a pretty clear example, their father Will Dixon was even trashier than Merle. The guy had been toxic to King County by the sound of it, he used to spend all money on alcohol and hookers when he wasn’t locked up or picking fights. On the side he had been involved with drugs and gambling, always losing money he didn’t have and threatening others to give him more, he didn’t have a job either and word was that he had his kids working to pay the bills and booze. Rick had doubted there could be a lot of people much worse than Merle, at least before seeing the man was capable of caring. Now the name Will Dixon unsettled his stomach instead, much like it did to the rest of the old cops of King County because they had been there, they had to deal with him.

It didn’t surprise Rick when Shane said that they weren't from town and had moved here from Senoia a few years after their house had burned down, accordingly to a friend Shane had bumped into from the force. Senoia wasn't far and cops talked, the Dixon issue had already spread and it didn't go unnoticed the second they arrived in Kings County, but Shane also said they had lived there for at least three years before he even knew Will had two sons. Said it made sense how the old man had managed to survive and have a place to live, if said rumors were true. But in the end it explained why Rick hadn't heard of them, since he moved away with Lori to settle down in Atlanta probably around the same time they came to King County.

Daryl had apparently first popped up on Shane’s his radar when he was getting a maintenance check and oil change at Dale's Auto, the old man had a hire that hadn't seemed too friendly but got to work as soon as Dale assigned him to the car. Shane guessed maybe 20 something being close to that age himself, it was hard to tell on the dirty skin and hair falling into his face, dude wouldn't even look at a customer but he did the work without skipping out on it, Shane's car was spotless when he'd gotten it back and even smoother than before, no additional price added to it. Chances were he was still working at Dale’s, Daryl felt like he’d be loyal and the kind of guy who did everything thoroughly, one who worked hard to earn his keep.  Not that Rick could confirm, he could only speculate from what he'd seen, his gut was set on this one when Shane said Dale was probably the only one kind enough to hire someone as unfriendly as the youngest Dixon.

Up until then it had been mainly quiet, they hauled in Will Dixon from time to time and they never saw anyone else at Will's trailer,  it was only during that visit to Dale's he'd heard someone calling for Dixon. Naturally keen to what the fuck Will Dixon was doing here because that fucker didn’t work, but he had seen the scraggly scowling hire lift his head and walk over to the one who had called for him. Shane had asked Dale who the guy was and he'd told him his name was Daryl. Two Dixons in the same town couldn't be a coincidence, especially not when the third popped in not long after causing a huge storm of property damage at a bar and a few busted bones. King County learned of the son and then when the older boy pulled the younger brother with him, well then they learned of the second son.

Rick had absently scratched at his ever growing stubble figuring that the rest followed what Shane had said back when both Dixon's had been brought in, the first time Rick had met the two of them together. He had to admit he felt a bit guilty for prying in the end, but satisfied at the fact that Shane had actually told him, it wasn't like it was a secret. People just didn’t want to talk about them, knowing the basic understanding which was that the Dixon’s were toxic, better steer clear. He had just enough time to thank Shane for his honesty, finding that spark of friendship they've always had but which had been dulling recently with all the shit and lack of concern Shane had been pulling, when he snapped back to the senior Dixon.

"And Will Dixon?" Rick curiously asked, apparently not happy enough with the amount of prying he was already doing. Shane shrugged.

"Died in a ditch, heart gave out I think." Rick nodded thoughtfully, he had sounded like an ass and Shane looked like it was exactly what he was thinking, couldn't have been better for him drop off just like that. Rick didn't comment about Shane's good riddance act, saw that Shane wasn’t done so he stayed attentive.

"Had it coming from all the drinking I bet." Shane added, well, the man was dead and gone already. Rick glanced at his phone as it started ringing and frowned when he saw the registered number being the school. They never called except for the first parent teacher meeting when Carl enrolled in school. He answered with his name and then listened, quickly scrambling up making Shane tense in alert himself, confused but ready.

"I'm on my way." He said and then looked to Shane.

"Oh sorry, Carl just had an accident at school, busted his wrist I think but the school said it wasn’t a bad break from what the response medics saw at the school. Going to head over to the hospital, talk to the chief for me?" He asked and Shane instantly nodded.

"Of course brother." He said already getting up to have the chief let Rick off the hook for the rest of his shift.

“Oh and thanks Shane.” Rick said and was keyed and wallet:ed up and out the door before Shane was even close to the chief's office.

 

* * *

 

Rick had acted all cool as if there was nothing to worry about, well judging by the speed limit which he broke a few times would earn him the title of a hypocrite, he was definitely worried after having his dad instinct kicking in, off to save his boy from all the troubles of the world. Except when he got to the hospital he found his son beaming with pride over the cast, turning it carefully and valuing how cool it looked. Rick tried to force his breathing and heart rate to calm down, his son was, thank you very much, fine.

"Dad look, I got to pick the color!" He explained excitedly but the redness around his eyes did not hide the fact that he had been crying, probably from the pain when it first happened.

"Jeez son, what were you even doing?" Rick asked while feeling his body starting to tempo down, not fast enough for Rick's taste but enough and he would take what he could get.

"We were jumping beams and I slipped." He said looking at his dad, not sure why his dad didn't think it was cool that he got to choose blue.

"Aren't those for you know, hands and hanging on to?" He asked, they were clearly not for getting up on, being tall and with those thin rods designed to be grabbed by hands.

"Yea but there's this thing called parkour." He started explaining but Rick raised a hand to stop him, index finger shooting up to emphasize the _“son, don’t tell me you..”_ look he had going. Of course, his son had seen something on the internet, those guys who jumped stairs and climbed buildings, apparently it had gotten very popular from the talks around the station and he was not the only parent in this situation. Rick sighed and shut his eyes for an annoyed second, worry washing over to anger for his son being so reckless.

"They're professionals Carl and it still isn't safe for them either." He tried to explain but Carl just deadpanned him. Rick raised his second hand to match the other one, without fingers, hinting that okay fine he was backing off. With his choice of profession he wasn't much one to talk.

"Let me rephrase it, I think you should be older before you start training for that. It's a physical activity that you need muscle for and you're still developing that." Carl actually looked pleased with Rick accepting he was old enough to not just push whatever boundaries he could think of on his son. He still had rules, but Carl was at that age where Rick needed to treat him with more trust and let Carl make some decisions of his own. Didn’t mean Rick agreed with his son picking parkour of all the god damn things as one of those decisions.

"I can accept that, think Sophia will sign it?" Carl quickly said which reminded Rick that if he was trying parkour with people, it meant he should have some friends at school, well neglect on the _“Carl-and-Friends?”_ part he could scratch from his list of screw-ups and could now focus fully on the Dixon one he had in large and bold font.

"I'm sure she will, alright champ let's get going." He waved Carl over and pulled him into his side in a fatherly gesture. He could probably get back to work but there wasn't that much left on his shift and the paperwork could wait.

"Want to go get your sister and then head home?" He asked and looked down to his son.

"You mean no more school today? Hell yea!" He quickly switched from excited to bashful. "I mean yes of course." Rick laughed, not even having to correct his son on the language despite how school was rubbing off on him. He nudged Carl's shoulder and they went to the front desk and went through the insurance with the nurse before they left to pick Judith up.

Rick had longed for Friday ever since the boring Monday had started, he had in fact only longed for weekend lately because it he was in much need to just relax. The only bad thing was that Lori had the kids so he wouldn’t get to spend time with them. After the hospital visit he had spoiled his family with pizza, at least he and Carl had gotten some while Judith was trying out a new peach purée, had been a success by the way. That Thursday had been eventful enough and pizza seemed like a valid option, not to mention Carl joked about breaking something more often because Rick usually tried to at least buy some healthier versions of take out when he didn't cook.

It was probably his longing for weekend and need for something relaxing that Beth's invitation had popped into his head and after asking Carl if he wanted to come along if it was alright with their mom passing her weekend up, when he said he definitely did Rick called Lori which was surprisingly fine with it. Then again she had been to the Greene’s with them plenty of times before so she probably thought it was a good idea for the kids. With Lori’s approval he made the call to Hershel and asked if they could stay over, which hadn't been a problem and he'd sounded delighted on the phone at the suggestion. He did manage to make Rick agree to do some field work without Rick even realizing he did, the old man was a clever one but Rick didn’t mind, he knew he would enjoy it. And so they had packed for a weekend outside the apartment and as soon as Carl had gotten home from school the next day they locked up the house and got in the car. Carl had tried to weasel his way out of going to school that Friday, saying they would get more time at the farm if they left in the morning but Rick had quickly told him to count himself lucky for having that Thursday afternoon off and to have a great day at school.

 

* * *

 

The Greene farm was roughly a thirty minute drive from Rick’s house and it always came as an unexpected sight when you turned the tight twist at the end of the dirt road. Up until then the woods were thick and heavy, tucking you into nature and then after the turn, the fields expanded like a deep breath after holding your head under the water for too long. _A flash of brown bangs_ , _confined, calm, cleansing._ The feel of fresh air soaking down to the bottom of your lungs, the sight was grand and Rick always loved the expectation building up just before the turn.

Throughout the area were larger fenced in grassy plains with cattle carelessly strutting about in their own little worlds. The road continued long but straight ahead where the large farm house built up the closer you got, with one of their many paddocks close to the right of the house. From the car they could see Maggie up on a brown horse, muscles of the animal flexing with energy and if Rick trusted his eyes he would bet that it was a new saddle trainee youngster they were breaking in. Some of the trainees were owned by the Greene’s, but they also used their skills and knowledge as a side business and watching the work progress was quite the experience. Maggie was sharp and firm even with the toughest of horses and in her time working with them she had been thrown off multiple times but she always got back up again, she didn't take shit and that said pretty much about her personality.

She was getting down from the saddle by the time the car had gotten close to the house, grabbing the reins and walking the horse around to wrap up the training session . Rick parked his vehicle and they greeted each other as soon as Rick had picked Judith from her car seat with Carl walking around the car stretching his limbs. Sensing there would be more than just a wave and a wave back he let Maggie finish up with removing the saddle and then leave the smaller circled paddock for the purpose of saddle training, before she came strolling over.

"Rick! It's been too long, oh my gosh, she's so big now." Maggie instantly zeroed in on Judith, leaning forth and teasing her chubby baby cheeks with her fingers, earning herself a fit of gurgling giggles from the younger lady.

"I bet she's trying to catch up to her big brother ain't she!" Maggie reached over to ruffle Carl's hair which he took without complaint, rather seeming to enjoy a moment of nostalgia of their family extension. The Greene's were like family after all and maybe his son missed being around them now that it was just Rick and them. Before with Lori it had been a family tradition, though the drive had been longer it had been part of it, like how they would always stop at the same rest stop and refuel their energy with Lori's sandwiches at the worn white painted camping table that was there and lost more paint every year.

"I think you might be on to something." Rick said as he adjusted Judith in his arms. Maggie tossed with her head toward the house, inclining them to follow her.

"Comon, they'll all be happy to see you." She held her hand out for something to help carry and Rick thankfully grabbed a duffel bag and handed it to her while he managed one duffel and one backpack in one hand and securing Judith in the other, Carl grabbed his own pack and they headed up to the house.

 

The smell of food was all over the hallway as they got in, a warm and loving smell making their stomachs respond with soft murmurs. They were greeted with hugs and kisses, Judith got most of them and Rick and Hershel first shook hands but decided to throw an arm around for a quick hug. Judith was already being passed around, everyone greedy to get to hold her. Patricia and Annette even took turns in the cooking just so they could talk to the baby girl and Judith, well she wasn't at all displeased about this amount of attention. Rick figured she would go out like a light later on.

But first was dinner and catching up, Rick told them all about moving back to King's County, Maggie talked about her new boyfriend Glenn, and Hershel talked about how the farm was doing and how grateful he was for everyone helping out there. Beth had slipped into babysitter mode and took claim on feeding Judith their famous tomato purée that Rick could get close to, but his baby girl never looked like she did when it came straight from the Greene's cooking, it was a sight to heal his heart the way his baby girl engulfed every spoonful of the red paste.

They all got curious when Carl said he'd want Sophia to see their farm some day, all on the verge of teasing him about getting a girlfriend but holding themselves back, but not without curled corners of their mouths though. So Rick and Carl filled them in on their new friends and though he worried Carl may say something about how it all came about, his son measured his additions to follow what Rick decided to share in order to protect the privacy of the Peletier's. The women joked that one day they would have to have a cook-off with this famous Casserole Carol and that the kids would get to be the judge on who won. Maggie took a moment to remind Hershel about the tractor, apparently the back axle had given out earlier during the day and was in need of being towed for repairs. Now by general idea they wouldn't be here until Monday which had Rick question if their visit would mix badly with the additional work because of the broken vehicle but Hershel was quick to clear it all up and that it wouldn't be a problem, he had an old friend of his ran a repair shop that had promised to send someone over, if not do it himself if he had to. Rick felt relieved to hear it because the last thing he wanted to do was be in the way, which Hershel seemed to pick up and told him not to worry and that he even could help out when the tow truck got there to load the tractor, if he felt up for it. Hershel had hinted at his physical condition and Rick waved his hand dismissingly and said he was good for it. The dinner was continued with hearty chatter and everyone eating their fill and Rick yet again made the mistake of eating too much, like he always did at the Greene's

Now when Rick was following old man Hershel and Maggie out at the sound of a rumbling diesel motor he was pulling on a pair of thicker gloves which Maggie had handed to him. He couldn't say he was an expert at this sort of thing, only having attached a line to Lori's car once but attaching a towing line to a regular car was probably not even similar to case for this one. So it would be something new to experience and he felt confident he could help at least with some muscle, felt eager to be of use. He was already looking forward to the physical exhaustion he would have at the end of the day on a farm he so much remembered. It was different somehow, the body being exhausted on a day of patrol with a chase or two was similar, but it also had the mental tick down after a day on shift, where after a day on a farm left his head cleared and only the pleasant aches of labor was tingling throughout the body.

The last thing Rick had expected was the sight of cut off sleeves, strong muscled arms holding on to the metal handle next to the driver side door while climbing down from the seat. The tow truck was larger than Rick would have imagined but then again this was a tractor, a regular truck wouldn't cut it obviously. Still it only took one look to recognize the frame of Daryl Dixon, one Daryl Dixon in everyday clothing meaning his boss had called him when he was already off the clock. Coincidences like these were unreal, weren’t supposed to happen but of course it did happen because Rick had fucked up and it was just another for the universe to rub it in his face.

“Hershel Greene?” His voice was perfectly balanced of being heard and barely carrying across the distance as the old man walked up to shake his hand, which Daryl reluctantly did but obviously only because he felt to do it when he was working.

“That's me, I'll show you to the tractor.” It was a professional exchange between the two of them. Daryl was about to nod, but as if to confirm his surroundings he had swept his eyes over the rest of the people with caution and Rick had met his eyes as the coin seemed to drop in place. The bruising was almost gone on Rick’s jaw but he could swear he felt the skin tingle in the spot he had been hit. Rick quirked his lips, trying to hold back a smile when he could swear he heard Daryl's brain saying “Fucking Curly, t'fuck”, probably almost on the top of his tongue too but the words never left and he tore his blue eyes back to Hershel and completed his initiated nod. Maggie gave Daryl a quick wave which he returned with an upwards tilt of his chin and then proceeded to follow Hershel to the side of the barn.

“Comon’, don't laze around cowboy.” She teased when Rick was lagging behind as she had started following her dad. Rick figured Daryl would be as displeased about his presence as always, probably even worse all things considered, but also this was his chance to set things right wasn't it? So he quickly pulled his body to a walk and followed after them. As soon as the two in front had reached the old tractor Daryl was quick to examine the wreck and despite it only being the back axle he seemed to give the vehicle a full body check-up. Rick could pick up every mental note the guy did about the tractor, could almost tell if this note was just a swap, a grease up or if it was any specific tools he needed for that note among other fixes. Rick questioned himself, if he could see so much now, then how in hell had he been so blind the last time.

After Daryl was done with the engine and upper key points which had required him to more or less pull himself up on the vehicle to be able to see anything. He stepped down to examine the bottom part.

“Can tune 'er up if ye want, ain't much work if 'm 'ready at it.” He suggested looking back at Hershel through his bangs which were hanging over his face from his frame being tilted over one of the wheel houses.

“If you don't mind, I'm already happy enough Dale could help out on such short notice.” Hershel said while Daryl had enveloped himself in the parts again.

“Alright, don' mind.” He said and when he felt satisfied with his first hand check he turned to Hershel and pulled a red rag from his back pocket to swipe his hands through. Rick watched the red fabric rub off the worst of the grease but as expected it couldn’t do much for the black smudges.

“Dad!” Carl came running and how he could run when he had eaten at least as much as Rick was beyond him, it was almost scary. They all had their focus on Carl’s sudden appearance and his son looked curiously to the tractor and then to Rick, looking for permission.

“Can I watch?” He asked Rick then looking to Daryl, the man's reluctant concern making Carl fidget. Rick had never thought his son was interested in engines. Mainly it was comics, games and fantasy books. Rick doubted Daryl would be happy and was about to say that he could probably stay and watch as long as he kept out of Daryl’s way and kept himself to a safe distance because Rick didn’t know the extent of the damage. It was heavy machinery after all and could easily cause injuries, but at least this option would be considerate to Daryl.

“'s alright.” He heard, once again voice barely carrying but easily getting picked up, how he did that he had no idea. Then again he had mostly talked to the guy when he had been annoyed and pissed off so, maybe this was his regular voice. He looked to Daryl as if he was a moving statue or tree, clearly surprised that he had agreed and the Daryl waved the kid over, told him to go find a stool or something so he could get high enough to see. Well that had been unexpected.

“I'mma fix with'er some, break loose t'front so s'can be pulled on't.” He explained to Hershel while Carl was already running off looking for whatever he could find to suit the task. Rick stepped forward but kept some distance, well aware of how the guy kept track on where Rick and Maggie was at. Despite the professional calm Rick took that as a sign that his situation was not out of the woods yet.

“You sure? He doesn't have to, though it looks like you already got him excited enough for him to back off now.” Rick asked, the last thing he had expected was for Daryl to be okay with it. Daryl just shrugged Rick off, silently saying he didn't mind and then he proceeded to go through the quick fix he would do first and then after the mechanical mumbo jumbo about the front axle which Rick didn't understand, he would get the tow truck in position and load the tractor up. Hershel seemed to understand most of it though.

“Alright then, guess we have some time to pass!” Maggie announced but she knew there was no such thing.

“I'm kidding, I'll go check on the cattle on the east side, don't worry daddy.” She chirped, family bantering at the warmest because Hershel knew his daughter wasn't one to skip out on her work.

“But remember daddy, Glenn is coming tomorrow, I'm having him meet the entire family while I have the chance to, ended up being a quick change of plans.” She said glancing over at Rick with a smile which he returned. He did feel a bit excited to meet the one that could tie the force of Maggie to himself but he hadn't thought he would get the chance to do it so soon, he had just learned she had someone. Daryl had managed to sneak away without him noticing and Rick missed him coming back too, now with a box of scrambling metal tools which he placed on one of the frontal wheelhouses so he could easily reach what he needed.

 

Hershel took Rick's attention at the same time that Carl came back, placing his three step stool ladder next to the tractor and huffing from having carried something a bit too heavy for him with one busted wrist. Old craftsmanship’s were not exactly as light and brittle as IKEA furniture. As he was pulled away following Hershel he did manage to catch Daryl adjusting the piece of wood and then after getting permission he lifted Carl up on the highest step before finding his foot a point of leverage he could use to push himself up. Before turning to actually see where he was walking he saw Daryl pointing at some things, head toward the engine but he was probably telling Carl what the parts were called or what function they had.

“Be careful Carl!” Rick shouted to his son and felt a bit left behind when Carl just waved him off quickly before turning his attention back to Daryl and the engine.

“So, how do I make my son as loyal as your daughters?” Rick asked, half honest, half as a joke which made Hershel chuckle at the hinted panic in Rick's voice. He didn't get an answer but he did get put to work.

 

* * *

 

An hour worth of time at the field had him soaking, the button down worn beige shirt sticking to his skin and looking more like brown than beige by the time they could finally stop to replenish fluid. Patricia had come out with icy cold lemonade for the field workers and most likely she had offered some to the new and proud mechanic's of the farm too. No screams of injuries had happened so safe to say, Carl was fine but Rick was still getting that same _“leaving Judith with someone other than him”_ antsy type of feeling and after swallowing down his lemonade he told Hershel he'd go check on them. Arriving at the tractor he frowned when he saw no one near it but soon heard his baby girl giggling and squeeling.

He found them in the safety of shade from an old oak just to the side of the barn, sitting on the ground. Judith was in Carl's lap loving the attention and his mouth was going non-stop. Daryl was next to them and nodding or shaking his head weather he seemed to agree with something or disagree, safe to say the sight was a strange one and Rick couldn't describe what was going through his chest. He felt oddly pleased to see his kids, and Daryl too, all relaxed and enjoying themselves and interacting. He knew for a fact that he hadn't ever seen the guy anywhere close to this relaxed before, as if on cue and Rick was thinking everything out loud Daryl tensed slightly and turned his head. Maybe Rick wore some kind of alarm bell that he couldn't hear himself, he didn't know and so he tried for a casual but friendly greeting as he walked up to them. It wasn't returned but at least he wasn’t getting up to kick Rick’s ass so he wasn’t complaining, Rick could only dare to hope he had been somewhat forgiven, that Daryl had let Rick’s insensitivity slide.

“Hey sweetie, are you stirring up trouble for the hard working boys hmm?” He reached for his daughter and Carl shifted her from his lap into his father's hands. Judith babbled happily, not even trying to deny her super power of distraction. Rick tucked her against his chest and kissed her head.

“Patricia had her when she came out with drinks for us and she made a face like she really wanted to stay, dad you should have seen her.” Carl laughed at the memory of Judith reaching for him and pouting her tiny face until Carl had taken her.

“Can't stay away from your brother for too long now can you.” He cooed toward Judith, a smile on his face from what Carl had said. Judith clapped her hands without much coordination but she was getting the hang of it, he knew how fast it went, one day they can't crawl and you look away for a second and the next they're already trying to run on wobbly legs, causing a heart attack or two in the process.

“Or maybe you got a new crush on Daryl here?” He teasingly asked and she squeeled as if she happily agreed to the statement. Rick made a mock shocked face at his daughter, seeing from his peripheral how Daryl ducked his head and started biting at his bottom lip with his teeth, hands fidgeting with his fingers, clearing dirt from his nails. Maybe he took the teasing because the kids were around, Rick feared the possible reaction if they hadn’t been, then again he wouldn’t have been able to tease about Judith having a crush if they hadn’t. Kids were great though, kids could be useful social shields.

“You know I'm not going to let you talk to any boys except you brother here until you're like 30.” He continued to appeal to Judith's enjoyment when it came to attention and tried to keep the focus on her and not Daryl.

“Dad seriously.” Carl deadpanned.

“That's cruel, I'd say we can trust her when she's 25.” He said clearly tagging along on the teasing and Rick laughed.

“Deal.” He may have imagined it, but there may have been a small smile on Daryl's lips but when he dared carefully looking in a very discreet manner, like he did when on a stake-out, it wasn't there. He swore from what he thought he had seen, a smile would suit him. Daryl seemed to pick up on Rick's thoughts but Rick was sure he hadn't seen him glancing at him, but he stood up and brushed lingering grass and dirt from his pants.

“I'mma tell Hershel we'good t'load.” He stated before walking off to look for the old man. Rick thought he probably just wanted to get away from Rick. The positive part regarding the layout of a farm was the large expanses of the areas and plenty of sight to spot people, which also denied Rick the ability to offer to take him to where Hershel was, so he couldn’t used that excuse to try and mend fences with the guy.

“Try the tomato field, it's where I left him!” Rick shouted after, at least that much he could do and he felt a bristle of joy when Daryl raised his hands in acknowledgement before continuing on. Then again, Rick thought, would he even know where the tomato field was? If he didn't hold Judith he would have face palmed himself and that meant he could also take Daryl's raised hand as an _“whatever”_ just to dismiss Rick. Yep, definitely dismissed then.

“Dad he's like super cool, knows everything in that engine and he even let me help out, could have done more if I had two hands though.” Carl said with a very much excited tone to his voice and now when Carl held his hands up Rick could see the engine grease he doubted Carl would wash off in any time soon, the proud evidence of a hard working man.

“Oh?” Rick asked a bit worried about the front axle and whatever release of parts mumbo jumbo he hadn't understood.

“Under the hood dad, he asked me to step away when he was loosening and shifting the axle so the wheels can roll freely, he said this model is mainly rear wheel'd but that it has a small division to the front wheel's so if he didn't disconnect them they won't roll freely. Apparently it's unique.”  His son obviously knew his dad's first thought would have been to worry if he had been part of crawling into and under a giant dangerous tractor with part of its main body busted. Rick was listening without completely understanding, but at least it made a bit more sense now and he felt touched that Daryl had minded the safety of his child where he judged it would be needed.

“Alright then, I'm happy you're learning since your old man doesn’t know anything about cars, maybe you'll be the one fixing ours the next time.” Carl looked proud to have his new knowledge, but he wasn't full of himself.

“I'd have to have Daryl teach me cars first, not tractors.” He said and Rick perked up a bit.

“Think he'd do that?” He asked and Carl was put in thought, not responding right away.

“Maybe, he's nice even though he swears a lot.” Carl looked a bit shy and Rick knew why.

“I hope you didn't pick up any of that.” And Carl laughed while shaking his head.

“No dad, promise.” Carl twisted his tone a bit and Rick knew for sure his son was messing with him, at least there was no way Carl would use any of the words around his baby sister so.. he just had to have her around his son for the rest of his life then, problem solved!

Hershel came back before Daryl who had been fetching the vehicle and soon he pulled up the tow truck, giving everyone a moment to move away so he could back it up toward the back of the tractor. Beth had come out to watch and taken Judith while doing so, though Maggie had intended to help out too she had done as promised and gone off to check on the cattle so that left Rick, Hershel, Daryl and Shawn. Daryl only spoke in sharp but precise and easy instructions to follow because they were well placed and had everyone able to work smoothly together. It was mainly just strapping on the bolted chains and straining them before he could lift the back of the tractor with the crane and pull the gump onto the loading platform with the chains. Rick worked while wondering if Sophia had told Carl about Daryl, if his son knew who this guy was but from the sound of it he didn't think she had or maybe just hadn't said his name.

“Alright, Dale' will call ye 'n she's fix'd.” He said and nodded in agreement with Hershel.

“Send Dale my regards and thanks again for the chevvy.” The old man said and Rick thought about the car he had borrowed. So okay, he guessed that Dale had taken it in and when the work was done then Maggie picked it up, hence the casual but not really friends type of greeting they had done when Daryl arrived.

“No prob's” Daryl said and excused himself with a downward nod to the adult's.

“Later kid, Little A.” He gave Carl and Judith an individual nod each before climbing up into the truck and carefully tested the clutch after putting it into gear. He was taking it slow considering farm land was softer and more brittle beneath the heavy machinery and would give out from too much friction, moving steady and easy until the tow truck finally started increasing in speed with the tractor pulled along with it. After the initial crawl they watched as the tow truck made a steady acceleration, driving away from the Greene's. Rick turned to his son with a confused look.

“Little A?” He questioned and Carl seemed to just remember, hugest smiles Rick ever saw.

“Oh, Judith kicked his finger when he was greeting her and he said she was a tough little Asskicker so that’s probably it.” Rick felt his eyebrows shoot toward the sky. Of all that was unexpected, that took the price. He looked to Judith, putting the imaginary little Asskicker title to her chubby little face and laughed a bit, Daryl did have his thing with nicknames. Hershel had kept Rick distracted enough and so he hadn't even had much of a chance to make up for his mistake let alone talk to the guy. At least he hadn't seemed too hostile against Rick back at the tree so that was a plus.  Maybe Rick was the one making a big deal out it, not that Daryl liked him still, but Rick would take this. Better let the man get used to him instead of forcing an apology on him. All in all Daryl hadn't killed him, he had indulged his son's curiosity and taught him skills of his profession and he had shown affection toward his baby girl through his nickname for her. He'd call today a total win.


	7. Perdition and solutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick hasn't seen the Dixon’s since the farm, if he didn’t know better about Merle keeping out of the station he would say the earth ate them. Rick only gets to thinking everything life is going great and nothing could go wrong, but it doesn't last very long. Merle has gotten himself into a bad situation and Rick makes a decision.

The vacation at the Green Farm had really boosted the Grime's morale. Working through the weeks like a breeze, patching things back together with Shane and the tiny amount that had fractured before could be closed again. He felt he was back to an enjoyable and perky mood, like nothing could ever go wrong again. Rick dared telling Shane about the younger Dixon showing up at the Greene's and at first Shane had thought Rick to be crazy to leave his kids alone with the guy but slowly Rick was starting to convince him otherwise. Didn't mean Shane liked Daryl, but he seemed reluctantly okay with Rick's opinion about him. Things started to feel normal again, except that there was no regular Merle Dixon and Rick realized that yes, despite his early doubts it seemed he could grow used to the guy, even to such a point when his recurring presence straying from its normal pattern made it feel like something was lacking at the station. If he hadn't for a fact seen Daryl at the Greene's he'd say the earth had swallowed them up by the looks of it.

Luckily he had Carol who seemed to be checking in at the Dixon’s residence and much to Rick’s surprise he had even heard Sophia refer to Merle as _uncle Merle_ which completely baffled him. If he was out of the station more times than he was in it now, that meant he was getting his shit together and Carol being in contact with them well, that spoke for itself. Let it be known that Carol was a force of nature with Ed out of the picture and from the small every day things she sometimes told Rick, Merle seemed to be getting on his feet and his relationship with their makeshift little family was improving, Carol even worried that Sophia may be getting a tad bit too attached. Rick knew he sometimes strayed back to the image of the touch of a neck, ducked heads and low whispering, wounds between brothers laying bare before each other, he couldn’t seem to let the image go and knowing what could be seen if you just took a moment to look. Sophia had probably seen it, Carol too and it could just be the saving grace for someone like Merle Dixon.

When Shane arrived he asked Rick if he was ready for patrol which he insinuated a yes by waving the delicately put together sandwiches Carol had dropped off for them while asking if Carl sleeping over was still a go. Carl had been complaining about the cast itching for the past 3 days so Rick had very eagerly agreed that it was a great idea, not that he wouldn't miss his son but it was a win-win. Shane was just about to start the car after a brief catch-up chat when their first call came in. Usually it was drunken fights or petty theft but this time dispatch was requesting reinforcement to King County General where a violent situation involving assault on an officer was unfolding, they were requested to the location and to proceed with caution but urgency. Rick responded to dispatch while Shane hit the sirens and started the car, making their way to the hospital.

Now safe to say assault on officer had been accurate and the situation was losing more and more control by the time they got there. But there as they approached, he saw the bloody hands at first, instinct securing there was no weapon involved, he couldn’t see one. The hospital staff were frightened and keeping their distance and Rick noticed he knew those hands. _Like nothing could go wrong, shit._

There was Daryl, all fury and hurt in his eyes, wanting to push through, constantly on the move with his balance in a clear picture of fight or flight mode. He looked cornered, pissed off and desperate, combinations that rarely ended well for anyone, so that ruled out flight almost completely. He kept pacing and looking past them, looking for an opening and soon to be on the verge of not caring what he had to do to get through them. His face was bruised and there were more blood soaked in his clothes. Shane was pulling the wounded officer back, relieving him of his duties to maintain the situation and the guy, Adams Rick thought his name was, gladly followed back, wheezing like he had a hard time just breathing because of the pain.  

“What the fuck, it's Dixon Rick, told you he was fucking crazy.” Rick did not have the time for Shane's bullshit and I told you so's, rather he felt anger growing because his partner had the time to prioritize that to be the first thing he said. This had more to it. Yes Daryl had a temper but he wouldn’t look like he did right now from just some fight, when Rick looked at Daryl it was like he didn't even see Rick and anything like the face he'd had at the farm was gone and buried, now all almost with a will to kill. Yet despite his fists being clawed shut, tight and almost painful looking, he hadn't attacked them when they had arrived, with everyone at a distance he just paced, searched with his eyes going all over the place. Rick would trust his instinct on this one, somewhere in Daryl there was still that control he had shown the first night Rick had met him, control that could slap sense into Merle, not hard but with a touch with something between just the two of them enough to have him listen.

“Daryl, hey Daryl.” He carefully said. He realized his hand had rested on his python, out of instinct from just one look at the feral fury in Daryl. He carefully moved his hand, raised them to appear less threatening.

“Daryl listen to me.” He carefully approached but when Daryl's entire body twitched in aggressiveness he took a step back, feeling Shane tensing and wanting to ask what the fuck he thought he was doing.

“It's Rick Grimes, can you tell me what's happening here.” He knew what Shane would attempt to do and dismissed him the second his partner started to move. Shane's solution was always move in, break it down and secure the situation. But Rick wouldn't bet on his solution this time, not when it was Daryl and Shane, not when Daryl was this volatile. His blue eyes flickered and Rick took it as a sign that he was responding to Rick's voice, calm and commanding. Shane held back, hissing out that Rick was crazy and if he was even close to getting his shit kicked then, yeah Rick wasn't sure what the end of Shane's sentence was.

“Daryl, I want to move a bit closer so we have a calm discussion, alright?” Rick kept repeating his name, make Daryl know Rick knew him. Building on even the tiniest amount of trust they had between them from before, the trust that had also helped Carol and Sophia. Daryl started to look more focused and this time when he looked at Rick it was at least like he saw him. Rick waited to give Daryl time to recognize him.

“Rick, seems like Merle got himself a nasty one outside of Joe's, before taking the guy down.” Shane explained after getting the basic of the situation from Officer Adams aka Officer Assaulted.  Rick cursed under his breath, it didn't help at all but it did explain the desperation in Daryl if his brother was hurt. Daryl twitched again at the mention of Merle, back to full on tense and ready to bash someone in.

“Whoa Daryl hey, focus on me okay.”  Rick moved his hands a little to reinforce his voice. Using both visual and auditory senses combined, he hoped to redirect Daryl's focus back to him. Daryl's eyes shot back and were just staring holes in Rick's skull but they were back to focus nonetheless. This time when Rick took a step forward, instead of Daryl twitching ready to move on the offense, he took a step back, willing the distance between them to remain the same.

“Okay, now I know I am going to ask a lot here Daryl, but seeing my son trust you, Carol and Sophia trusts you, my son too, I am going to trust them. But I also need you to trust me some okay?” He said, eyes locked, never letting go and with not even a smudge of dishonesty. One step, two, then three and Daryl had only backed away one step.

“Good, I'm gonna come a bit closer still alright.” He only needed about five more steps, so he settled for three. Daryl stood still, lowered his head ever so slightly, breaking the eye contact he'd had with Rick.

“Okay Daryl, we got to let the staff here get back to work, they're scared and they have jobs to do. How about we move, maybe get you cleaned up a bit.” Rick tried to lower his head a bit so he could catch Daryl's eyes, it was a hard task considering how skilled the man was at avoiding eye contact, though he couldn't manage get it back he did catch a look enough to make some sense out of it. Daryl was looking more and more lost and though Rick attempted to nudge a hand at his elbow to lead him away he stopped himself just before. No touching yet, touching would probably set him off.

“Okay? There's a toilet three doors down, why don't we go there?” He suggested and was relieved to see a tiny nod before Daryl started moving, keeping Rick in his field of vision at all cost while doing so. Rick judged Daryl to still be skittish enough to risk him reverting back to hostility if he wasn't cautious so getting him into a space with no others around was his best bet. When they got to the door Rick carefully stepped past and pushed it open with one hand and let Daryl walk in before him, testing out a thumbs up in Shane's direction despite not knowing if this was a shit idea or not.

At least the inside of the toilet, still smelling like hospital antiseptics, had cooler air and the various tiny noises got locked outside as the door closed behind them. In there it was just him and Rick, waiting for the water to start pouring and Rick giving him time to raise the tap in case he needed a minute to collect himself. But even after a minute he just stood there with his hands above the basin and his eyes just stared at the tap, not looking like he was all there. Rick noticed his hands, through the clotted and dried blood, how tense they were. He had managed to release his fingers from their clutched state but now they looked locked in their joints, even if he was attempting Rick's idea he seemed unable to actually do it.

“I'm gonna come closer and start the water.” He explained what he was about to do, giving Daryl a fair heads up before he closed in and raised the tap to start the water, then pulling it to the side to get a somewhat warmer temperature. Painfully slow he reached for Daryl's hands giving him plenty of time to decide that it wasn't okay and pull away, if there was a chance for touch, this was it. When Daryl allowed the touch to happen, only flinching from the first finger against his skin, Rick gently lay the tips of his fingers on the side of his hands to guide them into the flow. As if Daryl's brain just caught up with him his eyes focused in on the their hands and he started pulling them away from Rick's, the cop chanced a little heavier grip to keep them in place.

“It's alright.” He calmly said and knew he could expect either a punch and kick to his side if he was unable to dodge, or he would just simply remain. When the latter was the case Rick lightened up his touch again and started with small circular movements to rub the dried blood off the skin. The water pooled into a more rustic color in the white porcelain as he worked it off the roughed and calloused hands. The tanned skin stared spotting out, then opening up in patches as more of the dirt and blood got washed away. They were almost clean but Rick continued to wash them, he was going on his own experience that warm water felt real good in bad situations and maybe Daryl thought so too by the way he was slowly relaxing his shoulders, the longer his hands were caressing Daryl's like they were something valuable the more he sagged into himself and pulled deeper, shattered breaths. When Daryl's fingers curled into themselves again Rick's followed and just held on as if they were a shield around the other man’s. Daryl was clutching them again but rather this time he seemed to be trying to control himself and not push his joints to the brink of whitening the edges.

“I'mma lose m'brother.” Daryl said quietly, voice shaky and raw with hurt. When Daryl's fingers snapped open in instant Rick thought this was the moment he'd get punched, that Daryl changed his mind and decided Rick was hostile, but the hands only moved around his own pair and then latched onto Rick’s fingers instead of Rick's around Daryl's. They held on tight and Rick could feel the strain in his own bones inside that vice like grip but he bit his teeth together while Daryl held on to him like it was his only keeping him sane. He knew he was frowning because of the words, not exactly sure if they meant Merle dying or locked up but at this moment maybe it was the same for Daryl. Then they just stood there, water still running and Rick knew he would give the man ten minutes, thirty, an hour, two, the entire night, if it would make a difference for Daryl who was on the verge of breaking down but refusing to. In the back of his mind was the worry that Shane could be popping the door open like some shit show on TV and completely destroy it all at any moment.

He heard the closest thing to a sob that he guessed Daryl could manage, the man’s fingers finally releasing Ricks and once again he tried to pull away. Rick gave himself a fraction of a second to stretch his fingers and test his joints before they followed after Daryl’s.

“Wait, here.” He said and Daryl stopped, then Rick carefully placed one hand up around his shoulder and the other visible to the other man, always making sure Daryl could react to whatever he was doing. Then Rick pulled gently and Daryl's body reluctantly gave in, letting Rick embrace his trembling form into the hug and he held, held his body the same way he'd held the hands. Daryl froze at the contact and Rick could feel his skin vibrating as he was fighting an internal battle with himself, the side that needed the comfort won enough for his head to finally falter and burrow down into the crook of Rick's neck.

“Alright.” He just said, letting Daryl soak whatever he wanted from Rick. He kept his hand at the neck and just brushed his fingers through the hair. Every new stroke had Daryl flinch, but less and less with each time.

“Alright.” He just repeated and kept repeating it whenever a twitch or flinch or bit back sob escaped the man, nothing but confirming that he was here and that Daryl could use him until he was satisfied. He knew at some point he'd need to ask Daryl what happened, or sort it all out with the officers who'd been first on the scene and followed the Dixon's to the hospital. A time where Daryl would have to help out too, but that could wait.

It took thirty five minutes before Daryl had calmed down enough to pull himself out from Rick's arms. Rick felt a bit stiff but that's what you got for standing around body locked to one single position. Twice had he heard Shane pace outside the door, only earning a delay in the calming process because Daryl had picked it up without any effort and started bundling up his muscles again, Rick could feel it on his skin when Daryl bit his jaws together so hard the muscles twitched and strained. He couldn't exactly yell for Shane to stop the fucking pacing either, but thankfully the patrols didn't last long, probably because he couldn't hear any disturbance of any kind from inside.

Rick still held on to Daryl's neck before he could completely break away.

“I think maybe tonight is not the best time, they'll be asking questions, how about we get you home and we can do the questions at the station in the morning, let the docs work so they can help Merle okay?” He was breaking protocol but fuck protocol right now, Rick feared Daryl may just revert back to aggression and Rick felt like he had that little amount of trust they would need to sort this out. He felt like he was ready to give Daryl the world if he wanted it. Last time the elder Dixon's name had been used he'd flipped so there's was always that chance, but at least he didn't call any sign of tension when Rick had said his name, just the quiet stretching over their breathing. The longer the wait the louder he found their breathing to sound, but when Daryl did decide that he had thought about it he responded.

“Nah, not home.” Daryl sounded like he forced the words out of himself. Rick let go of, deciding that if he responded to that question he was calm enough, Rick hoped.

“Alright.” But he was struggling with what to do if Daryl didn't want to go home. Rick's brain decided to help him out, remembering that Carol had said that Merle usually stayed with Daryl, not when they had been there but that he lived there at the cabin along with Daryl. Merle not being there could still be his reason for him to want to stay away and not be reminded that his brother wasn’t around.

“Alright, would you be okay with my place?” He asked and there was no hiding the rejection that was written on Daryl's face, but at least this was better than feral and wild violence with a tiny thread of control threatening to break. But he didn't think it was because Daryl didn't want to, it rather looked like he didn't know what the fuck Rick was thinking, bringing Daryl to his home.

“T'fuck?” Daryl questioned but then turned confused when Rick just motioned with his hand for Daryl to follow.

“Comon. ” He said, not to mention he could keep an eye on Daryl, of course he would have to..  fuck Beth and Judith. Well he would have to sort that out when they got there. Daryl looked like he lost the will to fight him on it when Rick didn’t seem to agree with it being an issue, that after everything from before and today’s events, it still wasn't an issue.

_“And you’re a damn goody two-shoes Mr. Grimes.”_ Indeed he was, but he also felt that he wanted to do this, not because he had fucked up before and owed Daryl, but because he wanted to help him, show him he deserved the people who were on his side. Daryl started to walk.

 

* * *

 

The evening had been a mess trying to get Shane to back off before Daryl grew too wary of his presence, it had become a battle to keep not only him calm, but Shane too and he knew he wouldn't hear the end of it later on. Whatever reluctant acceptance Shane had been getting to was as good as wasted after that evening. Now Rick had held on to some of the truth regarding his plans, only said that he would manage Daryl and that he would have officer Chambler replace him for the rest of the evening. Telling Shane he was bringing Daryl to his own home would have definitely backfired, but asking Shane to trust him on this one had, after some complaints, been enough to have him let it go. Chambler agreed, probably out of guilt for the rumors and maybe it had been mean of Rick to use that against her, but he would allow himself that one for now, she was a rookie after all and he could make do with abusing his seniority somewhat.

Now he hadn't known what state Merle was in, maybe it would be his worst mistake pulling Daryl from his brother if he were to die during the night but his decision had been rash and was made before he had much time to slap sense into himself. It was either his plan to take him home, taking him to the station for the rest of the night as he was consider a danger to the rest after his little show of violence, or Rick could stay with him at the hospital. The station didn’t feel right and he couldn’t stay because he had Beth sitting with Judith and had to go home. He made sure to at least check Merle's status, chancing a quick chat with the head nurse and hoping that leaving Daryl a bit further away wouldn't cause any troubles, she explained he was in surgery and would most likely be for the coming couple of hours. Rick could be disappointed in Merle however much he'd like to for making his brother hurt, it was probably not the first time something more serious had happened either, but this one had probably been the worst if Rick went by Daryl's behavior and in the end he still didn’t know the full story.

He had thanked the nurse and then walking back to Daryl. As if Rick had suddenly evolved into some kind of pest or mold Daryl avoided looking at Rick, even when he spoke about moving on because they couldn’t see Merle either way. Didn't change the way Rick could feel he was always being kept in the field of vision. He would say there was an uncomfortable touch to it creeping around his spine, just being observed like asking for any excuse for this all to be a bad idea. Daryl could have changed his mind, but then again he didn't seem like the bullshit type of guy and would probably say something if he didn't agree, or shrug of course, Rick had learned that Daryl's type of responses was either that or nods.

“I added my number and asked them to call me when they know more.” He explained as they were passing the parking lot. He would really owe Shane for having to spend the evening with a rookie instead, but hey that was another problem for another day. Daryl stared at the squad car and then back at Rick like there wasn't any way he was getting into that and maybe even some belief that Rick had somewhere lied to him.

“No, I didn't lie, I was on duty with Shane, makes sense right? It means I don't have my own car so this will have to work.” He let Daryl go through the memories in his head, how Rick and Shane being there was not just because they enjoyed visiting hospitals and take coffee breaks there. Rick opened his door, the act and sound along with his words had him hope that would have Daryl respond by doing the same and he did think it was a failed attempt until a minute later when Daryl ripped the door open and got in the car in a not so friendly manner. Rick chanced a glance, probably just the car pissing him off, but at least he was in the front seat.

He felt the awkward moment spread a flush on his cheeks when Shane's horrible top 80's to 90's uplifting workout music related to women in tights doing group workout, started playing. Why the fuck Shane liked this music he didn't know, he guessed some could be catchy but still. Rick had completely forgotten it was there and he quickly fumbled on the button to turn the stereo off. The car fell silent, but that was better than before and it made him so much more focused on the actual driving that it didn't feel like it took that long, except every red light he had to stop for put that gut wrenching embarrassment in motion, but that was just him. Daryl was staring out the window, teeth nudging on the skin of his thumb. Rick remembered washing them and feeling the rough skin close to his nails, ridges, tips and small pits of damaged skin, all from teeth, he learned.

As they had reached Rick's house, apart from Rick saying something the drive had passed in silence and where as Daryl had taken time to just get in the car, getting him out of it was not a problem. As soon as Rick parked on the driveway the door was open and he was out, didn't even hear the click of the seat belt. He looked like he wanted to pace around again, all the way up to the door following after Rick, constantly shifting his weight.

Beth greeted Rick in the hallway with a confused look.

“Hi, weren't you supposed to be home later?” She asked, tilting her head and sneaking a glance at the door still open and with no Daryl squeezing into the hallway, Rick had to double take a quick look to make sure he hadn't run off.

“Yeah, this was a bit unexpected. We'll be fine with Judith unless you want to stay then that's alright too, just going to help Daryl out.” He took another look and motioned for the man to actually come inside already, probably the whole idea with someone else being there wasn't appealing to the guy. Rick had to lightly grab his wrist, same procedure as before, making sure it was okay and that Daryl had plenty of time to see what he was doing. Daryl let himself be pulled inside, staring down toward the floor, probably counting all the lines in the wooden pattern. Beth seemed to take a breath when she saw the bruising and blood but that also helped with her with moving out of the way as quick as she could so they could pass.

“I'll watch her for a bit.” She said and Rick gave her a quick _“thanks”_ before Rick steered Daryl toward the bathroom. Though Rick was only living in an apartment, it was the bottom floor with an outdoor space and his bathroom was big enough to be able to fit both of them. It was hard to have a toddler in a cramped bathroom after all. Pointing at the toilet seat Rick had Daryl sit down while he went through the cabinets looking for his first aid kit. The man did, with some strain and Rick worried there may be more damage than he thought now that the guy was letting his body catch up to him.

“If you want to shower you can.” Rick said to him. To his surprise, despite it all going down outside of Joe's, accordingly to sources, he didn't smell of any alcohol. Maybe a hint of beer on his breath but he hadn't been drunk. Though he didn't smell like alcohol he also probably hadn't had a shower in a while, the lingering layer of sweat mixed with motor oil and pine, some dirt. So he could really use one. Rick found the first aid kid and picked out a bottle of alcohol based formula and started to clean the cut to the side of Daryl's mouth, one on the side of his eyebrow which had previous damage. Daryl protested at first but Rick was persistent. He remembered the wound from the cell and it looked like the scab that had almost healed completely had cracked back open, maybe for a second time. The longer Daryl sat the more exhausted he started to look and the more he grit his teeth together to suffocate the hints of pain his body had started reminding him of. Rick carefully reached for the hem of his shirt and startled when he was stopped by a painful grip around his wrist, Rick held still while Daryl just stared forward at the tiles in front of him.

“Okay. It would help if I knew the extent of the damage” Rick said and he could tell there was obviously more damage the way he was guarding himself. Maybe leaving the hospital had been a bad idea, wouldn’t have hurt if he had gotten a check-up there.

“Daryl.” The grip loosened, probably not because he was agreeing but that the effort was draining him and Daryl used the strength he had left to push Rick's hand away and lift the shirt himself. His side was bruised from the top of his hip where the pants sat, up toward his ribs, the skin was all large discolored patches of purple and blue. Rick frowned, there was no way this didn't hurt like a bitch and this was only what he could see through the layer of dirt. Rick viewed it over, it did look like just bruising, some old scars every now and then, maybe a cracked rib but it probably not anything broken. Daryl let his shirt fall back to cover his skin up when Rick leaned over to the side to open the tap and let the water in the shower start pouring. It was one of those tub and shower combinations which was heavenly wonderful when you had a toddler getting messy every single day.

“Can you manage one?” He asked and got a short nod in reply.

“Great, let's see, towel.” He mumbled mainly to himself when turning to the tall closet next to the door. He more or less grabbed the first thing from the “ _random”_ shelf and placed it on the sink. Meanwhile Daryl had managed to get himself up on two feet, it wasn't smoothless but it was something.

“I'll grab you a change, going to start a machine so if you want to clean your clothes I can toss them in.” He said before stepping out of the bathroom to find a pair of sweats, a pair of boxers and a t-shirt that would work for Daryl. He did have more muscle but regarding height they were pretty similar so Rick tried to find some clothes he remembered getting years back that had been bigger and meant for a vacation in the Alps with Lori, baggy and warm. He figured they would fit okay on Daryl. The younger Dixon was still just standing awkwardly in the bathroom when Rick came back, success in his hands and he put the clothes down next to the towel.

“You sure you’re good?” He asked, since the man hadn't moved maybe he couldn't.

“'s fine.” He muttered, but Rick's still worried all things considered. The guy looked ready to keel over but was just stubborn enough to remain on his feet, no doubt he needed a decent night of sleep, some food and time to breathe. When he got fed up with Rick's lingering he turned his head and glared, but hey at least he wasn't just staring like his brain had disconnected. Rick took it for what it was.

“Okay I'm leaving, get the bed ready, we'll be right outside.” He said, apartment was small enough so there wasn't much room for confusion, the chances of getting lost were pretty much 0. Rick left the bathroom and heard the door close and the lock clicking behind him.

While he heard the sound of the water in the shower start falling in a non-repeated pattern he knew Daryl had stepped under its flow and was left with a curious Beth to deal with in the meantime. She was handing Judith over to him without giving him much time to prepare himself.

“The mechanic guy from the farm, is he okay?” She asked and Rick tucked Judith toward his chest.

“He should be, just don’t know when.” Rick started, but didn’t think he should be saying too much to the teenager, well if it got worse and Daryl refused the hospital he guess he could ask her dad to help but he hoped it wouldn’t get to that point.

“Everything has been chaotic this last hour.” He sighed and he knew he would be feeling the awakened stirring for a long part of the evening, blood rushing up and having a hard time coming down, where Daryl was exhausted, Rick knew he should be but wouldn’t feel it until his body finally relaxed.

“Yeah I was just, the blood and I didn’t think you were friends.” She explained, he didn’t think she had picked up any of her thoughts from the farm but at least she thought they didn’t really have any relationship and he wasn’t wrong, they weren’t friends, they had something but he didn’t know what to call it.

“We’re not, I just couldn’t leave him, think he needs someone around right now.” Rick said and Beth gave him a sweet smile, knowing Rick’s kindness from being part of the extended family. Then again she also knew he had his gut and was very particular about the people in his life, it took some effort to get past his initial grading stage.

“He must be something then.” She easily admitted and waited to see if Rick was going to expand on the topic.

“Yeah, he’s a good man. Saved a kid a while back, saved a friend of mine too, the reason I have that friend even.” He watched her think for a bit, back to the farm during the dinner he had told them about meeting Carol and how they had gotten close after her divorce, how their kids enjoyed spending time with each other not to mention that crush everyone tried to not tease Carl about.

“Carol?” She asked and Rick fondly nodded.

“Daryl convinced her to call me.” He said. Beth continued to smile while giving Judith some additional attention while being in her daddy’s arms.

“I see, I’m glad for it you know, she seems like a good friend.” Beth continued, letting the topic remain a bit vague, understanding that if there was more to it then it may not be Rick’s place to say anything.

“Well, I better be on my way, called Maggie to pick me up since you’re home and all.” She pulled her hand back from playing with Judith.

“Thank you Beth, send my best to your family okay?” He said and followed her to the hallway.

“Of course, always do.” She said before waving good bye, Rick took hold of Judith’s hand and waved with it to Beth. When she left he went to the living room to place her in the playpen before continuing to the kitchen, figured maybe Daryl wanted to eat something and had made a couple of sandwiches just in case, had some yoghurt too if they were a hassle to eat for the guy.

 

* * *

 

 Daryl was like a new person without the dirt on his skin, hair in wet stripes letting his face show more than usual as he halted to a stop at the entrance to the kitchen. Not to mention the fact that the guy looked real uncomfortable with sweats and a t-shirt on. Rick with all the seriousness around, still had to try and hold back some amusement, slapping himself mentally that this guys brother was in surgery and he here was thinking about how sweats did not suit him. Rick tapped in to his cop mentality to command control over himself.

“Hungry?” He asked.

“Nah.” It was a mere whisper but Rick could hear him without straining his ears. He filled a glass of water at least and handed it to Daryl, thinking he should at least get some fluid in his system. Daryl took the glass, looked at it first and then he drank it. Now with his skin clean the original color of the tan was shown, all natural and speaking of life outdoors. Rick felt pale in comparison, but he had managed picked some color up during their stay at the Greene's, still he was falling short if they were comparing.

Apart from the tan there were more tiny scars, mainly on his hands but some on his fore arms and upper arms before the t-shirt covered up the shoulder and chest area. Working with his hands so much as he did surely left its mark and Rick willed himself to stop staring at the guys hands, folded tightly around the glass, almost too tightly with a slight shake to them. Quick to react Rick reached out to fold his hands around Daryl's and remove the glass from his hands before it shattered.  
“Hey, hey.” He raised his voice a bit louder to snap Daryl out from his mind because he was sure it had slipped back to his brother. “Told them to call me about any changes remember, when they call we'll know.” He reassured.

“You should sleep, the bed is ready.” With Daryl looking like he did, almost hollow like a ghost, it was a wonder he was even on his feet. Rick earned himself a frown, but he wasn't sure why.

“Nah. Sofa's fine.” And now it didn't matter to Rick, even if he'd prefer the guy sleep in a bed but it seemed to matter to Daryl. So Rick went to grab a spare sheet, quilt and pillow to dress the couch in. Daryl had stayed in the kitchen until Rick passed it with all items in hand and when it as all in order it was like Daryl waited for additional confirmation before he would accept the couch, Rick quickly gave it to him and watched as the man limped over to it and carefully sat himself down. He looked so out of place, fingertips lightly feeling the fabric of the soft and clean sheet as if it was foreign and feet sat bare on the warm soft rug under the coffee table.  Judith as if on cue to tease from her playpen, got chatty to the amount of baby talk she could manage. Rick picked his girl up and coddled her with tight hugs and kisses.

“I'll be just down the hall, next to the bathroom then.” He said and waited for Daryl to confirm he had heard him with just any tiny sign of confirmation. He heard a soft _mmhm_ sound coming from the sofa.

“Good night then.” He said and left with Judith in his arms, big yawns coming from her so she was just like Daryl, ready to pass out any second. Rick cooed to her while walking around in the bedroom, inducing sleep in record time not that she was ever a fussy sleeper but you never knew what new personality twists she could develop. He put her down in the crib and turned toward the book he'd neglected for weeks on the nightstand. Now even if the two others in the apartment were ready to sleep, he sure wasn't for another two hours and he couldn't watch TV so he cleaned up the kitchen first, wrapping the sandwiches in plastic wrap and then thought maybe this was actually a good opportunity to get back into the story of that book.

It had just passed midnight when Rick woke up to the sound of struggling noises. Of course at first his sleep thick brain had taken some time to make out what had woken him and what he was hearing. But there were few options for the source of the sound, making Rick feel worry coursing through his chest. Rick pulled on a t-shirt before heading out of the bedroom, door slightly ajar out of habit. At the couch he could see how wasn’t by much, but the quilt was moving because of the body under it. Daryl was still sleeping when Rick got close enough, but if he was getting any rest, Rick couldn't tell. He was twisting and twitching in his sleep, breathing alternating between heavy heaves and sharp gasps.

“Daryl.” Rick whispered, then, repeated his name with more volume, trying to pull him out of whatever he was dreaming.  He nudged the guys shoulder and the body threw a brief fit, violently twisting away from the touch.

“Daryl.” He said again, now this time it did manage to pull him awake, sitting up so fast Rick had to pull back. He flashed back to the hospital, the same look of viciousness in Daryl's eyes but it faded as fast as it had been awoken this time. Daryl's chest was moving violently, breathing like he had run for miles with no stops and the dim light indicated the moist texture on his skin, sweaty and warm.

“Hey, just a dream.” Daryl looked at him, trying to decide if Rick was real or not, a threat or not. The sound of Rick's voice shifting the gears inside his brain and his eyes searched for Rick's hands, he knew those hands, had seen them and felt them. Rick watched as Daryl reached out and made contact with the one closest to him, desperately nestling his fingers onto Rick's while attempting to get his breathing under control. Rick hurt, not from the grip but from seeing one looking so exhausted and just needing a break and knowing Daryl was refused the chance to catch his breath.

The contact of skin to skin, the simple gesture connecting them, Rick felt his fingers responding to Daryl's, it wasn't weird, they needed it and they would take it. He squeezed the sore knuckles lightly, moving touches to constantly bring Daryl back to the real world as if he was constantly slipping, he wanted to help but felt chains holding back his ability to do so. They could only wait for the hospital to call, what else was there? Rick looked at their hands connected, one small touch to ground them and he decided.

“Comon.” He said, giving Daryl's hand a gentle tug and grabbing his spare pillow with the other. Daryl had nothing to fight him on, looked like he wanted to give in to the kindness and affection Rick had to offer. Rick knew Daryl wouldn't allow this at any other time but tonight he could excuse himself, tonight there was no more energy to fight and so when Rick led him into the bedroom, he followed and Rick sat him down on the edge before using the connection they had to steer his body down. Rick didn't bother to even think about what he was doing, it felt like what Daryl needed right now and hell, maybe he needed it too.

Without disconnecting himself to Daryl, Rick lay down behind him, feeling the body tense at the unknown of the situation at having someone behind him. Tensed like he was waiting for the moment everything went to shit and for Rick to stab him in the back. But Rick just moved in closer, resting his and Daryl's arm low on his hip, still somewhere in his mind aware of the bruised area and avoiding it in the process. His fingers lay tangled with Daryl's and he folded them around in a secure grip. Could almost hear the loud voices from Daryl's brain screaming “ _this is wrong, get out”_ that were being smothered, he never fully relaxed but the voices got locked away with the grip holding and never releasing. Lock clicking shut, the rustles of keys being put away. They fell slowly, succumbed to sleep.


	8. Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up with another source of body heat, now that was something he had missed.

It was warm. The first electrical pulse of his brain's language was the heat connecting to his mind as his was waking up. The apartment temperature was rising high enough to exhaust which was not really something rare during the natural Georgia summer, despite having the AC running on full power. But that was a different kind of warm, different from the one speaking to him in that moment because the ever tapping sounds of water on the window suggested it had started raining some time during the night  and that left him more sure that the overall room temperature wasn't it what his brain was talking about. It would make the air humid, thick in the initial stage of collision with the heat but it would also start cooling down. Now when his limbs re-attached to his consciousness he felt how they connected with others, his nose pulling in the scent of his own soap but with a different kind of musk to it. The skin of his face tickling when tips of hair brushed on it every time he adjusted his position and how the scar on his side rustled with a tingling residue of some kind.

He found himself snuggled up against a man's body and was slowly starting to remember how it all had happened. The hospital, the malice, the confusion, the hurt and then there was only exhaustion. Now he was listening to the slow breathing of the other man, feeling how the sheets shifted the chest moved with every breath and even if he felt content and well rested, he knew he should probably move away. Only thing was, Rick remembered holding onto Daryl's hand and noticed that sometime during the night they had swapped. Daryl's calloused and worked to the bone fingers were loosely locked between and around Rick's, the flat of his hand against Rick's back and he just didn't have the heart to move.

It was completely different from sleeping next to Lori. She was mild in body temperature and had been slim. Daryl was warm like a furnace, prominent with the mass of his body compared to her and he could feel how the t-shirt was sticking to his skin, not soaked but definitely moist with sweat because he was sleeping with clothes on during the summer. At least the t-shirt and boxers, which left Rick to realize his leg had scooted up between Daryl's, instantly making it awkward and cursing his brain because how is that the last thing he notices after waking up? Shouldn't his brain have prioritized this intimate close quarter cuddling with a leg where it was not supposed to be? He did feel really rested though, like he had slept like the dead and he hadn't been woken up by Daryl so he hadn't had another bad dream but his leg in between there couldn't possibly have anything to do with Rick sleeping like a baby. _Junk on my thigh. Got a dude's junk on my thigh._ Really, warmth, the tickling tips of hair, the smell making him take an extra breath just to filter it through his nose, that was what had apparently been the focus of his brain, beating the _what the_ fuck of having his leg shoved between Daryl's, clearly that should have been prioritized. It had been too long since Lori, definitely.

Maybe he had broadcasted it out loud, but he was pretty sure it had only been his brain starting a Thursday morning crisis without sending the thoughts through the lips. But Daryl shifted and the hands disconnected, it left a tiny void within Rick but at least he could pull his leg out and start repressing the memory of it ever happening. While Daryl burrowed into his pillow by using his free hand to twist his shoulder and shove the limb under it, Rick started to sit up, becoming more and more awake which meant his needs started screaming for coffee and something for his belly to digest. One glance at the mop of hair so messy he could barely see the face under it, he decided he would try to sneak out and let Daryl wake up by his own clock.

Rick tried to walk as silently as he could after pulling on a pair of track pants rather than his uniform and when Judith woke up to see her daddy awake he had to almost throw himself over to the crib before she started babbling. Rick would be sure his stealth skills were definitely increasing after this morning, but he got what he needed, a t-shirt, phone and his girl before pushing the door open just enough so he could slip out before making his way to the kitchen. His timing couldn't have been better, had he stayed in bed a minute longer enjoying the skin against skin, the phone would have rang, meaning possible chaos, possible. Juggling grabbing Judith her purée, this time flavored banana and apple, feeding her and getting the coffee brewing, he managed to answer the phone and if only he could have put it to speaker his life would have been much easier but that was a no go. So he had to drop a thing or two and prioritize, he decided to sacrifice the coffee urgency and settled for making it later.

While he was feeding Judith the hospital explained that Merle had come out of surgery alright and was now under observation, most likely he would be moved during the afternoon. Still if family wanted to make a short visit, it would be allowed. It was good news and Rick didn't even want to imagine having to explain to Daryl, had it been bad news. He thanked the hospital for the update and gave Judith a puzzle toy to entertain her ever growing curious mind, then instructed the hospital to call if there were any changes and notified them that possibly a family member would come by. After taking care of what had been most important there was no way he wasn't getting to the coffee, he had already managed to fill the water up so now with the phone down he could grab a fresh filter and start measuring, adding an extra scoop to get the taste a bit stronger, mainly because he liked it that way but also to purge the station coffee on a daily basis.

The smell of coffee was always like a blitz attack. When the machinery started brewing it needed some time before it could pick up the speed, at least his machine. The smell would be non-existing until all of a sudden it was all over the apartment. During the slow calm before the coffee storm, Rick could start feeling the awkwardness of having pressed so close to another man during sleep and okay, had he known he wouldn't have done it, but he hadn't and his brain had apparently lit the green light to snuggle up a leg in between another dude's. Not to mention they had been spooning throughout the night, it had been a way of comfort for them as they had gone to bed yes but they should have rolled to one side each as soon as sleep took them but nope, didn't happen. Rick wasn't proud about his accidental leg but Daryl was asleep so he would never know, Rick hoped. If he just acted normal and shut his brain off he should be fine. Rick turned his brain off.

Daryl was awake roughly 30 minutes after Rick had gotten up and Rick startled as he suddenly appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, Rick may have turned his brain off but he should have heard the guy. What was he, made of air or something? Rick tried to no choke on the coffee he had just been about to swallow down, his second cup after getting called multiple times by Carol. Of course she had been working and heard about the incident, people talked and any other person wouldn't have worried about it but she knew Merle and Daryl, Rick had been overwhelmed by questions and worries until he finally got Carol to listen to him so he could explain what he knew and tell her that Daryl was fine.

Now they exchanged a morning greeting after a pause which clearly said that yes, it was awkward. But if it was the leg or just the fact that they had slept close together he didn’t know. Rick quickly tried to dismiss the mood by taking the pot.

"Coffee?" He asked and Daryl looked to the side toward the door as if he was considering making a run for it. Rick hoped he wouldn't since it would make things difficult for him, so he opened the cupboard and pulled a second mug out which he filled up, not leaving Daryl any real options when he offered it to him.

"Door is still going to be there later, not to mention you're coming with me to the station remember?" He nudged the mug an additional inch and Daryl chose option A) stay. He padded soundlessly across the floor and took the mug, not really looking like he wanted to sit down and that was fine. Rick was leaning with his hip against the stove while fiddling with a notebook on the countertop, chancing a glance he could see Daryl's hair was still a mess but at least he looked less dead and more like an everyday person. Well except he was far from an everyday person down to the core. Rick noted his high cheekbones, raised below the bruising and swelling, the stormy blue color oh his eyes hidden by brown bangs, which suited him perfectly, ruggish yes but still looking somewhat refined. He and Merle looked nothing alike, if he was to be honest, only sharing the same cop hostility, swearing capabilities and though Merle strutted proudly Daryl's gait was reserved, a little bit of casual but also always ready. But didn't do much for him to appreciate the delicate features of Daryl and the visual differences he had to his brother, so he quickly excused his staring by pretending to be checking out the cuts.

"Carol called." Rick said and Daryl's grip closed in on the thick mug, biting at the inside of his lip and tossing his eyes against the floor.

"Told her not to worry, right?" He the continued, confirming there really wasn't anything to worry about. It was a mean card to play but the moment needed it, even if Daryl would just brush him off again. Not to mention he had a feeling Daryl wouldn't want her to go out of her way for them, Rick thought the world unfair to have Daryl believe his actions were nothing but something he did and for him to believe he didn't need or deserve anything in return, which seemed to be the case.

"Thanks." Daryl quietly voiced before sipping at the hot coffee. Rick hummed and continued to scribble on his shopping and to-do list.

"Fer ye kno' helpin'." Rick thought that he may have started to see a pattern, Daryl talked to those he wanted to and when he had something to say, only exception was when he was pissed off. Rick pondered about the way he said it, the guilt showing through on his face and how his fingers restlessly re-adjusting on the mug without ever stopping, except when to drink. Rick saw it, truly understood after some thought on it. Daryl was grateful Rick had stopped him from hurting anyone else. He had probably feared losing control.

"and the.." Daryl continued and nudged his head toward the bedroom. Rick flushed for a second before containing himself convincing himself that Daryl was talking about the bad dream and Rick helping him, nothing else.

"And thank you for trusting me enough to let me." Rick replied, still feeling some heat to his cheeks but it would fade. He saw Daryl's eyes slip over to Rick's hands to watch them for a while and during his observation  his own hands had stopped moving on the mug. As soon as he pulled his gaze away they started up again, fiddling and turning the mug every now and then.

"Didn' hav'ta." He then said, as if he deserved what could have happened and yes, though that may have been true, taking responsibility for your actions and all, Rick had already become involved and not only was he still mentally tempted to keep at it but Daryl had been making a life for him and Merle for quite some time, but he also felt like he wanted to protect that. So he didn't deserve it.

"But I wanted to." He ended the topic and Daryl didn't say anything to it.

"How are you feeling otherwise, injuries and all?" Rick diverted the topic attention and Daryl shrugged, not voicing any type of level of pain. Rick didn't think this guy would easily admit to it either, considering how stubborn he was, like not wanting or needing Carol to worry though Rick knew she would anyway and Daryl couldn't get away with it.

"'n move alright." Rick called the bullshit but didn't bother with it. If he could move, pee and drink coffee that was enough for him to not suspect he may topple over and end up rushed to the hospital bed by bed with his brother.

"I want to clean the cuts once more before we go." He explained, giving Daryl time to accept it, he started to protest but Rick cut him off.

"Not up for discussion." Then he left the pad on the countertop and went to pick up his daughter to tickle her to a high pitched giggle fit. Leaving Daryl with no war to fight, not that he would let Daryl win even if he did get one. He brought her with him to the bathroom and was telling her all about what he was doing, like how the dryer worked after he had loaded the wet and clean clothes into it because he needed it done before he forgot about it. Talking about what buttons to press and how long the programs took to finish, she tried to repeat the beeping sound when Rick was clicking on the settings and soon enough it was all rumbling and tumbling round and round. Judith seemed really happy about the process. She wouldn't learn any of it but that wasn't the point. She loved the talking, even if she couldn’t understand some keys in words and combinations could be picked up later on. Feeling his stomach growl he decided to get back and make some breakfast, even force some into Daryl because if Rick was hungry by now there was no way Daryl wasn’t. So he lifted Judith and asked if he should make sandwiches, scrambled or porridge, she squeeled at scrambled.

 

Daryl was still awkwardly standing right where Rick had left him with his focus on the coffee but it didn't go unnoticed that the guy immediately started tracking Rick's presence nearby him. Judith tried to reach out and grab at Daryl when he passed him, making Rick chuckle that she seemed to maybe actually remember him, maybe she was even a bit infatuated with him by the way she sulked when she couldn't get anything in her hands. Rick turned a half circle and looked from his girl to Daryl, raising his eyebrows in a question if the guy would like to entertain his daughter. This earned an uncertain look on Daryl's face, eyebrows creasing together and he pulled he mug closer to himself as if he was too busy drinking coffee but Rick knew figured he just didn't know what to do with the kid, or thought Rick was crazy to trust him with his daughter. Which one didn't matter to Rick really, he knew the guy had already given her a nickname from what Carl said and so he trusted that Daryl had some faith in at least the younger versions of humans.

"Looks like you're going to have to manage sweetie." He said and tried to hold back her incoming fuss by bouncing her lightly on his hip. He held her while he was picking out the ingredients for scrambled eggs, which wasn't that many and he continued to tell her what she was doing, could feel Daryl staring at them all through it but always shifted his eyes to his coffee whenever Rick cast a look in his direction. She was put back in her high chair with the puzzle when the butter in the pan started sizzling because mixing the eggs and frying the mix wouldn't be optimal with a baby on his hip, for either of them. After a quick fresh-up stir in the mix he emptied the contents of the bowl into the frying pan and could hear how the third party stomach gave a grumble in response. Well, he had called it.

"Why don't you have a seat." He suggested with a friendly tone and noted how Daryl tensed up at being spoken to, shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Maybe he had forgotten Rick knew he was there, maybe he had even forgotten a bit of himself being in the most currently and actual moment.

"'s fine." He tried to excuse himself. Rick stirred the mix with the spatula one smooth circle to detach the mix to the bottom of the pan before he let the handle rest on the edge of it. He grabbed the coffee pot and held it toward Daryl in case he wanted a refill, the mug was held out in response and Rick couldn't say if Daryl wanted more or if it was just pure reaction. Still he gave the man a refill, thought that even if Daryl had used the coffee as an excuse for his focus when Rick had first come back to the kitchen, it had been empty and not a valid one. But hey, if it worked for him who was Rick to argue, one empty mug could surely be super interesting.

The eggs started coming together fairly fast, bubbling and crumbling together as he stirred them around. He judged the eggs to be ready within a short moment after the pieces has lumped up enough for him to split then down and he grabbed two plates. Even if he was sure Daryl would argue, he had clearly made enough eggs for the two of them and now taking down a second plate would give Daryl less juice to his boost his refusal. He stirred one last time, refilled his own mug and had a sip before he divided the eggs on the two plates.

"Here." He said and shoved the plate toward Daryl and surely as Rick had deducted with his amazing cop skills Daryl initiated the process of declining.

"Man I heard your stomach, you probably haven't eaten anything since maybe dinner time yesterday, I would know since you've been here." He said, clearly stating facts, well one guess but the rest he knew and nudged the plate some more in Daryl’s direction.

"Don' hafta Curly." Daryl crudely said and just stared at Rick, this guy couldn't possibly do anything other than stare at people Rick thought. But then again he had seen him at the Greene farm, now that had been something different, calm and almost sweet as he was busy talking to Carl. Maybe Rick just was a frown magnet because he was a cop, any excuse to not make it personal right. Carol had said something about it, how he was probably respected as a man outside his profession but Rick was having some doubts and a hard time.

"’sides." He started adding but Rick shut him up with one look of knowing there would be another excuse.

"If you dare say you _'aint hungry'_ I'll go get Judith and have her slobber baby drool enough for two weeks on you." Wait, did he also have a daddy stern voice? Rick guessed he did now. Holding firmly onto his threat by maintaining what little eye contact he could, Daryl finally snatched the plate, obviously annoyed. Both of them knew though, it would be easy to refuse if he really wanted to, all he had to do was put the plate down and leave but Rick kept on betting on Daryl not leaving him in that position.

"Great." Rick said with a tiny sigh. If it was great that Daryl took the plate or the way he did it with annoyance, well let that remain hidden. He took his own, grabbed his mug and motioned for Daryl to follow him to the table. Now looking at the messy puzzle there may have been some truth to Rick's threat and he caught Daryl watching it with a worried look, like he realized that Rick could really have meant it. Rick on the other hand was looking for the right moment to tell Daryl he had talked to the hospital, at least he wanted the guy relaxed and fed, who knew if he would eat anything or even stick around when he got the news? So Rick had held back on the information. What stumped him was that when Daryl, wait when had he even had time to clean the plate? Rick looked at it, all empty as Daryl wiped of any leftovers around his mouth with the back of his hand, which is why he was even more caught by surprise when Daryl spoke. The guy was a serious mind reader and it was messing with Rick.  
"Hospital." He started but seemed to collect what he wanted to say before actually doing it. True to his theory Daryl was taking his time again, so he wasn’t really pissed off. Rick would fear the day Daryl was pissed and taking his time simultaneously because he wouldn’t know what to do when he lost what little he had to go on.

"Whaddey say?" He asked, not looking up from his plate and Rick didn't blame him. So when Rick had spent the morning believing he had been all stealth-like and would have a new record number on it, his talk with the hospital hadn't gone unnoticed. It made him think of the morning at the station and once again in the difference of these two brothers. Merle had been snoring away oblivious to the noise and chatter around him, out like a light where as Daryl seemed to have a talent for lingering on the brink of alert. If it hadn't been for the this morning Rick would guess the guy didn't really fully allow himself to sleep which could in one way explain the frequent dark circles under his eyes. At least he knew Daryl could be comfortable with his surroundings, maybe Rick even dared to think that Daryl, having slept soundly when they had shared his bed, found some kind for comfort at Rick's presence. Or maybe that was wishful thinking and Rick just found his train of thought just a small amount of weird. He could have just been so exhausted he had no choice but to sleep like the dead. Or he hadn't slept as good as Rick thought and knew all about the morning. Rick felt rested though and he settled for just being happy to help the guy out if that had been the case, further repressing any thoughts. The dude could use a break and other than that there was nothing else behind the curtains, Rick had just been tired, found a solution to the problem without even thinking and besides, it had already happened so there was no going back now.

"He's out of surgery, they moved him for observation and later today I think you can visit him if you want." Rick carefully explained, watching a strained breath Daryl had been holding, evaporate and as his body relaxed some more, thanks to the somewhat good news he probably hadn't been expecting, he had also perked up his head. But there wasn't anything like a show of relief washing over him, rather he looked passive like he'd entered a stage of numbness to aid him while he was collecting himself. Rick knew the situation had been intense, but to go as far as Daryl already almost accepting that Merle wouldn't have made it had Rick's chest sink.

"Mmhm." He didn't seem to be able to produce anything other than the sound, but Rick saw it for what it was, knew that if Daryl could, he would want to visit Merle and Rick was not about to deny him that. Maybe Rick could pull some strings? Again, happy to help the guy that was it. But Rick also lingered with worry, considering what had been said yesterday, specifically that Merle had retaliated by the sound of it. He could speculate if he wanted to, hell he couldn't really stop himself, not only Daryl accepting that Merle was already dead before he even knew for sure but if his actions had been grave enough, he would end up locked away so wouldn't that make Daryl lose his brother either way? It made sense, seeing how Daryl seemed to have already started mourning his loss despite trying not to.

"Then I'll make sure you get to see him." He said. Daryl had already said he was going to lose him the other day, in the heat of the moment Rick knew he had passed it off as desperation from Daryl being cornered but now he knew better, he hoped but it wasn't desperation, maybe some of it but Daryl knew what kind of consequences that were involved.

Judith as being a masterful little schemer squealed, gaining the attention of the two other members of the table and managing to break off the building tension? Rick didn't think he would call it tension but way to go girl anyway, she had tossed a piece of the puzzle, bouncing off on Daryl's chest and Rick just couldn't hold back a short smothered laugh at how the tiny little puzzle piece had startled Daryl and washing confusion over his entire being. He instantly took offense to the laugh.

"Fuck you Curly and fuck you mini Curly." He aimed them individually with a bark to it but no real bite. Rick desperately for the sake of Daryl's integrity tried to smother his bubbling laughter, while Judith was happily gurgling and clapping her hands in an uncoordinated manner in the success of making her daddy laugh.

"Mini curly huh, I thought she was little Asskicker." Maybe he should have minded the swearing in front of his daughter but the chances of her remembering the word were slim to none, but he would add it to his mental note to ask for Daryl to refrain himself in the.. wait, no Rick wasn't assuming there would be much of a future between them, he had just reached a somewhat thin icy layer of trust that could break at any point, but he did have to admit he enjoyed the guys company and maybe a friendship with him wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have so much to think about right now. Then the nickname, it was supposed to be offensive but Rick started feeling pretty attached to it, like it marked what little bond the two of them had going and even if Daryl threw it at him like pest, well, Rick enjoyed the innocence of moments like these. He would say there was a difference to how he used the Curly ammo, up until now it had mainly been a hostile nickname to ask Rick to, not so kindly, fuck all the way off the earth. Now it had been used to try and dismiss himself from the center of attention, not that his daughter was having any of it.

"Both ain't she." Daryl added and emptied the mug of coffee clearly looking for an out and fine, though Rick could enjoy this bantering if they had the time to, he would let it slide.

"Clothes will be done in a little more than an hour, gives us good time to clean those cuts." Rick said, it was a lot of time to pass with someone so out of place in an apartment, Rick wouldn’t be surprised to see Daryl growing almost claustrofobic and pacing if he was left to his own thoughts. Daryl in response just grabbed his plate, then snatched Rick's and sourly went to the sink to spray water over them. Rick laughed on the inside, force washing the dishes, really? Well that was one way to thank him for the breakfast, also one way to try and avoid the prodding and checking up, seeing how he had instantly tried to retreat with dishes as an excuse when Rick mentioned it.  

"Not up for discussion remember, scrub them all you want it's still going to happen."

 

Daryl did in fact scrub for longer than necessary and he still did not get out of getting tended to. Stubbornly he had sat down on the toilet again, Rick having earned himself two more _"fuck you Curly"'s_ to the point leading here and noted that Daryl had never actually called him by his name.

He repeated the procedure, for someone who had been banged up and swollen the day before, it was flattening out fast, even around the cheekbones but he guessed the swelling had gotten puffy during the sleep and now after some time awake it had gone down faster than before, to a point where Rick was kind of amazed by it. It did not make much on the colors though, cleaning the cuts and patching them back up he had to force Daryl just like he had to the night before, to raise the hem of his shirt. Without all the dirt on his skin Rick worried he hadn't been hard enough on Daryl, seeing how the color was so much worse than he had thought. When Rick frowned at the sight Daryl pulled the hem down and Rick knew he wouldn't get him to raise it again without trying to manhandle the guy. But then again, he couldn't do anything about the bruising.

"Happened at the fight?" He tried to ask and Daryl shrugged like it didn't matter, but as Rick knew it did.

"I'm going to know later anyway, you know, the station, statements, helping your brother because maybe if what little I heard yesterday is true he's going to need it." Okay, so he managed to keep his mouth somewhat shut at least throughout the breakfast. Now he had a fist in his t-shirt and those stormy blue's staring murder into him and Rick wouldn't deny he felt a fear for his life.

"y'don' kno nothin'." Rick could almost feel the heat of his breath, the anger that vibrated in his grip. Rick was rarely anything but honest, hell, Rick thought they had something in common there so of course sooner or later he would say something that Daryl didn't want to hear, not that he had meant it to be offensive. Had it been weeks ago he knew for a fact that he would have been floored already due to the lack of their current misshapen relationship, knowing for sure that those arms would definitely knock him unconscious. Rick may be agile and in shape to counter some, but Daryl definitely had more muscle mass.

He could count this as progress, a view on built in kindness mixing dangerously with aggression that was hard to let go, kindness he was allowed to receive. Rick did the only thing he could do and raised his hand to let his fingers gently circle around the hand on his t-shirt because just like the bathroom at the hospital, the eyeful glance in the kitchen, this was their communication now.

At the touch Daryl stilled somewhat and his head fell, he received the message, that Rick didn't mean to call out Merle like he knew something he didn't and that he was serious about Merle in the end. He may not be the biggest fan of the guy, but he had found the respect he needed. Merle may be trash in the eyes of King County but the way he had loved his brother that one moment, well even someone like Merle had gotten a new light on him. Daryl's fingers were more trebling than firm when he started releasing the shirt and when the hands fell Rick's followed, they didn't let go and it should have been awkward for the two of them to stand there again, hands clutching but there was nothing like that, not even in one fiber. Clutched and firm, trembling and embracing, like the one hand and the other together held the grip which kept them in this world.

"Alright." Daryl said quietly. "yea." and Rick had almost forgotten what that was aimed at but searching his memories he finally knew. He had answered the question Rick had asked.

"And Merle?" He then asked and Daryl started explaining, with time in between the sentences to really think about what he was saying before he did it. He explained how they had been passing by Joe's after work, that some old dealer or something that Merle had known showed up, one which his brother hadn't really ended things with in a proper way leaving them far from being friends. Usually, it was just a quick fight to settle dick size in the shady work community Merle used to be in, Daryl had said. But this time a knife and pipe had been involved, if it hadn't been for his brother Daryl said that he would have been the one at the hospital, didn't change that Merle had pulled the knife from his own body and countered because Merle still had a damn stab wound. Daryl had snorted at Merle's stupidity, saying he was one tough son of a bitch but he looked guilt ridden that he was here and Merle wasn't, that he should have been the one when it had been him it was aimed at. Either way Daryl had said, Merle was going back to prison again, he knew that, didn't matter if it was self defense or to save his brother, it wouldn't stick to someone like Merle, the law was never on their side like that and Rick felt bad, bad about the fact that the system that he devoted his life to could lose someone so far as to not have an ounce of faith in it.  Saying otherwise wouldn't help, wouldn't reach either because there was no way Rick could promise anything because no one knew what would happen. It wouldn't change anything either and it shouldn't be a surprise that the Dixon's didn't have faith in the system by the way they hated everything about it, didn't make Rick feel any better about them not having it, but Rick vowed to himself he would try to see if there was at least something he could do.

 

Feeling satisfied about the much needed talk which left Daryl in a sour mood, which kindly reminded him of Carol telling him she was sure Rick was not Daryl's favorite person. It should be less true now, he hoped. But he was able to speculate the risk of the possibility that all of it could be reverting back to that start point if everything went to shit, still there was a chance the opposite could be true too. Even despite it all, since last night, Rick didn't think they were exactly close, but they were something. Daryl had pulled away after the chat, made his escape to the balcony with a pack of smokes despite the rain. The dude must have smoked half his pack, probably because he didn't want to be inside the apartment but felt obligated to stick around since he had more or less promised. A man of his words, honest, decent or he just felt like he owed Rick.

Rick had taken Judith and settled down on the sofa, letting an animated kids show play on the TV which neither of the two really focused on. Instead he was talking to her, bouncing her, letting her gurgle and giggle. At some point he even laid down and pulled the air plane on her, his unconscious registering the musk from the blanket and sheet that still covered the sofa, the pine was fading from the scent but it was still close to earthy and a with less prominent pine it was overall woods and outdoor life. This unconscious intake was nothing really, nothing more than a straight god damn reminder of his nose nestled up in the guys hair that he wasn't even aware of before the memory came as a shock. Rick couldn't connect the sofa and scent being the reason why the memory had been triggered but his body did and he sat up, interrupting Judith's beloved flight so she started fussing and he started apologizing to her and got up to walk her around the living room, happy for the distraction the provided.

The smell of smoke lightly traveled inside when the balcony doors had opened and closed. It wasn't the typical strong scent of smoke being burned at that moment, it was that lingering residue he would now start associating with Daryl, or at least there was a big risk of him doing so. But at least he could relax because Daryl had finally decided to come back inside, even if he didn't do more than go to the kitchen, dry the plates he washed before and started putting them back into the somewhat right places. Rick remembered thinking he assumed this guy’s kitchen would be messy, but seeing him being particular with Rick's plates and glasses, maybe he had it all wrong. Well, it wasn't spotless either, Carol had said she scrubbed it, but Carol was also a neat freak from time to time so there was that. In the end he decided that he wouldn't assume until he saw it, wait that was also wrong, why was he suddenly going to Daryl's place just so he can confirm if he A) Keeps a tidy kitchen or B) Is a slob.   _“Nerves brother, you shut them down because you have to."_ Yes, thank you Shane.

 

Speaking of Shane, well fuck, that was another problem to be dealt with because his best friend and partner was involved in the Dixon incident at the hospital and had just been asked to trust Rick. Carrying Judith around to calm her down since she was still fussing and Rick had been too busy to not think of smells or bangs or heat, he could feel the stress brewing when the phone started ringing again. First the hospital he had been expecting that, then Carol and now? He shifted Judith so he could reach into his back pocket and right, Shane. Of course it was Shane who was calling. Everyone had fucking perfect timing today. He felt like he would be busted the second he answered the call, as if his best friend would just know he had taken Daryl to his place instead, but he couldn’t ignore the call, so he pressed receive and put the phone to his ear.

 _“Rick, man you need to come and get me.”_ Shane’s voice sounded annoyed.

“What’s wrong man?” He replied, frowning at the tone of Shane’s voice, it was the kind that said he wanted Rick to drop what he was doing and help him out ASAP.

 _“Can’t believe my luck man, my car up and died on me, I’m stuck out here, 20 min off to the station at the Kingdom block, could you come and get me, we got that whole Dixon shit that need taking care of.”_ Right, Shane thought Daryl was at the station most likely, that Rick had dropped him off there.

“What happened to the car?” He asked instead, earning himself an “ _oh man really?”_

 _“It wouldn’t start after I stopped for coffee and some breakfast. Know jack shit about cars so I’m standing here with the hood up looking like a retard Rick.”_ Rick allowed him a small teasing smile Shane would never know about.

 _“Dude it was just due for a check-up since it had been acting a bit weird like, rusty starts bad acceleration, eating a shit ton of gas too but I never got around to it Something must have broken in here.”_ Shane continued.

"Called for a tow?" Rick asked, I mean Rick was about as shit at cars as Shane was so calling shop to get the car was the best option really.

"No not yet, even if I do I still got to get to work and you know they'll be late, so I need you to pick me up so I can hide the keys and ditch the car while the truck gets here." Rick hummed while he made his way to the kitchen and put Judith back into her chair to play with the puzzle before asking Shane to hold on a second, then he lowered the phone and held his hand over the receiver.

“Engine dying after a stop, was due for a check-up because it had been acting weird but it never happened, rusty starts, bad acceleration and high consumption of fuel any thoughts?” He asked quietly, maybe it could be something easy even someone like Shane could fix, hell maybe even someone like Rick. He earned a glare and Rick knew exactly how to translate it.

“I’d be grateful. It’s not just free car consultation. How about we make it payment for that breakfast you didn't want because you weren't hungry.” He said and adding some light hearted teasing into it felt like a great idea at the start but he was having some doubts when Daryl took a moment to think before he replied. He had been a creepy mind reader lately, maybe he knew that it was Shane because if he did he would definitely refuse to help as long as it wasn't fatal. He wasn't a mind reader, not this time.

“Could be t’battery, would need t’jump ‘t. Wouldn't cause t'gas tho'” He finally said, okay a jump start he could manage if that was it, which Daryl didn't seem to think it was yet didn't rule it out just because.

“Check t’engine, top of’t, should be wires ‘n cylinders. T’ones with caps, pop’em an’ check t’plugs inside, could be gunky an’ kickin’ a fuss 'cus o'it.” He then continued and Rick relayed the message in his own words, making Daryl roll his eyes at the poor attempt at sounding knowledgeable about cars.

 _“Alright, shit, ye these ain’t looking pretty Rick, when did you get smart.”_ Rick could almost feel himself breaking out the cold sweat, right, this idea was stupid, since when did he just out and do stupid shit like this, right since Dixon and Rick’s new found big blossoming friendship, soon to be a crazy stalker for sure. Rick get a grip already.

“Don’t just rule me out like that, I may have some help.” He said, hinting at nothing and letting Shane assume he was googling it. Which was nowhere near what Shane assumed, apparently.

 _“If I didn’t know better I’d say you asked Dixon 'cus he's knows this shit, man you already at the station?”_ Rick didn’t respond, felt a cold chill run down his spine, maybe Shane knew. Shane didn’t.

 _“I’m just messing with you, would you come get me?”_ He continued on the phone and Rick got pulled back to his senses.

“Yeah. Hold for a second alright?” He lowered the phone again and once more held his hand over the receiver.

“Said they didn’t look pretty.” Rick explained and Daryl hummed as if in thought.

“Aint hard t’swap. Jus’gotta grab t’right ones.” Rick nodded, Daryl looked almost content at being distracted, to help with what he knew, an area in his comfort and Rick just felt bad because he couldn’t find the right place to tell him it was Shane they were helping out. These two had some kind of grudge, or at least Daryl had toward Shane and Shane to Merle.

“Alright, be there in a bit, going to fix the plugs so don't call a tow.” He said after putting the phone back to his ear. At least it had stopped raining.

_“Thanks man.”_

 

* * *

 

The morning had gotten cut short thanks to Shane’s call and much to Daryl’s discomfort about leaving the apartment in the clothes he had gotten to borrow from Rick, his own still in the dryer for another 50 minutes, he seemed to just want to think about something else. Rick had pulled out a spare baby seat from the closet and managed to attach it to the passenger side, leaving Daryl a free seat in the back which well, gave the whole car a weird cluster fuck of an image. Squad car, cop in uniform, baby in front and dude in the back, didn’t really look good but they had to make with what they had. Rick’s car was still at the station, yesterdays event’s having caused enough commotion it had just slipped his mind and even if it hadn’t, he had been in no position to go to the station and change his car. The chief would be annoyed but Rick ran a good record at the station so he probably wouldn't make a big deal about it.

When Rick had asked where they could pick up new plugs, Daryl asked what car it was, which Rick told him, then proceeded to say they had plenty of those plugs at the garage. Still struggling to find a moment to confess, they picked up the plugs with a short stop at Dale’s. Luckily they were spared the awkward glances seeing how it was a Saturday morning and no one would be at work, Rick had asked if Daryl’s boss would mind but the guy had just shook his head and said he would sort it out.

Daryl had been in and out in less than five minutes, turning the alarm back on and locking up again after him. Now the town and every cop may resent the Dixon’s but here Daryl was, key and code to the garage so he had access during the weekends, making Rick feel all giddy in his stomach that he was in fact someone an owner trusted enough to have that access. Few people did and Rick counted himself lucky to know that there was more to Daryl than everyone said. The town called the Dixon’s dirty and violent rednecks, Shane called them that too, Daryl he had said specifically was creepy and quiet, like a snake almost and that he just didn’t know where he had the guy and that unsettled him. Rick thought he may have been pulled into some of that thinking before he even knew anything about the man, but he hadn't seen what the whole creepy thing was about and he had only needed to meet him once. The guy just thought through what he wanted to say and he selected the people he wanted to talk to. Probably it just put Shane off that he couldn't over socialize someone since he was a natural chatterbox. So many were robbed of the true sight of this man, refused to see it and just labeled him as a cursed Dixon and Daryl didn’t stop them, not did he seem keen on letting people see him for who he was, all to set in a pattern down to his core, like he didn’t need anyone. And maybe he didn’t, didn’t need Carol, didn’t need Sophia and didn’t need Rick either.

No, Daryl definitely didn’t need Rick, judging by the look on his face when Rick finally confessed it was Shane’s car that needed help. Had the car not been moving in high speed which would be fatal if you attempted to escape by throwing yourself out of the door and was already on its way to its destination, he almost thought Daryl would take his chances and jump out of the car. Rick tried to convince him it was just going to be quick, swap the plugs and they didn’t even have to be in the same car together, hell he could stand 300ft away as long as he gave Rick the instructions he needed. Rick must have sounded real desperate for Daryl to give up on his escape and given Rick a venomous _whatever_. Not only did Rick have to deal with the instant backfire from inside the car, he knew he would have to worry about the coming backfire which would be from Shane. Knowing he would have to keep the two at some distance, preferably remove any tool that could be used as a weapon because the feeling in his gut, the one close to dread, well, Rick trusted his gut and that meant yes, caution was probably a good idea even if he hoped they wouldn't go at the first thing they had in sight to bash each other with, or at Daryl at least.

As they arrived at Kingdom Block and found Shane, the big smile at seeing his best friend to his aid died as soon as Daryl got out of the car. A _“what the fuck Rick”_ was not even attempted to be held back and it continued with a bunch of _what the hell are you thinking, what the fuck is he doing here, why ain’t he at the station already._ Rick did his utmost best to try and keep Shane calm, reminding him that he had taken Rick up on trusting him, something that didn’t seem to matter at this point. Daryl had been awkwardly on edge next to the car, spark plugs in his hand.

“I brought him over to my place okay, Shane listen..” But Shane didn’t listen, he seemed to burst up at the mention of Rick bringing Daryl to his place.

“Rick what the fuck, you saw him yesterday and you brought him home, wait don’t tell me you brought him home when you had your kids there?” He asked, aggravated and nerves breaking. Rick sighed, hands on his hips for a second before he had to reach for Shane who was about to stomp of toward Daryl. Rick could feel the tension of muscles working themselves ready to react at it without even needing to look at Daryl, the last thing he needed was for them to jump into a fight.

“Shane! Listen to me, we’re all fine, stop being a judgmental prick alright.” Shane was breathing heavily enough for his nostrils to flare and when he looked at Rick, it took Rick by surprise. Rick’s response had not denied the presence of his kids in the apartment, even if had only been one kid.

“Man what if he went apeshit and hurt them, he’s a Dixon for christ sake, don’t care what you say they’re all the same, you may have thought otherwise but after yesterday you should know he’s just like Merle and maybe you never knew Will but that’s straight down to the DNA.” That’s where Shane crossed a line he didn't know about, before Rick even knew it Daryl was throwing a heavy knuckled bared fist connecting to Shane’s cheek. He had never even sensed or heard the guy move from the car which hadn't been a problem just a moment before, Daryl had just been gone until he wasn't. The tensed up body was brimming like overloaded lightning, much like he had at the hospital. Shane had stumbled back, toppled over a turn and was collecting himself propped on knee, clearly dizzy from the strength of the hit.

“Ye ain’t but a piece o’shit Walsh.” He bit out, Rick had to step in between, now he was clearly sure there was more to this grudge between them.

“Hey, hey, tell me what this is about already.” Rick tried to calm the situation, trying to catch Daryl’s eyes as they were staring past him toward Shane.

“Fucker assaulted Merle way’s back. Was pissed ‘cus of t’nose he broke a’one o’his arrests, some chick too. Merle's drunk, Walsh too, jumped ‘m as Merle ‘s takin’ a piss.” Daryl seemed to feel with his fist, closing and stretching the fingers as if he was itching to beat the shit of Shane, years of holding back, packing and building anger that was finally about to tip over the edge. Rick turned his head to look at Shane, he was an ass sometimes yes but this? Officer of the law he couldn’t possibly give in to such acts. But Shane’s face started changing to something closer to shame, confirming that it was actually true.

“Took ‘m brother months t’get good.” Daryl spit at the ground.

“Fuck.” Rick pulled a hand over his face, feeling the entire shit show of this history baring itself like a thick layer.

“Shit, Shane, shit Judith.” As if all things were going to fuck Rick over at the same time and there was no way he could manage all of them together, he grabbed Shane’s arm and pulled him up, not as gentle as he would have if the truth had not come out. Shane whined at the grip, Rick tossed Daryl a look to stay put, adding a please and that he would talk to Shane. He even feared Daryl was looking for a tire iron or something so he could finish the job but instead he just grabbed the spark plugs from the hood of the car and stalked off while Rick pulled Shane with him they passed each other uncomfortably.

At the car he stopped and opened the passenger side door to lift Judith out of her car seat, Shane seemed to crawl into himself, clearly that had not been his proudest moment in his life but he’d manage to push it down thinking the truth would never come out or no one would bother, hell maybe he even barely remembered it.

“You really beat Merle to a pulp because he broke your nose. You took action outside of work for something that happened during it, acting on a grudge, what the fuck, that’s now what we do man.” Rick glared at Shane. He didn’t even try to deny it.

“I was wasted Rick, it happened before I knew it, Merle had slept with Andrea too, pissed me off even if we weren't together, I’m sorry brother I know it’s not what we do but it’s not like they would care, they get beat every damn day, was just another day for all of us.” Shane pleaded with Rick, to be honest he did look sorry but that was to Rick, so in the end he pleaded to the wrong person, but Rick also doubted it would be well received if he tried to plead to Daryl.

“And you’re fucking judging them, Shane you don’t even know them.” Rick said, as if he knew, sure he knew more but he was also aware that what little he did know fell way too short for him to really say anything. But he knew for sure they had more loyalty than he’d seen in a lifetime and that was enough for him.

“And you do? You haven’t been here to see the shit they do Rick.” Great, now Shane tried to manipulate his point of view, tried to turn the entire thing, using his friendship so Rick would keel over and take his side. Rick shot him a warning look which shut Shane up even if Rick was holding a baby in his arms, managing to keep her calm and not cry, way to go daddy’s little girl. Rick looked fierce.

“Maybe that’s exactly why I can see it differently, why you’re stuck in only seeing how it’s always been. How everyone needs it to be. They’re not perfect I know that Shane, but you believe they can’t be anything but flawed, I believe it’s not too late for them.” Rick didn’t look, but he pointed to Shane’s car, knowing, just knowing Daryl was already at work replacing Shane’s spark plugs. Shane followed the finger with his eyes. Then he looked back at Rick.

“Someone who hates your guts is fixing your car regardless. It’s more than you would be capable off.” Rick knew he was being hard on his friend, but he needed to be. To know Shane had abused the law, probably thinking that if it came down to it, no one would believe the Dixon’s and no one would care, so simply they hadn’t done anything except mend their wounds. It wouldn’t be enough to break their friendship, but it hurt, he knew it would take some time to forgive Shane, which reminded him that Daryl had grown on him enough for him to defend him against his best friend.

“Rick man I’m sorry alright.” He tried but Rick just passed Judith to him, making Shane shut up before he walked over to Shane’s car, making a point of keeping his posture in a manner that warned Shane that if he even took a step in their direction that’s it, Rick would leave him out there.

  
Daryl was on the third plug as Rick closed in to the car. The guy was still on edge so he stopped at a reasonable distance.

“Shane fucked up, not going to make excuses for him.” Rick said honestly, watching Daryl check the fourth plug, studied it like it was good enough but he switched it anyway.

“Last one.” He said, attempting  to divert the topic but Rick tried to insist.

“Daryl.” He said.

“Ain’t hearn’ it Curly.” Daryl successfully closed the topic down while he screwed the last plug into the cylinder and closed the cap. Out of habit he reached for his red rag which wasn’t in his back pocket, smudging the sweats just a bit before he pulled his hand back. Eyes scanned over the engine but he seemed to settle for the plugs being the only immediate fix required, so he leaned out and lowered the hood.

“Les’go, wanna see m’brother already.” He sourly said. A view of something, small and insignificant, but it had been there on Daryl, a slight turn of his head at the word when Rick replied.

“Alright.”


	9. Broken promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl finally gets to visit Merle and knows he may need to prepare for a life without his brother. Rick feels unsettled since the station but don't know what to make of it.

The station was stirring about in its calm mutter when they arrived there. A few raised eyebrows and questioning looks were passed in Rick’s direction but he decided to wave them off as nothing to see while bringing Daryl with him to his desk. Lucky for him, Chambler’s crush was on reception duty and happily took Judith to watch her while he and Daryl went through the proper procedure, the girl had no idea what kind of eyes Tara would make at her when she wasn’t looking. Not to mention everyone but Denise seemed to know the officer was gay and was completely infatuated with her. Rick found it amusing, cute even and brave of Tara, she didn’t take any bullshit when it came to the teasing about her favoritism of the lady gender. Shane had been right behind them, having gotten into his own car after it had gotten fixed back at Kingdom Block and followed them throughout the traffic, now at the station he had the decency to keep his distance so Rick had one less thing to think about among all the rest. Daryl hadn’t said a word during the entire car ride and it felt like what little progress Rick had with the man had been somewhat erased, well at least what little friendship he may have hoped to have been born between them. Best case scenario he was just still pissed about the entire thing and the not-friends situation between them was just temporary. Daryl was still there, following Rick and sat down in the same seat Carol had taken when she had been there after Sophia had gone missing, so there was that but Rick also knew he would do it for his brother even if he hated Rick.

It was hard to get the conversation going and Rick realized he had to start off with yes or no questions, earning grunts and nods, then after warming Daryl up he could ask more specific questions about the previous night. Daryl seemed annoyed considering he had already somewhat told Rick, back at Rick’s apartment. But Rick had to do the questioning out of protocol, a fact he continuously reminded Daryl of.  They went through the whole story once again, Rick noticing the moment Daryl would tell him about putting pressure on Merle’s wound before he did it because Daryl flicked his eyes to his hands, the faintest tremble vibrating through them and Rick resisted the urge to take hold of his hands to still them. That touch which seemed to turn the tides between them. It was hard, but he managed not to do it, the station was not exactly the best place to put on such a display.

After the ambulance had arrived and taken him and Merle to the hospital, Daryl explained how he had a hard time remembering what had happened between arriving and hearing Rick call his name. At that point Rick called Officer Adams over, he had eyed Daryl warily but after seeing the difference in the man from the hospital and the one sitting at Rick’s desk he had sat down and explained that Daryl had gone with the ambulance and had been doing alright, worried and worked up yes, but cooperating up to the point where they had to separate him from Merle to get him into surgery. That was the moment Daryl had completely changed, refusing to be removed from his brother’s side and the situation had spiraled out of control after that, until Rick and Shane had arrived as the back-up unit. Daryl didn’t remember snapping, but he tossed a quick sorry toward Adam’s, knowing some memories were fussy but connecting the dots of bruised skin as evidence and knowing he had caused that.

Rick was then pulled from his desk by his fellow officers but he grabbed Daryl a cup of coffee to keep himself busy with before joining his coworkers to be updated. As it seemed, the guy Merle had attacked wasn’t faring too well but they couldn’t know for sure yet, didn’t matter if he made it or not though, Merle would still get arrested, it was just that if he didn’t make it, the severity of the case would be worse than if he did. Rick asked them about self defense claim and they said that possibly the defense could pull it off, but they also warned Rick that with Merle’s history it wasn’t looking too good and no matter what he would most likely end up with some kind of prison sentence. It just wouldn’t be for murder so no life time. Rick felt like he was now the one pushed into a corner, somewhere he had known there was no getting out of it for Merle, self defense or not, but he had hoped, really hoped and prayed to a god he didn’t really believe in that there would be some kind of better opening for them. He knew he needed to call Michonne, if anyone could pull out the best defense for Merle then she would be it, get the sentence as low as possible. He would call her, would have written it down on the to-do list notebook he had in his kitchen if he was home, but he settled for a mental note.

When he sat back down at his desk he did it with a heavy body and he could tell by the look on Daryl’s face that he already knew what it looked like because he hadn't expected anything different. Daryl didn’t say anything he just maintained eye contact, probably the longest contact their eyes had held since Rick first met the guy and he brushed away an innocent thought that _this is not how I wanted the it to play out, this should have been different, meaningful._

“It looks like there’s going to be a sentence no matter what, I have a friend I’ll ask for Merle's defense, considering he protected you we can probably bump down the years.” He explained in heavy words, just as heavy as his chest felt, as heavy as his arms, legs and soul felt. He expected Daryl to kick up a fuss again, like he had at the hospital, like had at the station, like he would always do when it was his brother in trouble. But Daryl didn’t, he just zoned out all quiet, going through something Rick couldn’t read, he didn’t know this one. For the short amount of time they had known each other, so many times had they been able to read without seeing, they heard without listening, they just seemed to know what the other meant. But this, Rick didn’t know this, not with their eyes still locked but with Daryl clearly not seeing him. Rick didn’t know this and he didn’t like it one bit.

“Alright.” He replied finally after a painfully long quiet moment. Good? Rick wasn’t sure, but Daryl had accepted it for what it was he hoped, Rick felt unsettled but didn’t know how to get rid of this sinking feeling inside his chest. Daryl twitched his head in Rick's direction, decided to continue when Rick didn’t, he made for a pen and seemed to wait so he could sign whatever statement was on the paper, didn’t seem to want to look it through. Like he either trusted Rick enough for him to not pull any shit on the Dixon’s like any other cop would or he just didn’t care anymore. Rick reluctantly got the paper ready and scooted it over to him, he wouldn’t let Daryl sign on bullshit, he wouldn’t bullshit the statement either.

“They said witnesses confirm what you’ve said, so you’re not under arrest. I talked it down to a warning with Adam’s too, not that he's happy.” He explained when Daryl dropped the pen on the statement and pushed the paper back to Rick so he could file it. Then he obviously tried to run away by instructively pulling his pack of smokes out, the one he had emptied half of its content on Rick’s balcony and lifted the pack in his hands to let Rick know he was just going out for a smoke. File, hospital, call Michonne, Rick settled on his priorities, added avoid Shane like plague to let it hurt more than he should let it.

He carried his priorities out, but he had moved point Shane to the top of it, if he didn’t make it clear it wouldn’t stick with Shane, so he had to be a bit cruel. Passing by without any sort of acknowledgement toward his best friend, he filed the report and notified management before stopping by the reception and picking his daughter up before heading outside. Daryl seemed back to his normal grumpy self, but quickly tossed the smoke to the ground and killed the burning tip with his shoe when he had seen Rick was back with Judith.

“Ready?” He asked and received a nod in return.

 

* * *

 

It was no surprise that the hospital focused on them when they had arrived, Rick didn't think the looks could get more intense than the ones at the station but the hospital didn't forget. No the entire hospital knew when Daryl walked through the doors with Rick, like the word had spread like wildfire, but at least they quickly realized he wasn't out to kill anyone today and went back to their own jobs. Didn't mean they didn't keep their distance but Rick in uniform probably helped to ease their minds.

Rick checked them in at the head reception, then once more at the reception disk on the floor where Merle had been placed in an observation room. He shouldn't have been too surprised to see Carol waiting outside the room with the tag saying "Merle Dixon". When she saw them she quietly waited for them to walk up to her before she took a step toward Daryl only to be avoided and ignored. She didn't try to tell him to not be a baby, in fact she looked a bit hurt but knew better than to push, so she pulled herself back that step she had taken. Rick passed her a look, feeling sorry that she of all people was brushed off but she held it together, waved her hand dismissingly at Rick. He understood her though, the need to reach out, probably feeling like she owed him her life as much as she did Rick, he knew it must have been hard for her to hold back and let the man be but she did it anyway. But she knew what she could do even if she was being rejected, so she moved to the door, confirmed it with the guard stationed outside of it before she opened it to let Daryl in. The younger Dixon went and left Rick and Carol outside of the room, she pulled the door closed.

"You off your shift?" He asked her and she nodded. Rick greeted the guard just briefly, knew he had seen him around but they hadn't talked. But at least there would be no fuss, knowing Rick worked for the law. Carol turned to coo at Judith, making funny faces to get the girl to squeal, letting some of the tension drip off from her.

"Got off two hours ago actually, I couldn't bring myself to just leave him, I trust my coworkers but I just couldn't. Don't worry, the sitter is keeping an eye on Carl too but I didn’t tell them why I am staying late." She told him and it felt very much true to her nature, she wasn't one to abandon before and she wouldn't start now, even if Daryl wanted to pull away from her, Carol would remain loyal to him because she had decided he was worth it. Rick knew he thought so too.

"Yea I get that." He replied and glanced through the window of the room, Daryl placed at the side of the bed, close and tight so he could maybe talk to Merle, or just sit there. Rick was guessing on the latter to begin with, knowing Daryl would need time to find the words. He adjusted his hold on Judith, looking toward Carol to see if she wanted to hold his baby girl for a bit, Carol took her in a heartbeat, cradling her close to her chest as if the baby girl was the safest place on the earth.

"How is he?" Rick proceeded to ask and at least that question brought some relief to Carol's face, still worried and tense about the whole thing but like things would work out. Especially after Judith started reaching for her chin and she could pepper kisses to the small hands.

"He's pulling through, out of the worst observation time but not completely out of the woods yet. The stab wound had hit real bad, but he's tough." She said, almost a bit proud of Merle for being such a fighter, not something Rick would have expected. If anything he would have thought that yes, Carol cared, but only for Daryl's sake and though it seemed like Merle had been more involved with them during the last few weeks, Merle was also crude, loud and much like the life she had gotten away from, so if not for being Daryl's brother he shouldn't have meant anything other than her. Not that he ever heard about Merle abusing any women and kids, so there was that. But in the end he wasn't a man that Carol would have chosen to have around her, yet here she was, as if it wasn’t just for Daryl's sake and Rick was sure there were things Carol hadn't shared with him regarding her relationship with them.

"That's good, he's still in a bad spot with the law though, Daryl knows, I had to tell him." Carol nodded, but didn't like it one bit. Maybe Merle had a talent to weasel his way under people's skin, still getting under Carol's was not a feat easily made with her new formed iron defense. Not that Rick could ask her, he only knew what little she offered and mostly that was pieces of him and Sophia spending some time together with the others. She had been quick to point out that Daryl was still and always would be her daughter's number one and Carol would tell him the rest if she felt it was something important she needed to do, Rick respected the privacy of what they had between them too but thought maybe now she would.

"I know they've been apart before, but it probably won't be any easier." She said and Rick felt himself lacking knowledge Carol possessed. She must have seen it on his face because she continued.

"Oh just what went around town, you weren't living here at the time. Merle could disappear for a year, just up and vanished and he wasn't here when they first came." Rick felt the “aha” moment connect, Shane had told him this when he had pried before.

"Not too many black sheep's around you know? Everyone noticed if they were there or when they weren't, chaos or calm." She twisted her tone up a bit, her clear distaste on the town's view, which the family had brought on their own, but also her distaste because she had believed it too, until it all had changed.

"Right. Well, got a friend from my time in Atlanta I can call, she's a defense attorney, the one you refused? She's good too." That had Carol perk up slightly, maybe she had still been too stubborn to accept such extensions of help during the divorce but for Daryl she seemed to think it was a good thing.

"But he's still going to get time? If he's still in a bad spot." She asked and Rick nodded, it was unavoidable after all and they both grew quiet as they viewed the hospital room. Having a guard stationed had probably told Carol as much, shouldn't be the first time she had seen it in a hospital.

"The less the better." And Rick agreed.

"Something felt off though, when I told Daryl, but I can't put my finger on it. I know it felt wrong, but Carol I don't know." He said and she looked concerned and unsure, glancing back through the window. She had little to go on compared to Rick because she hadn't seen him.

"I don't either Rick, but we're going to keep an eye on him together, he may protest but he won't have a choice.." She nudged Rick in his side with her elbow, just a light reassurance.

"But we can't be his keepers either." She added, knowing they would need to give him some space even if it was hard for them.

"Yea." He looked to his baby girl, the kid satisfied with the kisses and occasional finger she was allowed to grab at when Carol started playing with her.

"All of us will." He gave her a small smile, knowing Judith would help them out considering her fondness of the gruff man and how effective kids were on him.

 

Daryl could feel the looks he was getting from outside the window but it couldn't matter less to him. What mattered was his brother, snoozing with a light snore as if he didn't have a grave stab wound in his body still threatening his life.

"Yer a stupid idiot ye kno'. Didn' think y'ed up an' break yer promise so fast." He snorted, followed by a deep breath. He had clearly taken the chance to call his brother an idiot when he was defenseless and couldn't smack him back for it. Pick your fights, well, most of them at least.

"Ain't gonna hold 't over ye tho', ye can relax." He promised quietly. He had just been sitting around, not able to bring himself to do anything else. He needed time to collect because he felt small, even smaller when Merle looked so fragile and pale, almost cold which made Daryl unsure about touching his hand. Then when he felt it, the need to confirm if his brother was cold or not, he could be, Merle was never cold but he sure looked like it in the hospital bed, he bit back a sob and reached for Merle's hand so he could know. His hand was warm.

"Yer leavin' again asshole. I'll visit tho', someone 's gotta right? Can't be t'only one with no visitors, gonna get yerself bullied." He faltered a smile, trembles of his hurting heart preventing him from holding strong. Growing up forced into lesson after lesson about being a man, growing up to match his brother, growing up without ever being enough to anyone except Merle they remained but here he may be allowed a second to not give a shit about that.

"Managed before, but it'll be different, I kno'" He continued quietly.

"Got people, ain't too sure about 'em but they're alright, I guess. Didn't 've that before. Neither 'f us did." He held the hand tighter before releasing it, sinking back into the chair and decided to spend the rest of the time in the quiet, the light snores and beeping monitors. He would have some time to see Merle again, he'd have time to talk to his brother when he was awake. He hadn't lied though, he had lived without Merle before, there was the army, the benders he'd disappeared to, one time he had taken his bike and just left for six months with no warning. He would manage.

 

Daryl had spent his 30 minutes with Merle before the knock on the window had him reclusively remove himself from the bedside. Rick and Carol hadn't chatted anymore about Merle and Daryl but Rick had checked with her her if Sophia knew but Carol had said no, she worried Sophia would sneak out and run all the way to the hospital so she would tell her later if the moment came. She did take the time to fill in the blanks which Rick had on his face when it came to them and Merle, that after he had started getting his shit together he had made attempts at involving himself in Daryl’s life when it came to Carol and Sophia too. Carol had smiled a sad little smile when she talked about their improving relationship with the man. He had earned himself the right to be called uncle Merle, which Rick had heard once when she had been spending time with Carl and he wasn't even sure he had heard it right. Now they had made their own little family bigger and no doubt, though they had long ways to go but they had gotten far enough that Sophia would be worried about Merle if she knew. Kids were good at sneaking out despite the best of babysitters, he knew Carl had once managed to put on a soap opera one of the sitters in Atlanta loved, distracting her so he could get out and play with some friends, it had earned him one hell of a scolding and the sitter got one too.

When Daryl came out Carol was still there but had sat down along with Rick, their attention swapping from Judith to Daryl. Rick got up and met him halfway, reached a hand for his elbow to just give a touch of support but Daryl pulled away, Rick felt a sting in his chest as he lowered his hand. He had gotten rejected before he hadn't even had any time to get used to being allowed touch to being with.

"Want to get going?" He asked instead and Carol stood up as Daryl nodded to him.

"Home or?" But Daryl shook his head.

"Alright." His place it was then, at least they could go straight home since Rick had taken the time to remove the baby seat from the squad car and they had driven his own to the hospital. Carol carefully approached and Rick reached for Judith when she handed her over and waved at the tiny eyes watching every movement. Then Rick watched her nudge herself closer, this time Daryl didn't remove himself when she gently placed a hand on the side of his face and stretched up to give him a light kiss on the cheek, Daryl allowed it but also seemed to repress whatever effect it had on him, instead he lay his hand against hers for a brief moment, it was short, it was needed, then it was over and he pulled back from her deciding that it was enough. Carol looked over to Rick, maybe having some more understanding on what Rick had meant with something being off with the entire thing but Rick saw she didn't have any answers either, for now they had to settle for his brother’s situation affecting him more than they could understand.

Rick and Carol made their good bye short and they packed Judith into the baby seat. Every now and then she reached for Daryl and after a few futile attempts Rick could see that the man reluctantly popped a finger in her direction, although a bit detached from what he was doing but Judith loved it and acted like she had won the world, was ruling queen of it all. She made grabs at the finger, Rick considered if Judith was a secret super weapon when it came to Daryl, that it wouldn't be long until she could convinced the man to hold and coddle her like she did with everyone else, the image was definitely heartwarming to Rick.

 

 

* * *

 

The first thing Daryl did when they got back was get his own clothes back, surely he must have hated the sweats and the t-shirt Rick had loaned him but had accepted that he would wear whatever he had to as long as he got to see his brother. He was changed before Rick even had time to put Judith into the living room playpen, noticing some stray socks had fallen out of the dryer when Daryl most likely tore through what was in it to find his clothes. Rick picked the fallen socks up and removed the rest from the dryer, making it a task for a later time as he put them in his clean clothes basket. It should have been strange for him, he guessed, but Daryl being in his apartment wasn't. When he hadn't gotten a real response on what the man wanted to eat for dinner, if he was staying for dinner because he only had guy's typical shrug to go by, Rick had decided on chicken and removed some frozen breast fillets from the freezer so they had time to thaw. 

He had busted about in the kitchen for a while, finding himself out of sync with his usual routines now that the plates from the morning already had been cleaned and stashed, it reminded him of living with Lori, except he was the one to clean the dishes, but the feeling of not doing everything on your own was similar. With nothing else to do he made his way to the living room where Daryl startled on the sofa, it had only been a few minutes but in that time he had managed to fall asleep by the looks of it, Rick cursed at himself for not thinking that far.

"Sorry, going to make chicken later for dinner okay?" He asked but didn't exactly expect a response, yeah Daryl really looked like he had fallen asleep, eyes hazy and heavy, blinking.

"You know you can just head off to the bedroom, it'll be more quiet there. Sleep some more." He suggested and knew Daryl was mulling the thought over before pulling himself off the sofa, quiet and unsteady steps walking past Rick and then disappearing into the bedroom, Rick sighed, they were a long way from being good again. But! At least Rick had plenty of laundry to fold, Daryl had chosen to come to his apartment, Judith was due for lunch in some time and Carl would come home from Carol's as soon as she got home. It wasn't all bad.

Not much later Carl had gotten home and Rick had explained Daryl was visiting, it didn't make much sense to his son but the boy had said _cool_ , trying to not be too excited about having the tow truck guy from the Greene farm over. Rick did add that his brother was hurt and in the hospital so Carl should give him some space, it was followed by Carl asking what happened, was he okay, would he get to meet Daryl's brother too one day? By the way where was he if he was there? Carl probably had managed to form the idea that if Daryl had a brother he must have been really cool, just like Daryl. But Rick took his time to answer each question, minding where they were and lowering his voice knowing Daryl may just hear them. So Merle had an accident, a light little white lie, yes he was getting better, a maybe one day kiddo and last off Daryl was resting because he had a rough evening and morning. Then Rick told Carl to help with the dinner later, in return for giving him all the answers, answers which had not been completely true and somewhat vague but they worked on his son. If they didn't Carl was smart enough to pretend they did and use the knowledge to not step on toes.

Meanwhile they fed Judith, Carl changed her diaper while Rick got on that laundry task of sorting through Judith's baby clothes, Carl's soon to be teenager's and Rick's own plain and kind of boring jeans and button downs. A few spare t-shirts he used when tending to Judith so she could throw up all she wanted on him had been thrown into the mix, but it was a quick task once you got around to actually do it. Carl was back with his baby sister and sat down with her on the sofa, he casually expressed himself about not knowing his dad and Daryl were friends or not and Rick had to take a second to find his tongue. They weren't friends though? Rick decided to keep somewhat to the truth and told his son it just kind of happened this way, that he wouldn't mind being friends if Daryl wanted to and Carl smiled while he nodded, said he would want that too.

Rick took Judith when she started yawning, they kind of swapped and Carl went to finish up and put the folded laundry into the respective dressers. So now Rick was faced with the problem of sneaking into the bedroom and put her down in the crib without repeating the sofa incident, but then again if he made sure he was heard he wouldn't startle the guy? Being heard was better than scaring the shit out of him so he decided to knock on the door which was ajar and since he didn't expect a response he made his way inside. He was just putting Judith into her crib when there still was nothing, probably he was just being stared at, but when he turned to look he wasn't getting the stares of doom. Daryl was still sleeping, so maybe Rick didn't have to worry about startling the man after all. He chatted quietly with Judith until she finally drifted off to sleep and bent down to kiss her on the forehead. Forehead though, glassy eyes and sleepyness, now no reaction from the knocking when Daryl usually reacted to sound? Rick turned to the bed with creased eyebrows before making his way over, it was dark in the room so he couldn't have seen the tint of color but when he reached his hand down and still got no reaction proving Daryl was awake, he touched the temple closest to him and felt the moist skin and warm temperature. Annoyed by the touch Daryl stirred and moved which was a comfort on its own, trying to swat Rick's hand away.

"Daryl, I think you have a fever." _Think my ass._  He did for sure but Daryl just mumbled.

"Don't get sick." The words turned out to be after some time translating the muffled noise Daryl had made and no, Rick didn't he was sick with the flu or anything like that, probably just a bodily reaction to the recent events, constantly pending between exhaustion and adrenaline, that could sometimes cause a fever.

"Going to grab water and something for the fever, you're probably just exhausted." He explained and went despite the weak ass complaints. When he did get back and leaned in to help Daryl to sit up, the man pulled to remove himself from Rick's reach and glared at him to keep his distance, so Rick held the glass toward him instead and waited for him to accept the pill. Just this morning he had held on to Rick's hand, they had slept snuggled together and now just like back at the hospital a brief touch was not an option. Rick felt confused, refused and could understand he was back to square one.

"I'll wake you up when dinner's ready." He said while he waited for Daryl to swallow down all the water, which he did and he must have been thirsty because it went fast , Rick took the glass back, told him he would fill it up again and place it on the night stand and that Daryl could call if he needed anything. Maybe he was heard but Daryl just tucked himself into the covers again, settling in on the new space more toward the middle of the bed instead of moving back to his side. Okay so Daryl had a side now, perfect, Rick left the bedroom deciding it was time to give Michonne a call.

 

Closing in on dinner time he and Carl were almost done preparing the chicken, just a simple oven roast to it with mashed potatoes and some salad. Rick did as he said he would and went to get Judith and Daryl, seemingly a bit better when he painfully sat up, knowing the fever probably multiplied the sensitivity of the bruising. But he did get up and pulled himself straight to the table and sat down, so at least Rick didn't have to nag him to do it this time. Carl put a lid on all his questions, picking up on the fact that Daryl was not at his strongest, but still made for light topics, talking about things he and Sophia did or schoolwork, Rick had worried that maybe the food of choice hadn't been optimal for someone drowsy but it seemed to be going fine by the way Daryl devoured it. This time Rick had the chance to see it go down, compared to the eggs during the morning, the guy ate like the food would get snatched from him if he didn't and he wasted nothing on the plate, using his thumb to wipe up remaining grease and passing it between his thumb so his lips could swipe the it off the skin as he pulled his finger out. When he caught the two of them staring he dared them to ask with a glare.

"Nothing." Rick was quick to say, but then he looked at Carl, letting him know he wouldn't get away with using such table manners and Carl smiled amusingly. Judith though could oblige herself in her mashed chicken and potatoes, she had a boiled breast specialty but the way she ate wasn't too far from Daryl ust more happy and less starved, only difference was Daryl had used a fork at least for most of the chicken. When the potatoes had been eaten and he still had a piece of the meat left he had just taken it with his fingers and put it in his mouth.

"Mom would freak." Carl said and Rick looked at his son, he wasn't wrong. Lori was a neat freak, no doubt as soon as she could she would teach Judith how to hold a spoon on her own. She could hold one but getting the food all the way to the mouth was a no go. Daryl looked from glaring to awkward, as if he was disturbing something meant for the family.

"Speaking of, you good with going next weekend kiddo?" He asked, trying to lighten up the awkwardness Daryl seemed to feel. Carl nodded and fed a spoonful to his sister.

"Yeah, just sad we couldn't this weekend, but she was too." He continued while Judith grabbed for a handful of the food despite having enough to work around already. Rick turned his attention to Daryl, did he have to explain or would it become awkward if he did point out that they were divorced?

"Their mother usually have them every weekend, but she couldn't this one. I'm not complaining though, right sweetie." _That went well, casual, you're getting the hang of it Rick and now that you’ve done it once you can forget all about it and shove the second foot in your mouth whenever you feel the moment absolutely doesn’t need it_. He swapped his attention to his daughter at the name sweetie and stroked a finger on her cheek while he heard an "aha", like Daryl had nothing better to comment on the matter but he did catch a quick look on the missing ring on his finger and knew Daryl had already guessed they weren't together anymore. He did not mention her being a neat freak, how she would probably pick a fight with Rick if she knew about Daryl. Which reminded him that he had to talk to Carl about that. Lori could be narrow minded like that, similar to Shane when he thought of it. Did he somehow marry a somewhat female version of Shane? At least Lori hadn't talked as much as Shane did, she had however managed to find problems where there usually weren't any instead. The thought was scary, he brushed it away.

After dinner Rick started picking the plates from the table and Daryl grabbed his and sluggishly made his way to the sink and started washing it off.

"It's alright, you should go get some more rest." He said and reached for the brush but Daryl closed his grip around it, marking his new found territory and defended it with barbed wires around himself.

"'s fine." He bit out, stubbornly set on the idea of washing the dishes. Rick was at a loss, scratching the back of his head, he thought it would probably be best if Daryl got some more rest but he couldn't force him from the sink either.

"Gotta man." Daryl then added when he realized he'd told Rick off a bit harsher than he'd meant to. Constantly pending between a form of something and a form of nothing between them. Which was exactly why Rick had such a hard time adjusting to what they were. Carl picked his sister up and disappeared from the kitchen, probably feeling the tension between them and not wanting to get in the way because it was something they had to sort out. Rick sighed, it was just some food and rest, nothing major for most people but Daryl didn't seem to agree.

"Fine." He raised his hand, not wanting to start an argument Daryl was most likely to cause or have him leave, if he was still on shaky legs it was better for him to stick around but of course Rick couldn't say it to his face. He moved around Daryl, making plenty of space so the guy wouldn't jump and retreat, before settling on the right side, keeping the distance. He reached for a towel and held his hand out.

"But I'm drying. Gotta compensate man." He said and Daryl seemed to accept that, finishing the plate he had in his hand he held it over to Rick who started drying it off. It became a calmer short lived routine, soap, wash, rinse, hand over, dry. It was comfortable, it was smooth and none of them talked, but Rick enjoyed it despite the mixed signals on where he was in the eyes of Daryl, it was simple. He didn't even have to shoo Daryl back to bed after dinner as he went to the toilet and then straight back to bed after their little moment in the kitchen. Rick told his son he was sorry if the little scene in the kitchen had him scared but Carl just looked at him, thought for a bit and said that no, that wasn't it although it had been a bit tense. He told Rick it was obvious Daryl didn't want to be of use, the part which confused Carl was that he didn't see why Daryl owed them anything enough that he would insist to that point. Really, Rick sighed, his son, he didn't think he had words. Rick settled with explaining it that it was just how Daryl was and he made sure to make his son aware of the fact that he was too smart for his own good.

The rest of the evening was spent with Judith and Carl, they played around some, Rick testing out her legs after he and Carl had moved the coffee table in front of the sofa and put her down on the soft rug. She was getting the hang of crawling and soon Rick could dread her walking around, every stumble giving him a heart attack. He embarrassed his son by telling him stories about his toddler time, that every brotherly sting of fear he got even from her stumbling on all fours would intensify when she was on only two legs and that it would be even worse for him when he got his own kid, Carl didn't believe him but Rick told him _mark my words son_ , all too sure about this feeling. The look on Carl's face was one he wanted to treasure forever, even if he had been a bit mean. By Judith night time, which was two hours before Carl was going to bed, he went to the bedroom with his daughter to put her to sleep, having had an exciting day already she would go out like a light again, just like the nap. He repeated his previous method and knocked on the door before walking. This time Daryl was awake and followed him with narrowed eyes, meaning he was definitely feeling better.

"It's 7pm, in case you're wondering." He said as he walked Judith back and forth in the room to start soothing her. As expected there was no response again but he heard the rustling of sheets, so he knew Daryl was getting up.

"You staying?" He chanced the question, turned toward the bed where Daryl was sitting, torso a bit forward as he was trying to wake up, his shoulders shrugged in response.

"You can if you want to. Feeling better?" Rick stopped and settled to light bounces while continued to pick up the responses by looking at Daryl, if he wasn't talking he needed to at least see him.

"Mmhm" He mumbled and with elbows propped on his knees he put his face in his hands to try and mush the sleep lingering on his skin away.

"My friend, I gave her a call, the defense attorney? She'll come down first thing on Monday and review the case." Daryl didn't say anything but Rick could tell he was listening.

"Alright." He said and Daryl's head turned just a tiny bit, latching on to the word like he may have misheard it and needed a double take. Rick turned back to the crib and gave the walking a couple of more laps, by the time was done he heard water from the tap in the bathroom and figured Daryl was probably splashing some cold water on his face. After his laps he had her down in the crib and chatted to her until she fell asleep.

 

Later that evening, after Rick had taken some time to walk through Carl's homework with his son, homework which by every grade gave him a harder time to keep up with, no wonder kids were so smart nowadays. Daryl had spent most time out on the balcony smoking, probably using up the last ones he had unless he was just standing there and rationing them until he finally came back inside and Rick could sit down on the sofa, brain exhausted from his son's schoolwork, soon Calr and Daryl joined him. Daryl was on one side, Rick the other and Carl in between them, watching some movie about superheroes no doubt from these comic books Carl was always reading. He couldn't say he kept up with what was happening in it, similar to Carl's homework and he doubted Daryl did either, but they watched the entire movie despite it all. Much like Carl had said Daryl had explained what he was doing with the tractor at the Greene's, Carl explained how the heroes were related, what their super powers were and why the bad guys had turned evil, the adults both listened with keen ears and Rick was happy. Carl talked up to the end of the movie, only silent on the parts where they had to pay attention which gave him away of having seen the movie before, but what was the harm in watching your movies more times than one? He did get scolded by his son for checking his phone when texts came in, most were from Shane and those he ignored, but one was from Carol checking in, he made a quick reply that everything was good so she could ease her mind. She told Rick to say that Sophia said hi and he passed the message along, making Carl perk up, Daryl ducked his head a little, Rick had addressed it to both of them and it hadn't gone unnoticed.

When the movie was over Carl complained when Rick said it was time for bed, trying to argue that it was weekend and his mom would let him stay up an hour longer but Rick dismissed him easily by telling him that different houses had different rules and 9 pm was the rule of Rick's and they were already just past 9 so it was already being pushed. He did try to fight some more on the matter but gave it up when Rick told him he would make it 8pm in the future if he continued to argue and Carl went to his room with a sour _good night dad, night Daryl._ To his surprise Daryl tossed a _gnight kid_ over his shoulder, real awkward for him to the point where it would have been so easily missed if you didn't sit where Rick had and saw the face as it happened, he almost wanted to smile at it but settled for also voicing his good night and they heard the door close.

"Bet he's going to be up another hour reading comics anyway. At least this has him sleeping at 10 instead of 11." Rick explained quietly, his little secret. Daryl hummed and they continued to watch some bad cop show which definitely left a bad taste in both of their mouths, some laughs from Rick's side and snorts from Daryl's, the comfortable silence in the spaces between was back on full force up to when the credits started rolling.

 _I want you to.._ "stay?" He asked, and turned his face toward Daryl, who had brought his thumb to his mouth and started biting on the skin around the nail. He wasn't even denying himself, he wanted Daryl to stay even if he couldn't say it, it would ease his mind to know he was at full strength before he left, he had a guess that would only piss the guy off if he did and then he would pick up and leave.

"Okay." Rick thought he may have heard wrong first, but nope, Daryl didn't move, he had said okay when Rick had thought he was probably close to being fed up with the daily lives of the Grime's. Plus his brother was in the hospital of course.

"Alright." He said and Daryl stopped biting for a second, a second enough for Rick to pick up on it, much like he had turned a bit in the bedroom and then he was back at his thumb, making a mess on the skin and hadn't it happened before too? Whenever Rick used that word, there was something. Rick felt the need to reach over and stop him from biting on the skin but baby steps, being back to square one required baby steps. So he tapped his hands on his knees before getting up.

"Going to grab my stuff then." He said

"'s fine, I'll take t' sofa." He said and Rick creased his eyebrows slightly.

"'s fine, really." He muttered, Rick nodded reluctantly and when Daryl shot him a narrowed eyed and suspicious look, Rick instantly got up and left to get Daryl's quilt and pillow instead of his own. He felt as if he had been judged, as if Rick would sneak into the bed with him if he was sleeping there just because they had slept together the night before and now didn't trust that the much needed space he wanted would be granted. Rick came back and put down the quilt and pillow, would ask if Daryl was sure but didn't want to risk that look again. Like Rick would just change his life to sleeping all snuggled up to a man every night, ye right. He was about to say Daryl knew where to find him but quickly shut that shit down, it would not sound good in the current moment. Daryl though stood up to remove his pants and socks but kept his sleeveless on which Rick was reminded had their laundry detergent smell to them, much like the soap, he probably smelled all Grime's by now.

"Good night then." He said and got the standard _mmhm_ in return, Rick made his way to his bedroom and slunk down on his side after removing his clothes. As he was nudging the edges of sleep, his fingertips lightly brushed over the empty side, now cold and abandoned. Okay so maybe it hadn't been so bad to repeat the previous night and smother some of this new found loneliness.


	10. Friday dinners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new life left a lot of pieces to get put back together, a bit different but new devotion serves as a great distraction and Carol, tired of the bullshit has a plan. Though progress is a fragile friend and progress sometimes comes hand in hand with setbacks. Rick is having a hard time resisting those friendly touches he was once able to do and he starts working on that limit.

Life had started settling down after the trial. Sure the first few weeks had been shaky steps, the first night after the initial one had been something else, bad and good at the same time. It had been when they faced the reality of the older Dixon, it had been the morning where Daryl was up before Rick, had raided his fridge and made fried cheese and ham sandwiches, making the apartment smell divine when he had gotten up. Daryl had been chatting with Carl who was up for some reason beyond Rick’s understanding, considering the kid always groaned when Rick went to wake him up in the morning always asking for five more minutes, the coffee was done and he just caught Daryl flipping the double sided sandwich in the pan as Carl was putting out the plates.

"Wow. This is not some daddy Grimes get to see every day.” He joked and Carl rolled with his eyes, nodding to the upper cupboards.

"Get the glasses and the juice and never called yourself daddy Grimes again please dad." He pleaded and Rick chuckled. Daryl seemed to want to keep his ass out of the father and son teasing and looked completely satisfied focusing on the state of the sandwich, waiting for that perfect moment of melted cheese and crusty edges telling it was done. When it was, he removed it from the pan and put it in the stack of the rest which he handed to Carl who took it and placed it on the table. Rick was speechless, he got breakfast served and worried this simple gesture would spoil him forever, not to mention Carl seemed to enjoy it and Daryl well he figured it was about half enjoying and half needing something to do.  

"Go'on Curly." Daryl pointed to the table with the spatula and took the pan to the sink to rinse it off in hot water, brushing off the worst of the grease and left over crust. Carl snickered and Rick made a face at him. Apparently taking in a sight was not something you had time with anymore, not with impatient brats.

"Yeah don't count yourself safe Carl, he called Judith mini Curly so you may just end up as medium Curly." He was quick to reload his ammunition and Carl did look worried for a second before he didn't fear for too long.

"My hair isn't as curly as yours though, think I am safe dad." He teased. Proud of having Lori's straighter hair, well Rick had nothing to shoot back at that.

"Instead yer forever gon' be kiddo." Daryl assisted Rick and Rick someone had kidnapped old Daryl and replaced him with this new one which made Rick all giddy and stupid in his stomach. Well almost new version, he caught the man shrinking himself toward the countertop where was cleaning the pan up and Rick was moving to pass him, yea that he knew and could recognize. He was more chipper in tone and mood, could be mainly for the kid but in the end he was still far from comfortable enough, Rick decided he would keep it in mind.

"Dude I'm almost 13" he complained and now it was Carl's time to be the receiver of Daryl's famous _mmhm's_. Daryl had taken the same spot as the last 3 times at the table when he was done with the pan. Judith was at the short end with her high chair, with her purée already opened, stirred and ready. Then on to each of her side she had Rick and Carl, then Daryl next to Carl.  Rick and Carl had taken turns on feeding Judith while the other dug into the grilled cheese sandwiches, they had been delicious, unhealthy yes but damn they had been good. The only shame was that the entire morning, Rick thought as he had a moment to look toward Daryl, had partly been means to redirect focus. At least if Rick took the signs right, from Daryl it could be either clear as a sunny Georgia day or just too hard to tell. He didn’t like it when he couldn’t tell, because he just felt it  in his stomach from the tiny signs but the rest was no different, but just feeling and knowing there was more, but not seeing it with your eyes, that was difficult and Rick would have hoped Daryl could have really enjoyed the morning like he deserved.

That was how the first morning had set a pace on the recovering period of time they had ahead of them, he didn’t get grilled cheese every morning thank god. No matter how tasty they were it just wasn’t something you ate every day of the week. But the coffee was always ready and one morning he even caught Daryl reading the news paper, a sight which collided with some mental rule of the man he had built. Of course he reads, Rick wasn’t that stupid but he didn’t look like the morning and paper kind of guy, then again he did a lot of things Rick never imagined about him. Like how he was a lime and mind toothpaste kind of guy when they had been running low that first week and Daryl had picked up some necessities or how he constantly went back to tinker with an old fashioned table clock he’d inherited, could spend a few late hours on that broken thing hadn’t even remembered having with him, so it wasn’t just cars and bikes, seeing how he was figuring the mechanical part out.

 

The first week following the amazing breakfast they had been to the hospital every day and Daryl had sat with his brother for the entire time he was allowed to. Now Merle was awake, loud as ever but Daryl looked to be soaking in all of it knowing this kind of presence would be limited later on. Sophia and Carol visited a few times with him too, watching Merle pinch the little girl’s cheek and her swatting his hand away with a stern _uncle Merle!_ as she felt she was too old to be treated like a kid, Rick had a hard time making the sight work for his eyes because it looked so off. Carol would kiss Merle on the forehead, a quick brief peck before leaving and Daryl would spend an extra minute before he too left.

He had stayed over at the Grime's a lot for the first week, only two nights at his own home despite needing his time alone but made the sacrifice because they had a lot to cover for the coming trial. He even stayed over during the weekend when the kids were at Lori's. Michonne had been a whirlwind of information since she’d arrived early that week. There had been papers, books and folders everywhere in the apartment before she’d even packed her things into the guest room, which was super tiny but she didn't seem to mind and she and looked happy that she didn't have to sleep on the couch. Daryl had claimed that one as his own and outside from the legal and defense talks, she and Daryl rarely initiated any form of contact, but Rick didn't feel any hostility between them. Rather he would say Daryl he had respect for her but just his hands were full with the ones already in his life and chose not to bring one more into the mix, especially when Michonne was a string connected to what was hard for him to deal with.

"This one is different from Carol. Wouldn’t have thought you’d call me for it, doesn’t seem like your kind of friend." She had said one evening Daryl had chosen to spend at his cabin, needing some well spent time away and recharge most likely, considering the Grime's apartment was getting kind of tight spaced and there was always someone or something around needed tending to. Michonne always knew how to be tactful, waiting for just the two of them to have time to talk.

"Yeah, he kind of came along with Daryl. Really glad you could help out with Carol, even if you couldn't be part of the trial." He had said.

"Still a secret?" She asked and Rick nodded. Even if Carol had stubbornly declined the offer to call Michonne back during her divorce he had still asked Michonne to do some background work just to aid the case and he was looking to take that secret to his grave. Maybe, just maybe he would tell Carol one day, or she would figure it out on her own when she saw Michonne in action, no doubt she would be there in court with Daryl. Could be Carol already knew considering how sharp she was. But Michonne knew the limit’s, she had held nothing back about the severity of this case. She held her breath for a moment, a move typical to her that never meant anything good and it earned his full attention.

"Talked to the hospital today, he didn't make it. They tried with the infusions, but his body never stabilized." She had seemed genuinely sorry.

"Fuck, I wasn't notified." Rick could expect the dent in the case that would make and she knew it too.

"Because you weren't arresting officer and you were only on Merle's list at the hospital." She had explained and he swore again, of course she was right. He would have thought he'd hear something from the station when he was at work at least or maybe that receptionist, blonde with glittery eyes following him whenever they had made a visit there, could have given him a call and since he had Shane on ignore well fuck, even if he had fucked up at least maybe his best friend could have offered that piece of information as a truce, but then again he didn't care about the Dixon's so why had Rick expected that. Michonne patted a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Hey we still got some angles to work on." She smiled her illuminating smile at him, the one which she also used as a deadly weapon in court and on men, but when it was to friends it was all love and support. She was popular he knew that much but didn’t had never wanted to be tied down for some reason.

 

* * *

 

The trial had been over before they even had a time to catch their breaths and it ended with Merle getting 10 years at Atlanta Metro, it was the best Michonne could pull considering Merle’s history with the law and the circumstances. Now they were a few weeks past it and Daryl was getting back into the daily life of the Grime's and Peletier's, it had been touch and go for a bit but they had persevered. If the first week had been spent preparing for the trial and get everything ready and having Daryl as a steady presence in the apartment, then the second and third had been completely different. Like when Daryl was done with his part in it he just wanted to avoid it all, he was there less and less, with work and the trial coming up he had opted to use his spare time to hunt and ended up sleeping in his own home, Carol had mentioned he used to do it a lot when they had crashed there, cleared his head she said. The forth and the fifth week he hadn't seen Daryl at all, which led him to borrow Daryl’s side of the bed, no wait, both sides were still Rick’s.

It wasn’t until Daryl had walked into the courtroom which was the first of three things that Rick remembered vividly. He had been dressed in a suit, looking uncomfortable but determined. It was almost black but not completely. Underneath it he had a light gray shirt and it was stopped off with a simple black tie. Rick remembered it like he had seared it into his brain. Sure this was to be the one and only time he would see the man dressed up with his hair combed, probably the work of Carol since there were no others getting their hands on his hair and getting permission to stand behind him. Except that one time in Rick's bed, he couldn’t actually remember touching the hair but he had a feeling he had in his sleep.

The second thing was how he had Carol and Sophia with him, the little girl was holding his hand and walking one short pace ahead as it to guide him, he remembered he had imagined the roles reversed with forest surroundings, Daryl being the one to lead her. Sophia had looked determined just like him, made it her job to make sure Daryl got there in case he faltered.

The third was Michonne's warrior start, fierce and bumping point after point, earning the reduced sentence.

 

Then one Friday Carol had most likely gotten sick of Daryl’s self proclaimed solidarity and called Rick, who didn’t know at the time what she had in store for them. Said she had shopped for groceries and was going to cook dinner for them and when she rang the doorbell she more or less shoved Daryl through the door before her, with bags in either hand so he didn't have much to fight her with. Sophia had been sticking close to Daryl throughout the evening as if guarding him from potential harm even though there was none around. But she looked happy doing so, earning herself a couple of strokes over her hair or a ruffle, depending if Daryl felt like messing with her or to just be kind.

Carl had come out and answered a lingering question he had since they spent the weekend at the Greene's, for sure Sophia had told him that how they knew Daryl and how he sometimes would bring her out with her to go through tracking, valuable edible sources, to make a couple of snares even if she would never use them, simple things really. But they were things that would make her comfortable with the woods and learn them and when Carl had gotten wind of it, well he didn't want to know how long his son had been waiting to ask.

With the trial over and a friendly dinner taking place, he had risked it all and asked if he could come along too. Daryl hadn’t looked too eager about it but then passed it onto Rick, that even if they did get time to do it, he couldn't just say yes without Rick agreeing to it. Way to go champ, now had to Rick to talk his son down looking at him with doe eyes all please please please. Rick settled for them talking about it later, not saying no but not agreeing either.

But the dinner had acted as a breaking point and Carol continued to bring Daryl with her, saying he needed to work on his social skills too and not just commune with nature. Rick had heard her when she said it, earning herself a nudge in her side and laughing at her own teasing and Daryl pretending to be hurt about his lack of social skills. It was the small things really, dinners and a movie, Rick knew things were going the right way when Daryl went for the dishes and when Rick walked around to help him dry, which was their natural positions now, he didn't move himself toward the countertop like he’d normally avoid the close quarters with Rick.

Then Carl invited Daryl over during the week, said he had to come and watch a movie and he invited Sophia but her mom had a shift so he had to get her. Rick knew Daryl called the bullshit as soon as he heard it because Rick could drive, but he still said yes. Mainly to mess with Carl because of his shameless tactics he had asked Carol if he trusted her to have Sophia on the bike, having gotten her a kid sized helmet and all because he just knew Carl would flip when she got to ride it when Carl didn’t. Carl did flip and it was 100% worth it. Rick could just imagine all the nagging that would come in the future because of it and he tossed a glare in Daryl’s direction, the guy only shrugged as if it wasn’t his problem and true, it wasn’t.

Carl had been nice enough to pick Lord of the Rings so that all of them could keep up with the story. Not that halfway through the movie did Rick think it was a good choice for their age but they seemed to steel themselves through it, iron wills and surprisingly brave considering that giant spider when Frodo and Sam was traveling through the tunnel forced Rick to pull his feet up from the rug in horror, it was truly a disgusting and off putting creature. The kids though seemed to soak it in and Rick thought they must be made of some new form DNA because it didn’t affect them. Meanwhile there sat Rick and believed a giant spider leg, rash strands of hair on its leg would reach from beneath the sofa onto his foot if he kept it on the floor.

Daryl’s feel sat planted on the rug, not seeming to mind the horrid creature on the screen and Rick thought that maybe he was just a sissy when it came to spiders but then again, the guy was always in the woods all the time so he’d be used to them, shouldn’t be a surprise. When the spider started chasing Rick had to grab for a pillow to cradle between his knees and chest and he could hear a snort coming from the other side of the sofa, barking back a quick _shut up_ in Daryl’s direction. Just because he was a nature spirit used to all disgusting small critters around out there and could get amusement out of Rick’s skin that was about to crawl away to the bed. He thought maybe his fear for spiders were a bit more critical than he’d first imagined.

Carl was having a blast though, he and Sophia talking about the spider between themselves during the scenes and sometimes she would turn to her right and ask Daryl something, what she asked was hard to make out because whenever she talked to Daryl they lowered their voices as to not disturb the movie but when the kids talked they didn’t hold anything back. Rick and Daryl didn’t talk much except the snorts coming in Rick’s direction at his apparent weakness to horrified creatures. The two of them being on one side each and the kids between them, but he could fire off some mocked faces in Daryl’s direction, which only amused the man more but it kept Rick from freaking out too much from the spider cave and he was thankful for the distraction.

The rest of the movie was easier to deal with. The kids had stubbornly plowed through most of it but it was a long movie and close to the end Sophia had dozed off against Daryl, Carl was yawning and rubbing his eyes to try and get to the end because he knew it wasn’t much left of it. Rick was amazed she could fall asleep even after the disgusting spider while he himself had yet to get his feet back down on the rug. He thought the stiff knees aching later would be well worth it. Then again, as he looked over to his right she was all relaxed against Daryl’s side and he had his arm up along the back of the sofa. He guessed she felt safe judging by how she’d curled into him, didn’t look so bad and he almost felt a bit jealous knowing she was allowed to do it, Rick could use some cuddling to get the spider fear purged from his blood but the courage re-charger was all occupied and would probably not appreciate a grown man using him. He would just have to man up and do it himself.

When the movie did end Daryl carefully picked Sophia up with some resistance from his sleeping muscles that had been locked in their single state since just after the spider cave scenes. He tucked her against his body like she was glass because he didn’t want to wake her up and then silently asked Rick if he could borrow the keys to his car and drive her home which Rick was more than happy to oblige to, knowing he had to get Carl to bed meanwhile. Daryl left with Sophia after taking the keys Rick handed to him and during the time he was out Rick nudged Carl who was a bit disappointed they couldn’t talk any after the movie but didn’t resist going to bed seeing he was tired enough to sleep as soon as he got under the covers. Rick took some time to sit with him as he drifted off, feeling hopeful about the smooth flow that was going through the Grime’s life at the moment.

Daryl came back not long after, the rustling of the keys hitting the tray in the hallway was evidence reaching Rick’s ears because if anyone could open the door and pad through the hallway without sound it was Daryl.

“No troubles getting her home?” He asked after meeting him up in the hallway and Daryl nodded as the ride had been uneventful and she’d been sleeping in the back seat the entire way.

“Mm, Carol says hi.” He said while he used one foot to remove the first shoe and then one shoeless foot to remove the other. Rick laid his weight against the frame as Daryl took his jacket off, with that and the shoes it became likely that he intended to stay the night again. Rick smiled some to himself, earning a responsive face of a put off Daryl like he made when he wanted to ask what but decided not to bother.

“I’ll be sure to tell her back later, beer?” He asked knowing the chilled six-pack in the fridge had probably been within Daryl’s urges throughout the evening but with the kids and the movie he hadn’t had the time to grab one. So Daryl nodded and held his pack up to notify Rick he was going for a smoke and Rick turned on his feet to go get one. He tried to be careful but the rustling noises coming from the door of the fridge when its contents reacted to the pull and then again when he closed it made their way from the fridge despite his efforts. He popped the caps and made sure to put them in the trash before they got left and neglected on the countertop and he made his way out to the balcony. The summer evenings, thankfully not as hot as the days had a welcome breeze to it that evening and Rick settled down in one of the old rattan furniture he knew he needed to replace with something more modern. The set of two chairs and a table with a glass surface had come with him from his and Lori’s house in Atlanta and before that he had gotten them from his mom, safe to say they carried their age in the worn surfaces, yet they were comfortable and one of the things Rick kept and liked to postpone.

Daryl had been standing close to the balcony railing with his arms against it and hands dangling over the edge, just left of the gate leading down to Rick’s small but perfectly sized lawn he decided he needed to make more use of, maybe have Carol or Shane over for some barbecue, it all depended it he wanted Daryl there too, but nothing said he could do both until he remembered he wasn’t speaking to Shane yet and the one out there with him now still hated his partner on the force. But with Rick out and sitting down, settling two cold beers on the glass top, condensation laying itself around the glass bottles Daryl straightened up, killed the smoke in the ashtray Rick had bought to his apartment and took it with him before he too sat down.

“Scared ‘f spiders then?” He asked with a teasing tone to his voice and he grabbed the beer, catching Rick’s attention as he swallowed the liquid down, had it been a few hours earlier the sun would have reflected on him perfectly.

“Oh please, you’re telling me you’re not afraid of anything.” He remarked and heard a snort he couldn’t decide if Daryl though Rick was silly thinking there should be something he was afraid of or him hitting the nail on something he wouldn’t know anytime soon.

“Not ‘f spiders.” He said and turned his head to Rick, probably thinking Rick was a grown man, he was an officer of the law and a brave dad so this silly fear of his was out of place and damn too funny, except there was no smile smirking at Rick, but it was close enough.

“You going to bully me about this forever or?” He asked jokingly, Daryl didn’t tag along on the joke though, just looked a bit confused and turned his head back to think while he sipped on his beer. Rick had a brief thought that he may or may not have said something wrong, okay not wrong but something off at least.

“Nothing wrong w’ fear, ‘s spiders man really?” Daryl said instead, bringing back the teasing and Rick felt he missed something vial but it was too late now to ask. He could have asked what Daryl was scared of, knew the moment to do so had been right then and there.

“Baby drool then, saying you’re much better? Besides, it’s just that it was huge, I can handle normal sized ones.” He followed up with to smoothen out the conversation between them and actually managed to have Daryl lower his head in a sheepishly manner. Since the evolvement of their little family extension now not only reaching the Greene’s but also the Dixon’s, Daryl had grown quite fond of the little one even if he was still somewhat hesitant about indulging himself to her  and her to him. Still the drool threat remained one of the foundations between them.

“Whatever y’ say Curly.” Rick huffed a laugh and stretched his legs out.

“Oh I know it’s true.” He said with a smile and Daryl neither agreed nor denied regarding the matter. Still he wanted to know, as he looked at Daryl and knew somewhere he had fears buried inside, some shaping him to who he was in the present and some for the future even if he battled them well he’d seen proof of one of his fears back at the hospital. Pure desperation may not counted to what they talked about though, even if fear in the end, was just fear.

“Alright fine, mister invincible, I know you have them too, besides baby drool that is.” He watched Daryl’s finger twitch on the bottle head and how the corner of his lips curled slightly, after the twitch his fingers pulled themselves tighter around the head and the corners fell back to their regular placement.

“Maybe.” He replied. It didn’t even give Rick anything to go on, still not saying yes and still not saying no to anything and sounding so perfectly balanced between the two there was just nothing for Rick to grab from his word.

“Maybe yeah, okay I can go out into the woods and _commune with nature_ , make some spider friends like some other people around this apartment.” He tried to sound like Carol when using her words. Daryl would probably have tossed something at him if he had anything at hand, since he was kind enough to not use a cigarette butt.

“Shut up.” He replied, using the exact same counter he had used against Carol and Rick laughed.

“Don’ think t’spiders would enjoy yer friendship, ‘n when ye’d get lost y’kno Dale would’ve asked fer overtime, ain’t none to find ye all lost out‘re.” Daryl said and Rick snorted in mock offense.

“I wouldn’t get lost, I know I’ve been in Atlanta for a long time but I grew up here.” He defended himself with the smile lingering on his lips.

“Ye look like ye’d get lost.” Daryl kept going and maybe he wasn’t too far off his mark. Rick wasn’t very good in large expanses of the same looking trees, especially if it was new places but he’d used to be. The large city of Atlanta may have dulled his sense of location with less blocks, signs and memorable details he could latch on to but he was confident enough he could get through the basic areas, not counting the ones closest to his neighborhood.

“I was in the boy scouts you know, I know some stuff.” He attempted and was shocked when he heard the first and closest thing to a laugh leaving Daryl. The fact that the found Rick’s boy scout history meaningless in the present didn’t matter much to Rick as he was busy enough soaking the sound into his ears needing to remember it.

“’s good beer.” Daryl opted to direct the topic instead, too amused over Rick’s apparent experience in the woods when he was young to even want to pursue it and Rick, having earned himself that sound ringing in his ears still, allowed it.

“Actually is, just grabbed the first thing this time, felt like adventure.” He explained, not mentioning the fact that he had liked the symmetry of red and white colors with the moose and bear logo on the bottle. But Daryl was right, it did taste good and he would definitely buy it again.

 

* * *

 

Things were going in the right way after initiating Friday dinners, but they also took plenty of steps back. Every Sunday Daryl would leave for Atlanta for the weekly visit to his brother and when he got back he would always be gone for the first two days. He would be gone but wouldn’t miss a day of work, Rick knew because he had dropped by with lame excuses of making too much food or that he plainly just thought he could use booster sandwich just to make sure things were going okay. Daryl would be there, but he was more dazed and in his own little world rather than being responsive. Then if Rick skipped the garage he would text Carol and see if she was passing by the cabin and she would reply with it looking like he was out already. Every Sunday it seemed like he had to start over by nullifying anything around him, so he went hunting, every Wednesday he would come back into existence but would be impassive, on Thursday he would listen more actively and somewhat respond and on Fridays he would partake in bantering with Carol or tease Carl. Every week he had to start from the bottom and Rick knew the worst thing he could do was suggest he take the next Sunday off and see Merle the following, despite the toll the visits were taking on Daryl.

Sometimes Carol and Sophia went with him, those Sundays brought Daryl back a little faster than his visits alone and he would be able to answer the phone on a Tuesday and once he was even over to Rick’s apartment to pick up Sophia for Carol. Maybe Rick was acting a tad bit too possessive after having been let into Daryl’s life, feeling like he needed to be there when he was needed and but desperate times didn’t give you time to stop and consider how far you were taking things. He just knew his will to help out drove him forward and he wanted the guy to stay in their lives.

It was around this time in the repetitive weeks that Rick patched things up with Shane. Well, to a point where they could at least work together again but making it clear that they were far from good, he needed some of his friend again and to not really talk himself because he couldn't talk about Daryl, Carol or Merle with him, but he could use his constant nonsense that never stopped from Shane’s lips as a break and he did miss the guy in the end. It was a necessary relationship for him to bring back if he was going to be stuck in King County with him. Didn’t mean they were anywhere near good, but it was a start.

Rick had felt inspired by the whole thing so out of nowhere that week he had asked if Daryl wanted to stay the weekend, they could grill some meat, drink some beer or they could go fishing. He hadn't seemed to keen on the idea but Rick assured him that he would not miss his visit to Atlanta, not because of Rick and then added that he could use the time out too. Now if there was anything in it for Rick, then Daryl seemed to be okay with it, as if doing Rick a favor but at least it worked. They decided they would go out to Daryl’s place after the dinner with the kids and Carol.

Rick hadn't thought about it too far when he had suggested it but when they did arrive at the cabin it hit him. He would actually get to see Daryl’s home and he was getting real excited about it. The cabin was a bit run down but far from a disaster, seemed maintained enough and inside lay the secret to the long awaited question. The kitchen was disappointingly regular. Plates were stacked, clean and dry. The sink was free of any disgusting leftovers and Rick going over there to check actually earned him a suspicious look but nothing more than that. He saw furs, self cut probably, of various animals. Two rooms with closed doors, the sofa, a fireplace and he was memorizing everything. Daryl had snapped at him to stop messing around and get on with it, already ready with his tacky box and two rods and the crossbow over his shoulder. In case something was close by he’d said and Rick was just surprised the guy really used one and it hadn’t been some kind of exaggeration. Maybe Rick had turned back into a 13 year old, what was it that he and Shane always said to each other again? Right, _“Nerves brother, you shut them down because you have to",_ he could do that.

They spent the evening fishing, had a few beers. Daryl had picked up the adventure beer that Rick had given him and continued to buy after it. Both men growing fond of the taste and shared them cold every now and then if they had the time, even if Daryl wasn’t in the mood he would always accept a beer. Rick had chanced a few touches on occasions they could seem innocent enough and not revealing that he was just testing where his current limit was, sick of getting kept at arm’s length and missing whatever chip that had been lost to their relationship. The first time hadn't worked out too well, the second he hadn't allowed it but he hadn't forced Rick out from the close space nor did he move himself. Then the third touch had been okay, a nudge on his elbow when the float had bobbed because Rick had naturally done it without thinking all excited about the possible fish, then it was some mixes of okay's and not okay's. All in all Rick had to say that after he had gotten a taste of the friendly touches he had felt starved without them, went weeks with tingling finger tips and hurting that he was refused within the physical orb of trust he had once had access to, even if he at the time just barely had it, it had been enough to get him hooked. Maybe to a point he had even been jealous of Sophia and Carol for not getting too shunned by the man.

Rick was the only one who actually caught a fish by the end of the evening but Daryl had looked happy for him, teased that he usually caught his by traps or nets otherwise he would have beaten Rick. Or maybe the guy just held back because Rick had been so excited about going fishing and getting out of his apartment which was empty during the weekends. Rick thought that if anyone had the right to feel lonely it was supposed to be Daryl, yet that wasn't the way the guy seemed to view things. Still Rick enjoyed his time at the lake just a short hike from Daryl's home, the air was clear and pure to the lungs, crickets were playing in their surroundings and the sun was beginning to fade. He enjoyed this time outdoors, reconnected to his youth where he used to go out fishing with his dad and after growing up and the academy such a treat of nature had been neglected. He’d been a few times, when Lori and him and brought Carl camping but they never really enjoyed it like he had now. Back then it had been a family activity and Rick wasn't implying he didn't enjoy that, connecting with your blood but this felt more true and relaxing, going fishing just because of going fishing. Something just for him and he didn’t have to be the dad and husband.

"Back after Carol's divorce, when we had dinner to celebrate she told me for the first time that you let them stay there." Rick said. Daryl had built a small campfire with what twigs and branches he had found in the area and put them in the already blacked and charcoaled spot on the ground, guessing it was the place Daryl usually made it. They had given up on the fishing for the evening, satisfied with the one fish but while Rick had gathered the wood Daryl had gone looking for some wild growing herbs and was now cleaning the fish, freshly gutted just before. Rick was watching Daryl’s hands moving over the scales, removing them using a knife with movements so precise and well practiced it was almost mesmerizing. Rick took a sip of his beer as he continued watching Daryl efficiently clean the fish, evidence of a long history of doing this kind of thing.

"She told me about the fish you were frying one morning at the start, the fish wasn't really the important detail but I remember it after catching this one, you got that fish from this lake?" He asked, eyes on the hands reaching for the plucked herbs which he started stuffing in the split and spread belly of the fish.

"Yea." He said and Rick smiled, freshly caught fish, he thought that probably Daryl barely shopped for groceries and just went with what he caught most of the time, having direct access to it an all.

"And now I get to eat one too right?" He asked and Daryl threw him a look, asking if he couldn't see what he was doing. Rick laughed. Maybe a bit easy on the beer but really it was just that perfect amount that spread warmth throughout you.

"Okay okay, but it's handy, the herbs." He pointed at the fish. "Roots apparently." He added when he saw Daryl wrapping the roots around the fish to close the gut together so the seasoning wouldn't fall out.

"Plus furs and the hunting, you’re using everything from the animals. Like the bone carved nails on one of the drawers in the kitchen." He continued, the odd color had caught his attention when he’d been in the kitchen, drawing him in for a closer look, still it took a while for him to figure out what material it was because Daryl had wanted to get going and he didn't have enough time to study them so during the short hike he’d thought about it long enough to finally figure it out.

"You know all these things." He said, _know how to survive_ was a comment he held back.

"Mmhm, had'ta learn." He said as he attached the fish to a somewhat straight branch he could spear to the ground with the right sense of distance to the fire. Rick decided to chance a risky question.

"Merle taught you?" He asked and Daryl got quiet to think before he sat back, satisfied about the fish's position to the fire. He grabbed his beer and took a sip.

"Myea, ole man too. Mostly Merle tho'" He said.

"He doing okay?" Rick continued, having a feeling it was okay as long as it was vague questions and not about to hold it against Daryl if he didn't want to answer.

"Yea he is, misses t'station cells. Bitches 'bout 't all t'time." Daryl snorted, amused at his brother's change of mind, going from hollering in the cells to missing them just because he was in a different one.

"Said t'cots were better." He shyly looked up through his bangs in Rick's direction and Rick laughed, sounded like Merle alright.

"Really, hard to please that one. You know, I got back in touch with Shane earlier this week." He carefully mentioned and Daryl ducked his head again. He wasn't as explosively angry at the man anymore but he still clearly didn’t like him.

"But that's not the important part, I never thanked you for not bashing his head in and fixing the car anyway, that's why I told you." He said, expecting Daryl to shrug it off the second before he did it, Rick grinned knowing Daryl wasn't watching his face.

"Ain't ever gonna forgive 'm, but I'll tolerate 'm." Daryl replied after a moment and it was more than Rick ever expected to get.

"Fer ya'll 's fine." He added while he reached for the fish to turn it just a few degrees. Rick just held his beer for a while, grin faltering but he was warm in his chest, for Rick’s family and those involved with Shane Daryl would try to tolerate someone he would never forgive.

"I'll never expect you to forgive him, ever. Will try to keep him away too, hey I'll even bump him together with my ex-wife if that helps keep him away." He joked but he had been honest at the start. Daryl huffed at the supposed joke but nodded in appreciation that Rick didn't crave a sweet forgiveness and reunion ceremony with hugs and peace symbols all around the decorated room.

"Later though, you staying at your place? You're welcome to tag along to mine if you want a change of scenario. I guess, it wouldn't be much of a change with Carol pulling you over every Friday but yea." He asked. Daryl had this air around him that was calming, _like beneath the surface_ he had thought once in his tub and he hadn't been wrong about it, he was addictive and Rick hoped he would stay over.

"Maybe." He would take a maybe, maybe was not a no. Rick held his tongue, working the word around it, deciding he would test it out again. He lowered his gaze to Daryl's hand which was curled around the neck of the bottle and then he said it.

"Alright." Rick watched the fingers around the neck twitched and a light shock made itself appear in the body, like when you were on the brink of sleep and got nudged awake by your mind, it had the same look to it. Rick was more and more sure of it every time he used it, which he had started tracking when he first noticed it, testing the word in different situations. When it was just the two of them he would react, when there were others around and involved he wouldn't. The rules of others had an exception, when others were busy and he and Daryl were secluded in their own world like when they were doing the dishes. Daryl’s hands would twitch in response and he'd turn his head to Rick, not always looking at him but sometimes he did that too. He would most likely have turned his head now too, if he hadn't already been in front of Rick.

"Wait you said had to?" Rick reconnected back to a point he felt he had neglected without noticing. Daryl reached to turn the fish some more and nodded in Rick's direction.

"Had t'eat right, money's scarce back then." He said.

"I see, but you enjoy it yea?" He continued to ask to avoid any landmines about the poverty he knew the guy had grown up in. He didn't think Daryl would care really, but he hadn't talked much about his past, today was the first time he had heard him even mention someone related to him that wasn’t Merle. He knew of their father from what Shane had said, but that was it.

"Yea, I love it." He confessed and gave a tiny smile, _focus, lock and capture._  The smiles were rare and one this easy made, well that was a first and Daryl looked beautiful with it on his lips. Carol could tease him to twitch in the corner of her lips, he could give her a reassuring smile, to Sophia he would give it affectionately but Rick had busted his ass off before Daryl had shut down and barely managed at the time, now he had finally earned himself one fair and square.

"Teachin' Sophia 's nice too. Jus'most times I gotta b'alone." He continued to drink his beer and managing the fish which was starting to give out a nice smell. It was probably the herbs and the root he had stuffed and knit the fish with as seasoning, making all the sense in the world to Daryl but to Rick they were a mystery.

"It's good though, having skills like that and Carl won’t stop talking about it since you passed it over to me, thank you very much." He said with a hint of sarcasm, earning himself an amused snort.

"Ain't seeing t'big deal with not lettin'im." Daryl replied and turned his eyes up to Rick's, curious about Rick's reasoning.

"I should let him, I just have a hard time letting go and I figured you had your hands full with Sophia tagging along, wanted to give you the chance to say no, in case you wanted your space to yourself." He reasoned and Daryl held his eyes, studying him for a while after.

"Huh." He said as if he didn't believe Rick would do that for him, deny his son what he wanted because Daryl was a secluded woodsman by choice.

"Once ‘r twice, should b'fine." He turned the fish again, almost the complete way around by now. Looking more crusty and getting that nice orange like tan on the flesh.

"Almost done." He said and took another sip of his beer. Rick was really looking forward to trying the fresh caught fish, his fish even. Sure it may not be too big but it was edible size. Had it not been enough he just knew Daryl would have put it back to grow a bit bigger, not killing for the fun of it and since they weren't starving that meant he could let them back into the water if he wanted to.

"Then I may just tell him he can go." Rick smiled, Carl would be thrilled.

"Yea." Daryl replied. They waited a bit longer, sipping on their beers before he removed the fish from the heat and reached over to a stack of flatter rocks next to the pit and divided the fish onto two of them. When Rick looked sceptically Daryl’s choice of plates, Daryl asked him what, brushing Rick's doubts away and he took the rock when it was handed to him, safe to say he hadn't really used a regular flat piece of stone as a plate before but hey, he could try it. Then he just held it and looked at the fish, it did smell amazing and when Daryl stared picking pieces with his fingers, knowing the guy had dug around for worms with the same ones and only washed them off when he cleaned the guts out he frowned, the man didn't care about it and at first it was a bit disgusting but after he found it funny. He decided to act upon what he saw and started digging into his own fish with his non-worm and gut lingering hands and if it wasn't delicious then nothing else was, he made sure to tell Daryl that exact opinion. They traded a few observations of the other one eating, sharing the easiness to such a thing as just using your hands to grab your food and Rick could understand somewhat why Daryl did it from time to time even if it did earn him a scolding about table manners from Carol and no doubt Lori would have flipped. But she wasn't here, Lori wasn't and he could enjoy this little freedom he hadn't even thought of giving himself.

They were out for two hours after eating the fish, enjoying some more beer and just a calm evening with at the fire. With the Georgia summer going strong they wouldn't have been cold even without the fire, it was just a means to cook the food and something about it crackling and the orange glow of it just added to the outdoor feeling. But they did have to pack up at some point, when they did Daryl killed the fire like the stand up guy he was and not risk it spreading, making sure all the embers were dead before they left the lake and started the trek back. The cabin was waiting for them, Daryl's pick-up, his bike and Rick's Ford neatly parked outside and after packing the gear inside the cabin they stood on the porch.

"Don' hav'ta go to yer place." He had said and Rick felt a bit disappointed, he had been hoping for some company but he guessed he would have to manage. He nodded and started stepping down the porch steps when Daryl caught his attention again.

"Ain't what I meant Curly, ye could stay're." Daryl tilted his head a bit at the offering and it clicked for Rick that he had just been invited to sleep at Daryl's, which made sense since they had been drinking a couple of beers. Not that neither of them were drunk but why not play the safe card over the unsafe one.

"Oh, yea sure, I'd like that." He said and turned to walk back up to the porch. He played it cool but he was actually very happy at the invitation, that Daryl initiated the reach for company considering he was pretty much used to be all alone and being a private person he probably didn't let just anyone stay over, Carol being the exception back then but she had been different.

Daryl dug into his pocket for his pack, grabbing a smoke before they were heading inside and as he took one for himself he offered Rick to take one which Rick declined, he wasn’t a smoker which Daryl knew but he just shrugged and lit his up.

"It's actually pretty nice out here, can see the perks of it, suits you." He said and looked to Daryl while he was exhaling his smoke.

"Ain't bad, she used t'be tho', had to fix'er up a'first." He motioned with his hand to the cabin. Rick had thought it looked decently maintained but it was actually in a pretty good state if he had to start by fixing the place when he got it.

"A lot of work?" He asked and Daryl nodded. Rick took the time to turn and rest his elbows against the railing of the porch, take in the view and just breathe the clean air, well, exception of some smoke blowing in his direction but he didn't mind. Daryl seemed to join his state of mind, just took his drags and enjoyed the moment, until he was done and he stubbed the butt on the ashtray by the door. Rick had turned just as he was killing the cigarette and again, he hadn't heard Daryl take those steps toward the door. He looked down at the porch the wood did look sturdy enough not to creak but still, he couldn't have been that wrapped up at the scenery. Still he watched Daryl reach for the door handle and went to follow him inside and Rick got walked through the basic tour, which was very short considering the cabin wasn’t much bigger than his own apartment.

To the left when you got inside you had the living room which was adjoined to the kitchen straight ahead from the entrance, then on the other side of the kitchen wall was the small toilet with a reasonable sized shower and to the right from the entrance were two smaller rooms at the bottom and the third in the corner between the toilet and the two smaller ones, fairly bigger than the others, looking like it had been expanded outside the cabin.

"You expanded the room by yourself?" He asked curiously, not only could he work with engines and frames, if he had built out part of his cabin he knew his shit about carpentry too.

"Yea, used t'be smaller than t'other two, 's either that 'r tear t'wall in 'em. Easier t'build up, with t'steep on t'backside an’ well, rather ‘ve a wall with Merle." He explained and Rick remembered walking some downhill while passing the cabin on their way to the lake, so it made sense.

"Not bad." He expressed with a slight whistle to add to it.

They had some more beer, Daryl even brought out a whiskey which scorched satisfyingly in their throats, keeping them at a pleasantly tipsy state of mind. They had started watching some TV but had quickly gotten bored and had dished out a deck of cards instead and never had Rick felt himself so bad at playing cards, he had thought he was decent but Daryl cheated all wins from him. Other than calls for the game and Rick's claims of foul play from Daryl they didn't breach many other topics and at the end of the night Rick got to pick one of the two rooms to sleep in. Now it was clear which room was Merle's so out of respect, which he amazingly had developed for the man, he picked the other one which was neatly cleaned, some dust from no one using it anymore but Carol had definitely been around to maintain it, so not Merle’s. The bed was made, the lamp centered on the night stand and the quilt on the chair was neatly folded on the seat of it, where as Merle's stuff were unorganized and scattered all over his room but the bed, surprisingly, was made too, most likely thanks to Carol. As Daryl was getting ready to sleep, brushing his teeth he went to close the door to Merle's room before washing his mouth, spitting the frothed paste into the basin and searched around in the top cabinet for a spare toothbrush which Rick happily accepted, not wanting the lingering taste of whiskey to follow him to the pillow.

 

* * *

 

No noise of traffic, no noise of people, the old dusted radio was off, it was complete silence when Rick woke up and he embraced the feeling, letting himself stretch out on the bed for a long two minutes before he actually sat up. The first thing he did hear was the fridge door shutting close and then the sound of a knife against a chopping board. He could smell the coffee, most likely already brewed and ready. Rick was pulling his jeans on when the sizzling started to creep its way into his room and it had already started to smell of food in the making when he was buttoning his shirt and made his way out of his borrowed room. He could see Daryl in the open kitchen adding new pieces of meat to the frying pan as he cut new ones.

"Always up at the crack of dawn huh?" He asked, well at least he knew of one night where he hadn't been, but other than that time it seemed impossible to be the one waking up before Daryl. The man huffed at him in an amused sense and when Rick was going to reach for a mug Daryl was already grabbing it to fill it up for Rick before handing it to him.

"Don't know about you but I had one damn good night of sleep." He said with a yawn and Daryl added the last pieces of meat to the pan before he started stirring and spreading some salt around.

"'s t'whiskey." He lightly teased because sure, partly, but it was also definitely the feel of the cabin if Rick got to have a say in it. Rick decided to test the boundaries again, but with a mild playful tone, so he nudged his elbow to Daryl's and got a payback nudge in return. If he wasn't careful he would get addicted to these small things again, now that Daryl was starting to allow them so he settled for the one he just got and started drinking his coffee instead if pursuing any more boundaries.

"Looks dark, it's not beef right?" He asked and nodded toward the raw areas of the most recent pieces, a bit intrigued about trying new food, not that the fish was new but maybe this was.

"jus' deer, y've had 't right?" And Rick had to think for a bit to try and remember.

"Think I did when I was a kid once, then once more at the Greene's but still it's been years." He replied, soon accepting a hot piece Daryl had dug out from the pan, soft but done with plenty of meat juice to soil his fingers. Daryl waited for Rick to actually take a bite with eyes on his guest, so Rick did and the flavor was definitely something he remembered when the piece split between his teeth.

"Like ye remembered mm?" He asked and Rick tossed the second half into his mouth to chew that down, taking a card from Daryl's book and just giving him an _mmhm_ when he was busy biting the tasty piece and savoring the taste, swiping the fingers he'd held the piece with past his lips to get the juice from them too.

"Shit, I had forgotten all about it." He finally managed and held off any urge to sip on his coffee for a bit to let the taste remain for as long as possible.

“Happens.” Daryl said while he continued to stir the remaining pieces in the pan. They spent the morning with delicious coffee as soon as Rick was willing to let the taste lingering in his mouth go because they had more meat waiting and there was occasional small talk. Rick told Daryl that if he wanted to drop by his place later he was welcome to do so, he didn't accept another match of cards knowing he would get his ass kicked and later on he went home to his apartment.

When the evening did come around Rick prepared himself for Daryl not showing. He didn't really have a reason to come over considering he had Atlanta in the morning, other than to spend time with Rick. Though they weren't as close as they had been he could maybe label them as friends by now and if he hadn't been the one responding that evening at the hospital then they wouldn't have been where they were, Rick would remain shut out from Daryl's life even worse considering the hit he took after Merle. Maybe he would even be sentenced himself because no one had tried talking to him and just pushed him over the edge instead.

When he did hear the knocking on the door he expected it to be a neighbor complaining about the volume he never had on high and just complaining because they could. But Daryl stood at his door and he quickly let him in, not really knowing what to do. Rick felt he may have worried in vain because they didn't do much, just casually watched TV and ate late night apple pie because Rick had some leftover since the Friday dinner like some regular old folks. He noted their initial distance they usually had on the sofa, sitting on their designated sides had decreased. Daryl ended up dozing off against the armrest but nudged awake when Rick moved, so he told Daryl he would just get the quilt for him and Daryl rubbed his eyes before getting up and taking the sheet Rick offered first. He placed it on the sofa and  stopped Rick when he was about to turn the TV off, said he wanted the low volume going so he put the remote down again and said good night.

Daryl was gone by the time Rick woke up, having Atlanta on Sundays Rick guessed he wanted an early start and knowing that even if that wasn't the case, he would have been up anyway. The apartment felt bare, cold and empty but it would have to do until the kids got home.


	11. Something unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick was having a good feeling about the fortunes of his life, but when you’re on a good streak there’s usually just something lurking around the corner to go wrong. The signs of it starts to bare themselves and in Rick's case it may be something unexpected in the end, but it may just be a new beginning too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while and although I have a lot of material done already I've been limited on the time to actually go through it all. Usually I only get roughly two hours every morning which really aint enough and I was supposed to have more time to go through the chapter once more this particular morning but it was sadly cut short and I'll settle for the changes I've made so far.  
> So yay, a chapter!

After the weekend they went fishing, Daryl started spending more of those with Rick and a bit less on the weekdays. He still made sure to come to the Friday dinner and usually stayed the night after, sometimes staying over Saturday and sometimes not. But didn't make it most of the rest of the week. When the kids had asked he had said that it was easier for him to go to and from work if he was home, he didn't want to mess up the nice apartment and because he wasn't one to lie to someone's face he also straight out told them he needed time alone too. Being a kid Carl had a harder time understanding it, Sophia on the other hand seemed to get it, Judith was too young of course but she had grown used to having the gruff man pay her some attention from time to time and sometimes he thought she was just pulled toward the air he had around him. Rick could understand if that was it, he was too. In the end no matter how many days he stayed over he would always leave on saturdays and only a few times he stayed to Sunday morning.

Though things were supposed to go in the right direction, after plenty of positive weeks to the point where Daryl would actually even allow himself to hold Judith, having her tiny hands grabbing at his scraggly beard and calling her little Asskicker, feeding and playing with her. His missing presence during those first two days of the week hadn’t changed at all and before they had much time to catch on to it, there was no contact at all during the weekdays. Which, in the bottom of it all shouldn’t really be any different from how things used to be but now it was unsettling. Even if Rick stopped to try some underhanded tactics he’d used before like swinging by the garage with lunch for him, Daryl would say he was busy and Rick would end up leaving. The one time he hadn't and tried to force him to talk he had gotten his mouth shut by Daryl telling him _"aint yer business Curly."_ and Rick knew the warning for what it was and had to back off.

Even at the Friday dinners he already looked worn and exhausted when he arrived, like death had stolen the life from under his feet and even if he attempted to be part of any of the topics he usually faltered and opted to leave the kitchen for a smoke or to the toilet instead. Not even Sophia could engage him when she tried and she was usually the likeliest one to succeed. Carol would look at Rick like she was scared and he could relate, yet they didn't know what to do. But whatever it was it was gnawing his stomach out from the inside. As soon as the dinners were done he would stay at Rick's, but he put the sheets out on the sofa immediately and curled himself into the quilt, telling Rick he could sit and watch TV if he wanted to. When Rick did Daryl's feet would be resting next to Rick's thighs, both of them were there but only Rick would be watching while Daryl dozed off with his back against the light of the TV. Daryl never bothered watching with him anymore.

Then came the Friday when Daryl didn't show at all and Carol said she had no idea where he was, as usual she had tried calling him at the garage, then on his phone, figuring he was busy she had stopped by but Dale had said he had left as soon as his shift was done. Said he had almost sent him home at lunch after near breaking more than he was fixing, his mood had been more than the old man could handle when he refused to talk or listen.

 _“The boy’s been working too hard last two weeks, said he should take a day off at least but he refused. Asked for the keys in the end, making sure the garage stays locked over the weekend.”_ Carol had passed on to Rick and at least that would explain the exhaustion. Apparently Daryl hadn’t been too happy about his boss’ decision and had slung a lug wrench which unfortunately had landed in the side of a car they were fixing. It lead Carol to pass by the cabin where he hadn't been either and his bike was gone so she said he wasn't on a hunt, unless he had left the bike in town but she didn't think he would do that. Rick tried calling too, but the call never connected through.

No one really felt like dinner but they still had to, so she cooked for the kids and they ate, Rick's gnawing stomach having him break out the whiskey just to soothe his nerves. Funny enough throughout the somber evening was that Carol had chosen lasagna, which only reminded Rick of his tucked tail between his legs after the great escape to the diner. He’d carried half a box of lukewarm lasagna back to the station, not sure if he ever ate the rest or if he gave it to Shane, didn’t matter really. He didn't have much of it this time either, just needed something for the horrible feeling he had going inside him which was unrelated to the previous lasagna memory. In the end Carol left when Lori picked up the kids and Rick sat at the kitchen table considering a third glass of whiskey.

 

* * *

 

It was just past midnight when the sound of his phone buzzing woke him.

 _"Rick I got your friend here at the Crosser's, as a favor to you because I’m your best friend and kind of owe him too after the car, I won't arrest him for the commotion he started. He's drunk and angry man, didn’t even know he was here until he almost bashed Ed Peletier’s head in with an ash tray in the middle of the bar, caught him just as he tried, you come get him or I'll take him to the station. Shit."_ He said, making Rick forget to remark on his position of best friend and then Shane hung up, like he was losing his patience at having his evening at the bar interrupted. Rick groaned as he pulled himself out of bed. He couldn’t decide if skipping out and getting drunk was a valid reason, it was a bad reason really, they’d been sitting around worrying he may have been in some kind of accident but trying not to and if he’d just dozed off since he was always tired lately that would have been fine. But Daryl hadn’t just gone out and gotten drunk, with Merle maybe sure, but Rick had never seen him lost on the percentage.

Drunk Daryl was an asshole and a handful. Spitting his disgust and taunting Rick whenever he got the chance to do so. Shane had looked to have been lightly bruised by the time he arrived and hadn't been too happy but it was at least better than his mouth going non-stop about his distaste for rednecks, in fact after the truth about Merle he had shaped up and tried to contain those types of comments. As soon as Rick had arrived he had shoved Daryl at him a bit rougher than necessary and Rick had to hold the guy back because he hadn’t been very fond of Shane’s treatment. But Shane had called Rick instead of the station, he had stayed and kept Daryl outside the bar for Rick to come and pick him up, he hadn't wanted to but he had done it for Rick, because it meant something to his best friend and he was working on what they had lost, Rick appreciated that.

Daryl truly felt similar to Merle when he was drunk, at the beginning of the drive if Rick tried to look at Daryl he would get a coin tossed at him, or a pen or whatever he could get his hands on then combinations of shit head, asshole, fucking copper, white picket fence spoiled ass rich bastard and more insulting names depending on what suited his mood. He wasn’t hollering about but he talked a lot of shit, talked a lot for being Daryl. Though the closer they got to Rick’s apartment the more Daryl seemed to settle down, but he could also out of nowhere accuse Rick of trying to control what he was doing which was always completely out of turn and made no sense at all. Then he was talking about getting something more to drink or how he thought Rick was a sad pamphlet of a broken family man, he was really all over the place and Rick tried hard to not let it tear at his heart.

When they got inside he was almost full into a brawl when Rick accidently nudged Daryl while they were passing the door, a fraction of the touch had Daryl already grabbing onto Rick and whirling him into the wall to get him away. Those tiny boundaries Rick had been working out seeming to be long lost and forever gone. Rick could only hope it was the after math of the alcohol and not really all the work they’d been doing gone down the drain.

"Daryl." Rick bit through while regaining some air into his lungs.

"Why y'all s'fking friendly huh, just lemme sleep." He had spat in Rick's direction to which Rick didn't have more than a sigh to reply with. Daryl was staring at him, though drunk his eyes were clear and he rarely staggered, like he could physically handle the alcohol but just couldn't keep his temper in check. Rick thought maybe he wasn't as drunk as he seemed.

Rick took a deep breath and decided to do the only thing he thought could work. So he raised his hand and held it toward Daryl, offering it and Daryl looked at him as if trying to figure out what angle Rick was working. The man was looking between his eyes and his hand like he didn't understand and it took a while, but Rick waited for him, trusting he would find it in his brain what it meant and trust what he knew. Daryl did slowly raise his hand to reach for Rick but he also stopped, so Rick decided to take that step for him. It was hard to reach out after all the bashing Rick had to endure during the car ride but it was a little too late to be discouraged and safe to say Daryl wasn’t the only one who could be stubborn.

"Here." He gently said and nudged his hand a bit closer to Daryl, their fingers entwined and he heard Daryl take a breath, then another as their skin and knuckles slid together. Like the spell finally cracked once again as their hands joined, while Rick still was well aware that a crack was just a crack, it wasn’t tearing down but it was the start of something breaking and he would continue to chipper on the cracked wall for as long as he was allowed to, no matter how many times the crack was repaired.

"Shit." He finally said and grasped tighter around Rick's fingers.

Rick made a pull at his hand and limped away from the hallway with Daryl following after him, pulling him to the sofa and had him sit down before he released his hand to straighten up again. Daryl almost chased after it, but let it go and Rick took a quick detour to the kitchen to pour himself a half glass of whiskey which he tossed back in one go before he came back. The pleasant burn in his throat was duly needed, not just for his patience but for the aching joints after getting slammed into a wall. He could feel the burn coursing through again, having only slept for about an hour the new one added to his previous glasses during the evening, calming him to sort this situation out.

"What happened?" He sat down on the sofa facing Daryl who still remained where he left him. Though Rick could say he wouldn’t mind half a glass more, he wasn’t bringing the bottle in just in case. Daryl may have had enough but he couldn’t know that for sure and the last thing either of them needing was adding more fuel to the fire.

"Shit I dunno, jus'member Ed bein're, was jus’ havin’ som’ beer ‘n heard this shithead talk ‘bout ‘is ex-wife." Well fuck just a name and the shit show making sense became all the more likely. Daryl wasn't Ed's biggest fan and considering the last couple of weeks of working himself to the bone and adding the alcohol to that. Though the combinations could surely be the precursor to what most likely happened next.

"And then?" He finally asked, noting how Daryl had started restlessly twitch his leg and hand was constantly moving like it was shaking, probably from the blood violently coursing through it and the muscles and nerves reacting to the pain he had yet to feel in the split skin of his knuckles. Sure evidence he had already gotten some hits in before making a grab at the ash tray.

"Fuck, looked over ‘n saw ‘im, whaddya think I did.." He stopped and his eyes fell to his split skin on the knuckles.

"Said Sophia was a waste ‘f space man, second later I’s ‘ready beatin’ an’grabbin’ for whatever." _Almost bashed his head in with an ashtray_ Shane had said and Rick had no doubt Daryl, looking like this and knowing his breaks could be stuck when it came to the things that mattered, he would have gone through with it. The only thing in the comment Rick had to find comfort in was that despite apparent worn and worry, Sophia had mattered enough to tick his fuse. Sophia still mattered, Carol must do too then and if he dared to hope, the Grime’s little family wasn’t far behind. Precursor reasons or not, Rick thought maybe the result would have been the same even without them.

“She ain’t.” Daryl pulled a breath and his fists started to clench together again, Rick was quick to reconnect them, pulling his attention from Ed and what he had said at the bar.

“No she’s not.” Rick said before reaching to turn Daryl’s face so he could see him when he was talking, all careful when Daryl flinched but Rick felt the need to reassure and secure him before he could pull away. His fingertips met the skin, tingling at the sensation but relieving Rick slightly from his worry and fear for his friend, because right then and there, what was important was that Daryl could really see and hear him. His fingers lingered as he spoke.

“She’s not.” Daryl listened, soaked in the word for all he was worth. Then his head fell heavy toward Rick’s hand as if seeking strength from it, leaning into his touch. Slowly the realization was dawning on him and Rick could him letting part of the tension go. Daryl’s hand reached for one of the two at his cheek and he curled his fingers around the limb without moving away from the palm of it and Rick leaned closer to let Daryl know he was there, wouldn’t move an inch. It almost looked like he was basking in the feeling of touch, which was an image so far away from Daryl that it felt like he was forbidden to look away. When their breaths almost started touching Rick had, without noticing it, drifted closer to the man than he had intended, but he had and it didn’t bother him, feeling for the man who feared what he was capable of, knew what he could do when his control slipped like it most likely had happened before. They had talked about fear before, this one fear of Daryl’s Rick could recognize.

“Fuck Rick, I was ready t’beat ‘m dead.” Rick froze. His name sounded so different on those lips, for the first time Daryl had called him Rick and not Curly and it stole his breath away.

“Say that again.” He said, forgotten in the moment with nothing else on his mind, he needed to hear Daryl say his name again.

“jus’ wanna sleep.” Daryl muttered, wanting to shut down from the day’s events, from the week, the past two weeks, from whatever had pulled him into the darkness he was in, but Rick couldn’t let it go.

“Please. Say my name again.” He said. Daryl looked at Rick like he didn’t understand what Rick was getting at yet he didn’t look away, didn’t stop himself, _Rick_.

Like something got unleashed, none of them would be able to tell who started it, but there was the connection of lips wet to the touch from the other. The kiss was painful but sweet, needy and grounding and as the lips explored this new thing none of them had been ready for, they quickly fell blindly into the dark pit of desire. The lips parted to make way for their tongues to taste and savor while one pair of hands still held connected as they were lowered to their side and the other still caressing the side of Daryl’s face, clutching tightly and bruising but with the pure inability to let go as Daryl moved his way up into Rick’s lap out of instinct. The kissing was blissful and at the same time it was suffocating, they craved the comfort it provided despite how it smothered them, like some sadistic need in them had awoken.

Daryl placed his legs on either side of Rick and tucked his hips tight to the lap, dragging his crotch over Rick’s in one pleasant and euphoric movement, making Rick release the hand on Daryl’s cheek to make a grab at his hip and guide it to repeat the motion. The friction was mind numbing and he didn’t want it to stop, though he didn’t need to continue to guide the them as Daryl proceeded to rub against him on his own. Rick merely followed the movement, digging his fingers into the fabric covering the skin he felt he wanted to feel without the shielding clothing. All throughout the grinding they continued to devour each other like they were oxygen, Rick could feel dick was already getting hard and throbbing, responding to Daryl’s which was pushing down against it and rolling, grinding, moving, searching, finding and losing the touch every time he repeated the motion.

He didn’t have time to stop and think what the fuck they were doing, the only thing he could hear in his head were their breathing, growing heavy, the sound of wet lips and _Rick_ , Daryl repeating his name in his head. He got some protest when he released their hands but he needed to do it, unable to stop himself he placed it around Daryl’s back so he could lift them up and swap their positions, pushing Daryl with his back down on the sofa. He needed to feel him, couldn’t not feel him anymore and the clothes were getting in the fucking way. His fingers slit under the hem of Daryl’s shirt and found that piece of skin just above his hip bone and Daryl’s breath hitched from the sudden contact. Kissing and grinding seemed to have been fine compared to how small Daryl looked when Rick had touched that piece of skin, making Rick feel like it wasn’t enough and desperately he reached and fumbled with the button of Daryl’s worn jeans. Somewhere in his mind he glad that the guy didn’t wear a belt and as soon as he got the button free he reached his hand in to grab hold of his member in a long, slow painful stroke. He wasn’t a stranger to a dick in his hand but usually it was his own so the angle was off and he thought he’d have more than just that specific thought at the feeling of the hardness in his hand, but he didn’t. It dawned on him what he was doing, surely he’d be punched in about three.. two.. one.. Daryl groaned at the sensation, only fueling Rick to keep touching. He wasn’t punched, he was goaded into continuing and Rick started moving his hand as much as he could until he got sick of the fabric restraining his movements. Rick released the dick so he could rip the pants down from the hips with the underwear, Daryl so kindly having lifted them to ease the process, bobbing the member free and he got right back to it.

Stroking and feeling while searching for that right rhythm that would make a guy lose his mind, dragging his thumb over the head and squeezing to have Daryl gasp hot breaths into his mouth. It could only do so much, with his own dick craving touch, he didn’t even need to say or do anything before Daryl was already responding to his unshed thoughts of _me too_ , slipping on his grip of Rick’s sweats just once before he shoved the fabric away and had his dick out before Rick even knew it, meanwhile pushing thrusts with his hips into Rick’s hands to meet the movements of the hand around it. Rick was about to complain when Daryl didn’t wrap his glorious hand around his member, but he quickly picked up his intentions when he made for Rick’s hand instead and broke his fingers away to have Rick join the members together and safe to say, Rick never thought he would ever have his dick rutting against another but here he was and he wouldn’t stop even if it would kill him. There wasn’t even a trace of being repulsed about what he was doing if he stopped to think for a second, there should have been but there wasn’t.

They slid perfectly against each other, pre cum leaking out and lubricating the movements, mixing together and when Rick stopped to spit into his hand before placing it back on their dicks, the sensation intensified and almost broke them. A short memory of him having his leg between Daryl’s appeared before his eyes and his thigh against the junk had worried his brains out back then. Now here he was rubbing his dick against another, well fuck ever having worried about it.

Daryl groaned, had to grab onto Rick’s thighs to contain himself and the tight grip hurt. It would probably bruise in the morning, but so would Daryl’s hips after the treatment they had gotten for Rick when he’d been in the lap and he was no-where near stopping, he didn’t think Daryl was either with the way he was pushing his dick into Rick’s, wanting it as just as bad. He could feel the pressure rising, how their heart rates were increasing but he knew he didn’t want to stop here, even with the pleasure coursing through his body this wasn’t it, this wasn’t everything and he needed to take it all. He moved from the kissing, had his lips taste the skin on the cheek with a quick peck before moving to just below it, he kissed at his throat and neck, drag his tongue over the collarbone as he was working their members with his hand but with a slower pace, letting the salty taste of sweat spread through his mouth and his nose pull in the scent of woods, alcohol, cigarettes, oil, all that was Daryl.

Rick had to remove the shirt, wanting that interrupting piece of clothing out of the way to continue trailing down his chest and stomach but was declined access by Daryl moving his hand way, gripping around his wrist and instead of letting him undress him he led the hand to the hem of his pants which lay like a discarded trap around his thighs, telling Rick to get them all the way off and he did. It was a shame he had to move away for the duration of moving the clothes off the limbs, allowing chilled air to slip in between them where it had been hot and fuming, but it was worth it. Rick straightened up to remove his own t-shirt and made another attempt at Daryl’s shirt, thinking he had just wanted his pants off first but he was declined again, frowning down at the man watching him with those stormy blue’s he was tucked back into the moment when Daryl reached to pull him down to the sofa again, moving his leg to the side so Rick could join him even closer than before. Rick could see it in his eyes, Daryl calling for it, like Rick needed his name to be voiced on the others lips, Daryl needed the word. Rick placed a quick kiss on the lips before he gave him what he wanted.

“Alright.” Daryl hadn’t needed to ask, just one look was enough and the body beneath him shuddered. Members forgotten but not for long, the throbbing soon reminded them that they had been in the middle of something which Rick began to get back to, wrapping his fingers around them again.

“Shit, Rick fuck.” Daryl swore and Rick stopped thinking, he had only just gotten back to stroke them, probably hitting a real sweet spot for Daryl making him express the sensation the only way he could, Rick needed that, needed this man and before he knew it he was offering his fingers to Daryl’s mouth. The man took the digits around his tongue, wrapping lips around them. Rick could feel Daryl’s hand feeling their way over his thigh and up over his hips, tracking his skin as if Rick was his prey, feeling and pushing the tips into it, maybe memorizing every part of him, driving Rick insane and he wasn’t even touching his dick. _More, feel, take_.

Rick quickly changed his mind about their positions and pulled his digits from the mouth so he could revert themselves back to the original one with Daryl in his lap with a quick heave of bodies. The man before him, now above him again, inhaling a deep breath, lost in the moment with hazy eyes as Rick placed one hand on his back to make sure he wouldn’t lose his balance as they switched, then trailing it down to meet up with his other hand, grabbing at each side to spread the cheeks. Daryl could have protested, could have told Rick that he was going too far if he thought he did, but he only lowered his head so he could kiss along Rick’s neck, lifting himself up slightly to give Rick more access, not even caring what Rick wanted before he gave it. Rick would take.

His digits were still wet when he trailed them down the crack, but if he didn’t hurry up they wouldn’t be for long and Rick couldn’t afford to waste that time, impatience dawning on him turned out to be a feeling unknown to him. He dragged a tip of his finger over the hole, earning a tongue painfully stroking against his pulse point, if Daryl wanted him to stop he wasn’t doing a very good job of informing him of that. Rather he was driving Rick with increasing need and although he wasn’t that used to it, he and Lori had only tried it once but she hadn’t liked it but the basics should be the same. He started pushing in through the restraint of the muscle, effectively removing the fraction of Lori from his brain when Daryl clutched himself tighter to Rick, making him worried for a second that he was in fact going too far but the hips held still. Rather after a moment of adjusting they pushed down on his hand as if they were taunting him. So he continued, worked his finger deeper until he had no more finger to give and started working it in repeated motions, steadily loosening the restraint around it. Rick knew he should be taking it slow because they didn’t really have any proper lubrication, but at soon as the tight muscle started giving in he grew desperate to add a second digit, pushing it in with his first, not wanting to lose too much time and not wanting the spit to dry. Frankly he didn’t want to wait and though it was rough, Daryl was pushing down on the digits like he didn’t want to either.

When he spread his fingers between the muscle Daryl hissed, the hint of discomfort and possible pain doing nothing for Rick’s brief thought to go easy when it transformed into a pleasant sigh like he was embracing the roughness of it all and as if Daryl was chasing that strain of existence, he moved his head to reach and bite down on Rick’s neck silently telling Rick _stop wasting time_ Rick doesn’t, adding the third which had Daryl gasp and moan in the same breath, his dick twitching against Rick’s belly. Rick worked digits massaging the muscle and the hot and wet walls inside and Daryl finally stopped taunting Rick and just seemed to trust him through the motions. Rick didn’t fail to deliver as he started picking up the pace, working his fingers roughly in and out until he just couldn’t anymore and pulled them out, hole stretched, empty and waiting. Daryl lifted his hips as Rick was moving his member, placing it below him and nudged the entrance. He couldn’t form any sound, just his mouth open and producing nothing when Daryl sinks his hips down, mind shattering.

It’s was a forceful push to get past the initial restraint considering the finger couldn’t compare to the head of his dick but Daryl didn’t stop, he willed his hole to swallow around Rick as he lowered himself slowly all the way to the hilt before he stilled and just breathed. His mouth, close enough to Rick’s ear that Rick could imagine he could hear Daryl’s heartbeat transferring from every breath, the hitches and drops as he adjusted around the throbbing length. Then Daryl lifted himself, causing a wave of pleasure to course through Rick, he would kiss Daryl if only he was capable to doing it through the sensation, but he could only focus on the hips rising up before pushing down. In the end the focus he kept on Daryl working himself over his length wasn’t enough to contain him, grabbing the first hand he could get so he could bring it with him up to Daryl’s shoulder to get some leverage. He used his strength to push Daryl down whenever he moved up, creating a rough thrust of bodies connecting as the pace increased. Rick felt through Daryl’s fingers which tightened at every hit and his other hand moved to grip at Daryl’s hip again so he could steady him. High on the building euphoric need Rick experimented with a thrust up with his hips as he pulled Daryl down, making the movements join as one with the additional leverage that the limbs provided and once he had gotten a taste of that control he couldn’t stop himself from wanting more.

Rick thrust harder but he maintained the pace, semi fast but strong as Daryl merely gasped and grunted, silent even when he had a dick up his ass. He only made sound from time to time when the thrust was particularly good and Rick wanted in that moment to break him, make him moan because of what they were doing together, make him confess he was feeling good because what if he wasn’t? Rick pulled Daryl in close instead of pushing him down with the next thrust, angling his ass so he could roll his hips up and get a different feel of it, god damn if it didn’t feel like his world would explode with Daryl’s tight muscle clutched at his dick, milking wave after wave of pleasure as he thrusts deeper and harder like there were still new limits to reach. But Daryl wasn’t letting up and giving in to what Rick wanted and Rick couldn’t accept that. The trust to control the filthy act playing out between them only left him hungry and starving when he was denied that sweet sound Daryl should be making. So Rick stilled and was at least a little pleased when Daryl did protest when Rick pulled his dick out.

“Comon.” He said and pulled Daryl off the couch by joined hands. The other man stumbled to his feet before quickly finding his balance again and followed Rick with little choice to the bedroom. Sure it wasn’t the best feeling because the sheets would be cold but that they could change with just some time. He took a moment to get a taste of those stale cigarette lips again which for some reason tasted so good despite how they shouldn’t, before he laid them down on the bed and hooked his arm under one of Daryl’s leg to raise it up and give Rick the access he wanted. Daryl didn’t have much time to have a say in it before Rick pushed in again, with less restraint than before, now the tight heat accepting his dick. Basking in the role of control Rick’s hand searched its way up, finding the shoulder over the fabric of the shirt then crept on up toward the neck to get some hair for his fingers to grab onto as he started rolling his hips.

He started right where they had left off, a semi brutal pace with more focus on the hard jerks of hips because the sofa had restricted their positions and he still wanted to taste with his lips and feel with his hands. The new flat surface of the bed presented the spread form of Daryl's lean body, lying like an offering, lips slightly parted at the intrusion down below but his eyes were hooded and hazy from sex which Rick personally thought was a look all too seductive and shouldn’t be possible on a man. Every time his thrust hit bottom Daryl’s breath would stutter and Rick made damn sure to memorize all the details, leaning in an folding his lips around the edge of his jaw while daring a hand to snake up over his hip bone and venture into the beyond and unknown. He felt Daryl tensing, almost pushing back on his elbows to try and crawl away but before he could go through with it Rick spread his fingers over his stomach, not having gotten higher yet, and he gently pushed. The stormy blues who’d been drunk on mindlessness pleasure had, to Rick’s disappointment, cleared up and narrowed. Intense pupils staring at Rick and promising him hell. It had gone so fast from sex to fight but Rick refused to back down and fortified his want by adding more pressure on the stomach.

Rick wouldn’t ever have thought being inside a man would be something he’d want, probably still didn’t if had been anyone else. But he knew it the second Daryl’s back finally relaxed down into the mattress again and there would be no promised fight. Right there in the sheets and just them together, Rick couldn’t ever deny that it couldn't be anyone else in a similar scenario, it just wouldn't happen. Daryl who was a stranger to touch in most cases, less so with people he deemed worthy to trust, yet those touches would always and only include the general limbs like his hands or arms, maybe the tip of his shoulder if you didn’t count Carol’s ability to kiss him on the cheek or side of the forehead, was fighting off his need to fight Rick. Rick had been so consumed with touching he’d forgotten about Daryl’s restrictions regarding them and he’d been painfully reminded to say at least, tight-roping his own crazy by pushing further when Daryl hadn't wanted it and when Daryl then surrendered to his hand on the stomach and Rick was allowed the touch. he felt like a king.

Daryl’s stomach was pretty flat and pretty smooth too. It had some covering skin with the normal amount of body fat to it evening out over the abs. Underneath the skin the muscles ripped and fought the feeling of fingertips, Rick should have felt bad about being so selfish that Daryl was clearly uncomfortable but he may just never get another chance and if he got access now, if he touched and the sensation transformed from something horrible to something good then there would be no harm to it. Rick could argue it was for Daryl’s sake too, but it wasn’t an evenly divided number, rather 20% for Daryl’s sake and 80% Rick’s. His fingers trailed the short hair by a swipe of his thumb, the trail he could see starting from his groin and ventured toward his navel after disappearing under the shirt. It tickled the skin but he continued to push his tips further up, noting Daryl’s breathing picking up after passing the solar plexus and spreading on the chest. Now Rick almost frowned. Daryl had muscle, wasn’t a meek build because he was always hunting or pulling wrenches at the garage but Rick could feel the traces of the inner chest bones like a washboard under the skin. It wasn’t much but it still collided with his normal build, but then again Rick had also felt the hip bones and surely if he moved his hand down he’d probably experience the same regarding the ribs. Rick thought he must have been losing some weight, he’d always had sharp features, probably under the rest of the shirt too but Rick was sure Daryl used to have some more mass to him when he’d seen the bruised skin on his side that evening in his bathroom.

As if Rick had been distracted, because he had been, he feelt Daryl clutch his calloused and strong fingers at his hip, telling him to stop fucking around and not to say how Daryl's hole was painfully tight around his dick, almost strangling it. Daryl's breathing was stuttering and uncontrolled, like his lungs were seizing and he just desperatly grabbed the closest thing he could to try and wake Rick up. Rick moved his hand from the center of Daryl’s chest, sad he missed his opportunity to get a nipple or two but he pulled his hand out from beneath the shirt like he’d been burned. The breath Daryl took when his stomach was freed was deep and almost like he’d been unable to properly pull oxygen down with Rick’s hand there. Rick felt a second of remorse for being the cause of it all, at least his strangled dick was less painful after that deep breath and the tightness around his member had relaxed along with its owner. It was only for a second he had been allowed to feel the shitstorm he'd created, he’d have takent he time to reassuringly touch Daryl’s cheek, kiss him and say he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again but was stopped by the tight squeeze of fingers and nails at his hip which couldn’t possibly dig deeper down. Rick hissed and bit back a yelp of pain because shit, he may have lost weight but he was a strong fucker in the end.

The message had been loud and clear after the bruising and Rick tightened his grip on Daryl’s hair, pulling his head back and causing Daryl to curve his back to give in to the sting in his scalp. But then with the added fuel of control Rick thrust his dick roughly into him and Daryl moaned like he hadn’t before. It was a deep sound, rough and unfamiliar but that was definitely it and it was the sweetest thing to Rick, washing away any hesitation left in him. Rick let go of the mop of hair without letting Daryl’s body fall in its arched form, instead he grabbed at Daryl’s lower back to hold him exactly where he was to continue on his assault. 

Daryl was breaking as Rick’s dick advanced and retreated in repeated motions. The sound of the breathless moans and skin slapping skin it was sending bolts of ecstasy straight down to Rick’s dick before spreading along throughout the rest of his body. He could only wrap his grip tighter around the curve of the man’s hips as the muscles flexed under his fingers, securing the lift of Daryl’s ass while in that pefrect angle and pulling it against his dick as he thrust, deepened and savored the sight before him.Rick watched flushed and sweaty cheeks, that haze finally back in the blue eyes and how Daryl, for the life of him released Rick’s hip to find something else to grab onto, the bed’s head frame sufficing for the task to hold himself in the arch. Rick wouldn’t last long, he could feel it but he wasn’t ready to let it all end yet not with Daryl trying desperately to not twist himself to maintain the the arch while at the same time looking like he wanted nothing but twist himself out from it and make it all stop.

Rick was towering over Daryl and trying to hold his ass up while also feeling the need to push his torso down to reduce the unforgiving space remaining between them, they were entwined as he worked those gasps and smothered moans from Daryl’s lips every time  he nailed the core. He knew what a god damn prostate was, just didn’t know what it felt like and he still didn’t, wasn’t like he could feel much with his dick which, despite him being the one thrusting into Daryl, he felt like he was the one being assaulted whenever Daryl clenched around him when the thrusts hit right. He knew he could vaguely feel that something was there when he hit it but that was it, too much pleasure was riding through him, blinding the sensation and he hadn’t looked around enough with his fingers when he’d stretched the hole. But he knew what he was hitting and he kept the hips in place so he could keep his aim true, earning those sounds Daryl barely made, but when he did make them they were worth high weight in gold and more and Rick was the reason for them all. Now he just needed to break Daryl completely, wait for the moment he would fall apart and unfold completely, he couldn’t be far so Rick spat in his hand and reached for Daryl’s dick which was bobbing all lonely neglected and dark reddish plum colored at the tip, on his stomach. Rick never stopped thrusting, not forgetting about the building rise within himself as he started stroking Daryl’s dick in sync with his hips.

“Fuck.” Three more rough thrusts met with the movement of Rick’s hand had Daryl swearing and his body trembled in spasms. Daryl’s voice as he came was raw, a feral growl going straight down to Rick’s dick in a somewhat cruel mix of fear for his life and utter pleasure striking him as Daryl coated his own shirt and part of Rick’s fingers in the thick white fluid. Rick forgot about his own dick still being inside Daryl taking seconds just to absorb that look on his face, scrunched up like he was being overwhelmed and biting down with his jaws painfully clenching so he could control himself. Rick slowed down to give him a moment before he picked it up again despite Daryl’s oversensitive body leaving the man shaking and twitching at each and every thrust. Beneath him Daryl him lay before him like perfection incarnated and Rick was done not long after, spending himself cock still inside with a deep groan. He continued to roll his hips carefully, but exploringly, chasing the feeling despite growing sensitive himself, until he couldn’t take it anymore and had to still himself, cock slowly softening inside of Daryl and his body re-discovered how to relax half on top of the other man.

“Shit.” Daryl mumbled, still catching his breath but at least looked relived at not having to twitch every time his nerves lit up like fire in response to Rick.

“Yeah you haven’t been saying anything other than that and fuck.” Rick smiled for a while, turned his head to the side and looked at Daryl’s flushed cheeks and sweat heavy hair stringed to his face. For a while they both basked in the aftershocks of pleasure, with Daryl biting his lip and Rick trying to slow his breathing back to regular. He still knew the worry from before, hadn’t ever seen Daryl get drunk before and the prominent trace of bones was not forgotten, but he tried to think that they could deal with it later and for now just enjoy the post-gay sex which wasn’t gay. He was surprised that even after he hadn’t anything but enjoyed it. Usually after the deed was done some kind of realization was supposed to stab him in the back right? But there wasn’t anything like that, Rick just knew he had really fucking enjoyed it.

“Major Dick there kinda gave m’hard time.” He huffed and Rick was taken by surprise, not exactly the comment he was expecting but then again they had kind of just gone with the flow right and they’d offered themselves like free sacrifices to the god of the unexpected.

“Gotta clean up.” Daryl then said as he carefully sat himself up on the bed, making Rick move off and feel a bit bad about the rough treatment but before he could ask if Daryl was okay the guy managed to stand up, a bit unsteady on his feet probably because of the alcohol and the whole surprise anal sex with inpatient preparing out of instinct rather than knowing what to do. Rick’s eyes caught his semen slowly trailing down on the inside of Daryl’s thighs and Rick and could swear he felt his dick give a pathetic twitch as if it was ready to go again and explore his new marked territory. But Rick knew his dick better than his dick did and it wouldn’t be able to get up again. Didn’t make him to move his eyes from the sight though, Daryl however didn’t seem to care it was there, instead was intent on limping his way to the bathroom and get the water running. The sound from the shower pulled Rick out of his own head, knowing he had to clean up too, still somewhere mid inner-discussion with his dick that it didn’t matter how much it twitched, it wasn’t going to happen. So he too made his way, with less limping, to the bathroom. Half expecting some post-sex shower to just stay close but there was Daryl just using the showerhead to clean his ass and dick before stepping out from the tub and holding it in place of Rick and somewhere along the line Rick must have gotten drunk on the intimacy because he suddenly felt stupid for expecting anything like that.

“Don’t want to shower?” He asked a bit confused as he took it, attempting to try at least, watching Daryl grab a towel to dry up. One could argue Rick had other things to think about, like dude you just had sex with a guy and you’re not even questioning yourself or your need to cuddle after it. But Rick was used to the intimacy prevailing after the sex and that was not any different now, especially not after the connection he’d just felt.

“Nah” He replied not sure what the problem was. But he must have seen the confusion and maybe even the hint of hurt on Rick’s face. Daryl closed in, maybe a little shy and hesitant before he leaned forward, kissing Rick as if he was testing if it was still something they could do. It was, and Rick’s lips tingled while Daryl grabbed himself two more and Rick was happy to oblige. The kisses, despite not getting the joined shower, did serve as a tiny compensation and reassurance to Rick.

“Jus’ wanna sleep. You shower.” He said, grabbed one more kiss before limping out. Since Rick was already there, he did take a quick shower and just scrubbed his body down with soap before wrapping a towel around his waist. Daryl had managed to find himself a t-shirt to borrow, which was understandable because his own shirt had come on it and he’d pulled on his boxers. Rick amusedly thought it was more about the fact that he didn’t want to sleep in a shirt with buttons being the reason, rather than the evidence of filthy sex leaving cum on it. Still he was putting the sofa in order when Rick found him and he frowned.

“Can sleep in the bed you know.” He said and Daryl twitched as if he had been caught doing something wrong, looking up through his bangs he looked as if he had been expecting to be rejected, which was stupid after the post-sex kisses clarifying they were on a new plane together. Rick wouldn’t just sleep with someone, especially not a guy only to reject them later and if he was honest maybe he wouldn’t get to cuddle but at least sleeping together would be something to comfort him. Lingering issues of some kind, he guessed, could be holding Daryl to the hesitation so he closed in and confirmed that yes, the kissing was still definitely a thing and don’t you forget it. The new clothed kissing almost got them stuck in the living room, the swollen lips already red and sore from before but now the less rough and less desperate and more tender and reassuring ones had the rest of the world black out in darkness. Rick offered his hand and Daryl took it, making their way to the bedroom without a fight of hesitation this time. Rick discarded the towel and grabbed a pair of boxers while Daryl settled in under the duvets and Rick curled his body against Daryl when he was able to join him, warm as he had been the first time. Daryl didn’t deny him getting close, so maybe Rick would be getting some one sided cuddling after all. He knew for sure Daryl fell asleep before him, knew he probably needed it and Rick was right behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter including the naughty was also a new experience for me to write back when I did, but it's a start and I hope to get more used to it!


	12. The one side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They shared a night but as the morning is chasing the sleep away Rick can only wait and see what happens, he didn’t expect things to be so normal.

He didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to pull himself out of bed. Rick had really tried to sleep for as long as he could but where was his coma when he needed it? If last night was the last night for him he wouldn’t have too many regrets in his life and could sleep away happy. But now he couldn’t possibly know what the sober state of mind of either of them had to bring. He hadn’t thought Daryl was too drunk toward the end but he couldn’t say for sure because he had never actually seen him drunk. Rick groaned, silently to himself of course, opened one lid a tiny crack to take in the room, just making sure. He knew Daryl wasn’t in the bed anymore it was way too cold next to Rick and there were no light snores, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t inside the room.

He could feel his stomach anxiously aching from not knowing if he was screwed or if they were good, they must be good right? Daryl had said his name, the voice of it ringing through Rick’s memories and his hand sought itself to his scar where the tissue was familiarly tingling with some kind of lingering residue, almost aching like his stomach from worry but not really hurting. He pressed some harder on the fingertips against his scar and tried to breathe through the uncomfortable feeling brewing beneath the scar tissue. Last time he’d felt that had been the first time he had shared his bed with Daryl and he thought maybe he should be a bit careful of what he wished for, he didn’t actually want to slip into a coma again although it would remove a lot of his current troubles. But no, he wouldn’t allow himself to run away from them, at some point he’d have to make friends with Shane again, the guy tried when they were working and maybe he should have been forgiven a few weeks ago already but Rick didn’t really know what he felt regarding it anymore, it was just complicated.

He took a brief look at his scar, still a bit red on sight but it had begun fading in color, still it was long off from looking good, not that it ever would but as good as it could get. He trailed with his hand to his hip where the light bruising showed itself the evidence of hands that had clutched hard the night before and the remembered the raw sensation of need that had been coursing and electrifying together with Daryl, who most likely wore similar marks. Rick could have just imagined it, that it had been nothing but a dream, confusing at how it had felt so real but so lucid at the same time but the marks were definitely proof. He knew his shoulder also had proof, from teeth sinking into his skin as their bodies had moved together and he clearly told his dick a firm no when the memories started stirring and pooling blood into it, he did not need his dick rock hard so early in the morning.

What else was complicated was whatever future he had outside the bedroom door, considering it stood ajar as always and he could smell the coffee in its blitz attack. He chanced a hand over Daryl’s side, it wasn’t too cold and with coffee being the first thing both of them did in the morning he must have woken up just before Rick and snuck out. He took a deep breath as he heaved himself up to sit on the bed with his legs hanging over the edge, feet nudging the rug beneath and he took another and another. It did hit him though, it couldn’t be so bad if he was making coffee, meaning he hadn’t bolted yet and that’s definitely something he knew Daryl always looked to do, also knew Daryl never had, except from last night’s Friday dinner gathering. He had always stuck around with Rick but if he had one moment with reason enough to not stay, this morning would have been it. There was no trial, no hospital, no station, he was free to do whatever he wanted. Rick had just hoped he would have made it a little easier to leave the bedroom, like just staying in bed and sleep snuggled up which could say that things were fine, or wait on the bed and just tell him it was a mistake when he woke up and then leave. But no, now he had to face whatever was outside the ajar fucking bedroom door and it was going to give him stomach cramps beyond the ones already brewing, better just deal with it Rick Grimes, get your shit together.

Rick looked around for his discarded t-shirt but remembered it must be somewhere around the sofa and so if his shirt was there his pants must be too. But he had boxes on so it would have to make do while he hunted for his clothes, lost to his mind that he could just grab a fresh pair. Rick just had to take one more deep breath and steel himself before forcing his legs to work and head outside the bedroom. He tried to make his strolling by the kitchen as casual as he could, looking all to focused on the living room where his clothes were so he didn’t see what kind of face Daryl was making in there, but at least he found his pants. One leg was halfway under the sofa so he bent down to pull it out and then poke one leg into them, then the other and proceeded to pull them up and button the waistband shut but the more time he wasted in the living room the less brave he felt about facing the sober truth but he just had to get it done already. He found the t-shirt and pulled it on before quickly heading to the kitchen before he gave himself enough time to change his mind.

“Morning. Coffee?” He was asked straight out at the scene of Daryl in his borrowed t-shirt and the sweats he didn’t like but may just have started to secretly be okay with, judging by him actually wearing them on his own choice because his clothes were not being washed and dried by Rick these days. He didn’t look any different like he felt awkward after yesterday, rather, more rested than usual considering the last couple of weeks, he had been losing weight and looked hollowed so this sight was surely an improvement. A bit of a morning do in his hair, twisted tufts and so but other than that he looked calm and like he just wanted to offer Rick coffee like how they always did in the mornings lately. In fact he looked just like usual, which was even weirder.

“Sure.” He replied, following suit before even having time to decide how he wanted to respond, Rick’s mug was already on the countertop it just hadn’t been filled yet, so Daryl had already prepared it for him and now Rick could see him grabbing the pot and filling the mug with steaming and hot coffee which Rick was really looking forward to. Finding the words difficult to produce, because how did you open up a topic about hey, shoved my dick in you last night, is it a thing now or what are we doing? No, he didn’t know how to go about it, didn’t even know how he felt, he knew it had been great for him, intimate beyond normal but he had only ever done it with women before and before Lori he’d only had two girlfriends, one which hadn’t really counted even. Last night had sort of rushed upon them and happened before he even knew what was going on and when he did catch up to his bodies urges they were already going at it.

“So.” He said without really knowing how to continue but maybe if he tried Daryl would continue for him, seeing as he was the one who Rick thought would be running away from it all but now he was starting to think that it was in fact him that may be doing it instead. Daryl did not take the opening to help Rick sort out whatever it was.

“Gonna give Carol a call.” He announced as to redirect the attempt while passing Rick his mug of coffee and yeah, maybe that was a good idea for him to do considering she was probably worried as hell. Whatever they were he knew she would be a priority when it came to Daryl and wouldn’t start blaming him for doing it now, but it did make things more difficult for him.

“Alright.” He just replied, watching Daryl turn his head the way he had started doing whenever Rick used that word, if he couldn’t ask about it he could fish for the signs, like this one. Daryl still soaked himself in that word it seemed and that was a positive sign, Rick realized that must mean he may not be against what happened too much, rather leaning toward it happening again if they were both comfortable with it. Wait, was he thinking he was more than comfortable with the idea of it happening again? But it all came down to Daryl. He didn’t exactly scream like the type of guy who would enjoy himself with another man, Rick didn’t either but Daryl did even less so. It was even hard to imagine he had let himself into that position to begin with, rather like he would throw a punch at anyone attempting to get close, especially a man.

He must think it had been a mistake, a drunken mishap, Rick didn’t have much else to go on, except those last kisses and the reaction to the word. They had been like a confirmation that they could indulge themselves with each other hadn’t they? If you didn’t want to remain, you wouldn’t kiss after you were done but they had, unless he was just trying to let Rick down without him knowing it was coming, tucking him into a cocoon of security. It wasn’t like what they had done last night was something people accepted in Georgia and he doubted Daryl had been raised thinking any differently. Rather he would have been raised with it being wrong, slurs and names regarding that type of people and to most likely be among those who physically acted on their beliefs in less positive ways.

Rick didn’t even know where he was regarding the matter more than he was at least somewhat accepting of their preferences existing but he wasn’t anything himself, well he was starting to think about it for the first time ever because of last night, still the terms gay or bi didn’t sit right with him as a person and he had never found a man attractive in a sexual way before. If he looked at Daryl right now he wouldn’t say he flat out felt attracted to him, other than the guy having some unique features but he didn’t want to jump his bones because he was good looking. Rather he just felt a tingling craving for the man overall, to feel connected again and having those eyes watch him when they moved together, have those lips call his name like they had yesterday. He wasn’t attracted to men, he was sure of that but he was attracted to Daryl and how they fit together and he had been thinking about actually being comfortable enough to want more, he couldn’t deny that.

Speaking of eyes looking at him, Rick caught himself being watched and realized he hadn’t touched his coffee despite saying he wanted it when it had been offered. So he took the mug and started sipping on it. Like it had been Daryl’s cue to excuse himself he pulled his phone out and frowned, probably seeing all the missed calls or declined ones from last night, maybe Rick could even hope he remembered being an asshole too and make himself good on some reflection on mannerism. Daryl tucked the phone back into his pocket, Daryl was one of the few people who had an older button type of phone, all people were about these days were technology and smart phones, but the old one fit Daryl and it also fit in a pocket which seemed like a win-win to the man.

“’s early tho’.” He added, considerate of not waking Carol after noting the time. Rick thought the time was around 5:30 AM. Maybe 6 even, considering Daryl was always up around those hours, but then again if he had slept with alcohol in his system it may be even later than that.

“Feeling hung over?” Rick asked with what little courage to try and bring up whatever thread to spin on their intimate encounter had drained and the timing to push the issue had been more or less lost.

“Mmh, got better after coffee.” Daryl responded and raised his mug. Rick smiled against the porcelain edge of his own, somehow he didn’t think Daryl could get completely hung over, if it was based on the typical redneck stereotype Rick didn’t know, but the image he painted didn’t look too off. When Rick got drunk he always felt it for two days so he rarely did, knowing surviving those two days were a pain in the ass and he’d been having the hung over issue since he turned twenty, which was way too early to be too old to drink. Shane could still go at it strong, he would get one hell of a hung over in the morning yes but it always passed after a few hours and some greasy food. But in the end it didn’t matter too much, Rick wasn’t much of a drinker anyway, some beer or whiskey every now and then but never the party kind of guy.

“Sticking around today?” He asked, knowing they were closing in on Sunday and it was always a little touch and go when it came to Daryl. Sometimes he stayed Saturday, sometimes he didn’t. He looked to be considering it but then shook his head and shifted his weight to lean his hip against the countertop, the move did not go as unnoticed by Rick as he thought it should. Right, he was definitely growing more attracted to Daryl knowing what it could be after a simple taste, so he looked to his mug instead to distract himself.

“Nah, gonna go huntin’.” He said and Rick nodded, either Daryl just wanted to hunt out of habit or he was saying he needed space and some time to clear his head, Rick figured needing space was the closest to correct as he would get at the moment. He knew he could use some time too, sort his thoughts through so he didn’t just look at Daryl and his brain sent the image of desire straight down to his lower region, he wasn’t young and needy anymore but he sure felt like he was a tragic sap closing in on something damn close to it.  At the same time he wanted Daryl to stay, but knew he couldn’t get both and though they were past the baby steps this new territory was unexplored, it wouldn’t do the much good to go in blind. Not to say the urge and need to do it anyway wasn’t there, almost a sensation of excitement for the unknown, what it could be, but it would be reckless.

“Okay.” He said but looked up when he got nothing in return. Daryl looked a bit spaced out, hip against countertop and he wasn’t even fiddling with the mug like he would normally do, just still like the surface on a lake when there were no winds and no will to bite from the life beneath it.

“Daryl?” He asked and the head twitched while he came back to the kitchen, straightening up and putting the mug down on the countertop.

“Gonna borrow t’shower.” He said and scooted the mug a bit further in out of the habit of Rick carrying Judith around and the tiny hands grabbing for everything close to her. Rick frowned slightly, never really got used to Daryl losing his sense of awareness when he was all about knowing his surroundings. He would let his guard down nowadays in Rick’s presence sure, even relax like he was comfortable but that wasn’t like these moments when he zoned out completely, surely feeling comfortable at Rick’s and presence may be causing him to get lost in thought but still, he was way too disconnected for it to be normal for him.

“Yeah sure.” He said with some hesitation and Daryl left the kitchen.

While the shower was running Rick took the time to whip up some scrambled eggs for the two of them, ignoring his brains attempt to picture the image underneath that stream of water. He didn’t know after all, what Daryl’s body would look completely naked but he figured he had a natural muscle mass on his torso just as he did on arms and legs, had seen how they shifted in strength from his hips and legs compared to shoulders and arms, the skin would be paler though. Rick almost burned the eggs by his own created distraction and had to quickly pull himself together. He would almost count it as actually looking for attraction in the parts of a man, the only reason why he didn’t was because in the beginning of it all he had only thought about it because he didn’t know how the water would flow on Daryl’s skin. Had it been a male body shown right in the moment and he had started thinking about it, that would be the moment he would question his sexuality. But he’d only wondered because it had been Daryl.

Rick quickly put an end to his thoughts knowing his dick had been keen to respond to any SOS calls since last night, he even feared that it may twitch in interest when Daryl got out of the shower smelling of Rick’s soap. He was past thirty already, so it shouldn’t be that easy for his dick to swing and sing all it wanted, whenever it wanted to, without Rick’s consent, yet it was trying to look for any excuse to do so.

He divided the eggs for them on two plates and grabbed his with him to the kitchen table, leaving the second one on the countertop for Daryl when he got back. Rick knew he needed to find something to do the entire day if Daryl was going to be away, he could clean and organize he guessed, didn’t sound like too much fun but he didn’t have much else to do unless he wanted to sprawl out on the sofa and watch shit TV shows all day long. Even if Daryl had chosen to stick around would that even have been something good? Wasn’t like Rick could expect some close quarter bonding time and develop this new territory, what some kind of cozy smooching on the couch? Rick felt the blush spreading at his cheeks as he shoved eggs into his mouth, yeah right.

He didn’t have any shifts until Monday either, he could stop by the station and see if he could do some work anyway but the thought wasn’t very tempting either. All in all he was left with few options to solve his problem, maybe he would visit Lori and the kids, see how she was doing and settling in, that could work he thought, whatever it took to keep himself busy.

He finished his eggs while Daryl finished his shower, joining Rick in the kitchen with half wet hair and back in his worn down jeans and shirt with ripped sleeves, Rick hadn't expected any less. He sat with his refill and had opened a magazine he was flipping through without really reading anything on the pages. Daryl didn't take long before he took the plate and sat down in his usual spot since the dinners and breakfast meetings.

"They're probably half cold, sorry." Rick said with a little smile while he watched as Daryl started shoving the food into his mouth.

"'s alright." He said between two chews, still not minding table manners too much but they had all grown used to that by now. Except Carol maybe, she could make him eat properly with just one look. It was always amusing to watch, the way he ate, but you didn't get to look for too long without earning a glare asking you what the fuck you were staring at but Rick had learned when to look away just in time to avoid those moments. When he thought about it the only time he'd seen Daryl eat slowly was the grilled fish back when they had gone fishing.

"When are you leaving to hunt? Was thinking of visiting the kid's at their mom's, just so I know what  time I should give them when I call Lori." He asked and watched as Daryl stopped chewing on his last bite just to look at him, two seconds, three turning into four before he snapped back and swallowed the bite and giving Rick a shrug.

"Soon I guess." He replied before bringing the mug to his lips.

"Oh." Rick said, thinking he'd be leaving a bit later than he was apparently, half hoping it wouldn’t have been so soon. But then again with hunting you wanted to be out early right? But the crack of dawn was over so that didn't really matter anymore. Rick collected the plates from the table and went to the sink to leave the dishes there, knowing Daryl would want to clean them and Rick would be at the end of a threat or two if he didn't get to do it. Daryl followed after tossing back the last of his coffee and as guessed, he started the tap and waited for the hot water to replace the cold before filling the sink half full to start cleaning.

Rick just couldn't tell if he was awkward or comfortable which was unusual. Daryl may not be the most open book in town but at least you could see when he felt out of place or comfortable, which he was neither right now, he just was present and Rick came to terms with the fact that unless he asked straight out he wouldn't get any light on their current standings. He was standing close while Daryl was washing the plates, but in the end he tucked his tail between his legs and when Daryl was done he picked up his pack of smokes from the balcony and left like he was late already. Rick was left standing in his apartment, none the wiser because he had chickened out.

 

* * *

 

Rick did go to Lori's and though he was happy to see the kids he almost regretted going when she started talking about him forgiving Shane already, like she had a rightful part in their dispute and was saying the same kind of things that Shane had. Lori may be beautiful, a good mother and had been a great wife but she could be a bit stuck on her views and when she started saying that it shouldn't have mattered, that Shane was more important than some unknown person who wasn't even liked by the town he started feeling annoyed, like he was having the conversation all over again with Shane. At least she didn't know, Carl hadn't said anything and Shane was unaware too, aside from picking him up from the bar and the car breaking down Rick and Daryl didn't have a deeper relationship to their knowledge.

"Shane did tell you the younger brother helped him despite him hating his guts right?" He asked her and she pursed her lips, like that was beside the point but it confirmed that he had mentioned it to her. Maybe not in the way that would he should have, judging by the look on Lori’s face but it had probably been close enough to the truth.

"It's not beside the point Lori and it doesn't even matter who it was, Shane fucked up in general you know that. He's a cop." He said and at least she seemed to understand that.

"Yes, you're right but he's still your best friend you know?" She tried to reason.

"Even more reason to let it hurt for him, maybe he'll learn." She shook her head at his response, she didn't agree. Lori was a talk it through kind of girl and usually when they had been married he'd just settled to her wishes since he wasn't one. Though if you compared their relationship to his and Daryl's now wasn't he the talk it through guy? Not counting him chickening out earlier that morning. Maybe, but he refused to see it as similar, Lori did it to agitate and get things her way, Rick did it to calm Daryl and in the end they didn't get very far anyway.

"Okay Rick, just, think about it alright? I'm sure you know what you're doing but he misses you." Rick turned his head to her and raised an eyebrow.

"You talk a lot these days?" He asked, knowing they were friends since Rick started dating Lori.

"Well you're not around him Rick, who do you think he goes to?" She stated fair and square and he thought about it for a while. Wouldn't surprise him if Lori got Shane to help her out with everything she needed either.

"I guess, just surprised, usually we can never get a serious talk with him." Rick laughed shortly and Lori smiled, remembering all the times they had listened to Shane's bullshit, all the women who dumped him when they noticed he was an asshole and him joking about never getting anything serious. He could if he tried, they both had told him that but he had waved them off, said it wasn't for him. He had been there for Rick when the divorce happened though, they had talked a lot on the phone and in the end it had led Rick to move back to his home town and Shane hadn't joked around once when Lori had her breakdown with the baby.

"He will talk if you ask him to, I think he would now." She said. They had been spending time in the park, taking a break after a walk with Judith, looking like a married couple again, sitting together on a bench with Judith's stroller between them.

"Yeah, maybe. Thanks." Rick said and put a hand on her shoulder, a tad bit surprised that the touch was allowed until he remembered this was Lori and not what he had grown used to with Daryl. He was used to some kind of spark in the tips of his fingers when the touch wasn't avoided, like a small victory. With Lori it was just ordinary, comforting in a way because she was familiar but there was nothing more to it in the end. He retracted his hand after. Other than putting her nose between Shane and Rick she seemed to be doing fine which Rick honestly was really happy about for her sake.

They stayed for a while longer at the park before they went back and he declined her offer to stay for dinner. He should probably have stayed because he didn't know if Daryl would be back to his place anymore this weekend but he may stop by so Rick wanted to be home just in case and he left Lori's just before they started setting out the plates. What waited for him that evening was an apartment empty with nothing much to do but clean like he had already planned to do. So he did, he started a machine of laundry with barely anything in it, cleaned the bathroom spotless  by scrubbing all the tiles and corners he could reach and he removed all the items in the drawers and wiped them on the inside. Cleaning was helpful and in somewhat need too, the buzzing noise of the vacuum cleaner, the fresh smell of soap spreading through the apartment, he even put up fresh curtains in all the rooms and then changed the bed sheets.

In the end there was still no sign of Daryl and when he checked his phone there was nothing there either. Not that Daryl was very fond of the device but he could send a text or call before coming by, usually he always made sure it was okay despite Rick telling him over and over that it was alright to come by whenever he felt like it, but Daryl had said that since Rick worked different shifts every week it was better to check first, to which Rick couldn't argue against. He wasn't letting the empty apartment have him worry about whatever between them was shifting, if it was good or if it was bad, he didn't clean to pass time and keep himself busy to not worry about something like that and it was definitely not why he called Carol.

"Hey Carol, did you hear from Daryl yet?" He asked straight out when remembering the man had said he would call her during the morning so he probably had but Rick wanted to make sure, if not he wanted to give her the update regarding yesterdays missing dinner guest. He should have called her earlier, didn't know why he hadn't. While he'd been at Lori's he hadn't had the focus to do it but before and after that? He had even been cleaning so much he was wearing those damn yellow rubber gloves Carol had left at his place telling the two of them, with a tease to her voice, that the water would be the death of their hands while washing the dishes and they should take better care of them. Fortunately they managed to get her to stop before she even brought up hand lotion, didn't stop her from bringing it later anyway and now Rick had a tube in the neatly organized bathroom after the cleaning.

 _"Rick, I was just about to call you._ She said instead of greeting him, sounding surprised over the line at the timing of his call.

 _"Why?"_ She asked, latching onto the possible reason like a leech.

"Just he said he would call you, before he left this morning, just wanted to check in and see if he did." Rick felt his stomach grumble in protest and he realized he had forgotten to eat dinner, been too busy cleaning up, maybe he would just go get some take out or he could just heat some leftovers from Carol’s cooking last night.

 _"He did call, got back from his hunt an hour ago."_  She said and Rick didn't have anything to answer her. He’d called her, he’d gone hunting, just like he said he would so there wasn’t supposed to be a problem, yet he couldn’t let go of the feeling of there being one. Although it could just be he decided to do it later and focus on the tracking and he wouldn’t leave his phone on during a hunt so.

“Right, didn’t think he’d leave you hanging all day.” Rick exhaled a breath, forcing some worry out of his chest because now he was just being wired wrong, paranoid because he’d not been able to wrap his head around what the two of them were doing.

 _“He said he was sorry for yesterday and then said we shouldn’t come to Atlanta with him tomorrow like we had planned to, Sophia was looking forward to it since we haven’t gone for two weeks.”_ She explained and he crunched his eyebrows together, even less able to make any sense of what was going on more than Daryl getting keener to the idea of privacy, which could mean possible weeks of him not showing his face and even if the general area wasn’t that large he knew from before that running into him was not an easy feat. But he wouldn’t just out of nowhere decline Sophia, so maybe he had a good reason to be worried and had cleaned his ass off pretending he didn’t.

“Did he say why?” He asked.

 _“No, but he spent the night at your place at least, right?”_ She asked and images of the previous night flashed by in front of him. He willed them away because that was not what Carol meant at all.

“Yeah, came by late, shit Carol he was drunk you know?” He said and when she was quiet he knew Daryl hadn’t told her any details more than giving her a sorry and probably mentioning he went to Rick’s place. Well, too late now, why was it even a secret, it’s not like they hadn’t had alcohol before, not like the brothers had gotten dragged into the station because of intoxication. At some point he was bound to see Daryl drunk and drunk Daryl apparently had a hard time keeping the breaks on acting out because of his temper.

 _“Drunk? Well that’s unusual.”_ She continued, sounding hurt and Rick could understand that. She may have been a bit forceful with the dinners but she hadn’t expected he would just ditch them to drink.

“Must have had a bad day at work, or it’s just Merle spooking around again.” He said and Carol hummed in thought over the line, they both knew that he was still having a hard time dealing with Merle being gone and that they couldn’t fill the void, maybe if he would let them but he wasn’t.

 _“Could be, what about what you said before, something being off remember? Is it related?”_ She asked and waited for Rick to give himself a moment to think about it. She could be on to something, up until a few weeks ago things had been going well so he hadn’t had that feeling for a while but as she mentioned it he couldn’t ignore it.

“Maybe, he wasn’t much different this morning though. Could be a slip, but there could be more behind it too, he hasn’t given me much to go on.” He explained knowing it wouldn’t help them any at all.

 _“Alright, so we give him space if he wants it.”_ She said. Carol would trust Daryl enough to come through if he wanted to because she knew she was the same, had been the same and for a long time unable to break out of her curse. It was their mutual understanding bringing them close enough to be friends. Didn’t matter how many squad cars passed by their house, nothing had changed until she decided it for herself even if she did get some help on convincing herself she had still done it all on her own. Daryl had never told her to call himself, only reasoned around it.

“Okay, yeah.” Rick said while he opened the fridge to look at his option at home before he’d decide for take-out or not.

 _“Okay then, call me if anything changes?”_ She asked, same dose of worry that Rick was soothing in his chest. It was probably Merle spooking, little else could have such effect on Daryl, could have had a fight the Sunday before, maybe strained even before that considering his behavior the last couple of weeks. That was probably it or just the extension of missing him catching up and he’d ended up having a drink too many. He had been normal during the morning, like nothing was really different, but who was that normal after you’ve just slept with a guy drunk off your ass? Maybe he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and Rick could go along with that despite his newly awoken interest.

“Yeah of course.” He said and decided for the leftovers, taking them out and putting the food on a plate so he could heat it up in the microwave while saying good bye to Carol. Still throughout the dinner Rick couldn’t really concentrate on his appetite. Which was amazing considering Carol’s cooking skills were off the charts and something like that shouldn’t have been possible, except when you had those heaving breaths echoing in your head, that intense flex of muscles of bodies moving in front of your eyes and a dick twitching in your pants telling you that it had definitely been something you enjoyed more than you thought you would have. But Rick tried to control himself, he wasn’t about to go jerk off in the shower with Daryl on his mind, felt wrong when he didn’t know what was going on and out of curiosity he looked up some gay porn but felt nothing while watching even similar sized and shaped men going at it. He closed the tab and shut the laptop off, nope, they didn’t do anything for him.

The police drama shit show had been on same hour as always during the weekend, the one he and Daryl would usually watch together and comment on the bad forensics or criminals and well, actors who didn’t do much to make them believable. But he settled to watch the episode, bored all the way through it and feeling Saturday ticking away painfully slow for the second half of it. He kept checking his phone only to have it empty every time he did and in the end went to get his whiskey before settling back down on the sofa, a little liquid comfort to the comedy show which had been next in line, it wasn’t very funny but he didn’t have anything else to watch. He didn’t have much whiskey, just the one glass before he pushed it away on the coffee table and tipped himself over on the sofa and stretched his legs out, invading Daryl’s side of it and propped his head onto the armrest with a sigh before he continued to be bored with the moving pictures in front of him, successfully suffering through the horrible comedy before Friends came on. He liked that show better and it managed to entertain him despite the sullenness which had crept onto him after he stopped cleaning, in the end it was only two episodes but damn he loved the chicken the Joey got for Chandler and then when Chandler came back with the duck when he couldn’t return the chicken.

Daryl hadn’t been one to choose Friends as a show to watch, but when he’d spend the evening at Rick’s, after the cop show and follow up comedy, Rick would manage to keep them on the sofa and he was sure that Daryl had gotten at least a little bit of interest in the show since the first time. Rick would say the show grew on him and he held back any teasing because he’d love the small huffs Daryl would try to sneak beyond Rick’s knowledge. Whenever Rick was close to failing Daryl would pick up on it and go for a smoke to avoid getting busted. Well at least Rick hoped that was it, he didn’t think Daryl had seen the chicken and the duck episodes, but he hoped he would one day. Those little critters could charm anyone.

The roaring sound of a motorcycle engine brought his attention the second he heard it and he instantly checked his phone but there was nothing and he couldn’t see the parking lot from any of his windows or the balcony, but it could be Daryl couldn’t it? Rick sat up on the sofa and waited but the doorbell never rang and there wasn’t a knock on the door even after 10 minutes and Rick had to acknowledge that it had just been false hope. He slumped back down a little deeper on the sofa, just because it was a motorcycle, despite few people around this apartment complex having one as distinct as Daryl’s it didn’t mean it would be him just because it was close. But damn his reaction had been a little too lame and intense? He wasn’t going to lie that he’d hoped Daryl would come by but he hadn’t realized he’d been waiting on him like he’d waited on Santa when he was a kid. He didn’t even have a plan on what to do if he even showed and he wasn’t even sure what was going on so it was impossible to start making one now. But he couldn’t know if things were okay between them until he met Daryl again, if he’d been a mistake and dirt under his shoes or if they were good. The man had become part of his life so it was natural to worry when this not knowing was threatening their relationship.

He felt his nerves finally calming during the next thirty minute episode of Simpsons, he’d never been much into lately but it sufficed to shower the living room in buzzing noise and it only took one episode before he pressed the off button on the TV, no longer in the mood for more shows. Rick stashed back the whiskey he hadn’t touched after the one glass and successfully ignored any further engine noise coming from outside. The glass went into the sink and he rinsed it off without cleaning it, he could do that tomorrow and he was soon back on the couch, way too wired up to sleep and honestly not exactly ready to risk missing Daryl if he came by.

 


	13. The other side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They shared a night but as the morning is chasing the sleep away and Daryl can only get up and try to control himself and act as normal as he can.

Shit. He could feel the headache booming in his head, splitting and cleaving like there was no tomorrow from him, no today either. Not only his head but his lower half was still sore too and his brain all to kind on letting him remember every second of him and Rick, together, fuck they actually slept together. He’d been on the couch, he’d needed Rick’s presence because it felt good and at some point it all turned when he slipped and said his name. The next thing he knew they were just looking at each other, god those lost for souls eyes that always looked to find the ground missing beneath Daryl’s feet for some stupid reason. Rick never had the right to just swoop in and become part of his life, he hadn’t just done it either he’d claimed his part in it no matter the times Daryl had stubbornly rejected the man and marked the limits. Rick was sweet, he shouldn’t have been after all the trouble Daryl had been to him and especially when he’d been hated pretty much up to Merle getting stabbed and yet he’d never given up on whatever he saw, shit he was probably delusional or going strong on some kind of goody two shoes complex.

One eyelid opened slowly then the second followed as soon as he managed to get it working. He sat up in the bed, smothering a yawn that would most likely be too loud. Daryl turned his head and looked at the man sleeping next to him, once again they had spooned together and it really felt better than Daryl was willing to admit after the initial awkwardness and uncomfortable strikes across his skin was over. Rick had been touching him more lately, again and Daryl was growing okay with it. After the trial things had been a bit shaky, thought for a while he didn’t want to be around Rick anymore but that he had some kind of obligated to do so, then Carol forced him to come to the Friday evening dinner at the Grime’s and it had been real obscure and awkward, at least he got to do the dishes. Then they had sort of continued and Rick was back into his life, not to mention he owed him for Michonne no matter how many times Rick said that it wasn’t something for him to worry about, as if Daryl could just stop feeling guilty.

Daryl watched the sleeping form, some curls crawling over Rick’s cheek and temple, the beard he’d trimmed not so long ago probably early week since it hadn’t been this short the weekend before. Shit, he’d been spending more weekends with Rick than weekdays with the kids. But he had been so tired, drained and frankly he didn’t think it would do the kids much good to have him around when he felt like a ghost and at Rick’s he could just sleep after Carol dragging his ass over. He’d kissed those lips yesterday and he hadn’t disliked it, rather they had been some kind of release, like this had been on the way for a while and he just hadn’t known about it. He carefully let his fingers slip out from Rick’s, tips up and sliding against the skin as if to savor the feel of it because he had to let go, he let the fingers travel to the damaged side. The scarring wasn’t pretty but Rick didn’t hide it, looked like a bullet but he couldn’t be too sure, Rick had only mentioned the coma before but not how it had happened. He had lived in Atlanta before and worked for the law there too, then it could have been a shooting. Though he was frowning at the tissue that had patched his wound together, it was still the mark that could have taken Rick and he would never have moved back here and Daryl wouldn’t ever have met him.

He was still touching over the ridges in sync with the snoozing snores, memorizing the pattern of the scar as if it was his job. Didn’t matter that Rick was just temporarily infatuated with the idea that he could help someone, Daryl would remember him when he was gone. He just hadn’t planned on letting himself get so attached to the idea of someone other than Merle, other than Carol because she was a friend, he couldn’t really call Rick that but he also didn’t know what to call him. At some point Rick would get bored of his charity case and Daryl had accepted that, this was just temporary.

The headache didn’t lessen and when Rick stirred Daryl pulled his hand away as fast and careful as he could and pushed himself up from the bed. He shouldn’t linger, he should however be making coffee because he could really use a mug or two. So he left the bedroom quietly, heard a noise of protest as his weight lifted from the bed but Rick still looked to be sound asleep so he continued out to find the borrowed sweats. He really wasn’t a huge fan of the daddy-family like t-shirts and sweats but they worked, he couldn’t deny they were pretty comfortable when you were watching TV. But comfortable and useful were different things and in the end they were useless when they wouldn’t survive a hunt or regular maintenance work, they would forever be shit. He had to take it slow as he lifted the sweats over his foot, for something that had been feeling good last night it sure was a pain in the morning, he ignored it as good as he could, got up and started on the coffee.

He would have to call Carol at some point, get her off his back for yesterdays behavior tell her sorry at least once because they were probably running out of time and even if he dashed his lungs out of his chest trying to chase after and keep up with it he just knew it was futile in the end. Same went for Rick, he felt like a promise that would break too, nothing ever stayed intact when it came to Daryl’s life, especially promises. It had when Merle was around, he wasn’t flawless but he worked like a desperate duct tape fix, not that he was any good at promises either and that was gone too, now it was just a matter of time before all of it was lost.

Rick stirred about in the apartment just after Daryl had gotten his mug and started swallowing the bitter taste of coffee down, soothing his headache. It was a rare thing for the alcohol to kick his ass the day after, with his body accustomed to it since long but then again he hadn’t drank as much as he did last night in a very long time. Maybe as late as his twenties, but after that he had to keep an eye on Merle and frankly he felt like it was hard to get wasted even if he drank a lot. The two of them had been used to the frequent company of liquor.

“Morning. Coffee?” He asked as soon as Rick stepped into the kitchen, trying to keep his nerves down because he really didn’t need them acting up right now. He had already placed a mug out for him. Rick was like the sun on his face in the morning where he stood, somewhat at loss at the question maybe but he did, bright and with the creaks of sleep still on his face, too bright for Daryl. When he said _sure_ Daryl grabbed the pot and filled the mug. He heard the tone of the _So_ Rick used and felt his skin crawl. Before the man could even get any further he needed to stop it from progressing into ugly truths.

“Gonna give Carol a call.” He said, knowing it was too early to actually do it. He had slept past dawn at least, but he passed the mug to Rick and he almost gave in to the moment when Rick used that damn word of his, how his voice curled in the Georgia accent in that particular way of his and it was always close to bring him down to his knees. Shit well last night it had, the name lingered on his lips just like the kisses did and he willed the porcelain tip to rest on them so it could help to smother and detach the feeling. It was hard though, especially when Rick seemed to space out for a second too long after he had hit him with that fucking word. The feeling couldn’t be too far from being hit by a truck, Daryl guessed. He felt his chest stir at the twist of his accent, as it always did and he couldn’t help turning his head toward Rick, controlling him like a puppet so easily and Daryl wondered if Rick knew and was doing it intentionally or if he was oblivious to how it affected Daryl.

He needed to call Carol but it was stupid to call so early but it was a good excuse, shit she would probably still be sleeping but if he didn’t call her today she’d pinch his ear and pull him to the table and sit him down the next time she saw him, tune her voice to that shrill scolding one of hers. He didn’t say much else when his eyes on Rick told him the guy had zoned back out, counting the seconds while he continued to drink on his coffee, Rick’s remained neglected.  Daryl could guess what he was busy in his mind about, regrets most likely, that he should stop coming around after last night, what the hell had he thinking, any form of bashing really. Well, at least Daryl had been influenced by alcohol and could blame it on something. Yet Rick hadn’t kicked him out, not that he could be sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, he didn’t really know what he wanted after last night, just knew Rick had a way of making things alright and though he didn’t think he needed someone like that, had never needed to depend on anyone else for it, if it was Rick then maybe he could re-evaluate his point of view. Daryl picked his phone up to check the time, watching the screen instead of Rick before shoving it back into his pocket.

“’s early tho’.” Daryl settled for just after Rick had come back to life and realized he had the mug of coffee neglected in his hands.

“Feeling hungover?” Rick asked him and yea, his head had been pounding in the morning but the coffee had sorted out the worst of it for him.

“Mmh, got better after coffee.” He replied and didn’t know why Rick had that tiny smile on his lips as he put the edge of the mug to them. Daryl’s gut twisted at that smile, Rick may not be a talker like his friend Shane but he had these features and expressions so simple but so natural he didn’t really have to spout words. Or maybe he just didn’t feel the need to explain himself at all times when it came to Daryl and even enjoyed leaving him clueless. They hadn’t really spent a lot of time together with other people besides Carol and Sophia, at the Greene’s maybe? No he’d been the same back then too, when he had come around the tree that Carl, Daryl and Judith had been at, he’d teased Daryl to the point where he’d have to smother a flush because Rick’s daughter had apparently taken a liking to him and had continued to do so when Daryl finally kicked himself in the ass later on and told himself to give himself a fraction of a chance. When he had she’d attached herself to him like he was the sky and stars and grabbed at his beard, his hair, the hem of his shirt and whatever else was close enough for her short arms. He was sure the girl was some kind of miniature god, able to melt giants with her giggles and when he’d held her for the first time he hadn’t broken her like he had expected and she hadn’t cried like he was a monster. He wasn’t exactly the ideal choice for someone to supervise a baby and he sure wasn’t ever going to be, but at least she liked him.

“Sticking around today?” Rick asked and Daryl, remembering he was running out of time before he needed to go visit Merle in Atlanta, felt like he should be getting home instead of wasting time at Rick’s. But he also wanted to stay, he settled for neither.

“Nah, gonna go huntin’.” Better get his head on straight, get some distance and perspective maybe to avoid repeating past mistakes. Some fresh air and focus, clean up his bow and maintain it for the future, he needed that. Still he knew he would be going over and over about last night as soon as the thrill of the hunt was over, like how he could look at Rick now and knowing he wanted to close the distance between them but wasn’t ready to allow it the way he wanted to do it, like it was actually something honest. He needed it to be pretense if he did, live on the lies within his chest for a bit longer. Didn’t change the fact that he was aware of it all, lies or truth, didn’t change the fact that he was too much of a coward to learn what Rick thought right now, to ask how they fit together in this absurd picture they had created. He needed a shower, needed to burn and sting his skin with high temperature and when he finally heard his name being called he knew he’d missed something Rick had said. He put down the mug that was doing nothing for him.

“Gonna borrow t’shower.” He simply stated and then scooted the mug toward the inner area of the countertop to safe-keep the mug from grabbing hands.

Opting for a shower in his current state of mind had been like a doubled edged sword. There was the calm and cleaning burning on his skin from the raised temperature of the water to almost scorching but there were also the slots in his head which allowed thoughts to be considered. Therefore it wasn’t a fool proof plan to escape, to silence his brain and definitely go get some space between him and Rick. He had the feeling they would come around to the topic of last night if he’d stayed, better keep the first interaction short and let the second adjust accordingly. That’s how you dealt with it. _Dealing or running away, shut up._

Fuck if he knew anyway, the only thing he knew for sure was that he needed the hunt today, the shower doing somewhat something but also nothing. At least he could alternate between the burning and then lean himself against the cool tiles for a cold shock, almost that, what they call it, shock-therapy? Though it was with electricity from what he’d heard. Pads to the head, strapped down and the entire kit, well the shower was similar the first five minutes and it kind of worked for him, but then the tiles started heating up from the water and the steam and ended up useless.

Maybe he’d have to really thing about things instead of ignoring it all, what Rick was in the end, safe to say they weren’t exactly friends, but he liked Rick and shit if Merle could see him he’d laugh his ass off, making friends with a cop. He needed a better word for their relationship already because it was always back and forth about what to call him, sometimes friends suited because he had nothing else to use and others there just wasn’t a single letter straight in that word. Rick was, just some weird snake like exception that had crawled into his life for some fucking reason, though Rick was smart he was pretty stupid too, Daryl couldn’t understand why he’d bother so much and he couldn’t really deal with having these thoughts again after all this time. For some reason he did and here Daryl was, unable to find a suitable term for him, thinking of a evening in the smell of nature, the old oak tree just swaying softly above them in the wind. The kids around and the steps he’d already learned to recognize that sought his attention, that warm evening he laid eyes on the proof of hard work, soaking humid button down, shiny skin at the collar open roughly two buttons showing his throat. The way he stood and teased like it was all natural.

The way he’d talk to Daryl like he mattered, that voice of his being able to reach through his anger even when he was lost to it, like at the hospital. Shit he had even whirled him into a wall last night because that shit head of a father Sophia had and Rick still hadn’t given up on what, caring for him or something. Rick actually felt honest about it further than just a charity case, Daryl couldn’t trust that. Who the fuck in their right mind would care about the Dixon’s and how had he managed to find two small families pretending to do it in such a short time? He’d have Dale before, the kind old man but he had always been an outsider and couldn’t dispel the curse of his life like Rick or Carol could, like their kids could as if they were ancient masters of the art but Daryl still cared about the old man when it came down to it. Maybe he was just weak against the people who had been able to accept his mess of a brother and it made him fine with the lies for the time he was around.

Then blasting heat and the water pouring down Rick’s throat with the sun shining straight on it back at Carol’s, every swallow keeping his attention whenever he was about to let go, he hadn’t thought about it too much back then, but now he did. He’d been furious at Carol for calling him, she should have known all too well how he felt about the man back then, but Rick hadn’t taken it to heart he thought and he had managed to find the right way to go about it.

He had been a sight for sore eyes and thinking about it now had his dick responding when he really was neither in the mood for it nor did he find the time appropriate. But it called him back to how Rick touched him, how he’d grown desperate and multiplied Daryl’s apparent needs which he hadn’t known he had. Daryl had needed the roughness of it all, to numb his mind and Rick had given him that. _Alright_. Daryl dispelled the flowing blood to his nether region by forcing his forehead into the tiles with a heavy thud, effectively willing his boy down and he noticed his hand had traveled to his pelvis without him even being aware of it. Shit he liked Rick.

Daryl wrapped the shower up pretty fast after his little realization, it wasn’t grand and wasn’t going to be anywhere near it, but it was enough to put him on edge. He wasn’t good for that shit, he wasn’t made for it and surely he wouldn’t every stand a chance on being enough for someone like Rick so there wasn’t any point. The only person he’d ever fought to keep in his life had been Merle and well, they were born into the same family built on a mutual trust to fight the world because it was against them. Aside from that he hadn’t had any interest in looking for others which, the entire world seemed to be obsessed about. People were so desperately looking for people to share their life with, as if they were afraid to spend it alone, he couldn’t understand that and frankly he’d never felt that need, well except being dangerously close to finding it now.

Only time he’d remotely felt anything like it, had been back in high school with that blonde chick which he couldn’t even remember the name of at the time. She hadn’t been very popular but then again, you’d have to be unpopular to even go close to the bottom of the pyramid where he’d been. She’d been alright, one chilly December morning she’d appeared out of nowhere, thanks to his dear dad slamming his head into the wall and leaving him half deaf with ears still ringing, unable to notice her approach and sat down before Daryl could protest. She had whipped out a smoke and she didn’t say anything throughout the entire stick. When she did leave, she simply said thanks, before strutting off. Daryl had no idea what she had been grateful about.

They had talked some after that, some morning they’d just meet up but they had no pattern to it. She’d been older than him, a senior at the time and Daryl had been a junior so they weren’t in any classes together and he couldn’t say he’d met her before so they really had nothing in common except the shared dead mornings. So he had finally asked her what she was doing and she had frowned at the question, he specified with asking why she joined him in the early dead of mornings. She’d spaced out for a while and Daryl had fiddled with the smoke in his fingers, waiting for it all to turn out to be some kind of game at his expense but then she took a breath and said “ _you never talk to anyone, it looked nice. People talk too much, sometimes I get wrapped into their world and when I finally come to my senses and break loose it feels like shit. Last time it happened I saw you, I just sat down and I was right, it was nice”._ She’d been something different but they never got together. In the end they just remained and she moved away after graduating, maybe he could have gotten together with her but they just hadn’t seemed like a pair. It had been something they both had agreed on after talking about it once, as a joke neither bought and none had played blind and desperate, just a shared understanding that they had to fend for themselves.

They hadn’t even been young and stupid, not the typical high school young and stupid of falling in so called shit ass love and getting busted drinking and stealing your daddy’s liquor. Any sense of love had been long since beaten out of his bones and he hadn’t been cut any slack, especially with Merle shipped off to the army the sole focus of his had been to survive. After she had moved he hadn’t ever seen her again and he got the feeling she may not even be alive anymore, just seemed like that kind of type to cash out early, jumper if Daryl would take a guess. It would be a shame if his intuition was true but then again she’d made her choice and in the end he never knew and would never know what happened to her. 

After that there had been some minor hookups after Merle got back, when he’d been drunk and gotten chicks tossed in his direction by his beloved brother. But he never really wanted to stick around in the morning and usually always asked himself why before remembering Merle had somehow been involved and manipulated him into thinking it was a good idea to hook up with the blonde or that red head. He’d been a handful after he’d gotten back but Daryl had missed his brother.

When Daryl got back to the kitchen after messily drying himself and pulling his clothes on and making sure his red mark on the forehead had paled enough, Rick was reading a magazine and had already made breakfast, the extra portion already served on a plate and waiting for him so he grabbed it and took his seat at the table.

“They’re probably half cold, sorry.” Rick had said and Daryl tried his hardest not to look at the smile he could hear in Rick’s voice, opting to devour the eggs instead and telling Rick it was alright, food was food and he wouldn’t complain about having it made for him without asking for it. It used to be, the first couple of times Rick had made breakfast it had been weird and it took some convincing from Rick before he’d sit down and eat it, now it had almost become normal. Daryl sometimes made it for Rick, if he’d been on a late shift, other times he’d just wait for Rick to get up and they’d make something as they went along.

“When are you leaving to hunt? Was thinking of visiting the kid’s at their mom’s, just so I know what time I should give them when I call Lori.” Rick had continued and Daryl stopped mid chew and looked up to Rick before he bit down and continued chewing. Shit that hurt.

“Soon I guess.” He grabbed the mug to swallow down some coffee with the eggs while Rick seemed to disappointedly let out a sound as if he thought Daryl would stick around for a few hours before leaving. He had intended to. But at the mention of Lori he had been painfully reminded that Rick was a down to the bone and marrow family man and would someday want to get married again. Besides he still had Lori, they may apparently be divorced to the point where Rick could joke about setting Shane up with her but they were still on good terms, to the point he’d visit her, spend time with her. Even though they weren’t together, they had once been a family, in a way they still were and Daryl wasn’t a part of that, he couldn’t fit there and Rick may not even be completely over Lori for all he knew. It rubbed Daryl the wrong way and he felt annoyed, his chest hurt at the mention of her name and Rick’s intent to visit, so fine, Rick should just go and spend the day with her, not like he’d expected Rick to ask him to stay after the snapped off morning where Daryl had also run away from any potential conversation regarding last night. Didn’t matter if he liked Rick, Daryl knew how to let go and he knew not to reach for too much because that only left you hurt, especially when he didn’t have the time even if he wanted to try and grasp a hold.

Rick collected the empty plates while Daryl tried to focus on shutting his chest down, feeling hurt that Rick would go to Lori would do nothing for him and those kinds of feelings didn’t belong in someone like him, shouldn’t have been there in the first place. He scrubbed the plates clean, wanting to pull away from Rick who stood close but held his ground knowing if he wanted to make it out of the apartment without Rick being the wiser he’d have to control himself and not raise questioning frowns on those eyebrows. So he let Rick dry while he scrubbed, soaking his hands with the soapy and bubbly water without using those horrible rubber gloves Carol had left them. He decided to leave as soon as they were done, making a quick grab of all his meager possessions, which was a pack of smokes, before he was out the door.

 

* * *

 

The hunt resulted in no kill. He’d been on the track for a buck after the two previous ones ended up being too far to chase after. He had just been unlucky with their movements, seeming to have picked up their pace and they hadn’t been worth following but the buck trail had been looking promising, all to the point where he had just come in sight of it, slowing down to get a perfect crouch, that’s where the fucking teenagers had shouted and shrieked, laughing loudly and scared the buck away. He had cursed and felt sour because what the fuck were the town youths doing way out in the woods anyway and he wanted to go and give the youngsters a real scare but in the end he didn’t have the energy to go through with it.

As always though the forest surroundings, the calm breeze of air and the easy shading of the trees had done its deed to him and he did feel calmer. Pissy about losing the buck but still, calmer and he still spent two extra hours out there before he headed back to his cabin and decided to tune up Merle’s bike instead, even if it wasn’t being used and wasn’t going to be used. But it served the purpose of wasting time, past noon and up to roughly 5 pm when he grabbed some dried deer, not in the mood for any proper meal. Didn’t give him much to do for the rest of the evening though and the edge from the morning was starting to come back when he didn’t have much to do so he grabbed his crossbow and left for another try, maybe finding that buck the teenagers had scared off but chances would be slim.

He did grab two rabbits from the snares he had out, effectively postponing calling Carol until he couldn’t avoid it anymore. He dreaded it, but knew it had to be done. Time was running out for him, a ticking bomb going off because he knew the signs, she wouldn’t want to hear it and she wouldn’t understand but he knew he had to spare her for the future, so he called.

“Hey.” He said, tongue getting stuck because shit he hadn’t thought it through.

_“Hey Pookie, you missed dinner last night.”_ She replied, holding herself back from the sound of it and alright, he should just be straight out with her, she was strong enough and wouldn’t want him to walk around her like he had eggshells underneath his feet.

“I know, sorry. Carol?” He was sorry, hadn’t meant to drop out on her like that but it had just happened, he needed a break and unfortunately his choice in a break had been a bar, _ain’t nothin’ more cheery ‘n a sweet ole drink baby brother_.

_“Yes?”_ She replied, attention peaked at him calling her attention.

“Ye shouldn’t come t’ Atlanta ‘morrow alright?” He said while his teeth started abusing his lip again, there was a silence over the line and it was sucking all the oxygen from the universe.

_“Why?”_ She asked, but she probably knew there wasn’t going to be an answer, yet she tried her luck. They had gotten involved, close enough to apparently care for him and his brother which was an amazing feat on its own and she didn’t need to be fooled, because she would be fooled, Daryl knew it and he could stop it.

“Just don’, gotta go.” Daryl didn’t think he ever was such a coward but twice in a day may just be setting a new record. He closed the call down and dumped his phone on the sofa after turning it off, turning his attention to the rabbit meat he’d cleaned off the bodies before. He could dry it, or just freeze it but he had a hard time deciding, in the end the meat went into the freezer because he had enough dried meat to last him a few weeks. 

He almost considered changing his mind when just freezing it left him with little much to do for the rest of the evening and he desperately looked around for something to keep his mind busy. The old table clock in the living room had been running slow for a while, if not inconsistent so he moved it to the kitchen and dug into its body to see if he could find the faults causing the strange behavior. He found a cog wheel with a busted tip in the clock he removed, thinking if maybe he could pick up a new brass wheel or he’d find a screw he could clip it off and flatten the piece before attaching it to the cog wheel. Could work but it would probably be easier to just buy a new one, especially when the tiny parts were being little fuckers with him and difficult to handle and reminded him of those Mazda’s from the garage for some stupid reason.

The evening was a sweet late breeze of cool as the clock was left abandoned on the kitchen table dead at close to 6:40 and Daryl headed out to grab a smoke on the porch. Much like the corpse he hadn’t been able to fix before, he wondered if he himself wasn’t too far from the clock’s life and right now he just couldn’t fix himself. He thought maybe Rick could in a different world where it could work. Everything was a mess really, Daryl knew he was screwed, everything was and he knew that too. They were running on fumes and time was getting away, soon it would all come crashing down and Daryl only had one solution for that which he’d be forced to take later.

He pulled a drag and inhaled it deep into his lungs cleansing his system with the foul and destructive smoke, remembering that Rick had one evening on the couch casually said _you should quit you know, just a thought_. Then he’d gone back to the shit show on the TV, he hadn’t even looked at Daryl but somehow he’d caught the tiny movement of Daryl’s hand going to his pocket. He went for that smoke anyway, didn’t quit either but he always remembered Rick saying it like it was just a mention and not that nagging about all the dangers to inhaling it that old ladies would spew on you. Shit Daryl always tried to find a spot where the smoke wouldn’t bother anyone if he was in public and still the old hags would glare, well maybe there was more to it than just the cigarette.

Rick would be home by now. He hadn’t texted in advance but he’d be home, he just needed to see him for a bit. Let him offer a beer and talk about the kids when he went to visit their mother, hopefully leaving out her name but at the same time it’d be good to not forget who Rick was again, to really rub it into his thick skull instead. Far too long in their secluded 3 room apartment made up little family had clouded his judgment and one day Rick would pick up after his divorce and find a girl to marry. They would move into a house together, maybe have another kid, Rick was made for that shit and that picture was painted so clear and in stark contrast it was hard to miss. Last night had just been a fluke, something in between Lori and who came next and Daryl barely fit there so, the future was obvious and he’d be a fool to think otherwise.

But just once more to escape the suffocation of time running out, just one more time of self indulgence because it did a damn fine job of clearing his mind and he could use some of that and maybe some of those touches of Rick’s which he’d learned he actually enjoyed after the first waves of discomfort got washed through his system. He’d damn near been about to thrash and kick out of control when Rick had touched his stomach but then just a little more pressure and he’d calmed down and accepted that the stomach could be fine. Well, calm enough to not try and kick Rick in the side and then he’d been sure his skin had been burning hot enough to leave printed marks of every finger, every line in the flat of his hand, he’d have Rick’s damn lifeline shining through all white in the red burn. Although how enthralling the naked fear of it never left and he’d damn near gripped his fingers off to not shake like a leaf and throw Rick off his game.

Fact still remained that even if he did go to Rick’s, it wasn’t even guaranteed that it’d be promising. Rick may have had enough time to realize that what they did had been stupid, not even Daryl could deny that it had been stupid but he’d been drunk enough to not be able to stop it in time. He should have had enough time too, get over the shit and just let it be lost in history as a once in a life time experience. Yet instead of coming to a proper realization he’d just remembered sounds, brown curls, eyes, scorching fingers and heaving breaths joined together. He’d remembered how he’d felt rested in the morning waking up despite the headache, up until then he hadn’t felt rested even if he didn’t do much other than sleep in the evenings. Rick’s hair had been messy and he’d been lying belly down with his face straight down into the pillow, one arm stubbornly swung over Daryl but it just hung in the air looking like the hand itself stupidly thought it had a comfy grip to snuggle into after Daryl had detached his, when the hand in fact didn’t and Daryl had almost laughed at it.

Shit, Daryl should have come to a realization himself but he’d just spent the day sinking further and deeper into the wrong one. He had just wanted to pass it off as confusion and maybe he still could if he tried hard enough, but that also required wanting to try and he severely lacked any motivation to actually go through with it. Daryl stubbed the half smoked cigarette to death and grabbed his keys.

 


	14. Messy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick used to love coffee, lately it seems tasteless. Maybe it isn't the coffee's fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I think this chapter got a bit messy for me, earned the chapter name for that and other reasons, but it should suffice,

Rick’s Sunday morning had been a disaster. He had dozed off on the couch and slept way past visitation time so he was mentally ticking the hours down on how much time he had left before asking the question went from right timing to awkward and lost forever. Not to mention as he started moving his limbs, his brain was already complaining about his churning and burning sensation of self regret because he hadn’t attempting any kind of confrontation, that was on him. His neck was stiff like it was a steel pipe holding his head. His body hadn’t even had the decency to tip over and actually lay down when he’d fallen asleep, nope he’d been sitting through it all night with the TV buzzing in the background which would be great for the electrical bill.

At least the pain and strain in the kinks of muscles and joints of bones started easing out after some stretching, successfully abandoning the sofa which he shouldn’t have slept on to begin with. He shouldn’t have been half hoping and half wanting Daryl to turn up no matter how late it got, not to the point where he didn’t even get his ass to bed to sleep properly after sneaking through the hallway to the front of the building like some secret thief when he just couldn’t help himself and he’d been met with the empty spacing’s except for the cars dotting up their selected places on the parking lot, but there were no motorcycle and no Daryl.

He dared thinking he may have been there, if Rick had just gone out sooner when he’d heard the sound of the engines before then maybe he could have caught him before he left. It he had been. Rick could regret his flaw at being as perfectly good at memorizing the sounds of rumbling engineering like Daryl could, if he had he would have known, but now he was just able to imagine that the scenario could have happened even if it was far fetched even for him. But he just couldn’t stop thinking it could have been true, which left him with his phone in his hand and thumb reluctantly pressing the call button while his stomach and chest was killing him slowly in a very torturous process of _what if._ The call had gone straight to voice mail and Rick had padded back to his apartment in shameful defeat.

He could worry all he wanted when it came down to whether he should be freaking out about Friday night or not, deciding if it was a good or a bad thing, it didn’t matter in the end, this didn’t change what little pattern he had  when it all came down to it. In the end Daryl never showed, like he usually didn’t on a Saturday if he hadn’t spent the night and today he was driving off to visit his brother, which meant he wouldn’t show his face for the coming two days. Rick already knew this, just because things happened a little differently during Friday, it didn’t seem to change how matters proceeded and Rick shouldn’t have been wracking his brain into thinking things would.

He was starting to regret that he hadn’t just grabbed his keys and driven off to Daryl’s cabin last night instead of waiting around for the other man to come by on his own and only making his attempt reach as far as the parking lot. He hadn’t thought he was actually so stupid to believe Daryl would have, but apparently he had been and no matter how many times he’d told himself things shouldn’t be any different just because, he knew he had hoped they would have been.

Rick padded into the empty kitchen with heavy steps and grabbed the pot to fill the brewer with water. He needed a shower, then go grocery shopping so he could cook dinner and some leftovers for lunches and then of course some more baby food because no matter how many he had stacked in the door of the fridge Rick couldn’t ever shake his paranoia that he’d stand in the kitchen one day and be short on his baby girls favorites. He and Carl could get by on emergency cook ups but Judith? She was a different case, although she was getting more and more accustomed to mashed food and porridge she still heavily preferred the pureés and he wasn’t ever going to deny the sweetheart what she wanted, not until she got older and difficult at least.

He replaced yesterdays filter which he should have done earlier but he hadn’t gotten around to do it because of his visit to Lori and then sitting around, wasting the time he had during the evening well, thinking Daryl would come by. Still he had the proud knowledge since his time before living with Lori, the great single life in an apartment where he’d learned it took at least a couple of days before the leftover sump started molding so just one day wasn’t bad at all. Well, it shouldn’t be and Rick rinsed off the plastic carrier just in case, didn’t hurt, before he put it back into the brewer and placed the fresh filter into it and measured the cups.

The black liquid of prolonged power started dripping into the pot, hot and steaming as it filled the bottom and up. Rick found himself just staring at it, only realizing he’d been there for half the pot just watching the coffee being made without a thought in his mind and he knew he wasn’t one to space out much unless he had a good reason to. He guessed conflicted feelings regarding the Daryl matter was enough of a reason, no hell it was more than enough and even more so difficult because he’d never been in a situation like this. Had Daryl been a female friend he’d probably just tried to see if maybe she had wanted to continue and go on a date, see where things led but Daryl wasn’t a girl. Gender shouldn’t matter though, it should but it also shouldn’t, Rick felt his curls twisting all circles through even if it was just his imagination, his constant confusion was enough to make him feel dizzy. Did it mean he thought he should have asked Daryl out? Rick and Daryl on a date? No that didn’t feel right either. They were dudes and somewhat friends and besides, Daryl had clearly brushed everything off the morning after so what, casual? Yes, Rick could be casual if Daryl decided he still wanted Rick to be in his life in one way or another.

3/4th of the pot was done by the time Rick started wondering about Daryl’s previous romantic encounters. If there had been past loves or just casual need releases and Rick was once again struck with the hurt of realization that he didn’t actually know much about Daryl. He found it hard to believe that a man could go through his life without any form of sexual relationship but then again, when he thought about Daryl it wasn’t an impossible thought. He had never seen the man so much toss an extra look at a girl or, with the Friday experience in his mind, a guy, when they’d been out. He’d take Carol’s teasing, look a little shy and insecure but he’d be able to tease her back just as much but it was nothing more than friendly between them and she’d never looked like an object of desire.

Rick brought a mug down when the coffee was about to be done, finding his brain getting exhausted from trying to read into a man he didn’t know much about and who rarely gave any clues that would help him in the quest. The dripping sound echoed through the kitchen as the last of the pure water dropped into the filter joined by the horrible noise in his head and his hand grabbed the handle of the pot while waiting for the dripping to cease. If anyone was close enough and trusted enough to form any form of attraction it should have been Carol, or maybe it was just pure disinterest on Daryl’s end and Friday night had been a drunken slip up. The kisses afterwards lingered on Rick’s lips still, reminding him of how sweet that last moment had been before they’d gone to sleep, almost like it had been inexperienced in one way but not a stranger to it in another. A drunken slip up excuse felt vague and fake. Could be that Daryl was used to just sleeping with someone and then head home after, would explain the nothing wrong picture on Saturday morning that they’d shared and Rick had never gotten the chance to prolong it after Daryl just up and left.

The coffee poured easily into the mug when he remembered he hadn’t checked his phone since waking up. Maybe Daryl had responded to his text after Rick had fallen asleep on the sofa and he quickly searched through his pockets but it wasn’t there and so he abandoned the lonely mug of coffee for a quick trip to the living room where the phone lay on the sofa table. Rick tried to not build up his expectation and sense of devastation, hoping there’s be a text back but knowing the chances of that being true were slim to none.

The screen lit up and like he’d thought, there was nothing but the time of 9:34 AM meeting his eyes on the screen. Daryl was already out of town then, way gone and even if Rick dared calling him he wouldn’t be picking his phone up on the bike, not that Rick thought he was capable of making that call right then and there. He shoved the betrayer of phones into his pocket even if it wasn’t the phone’s fault there was nothing on the screen, before making his way back into the kitchen and grabbing that mug of abandoned coffee. The morning before Daryl had made the brew before Rick was even up, thinking about it had Rick only staring at it but he never actually started sipping, didn’t feel like having any and thought he had just started the brewer on pure morning routine. Well routine may have been part of it but with a frown on his face he really tried to urge himself into having some because Rick was rarely one to decline the delicious brew or waste resources, even drinking his shifts through the shit made coffee at the station.

In the end the mug was left on the counter top in the kitchen, the pot left with all the remaining coffee in it and Rick turned off the heating function through the side button. He was sure he wasn’t going to drink any and he thought it was better if he just got to dress and went out, stretch his legs, pick up the groceries and prepare for the kids to come home. Daryl messing up his brain was not what he needed, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that he felt lonely in the haze of morning heat as the sun shone through the windows in the empty apartment where Daryl should have been. He’d grown used to having him around, getting comfortable with a kind of friend who wasn’t socially needy like the rest of his list of friends, Daryl just was and Rick hadn’t thought he’d grown so dependent on the company he provided by practically not existing most of the days. If he really thought about it, there shouldn’t be any difference, especially not on a Sunday but maybe Friday night had changed more than Rick dared think about.

 

The grocery shopping took more time than he had in mind. It had been the typical old ladies with their coupons at the registers and one mom with her son paying half the bill with coins. Rick thought he may had stood in the line for about twenty minutes trying to not get annoyed but it was hard when it came to grocery stores. But he did get everything he had intended to buy and after picking the groceries up he stopped at the automatic car wash. The bubbles and the buzzing noise of the machinery did its best to cancel out most of the thoughts but the strange image of Rick laying like a tiny version of himself in a sea of bubble water in his sink with Daryl’s hands washing the plates and glasses around him had Rick worrying he was finally going insane and he couldn’t wish for the program to end fast enough.

He made a few extra stops and effectively spent the day busying himself, Carl had needed a new shelf for his console games and Rick thought it wasn’t a bad idea at the time to spoil his son with something he wanted and if he was already spoiling his son he could also stop by the baby store and pick up a few new items for his baby girl. The only thing he hadn’t thought through was the amount of trips between the car and the apartment he had to make carrying the new plush toys, dresses and blankets, the shelf and the grocery bags as he got home but then again the time spent going back and forth served its purpose of keeping him busy.

Rick packed away the food into the fridge and then he sorted out the new toys for Judith before attempting to put the shelf together. It was of simple design but that didn’t make it much easier for Rick seeing he wasn’t the best at those kinds of puzzles and halfway through it he figured he’d wait with the last bits and make it an activity he and Carl could finish together. Normally Lori would drop the kids off after dinner but Rick knew he’d spiral right down to his current issues if he waited that long, now that he’d already done what he could and was left with little left to keep him busy. So he called Lori and asked if he could pick them up earlier, suggesting they could grab some food together and although Lori seemed to stall at first thought, she quickly came around and agreed.

The shower he had planned turned out to be a mistake, well mistake depending on how you viewed things but standing under the hot spray of water and knowing half naked Daryl had been there the same weekend after their shameful activity had Rick breaking the only real decision he had made during the morning. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking about it, he had purposely kept himself busy to not mull things over, but there in the shower it was hard not to remember and it wasn’t just his brain that seemed to have that issue. Safe to say his brain was in deep conspiracy with his dick as Rick couldn’t resist anymore and his hand trailed down and started stroking over the flesh, hearing his name and feeling the lingering kisses on his skin. Knowing what Daryl’s hips felt like to grab and the feeling those legs tightly close to Rick’s body well, it didn’t take too much before Rick’s dick happily sighed it’s release like it’s tauntingly told him that he should just have done this in the first place, slow fucker, and Rick did feel a little offended at the attitude of his dick. So much for his conviction to not jerk off to the image of Daryl, Rick Grimes was a man to be incredibly proud in anything except himself for giving in to what he had decided against.

He tried to excuse himself with the fact that he may just be left with that memory for the rest of his life, it made sense, it was valid and he just had to hold on to that excuse because he was sure even if he hadn’t jerked off to the memories right there, then he would have done it at some point when remembering became unbearable, even with the details of friend and dude it had been hot. At least his body felt relaxed enough, the kinks and strains from the sleeping while sitting on the sofa that had eased throughout the day released the last knots and he washed off all the evidence of his sin by soaping himself more than he actually needed before rinsing off and drying himself up.

Rick realized it had actually helped. His brain calmed down completely and passing the time until he was going to go and pick the kids up went without any further thoughts about Daryl or his muscles, or the kisses and the trailing hands, the imagination of what lay under his shirt, the soft hair he could nestle his fingers in and all the other things he would on occasion remember about the man. He made a sandwich, watched some TV and cleaned up the glass of whiskey that was still in the sink since yesterday along with the mug of coffee he had left on the counter top. Had Daryl been there the glass would have been clean already.

He knew he had thought it was lame when Shane had once said something about jerking off being a perfect solution to relationship frustrations, _dude, rub one out and make up already,_ hadn’t thought it could be anything to it at the time and that men couldn’t possibly be that simple but now that he had actually experienced it working for this particular one, he was scared that there may actually be some truth to it. Maybe he was that simple. Even if Shane had been partly right though, that didn’t make Daryl magically appear right there in the apartment and that was the real problem Rick had. Jerking off or not couldn’t change that and he would guess the expectant guilt he wasn’t feeling yet was laying in wait, whispering _how dare you,_ for the right opportunity to strike as soon as the protecting shield of euphoric relaxation left his system.

The guilt struck twenty minutes before he was scheduled to drive over to Lori’s and Rick felt like a complete ass for what he had done in the shower like an immature hormonal teenager while Daryl was off having a hard time but hopefully getting something good from visiting his brother. He tried to justify himself with the fact that he wasn’t far from having a rough time either and it worked to some extent except that his solution and apparent weak resolve wasn’t exactly the regular choice of action and so he had nothing to fight his mind with and he had to stop it from ever happening again because it was real awkward to feel horrible and giddy in the same rocky motion of his chest. Besides, Shane had said _rub one out and make up already_ and there was definitely a part of that clearly missing in Rick’s scenario. How did you make up with someone when you hadn’t even been allowed to know the details of the problem, if he had done something wrong or if he hadn’t, mistake or no mistake, he hadn’t really been left with any other options than confusion had he? But wait, they weren’t fighting so he wondered why he had started looking at it like it was a problem.

It lasted all the way to Lori’s and the brief stay he made there before packing the kids into the car and leaving. The little lives of sunshine did one hell of a job to change Rick’s mood and he engaged in Carl’s stories from the weekend and every single detail about Judith, which Rick loved to hear about. Lori had apparently been a champ at homework management and even kicked some ass in keeping up with all the new educational tests and reports the young ones got these days that, Rick himself had a hard time dealing with. She’d always been smart, breezing through high school with straight A’s and Carl was showing more and more of those traits as he had finally settled into the new school and made some friends there. There was also Sophia to thank since they spent a lot of time working together even if they had different assignments, she’d been a great help with knowledge and discipline and not to mention motivation when you had someone to impress on.

Back at the apartment Rick had grown excited throughout the car ride to see Carl’s reaction when he got to his room. Of course it was just built half done so he wouldn’t screw the piece up but still, it was clear enough Rick had spent some time spoiling his son during his absence. Carl was thrilled, explained why this console had to be in one area specifically because it would give the best space for those books and all like that, he’d already planned the placement of everything he’d wanted there when he hadn’t even been able to count on getting it. Or the kid just knew Rick would cave in the end and buy it for him, Rick wasn’t sure. His main question was that all other kids wanted bikes, computers, new phones and the number one on his kids list had been the shelf.  Carl was a good kid or maybe he just took pity on his lonely old man, Rick chose good kid.

They had Judith helping them out with putting the last bits together, babbling and messing up the instructions page as they took their eyes off her for just a second but other than that they managed to get through the second half of building it together without much damage, much thanks to Carl because Rick hadn’t been much help other than holding and keeping pieces in their selected places. It did help to keep his focus off his weekend worries and Rick felt pretty damn grateful to the parental priorities you were given when you became responsible for your offspring. It wouldn’t do much for him later when he’d put the kids to bed and he was well aware of that but for now he would just enjoy the peace of mind until it would start messing with his sleep.

When the shelf had finally gotten completely put together Rick had picked Judith up from her new blanket which he’d placed on the floor for her and taken her to the kitchen. Carl had gotten his items perfectly placed exactly where he wanted everything and though Rick had bought three bags worth of groceries he didn’t have much motivation to actually cook some of it. Lucky for him Carl had been fine with just heating up further leftovers from Friday evening when asked about it and after a quick calculation that it would be enough for tonight’s portions and a box for him for tomorrow at work he divided the food into the tick ceramic deep plates so he could heat them up in the oven and one portion for him in a tupperware box. Judith was easy to satisfy with her purée of apple and peach flavor but not as eager to try some thoroughly mashed lasagna, there had been some reluctant crying because Judith still preferred her baby food even if they had started getting her used to mashed food for a while now. The fuss usually died down pretty fast, especially with Carol’s cooking but that didn’t stop the baby girl from always crying knowing she could just because it was something different than her purées. She’d always try.

Dinner passed relatively easy after Judith had accepted the lasagna but didn’t go without a few worryingly curious looks from Carl, like he wanted to ask but just didn’t think he should. The kid was old enough to mind such a thing as worry and since he liked Daryl well, he hadn’t been completely ignoring of the fact that the man hadn’t shown when he had supposed to and had most likely been left wondering if anything had happened or if something just had come up like the adults liked to say when they cancelled an appointment. Rick hadn’t felt too eager about explaining things to his son, should he have asked but wouldn’t have lied to him if he did, at least he could half honestly tell him that the guy was fine because Rick knew for a fact that he was up and about and not piss drunk in a ditch. Well, at least when he left he hadn’t been but Rick had a hard time believing Daryl would repeat his Friday evening when he’d looked so regretful about it but then again, Rick could only try and convince himself when he had no way of knowing and all the times he checked his phone the screen remained blank.

After dinner Rick cleaned up to avoid stacking up a pile in the sink because a certain someone would stab a fork in his back if he did, two someone’s even and he feared Carl may just have picked up on that attitude so he could be counting soon to be three supervisors on tardy behavior. It wasn’t a bad thing though, actually pretty good and satisfying watching his only son not even in his teens yet (but close to, shit) cleaning up after himself and knowing what kind of hell other parents seemed to live through. Maybe it was even the other way around, his son was living with a half slob and Rick wasn’t living with a disinterested kid that just wanted to stay in his room and play games? His boy had wanted a shelf, he was thinking about structure for benefit right? Rick brushed off his small realization and thought to himself that he’d gotten better, after being given time to adjust to a new single parent life so it was alright in the end.

Carl had been tending to Judith, giving her a bath while Rick had shoved himself further into his hole when he’d tried to call Daryl again and gotten slapped with the instant voice mail. He shouldn’t have expected anything different since it was a Sunday and all but he’d still tried and with a sigh he put his phone away, suppressing the urge to leave Carl in charge of his sister and just drive over to the cabin. He felt he may be growing desperate enough to do so, just go there and force some answers and probably only get a fist in his face instead of what he wanted but any form of response would be gladly taken since there was the lack of any at all. When he had started developing more serious mental pressure he wasn’t sure. Rick was only vaguely aware of his expanding thoughts in the matter, he’d accepted he’d slept with a guy, check. He had, after wondering regarding check number one, jerked off to the memories of said check and it was somewhere after that he’d gone thinking about the act in a pure physical manner and what it meant for him as a straight guy, to consider if it would mean anything for them or cause new differences. He definitely didn’t notice himself growing more personally involved the longer the no contact standstill dragged on.

He didn’t have to in the end, just a few minutes after going straight to voice mail and putting his phone down like the electronic device had executed a personal betrayal itself, he practically threw himself at it when it dinged.

 _Got home alright, gonna be busy a few days. See you later._ He read it about three times more than necessary considering the length of the text and couldn’t help himself but get irritated at the short response. The text felt like some shit kind of obligation text after Daryl probably saw the two missed calls and just sent it to stop Rick from calling again because if he responded, there was no need for it. Well fuck that. Rick tightened his grip on the phone as he made a quick stop at the bathroom to check in on his kids.

“Going to go out and make a call alright, just come get me if you need any help.” Rick said and watched his son nod in somewhat Rick’s direction, being far too busy with happy Judith who was still a bit puffy after rejecting the lasagna before actually enjoying the taste of the food.

“I’m sure we’ll be fine dad.” Carl reassured and Rick gave his son a quick smile of thanks before slipping out from the bathroom.

Even though he was aware of the fact that he had in grown cold feet about going through with it, the feeling was strange to experience when there was no chance in hell that he was backing out of it at the same time. He didn’t hesitate for a second after getting outside to hit the call button, the brewing irritation from the text before served as a good motivation despite the thought of this whole call being a bad idea since he’d never actually talked to Daryl on a Sunday before. Still his finger had pressed the button while he’d been up and down in the chair, deciding that he wouldn’t be able to sit down and started walking back and forth instead as he put the phone to his ear. At least he wasn’t shot straight to voice mail and when the connection sound appeared in the speaker his world froze for a second.

 _“What.”_ Rick heard from the other end of the call and what, what did he mean with what. He tried to take a deep breath, followed by a second one almost losing the chance to see the call through because he was taking too long to actually say anything.

 _“If ye didn’t wan’ any I’mma go.”_ Was Rick’s cue to get his shit together and stop wasting time, he quickly tried to pull his brain together.

“No wait.” He said to stop the possibility of Daryl shutting the call down. From the little Rick had heard Daryl had sounded tired, as one would be after a drive and especially for whatever effects the visits had on Daryl that they knew would take him a few days to bounce back from. Which initially was somewhat weird because he always went despite it and wasn’t it supposed to be good for him to see his brother since they were so close? Rick was starting to doubt he had enough information on this matter, was starting to dread the off feeling he’d had a few times again and again, and how it may actually be pretty accurate although he didn’t know the reason to it and that reason could be the key to it all.

“What do you mean busy for a few days, like all until Friday?” _I need to see you._ He asked, obviously stuck on the text rubbing him the wrong way and not even attempting to hide it.

 _“Wha’else ‘s ‘re t’ mean? Got shit t’do.”_ Daryl’s voice defensively bounced back into Rick’s ear, like the turned off phone, possibly just dead phone but Rick didn’t believe that, the missed calls even if there were only two, didn’t give Rick a valid reason to get frustrated after he’d been left hanging. He could hear the rustling from the other end of the call and the door creaking as Daryl possibly went outside to have a smoke on the porch.

 _“Ain’t nuthin’ new Curly.”_ Daryl wasn’t wrong exactly, it was how the weekdays usually looked after a Sunday and Rick had no real reason to make it into a problem all of a sudden, except he really wanted an excuse to do so after that stupid text and he could either back off or follow through.

 _“’s jus’a few day, maybe free soon’r, dunno yet.”_ Daryl continued and Rick wasn’t given the time or chance to hold a grudge when the Daryl’s tone had softened and he didn’t seem to have decided to be full time busy as a way to ignore Rick the entire week.

“Yeah, shit I know, sorry. You coming by on Friday as usual though?” Rick asked, half afraid of the word _usual_ after the last Friday that should have been that exact word, had been broken into pieces instead, at least it wasn’t broken enough to be beyond repair because they were obviously talking.

 _“Yea, ye kno’ Carol’d skin m‘ alive ‘f I didn’t again.”_ Rick relaxed once he thought he could hear the smallest amount of amusement in the comment and it threatened to spread, tugging at the corner of his lips. It felt good talking to  Daryl even if Rick had gone out of the comfort zone to invade that personal day of his when Rick had never done anything like it before but he didn’t sound much different from any other day so Rick did wonder why it hadn’t occurred before.

 _“Hey Rick?”_ Daryl asked and Rick stopped biting on the cuticle he’d found to chew on, one of Daryl’s habits that may have just sprouted in Rick and he knew he shouldn’t be chewing on it. He knew all the times Daryl would gnaw at the skin around his nails enough to almost have Rick reach over and pull the hand away before he’d bite off his fingertip, yet for now he couldn’t help but do it when the silence over the line was pulling ahead. His name was the sweetest sensation reverberating through him and he remained silent while waiting out whatever question Daryl was going to ask.

 _“’n I come by ‘f I’s t’chane to?”_ Daryl asked with the noted clear hesitation on his end and Rick felt his conscious nudging at him, pointing at his passive aggressive early statement because he’d gotten annoyed at a stupid text when there hadn’t been any need for it, like a big fat fucking idiot slapped right in his face by his own brain. He’d just been worried, running on his reasoning that the Daryl should be good on Sunday’s because he’d seen his brother and it was weird how it was having the opposite effect, Rick really

“Of course.” _We should talk._ Rick said, forgetting to add the importance of _I want to see you_ which sneakily still lingered in the back of his head but made no attempt to crawl out and help Rick. His tiny voice of what he may want lay whispering beyond Rick’s knowledge and only served him sudden urges he couldn’t explain. Rick wondered when he’d flipped from normal and thinking their little get together had felt good to being the one thinking they should talk, was he finding it a problem they had to resolve? It shouldn’t be.

 _“Alright, ye ain’t workin’?”_ The voice replied after some silence of Daryl thinking about the reply and how to respond himself. Maybe sooner then, that was good. It could mean Wednesday or Thursday, probably not before that but not completely out of the question. Rick had his bet on the latter days though and at least Friday was confirmed, but then again so had last Friday. Rick had worried for nothing then, if Daryl was saying he’d try if he got the free time to come by then he wasn’t ignoring Rick, so maybe he had just been over thinking things too much because Daryl had actually asked if it was okay to come by despite the fucked up weekend of his brain getting shoved into a mixer of possibilities and limits then turned on max to the point Rick didn’t even know what he was doing or what kind of mush it looked like.

“I’m on day shifts this week so any time you can it works for us.” _Help me out here._ Rick was quick to explain and leave all evenings open for Daryl’s choosing, he’d have to swap Wednesday with someone at the station but Daryl didn’t have to know that. Rick winced when the cuticle ripped and robbed him of the precious seconds to ask if Daryl was alright after the entire day with Atlanta and Merle. Rick had just been about to after pulling his hand away because seriously it wasn’t good for you and how could Daryl do it all the time? Daryl spoke before him.

 _“Alright, well, gotta go.”_ He said before Rick could spit the question out and the call shut down without him even getting to say bye. Rick took the phone away from his ear and looked at the call duration timer that lingered afterwards, hadn’t things gone completely different from his initial plan? He’d been supposed to earn himself some justice from the stupid text, instead he’d thought he’d acted too soon regarding it and felt like an ass that had overreacted. Daryl hadn’t even fired back at his comment of absolute mature irritation which was what Rick had expected. He’d been supposed to somehow get to the point where the “we _should to talk”_ had come in handy and actually gotten through a conversation regarding it and instead he’d settled for a “ _maybe_ ” when it came to Daryl visiting sooner than Friday. He’d even ended up referring to his brain being the result of a kitchen mixer mash of possibilities and limits. A part of him felt like he’d led around by Daryl’s well chosen ways of response to distract Rick from getting what he had wanted from the call. Not to mention Rick clearly seeing he had some serious impatience going on, he’d wanted to do it on the phone when it was a conversation they should have had in person.

Rick should have realized it and held his ground even if it did risk pissing the other man off because even if they were still only somewhat friends and casual at best they should still be able to progress and talk enough to know if Daryl’s page was the same as Rick’s, instead of constantly feeling the singe of crazy when the matter was avoided all the time because he was surely getting invested. But at least Daryl had wanted to come around.

Rick hit the side button to kill the display and put his phone away thinking that maybe he had just made things worse for himself because he’d been pissy about a text instead of actually asking how the guy was doing after the visit to Atlanta which, as a somewhat friend, that should have been his priority.  

 

* * *

 

Rick was getting either getting real paranoid or he was just more and more certain that he’d been led around the nose by Daryl simply asking if he could come by if he’d be free enough to do so. Rick had to accept that there hadn’t been an actual promise that he would visit, but it had sounded so hopeful Rick didn’t want to believe it wasn’t happening. He knew Daryl had said ‘if he had the time’, which him not showing would suggest he had remained busy or, Rick had been right and been completely distracted by the hopeful chance that Daryl had successfully managed to avoid a pissy Rick that would maybe have insisted on clearing things out. Could be Daryl didn’t want to talk about it and Rick was the only one feeling the need to do so.

Rick’s Monday and Tuesday had been giddy and excited to the point where Tara had joked about Rick finding some new love interest, which he had to brush off with a _pfft_ and add a grudge-like stack of paperwork to Tara’s desk in retaliation. Morgan had chuckled at his childish whim, thought the entire station was acting like a kindergarten most likely. Shane had tried to get in on the joking but respected the off limits-sign Rick had put out, just because they had been working together now again didn’t mean all was well and forgiving even if Rick was having a hard time holding on to the punishment because he really just wanted things to be okay again especially when he was having such a great start of the week.

He had at first believed the Wednesday would be it and he had believed the guy was actually busy so he’d let the two first day pass with driving his kid to school and dropping Judith off at daycare. He’d eaten leftover lasagna on the first day and cooked when he’d gotten home from his shift and enjoyed a dinner, full side salmon tenderloin with lemon sauce and rice, thank you Carol. On Tuesday he’d waved Tara over with an evil smile on his face and used her rookie status to change shift with him. Maybe he should consider his acts soon counting towards bullying, sometimes he could be a bit evil against the rookie but then again she’d always use her _‘sup boss_ or _awh comon’ chief_ so she seemed to take it like a champ and maybe even used it to mold her into a tougher little shit than she already was. For some reason she always called him boss or chief, Rick didn’t know why because he hadn’t asked and he didn’t mind the nickname, the only difference between them was that she was a new recruit fresh from the academy and he had years already in the field and he guessed it was a rank thing. In the end she’d accepted the swap after some complaints but Rick had added he’d talk her up a bit in front of Denise and Tara had agreed instantly after that. Rick wasn’t sure if he wanted to count it as underhanded tactics but what was done was done.

On Wednesday he’d stressed like crazy when his shift had been extended due to a joint search party operation was executed with the neighboring police department, some campers had been out for too long without and contact had been cut, so their parents had in the end made the call. The area they’d been in had been bordering close enough to ask for King County assistance since they’d be a bit more familiar with the area and in all honesty there had been some lacking staff issues but it wasn’t like the departments never worked together and rather they were pretty used to helping each other out.

Rick had for a moment thought of Daryl, knowing his skill set could most surely have been used in a situation with lost campers but he already had a job and it was too soon to even know if they’d find the pair or not. Besides, it did sound like he was looking for an excuse. The search had gotten extended and Rick had felt the stress building because he’d said he’d be home and he had wanted to be so he could clean up a bit instead of calling Beth and ask her to stay a while longer. He did ask her to let Daryl in and just relay to him that it was fine if he waited at Rick’s and that he didn’t know how long he’d be working. Though Rick just wanted to go home he wasn’t one to slack on his duties and his shift extended two hours of overtime before they found the two that had gone missing, knowing Tara would definitely joke about her dodging a bullet thanks to Rick, seeing how the campers had both been fine just a bit disoriented.

When the intense focus on his duties had died down he’d started feeling drained after an almost 10 hour shift, including patrol and some regular drunks, other than that and the missing campers it had been relatively calm but it was always a rough time when the shift was extended for physical grid search or chasing a suspect for an amazing number of blocks and being met with more than just some resistance. At least the latter didn’t really happen in King County.

The only thing Rick could set his priorities to would be to relieve Beth after grabbing a quick shower because he really smelled of sweat and woods. The kids would be a priority always and there was nothing better than a sweet gurgle fit of laughter from Judith to cure any long term exhaustion from work and Carl would notice and help out with dinner either by assisting the cooking or just grab the food and heat it in Rick’s stead.  He didn’t mind the smell really because it somewhat reminded him of Daryl but he could feel the extra layer on his skin and he may as well shower if he was changing into clean clothes when he got home.

Rick’s shower was quick after greeting Beth and asking her to stick around a few minutes extra even if Carl could handle his sister for those short few minutes the kid needed his youth time too and since Beth was already there he could get some extra time to read comics or play games. He more or less just rinsed himself off after a quick soap up and ended up bolting from the bathroom before he could have any embarrassing memories from said bathroom paint him all red in the face and put on a pair of fresh sweats while his uniform was put in the laundry basket, he would have to use his second set considering the one he’s used during the search had been mudded down and drenched when the temperatures had peaked.

He’d only gotten half way to relaxed after the fresh set of clothes, the stress from the day still lingering around and he offered Beth a ride home. She gently said he didn’t have to and she’d get picked up because Maggie had been in town to meet Glenn. It seemed things between the two of them was going pretty strong and Beth was clearly in a perky mood of happiness for her sister, maybe even holding some information hidden of a boyfriend of her own for all Rick knew with that curved corner lip smile hiding in the background. This time Maggie came inside the apartment for a quick chat as she’d arrived roughly twenty minutes later and like she naturally belonged there she just sort of slid into the kitchen to help divide the pasta and Bolognese Rick had made as Tuesday dinner and then the two sisters left just before the food was warm enough. Rick told the girls to give their father his best which they promised they would.

Daryl didn’t join for dinner, in fact after Rick and Carl had fed Judith and themselves he ended up not coming at all and Rick couldn’t suppress his feelings of disappointment after stressing through half the day trying to be home in case he came, but tried to not delve too deep in that direction. It’s not like he hadn’t been aware that the entire agreement had been a complete maybe, even a vague maybe when he thought about it and he regretted that he hadn’t tried harder, shit maybe he should have asked if Daryl had needed any help if he was going to be so busy and instead of latching on to the chance of him coming around like his life depended on it.

Rick woke up Thursday morning deciding he wouldn’t repeat yesterday’s mistake of stressing when there was no reason to and seriously he was too old to do it, but nevertheless he had a hard time putting the distance in. But he needed to hold on strongly to his decision, told himself to just go through the day as always as he sipped on his morning coffee and talked himself out of passing by the garage. A busy Daryl meant he could easily be a pissed off Daryl if Rick got in the way. No the only way Rick had been able to get in said way without earning some attitude had been to offer the help when he could have and he hadn’t done that.

Tara did joke about dodging a bullet but didn’t pass up the opportunity to express her gratitude that the pair had been found unharmed. Rick had taken it upon himself to mentor her on patrol as the morning briefing had proceeded, figured he’d owe her that much and he was growing pretty fond of her, not to mention she was interested in the same gender and he may have seen the chance to ask some discreet questions about her and the crush she had on Denise when she said had reminded him about his promise.

Rick didn’t go through with it, even if it was tempting as hell he couldn’t just start asking those kind of personal questions to a rookie, especially when the risk of his peaked interest could spread at the station and then he would really be screwed. It didn’t stop Tara from talking about Denise, as it was common knowledge and she expressed a wave of gratitude toward Rick because he seemed keen to listen and not judge her choice of interest. Perhaps she just felt comfortable enough to confide in him about her small insecurities originating from the fact that she didn’t know if Denise could ever have any interest in a chick. He tried to just passively respond in a supportive manner, the chatting naturally evolving during the last coffee break of their patrol at one of the outdoor and easy access cafés and Rick did feel a bit more inspired the more Tara talked about Denise, seeing how easy it was for her to know what she wanted.

He knew he couldn’t figure out the new interest on his own, he needed Daryl to help him out on that subject. The question was just how he should go about it, getting impatient like he’d been bordering close to throughout the weekend and only ended up with less answers and more questions had clearly not been the right way and he decided, since Daryl had said he would try and stop by, Rick would grab any opportunity presented to him. He had to count with difficulties, needed to be attentive enough to back off if he smelled any risk of backfire by pushing the matter, despite him feeling he really needed to do exactly that. He thought that perhaps the only solution were to back themselves into a corner so far they’d be forced to deal with things, but it was a strange thought considering things were going along like nothing out of the ordinary had happened and at some point Rick had left the casual behind and started chasing clarity.

Then there was the fact that the window of opportunity would be slim with his kids being home, so maybe not tonight if Daryl came by, but they were going to Lori’s after Friday dinner and whatever the result of taking a given opportunity would be, it most likely wasn’t suited with the kids home and so he’d have to wait. For them he could hold on to what patience he’d been storing up since letting the text get to him and the last thing he needed was to let immaturities get the better of him and have it affect both his kids and Daryl. Though Rick never went through with asking anything specifically for his own benefit, he did wonder how she’d explain how she could be so sure, thought somewhere along the line that there was a difference because it was the same gender but that was naïve of him, in the end it should supposedly be all the same right? If it was he didn’t need Tara’s opinion on the matter, he remembered how he’d fallen for Lori back in high school, then everything had just fit into place like it was a story made to be written and then the last chapters had gotten lost or ended before they even started to exist. But his sweet experience with Lori didn’t look like anything close to his current mess and ultimately it left him none the wiser. 

 

Toward the end of his shift, he and Tara had gotten back to the station for about an hour already and was enjoying themselves some happy piled up paperwork which they both wondered how on earth it could be possible to always be stacked up despite working through so much of it every shift. Sometimes Rick suspected the chief just mass-produced whatever he could think of to keep his officers busy. It was a theory he and Morgan liked to bounce back and forth in the dead of mornings if said chief wasn’t at the station and although they had never officially shared it with anyone else he figured the rest had similar thoughts regarding the constant stacks. Especially those who weren’t very diligent in keeping the stack small and self destructed after avoiding the task for so long and ended up faced with the pile of certain doom.

Rick had a brief moment of mending with Shane, hearing Lori’s voice in the back of his head that he should just forgive him already and he thought maybe he could start doing so, but he would do it in small steps. So the moment played out with their eyes meeting as Shane came for his evening shift and Rick was about to leave for the day, a raised hand in a semi-friendly greeting, which Shane responded to like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to. But Rick added a similar semi-friendly smile and Shane’s hard featured softened for a bit, picking up on the small steps and respected that this was all work in progress and he’d have to carry his own weight. Rick felt pleasantly impressed Shane was able to not just spew his mouth like he normally would, but actually fell in step with Rick on the entire flawed relationship of theirs. It seemed like he’d opted to try earnestly to repair things between them.

At least Thursday Rick didn’t get any overtime thanks to lost campers and he was home well in time for dinner to be made. To his surprise Carl had already started packing the ingredients from the fridge and placed a pile on the countertop and when Rick had asked him he’d simply shrugged and said why not, he’d had the time when Rick had picking up Judith from the day care center. The baby girl happily swapped guardians as Rick handed her over to Carl, held back a laugh because the chosen ingredients were a mess and Rick couldn’t possibly think what the combinations of them could create. He figured he’d it would get the honor to be one of those experimental cooks where he’d just wing it and see what happened because his experience lacked a span of recipes when it came to ham and pork, but he was eager to try since they had mainly eaten salads, beef and chicken lately.

He managed to make oven baked mini pizzas without any dough and grilled crust though, taking the thick ham slices he wasn’t even sure when he’d purchased it, thought maybe Carol had left the pack in the freezer at some point, maybe even Daryl but his bets were on Carol and had cut staves of the meat. With some crushed tomatoes and lazy sprinkled choice of oregano just for the flavor, he minced only one clove of garlic and diced the additional fresh tomatoes before mixing it all together. He then reached for three thick ceramic and oven tough deep plates to add the mix into, covering the top with cheese and followed up by putting them in the oven. He had chosen not to use the cream and potatoes that were still on the counter top, figured the easy whip up would be enough and he’d have to pre-boil the potatoes if he’d wanted to use them.

Rick had set the timer to roughly twenty five minutes so the heat could really get through the layers of ham and tomatoes and he attentively slid his eyes over to his phone as it dinged. The name that popped up had a mix of feelings barrage throughout him, worried it was a message saying he wasn’t going to make it but also excitement because it could very well be saying he was on his way. The shriek of Judith enjoying playtime with her brother had Rick smile, shortly taking his attention to the opening of the kitchen where the sound had traveled through despite not being able to see them and then he turned back to the phone, refueled with positive enforcement he opened the text.

Not coming or on his way, well it was neither of the two but it was still good. It seemed like Daryl was just informing Rick he did intend to come by, but he would miss out on dinner and Rick was mainly satisfied that he’d at least assumed he’d be eating with them compared to how hard it had been for them in the beginning to convince Daryl that he was always invited to eat with them if he came by during dinner. It hadn’t been an easy feat, if Rick thought about it he thought himself worthy of at least 80% credit. Okay so maybe it was a bit much, his kids had managed some and if Carol hadn’t been insisting and dragging his ass over, possibly using some less delicate phrases just to make sure he was allowed to be a part of dinner, Rick would most likely still be working on that issue. Maybe it was more around 40-50%, but he would pretend it was 80.

 _No problems, I’ll save you a plate if you haven’t eaten yet?_ Rick texted back, never setting the phone down and smiling all silly like, creases on his skin hiding in the short beard and all, making his cheeks tickle from the strength of it.

 _I have, maybe lunch?_ Well that was definitely too close to disappointment and he sank his hip propped to the countertop, classic eggshell shaped timer ticking on the exhaust fan and Rick was tempted to question some of his previous worrying, if it was even healthy and reasonable, especially when he’d gone a complete 180 when Daryl’s text had turned out to be good news for Rick. The more time that went, he felt like he may be taking everything a little bit more personally, he may be worrying more and he hadn’t even noticed it until. The difference in his Saturday morning confusion and his week based ever evolving one was pretty huge wasn’t it? Not to mention the changes had managed him to imagine the idea of the two of them on a possible date and which was way out of line, unreasonable, by the book and just a little too defining. Then he obviously couldn’t ignore the fact that he had selfishly felt like he had deserved a little more than just a text saying _gonna be busy_ after all his worrying, just to get some solid decency in return wouldn’t have hurt.

 _Definitely, when are you coming?_ He started typing then started hitting back space, didn’t like the way it sounded.

 _Definitely, just drop by when you’re done._ He tried instead and frowned, why did he even feel the need to say anything about him actually coming, one version was ‘I need you to come’ while the other was ‘whatever’ and frankly it left a bad aftertaste in his mouth so he hit backspace again. He wasn’t going to get a good phrasing if it involved any specifics about him coming over.

 _I’ll pack you a box._ He typed out instead and viewed it for a while with raised eyebrows, short, simple, welcoming and caring all in the same non-too obvious sentence. Rick hit send.

 

Dinner passed and as it turns out, the simple dish wasn’t so bad in the end. It did come out like a mini over baked pizza in the taste and Carl tossed a quick thumbs-up in Rick’s direction, he felt stupidly proud to have been able to successfully just toss something together. Usually his experimental moments in the kitchen turned out disastrous. Had he earned the title of master chef now? Probably not, but he did feel like he had, well Carl would call it “leveled up”. There were these games his son would play that you could get professions in and you’d level your skill and advance what kind of bonuses you got from the stuff you made, Carl used so many game terms it usually made Rick’s head spin and that toned down explanation of it was the result of what Rick had understood. His son had clearly had to adjust to a simplified language just for him.

Judith had gotten herself a plate of the last leftovers of Bolognese, it hadn’t been much and so it became the perfect portion size for her as long as they mashed the spaghetti so you couldn’t tell the had ever been the stripy shape once. She didn’t have much, had liked the lasagna better but the more variations of non purées she could start eating the better and so they tried to take what they had and make an alternative baby-get ready for real food-friendly dish whenever they could. At least the more variations she got to try the more of a champ of trying she became, with each new flavor, the less her fuss about this new weird food she threw around.

Rick had quickly packed off a box for Daryl, giving it time to cool on the counter top while they had eaten their food and watched Judith reacting to the taste, well it was her second tasting of the Bolognese, but it didn’t make it less interesting. With the lasagna she’d never really close her mouth, just sort of hanging it open and wait for the next spoon once she’d agreed with the taste of peasants. But the Bolognese, which wasn’t very different really, she’d quirk her nose and pout a little bit before she took the bite. When she ate it the quirking remained but she devoured the bite and they guessed she was just being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.  Or maybe it was just the lack of cheese.

Rick could definitely feel his nerves brewing in the background. They’d been silent and settled since the texts but fuck if they weren’t starting to make themselves known for every minute he got closer to the possibility of Daryl ringing the doorbell. He had to ruffle Carl’s hair when he got a strangely accusing and questioning look from his son and repeated the words of Shane in his head because he was being silly enough to have his son react to it. Or he guessed they had been his words, Shane just repeated it to him but he always heard his friend’s voice, so in the end he’d kind of given the phrase over. Besides, if he had to try and convince himself of anything, it would be the fact that just because he had decided he’d try to take any window of opportunity, up until that point it was all normal and Daryl being over wasn’t exactly anything new to him. Therefore he shouldn’t have any reason at all to he struck by nerves.

Though Rick had spent an hour effectively talking himself down for every minute ticking while cleaning up after dinner, he lost all control when the doorbell rang. He quickly announced he’d get it and that Carl didn’t have to do it for him and almost like he’d teleported into the hallway he was opening the door before he knew it. He held onto the door handle when he’d shoved himself face to face with a very dirty Daryl and he tried not to frown at the amount of smudges which spoke of either severe hard work at the garage or just bad luck to have an oil pipe break above you while working.

Daryl looked somewhat conflicted from the little signs Rick could pick up. A little flushed maybe, if Rick dared he would even go as far as to say the man acted nervous but he hadn’t really seen much of that sign to be able to call it on sight. The only time had been the Friday night when they had kissed again afterwards, carefully with hesitation and wonder. Rick remembered how unsure the lips had tasted at first but how they had transformed into a sense of security, how it wasn’t off limits just because they’d been drunk and rash. How it had cradled them and made him at least believe it was okay even if they had been in the heat of the moment.

He resisted the urge to just lean forward right then and there in the hallway and claim them as his own again, jumping right back to that moment after and just like back then, see if that was still something they could do. He didn’t.

Rick dared a careful smile instead, couldn’t hold it back because the amount of oil and dirt was almost threatening to have a laugh escape from him. It almost faltered when it only made Daryl look unsure as his body pulled itself toward the door. But Rick held on to it, deciding now was not the time to back off and make Daryl think he wasn’t welcome because he looked like a drenched dog with bad luck.

“Fine.” Daryl said like he’d already questioned if Rick was ever going to invite him in or continue to stand around like an idiot, probably wanting to escape being stared at and instead of waiting for him to do so he seemed to just let himself in. Rick stepped away to make space for him in the hallway, stupidly punched in the face by the normal behavior when he’d spent the days going back and forth from okay to paranoid and paranoid to okay. He though unconsciously he may have built up a sweet reunion in his head, or instant confrontation. Rick Grimes thought himself deserving the reason to call life being unfair sometimes, because neither happened.

He was turning around and about to call Daryl’s name when he was interrupted before he could, facing the man as Daryl’s hands worked the boots off his feet.

“Why t’stupid shoe rule anyway?” He asked, voiced muffled through his body blocking it but moving over to the second shoe as his weight shifted balance again. Rick did not spend too much volunteer time looking at the clothed ass, didn’t spend much time but he did have to drag his eyes off while feeling all inappropriate about his actions when the sight did clearly flash a few memories before his eyes. Nope, not happening, the kids were home and Rick Grimes was not going to relive the night of endless memories when they should be talking about it.

“’t shoes man.” He asked again with a hint of irritation as Rick realized he must have been a bit too invested in looking and then have a sit down with himself in his head as to why exactly he obviously couldn’t and shouldn’t. Priorities, one single simple word he had to stick to, unfortunately his brain had formed priorities as a synonym to normal.

“Oh, it’s nice though? Wait now is the time you decide to bring it up? You’ve been going along with it for so long.” Rick replied before smacking himself internally for getting pulled into a silly topic as the shoe rule when his first act should have been to push Daryl through the hallways and into the bathroom, the guy was in dire need to cleaning. Instead of holding on to any kind of focus on wrapping his mind around this bizarre situation for one thing, because all was normal and weird, casual and serious, clean and dirty. Whatever and everything he’d been presented with, he’d been latching on to the sweet gravely voice of Daryl, even if it was about shoes and it was doing stupid things to his scratching nerves.

“Been thinkin’bout ‘t fer a while.” He said as the second shoe popped off his heel and he pulled the rest of the flat out. His balance remained perfectly maintained as he straightened up on the same one foot while nudging his shoes to the side with the hovering one, Rick only felt a little jealous.

“No wait, I remember we took our shoes off at your cabin too, you had a stand and all.” Fight for it Rick, focus and fight to keep your sanity. Or just continue about the shoes, the shoes and the rule was a coward’s comfort and he shouldn’t be opting for it but Daryl was making it hard to try and read any other signs from the man and well, he couldn’t exactly deny that the diverted topic was relaxing him so maybe shoes were fine. It would suffice and he could just be swept into the flow, flow was good. He heard a huff which could have been close to a semi-sarcastic laugh but Rick doubted it was anywhere close to cheery, not after the stale greeting at the door.

“’s all yer fault, got used t’it.” Daryl said and Rick could swear it included a silent statement that Carol would chop his feet off with his shoes on and everything if he were to walk into his own cabin with the muddy boots like he used to do. Rick could guess she’d tried to make the change herself when she’d been living there, probably the only reason why he’d adjusted to Rick’s shoe rule to begin with. Though no matter how normal Daryl seemed with his slight irritation of the shoe matter Rick could pick up the tension in the top of his shoulders, it wasn’t much but it was there, just hidden with the crudeness of Daryl’s personality. It did however, ease Rick’s mind.

“Alright mister, enough with the shoes you’re going into the shower.” Rick snapped himself back into action, he didn’t want Daryl growing tense or maybe he’d been all along with the nervousness at the door and Rick had just been too distracted by the sight of him, all messy but looking damn fine at the same time. So he’d break it off, effectively slice the tension and put a light hand at Daryl’s elbow which initially retreated but stopped halfway and Rick was allowed to circle his fingers a bit tighter around it as he pulled Daryl along toward the bathroom.

“Oh hey Daryl.” Carl said and he, unlike Rick, did not hold back his laugh at the sight. Judith was reaching for Rick, or Daryl, maybe both but was clearly held back by Carl, no matter how much she wanted to they did not need an oily toddler.

“Shut up kid.” Daryl quickly fired at Carl but unlike the casual normal chaos he used toward Rick, he sounded way too teasing toward Carl. _He could tease me all he wanted to_. Wait what.

“Alright you can banter after you clean up, even for you this is a mess.” Rick clearly stated as he fought down a flush and pulled the bathroom door open while listening to Carl’s teasing snickering and no matter how many times Rick could have imagined his next meeting with the man he probably would never have even gotten close to this kind of picture.

“In you go while I grab a change for you.” He quickly continued and nudged Daryl into the bathroom.

“’s  jus’ome oil Curly.” Daryl protested after him without any real fight to it, just a simple self justification to have some winning pride in the little battle but would sacrifice the war just to avoid being force washed.

“Don’t want to hear it Daryl!” Rick shouted back from the bedroom as he rummaged through Daryl’s choices and picked up an entire set of extra’s for him. The water had already started running so Daryl had thankfully agreed to go through with the shower, not that Rick saw why he wouldn’t but you just never knew. As he just entered he caught the man mid yawning and Rick made a mental note to mind his physical state in case Daryl was more tired than he admitted. It didn’t solve any of Rick’s problems with confusion and window of opportunity, but he couldn’t just ignore it even if he felt like being selfish.

Rick left the bathroom despite catching Daryl unbuttoning his pants and removing them before he even got going, but he knew if he did linger that face would turn and give him a glare and Rick wanted to avoid that no matter how tempting it was to catch his form for a few seconds longer when it had so revealingly been presented before him. He made a quick stop at the kitchen to clean his hand which had, for the shortest of touch managed to get soiled black and smudged, just like much of Daryl’s entire body. The bathroom door had closed in the process and Rick joined his son in the living room, reaching for Judith and had her play with his collar.

“Can you ever even get clean after that.” Carl amusedly wondered and Rick thought his son had a pretty fair point.

“I hope it’s possible, that’s our couch that’s going to suffer if it can’t be done.” Rick replied, thinking maybe he should put double layers on it just to be safe, even if it was going to be hot as hell for Daryl. There was the shortest thought that he should be sleeping in the bed and not on the couch, but that was a no go with the kid’s home and Rick quickly erased his thought from ever existing and hoped it could be one for the future instead. He wouldn’t deny he liked the snuggling, warm company, sharing a quilt, the sweet kisses. He definitely enjoyed that after getting a taste of it, twice.

“He’s staying over then?” Carl said with the tiniest hint of excitement like he didn’t want to lead himself on any more than Rick did after the no-show on Friday and then nothing throughout the week.

“Don’t know yet, we’ll have to see. “ It reminded Rick he’d only actually gotten through step one, having Daryl show his face again and any further plan hadn’t been made. Though if it had been before Disaster-Friday-not so disaster, he would have taken it somewhat for granted that the man would, but that was last week and it was too soon to make assumptions.

“He should, Judith would want him to.” Carl continued and made his way over to the couch to sit down with Rick and poke his sisters grabbing hands, diverting her attention on the collar to try and catch her brother’s finger.

 “You know we could use that against him.” Rick said and laughed quietly, using the innocence of his daughter against Daryl seeming like a perfect plan and Carl seem to agree.

Daryl was in the shower for a good twenty five minutes before the light and muffled tapping of water died out behind the door to the bathroom. Normally Daryl would be in and out within 2 to 15 minutes depending on his day but safe to say the twenty five minutes would most certainly have been needed for the amount of dirt he’d showed up with.

Rick and Carl had been on the sofa and lazily kept the TV going in the background while chit chatting and entertaining Judith to the point where she started yawning and Rick decided it was time to put her to bed. He had picked her up and wagged her in his arms in a wave like pattern to his walk, watching her eyes droop close every now and then while trying to fight the sleep. Daryl was just opening the door when Rick was about to pass and he halted and turned her toward him, the little mouth perking up and sleepy eyes trying to focus.

“You want to say good night sweetie?” He cooed at her and was given a second to worry that he’d gone a bit too far without checking the ice first as Daryl stopped in his tracks, caught in the bathroom doorway and stared at them. He feared the risk of the one step forth and two step back scenario was back in motion and well, instead of two steps back would in this case have been a hundred steps back judging from the reaction. Rick’s chest hurt a little at the thought, if that was the case, normal or not normal, where did that leave the two of them and where did it leave Daryl to his extended family which Rick tried to offer him, Rick and everyone else.

Daryl finally relaxed and leaned in while he curled a finger, surprisingly clean and Rick is impressed he’s managed to scrub almost everything off. Actually his skin looked a little pale without all the dirt and his blue eyes were kept company but bloodshot red in the corner of his whites. Rick held back a frown, thought if he put a hand on his chest, would he feel the evidence of lost mass again or not. The crooked finger nudged Judith’s cheek and he mumbles to her in words that aren’t even words because they don’t make sense and he didn’t think Daryl spoke any other languages but maybe he did, but he’s efficiently pulled from his thoughts. Judith was pleased with the attention she was getting and Rick melted when Daryl kissed her head with some hesitation. Like he wasn’t sure when he decided he would do it but the follow through is flawless and earnest. That was good, so good and it brought so much hope. Rick had to adjust his grip on Judith in fear that his limbs melted into jelly at the sight and when Daryl straightened up again he gave Rick a brief look he isn’t ready to decipher. Rick takes his leave, trying to not let his mind run wild and continues to sway her back and forth all the way to her crib.

Judith fell asleep without a fuss, looking like she was pleased after a long day and couldn’t feel any safer in her home and bed, possibly Daryl’s little piece of care served as the finishing touch. Daryl had joined Carl on the sofa and they were talking about comics again, Rick thinks at some point he must have missed that Carl had managed to get Daryl to read some of them because he seemed to be sharing his own views on a story or two. He realizes he had missed the opportunity to use Judith against Daryl, to make him stay over because the girl would love it, but most likely it’s a fact the signs had been good enough to assume by now and perhaps he doesn’t have to use such tactics. His one worry at the time is the fact that that maybe, what if Daryl wasn’t staying over after all, would he even have a chance to see what some alone time between just the two of them could bring after Carl went to bed? He tried to grip harder to his ever evasive patience, refusing to let it go and let it convert Rick into a man of stupid decisions and in the end, he would just have to wait and see how the evening would unfold without leading himself on.

Rick joined them, Carl was in Rick’s usual spot so he looked toward the middle one, which had served as the mid field of their conversation, he was just about to take it when Daryl scooted over and let Rick have his so he and Carl could continue their discussion without having his mop of curls in between them.  He felt a little left out, considered borrowing one of those comics during the morning to read while he was having his coffee just so he could understand what they were talking about but then thinks he may be just a bit lame to feel like he needed to invade in their relationship because his own was labeled _uncertain._

The chatting eventually calmed and Daryl’s yawning became more frequent. Rick had managed to ask him if he’d had a handful with his job to which Daryl had nodded but left no further comment on. It was all too similar to the weeks before and Rick wasn’t a stranger to the fact that Daryl was the type to overwork his ass to exhaustion when he was dealing with shit. Question was if Rick was said shit or if there were something else entirely. Rick ignored the very possible scenario of Dale simply being swamped with customers. The thought left Rick on edge for the following hour, awkwardly worrying on his side of the sofa.

Rick could make sense of him being said _shit_ , he really could and he spent the majority of the show not actually watching it but running through all the scenarios in his head. The only thing he couldn’t make sense of was that Daryl wouldn’t be here if Rick really was said _shit_ , he wouldn’t have allowed the touch to the elbow when Rick stubbornly forced the man to take a shower and he wouldn’t have kissed Judith on the head with all warmth and care. He worried while just staring at the TV, not catching a bit of it except it there had been pigeons at some point and he was definitely getting muscle cramps come morning by the way he was sitting all stiff and not so ergonomic. It all lasted, throughout the episode but he was plucked from his endless stream of thoughts before it was even close to Carl’s bed time by the touch on his shoulder. The follow up sounds of light snores trailed to his ears as he turned his head, watching how Daryl’s face in all defeat, had toppled over onto it and his entire frame had sagged in Rick’s direction, sound asleep so early in the evening. Rick decided he was never again allowed to move, stiff and non-ergonomic, morning pains or not.

The volume was decreased as Carl had been about to say something to Daryl only to find him sleeping already and had reached for the remote to lower it a bit. Rick tried to hold his upper body as still as he could while trying to snake his finger around the edge of the blanket so he could get it over Daryl. Thankfully his son was in full assistance mode and reached for it in Rick’s stead and together they pulled the blanket over Daryl’s lap and stomach. It troubled Rick somewhat that they were able to pull it over him without waking Daryl up because he wasn’t one that easily ventured into deep sleep and his normal reaction toward the tiniest movement would have been to twitch awake with eyes scanning around him, taking in everything for him to make a split second decision. Rick could either hope he was just comfortable enough with him and Carl. Or he could dread what was lingering beneath the exhaustion. Rick really hoped that reason number one was true, but despite not wanting to he leaned toward the latter.

Well fuck window of opportunity or getting any chance to put the puzzle pieces together. Rick could only glance at his sleeping face every now and then for the rest of the evening and feel bad about being somewhat selfish. He had whispered to Carl to get the pillow on the chair and the proper quilt Daryl usually used, which was stored nearby when it wasn’t being used and as his son did, Rick frowned when he expected to wake Daryl up yet again because he was actually trying to weasel his body out, but Daryl never did. Rick carefully assisted the slouching body down after Carl had put the pillow in place and well, he couldn’t get the sheet under but it didn’t matter this one time. Daryl actually looked to be peacefully sleeping and at least that was a good thing.

“Alright, off to bed.” He whispered to Carl who wanted to protest and earn himself another hour but as always he would always lose that battle and Rick’s tactic would remain intact. His son hurried off and left Rick standing alone next to the couch with the light snores coming on and off, looking down at the man, he exhaled a difficult breath.

“So much for answers huh.” He quietly said to himself, tired of not knowing, of never getting even close to figuring anything out because Daryl either kept his distance or his mouth shut. Sure, a majority was on Rick too, he could just ignore the reaction he knew Daryl would most likely get if Rick pushed without the man being open for it. He could do that, but he could lose everything in the process as well. The time it all required was the painful part, knowing they had to meet halfway, unless a reckless push was exactly what he needed to do if he ever wanted to get answers? Rick knew for a fact that Daryl’s mouth worked a hell of a lot better when he was pissed so it could be possible. He’d give Rick a piece of his mind and either they’d kiss and make up or Rick would get punched and Daryl would disappear for a while before coming back, hopefully coming back. Rick didn’t like those odds. Neither was that the way he wanted to go about it.

 

* * *

 

The morning after didn’t proceed any differently from how they used to when Daryl sleeping over was a regular pattern. When Rick woke up there’d be coffee brewing already and it clearly pointed out that Daryl was up before any of them because Carl had never started a single pot in his life even if he was up before Rick. Much to their old pattern, when Rick woke up he was met with the smell of their favorite brew.

Rick met him up in the kitchen, which was, along with the couch, the place he spent most of his time with Daryl and he watched the man go about tidying the counter top half absentmindedly and Rick thought for once he may actually have been able to sneak up on the man when Daryl twitched as Rick said good morning. He was happy about the delightful smell of coffee, but more than that he was happy Daryl was still around, he had almost believed that it would be one of those mornings where he’d be long gone before Rick even knew it.

“Sorry fer fallin’sleep ‘s like that.” He said and shifted his weight like he’d done something wrong and Rick hated to see every second of it.

“Not at all, looked like you needed the sleep.” He quickly said and fetched a mug for himself from the cabinet. He was happy Daryl was still around but he was still red in the eyes, because yes, Rick may have been trying to look at his face a few more times than necessary. His color was better but he still looked tired and the way he’d passed out on the couch only confirmed he couldn’t have been getting much sleep lately. But it looked like he had gotten some last night but it probably hadn’t been enough or he’d woken up sometime during the night, it was impossible to know.

Daryl let his teeth nibbled at the chapped skin on his lips like it would somehow excuse him from his tardiness and pull him from Rick’s attention. His reply only consisted of a mumbling _mmhm_ which clarified nothing and gave Rick no reason to openly pry. If he wanted to do so he needed to find a different way to do so.

“In fact I’m surprised, you didn’t wake up at all when we put the pillow out and had you lay down, sleeping like the dead for all I know.” He said and filled the mug up, expecting a teasing retort in thanks for his attempt to go about it in a light hearted mood but was greeted with silence. Okay so maybe Daryl wasn’t back to being playful in bantering about small stuff yet, Rick thought, but found Daryl oddly spaced out when he had put the pot back and looked over. Rick had thought his color looked better but it seemed to have drained from him again and saw Daryl’s fingers around the mug was gripping as frightening tight as they had been after the Ed situation.

“Hey, what, did I say something wrong?” Rick almost stumbled on his words fighting off the building panic that somehow he was spewing shit and didn’t know about it. He just didn’t know, the weekend had been normal, too normal even and now Daryl was somewhat volatile, how was he supposed to know when the right timing for a real talk would be suitable? How was he supposed to know anything when he had nothing to go on. Shit, that wasn’t the point right now, Rick was about to put his mug away and attempt something, whatever, a hug perhaps or just try and remove the one strangled under Daryl’s fingers, when the man snapped out of it and blinked, then he shook his head.

“Ah nah, shit ‘course not.” Daryl waved him off but Rick hadn’t been blind and Daryl most certainly knew he couldn’t really try to act ignorant about that fact, he’d been completely busted. Rick was just about to ask him if he’d maybe had a bad dream, like he remembered once early on how Daryl had tossed and turned, after that the former dude’s junk against my thigh memory had become a sweet spooning memory for Rick and he’d disconnected the whole reason for it happening. Well fuck it he remembered now, Rick opened his mouth just as Carl’s door squeaked and kind of killed Rick’s moment. Carl didn’t come into the kitchen at first, lazily with sleep lingering in his core he just looked into the kitchen and probably noted Rick didn’t have Judith so he went to get her instead.

“Hey kid. Watcha’want.” Daryl quickly turned his attention to Carl when he came back, who was not at all against breakfast, just against the decision to make so early in the morning and he shrugged with a just as sleepy Judith in his arms, at least she was faster on the recovery than Rick’s son.  Rick cursed his beloved son’s great timing.

“Egg’s then.” Daryl said and watched Carl nod while he walked past them and put his sister in the high chair. Rick didn’t know what to think about the brief exchange, felt how his gut was starting to rip into shreds from building worry for such a short moment before his eyes. Then he felt Daryl’s fingers against his wrist and turned his eyes to meet the other pair.

“’s alright, trust me.” He carefully said, tone quiet to pass it to Rick and only Rick. Though he wasn’t sure it was such a good idea to trust him, Daryl was keenly asking him to do so. He seemed to silently agree when he couldn’t bear looking into Daryl’s eyes anymore, a semi-pissed off _fine_ to his body language because he could either pull Daryl outside or not make an obvious scene in front of Carl. Wasn’t much of a choice, maybe with some more anger it would have been. He felt the fingers squeeze at his wrist.

“’s alright Rick.” Then the fingers released his wrist and Rick was conflicted about being told to not worry when he obviously should and he reluctantly was forced to do the opposite. It became a complicated breakfast for Rick, although he drank the coffee he so much loved, it didn’t taste much for him and much like his Sunday morning he didn't feel like having it at all. Rick had put the plates out and grabbed the juice while Carl had fed Judith. He ate the eggs Daryl had made, but he didn’t feel hungry. Daryl ate like he normally did though and drank the coffee the same way. He mainly listened in on the little talk that went around the table, didn’t exactly put in much of his own opinions but sometimes that was just the way he was and he’d spent a lot of time chatting with Carl yesterday. Rick on the other hand had some trouble keeping up but he tried really hard to not be distracted every time there was a slightly different toned sigh coming for Daryl, or him clearing his throat, or when he moved his hand for his mug of coffee. Rick's high wired senses were reacting to the tiniest reasons but got no justification.

He wanted to respect the fact that Daryl had tried hard to assure Rick that everything was fine, he could agree to trust him but that didn’t mean he couldn't have his internal doubts. At least it wasn’t one of those spiraling out of control- situations which Daryl feared, when things went beyond his limits, it was the version Rick knew of. What he’d seen just before Carl woke up though, it shared some similarities but in the end that had been brand new and he hadn’t liked it one bit. Rick couldn’t even try anything before Daryl announced he was leaving for work. He offered to drive Carl to school because he had taken the truck to Rick’s and when Rick had been about to refuse Carl pleaded with him and said it would be easier for both of them, Rick could go straight to the day care center and Carl would get to school. So Rick agreed, even if something was going on there was no way Daryl would ever put the kids in danger and when Daryl somewhat eagerly met the high five Carl put up Rick thought he should tone his personality down a little, not much, but Daryl was doing high fives, he had been, to Rick’s guessing, sleep deprived and tiredness could space your mind out. So was it normal and happy Daryl or was it shit concerned Daryl, Rick didn’t fucking know, all the signals were mixed.

Daryl and Carl left after grabbing their gear and clothes, Daryl had put on the dirty clothes Rick should have washed as soon as possible but it had slipped his mind. But then again he was just going to the garage where it didn’t matter. Daryl had said good bye to Rick and Judith after confirming his plans to come by after work for their regular dinner with Carol and Sophia. Had it been just a slip? Just like Rick hadn’t washed the dirty clothes? His previous paranoia could be spooking again, reacting to it all too strongly because there was nothing other than sweet caring going on aside from that kitchen incident. He thought he could call the signs and there was no way his stomach would stop its worrying, thought his instincts were good enough yet maybe he was the one who was actually going mental and just looking for shit where there were none? Daryl was going out of his way to ease Rick’s mind, he was driving his son to school, he made sure they had plans for the evening, he’d high five'd, he’d initiated touch, these were all good things. Rick took a deep breath as he started packing his phone, wallet and keys, changed into his uniform. Should he worry or should he honestly trust, Rick never decided but he would have if he’d know how the evening would turn out.


	15. Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Friday dinner at the Grime's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh, so it's been some time since I got somewhere with this, a lot of working overtime had me somewhat detached from everything text related and I'm pretty sure I'm still somewhere back there, but at least there were some motivation enough this weekend to clean through half of this chapter (first half was done two weeks ago tsk tsk, so it's only been cleaned up once, sorry). It's still going, just taking some more time now, but here is at least one chapter!

The apartment was in full bloom of life as the dinner was getting cooked and some wine was going around. Mainly it was Rick and Carol sipping on it while Daryl had settled for a beer and the kids where having coca cola to restricted amounts. Carol had upped her game and a soothing and much to look forward to steak was eating the oven temperatures to that perfect pink inside of it. To that she’d made a salad and some thyme baked diced potatoes, it was more of a feast than any of them had enjoyed for a very long period of time, especially when the steak was brought over from Daryl’s personal stash of deer. Rick could only imagine what it would taste like after he remembered the quick and simple cooking Daryl had done at the cabin, now with the steak and Carol’s skills it could taste nothing but amazing.

Carl hadn’t shut up about arriving to school and having his friends and fellow kids see the badass behind the wheel of the old and busted up truck that ran flawlessly, which one would do with a mechanic as its owner. Apparently Carl had become the hot topic in class and accidentally bragged about Daryl’s motorcycle, may have exaggerated that he got to ride that too, which was a topic Rick still had as a maybe and no further negotiations had been provoked but it wouldn’t take long for Carl to try his luck now.

Though Daryl had opted to relax at the table he was spending some well needed time with Sophia. It seemed he’d stopped by Carol’s once earlier during the week to make up for missing dinner and Rick didn’t blame him for going there before moving along to the next one in line. Now they were talking about one of Daryl’s hunting areas he’d taken Sophia to once and besides Carl being the hot topic, Sophia had apparently gotten involved too after she had met them at the gate before Daryl continued on to work. Seemed like the kids at school were easy to impress, all you needed was a rough around the edges look with a beat up truck and a bike to start the fuzz while a lawfully serving cop of honor wasn’t worth much in comparison. But Daryl looked happy and the way he was minding Carol and paid a lot of attention to her had Rick thinking she had gotten better progress than he himself had, he thought of the shoe statement and smiled over the power Carol had over someone like Daryl and refused to realize he may be bordering close to jealousy when it all came down to it.

There was no sign of any repetition of the morning incident and Rick’s paranoia was washing off him bit by bit. A couple of times when Daryl wasn’t engaging in conversation with anyone else Rick caught him just watching the scenario before him, almost like he was content or close to and it did serve as a good look on his face, relaxed like that. He felt hopeful that tonight would be the chance he’d been looking for with Daryl seeming more receptive than he usually did and if it wasn’t his paranoia messing with him his nerves had replaced it and started up right where they’d left off.

Rick even thought it was way too soon for them to start messing with him, just because he knew he and Daryl would most likely be alone after the others left, even if he wanted to go Rick thought he’d stay if he only asked, it didn’t give his nerves reason enough to kick up so early, yet they did despite how much he tried to divert them. There had even been talk of some games after dinner but you never knew if that would be followed through or not. He looked at his wine as Carol took the steak out of the oven and decided it was the last glass, he didn’t want to risk getting tipsy if the window would open later that evening and though he didn’t notice it at the time, Daryl too stopped drinking any more beer after Rick finished his glass of wine and never went for a refill.

He knew he had grand plans if he were presented with the chance to go through with them. Well grand may have been a bit of a stretch but still. The problem was that the food had been too damn amazing and he felt his stomach cramping because he’d eaten way too much and he may just not survive the evening.  Daryl and Carol had teamed up against the dishes, letting Rick off the hook when he was looking like he’d fall asleep any second due to food coma. To keep himself awake he remembered he never got around to read that comic and asked his son to walk him through the basic story line, the never ending chatter from his son was like a doubled edged sword, either risking him falling asleep faster but also not letting him get close at all. Sophia was pitching in every now and then, not as involved as Carl but she’d read enough from his recommendations. They were frighteningly knowledgeable about the story and maybe he’d been a bit neglecting on that end, not knowing how invested his kid was more than a general idea. At least he got up to speed on what it was all about and Carl looked pretty happy about him taking interest in it, like he didn’t get what took Rick so long.

They didn’t whip out any board games but there was a deck of cards on the kitchen table when it all came down to it. Rick wanted to pick up his precious ego and escape the field, knowing Daryl was a cheat when it came to cards but he couldn’t avoid getting pulled into a couple of games. Carol was a surprisingly good match for Daryl, every now and then they played the merciful adults to indulge the kids but in the end they refused to lose and butted heads worse than Rick had done with Shane in his teens. The kids were luckily at that delicate age where the adults could hold back and still get away with it, but around Rick’s kitchen table though, the adults seemed to believe in harsh truth and besides, they had Rick getting kicked out from the game before any of them anyway so they always had the same first loser.

After six rounds Rick waved his white flag in defeat and opted to sort the food out instead, his stomach finally allowing him to move around. He sliced the remaining meat and put two pieces in every box while the game continued around the table. The salad was placed in one single box on its own, didn’t do much good to mix it with the other food and the potatoes went in a proper amount to the slices. In total he counted 5 boxes of leftovers. The steak had been big but he hadn’t fully realized the entire size of it until he saw how much was left despite them all eating their fill. Daryl had at some point snuck up on him and started stacking the boxes before they were to be carried into the fridge, he was pleasantly close almost enough to have their sides brushing together and for once Rick couldn’t pick up any signs of Daryl being weary about the amount of distance he so often required. The time of his stomach knotting because of it was short, one box on top of another, then a third and then a new pile with the two remaining boxes but it was enough time to fry his brain before the building heat he imagined was going to light up in a fire, disappeared when Daryl took one stack to the fridge and then the second stack, leaving his side as fast as he had gotten there.

Rick caught Carol watching him, maybe conveying a question if Rick was buying this picture of happiness that was going around and he honestly wanted to believe it, but they still lingered on what they had talked about on the phone and for now they would just enjoy it while keeping their eyes open. Though Rick’s gut had been all over the place, sliced to shreds but churning with warmth, giddiness and worry and all throughout it just confused, he was still holding on to that one feeling that this seemed to be going okay and it was probably the only thing keeping him sane, he was actually starting to believe it. In the end he settled to convey back a ‘ _don’t know yet’_ and she nodded, ready to follow Rick’s lead or maybe have Rick follow hers.

They had been left in the kitchen to pack up the cards while Daryl had gone out for a quick smoke.

“So we got desert?” Carl enthusiastically asked and looked to Rick, who looked to Carol and she smiled to give the kids a nod before she got up and joined Rick at the counter top. She asked him to take out the ice cream and cream while she grabbed a cutting board and a couple of bananas. Rick did as he’d been instructed and after that she told him to whip the cream, didn’t have to be thick and fluffy but halfway would be fine. Carol started cutting the bananas in tiny half moons, Rick got a bowl down to start whipping the cream and since he rarely used to do it he’d forgotten it was a little bit of a hassle without an electrical device to do so. Usually it had been Lori whipping the cream when she made birthday cakes but on the occasions where they had lent it out or it had been broken she’d passed the bowl to Rick and had him do it. That had been such a long time ago though.

Still he was working on it while Carol dumped the bananas in a larger bowl and opened a pack of meringues and put that into the mix too before she started spooning pieces of ice cream which had started warming up. She’d taken the entire package of ice cream at the end of it and leaned over to look at the progress of the cream, satisfied she snatched the bucket and scooped it over until everything was in the same one together and being mixed before she called for the kids to get the chocolate topping and held the bowl down for them to squeeze it from the tube, circling it around the desert.

Daryl had just come back inside by the sound of the door and the tap of a pack against the windowsill and looked at the bowl like he had no idea what the fuck that creation even was. Desert was usually cake or pie, at least that was what they could read on his face and Carol huffed a laugh in his direction, said the desert wouldn’t bite him and he half heartedly told her to shut up before slipping past and sitting down on his seat again. Was it all a bit too surreal? Rick had spent the week worrying endlessly, hoping and dreading which was why the contrast of this Friday was a real strange sight to behold.

But maybe that was just it as they all sat down again at the table with deep plates scooping the cold desert into them. Rick had two things lingering in his mind, for one it was too surreal, like all things considered things weren’t supposed to be this smooth and the second was his thought in the morning, maybe Daryl was going a little too far out of his way to make up for his mistake. It’s what overtook Rick’s temporarily jolly mind as he ate his ice cream mix and watched his son and daughter, Sophia, Daryl and Carol eat too. Rick couldn’t help himself feeling like he’d been led into a false sense of security while constantly having his gut getting constantly challenged by this non-threatening kitchen mood with ice cream, kids, adults and laughs.

Halfway through desert which seemed to be consumed a lot slower for Rick as his mind was pondering and watching for any details and clues to help him make up his mind which of the scenarios this was, Daryl had swapped spots with Carl and was actually taking his time to feed Judith tiny spoonfuls of desert. Things like these were what made Rick doubt whatever fears he experienced throughout the day and week. It had taken them so long before the man had even dared hold the baby and even after that he rarely did other than pass her from son to father or father to son. Now he was feeding her ice cream all on his own and by his own free will to do so and had opted back to this non-language which seemed to suit Judith just fine. Between each spoon he was careful to take a napkin and wipe any trickles from her mouth and then continued back like it was routine, like the two of them had done this plenty of times. But they hadn’t and though that was the case, Daryl seemed to know where her limit was and ceased the feeding when she had enough. He’d probably picked it all up from watching him and Carl feeding her during his time with them.

Judith had protested when the automatic feeding had stopped, twisting sourly in her lips to try and convince the adult she was good for more when they all knew she wasn’t. Daryl lifted her up and took her to the sink to wet the remaining clean side of the napkin and wiped any remaining ice cream from her lips and cheeks and she quickly swapped from dissatisfied to happily content with the new treatment which seemed to come from her person of choice, the desert long forgotten.

She sat on top of his hip with and arm around her back to secure her placement and Rick smiled, Daryl had finally caved to Judith’s whims and now she would always want to demand the same amount of spoiling attention, knowing it was allowed. Rick knew that evil happy face his daughter had plastered on her face and what it would mean so when the moment came when Daryl would want to put her down in her seat again, he’d be met with the crying face of Judith.

To Rick’s surprise though Daryl didn’t clean her up to just put her back in the high chair again. He stuck around the sink, within reach of the others but probably enjoying a breather because he was due to one after all the social friendliness that had been going around the table. Rick made a note to check up on him later when he got the chance, probably he wasn’t too far from going for a smoke which he probably would have already if he hadn’t picked Judith up. For now he seemed to settle for some six feet of reasonable distance to the table and to put his focus on the less socially draining toddler which couldn’t properly communicate. But it was a sight to enjoy and he could see Carol’s eyes would stray from time to time when she and Rick weren’t talking, probably enjoying it just as much.

Judith did cry when Daryl tried to put him down and his face was priceless. Rick was sure everyone was trying their damn hardest not to laugh at how lost the man looked and only seemed to be able to conjure up one solution for his problem, picking her up again. The second he did she settled down again and blinked at him with wet eyes, like she couldn’t believe he’d just tried to abandon her and Carl chose that moment to show off his wise ass.

“Yeah you’re stuck now, she does that.” He smiled at Daryl and the teasing took one turn each around the table before Rick couldn’t bear the sight before him and got up to offer his assistance. She didn’t exactly cry but she was damn near to when Daryl handed her over and he had to stay tight enough when she refused to let go of his t-shirt. Rick started swaying the three of them, Daryl being forced to move along with him because it was either that or have his shirt being pulled at if he didn’t. Rick kept one hand up to move his fingers so her eyes would follow the stray pattern, catching her interest and ultimately distracting her enough to let go of the t-shirt and Daryl mouthed him a quick thanks before he took one careful step back to make sure he was safe enough to get away without her calling down thunder.

“Thanks fer t’ warnin’ kid.” He bickered and then disappeared outside. Carol hummed as she followed him, probably needing her breather too since she’d been watching the kids for most of the evening after cooking the food. Rick, Carl and Sophia stayed inside, picking the desert plates from the table and moved them over to the sink. Rick watched the kid daringly take care of the dishes and chuckled at the future second round face of being at loss at what to do when Daryl’s precious dishes would be gone already but hey, the kids helping out was something they should be encouraging. Looking at them standing on the top of their feet to reach was a warm sight and Rick was happy to be reminded what a great influence Sophia had been on Carl.

After the kids where done Rick was still carrying Judith with him when he walked from the kitchen to the living room to announce it was about time for the kid’s to be picked up.

 He could see them through the window, Daryl was leaning his body toward the railing like he normally would and Carol was standing next to him but all straight back and arms tucked around herself like an old habit that was hard to shake because it wasn’t exactly cold outside. Rick was struck with a sight of Daryl’s cabin being around them instead of Rick’s semi-balcony area, thought this was something straight from the time when Carol had lived at Daryl’s place and that they looked so natural and comfortable next to each other. A friendship so different from his own and he delayed himself to give them a few more minutes to talk, called Carl over to hand him Judith before he knocked on the glass.

“Lori’s going to be here soon, if you want to say bye to the kids.” He said when he opened the door, double set of eyes on him at first, Daryl being the first one to turn back and suck a last drag from his stump of a cigarette before he killed it in the ashtray.

“Sure.” Daryl said and straightened up and turned around.

“Do you and Sophia want to stay for a while after?” He asked and laid his eyes on Carol. She seemed to think about it, with a trace of knowledge to her feature like she thought she should get going to give the two of them some space and quiet but if Carol actually knew anything related to some more intimate experiences she didn’t let Rick in on it.

“An hour maybe? Think Sophia wants to spend some time with Mr. Moody here.” She teased and nudged Daryl in the side simply because she had the chance to do so.

“Ain’t moody.” He quickly defended himself. Rick may or may not have felt some hints of jealousy to the easy flow between the two of them but without Carol, well there hadn’t been anything at all for him and despite all the affectionate little acts between them there was just this common knowledge that there would be nothing romantic ever to be produced between them. They were more like siblings, which Rick should have understood a lot sooner than he actually did, which had been just now.

“Oh please, you’re always some percentage of moody, I’ll stop if you smile for real, teeth and all.” Her grin was cruel but oh she was enjoying it, knew Daryl was more likely to choose defeat rather than force himself to that extent.

“Shut up.” He caved and twisted his head away to sulk on his own, like Carol being able to keep looking at him with her expectant and grinning smile would be too much for him to handle. Carol actually laughed at that and had Daryl snort and mutter about him being robbed of all his safe zones with all these damn kids and adults.

 “He just told me about the time Merle tried to teach him how to ride a bike, ended up with a broken leg.” She continued and smiled at the story she’d just heard. Rick had a hard time getting the image of a young Merle into his head, even more trouble placing it in a teaching manner but even though it was hard to put together he didn’t doubt it at all. Merle had been the only family member that had mattered as far as he knew.

“I bet it was all his fault.” Rick guessed.

“It was, Merle pushed the bike too hard just before the road started going downhill, he said he couldn’t stop the bike and ended up crashing it.” Carol giggled.

“Hurt like a bitch.” Daryl chipped in after turning his attention back to the two of them, satisfied with the amount of sulking he’d managed.

“Geez, Merle really?” Rick exhaled up into the air thinking maybe it would reach Merle and maybe, Rick didn’t know, stub his toe on the toilet and curse inside his cell or something.

 “Dad, mom’s here.” Carl said after pushing the door open, Rick strayed for a bit wondering if they were coming inside but ultimately went inside after his son. Carol glanced over at Daryl who was grabbing another smoke from his pack.

“Not going to say hello to the ex?” Carol teased and Daryl snorted while he lit the tip of the smoke.

“Shut up.” Carol didn’t shut up.

“What, it’s just a question.” She fought on and watched curiously while the mood turned less chipper.

“Ain’t yet business.” He said, clearly less teasingly amused than he’d been before but wasn’t afraid to show it.

“Oh Pookie, I just want you to let you treat yourself to some happiness.” She said, no teasing left in her either and she placed a delicate hand on his cheek and just lovingly held it there. He let her have her way with the touch of kindness, all until she felt satisfied and dropped it.

“Which means you have no reason to hide, anyways I am going to go and say hi.” She finished and then let Daryl have the semi-balcony all of to himself.

 

Carol joined them in the hallways just as Carl handed Judith over to Lori, she had this twist to her lips that told Rick she was making some kind of scan and log on the woman before her which was to be evaluated later. She was all polite and smiling face forward when they shook hands and when Carl introduced Sophia, Lori mentioned they had met once when Lori happened to be the one picking the kids up from school and they exchanged some quick small talk about cooking and being mothers. All in all Rick figured Carol already had a pretty good idea of what kind of woman Lori was, but she also knew some of the history between the previously married couple and wasn’t ignorant of the difficulties that had been and why.

Carl had looked pretty funny when he’d held out his hand to take the secondary bag containing his clothes and some of Judith’s, all while carrying the baby bag but he was stubbornly holding everything to help his mother out. Lori had lingered on something, Rick knew the look on her face but she had postponed it when Carol had joined, probably not expecting her. But with everything packed and the kids ready to go she had to and Lori had looked over to Rick, said she had something she wanted to talk to him about and asked if they could do it soon. Rick thought about the time, the weekend, not knowing how things would turn out and had asked if it could wait until he came to pick the kids up. Lori had pursed her lips but ultimately agreed. They said their good bye in the hallway and Carol turned her head toward Rick with a tiny evil smirk.

“Wow, I didn’t know you liked pretty brunettes.” She said and Rick felt his blood freeze inside his veins for a moment. Carol had said it suggestively enough to make Rick fear that maybe she’d noticed something after all. It wouldn’t have surprise him if he was honest, she was pretty sharp. She playfully swatted him on the arm when she noticed her attempt had caused the wrong effect.

“Oh relax. I am messing with you Rick.” And maybe she was really just messing with him or she was a goddess of mercy. Rick didn’t think he would ever find out.

 

Rick had hoped he would get some time alone with Carol to unload, talk about whatever and then some things in specifics. They could really have used the time to look into their shared _don’t know_ situation. They didn’t get that luxury though, after Lori left Sophia went to find Daryl and brought him inside, she was gone for just a second so they made an attempt to start the conversation but couldn’t get further than Rick saying her name before they heard the rustling of steps and the sound of the balcony door open and close. They peaked into the living room where Daryl was following after Sophia by the hand and they heard her telling him he was smoking too much, it made both of them laugh at his expense for being scolded by a kid.  

The hour Carol and Sophia stayed was spent in the living room with Rick and Carol on the couch while Sophia and Daryl was sitting on the edge of the rug under the coffee table. She had her phone out and was pointing at the screen explaining some kind of rules, then flipped the phone horizontally and started pressing on the screen to give some kind of preview before she handed it over. The smart phone looked foreign in Daryl’s hands and his thumbs were awkwardly trying to imitate the way Sophia had moved them. If they were going to judge from what the kid was saying, Daryl wasn’t winning the game and seemed to have a weakness toward the piece of electronic as his frustration became more and more clear, didn’t help that Sophia was enjoying the hell out of it.

The phone would probably have needed to be replaced with a new one if it hadn’t been Sophia’s and Daryl’s keen interest to not let himself get too mad at the item in her presence, otherwise it would most likely have ended up in the wall just like Dale had said he threw wrenches when the cars were not taking to his treatment of them. Roughly spot on the hour Carol was stretching herself on the couch by raising her hands above her head, exhaling and explaining she was all spent. Daryl had huffed and asked if she wanted to trade his wood stiff ass from sitting on the floor, the carpet not really doing much for his age while Sophia didn’t seem to mind. _Damn young ones_ he had heard Daryl mutter and watched Sophia point a finger at him telling him to mind his language and Daryl pinched her nose and replied that he was an adult and was allowed to use whatever language he wanted.

Carol and Sophia got a hug from both Rick and Daryl before leaving. He figured he could text Carol later or even call her if he had a moment of free time alone without prying ears but he didn’t know what would come first, a chance to call Carol or a chance to talk. Fortunately he didn’t have to hunt for an opening or wait the entire evening like he had prepared himself to, they had lingered in the hallway after the door had closed and Rick had only started to think about it when he was taken by surprise.

“Alright, comon’ ask ‘f ye wanna. Ye ain’t been discreet ‘ven ‘f ye think so.” Daryl went right ahead in an open and complete invitation to have a serious conversation. Rick had to look at him for a few seconds to make sure the scene was real, he may have just been more affected by the two glasses of wine he’d stopped drinking long ago, which was impossible. There was no way he believed it could be true, no way it would be that easy for him after all the struggle but then again Rick had spent the evening both looking his way and tried his hardest not to so, Daryl must have figured him out.

 “Okay, are you alright?” He asked though it seemed silly after all the jolliness, but it had lingered on his tongue for days and he had to get it out. This time he was going to do things right.

“No, ain’t no way ye?” He replied because it was the obvious answer and Rick knew it, the circumstances and the new life, Daryl wasn’t denying that which Rick already knew. By now his heart would probably be all covered and ridged from scar tissue, all the worrying and the hurt that soared through it at some simple words and admittance.

“And this morning?” He continued, planned to make the most of it when he had a free card to do so, trying to work his sad frown off his face in the process.

“Merle ‘s all. ‘s hard.” Daryl said and lowered his head a little to contain whatever he was feeling, Merle spooking and his ability to affect Daryl’s mood wasn’t anything new and if it was true, though why Daryl would lie to Rick was beyond him, he had really tried to calm Rick down and told him things were okay. He may not be alright but things were okay. Alright come on now, he was almost there. Rick wanted to turn his eyes away because the entire source to his confusion and doubt, even mixed in eagerness, lay next in line but now that it was just out right allowed to ask he had a hard time doing it.

“And you know, what we did.. last Friday?” Rick didn’t look away when he asked it, no matter how much he wanted to, he denied himself that right.

“’s drunk, jus’ happened.” He started and Rick felt his chest hurting, it was one of the possibilities he had considered, the most logical one too. But it did come clear as a cloud free sky that Daryl had in fact remembered it all. For a while Rick had considered he may have been drunk enough in his ‘daryl intoxicated’ way to not remember. But he had and he’d brushed it all off even though he had been fully aware and sent Rick spiraling down into his pit of confusion because of it. So that meant Daryl just wanted to go back to normal, half involved with Rick’s family, as long as they were clear on where they stood. Despite the words sounding like a rejection Rick ignored feeling it, he could do normal. He wasn’t even sure what he had been expecting, felt like he had blown things way out of proportions now after such a simple answer and he just wanted to go into the bathroom and look at his face in the mirror while he slapped himself.

The confusion and not knowing had completely wrecked his common sense, they had been fine all along and he just had to stew his mind and make it more complicated than it should have been. In fact, wasn’t he still stewing on it though he’d just agreed with himself to not do exactly that? Whatever he was doing it must have been showing on his face, because he re-attached himself to reality when Daryl placed a hand at the back of his neck and then Rick could feel those lips he only had in memory on his own. It was short but Rick stopped thinking and his tongue swiped over the little wetness on his lips as Daryl pulled back and retracted his hand.

“Ain’t got regrets Rick.” Daryl said and just patiently waited for whatever reaction he was expecting from Rick, looking so unsure of what Rick would do and was just waiting for him to say _but I do._ Over his dead body that he would say anything even remotely close to that, fuck that Rick was able to make him look so insecure about it, had he been that bad at conveying that it didn’t matter what they were as long as they were something?  Okay so maybe he had to admit he’d been stuck in his own head and been somewhat close to the level of difficult that Daryl had been. It wasn’t like he had opened his mouth or put on some grand gesture. He’d just waited for Daryl to bring him along and almost ruined himself in the process, the only reasonable excuse he had was the complications of possible disaster if he tried to initiate anything. So he had waited, waited for a sign that it was okay to ask or act, he’d been stupid, he should have considered the fact that Daryl may have been thinking the same thing.

“Again.” Rick requested, feeling impatient, childish and melting from the residue of lips. The sparking lights that hit inside his skull when Daryl kissed him again was the definition of perfection, he’d gotten a taste of it before and why the hell hadn’t he just screwed normal over and kissed Daryl right there in the kitchen the morning after? He was now pretty sure he had probably wanted to all along, had he only realized that sooner.  They had wasted so much time because Rick had been thrown off the scent, brain too thick and retarded and focused on the problems and the unknown, which reminded him he didn’t even know why Daryl had acted like he either didn’t remember or it hadn’t mattered. The man had just flat out said he had no regrets, so it was a relevant point but fuck if that could wait. Besides, it had been one week too long since they had kissed like this, one week of waste when Rick could have been devouring his fill for all it seemed like.

He received those smoke tortured lips like his life depended on it, their bodies moving in close just for the sake of being near and feeling good about it. It wasn’t anywhere close to the frenzy of getting tossed into the lot, this was straight back to that sweetness of confirmation that it was something they could do, the carefully selected kissing which brought bliss and ease to his mind and it was just that simple. Rick should have dug around his brain and just kissed him in the kitchen, but it was always easy to be the wiser with the aftermath in hand. Just as the kissing they were acting innocent, hands not attempting to touch like filthy beasts, just a light caress of the hip or a purchase of support on the shoulder. There wasn’t even any tongue action except for wiping off light excess saliva whenever they broke apart from the lips, though the sight Daryl’s tongue doing it was intoxicating Rick’s imagination.

“You thought I had regrets?” He asked during their first real recess, he thought by the kissing that Daryl would have been convinced he didn’t have any, but it still lingered on Rick’s mind no matter how much the kisses were ready to swoop him from off his feet.

“Figured ye wouldn’t appreciate it, yer a normal ex-wife guy, works fer t’ damn law. ‘sides, ain’t never worked like that fer me. Come mornin’ well..” Daryl reluctantly admitted and it was a lot of information to swallow, a little bit harsh if Rick was honest because he didn’t think he was the solid identification of that, not after working long enough to make Daryl a part of their family. Rick ducked his head to rest his fore head on Daryl’s shoulder in his defeat, even if he didn’t think he painted that picture maybe that was exactly what he looked like from someone else’s eyes.

“What am I, a poster boy for that life?” Rick asked with a sigh, not denying it but definitely sounding a bit disappointed at his apparent image, then he lifted his head from Daryl’s shoulder which, had rested pretty damn finely and he just wanted to nestle it right back.

“Kinda’” Daryl stated without much more to it, instead Rick focused on how the fingers started twirling some of his neck curls around them instead, almost like a scalp massage and Daryl probably didn’t even realize how similar it was. He probably just did it to keep his hands busy in good fit with Rick’s resting head, like how he was always fiddling with things or biting his lips, but Rick did definitely enjoy it. Sometimes the strands would strain a little bit then the buzzing would come afterward in the roots.

Rick had grabbed Daryl’s hair, remembered doing it but was now intrigued how it would feel if Daryl was the one doing it. His hands would be rougher than Lori’s sometimes playful and delicate fingers, she’d purr at the touch but Daryl? That would be something rivaling Rick’s usual dominance.

“What do you mean though?” Rick asked and nervously tangled his fingers with Daryl’s free hand, even if they weren’t kissing it seemed like they at least needed to constantly touch in one way or another, Rick maybe a little more so than Daryl.

“ ‘s jus’, ju’s been sex ‘s sex. Ain’t ever been wit’ a guy ‘fore tho’, jus’ ain’t ever been anythin’ special with’t. So’s ye, thought I jus’, stringed ye along, ye kno? Drunk ‘n all. Ain’t like yer gay either, what ‘s I suppos’ t’ think?” Daryl explained, maybe a little bit awkwardly like he wasn’t used to the idea of this kind of talk or the need to explain the things he did or said. With the history of his close relationship being limited to Merle for all Rick knew, he doubted they’d explored many hearts to hearts unless it was out of desperation. Despite that he looked pretty calm, pretty decided on standing there until Rick thought he had nothing more to say or ask, Rick just squeezed the fingers in his own, in the end it had come down to simple biology and experience. Or at least Rick assumed Daryl was saying his experience so far was real shitty if it was just something ‘you did’ and then that was it.

“No way it would have gone so far, alcohol or not, if I didn’t want to. So what, if I hadn’t been dumb and waited, and just kissed you in the kitchen.. That would have been fine?” He asked, if he had understood things correctly then it would just have been more kissing and he could have claimed that as something normal for them, could have made it permanent if he so wanted it to be and Rick watched Daryl shrug.

“If ye’d wanted to, prolly yea.” Daryl tried to hide his face and mumble things out for Rick to possibly miss half of it, embarrassed maybe? Rick eagerly released the hand he was holding and placed it at Daryl’s cheek to prevent him from successfully escaping.  Daryl though, retaliated by closing his eyes and nibble at his lips instead, Rick couldn’t do much about that, but it looked pretty cute and he thought he viewed a chance to show the man how different things could be with some devotion. Sex could still just be sex but that didn’t have to rule out additional the affection that Daryl seemed to have been missing out on, or perhaps he simply hadn’t needed it. Rick could give him everything of that.

“Shit if I hadn’t been so thrown off, been thinking about it so much.” Rick admitted, he didn’t mention he hadn’t thought about the time they had been in the kitchen, but he probably would have if things had played out differently or if he had just grown a pair and actually managed to realize he had wanted to, well that came a week too late. The heavy lids opened, looking a little guilty and Rick wasn’t sure if his heart was shrinking or expanding, possibly both in an unhealthy combination.

“Gonna talk all evenin’?” Daryl questioned and although Rick’s first response would have been that yes, he’d love to, he didn’t mind the dick delicious blood flow of the suggestive tone had other plans for him.

“You’re being difficult.” He just said, regretting it a little at the slight flinch at his words.

“Not what I meant, just you know, I admit it was a change I couldn’t have ever imagined but, this, I like this.” He explained, hoping to nail the importance of them actually talking about things that did matter, the two of them together. Daryl, maybe embarrassed or just done with words relieved his hand on Rick’s neck and reached for the one Rick had at his jaw, gripped it lightly and pulled it down to place it close to his hip, but conveniently close to his ass with the silence of _touch me already_. Even if Rick liked the talking, that didn’t mean Daryl did, but he’d tried, tried to answer whatever question Rick had thrown in his direction. He probably had a lot more, because he hadn’t lied, he had really liked cutting away the edgy worries that had lingered like caked concrete over his skin and slowly smothered him.

“’m sorry.” Daryl said and Rick frowned, thrown off guard as he had been about to caress that sweet shaped ass his fingers were so close to.

“For what? Not saying anything?” He asked, seconds ticking painfully slow and Rick pondered the thought of disaster Friday being the possible reason but it sounded more general than anything specific.

“Jus’ fer everythin’.” Daryl didn’t give him anything else and deluded Rick into the intoxication of lust as he hungrily kissed at Rick’s lips, if this was his apology Rick wasn’t minding it. Daryl hadn’t looked anything but honest when he’d said he didn’t have any regrets, he hadn’t looked anything but honest when he’d said he didn’t know how this evolved version of activity worked, hadn’t looked anything but honest when he’d said he was sorry.

“It’s alright.” He said, didn’t think about it until Daryl released a guttural low sound almost making Rick jump.

“’nough wastin’ time.” He followed up, almost sounding like a threat and Rick wasn’t sure he wanted to know what was going to happen to him if he didn’t comply. His hand finally resumed to act, trailing back and feeling over the clothed ass, they had time and they could talk more later, for now he was satisfied enough that it wasn’t something banned or ugly and regretful.

“You in a hurry?” He teased, swiping his tongue over Daryl’s kiss sweetened lips, thought they seemed to taste better this time around or he was just aware that he could be allowed this, wasn’t just something that happened, this was willfully initiated. Daryl looked like he wanted to give Rick a piece of his mind but he didn’t, just took his hands, grabbed at the hem of Rick’s jeans and pulled him. If Daryl wasn’t reserved and secretive he was direct and forceful, dragging Rick along with him to the bedroom.

It was both thrilling and scaring with a sober state of mind. The difference in awareness from some whiskey to none, with no safety net in the form of alcohol to hold on to when his eyes were watching another man, smelling another man, hearing him and touching him, making all so real that it wasn’t anything like before. He could worry for a split second that his previous very straight and married life would pop out and screw him over, but he didn’t have to. Any risk of it happening was smacked away when he was knocked down onto the bed at the force of Daryl, feeling a brimming sensation that his dominance was rivaled and it was burning most of the fuses he had. Rick had started propping himself up, prepared to grab at Daryl’s shirt and just as challenging, pull him down along with him. What stopped him were Daryl’s hands, now free of Rick after putting him where Daryl had wanted him. For a few seconds he didn’t do anything, then one by one and painfully slow, he was undoing the buttons.  Okay his heart was definitely swelling, painfully in anticipation, angst, thrill and _holy shits_ with the shirt creaking open _._

Rick slapped himself mentally, telling himself not to stare in case it would give Daryl the wrong impression, but it was better than he had imagined. Like the man’s arms, there were indeed muscle underneath the shirt, he’d felt it but now he could see it. The chest lacked the similar tan but it wasn’t pale, Rick entertained himself with the brief thought that if he’d dropped by the cabin unannounced he may have caught the man topless cleaving wood or something. Some scars were spotted out but nothing major except two nastier ones, one at the side of his ribs, opposite from where the bruising had been and the other just below the left collar bone, a patch of pale and old burnt skin. He could see that Daryl was indeed lacking some weight, he knew he’d felt it when he’d touched Daryl’s stomach, but it wasn’t as bad as it had felt and he’d most likely been able to put on a few recently. At least that eased his mind.

After the last button Rick had to stop himself from watching the show too obviously, but could he be blamed? He had wondered after all, shower thoughts and whatnot and he thought he deserved a look or two, maybe three or why not ten to infinity. Daryl left the shirt open and popped the button of his jeans, continuing his semi-strip tease and he easily pushed them down, stepping out of the legs. He was left standing next to the bed, boxers bulging and shirt open and like they were having a fight he was mockingly winning he, tilted his chin up. Rick thought he was just playing dirty, quickly discarding his own t-shirt before he swiftly reached for purchase and pulled Daryl down onto the bed, toppling them over to get the man beneath him.

Rick hesitated, waited palm down and fingers stretched. The button down shirt lay pooled on both sides, chest inviting and he really just wanted to go ahead and touch it to his heart’s content. But Daryl had nearly kicked Rick off the last and only time he’d tried to touch him on the stomach. Rick hadn’t intended to startle him, he hadn’t known but he knew better this time. He watched Daryl’s chest rise up in a deep breath and then sink at the exhale before he visibly decided and guided Rick’s hand with his own, planting the palm flat on his stomach, suppressing a shiver at the contact.

The skin was hot beneath Rick’s fingertip’s, he dragged them up across the stomach toward the middle of his chest as he leaned forward to continue kissing and hopefully direct some attention away from what Daryl was struggling to allow. Rick couldn’t ignore the tiny hitches that Daryl tried to hide, less able to do so when Rick’s lips were taking care of Daryl’s but they soon faded. He had tried to just hold still, applying a light pressure to make it known that his hand was there but that he wasn’t overstepping, it was bizarre that the same man had cockingly tilted his chin up to rile Rick up just a minute ago and now he was suppressing every fiber of his bodies instinct to recoil and flee.

He parted their lips to allow Daryl some oxygen and swung his leg over Daryl’s hip, nestled his head in the crook of Daryl’s shoulder so he could continue his assault. He dared moving his hand, feeling the skin map out beneath the tips of his fingers, catching a circular nub of tissue every now and then felt the hardness beneath his own hips as he sank down in his new straddling position. Daryl wasn’t the only one, a make out and kissing session started in the hallway, the needy pull from there to the bedroom and then resuming their little act had left Rick’s length stiffening and since the bed, well it had been painfully pooling blood.

Rick tried his luck with just pressing their clothed cocks together, pleasantly to the roll of fabric but straining and confined by the clothes, it was only teasing the sensitive organ and yet, it didn’t stop him from rolling once more when Daryl had sucked in a sharp breath from the first one. Boxers versus jeans had a clear winner. He smiled to himself, face hidden against the collarbone as Daryl was wrapping his brain away in lust and Rick was daring enough slowly move his kissing from the neck and down. He took his time, didn’t leave any marks like had the last time and just savored the feeling of the skin prickling beneath his lips as it grew more sensitive from the attention. He tasted lightly of salt, hadn’t built up much of a sweat after he had most likely showered before dinner, else he’d be a lot more filthy from a day in the garage, even if they did have good AC there.  Rick could smell the soap, standard issue he guessed he had to really concentrate to be able to find that lingering hidden ingrained scent of woods and earth which never seemed to completely leave the man.

He had to pause himself when the muscles stiffened up again as Rick’s lips reached his chest. He gave it a moment before he slid his tongue across the skin, purely enjoying it even if it was some kind of semi-torture for the other man. But hey if he allowed it Rick would take what he could get. At least he thought so until he noticed Daryl was way past unbuckling Rick’s belt and opening his pants up, he hadn’t even noticed Daryl going for it, being too busy appreciating the chest and getting neither a yes or a no while doing so, maybe closing in on a nipple despite the risk of getting punched for it.

Rick only managed to straightened up for a short moment before he caved forth again, warm calloused fingers wrapping tightly around his dick, thumb swiping up onto the head, sending spikes of pleasure through his body. Rick noticed Daryl had a certain way to jerking off, it wasn’t the regular up and down over the shaft, no he had this twist to his wrist that slightly teased the member to bend just a little during the movement and his fingers seemed to move as he progressed. Almost close to the way he always fiddled with mugs, pens, screws or anything at hand really, it kept his dick interested at least, building and pooling at every stroke.

“Shit.” Rick exhaled, he refused to moan but he damn near wanted to at the filthy sounds and Daryl’s hand moving over the skin with Rick’s own precum he seemed efficient at spreading around. Rick let go of any obsession of the chest he’d spent so long caressing with lips and tongue, grabbed the small of Daryl’s back to pull his nether region toward the sensation, attempting for more desperate friction and stopping the motion moving across his dick.

“Back pocket.” Daryl said and Rick felt confused. Daryl rolled his eyes and turned his upper body seeing how his lower one was confined by both the weight of Rick and the hand gripping it. He dug around on the floor, had to scoot once to reach a little further and pulled his pants up on the bed, taking out a foil pack with an unknown brand from the back pocket, Rick could hear his brain clicking when Daryl put the pack straight into his hand and he wasn’t even embarrassed by the looks of it.

“You turnin’ shy ‘n me Curly, ‘fter all that lickin’n kissin’ m’chest? Ain’t we’re past dillydallying ‘round wonderin’ who does what ‘n what goes where.” Daryl questioned and Rick straightened up again. He just glared at Daryl for ruining a good moment and shoved his hand mid spot on his chest, pack and all beneath the skins, spreading max range on his fingers and effectively shutting down the attitude he was getting. Daryl looked pleased with himself after recovering from the sudden hand which had a breath get stuck in his throat, but after that he just held his eyes in Rick to see what he would come back with.

“Such a romantic.” Rick shook his head, this wasn’t one of the games he was going to give in to, from his best guess Daryl was just trying to distract him from the chest action, probably hadn’t thought Rick would have given it the attention he had. So Rick would do exactly that, he dragged the foiled package off with his hands and kept it locked between two fingers as he worked Daryl’s boxers off. Then he got right back to it, although he may have gone straight for a nipple this time, punch or no punch, swiping his tongue over it despite Daryl stiffening beneath him. He could feel how the flatness of it started nubbing through his tongue while he worked it over, teasingly until it pointed perky and pink with Daryl’s chest rushing through uncontrolled breaths of complaints, but refusing to voice them. Served him right, digging his own grave and all and Rick never got punched.

The package was swiftly opened much to Rick’s surprise. It must have been a simple design to it because Rick doubted his long span of time since he last had to use condoms, which were similar to this package, had kept his skill in top condition. He had never really had to use lube before though, only that one time with Lori but it had been as simple as putting socks on. He squeezed a generous amount onto two fingers, dividing it evenly on the digits while making sure he had some saved in the pack he ditched it beside them.

Rick may admit later on that he had been a tad bit revengeful after the whole  _dillydallying ‘round wonderin’ who does what ‘n what goes where_ comment, because he let his teeth catch over the nub, dragging a curse from Daryl’s lips and throwing the man off course as he snuck his hand between Daryl’s legs. His other arm had curled onto the shoulder below him during his abuse and Rick gently bit down on the nub as his finger started breaching the tight muscle. Daryl’s entire body jolted at the sudden intrusion and Rick efficiently pinned him down by the shoulder with his lower arm throughout every slow and well paced knuckle.

But after his little moment of revenge he leaned in to those openly parted lips and kissed Daryl sweetly while holding his latched finger still, feeling the walls pushing onto it tight and heatedly. The lube made a clear difference from the spit, the slide had been easier and it was growing confidence in Rick, whispering the luring promises of how it would make his cock slide inside that tight heat. Cautiously he pulled out almost all the way before pushing the finger back in, the movement followed by the raspy breath straight into Rick’s lips. His other arm never left the shoulder it was pinning, even as he distanced himself so he could see Daryl’s face with eyes almost hooded shut with the slightest creak of iris and blown pupils glancing through the lids. Rick’s chest squeezed for reasons he thought was mere arousal while he held the gaze. There were no trace of bitterness from his little tantrum act, instantly forgiven and he sheepishly gave the man an apologetic smile before he was pulled down by the neck.

Kissing Daryl was something amazing, but being kissed by Daryl was something he’d never forget. Like the hallway, like right there, Rick heard his brain call out _again, again, again_. The want would lay bare on those lips as they connected, raw and open for only Rick to see, taste and experience, complete devotion and may Rick even think it presented a touch of someone who had let his guard down and allowed himself to care once more. Something that could be traced in the gentleness of the things Daryl did but pretended that it didn’t exist.

Rick let himself melt into the kissing while he stretched the rim, Daryl’s fingers twisting themselves into his curls much like he had imagined before, in difference to the rough pulling meant to aggravate the harshness last time had needed this was intimate and grounding. Now the simple sting of every root was pleasantly buzzing around his scalp, offering all the leverage and stability the hand was looking for and tightening like it was all too much but simultaneously the perfect concoction of bliss.

The beauty of such a simple word of _shit_ sighed out with some struggle made itself known as Rick nudged a second finger to join the first one when he’d pulled out to just the tip. Even with the luxury of lube, the thorough preparation they hadn’t bothered with before took time Rick didn’t even feel fleeting and any deep discussing thoughts had since long scattered and hidden away, too deep in lusting intoxication from breaths and scorching skins, wetness from precise kisses turning sloppy with the inhales and exhales. Rick didn’t have a single thought for over a minute, abandoning those wildflower red stained lips to sink himself down with his upper body, his own kissing and making brief stops at the cheek, the jaw, just below it and then the neck, tucking his head in close. Working through the automatic motions, looking, searching, pushing and stretching, finding what he needed as he nibbled the last spot he’d kissed.

“Fuuck.” Daryl struggled with hips bucking as the sensation of the target seemed to strike through his body. Rick felt the smile building on his lips, lingering along in its purest form while he pulled back and left the spot alone for just a bit before he pushed back in, although lighter out of the kindness of his heart this time, letting his fingers brush past with every other thrust. Daryl’s body was still fighting the sensation, but he wasn’t fighting Rick, surrendering the utter and complete control to him and loosening up all the more as the initial fear of his spasms started transforming into something good. Rick’s own throbbing length lay perked up in neglect, the kind of self gratifying self torture that would reward him plenty later.

Rick had played with the idea of going down on him, but he didn’t think he would be good at it which would ruin the flow. Wondered though, how it would feel to have the dick between his lips and what it would taste like. He could imagine the texture from shaft to shiny mushroom topping from how it felt in the hand, but only that it would be multiplied by the sensitive flesh of his tongue so he couldn’t take his imagination for granted. Rick was sure he’d end up gagging a bunch of times on his first try, drooling with saliva he couldn’t control due to bad technique and finding the right pace of sliding lips, didn’t stop his dick from twitching, especially if it involved Daryl gasping and using his neck and hair to hold and guide his head. He could always do some secret practice, something more than playful sucking on fingers, because they did fall a bit short on size.  In the end he wasn’t sure he was ready to have his mouth as filthily involved like his fingers. But at least he wasn’t against the idea for a later time and he could work on it.

The third fingered only served to stretch along with the first two for a short time after a swift and additional squeeze on the discarded but conveniently placed pack to slick the hole up for three digits. Daryl’s other arm had flung itself up along with his first one, holding on to Rick as he lulled the movements and going from two to three had the last resistance giving way, which bolstered Rick’s growing confidence and starving arousal. Though he felt safe to assume they could move on, he teasingly continued with a few pushes to the nub he’d left alone while he had been busy imaging Daryl’s cock between his lips and was rewarded by the first moaning noises being mixed into the heaving breaths beneath him. All purely for his own satisfaction which had been all good intention but the sounds were going straight down to his dick and he had to force himself through a couple of more pushes and pulls of digits before he dragged them slicked and warm from Daryl’s body.

Like he was finally able to catch a breath, Daryl’s chest rose up high and then sunk low enough for it to be impressive, the exhale noisefully traveling straight past Rick’s ear, making his skin shiver and the tiny strands next to his neck rise up. Rick squeezed the remaining lube from the pack, it had been surprisingly lasting despite the small size of the pack and let his hand slither it over his ignored and fragile throbbing member. He nudged the head of his cock against the hole, pausing for the short and excruciating time to lift his head up and ask. Because he had to ask.

“You good?” Rick watched how the blow pupils needed some time to frame Rick back into focus, had probably been as close to a goner that Rick had ever seen Daryl, not counting the bad kind of gone. The click of the tongue and the somewhat glare was complimented by Daryl raising his head and pecking Rick on the lips, one leg stretching out to give Rick the space if he so wanted it. It was the only affirmation Rick needed at that point and he moved his elbow from Daryl’s shoulder to support his body with it while he slowly started pushing inside.

He thought he had remembered exactly how it had felt last time but it was nothing like the lingering sensations of stored away flashes and urges. Rick felt warm all throughout his body as the sweet sensation pushed around his dick, eyes on the breathless face beneath watching him with through slits, accepting the intrusion and almost looking like he may just be close to overwhelmed. Rick could relate, he wasn’t too far from that either, not when the whispered promises turned out to be oh god so true.

Rick had always loved the under laying softness despite whatever play was happening on the top of it. With the circumstances being different, like no frenzy driving need which he, on occasion, didn’t mind as long as it had the tender bottom that kept it all real, some pleasurable desire riding shotgun could be just as amazing as the gentle and deep rooted sense of connection as you entwined your bodies. That was the kind of sensation that coursed through his veins, the difference from last time making it all so much better than the needless desire that only satisfied one of the two hungers.

Though they had been kissing enough to swell their lips and probably had dried saliva all around their mouths, there wasn’t much chance to continue that hungry craving as Rick started moving. He had moved his free hand to lift himself higher than just propping his elbow, one hand on either side of Daryl who had released his remaining grip on the neck and only kept the one at Rick’s hip. Rick could probably feed on the blissful twitches on Daryl’s face, expressing what every thrust was doing to him for the rest of his life and the man was absolutely gorgeous like that.

He had started out with light and shallow thrusts but was deepening and rolling his hips the more Daryl adjusted to his length. Building their momentum together, his dick stroking the walls on the inside with Daryl’s hips responding by pushing back onto him with unshed moans and groans waiting silently on those lips that weren’t being kissed. But god Daryl was tight around his cock. The ease to the slide through the swallowing muscle was twisting his every nerve and turning the sight below him into a contrast of colors, like he’d been embedded in a marshmallow land of fluff and goodness.

The build gathering deep inside him was teasingly tempting, pushing that to the side he slid halfway out before searchingly going back in. He’d found it with his fingers this time, with his dick last time so he had the rough idea on how to roll his hips when he combined his knowledge, then it was just a matter of reach. The deeper and hilt like thrusts he did the more dangerous it was for himself to keep his focus and he refused to give in to Daryl’s pleading no matter how tight the grip got on his hip. He was going to take his time, pass along waves of pleasure with every move, especially when Daryl body jerked with a moan on the lips that was finally released and Rick, he smiled through the tight pressure of Daryl’s hole squeezing down on his cock.

When Rick had found what he’d needed, without having to raise Daryl’s hips up because if Rick was honest, the man beneath was doing a pretty good job as keeping them up all on his own, he increased the focused attention. Daryl probably didn’t even realize it, the way he aligned himself to Rick no matter the jerks or intense jolts of euphoric thrill. Completely allowing Rick the leverage his need to echo the sounds of skin slapping together, sweat building on the heating bodies all throughout his continued his slow paced assault, nailing just right with every roll of his hips in thrusts of strength instead of speed.

Daryl’s eyes had closed together, like he was finally concentrating on feeling it, getting to know the intimacy they’d built and had hopefully started seeing that there could be more to it if you let it, the difference from just taking it to receiving, clear as day. Daryl laying bared open as a gift for Rick, pushing his limits despite the fear of doing so, yet he had offered Rick what he could, to meet him halfway. At least that’s what it felt like.

Rick didn’t think Daryl would ever be a loud one when it came down to it, which was why his few quiet version of moans from feeling good was all the better and definitely something Rick loved to hear. Rick couldn’t have been closer to his truth with what he had said before, this new thing between them, because now Rick dared thinking it was a _new thing_ and not _something_ , Rick liked it.

“Shit.” Daryl pleaded with digging fingers into skin, hitching stuck on the breath he had to take after the word, thrust of cock hitting and sliding out scrambling his coordination.

“Rickmm.” He tried to continue but with Rick thrusting back in again he had to bite his teeth together and stop the noise from leaving completely, trying to pry his heavy lids open wider to both stare daggers at Rick while at the same time looking so sex dazed Rick could feel tipsy just from watching him. Rick started pulling out again.

“Torturin’” And Daryl gasped as he once again was interrupted from forming a complete sentence by the magic work of Rick’s dick. He couldn’t deny it, Rick enjoyed breaking Daryl’s sentence apart and drowning him in pleasure. He tried not to smirk as he lay his weight over to just his right arm, still able to tower over the body beneath him. Rick drug his hand over the fabric of the shoulder, dipping down over the edge onto the skin of the collarbone and then trailed it with light pressure down towards the leaking and neglected member tipped upwards onto Daryl’s abdomen. He placed a playful index finger on the slit at the top and nudged the rock hard length in tiny gentle circles with just the guidance of his fingertip as he watched it go around.

“I know.” He said all self satisfaction with his additional little tease but he knew he was working himself up just as bad, if not worse. Well maybe not, considering the next time his cock disappeared into Daryl he felt his finger slicking up in wet heat and his dick was almost being strangled at the tensing muscle around it. It had all taken him by surprise and he had stopped at the pressure around his shaft, Daryl had come out of nowhere and Rick’s hand was all covered with it. He had to look at it for a while, then to Daryl who had thrown his head back, how the fuck did he miss that, he’d just looked away for a second or two with his teasing. He could see the aftershock of moans struggling in the throat that was twitching, head back onto the bed, panting, eyes’ toward the ceiling but probably not looking at anything.

“Lemme.. jus’.” Daryl settled for, careful while saying it, probably trying to maintain his attempt to keep his voice as locked down as possible and Rick couldn’t believe that he, not even all on board on a blow job, lifted his come stained hand to his mouth and slid his tongue over two digits tasting the bitterness and salty liquid on them. Now this time Daryl didn’t have any problems opening his eyes, still recovering and still squeezing tightly at the cock buried deep inside still. His face turned into guilt and fear like he couldn’t believe that Rick was licking at the nasty filth he had produced, like he thought Rick was going to get soiled by doing it and Rick’s chest squeezed, he’d done it without thinking, which was a scary point but one he wouldn’t focus on at the moment. Daryl looked freaked, but then again Rick hadn’t expected to be caught.

He swatted Daryl on the side of his ass and nudged his hips to remind him that it was still very much buried inside and his little stunt wasn’t anything to be worried about. Then he raised his back up and offered the come soiled hand to Daryl, not for him to taste so they could be even but to take it with his own hand and when he did, Rick pulled him up and into his lap, sheathed all the way through the motion with the pleasant spike rocking through him as Daryl straddled him, pressure built down on Rick’s cock from above. He wiped away the rest of the come on the sheet before he settled it around Daryl’s upper body so he could still reach around the neck, offering steadying support but also to keep his face in place to capture Daryl’s lips, without minding he had just swiped come up with his tongue just before. If Daryl fucking thought he was filthy, then Rick would become filthy too and Daryl couldn’t stop him.

Daryl was tense at the contact, still holding on to his thought of Rick being crazy most likely, that he shouldn’t have done that because he’s something better and people like him shouldn’t have to with people like Daryl. Rick’s kissing was gentle but firm, trying to use them, come soiled or not, to bargain with Daryl and ask him to understand that Rick couldn’t care shit about it. Daryl finally caved, well close enough at least and became more responsive with his lips, finally raising his hips up to bring Rick’s cock almost all the way out before sinking down again. Rick hissed in the pleasure reborn after the tense moment where his begging member had become irrelevant. Daryl’s thigh muscle slowly started pushing his weight carefully up and down, oversensitive nerves hitching in his spine but he was unyielding, working every slide over Rick’s dick, breaking the kissing apart and crashing his forehead onto Rick’s shoulder, trying to move with focus.

Rick felt that, despite the close to near death experience causing the pause, he wouldn’t be lasting too long. The pooling rush had built back as fast as it had disappeared, his dick very keen to remember what they had been doing and soon he was thrusting up and meeting every sink of the hips, clinging arms around Daryl’s body to hold him close and down, tight onto his cock, breathing in his sweaty scent as it built and built, reached and strived and the only thing he made sure to do at that point was lowering his hands to Daryl’s hips for the final stretch.

Rick lifted him off in a quick jerk as his eyes shot a curtain flash of white, hoping he’d managed to pull out in time and spare Daryl of another trip to the bathroom with come pushing out, no matter how much his eyes had gotten stuck on that silky trail along the thighs at the sight that first time and engraved it into his memory. He’s pretty sure he used a curse word too, but it was hard to say while he held on painfully tight, regaining a proper amount of vision, heart hammering wildly in his chest, his head buzzing pleasantly and his skin twitching all around.

He couldn’t move at first with his body in complete lockdown but Daryl didn’t seem to mind, still with his head resting on the shoulder, causing his back to cave, his breathing having calmed down to a normal ease when Rick came to his senses. He was still somewhat awkwardly standing after Rick had heaved him up and off his dick, Rick started loosening his limbs one by one as they allowed it, freeing Daryl from his greedy embrace. The man blinked like he’d been in the quickest snoozing powernap ever known to man before managing to move off the lap and flopped down on the bed, half twisted in the wrong direction but he looked damn comfortable, limp dick on full on show with no single care in the world about it.

 _It’s a man alright_ Rick amused himself, women usually frowned at such behavior, often turning prude after being done, like they hadn’t also been a complete part of making a mess of the sheets’. Lori hadn’t been at first, then through half of their time together she’d toss a quilt over him to cover up. Sometimes she’d laugh though, warm to the heart depending on how silly he looked. It was probably why Rick remained sitting up, watching the sprawled form who would notice the eyes on him within a few seconds and probably throw a semi-glare at him. Rick didn’t laugh, but he felt the surge of it playing in his stomach.

Daryl did look, turned his head and eyes from the ceiling and tried to glare and question what the fuck he was so jolly about, nothing but naked spent dicks and ass around. But he also just looked at Rick, like he was absorbing the sight and mixing it with the post-sex feel and so, in the end he never said anything like jolly or naked ass, just a twitch to his lips, the tiniest little swollen smile but the biggest Rick had ever seen. It made his heart flip and he thought it wouldn’t ever be able to come down to the beating level of normal humans.

“Want to shower?” Rick asked, trailing a finger along the closest leg, around the bump on the ankle of the foot. Daryl jerked it to the side before he held it still, well if he wasn’t used to chest touching there wasn’t a way in hell he’d be used to feet either. But as long as Rick could touch something, which was silly of him but he just needed to feel the skin at all time right then and there, keep on touching his fill.

“Ye go, gonna ye kno’ breathe fer a bit.” He said and Rick amused an offer to carry him over to the bathroom but was pretty sure Daryl wouldn’t be so keen to that idea. Rick hummed but didn’t make a move to go get that shower he’d asked about, just kept touching over the lower leg and thought that Daryl would get swallowed by the earth if he let him out of his sight, that wasn’t possible though and he was being unreasonable about it. The chilling stick around his spent dick after a while though, was enough of a motivator to have him swing his legs over the edge of the bed but he didn’t leave for the bathroom before stealing himself a deep, no tongue-kiss.

Though Rick knew there was no way it would happen, that Daryl wouldn’t get mysteriously eaten up, he still just made a quick rinse of the mess, staring daggers at the water mixer when it took its damn good time going from cold to warm water. He’d just started drying himself off with a towel when Daryl shuffled his feet into the bathroom, proving his still intact self with less of a limp than the first time, but still it looked like it wasn’t something, lube or not, you got used to right off the bat. Rick half turned toward him which had Daryl pause and lean in for a kiss before he reached for the shower head, the simplicity of it making Rick’s stomach all giddy and he hung the towel on the wall.

He could pretty much figure out the following course of action, which was why he made a quick stop at the bedroom first for a fresh pair of boxers from Daryl’s stash then the kitchen and fished out two bottles of cooled water and handed Daryl two of the three items when he came out of the bathroom.

“Here, you enjoy your smoke.” He said, twisting the cap off his own bottle and gulping down the much needed freshness. Ducking his head a bit shyly, Daryl lightly touched a ‘thanks’ to Rick’s elbow.

“Need some pants too.” He said and Rick felt his head tip a bit, shirt on and boxers getting stepped into with the tender curve of those muscles in the process.

“Ye kno’ man, friendly neighbors all ‘round, ye’d be in trouble.” He explained when Rick didn’t seem to get hit point, perhaps a little distracted up to the point when Daryl was back standing straight. So he wanted to avoid going outside late evening in just boxers and a shirt, because he was buttoning it closed much to Rick’s regret and that meant what, he was thinking they neighbors may get ideas that weren’t too far from the truth.

“Wait, you’ve never gone out smoking in just..” He gestured for the barelegged choice of garment, well 50% of it.

“’s bad ‘nough I’s stayin’ over all t’time.” He shrugged and though it was secluded and very stuck in their own set of wrong and rights Georgia, that was maybe a little too far on the paranoid scale. But he’d done it to spare Rick questions. Most neighbors, those who knew who Daryl was thought it was a case of reformation, which in more ways than one, pissed him off. Those who, which was few, didn’t know him had strayed around the idea of Daryl being a cousin visiting over the summer or maybe friends since school.  But it wasn’t that many that actually asked and when they did he simply stated Daryl was a friend, which seemed to suffice and leave them with an _oh_ like they had expected some crazy story which didn’t exist.

“It’s the last thing they’re going to think unless they for one, come in here and smell it, or two, both of us with the hair and the puffy eaten faces you know.” He started and waved his hands a little embarrassed toward every key point from the bedroom to the hair to the face. Daryl was frowning in a mild manner, so it wasn’t that bad, he was just thinking things through, with better caution than Rick it seemed. In the end he pushed past Rick and made a grab for his jeans and something for Rick which Daryl shoved onto his chest and he looked at the fresh pair, just a little bit happy he had been invited out when he’d planned to let Daryl have his smoke with some peace and quiet.

“Fine.” He said with a pout and Daryl rolled his eyes, which had Rick chuckle, he hadn’t been too serious about it anyway. The t-shirt was a dark red one he usually never wore. Lori had picked it up for him at some point but it always ended up lost in the drawers and the beige, green, blue and white ones always seemed to be the first pick. He entertained the idea that Daryl preferred that color on him, he did have a few button downs with red tones in them but it hadn’t been as much as this one colored piece, regardless of it being a conscious pick or just an accidental grab he pulled it on before he worked the sweats over his legs and hip.

Daryl did swipe his eyes over the stark contrast of dark red once and then twice after he’d started walking outside with Rick in tow, met by the now cool evening outside because the worst of the summer had already passed. There was a nice breeze to the air in addition to the temperature as they settled down at the small circular table with its two chairs and Daryl had his smoke out and lit before Rick even had a second to blink, he’d scooted down in the chair, splayed his legs out and half closed his eyes as he pulled a drag from the burning stick.

Rick kept silent, becoming a simple passive accompanying presence knowing it was Daryl’s sacred time, but he must have had the entertained thought like a big neon sign up on his face before, because Daryl exhaled a whirl of smoke and tapped the smoke over the ashtray to dust the burnt tobacco built at the tip down into it.

“Suits ye, t’color.” He said Rick couldn’t bring himself to catch Daryl’s eyes when he felt them on him again, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed for being complimented and a little more so over Daryl being the one doing it. Because it was Daryl doing it, Rick was so full of shit always going on and on inside his head that Daryl was silly to shy away from Rick’s and there he was sitting doing the same. Shit, could be the first time he actually heard something so nice to his ears, excluding the more, intoxicating noises he knew of.

“I’ll try to remember that.” He managed and used the bottle as a distraction, hoping he wouldn’t fumble with the swallow and put the water in the wrong throat, throwing himself into a coughing fit. Luckily for him his brain didn’t screw him over but it did connect something else with the burning glow of the smoke and he tried to keep his face straight. He had just brushed it off as maybe welding sparks from the garage at the time but he just realized he’d been stupid, unfortunately for him the buttons were already closed and it was a little too late to make a close inspection of the faded dots he’d seen. Question was what he was going to make of it.

“You’re not.. into anything heavier or anything?” He asked and slapped himself mentally for being so unspecific when his job in Atlanta had been to arrest and question criminals, which did require a touch of well pickings when it came to questioning and for some fucking reason he didn’t have a shred of his experience left in him right then and there.

“T’ fuck? Ain’t done anythin’cept smokes since high school.” He bit with a clear hint of offense and Rick just wished he’d had the time to explain or rephrase his question, but Daryl had been quick.

“No shit, I meant you know, not drugs come on man.” He tried but in the end he just sighed, thinking it was better to give up, it was already a lost cause and he didn’t want to ruin Daryl’s smoke and the good vibe they had going between them. Daryl uncomfortably adjusted himself in the chair, turning himself a little away from Rick, perfect, he’d already crashed it.

“Shit happen’.” Daryl said after some quiet, enough of it to have Rick stewing in social awkwardness and he glanced over, not that the answer did much for him, shit happens, that could mean anything.

“What, ye into it?” Daryl then asked and whipped his eyes over to Rick like he just knew Rick had tripped himself over for asking in the first place, like he thought Rick was asking because he was into it and Rick felt stupid.

“No of course not, just, never mind alright? Wait you did drugs before?” Rick was squashed somewhere between guilt and shame from asking the wrong question and surprise at this new piece of information, though Daryl twitched that similar attention toward Rick and he had a pretty good idea why, that one word was effective alright. Probably served him some truth too.

“Mm, not much, Merle used t’ bring ‘t ‘round, was a teenager ye kno’.” He explained and shifted back again but Rick wasn’t sure if Daryl was comfortable again or not. The explanation made sense though, from a couple of the few arrests he’d been around there had been talk wondering if it was just booze or anything heavier going in the guy’s system. Though Daryl said Merle had been clean from that shit, accordingly to him and Rick didn’t really have any reason to doubt him and most of the times the only shit Merle had in his system had been assholery and alcohol. So he nodded thoughtfully to accept the answer for what it was.

“Used to at least.” He emphasized while his brain was knotting together something closer to a possible harsh truth he’d preferred to ignore, had been lacking in pieces.

“Mm, he’s.. had slips.” Daryl said with some strained reluctance and Rick put his thoughts away for a bit. He didn’t look at Daryl, felt like it wasn’t something he’d completely meant to actually say out loud, hadn’t been an option until now when Merle was already behind bars. So Rick let Daryl off the hook and kept his eyes forward, talking about drugs hadn’t been his intention, he’d just wondered about the spotted marks in a not so subtle way.

“Got ‘n too deep ‘n all, ain’t been easy fer’im.” Daryl sunk down in the chair, possibly scooting his delicate ass far enough to relieve it from some of the pressure from sitting. Rick caught it in his periphery and he was pretty sure that if he moved even the tiniest bit Daryl would stop his sharing.

“’t old man gave ‘s jobs, even Merle.” Daryl shook his head and exhaled some kind of light chuckle like he still couldn’t believe it even after the years of working for Dale.

“Keepin’ busy helped, always helped folk like us.” Daryl said and continued puffing on the smoke, looking more relaxed than ever despite the topic of discussion, eyes with a layer of fondness to them. It told Rick two things, one, he loved his brother, two, for Rick to know when to stay out of his business, a friendly reminder for all he knew and Daryl put his focus back on his smoke marked the end of his little reveal.

This had been one of those moments he thought it better if he didn’t comment anything additional on it, besides, what could he say about it? Nothing about it could be changed now and he got the feeling that it was a little bit uglier than the light details he’d been provided, wasn’t sure he even wanted to know. It was Merle after all but even if he magically found some courage to ask he knew he wouldn’t get any answers anyway. Not yet.

“Going one more?” Rick asked instead and stretched his arms up for the heat wave of muscle release to spread all throughout his back. He heard Daryl humming as Rick took a sip from the water, that was a yes then and Rick got up, patted him lightly on one of the splayed out thighs, had to keep his hand from caressing the neck and stop himself from leaning in an kiss those lips, curled around the cigarette, with Daryl’s caution about his neighbors in mind. Well at least the smoke helped him with backing off and he reached for the handle, hearing Daryl following Rick’s example by taking a gulp of the water.

“I’ll see you inside then.”

 

Rick pushed away the second wave of worry about the earth swallowing the man while walking back to the bed and looked at the half dried stain of come that had managed to escape his lap, oh well it wasn’t the world ending and was fixed by a spare little towel he’d gotten from some Christmas, probably one of the work gifts, but it managed the task and the spot was magically gone underneath it, happy embroidery of _Merry X-Mas_ upwards.  Looked pretty stupid if he had to say so himself but he really didn’t want to pull out a fresh sheet and replace the entire thing when he just wanted to crawl underneath the duvet.

Now Rick’s brain got some free reign to hitch stuck on _shit happens_ as he pulled the pants off and crawled under the duvet. Maybe he’d been in a phase, possibly a relationship Rick didn’t know about that had involved a less normal form of sex. Wasn’t like he had asked about previous girlfriends, but Daryl had brushed over the topic in way that made it hard to assume and Rick didn’t really get the feeling Daryl had been much into intimacy with people to begin with. It was either a _are you crazy_ or _I’ll be if you are,_ which didn’t make things easier _._ Instead of getting any clarification on it he’d learned about some drug history, maybe not what he’d wanted but he’d grab those few moments Daryl did chose to share something like his life depended on it

Still it bothered him, mainly because he was realizing some things that could be close to a nasty truth that he’d ignored despite knowing all the signs from his job and the cases he had worked. He’d mainly thought the Dixon’s stand-offish attitude of violence and alcohol had been born from the town’s rejection of their way of life, birthing trust issues so major half the county would live secluded if they shared a fraction of it. Either Daryl was or had been into some kind of BDSM, but he didn’t think so considering the reply he’d gotten, or he just liked the additional burn to it if he was letting out some steam after a rough night like how he had when he’d been drunk and more or less pushed Rick to be rougher with him. Then it could very likely go further or less than those options, welding sparks for one, like he’d initially thought at the dots, or some kind of old mistreatment slash crazy ex.

He knew what option stuck the most to him, Shane’s lingering words about _Will Dixon was an asshole_ and _died in a ditch, had it coming_ , the defensive distance wall of ‘keep your shit away’, reluctant to touch and shutting up until he lashed out in aggression when pushed. It would make sense with all the other signs to it, problem was the _shit happen_ ’ part leaving a dent to his worrying  theory, just brushed off like it was nothing more than any other common spotting caused from working in a garage and knowing Merle wasn’t at all like his brother and they had fended for themselves for a long time, it didn’t give him much to go on. The few spread out dotting of tissue had since long stretched with the skin and maybe he was crazy, he could be, but what if he wasn’t? He’d need a better look now that he was aware, something that, the more he thought about it, felt like he’d just neglected to see it before.

Rick heard the door squeal in protest, which was new and he made a mental note to get it fixed and then he followed Daryl’s steps through the living room to the bedroom.

“Ye ain’t cookin’ up som’ kinky BDSM gag plans ‘r ya?” He huffed and popped the button of his jeans. Rick lay flushed, felt the blood flowing all across his face because yes okay, he had really asked if Daryl was into it because of the dotting scars when really the most reasonable explanation had been from work. Skittish and distrustful redneck all through and through, asshole dad or not, Daryl was right then and there making fun of him for asking, fuck it, Rick was crazy, his gut and danger radar had been broken after moving from Atlanta and some of the screws holding his brain together probably still lay around his old home.

Rick shoved his face into the pillow as the mattress dipped down behind him, the furnace hot closeness of the other body scooting close, making him the little spoon. Rick melted a little, feeling the little twists of _what if_ transforming into something better at the surprise slotting of bodies and the arm that snaked its way under Rick’s arm and slid up his chest to lightly tug him back into Daryl’s chest.

 “I can’t believe I asked you that.” Rick twirled in his shame, felt Daryl’s hand rest above his heart, fingers spread like he was feeling the beat beneath it and it felt just perfect.

“Didn’t take ye for bein’ scared ‘f a lil’ roughness.” Daryl said and nestled his head closer to Rick’s, kissing him on the shoulder. _I’ll be if you are._  Well fuck, Daryl may not be one for lying but he sure had an easy way to make Rick’s life and thoughts confusing. He heard Daryl’s breathing soaking him in before he hugged closer to Rick’s body, like he was building himself up for something and was using Rick’s body as a shield. Rick felt himself being tense, not knowing if he should be worried or excited and even when he tried to twist around he couldn’t turn because of the pinned grip he was in.

“Ye’ve done right by me, ye have t’ kno’ that.” Okay his heart was definitely swelling, worry was out of the question. Now Rick thought he understood why Daryl had wanted to hide, it was a bit embarrassing to have the voice of gratitude, with under-laying previous kissing and reconciliation backing it all up, directed at oneself. He hadn’t had the problem with Lori, it had more been the role of the perfect husband to receive and give that kind of thing on a daily basis. It was probably written down in the husband and wife manual for dummies for all he knew, but here in uncharted territory it was doing silly things to him. Rick finally managed to turn, or rather Daryl allowed him to.

“You know, I am happy I moved back here and met you.” Daryl looked down to brush off Rick’s comment, almost like he had a hard time believing it to be true

“Hey, I am, we’re going to figure this out.” He said and tilted Daryl’s chin up with his finger and emphasize he wasn’t backing out from this, no way in hell he was and he’d pull teeth and nails to convince Daryl of it.

“Mmh, later.” He said and Rick could agree with that. They could take their time, absorb themselves in the weekend bubble of just being, they had the time and besides, as Rick leaned in and placed a kiss on Daryl’s lips, he figured he’d rather spend it like that before they had to get back to reality. Call it being stupidly involved in their new found comfort of intimacy, but getting a time-out was something he knew Daryl could use, maybe he himself too. Besides, he got a later and Rick felt his stomach flop at the promise of later.

“C’mere.” Rick said and pulled him in. They could go back to sweet kissing or frenzied kissing but he knew his dick would do him nothing but discomfort if he chose the latter. With Rick being turned toward him he seemed to have lost some of his self confidence, reluctantly accepting that Rick lay his arm around him just the like Daryl had when Rick had been turned. It was intoxicating, a little more than just arousing but the hug was meant for stability not for dick delicious blood flow which wouldn’t be able make his prick stand attention anyway, fresh out of orgasm and all. Safe to say Daryl wasn’t a hugger, though they fit good together he was still stiff and awkward like he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do in the hug when he was the one receiving it, if he even was supposed to do something. Rick could almost smell the burn of cog-wheels turning, grinding and latching stuck. All that because Rick was facing him and didn’t have his back turned, but his breathing was steadying at least, Rick could catch every one of them and he decided they could work on the hugging.

The main issue was probably because act wasn’t something direct or aggressive, which was the language that Daryl spoke and it wasn’t something with a good amount of personal space which was space so natural to Daryl that a simple hug would be foreign to him. It also told Rick he probably hadn’t been hugged by a lot of people, he’d seen Merle hug him at the station, he’d been relaxed then but Merle was also the only person Daryl had been comfortable to have that close. Now Rick liked to think they had a shot too, Rick and his offered family, Carol and Sophia too, if Daryl wanted that.

Soon Daryl started relaxing and Rick felt a rush of victory when the man even inched closer and buried his head just beneath Rick’s, like he’d just found out that this was okay too, that it wasn’t going to hurt him. Daryl was breathing soft breaths into his skin and swung and arm around Rick’s waist like he was the one thinking Rick would get swallowed by the earth and not the other way around. He was quickly adjusting to the new experience and it made Rick’s entire body feel warm, not because of Daryl’s scorching heat radiating off his skin, rather because Rick felt precious and genuinely cared for after the initial awkwardness of the snuggling. Hell it was hard not to feel it when Daryl was holding on to him like there wasn’t enough time to truly get his fill now that he knew he could and if he was completely honest, he knew he felt the same. Rick couldn’t stop smiling.

It soon drifted them closer to sleep, lulling them gently with Daryl mumbling a _‘s nice_ and sometime after Rick was pretty sure he managed a goodnight to the light snores that had started joining his own breaths. Daryl’s body lay naturally relaxed into Rick’s, just like he was supposed to and Rick thought about how much it had taken to get to that point, he couldn’t even believe it had been possible and not to mention the fact that he was completely fine with where they had ended up. For a while Rick just lay with eyes closed, awake and just listening to how they synced in sound, Daryl’s fingers occasionally twitching at his waist like he was fiddling with something even in his sleep. Rick pressed a light kiss to the top of his head before he also drifted off, pleasantly happy and content.


	16. So good it's bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick has a problem, he's not very fast on the connection between his heart and his brain, not to mention his brain is somewhat of an asshole. But then again, Daryl may be too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, "Rome - We who fell in love with the Sea" helped me through this chapter, really it's a good song and apologies if i've missed some mistakes, it's now.. wow, okay it's 4 AM in the morning and I had not planned to stay up that long, ah well shit happens.

The problem with falling and being in love for Rick Grimes was that he was too slow about it.  It was why the amazing Saturday haze had kept them wrapped into the safety of warmth, stolen touches and light pecking kisses turning deep from time to time. Rick had fallen into the haze, blind and oblivious to what was right there, rooted beautifully into the core of his heart by now. He was neck deep in shit, lovely colorful, warm and absolutely fantastic shit.

It had been the same with Lori, in high school he’d met her, they’d become friends along with Shane and the rest of the popular bunch even if Rick wasn’t part of any fancy sports team or a straight A student. They had started dating before he even knew it, going to dinners, movies and suddenly he was visiting her parents and he was taking her to prom. He’d of course realized he had liked her at some point and they had kept dating, until one morning he’d just woken up and known, he was going to marry her. He fucking loved her and had for weeks, months.

Rick hadn’t slept as good as he had in ages, waking up still warm from sleeping tightly tucked into Daryl and feeling the sensations spreading through his body. Riddled with lingering sleep, it took him some time but he was definitely feeling good, he hadn’t expected any less if he was honest. He’d dreamt of so many possible scenarios for the morning throughout the night, he could remember them, the one with him waking up before Daryl, preparing the breakfast with giddy stomach cramps making strangled noises in the throat he’d have to smother down, the one with Daryl waking up first, bringing a mug of coffee to the bed for Rick or the one with the two of them snoozing next to each other for the first time with no rush to get out of it.

What he hadn’t expected was that he wasn’t just feeling good, his brain had already told him that much but it had still been sleep riddled and as it was waking up he started feeling there was more to it than just waking up after a night in the arms of another.

His boxers were pulled down and his dick was wet, surrounded by something soft and pressure like which held onto his morning hard piece of flesh like a god damn champ. Rick creaked an eye open to find Daryl’s mop of hair below his stomach, lips wrapped tightly around his cock and gently moving over it while providing a tight suction of his lips. He could feel every daring trace the veins of the tongue from the inside of Daryl’s mouth and Rick’s creaked lid slid shut again at the rhythmic movement of the bobbing head, creating a quick chaotic mess pooling pleasurably. 

He wasn’t proud he didn’t last long, moaning with hands searching for that mop of hair to follow the movements as the lips slid on and off his dick, Rick was either real sensitive with his morning wood or Daryl was really good at what he was doing. All the while Daryl didn’t seem to think twice about having a dick in his mouth where as Rick had been silly and a coward with doubts about being able to do the same, feeling especially bad about it when Daryl had reached for the hands in his hair while he continued sucking Rick off like his life depended on it. The hands found Rick’s and urged the buried ones to help move him up and down, to take part in the morning surprise, nudging the building need and Rick got the message. He started putting pressure as Daryl swallowed down onto the cock, gently forcing him deeper when he could feel the jaw relaxing to take him further and it felt so good, Daryl’s tight lips wrapped around his cock. Rick thought for sure it was a sight he’d remember forever, fingers deep into the hair and lips tightly locked around his cock with a shiny tint of saliva.

The release built up before he even knew it, Daryl allowing him, telling him to push him deeper on the cock with his hands, Rick couldn’t resist meeting the push with a thrust of his hips. It only took two and he knew form Daryl gagging on the cock that it had probably been a bit rough but Daryl hadn’t even tried to pull off or gripped whatever limb or skin that was perfectly available like he was in pain. Not to mention Rick came while those lips were still around his member and Daryl took it, swallowing down the load and didn’t even seem to react to the taste that couldn’t be anything but bitter.

“Fuck.” He exhaled, twitching nerves throughout his body when the lips pulled off over the sensitive cock head and he had to focus on his breathing, the in and out to steady it while his brain wasn’t able to comprehend anything other than he had just gotten sucked off. Shit, he should reciprocate right? Rick struggled to get his eyes open, he could do it, it was just a dick, spongy, full of veins, stuffing the mouth, could he really do it? He frowned despite the marshmallow clouded brain of bliss, trying to sit himself up and reached down to Daryl’s crotch, at least he could jerk him off while building himself up to take a dick in his mouth.

“’s alright, ‘s fer ye.” He heard the slightly sore dick-throated tone tell him and he knew why as his hand reached its destination, Daryl wasn’t exactly hard, not completely soft but that was it. Rick slid his eyes over to Daryl who shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal and with a groan he slumped back down into the bed covering his face with his arm and listen to Daryl’s quiet chuckle.

“Looked like ‘t was beggin’ fer it, pokin’ me in t’stomach.” He said and stretched himself down next to Rick again, letting one of his hands slide over the hair on Rick’s belly and thoughtfully avoided stroking him anywhere close to the groin knowing how sensitive that area would be. Rick snuck a peak at the dick swollen lips, light shine to them from residue spit and maybe even some come, he couldn’t be sure. Well fuck it, Rick couldn’t resist those lips even with his own dick and come leftovers on them, he swiftly twirled his upper body and closed his lips over Daryl’s. He did taste bitter, bitter like he’d expected them to, Lori had always said the taste was disgusting and she wasn’t exactly wrong but he’d rather jump off a building than not kiss the man next to him in that moment.

“Christ.” Rick said after savoring the lips for a long couple of seconds, humming at the nice feeling despite the awful taste. He’d give his doubts a once over, if Daryl could do that for him then he should be able to do the same.

“Shut up.” Daryl shied away and Rick’s chest fluttered at the adorable sight, was sure he saw the light flush spread across the willfully hard face letting through more and more softness as they evolved. Or Rick was just so utterly taken by the post orgasmic bliss.

“Shit I can’t believe you did that, I mean the veins look like worms and the head..” Rick felt his own flush spread at the words spilling from his mouth and he made himself shut up before he killed himself by pulling all the blood in his body to his face, messily popping the skull from pressure and rest in peace Rick Grimes, loving father.

“’s alright, I’s eaten worms ‘fore.” Daryl just stated like the two didn’t make much of a difference to him and Rick couldn’t help but laugh, because of course that was Daryl’s logic. Rick kissed a growing frown away before it could completely manifest, Daryl reacting to the laugh and not understanding why Rick was doing it most likely.

“You sure you don’t want me to?” Rick asked, trailing a fingertip closer to Daryl’s clothed groin and Daryl pulled him in for a slow and lazy kiss, like he’d actually listened to Rick’s silent scolding the night before, he didn’t seem to think it was disgusting and inappropriate for Rick considering Daryl had been sucking his cock and it pleased Rick, made him feel more like a regular human instead of something ethereal, a regular human together with Daryl.

“’s alright, maybe later.” The kiss had sealed it and they had gotten out of bed.

 

The problem with falling and being in love for Rick Grimes was that he was too slow about it, although he’d only been madly lost once before, this time it hadn’t played out much differently but instead of his heart gently breaking the confession to him his brain kept him in the dark, slipping teases and clues, making the smallest of things embarrassing and the simplest suggestions into words his brain would stumble over.

They had spent the following hour in the kitchen with their pattern of eggs and coffee, talked when they felt they wanted to and would just sit and enjoy each other’s silence for the rest of the time, Daryl more so than Rick. All throughout the breakfast they stole glances like some new blooming teenagers and Rick relished in the new born touching that was allowed, like his hand sliding past the small of Daryl’s back when he passed by or dipping his chin onto Daryl’s shoulder when the man was filling his mug. Daryl would lean into him, humming pleasantly like hadn’t before, Rick really liked hearing it and feeling him so receptive for something he’d so easily pulled away from before. Though they had probably spent too much time in the kitchen already, it had been all worth it when Daryl had caught Rick the last innocent pass-by touches, pulled him in and nuzzled his head into the side of Rick’s neck.

“Runnin’ out ‘f time, wanna go somewhere t’day? Kno’ a place.” He said quietly because with just the two of them there the apartment was so calm and silent it was a soothing haze the two of them could bask in. He wasn’t wrong, Sunday was closing in on them even if it was early.

“No way I wouldn’t.” He replied and felt his breath wash through his lips at the flourishing kiss placed on his neck. Shit it was all too surreal to really believe it, that he could have all this when he felt he hadn’t been doing enough to deserve it. Daryl still had his slips, not as bad as the kitchen incident but sometimes he strayed from Rick’s presence and he had all the right to, shit Rick couldn’t blame the man and he was trying to find all nails, zippers, melted iron, health friendly and approved glue or fucking duct tape, whatever he could muster to try and help Daryl to piece or wrap his world back together again.

He relished in their shared close proximities throughout the day, Daryl slipping less by keeping Rick at his side while being able to go about his own business, humming or singing along in some country song stuck on his mind. Rick wasn’t one to point out every single one of them, at least not straight into Daryl’s face and Rick didn’t blame him, knowing who occupied that mind of Daryl’s, the only one able to steal him every so often from the world and he had to get those moments if they were that small, harmless. So Rick merely kept an eye on him.

 

The problem with falling and being in love for Rick Grimes was that although he wasn’t quite there yet, his brain kept teasingly toying with him and withholding crucial information it seemed kind enough to pass him some clues and at least one step in the right direction.

He had played with the idea of a nice evening piece of meat depending on Daryl’s plan to take him somewhere, maybe with some grilled potatoes on the porch of Daryl’s cabin. Standing in the kitchen with the fridge door half open and swaying his body in sync with the thoughts of the woods that would surround them, bringing in its quiet comfort, colors of deep and light green, some measly yellow and brown but mainly green, except he didn’t know the place Daryl had mentioned so he could only wait and see. He almost imagined it like a date, that date he’d told himself two times before wouldn’t be suitable for the two of them, would have been the kind of crap Daryl could on occasion toss snarky comments at. Although Rick had started having a hard time letting go of the image, two men or not, it didn’t have to be bad? Maybe it could even be nice, almost amazing with the slight embarrassment, but it would be alright despite that, things always turned out alright when you liked someone.

Rick had slammed the door shut after that, venturing dangerously close to one teeny tiny detail he had yet to let forth, simultaneously with the door he also shut the thought off at _like someone_. Fiddling with the handle all bubbles and butterflies in his stomach when he swallowed it all down, he may like him quite a bit, fuck how couldn’t he have noticed it? One would think sleeping with the other despite being straight, feeling all happy about being able to touch or talk to the person, being driven insane with worry, would be obvious enough. It was damn text book material. He must have been in some serious mental health deranged level of distracting fucking neglect.

Lucky for Rick, his blush hadn’t popped his head off, he’d actually managed to keep it quite civil by the time Daryl had leant his body against the doorway to the kitchen, all frown and question to the slam of the fridge door. _A date._

 

The every now and then touching had kept to a steady pattern throughout the day, coating the hours in a semi-lust and just a plain comfort kind of happy bubble which Rick settled into without a second thought to it. He was enjoying every bit of it while waiting and anticipating the moment when they would go out, only getting a _later_ from Daryl when he’d asked the first time, _shit ye ain’t patient at all_ the second time with the additional snort before Daryl went back to his hammer to continue nailing all the remaining heads sticking out from the planks of the backyard the third time. He’d mentioned something about Judith, how she’d be up and running before Rick knew it and Rick could do nothing but just stand there and smile all silly curls to his corners because Daryl was too good to be true.

By the time they’d started to consider dinner, the fence had been reinforced from its _in a year fatal state,_ as Daryl had said. Rick hadn’t thought the fence was so bad, but apparently Daryl could predict the future and said after the summer and the coming winter it was bound to be on its last legs if left untouched. So he’d propped it up, steadied it and strengthened all the holding knots, even cut the lawn and removed some invading thorns and branches to which Rick could help, at least he knew how to do that.

The day, much to Rick’s surprise was pretty uneventful but it was the good kind of uneventful and later on Rick had found Daryl propped on the couch after pulling the sheets from the bed and sorting the colors from whites, figuring he could pop a machine or two during the day to keep ahead of schedule. Two kids and one of them being a mass producer of drool and vomit, he knew the only way to manage that was to constantly keep the maintenance high. They had decided to order Chinese because apparently Daryl had never tried it, which Rick at first waved off as a joke but he’d soon realized that no, it hadn’t been a joke and Daryl suggested they’d grab some, said he wanted to try something new for a change, _with you_ was an additional thought Rick’s brain added on its own free will.

“Hm, you’ve seen my t-shirt I had last night?” He asked with the laundry basked in both hands hanging idly from his hands. Daryl peaked up from the book he was reading, pretty fresh into it and from the looks of the old and worn cover it was the same book Rick had abandoned on the night stand some time ago. Did him much good promising himself he would finish it alright, Rick flipped his brain off mentally.

“What? ‘s prolly ‘round somewhere. ‘s any good?” He asked instead and flipped the book back and forth. Rick thought he must have missed the t-shirt then, slipped somewhere when they had been busy.. exploring, delicately put. Rick quickly pushed the thought away and propped the basked against his hip instead.

“Think so, never got to the end, want me to spoil it?” He smirked teasingly and Daryl snorted at him, adding some comment to go spoil his laundry instead. Rick had chuckled at that.

Rick dared himself to nudge his body forth, moving the basket further to the side so he could lean down and place a kiss on Daryl’s lips after a quick pause just before to confirm it was alright to do so, sure they had been touching, at least Rick more than Daryl but they hadn’t kissed as much since the morning. Daryl had let the book rest on his chest, not moving himself an inch and it was all Rick needed before he pressed their lips together for some self confirmation, keeping himself from melting into more and straightened up.

Rick never did find the t-shirt in the end but he did get a full machine of blacks and grays going and the batch of colors, which was mainly Judith’s and Carl’s items, sat waiting on tiled floor just below the machine. He’d have separated the laundry anyway, felt awkward at the idea of putting the filthy sheets and his children’s clothes together, awkward and embarrassing and he’d rather put that off for later, when they weren’t hibernating in their magic wrapped weekend.

Daryl had engulfed himself in the same book Rick had gotten bored of, a third into it which was impressive because Rick had only busied about for 45 minutes tops after the laundry by cleaning Carl’s room and Rick hadn’t even considered Daryl was the type who was into books but apparently, he was. Rick considered getting back into the book at some point again, maybe he’d just forgotten it was actually good and he could give it another go. Well he would have.

“’’s shit.” Daryl stated when Rick had flopped down on the sofa with the Friday mail in his hands and Daryl’s feet automatically propped themselves onto the side of Rick’s thigh.

“Huh, but you’ve read so much?” He stated in a somewhat question, flipping one letter over the other to check what was bills, sale notes, weekly updates and monthly balances on accounts. He strayed on a letter from Carl’s school, opening it instead of sorting it through the selected piles and started reading through next month’s parent teacher meeting that would take place at school. They should have just put it at the start of the term but it seemed like the school board had opted to spare their own busy time and have the meeting when the kids were on break.

“’s just readin’.” He absently said, getting back into the book and Rick had to glance over at him. Rick couldn’t for the life of him just keep reading if he found the book to be boring, which was exactly what Daryl seemed capable of doing.

“Even if it’s bad?” He asked curiously and watched Daryl half shrug with the restriction of the sofa armrest his back was resting against.

“Doesn’t matter does ‘t?” He said and slipped back into the book and Rick just thought well, good book or bad book, cock or worms, Daryl’s indifference seemed to stretch to a lot of areas, Rick had held back a chuckle at that.

“Let’s go grab food then.”

 

* * *

 

The problem with falling and being in love for Rick grimes was that he was indeed slow at it, but at least he’d come far enough to realize he liked the man, not only the sexual thrill the two of them combined could provide. After all the first time they had kind of just fallen into it, Daryl demanding Rick’s mercy and then, not so much mercy. It had become clear to Rick pretty fast that not only had he succumbed to Daryl’s whims, sometimes called shit whims depending, but he’d engaged in them himself, even forged some of his own and that had just been a messy start that first time compared to the night before.

They had gone together to pick the food up after a quick stop at the garage for some papers. Daryl had been in and out in a couple of minutes while Rick had waited in his truck, enjoying the old beat up taste to it and finding it oddly clean for such an old thing, no remains from transporting kills or quick-stop trash loitering the seats and floors.

When he had asked, Daryl had told him the only junk food he and Merle had gone for had been pizza’s to cure nasty hangovers  with all the grease and fat to it for the main part, then sometimes when they’d put in extra hours and just couldn’t bother to cook up some deer or even squirrel. He had confirmed when Rick had tried to wrap his brain around what he’d said that yes, he had meant squirrel, the cute little bastards climbing on trees jumping on branches, apparently those critters were food also but Rick remembered Daryl saying _had t’ eat_ so in the end it wasn’t that surprising.

Rick still had his amused and stupid smile on his face lingering as they sat in the bed of the truck with a box of fried noodles with beef each. It had been a more simple choice which Rick had suggested for them when Daryl had just glared at the full blown menu with too many options, rice or fries, aioli, sweet sour, fried meats of different kinds, rolls or non-rolls and all the decisions to make. Rick wouldn’t have been surprised if Daryl had bolted out of there, so close to changing his mind about something new and just grabbed pizza instead, so he had stepped forth before the mood turned too sour, which was funny because it was just a menu, and ordered them the noodles. He’d found it hilarious and Daryl had simply been adorable, pissed off at a menu.

“Shit ain’t ever gonna live ‘t down.” He flicked a piece of beef onto Rick who finally laughed, lungs excitedly puking out the air after holding back the laugh from the restaurant and all the way onto the worn down road toward Daryl’s place.

“’s good tho’.” He said and lifted the box up to emphasize, almost empty with the bites and tosses of food Daryl had shoved while Rick was still only a fourth of his portion in. Really the man could eat and if he kept that pace up he would most likely add those pounds he’d lost right back on.

“So, where are we going later?” He asked because well, his first guess would be Daryl’s place or something close to it because they were halfway there already, just parked at an old abandoned rest stop with cracked asphalt and overgrown foliage hanging in, grass perking up everywhere. Despite the fallen state of the place, it was perfect.

“Yer gonna be glad ye agreed‘n t’boots.” He just said, revealing nothing as Rick took a bite and viewed the boots he’d changed into after Daryl had stopped him in the hallway, attempting to put a pair of sneakers on.

“Such a tease.” Rick said and nudged Daryl’s leg with said boot, taking another bite while Daryl put his box down.

“Jus’ some payback.” He said and Rick flushed knowing full well the whole meaning behind the words, this time he was sure it was showing all too well when Daryl looked way too pleased with himself, which by the way was a really good look on his face. Well, considering the words of torture had mixed into the feel of pleasure last night, maybe Rick did deserve it. Rick shut his mouth and finished his food.

 

The road had been one of those old unused dirt roads with grass growing all over it, possibly leading nowhere and it barely fit the truck, Rick hadn’t even seen it before Daryl had slowed down and turned from the road leaving to his cabin, which he guessed, wasn’t in much better shape really. Any sane person would never have chosen to take their vehicle onto it unless they had a quad or a bike, but it hadn’t stopped Daryl who, unlike normal people, was probably the only one who knew what this road led to and he looked completely comfortable in the thick prison of woods, despite the gnarly road and the vehicles size on it.

Daryl had driven them far into the deep parts of the woods where the road stopped and how he managed to turn the truck on the small latch of an even older truck road of two meters going into the woods before it had been eaten by nature? Rick didn’t know. But he had and had put the truck in park before he’d gotten and walked over to the bed of the truck to pull out some kind of dark matter mystery box.

Rick could see some green spots and tears in the dark mix and he tried to keep a safe distance to the mystery box when he started smelling the strong scent of tar coming from it after Daryl had popped the lid. Shit, he’d eaten next to that box. Well, he tried to keep his distance until Daryl had shoved his fingers into the plastic container and walked over to him, smudging it around his neck and on his arms before doing so on himself, not even bothering to answer Rick’s confused and questioning look until he was done.

“What, keep’s ‘t bugs away.” He shrugged and Rick only felt a little defiled at the new coating he had on his skin but, defiled or not the touch felt nice and he accepted it. 

“’s jus’ tar ‘n birch leaves. Work’s like a charm.” Rick wasn’t exactly convinced until he was, after a twenty minute walk through the thick woods and then another fifteen going uphill he had yet to be bitten no matter how warm his body had turned from the exercise and made, with no doubt a tempting hot and beaming target for mosquitoes. Soon the treck involved hands on roots and twigs when the path, or not path really, turned too steep to just walk. Daryl when needed, would stretched his hand down to Rick who was following after him and gave a light pull to ease the climb over a couple of flattened rocks which didn’t give much of a footing, not that it had seemed to bother Daryl when he’d climbed it. Damn monkey woodsman Rick teased mentally.

By then it had started to feel like a real kind of out-doorsy date, after leaving the devil rocks behind and when thankfully the steep evened out long enough for Rick to catch his breath. It was quite the effort needed, especially the last bit which was pretty much a straight up climb again but when he finally conquered it and stood up his world stood still for a couple of seconds.

“Shit.” Rick simply said, brain too numb from the little clearing revealing itself before him, finally remembering he needed to breathe too, exhaling the breath that had been waiting in his lungs before he breathed it again, freshness so sweet he was sure he felt the taste of the air on the tip of his tongue.

“This place is amazing, can’t believe there’s something like this around King County.” Rick’s mind was blown, Daryl had said he knew places but damn, he hadn’t been kidding about this kind of calm clearing view and it had been worth the wait, worth the effort and even the thoughts of Daryl finally having gone insane or probably had gotten them lost somewhere along the way, because yes for a second or maybe a minute he’d been thinking that but he was never going to tell anyone that. He’d laughed at himself for ever thinking Daryl could get lost.

Rick stood before stone covered ground, caving toward the middle of it with a clean shimmering  body of water from the leftover light, completely untouched and only twirled slightly where a smaller rippling stream emerged from the woods and connected to it. There were trees and bushes all around, stark colors of deep and light green except for the one opening which viewed down over the expanse of the forest with just a tiny bit of the more rural housings of King County’s east side.

Daryl had strayed forth, footing so precise Rick was sure he knew every rock around the area and Rick followed after him when the man had waved his hand for him to come over. The little miniature lake was mind blowing as he got closer and sat down next to Daryl, the warm color of hazel ember reflecting the sun in the mirrored stillness into his eyes. It was calming and comfortably voiding, the clean air, the quiet, just pure enjoyable even for someone who had converted to a city boy like himself a long time ago.

Rick felt the light absentminded tug on his arm and pulled his attention to Daryl who was flopping down on the edge of the water. It seemed a bit too perfect, the body having an eight feet long ledge just above the surface to sit on, but Rick with a little more grace, sat down next to him while he watched Daryl removing the muddy shoes, then his socks, then how he rolled the fabric up and hooked the thickened part above his calves.

“Comon’, ain’t no fish or any in’ere.” He said and tipped his head toward the water before he dipped his first ready foot down and followed with the second, letting his eyelids slid to an almost closed like it felt really good and Rick could imagine. Although he thought it he himself was a bit silly about it, he remembered doing that kind of thing as a kid and teen, usually on a bridge and since he had gotten married he’d only done it once when Carl had been about five and they had been spending a week at Hershel’s.

“Feel’s so old school.” He said with the smile still lingering both on lips and in tone. Rick started working his boots off too, repeating the motions before dipping the first one in. He had been ready to pull it up pretty fast but was surprised at the cool mixed warmness of the water that had started surrounding his foot as he let it slide completely beneath the surface and he had quickly gotten his second one down after that.

“Kinda’s” Daryl complied and Rick spoiled himself a deep breath to the soothing freshness around his feet. It made complete sense that this was Daryl’s choice of therapy with the way the quiet stillness of nature helped sooth Rick’s brain, though he enjoyed going out himself he thought he was still very much a novice when it came down to it.

“How did you come across this, hunting?” He asked and decided to relax his body slightly to the left to ease their shoulders together while he gently moved his legs to twirl the water into pleasantly passing between his toes.

“Mhm.” He confirmed and his hand came up with the index finger pointing to the right of the clearing which had held the few housings of King County.

“Headin’ that way yer windin’ up at that truck shippin’, Jeffersons?” Daryl explained, turning his head toward Rick to get the confirmation and Rick nodded.

“Well yer a cop, ye kno’ t’ area.” He huffed as a follow up, passing some amusement over to Rick who tried to not get busted that he was still a little lost at the actual position they were. He knew the east side, the west, north and south of the county when it came to the central and rural housing and from that he could at least get a general direction.

“Two miles down.” He said and indicated with his finger southwards with a degree of west and Rick tried to map it out in his head, closer to the central area. Further south and a bit more toward the east would roughly be where Sophia had gotten lost.

“Used t’ live ‘re, had been trackin’ a deer when, thought t’ turn ‘round ‘cus t’got steep. T’ much ‘f a hassle ‘t bring ‘t home but then’re was this ‘fter a bit longer.” Daryl said and pushed his foot forward in the water

“Used t’ c’mere ‘lot ‘fore.” He continued. Where he’d lived before, Rick thought it must have been back before he moved out from his dad’s place, Merle hadn’t been around then from what he gathered and although he tried to imagine the place he couldn’t pin it to any housing location he had in mind. But, he hadn’t lived there around then either.

“Dun worry tho’, got a license now officer.” He quipped and Rick bumped his shoulder into Daryl with a light laugh.

“Hey even if you didn’t, I can’t say this officer saw or heard of any illegal hunting.” He innocently replied because the Dixon illegal hunting came hand in hand with the drunk tank, at least it had and Rick had gotten the gist of it after all the talk around the station whenever they’d dragged Merle in during his first month back in town.

Rick watched Daryl as he moved his hand pointing to the directions of their points of interests, how Rick lived further southwest of the little top they sat at and from that Rick could guess the station and even Carl’s school, then to the south east which Rick would have guessed from the difficult over grown dirt road, where Daryl’s place was located.

“It’s not around anymore right, the old place?” He asked, the most logical conclusion he could come to and Daryl shook his head. It wasn’t then.

“Nah, condition ‘s bad as ‘t was, tore ‘self down pretty much.” He said like it was a weight long lifted from his shoulders, probably the only reason why he chose to share it with Rick, because there was nothing left of it for him to see if he’d wanted to check it out. Rick couldn’t say for sure though, if I he actually wanted to have seen it or not, out of curiosity maybe but he would probably have regretted going there judging by Daryl’s relief about it being gone.

“You know, I’m starting to think you just wanted to get away from the prying neighbors.” He joked and Daryl slid his gaze away when Rick studied him, slipping out a half sarcastic _please_ which kind of confirmed a small part of it. Well there was the expiration date on the weekend, taking Rick out before he’d get busy because Daryl was still right about that, they were running short on time and the day after Daryl would have to leave early to go to Atlanta then who knew what would happen after.

“I like this memory though, thank you.” He said earnestly, waiting for Daryl to curiously turn his eyes back to him, meeting Rick’s own because he’d think Rick wasn’t looking at him when in fact Rick of course was and when he did he twitched like Rick had imagined him to but his gaze stayed like it was too late to turn back. It looked raw, the small sense of insecurity but it was honest and Rick gently snaked his hand around Daryl’s neck to pull him kissing him lightly.

“I lied ‘fore.” He gently breathed close to Rick’s lips and Rick felt the tense frown building on his face, Daryl didn’t lie, that was a fact so why the fuck would he suddenly have done it.

“There‘s fish ‘n it.” He continued and his voice was still as smooth and calm as before when Rick instinctively pulled his feet out from the water, heard the huff of amusement coming from beside him and fuck Rick wasn’t fucking scared of fish. He groaned at his stupid reaction before sinking the feet back under water.

Daryl just honestly chuckled and Rick basked in the sound of it, a real honest to god chuckle that had seemed to be something he never thought he’d hear considering how volatile the situation had been for so long, still was and maybe it was the seclusion they were in, the comfort of the woods and the no pressure type of presence that allowed him to breathe alongside Rick without worries.

“Shut up, I’m not scared of fish, you just built the tension so much I heard alligators.” He excused himself, lifting his nose high up to validate his purely a-okay reaction had it in fact been the complete illogical possibility of alligators this high up, but he couldn’t last too long and in the end he laughed at making a fool of himself.

“Just because you tried to distract me, it doesn’t mean I am any less than thankful.” He reinforced, feeling the shoulders next to him sink in a bit like Daryl was making him smaller at having to receive the gratitude Rick had to offer.

“They’s be real tiny tho’.” He continued, stubbornly keeping himself at a distance from Rick’s offer and fine, Rick had said it twice and the man had heard him so he was satisfied. Daryl maneuvered his hand to direct itself toward the stream, said something about most how most of the fish there were just young ones traveling there, they’d grow for a bit before they followed the stream back out again so all in all he’d said, they weren’t much on a plate unless you were real desperate.

Rick was only half listening through it if he was going to be honest, picked up on the most important points but other than that he was a bit distracted by the pleasant feel of the water, the semi-shared body heat, the low rumbling voice talking just enough for him and watching some of the enforcing hand movements whenever it was required. His mind was just simply being wiped clean from all these sensations being taken in by his senses, falling back into the haze of just enjoying the calmness and ease to just be present despite being drenched in sweat and Daryl’s awful tar mix. It had smelled for sure at the start, but as Daryl’s sentences became shorter, less talkative, Rick started realizing that the smell, after soaking into his skin, gave it a familiar ring to it and he was sure he’d smelled it a couple of times before when Daryl had been fresh out from a track.

It took a while for him to notice, for the sound of nothing to finally creep into his brain and tell him hey, pay attention. He felt his gaze refocus, shifting it over to Daryl who had stopped talking altogether for who knew how long and it wasn’t for their shared comfortable silence, he was too blank for that and Rick curled his fingers into the hair at the neck, feeling the muscles tense up like they used to and how the body tried to move away on pure instinct. Rick didn’t let go though and Daryl had stilled pretty fast before leaning back to into it.

“Where did you go?” He asked carefully, knowing he was trespassing on the later rule, but not completely, he could ask this without it crossing the border. Was it even a rule? Maybe Rick had made that up all on himself, maybe Daryl had given him some kind of signal or maybe they had agreed on it. Whatever it was, it did feel like the _maybe later_ was in fact playing a part even up there.

“Merle never got t’see this place.” He gently voiced, although still somewhat detached from something Rick would define as guilt, he had a low tone of fondness in memory of his brother.

“Always thought I’d get ‘round t’show ‘im, kept postponin’t, was always busy ‘r drinkin’ after he got clean.” Rick watched as Daryl’s head dipped and felt the shoulders sag under his arm.

“Always blamed ‘im for never keepin’ promises, always’n asshole, guess I ain’t s’good at it either. What he did, may as well hav’put t’knife t’my throat ‘imself.” Daryl laid it out, suggesting clearly he was very much an asshole himself and part of his struggles was that he didn’t think he was allowed to move on all free when Merle was left trapped. Rick frowned at that, sure Daryl was an asshole when he was drunk or bursting with anger maybe, not completely though, other than that he was so far from it and when Merle decided to sacrifice everything he’d definitely done it to give Daryl a future.

“I know you don’t really blame him, you just miss him. But you’re right, he’s an asshole, but an asshole that loves you and I am sure things wouldn’t have been any easier for him if you’d been the one away, than it is for you.“ _But you do blame yourself._ He honestly stated, watching Daryl bite down on his lip. Rick thought any second longer and he’d tore the flesh on his lip if he hadn’t huffed a half broken laugh, finding some sense of humor in Rick trying to give his comfort while calling the source of the pain an asshole in the same sentence.

“’s that suppos’ t’ help?” He questioned with some sarcasm to it while the lingering built up tension from talking about his brother and the hidden blame for him leaving, started sipping out of his skin.

“You never asked if I was good at this.” Rick quirked a dorky smile with his words and Daryl just shook his head like Rick was so full of the good kind of shit he ever knew could exist, released his fingers to curl them around each side of Rick’s jaw.

“’s alright, yer s’bad t’s good.” He said but all Rick could hear with the fingers caressing his jaw was how the words sounded tossed around with a twist of guilt, like he really meant to say Rick was so good that it was bad and that he didn’t deserve it, making Rick go out of his way for someone like him.

Rick relaxed his fingers soothingly in Daryl’s hair after caressing the line of hair at the bottom. If only the man would let him Rick felt he could offer him the world, but he was nothing but stubborn in his ways and Rick would need to seriously find a foolproof plan to start changing the way Daryl looked at things.

 “I get that you got your way of doing this, but at some point you’re going to have to deal with it in larger pieces Daryl.” Rick stated, expecting to get bit for bluntly saying something obvious, even prepared himself for possibly ruining this good evening, but was surprised when Daryl seemed to accept it, seemed to know he needed to do exactly that. Maybe it actually was the place, the isolation and this new _thing_ they were growing, sacred ground or something.

“I know. I will.”  Daryl voiced with no hesitation at all. Although, he didn’t sound very happy about it he did sound determined, the statement was sealed with Daryl’s lips on Rick’s, their bodies twisted in the awkward positions to face each other but none seemed to bother with the need to straighten themselves out. Rick let his own respond to Daryl, letting him feel his support, feel the care and devotion his body was oozing over to him. Still Rick couldn’t completely deny the unsettling feeling at Daryl’s words, the way he said it, but Merle always had a knack for twisting his brother in all directions, or so Rick tried to reason with himself.

Though the kissing was lazy, it was soothing and purifying to the point where Daryl had closed his eyes before he broke it to exhale a shaky breath, lips not exactly swollen from the gentleness of their combined efforts to just express, but they had some more color to them.

“You should take him though, when he gets out.” Rick suggested. Daryl turned his head to face forward, his hands dropped from Rick’s jaw but Rick didn’t stop dragging his fingers at the back of the man’s neck, not even when Daryl huffed in his malformed disbelief, half accepting the idea and half rejecting it as it was nonsense.

“I’m serious Daryl, you and Me..” He started but got cut off by a short and simple nod.

“I know ye’re Rick. I’ll fix things, this whole mess.” He then shifted back and tucked his head down on Rick’s shoulder. It allowed Rick more reach to curl his arm around him, bending at the elbow to gently stroke the top of the head instead, the motion answering the _yes_ to Daryl’s silent plea to not only rest himself but to put the topic away too. There would be no more talking about the matter, Rick knew that as they went back to sitting closely tucked together with the silence of the woods, the feel of the water on their feet and the smell of tar. But that was okay, even if Daryl’s weight felt like the man thought he’d ruined the evening, the moment, the enjoyment, Rick didn’t think he could ever ruin it.

 

They hadn’t stayed up at the peak for too long considering they had needed some light to safely make it back down but that didn’t matter. Rick had decided it was easily one of the best dates he’s ever had, for one because he was mentally calling it a date and not just skitting around the idea of it maybe being one, second because the simplicity of the quiet nature, dipping their feet into water while sitting close with both light and darker talks, letting both the good and bad breathe freely too. It had felt more real than anything.

All in all it kept their haze bubble weekend intact, even with the small traces of reality showing in the cracks of it, what had been important was that they had been there and together, no need for appearances or forced conversation, just plain existing on full bellies and a day Rick would remember until he died.

After getting home they had cleaned up one after another, scrubbing the monster mix of tar and birch off their skin, well okay probably only Rick felt his skin prickling under the layer and couldn’t wait to finally get it off while Daryl most likely did so only to avoid ruining the apartment.

Now if his brain had any perfect moment to finally come through with Rick and do him a favor, then it would have been at the peak while they were already down to the heart talking about that which mattered, or when they had tucked in for the evening, pleasantly exhausted under the covers of the bed after the hike. Yet Rick was distracted and focused at the same time on the relaxed mess of limbs close beside him, heart swelling and his touch to Daryl’s jaw, unvoiced with the question _are you here_ and the _yes_ he got back when Daryl connected his hand with Rick’s. Rick knew he had thought once that maybe it had been about the sex, scratching a desperate need with the holy shit discovery of what they could do, but that Saturday night asked for nothing like it, it absorbed Rick too much, kept him awake even when Daryl had slipped off into lala-land before him, the way the evening simply ended with them falling asleep together with no sexual need that had to be met, the way Daryl had snuggled close despite his previous preferable restrictions which had taken some convincing the previous time, had come all naturally, it was the way just keeping close was the only thing that had mattered and although Rick hadn’t completely gotten through to himself yet, nor Daryl probably, he’d come far enough to know he _liked_ and he was closing in on _so damn screwed._ The way he later followed after Daryl after watching him sleep, beautiful, half hiding his face into Rick’s shoulder like he was hiding himself even when he was unaware. To Rick, all of this, it was all perfect.

 

* * *

 

Sunday morning he’d woken up to a slow and holding kiss, feeling lips savoring his own, automatically responding lazily with the morning sleep clinging to his eyes. It had felt good, even when Daryl had touched at his side and apologized for having to leave. Rick knew, they had both known, it was a Sunday after all. Rick would forgive him, he did so especially fast when his side caught on fire, his scar started tingling but it didn’t hurt, he knew the sensation of his scar, knew how it had bristled some mornings and now it all made sense as the front door shut. Those times before, shit, he’d been worried and gone to and extra check-up just in case of there being something wrong with his injury but it had been all Daryl, no one other than himself had touched at it since Atlanta and it had done nothing back when he was applying the scar easement lotion during the last stages of healing so his skin wouldn’t strain and cause future problems.

Rick had sat up in bed, nudging the sleep away from his eyes with the heels of his hands, shit, it had been a couple of times hadn’t it? Before they even had gotten intimate, fuck the first time he remembered it had been that night after he’d pulled Daryl from the couch and into his bed. With the knowledge available so late into it he could only be embarrassed, although the touch must have been feather light or Rick was just such a heavy sleeper but he couldn’t have ever imagined Daryl doing something like that back then.

Not that it mattered because it must have happened and for some reason it moved his beating heart deeper and steadier, put a dorky smile on his face throughout breakfast and the only thing he could think about was that his life was falling into that comfortable place he’d been missing since the house in Atlanta, only in a new way. Through eggs and bacon, fresh coffee and a glass of juice he longed to go pick up his kids, he longed for Daryl to come by maybe that night because things had changed hadn’t they? Maybe Monday or Tuesday if he still needed the time, then of course there was the entire unknown period of time to _fix things_. Hell he even longed to go back to work and listen to Tara’s endless mess of emotions for the receptionist, share the stale muck together with Shane like they used to because Rick was happy enough to begin forgiving his friend for real and he’d catch up with Morgan, ask about his son and how he was doing. Rick’s life was filling up to the brim of it and he thought he’d finally gotten a hold of the way things should have been for a long time.

Sunday had passed before he knew it, without really doing anything other than skipping about in the apartment when all the rest of the chores had been done the day before. It had almost gone completely smoothly, up until he’d gone to Lori’s for the kids where she’d brought up her need to talk to him again and so he’d relented to her wishes and after giving themselves some privacy she’d pursed her lips after a sharp breath.

“I know it’s not optimal, shit Rick it wasn’t supposed to be like this but I need to have your blessing before I can..” She folded herself into her arms, clutching lightly with nervousness at the light green fabric, she always looked the best in green, even now that hadn’t changed.

“My blessing for?” He asked and felt the gears turning slowly in his brain, asking himself why the hell Lori would ask something like that from him unless it was something personal between both of them. Had it not been she’d most likely just given him some kind of announcement out of pure courtesy of their friendship and former marriage.

“I have feelings for Shane.” She carefully laid out, saying it like she felt fear for his reaction and it did sting a little bit but they hadn’t acted on it yet, they couldn’t have by the way she was asking him for his support, though the way she cowered in on herself, she must have expected him to get angry with her.

“You know, he’s just been around so much, helping me out and I’ve been feeling it for a while, I just wanted to make sure before I told you. He’s great with the kids and he’s your best friend, at the same time it’s just because he’s your best friend too, I think he feels the same way you know?” She continued, almost running the words too fast for her to handle, desperate to come to an agreement with Rick and if he was completely honest it was the last thing he had on his mind. Shit he was so happy himself and though yes it was a bit weird, was going to be until they got used to it if they did start dating but hell it made sense.

“Slow down Lori, I’m not mad, shit why would I be? Of all the choices then Shane make sense, though he’s an asshole but you know that so you’ve prepared for the consequences and bad flirtatious jokes right?” He said and waited for her to actually react to his musings, mouth half open in shock. He kind of felt bad for pulling it on her and closed in with his arms wrapping around the frail body of hers, reaffirming that yep, she was so small and unlike the mass of muscle he’d grown fond of.  
“I would feel safer with having Shane around here than some stranger to care for my kids and you. It’s completely optimal.” He said and gently kissed the top of her head while her anxiety sagged out of her body and she leaned onto him.

“Really?” She asked and Rick huffed a laugh, well, maybe it was hard to actually believe the words of your ex-husband in a matter like this, no matter if they were friends or not. Especially not because when she’d been his he hadn’t been completely lacking in the jealousy department, not any more than a regular man or anything.

“I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be weird at the start, lucky for us Carl is smart enough and Judith well, her questions are years away. But we’re family, divorce or in a fight or none of it, we are.” She had swatted his arm at that and sniffed air back so she wouldn’t smear snot on his shirt while trying not to cry.

“You see where things go and if he’s on board, we’ll talk about it because I doubt he’ll believe I’m okay with it just like that, okay?” He’d explained, ready to have the full on talk with Shane if they decided to proceed the light starting steps they’d taken and before that he may just need to really patch things up with him so their first real conversation weren’t _hey lori and me_.

 

Since the morning good bye kiss at Rick’s apartment all the hope for the new bright future he’d felt had drained and all it had taken was four days, three which was spent happily at home on Sunday and then being back to work the following two. Those two days involving Rick bringing breakfast to him and Shane despite the fact that they weren’t partnered up anymore and it had been a bit shaky and awkward before Shane had relaxed and fallen back into his position, seeing how he had clearly been confused over the turn of events. Rick had initiated a few calls to Daryl after Sunday but they had gone straight to voice mail, it hadn’t been anything new, it hadn’t been anything that took him by surprise but on the fourth day he’d started to question things and his brain had whispered the toxic words of _too good to be true, too happy, too perfect_ until Rick had picked his things up and gone out.

Daryl hadn’t been hurt during one of his hunts, like Rick and Carol had briefly feared but suppressed due to the man’s skill and knowledge of the woods, he’d practically grown up in them. He hadn’t broken his phone like Carol had suggested during one of their teenage like evening texting, if it had been one of those newer models at the garage which, with an ill timed phone call could very likely cause Daryl to chuck the phone into whatever unlucky direction it ended up in. He hadn’t been diving all his attention into his job because at Rick’s first stop his world toppled over the first time when Dale dejectedly handed him a note that had been on his desk Monday morning. Daryl had quit his job.

Rick knew that no matter how much the man groaned and complained about the modernization of engine and body designs, he would never just up and quit his job. The man fucking loved what he did for a living, not to mention the gut wrenching feeling of Rick thinking back on their Saturday when they had stopped by the garage for some “papers” and he’d been sitting happily outside in the parking lot, excited about his evening out with Daryl when that may have been the exact fucking moment when Daryl had left it for all Rick knew.

The second time Rick’s world toppled again, this time in a wider arc, threatening to actually fall over and crash had been with the dead patch of grass leaving an eerie and haunting feeling at the empty space where Daryl usually parked his truck, along with the leftover mess of greased up screws and bolts and nuts to the side of it just in front of the garage, smudged trashed pieces of metal and mixed leaked oil, perhaps some gasoline too. It looked like a damn murder scene only the body of whatever vehicle had gotten abused, beaten and killed off, wasn’t there.

The only vehicle present was Daryl’s bike, parked inside the garage, draped over with a dark green and well worn tarp while Merle’s bike was gone much like the truck. The quietness was still the same out there in the middle of the god damn nowhere woods outside of King County, the few times he’d been at Daryl’s it had soothed him, reconnected him to the depth of being human with its natural association to nature and the way the eyes would take in everything their DNA had spent lives and generations in, evolving, reaching, expanding, before the creation of major cities and the basic de-programming of what really made the soul heal. But there was nothing like that right then and there, the silence was crowding in on Rick and reminded him that out there he had no distractions. Rick craved any sound of shuffling boots, a cigarette butt being flicked or smudged into the ash tray, the door creaking or the sizzling of meat in the pan. Any sound that could tell him he’d been overreacting would be viable, that he’d been paranoid and that he wasn’t facing the truth he thought he was.

But the cabin was empty after he’d retrieved the spare key from the third ceiling beam to the right of the door and stepped inside the lifeless and empty space which was supposed to be Daryl’s home, a place Rick had loved to stay in that one night he had. Not that it was the cabin on its own, Rick just didn’t want to realize how his body had stilled, numbed at the freezing sensation and how his own chest was hollowing out, carving, cutting and chucking pieces off. Rick tried his damn hardest to neglect that it was all him, what he was feeling, all until the point where he saw the phone on the kitchen table, abandoned with a small pile of papers from last week’s mail .

He tried, he fucking tried until he couldn’t any more. So he had slumped down in one of the chairs with the neat and formal writing of _King County Memorial_ bearing itself in an unopened letter at the top of the pile, he wasn’t supposed to, he shouldn’t, but he’d opened the letter before he could stop himself and started reading and suddenly, all the while his world finally toppled for the last too deep arc and crashed together, the recent weeks with Daryl made sense.

Merle was gone and King County General had, accordingly to the date, received his cremated ashes as early as Tuesday that week and that Mr. Dixon was politely asked to come and collect them when he saw fit within the following 7 days. Rick could do the math, he could connect the dots, Merle must have passed either on Wednesday or Thursday the previous week and shit he’d made a horrible comment without knowing it on Friday morning and jabbed Daryl right where it hurt.

Rick felt the paper slip from his fingers and he hunkered forward while his forehead dunked down into the top of the table, making it sting because he fucking deserved it. He knew logically he hadn’t known, but he vividly remembered how horrible Daryl had looked at his innocent remark, Rick had just been happy the man had gotten  good night of sleep and he hadn’t fucking known, but that didn’t change the fact that Rick couldn’t justify a reason not to blame himself. He did feel bad.

Daryl’s half detached Friday of letting the friendly get together wash over him and really trying his best to tend to the kids, talking to Carol, eat the food while wearing himself down so he’d have to sit back and just watch the spectacle before him in the end. He’d weaved them successfully into letting their guard down because he had been calm, Daryl hadn’t been following pattern, normally violence would have been the choice at hand when he was dealing with issues, but that was it, what had invaded his mind was far from the normal he knew and instead of acting out he’d more or less just shut down and almost put out too much effort in an attempt to distract himself. For all Rick knew, it had worked for Daryl, not to mention it had distracted himself and Carol too.

It was the only reason why the entire weekend didn’t feel like a complete hoax, Daryl had felt nothing but honest in his presence at Rick’s, like he’d been soaking the happiness into his skin, possibly because he already knew how it would end and he just needed to relish in that which he couldn’t have for himself, one last time before he gave it all up. Rick knew, the straight married man idea Daryl had described, the way he looked sometimes, unsure if he was allowed even the smallest things Rick had to offer him and so he’d spent Friday most likely telling himself it was the last time, to make it a memory he could live on forever because in his reality it wasn’t really real and he couldn’t have it no matter how much Rick and Carol had tried to show him how easy his place in their family was given.

Daryl had made sure to tell Rick he was grateful, made sure Rick was aware of the fact that he thought that Rick had done right by him, how he’d struggled to find the courage to say it, something he’d meant from the bottom of his heart and how back it had sounded so different back then in bed.

It all made sense, even why Daryl had wanted to try something new, why he’d chosen to take Rick out to one of his favorite spots, they had been running out of time, actually running out of time and not just because Sunday was closing in on them like Rick had believed. It had all been one last good bye offering, something to repay Rick with, maybe give himself another of those memories of a life out of his reach, Rick knew for a fact the man cared for them no matter how much he would deny it, by now it was impossible to not see it.

Even from the damn beginning when they’d struggled at the hospital and the never ending slips and difficulties about Merle’s situation, Daryl had said he was going to lose him. Rick could only assume he’d known from the beginning Merle wouldn’t make it through his ten years, back then he’d just thought it was because Merle was going to prison that Daryl had said it out of desperation and not because he had already started mourning, why would it not make sense that it had never gotten any easier after that short period of peace where maybe, Daryl had believed Merle could prove him wrong.

Shit, no wonder he’d huffed in disbelief when Rick had said he could still show Merle when he got out, it hadn’t been an option any more. Everything had been flat out in the open really, just carefully placed in delicate ways, cryptic enough for them to pass right beneath Rick’s nose. Rick shouldn’t, but he felt like a fool.

Still this empty cabin, the missing truck and Merle’s bike being gone, no crossbow in sight and the sofa was missing its quilt. Then there was the way Daryl had told Rick he’d been sorry for everything, Rick hadn’t thought much of it at the time except the past troubles which Rick really hadn’t minded being involved in, he’d wanted to partake in helping Daryl out, but now.. He’d promised he would deal, he’d been determined when he’d said he would fix things and Rick hadn’t doubted he would, except what was occurring wasn’t what Rick had meant. Rick remembered the sweet kiss Sunday morning, drawn out for the good bye that it had actually been and it wasn’t sweet any more, just hurting. Daryl was long gone and Rick had no idea where he was.

Now really, the problem with falling in love for Rick Grimes was that he really was too slow about it and though he’d been so safely convinced that nothing could have gone wrong, that Daryl could never ruin anything, everything had and the man had proved he had been more than capable of doing so and Rick had to realize he was madly lost and had been deeply in love with Daryl Dixon for a long time, by sitting on a chair in the lifeless empty cabin all alone, feeling every vibration of his heart shattering slowly, cracking cold fire through his body burning it from the inside, his heart convulsing its tissue to tear itself apart and Rick, he fought the urge to cry.

It had been the worst kind of realization.


	17. What comes after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick experience the path of recovery, this time differently from his dealings with the divorce, it's a long process

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So besides the fact that I assaulted time in this chapter and beware of errors, I only have pretty much one thing to say - Uncle Merle is love.

“Comon’ now, I’ve let you mope around for two weeks already and you insisted you’d be a part of it so get your fancy ass out of bed while I take care of your.. not so discreet emotional comforts. Chop chop!” Rick groaned, feeling the stale morning breath of leftover pecan, chocolate and maybe even some blueberry flavors not really doing the five hours of sleep any good and he was pretty sure the combinations had already started rotting together into some horrible mutant creation in his throat. Shit, if it wasn’t by what Carol had said he wouldn’t have been sure if it was Friday, Saturday or Sunday, but he knew it was Friday, almost two entire weeks after his date night out with Daryl.

He felt himself barely twisting while wrapping himself thicker into the sheets, shoving his face into the pillow for the sweet muffling of sound it provided for him, even the filtered and suffocating offer of air through the materials was comforting and he didn’t really want to leave the entrapment of his bed. He just wanted to sleep some more if he was honest. For the first night since Daryl had left he’d actually managed to sleep more than three or four hours and both his mind and body, clearly his heart too, had been in dire need of some more sleep, now kicking and screaming, tossing up a wild tantrum before ultimately begging for it.

Rick was too old to be running on fumes, he logically knew that but he hadn’t had much of a choice in the matter. Every night when he finally managed to drag his ass to bed he’d just been reminded of how empty it was, how his lone body couldn’t warm the comfy fort of the duvet and pillows up all on its own which it should be able to, considering it had been working just fine before the simple fucking horrible revelation that he was in love for the first time since Lori.  So no, he didn’t want to get out of bed but at the same time it was still as empty as when he’d gone to sleep the night before, the fucking thing, Rick decided, was a lose-lose situation.

“How did you even get in?” Rick had asked as he’d pulled his body from the.. shit he didn’t even know what to call it, the black hole would be suiting for the ache in his heart and everything that reminded him of it. Black hole it was.

“I have my ways.” He heard from the kitchen, the rustling of containers and the clinking of spoons in the sink and he could more or less follow every sound with the image of the sink clearing up. He didn’t even know what the fuck that was supposed to mean but he didn’t fight it and so he had gotten up from the black hole and walked away from its cold and hurting presence. As Rick ruffled through his clothes, looking for the items he needed, he considered maybe not sleeping in his bed and the idea of just pulling out a mattress somewhere in the apartment would be the optimal choice when the sofa was just another black hole.

Rick had managed pretty good the first few days after the cabin and he wasn’t going to lie, maybe he’d created some half assed lies to tell himself, they had felt good though and worked as some active malformed life support. He could feel free to believe someone had been stupid enough to invade the Dixon land to trash Merle’s bike and that Daryl had left simply because King County didn’t have the parts to fix it, because Daryl would have wanted to fix it even if it killed him, that maybe he’d gotten another job offer, maybe he’d been recruited for a secret mission well.. the lies had kind of gotten out of hand just like the ice cream had and finally Carol had gotten sick of his shit. She’d brought him along to the hospital on the final day for the requested pick up of the ashes, the last remaining hope of Daryl showing up to at least get what was left but he never had and Carol had turned to Rick, sad smile on her face with the boxed tucked protectively in her arms and confessed that _I never actually believed he would come and get them_.

After that Rick had gotten rid of the lies, Carol wasn’t shitting herself even if she too, at a few moments after Rick had called her, hoping she’d talked to Daryl which she hadn’t, had tried to grasp onto breaking strings of hope and lies that couldn’t hold their weight. She had been hurt just as he had, just not in the same way as Rick and now two weeks into heart ache and possibly enough time to gain new perspectives, Rick started seeing that Carol had somehow understood after getting over the initial hurt, she probably even accepted it all. In her own way she was too familiar with the need to run and to disappear like Daryl had chosen, because before the new life she had been the same. The difference between the two of them though, was that Daryl had disappeared out of reach, where as Carol had vanished into herself, practically within reach but not close enough to touch. Rick wasn’t even sure which was worse.

Though he had gotten rid of the lies he hadn’t managed to shake his new unhealthy habit, it had actually gotten worse and like some sad sap wannabe superhero Rick had started leading a double life. Well, it was pretty much the only part of a superhero he was close to, he didn’t have a superpower, he didn’t get the girl in the end, he didn’t draw people in by a mysterious personality but he guessed he liked to think he was decent hearted by default so maybe that was pretty similar too.

By day Rick was working his ass off and jumping head first into his stacks of paper a bit too much for it to be reasonable, helping grannies over the streets, investigating the occasional B&E which, although he shouldn’t think people should get robbed more often, he felt he could have used a couple of more of them to keep his brain distracted. Ultimately he was working himself to the bone trying to keep his spirits up and finding it exhausting to do so. At least he understood completely what Daryl had meant when he’d said working hard was the only thing that really helped people like him, but unlike Daryl the it only lasted through his shift and when it was over he wasn't much better in the end.

By night, after he’d sent Beth home from watching Judith after her daycare, put her to sleep and finally managed to coax Carl into bed, he’d raid his freezer for all the old containers along with the newer ones he’d bought, buckets of ice cream of various flavors along with other candies and choco bars he had hidden from his young teen and thus, the nightly sugar comfort hours on the couch trying to rid the smell of Daryl on it had robbed Rick of most of his sleep.

But he’d kept his life up, he had to, no matter how much the void in his chest kept expanding he knew he needed to be there for his kids and he needed to put his heart into his work because fucking up as a cop when it mattered was really not the way to go unless you wanted a tragic ending to the events that could happen. It had worked, although he’d barely held on with the lack of sleep, along with the constant wondering how the fuck Daryl had managed to obviously sleep so little when he looked worse than hell and still be able to keep on going, until he realized it was pretty much exactly what he was doing himself.

Rick thankfully had had his kids to motivate him, well Carol and Sophia too but the rest got swallowed by the growing bitterness that got worse for every day he got closer to finishing the week since it was another day closer to begin the evening shifts, where as his night time daily dose of pity ice cream would be unavailable and frankly Rick didn’t have a plan to parry that with.

It was somewhere in between the despair of knowing he was losing his ice cream and actually starting on that week of night shifts that he questioned his decision to just happily give his blessing away to Lori and Shane, after feeling like he’d gotten dumped by his first girlfriend he didn’t really host any nice emotions toward their happiness. It was bitter, he was bitter and his blessing did not have the luxury of being an exception, no doubt it hadn’t gone unnoticed. At least Rick couldn’t completely follow through on wishing them doom instead of happiness, he knew he was just being immature, practically a child throwing an emotional tantrum and thus, he didn’t completely regret his decision even if it stung, he just didn't voice it.

They had cancelled Friday dinner that first week seeing how none in their makeshift family had felt up for it.

To his comfort Shane and Lori hadn’t exactly moved forward but they were confused, Shane because of Rick’s sudden shift in his mood and Lori because well, Shane had most likely talked to her about it. The few times he did try to reason and rationalize with himself he always ended up on the same conclusion, he was simply and most horribly completely butt hurt and he was taking it out on them. Rick had decided he needed to get a grip on that and talk things through, later, sometime, he didn’t know but he’d start with quitting the immature comments of love and _you and Lori_ with a semi-mocking tone.

The second week Rick did struggle to keep up with the household maintenance and his mood like he had feared, wait that made sense, why Carol had infiltrated his apartment. Rick thought about it absently as he picked up the white shirt from his dresser, neatly folded and freshly cleaned. She’d gotten the key from Carl a few days before. He remembered her saying _Carl told Sophia and Sophia told me_. His kid had ratted on him and the sad state of the apartment after slowly slipping behind on his schedule because of the hours at work, the lack of sleep and new found love of _unhealthies_ which only made his schedule worse and how he no longer managed to clean the sink and hide his putrefied means of consolation from the eyes of his son.

She’d out of nowhere dropped in and cleaned his kitchen all shine and spotless and how she’d managed to get a hold of Beth to give her the evening off was not something he’d questioned, later on it turned it hadn’t been more complicated than Carl calling her. So Carol had fed Judith and changed her, taken care of all the laundry, muttering how she got traded one slob for another but no matter how accurately pointedly she’d tossed it in Rick’s direction she’d still smiled at him, because she understood.

“Was Carl coming?” She asked as she most likely shoved the last buckets into the trash can. The clear sound of the plastic bag getting hooked loose and lifted from its place holder traveled into the bedroom, while Rick gently hooked one button after another into its designated holes. It’s was just for now, he had promised himself, temporary.

“Yea, he wanted to go with Sophia.” Rick responded to her and proceeded with pulling on the black pants, wishing the sleep away from his sore eyes.

“Kids are sweet aren’t they.” She stated fondly and he could hear Carol moving from the kitchen to the bathroom before she peaked into the bedroom after a moment’s pause, probably deciding that she was sure Rick was dressed enough.

“You’re going to give the key back to Carl.” He argued when he saw the black tie she held in the air for him, half teasing smile as it was the closest to the real thing she could muster. Rick didn’t know how she did it, she’d obviously also lost someone close to her, two people even and despite the short notice, she had managed to make arrangements with what she could get and Rick couldn’t deny he felt jealous over her clear ability to battle it differently, like Carol had a choice to either sulk it down or understand. It didn’t mean she was happy about the choice Daryl had made, but she didn’t hold it over him, Rick wanted to do that too.

“If you get your shit together.” She promised and he reached over to pull the tie from her hand and raised it over and around his head to wrap it to the collar before he started folding it to its familiar classical knot and he adjusted it a few times until Carol had nodded approvingly.

Well, she had reached to adjust it just a degree or two, but it had probably been more for the physical care as her hand had lingered on the tie, half a touch of gentle to herself as much as to Rick. It had shaken Rick from his sorry self for a second.

“Shit you know.” He had said before he could stop himself, looking into her caring eyes and the way she’d lingered with her hand, close to the tie like she hurt for Rick as much as he did, Rick just knew, he didn’t know how long she’d known about it, well, he guessed his endless moping had been a pretty obvious clue if she’d had an idea, but he was growing quite sure she’d known even before that.

“Comon’, we’re going to be late.” She sucked in a breath and followed it through with a collected smile and a tap to his suit with her hand, she didn’t have to confirm it straight out for him and he actually felt grateful that she chose not to comment it, that there was no pressure to talk about it until he felt he wanted to.

 

* * *

 

The small frame of Sophia had hunkered down with the bouquet of wild flowers held neatly in her hands in front of the stone, placing them down and devoting them her greatest of focus, readjusted their position to find the best one. She had Carl with her, standing just behind, watching her work until she was satisfied. When she was she searched through her dress pocket and extracted a small figurine, a piece of wood carved into what looked like a bear from where Rick was standing and she placed it next to the flowers.

"You know back when we were staying over at his place, Merle came around once." She started, she hadn't said anything throughout the simple ceremony, they had just been a part of it, listening to the priest talk about life and the loss of it, Merle would probably have swept his ashes over like tumbleweed hearing it, in the equivalence of rolling over in his grave if he hadn’t been cremated. She had a voice with a tone of fondness to it, snapping Rick to attention because he hadn't expected it after minutes of tranquil peace in front of a stone without a casket and no body resting beneath it, with the mocking irony that Merle and tranquil peace could be experienced in the same scenario.

"He scared the shit out of me and Sophia, all loud and asking what we were doing there, in less friendly words, Daryl dragged him outside and it ended in a fight." She said, still the fond tone but the smile on her lips was a mix of sad and happy.

"Daryl lost of course, really that man picking a fight because of us. But it made something change, I do not believe you can imagine Merle looking shy can you?" She asked and Rick shook his head, no there was definitely no way ever in the universe, not even if there were multiple ones, would there be even a single one he would be able to imagine it in. But he clearly remembered the change, he’d seen it at the hospital when Carol and Sophia had joined in on the visits, her light kiss on Merle’s forehead which had been unreal but it had happened and Carol was close to vouching for him from the way she spoke.

“I had seen the whole thing from the window, Sophia had gotten scared so I was holding on to her trying to see what would happen. Daryl didn’t see it, had his back turned after I think he told Merle to beat it and was walking back inside, Merle had this awkward look on his face, some sort of shame from whatever Daryl had said and then I it seemed more like a sad smile before he kind of waved, ducking his head just like Daryl does you know?” She continued and Rick nodded, he did know, he could remember exactly how the muscles in Daryl’s face would contort while he tried to hide himself.

“I didn’t know Sophia had looked up, she told me later she saw it too, which meant I couldn’t have imagined it. Then after a few days when Daryl was at work, Merle came by, I didn’t know what to think until I saw how small he seemed, it was unreal. You know his hands were all muddy and he was holding a bouquet of flowers, wild ones, they weren’t so pretty, half had wilted already and a lot of the picks were broken at the stems and leaves, like you could imagine he had no finesse when picking them, had no idea of what he was doing, giving me flowers and Sophia a carved little bear and told her how he and Daryl used to carve them when they were kids.” Carol turned slightly toward Rick, finding comfort in the memory and sharing it with her friend.

“But he tried to apologize even if he didn’t really know how to, he wasn’t any good at it but he was sorry. He really tried after that, tone himself down when he came around and I would never have thought she would, but Sophia got attached, she made that one all by herself to give him after I told her about him.” Carol nodded to the little figurine Sophia had placed next to the flowers, if he followed the story he would guess the girl had picked the flowers too, probably did a better job at it than Merle but it wasn’t at all what mattered, it still warmed his chest.

“Uncle Merle huh.” Rick felt the absent smile rest onto his lips, remembering his shock at the hospital where he’d thought he had imagined hearing it, he’d been baffled but he remembered things had changed back then, it had come as a surprise too but now, what Carol had told him had been the start of that and it didn’t seem all too unfitting if he was honest.

“It could have been something, had things turned out differently.” She quietly voiced and Rick could only nudge himself closer, wrap and arm around her shoulder and tuck her closer to his side, it could have been. Maybe Thanks giving’s, Christmases and New Years, their families merged together. Not that Rick ever in his life thought he would ever have imagined it, but there when he stood next to Carol, viewing the stone she’d picked out for him, his mind provided him with flowing images of fuzzy gatherings while eating good food. Merle and Daryl would bicker between themselves, Carol would tease them and the kids would have all of them wrapped around their fingers like evil little puppet masters, except it wasn’t real and it would never have the chance to be.

“It was nice that you did this, he was an asshole but he grew on you.” Rick admitted, growing perfectly comfortable in his new found ability to call the man an asshole with something akin to bizarre affection lingering in his voice as he did.

“Even assholes gets a stone with their names on it, at least when they’ve managed to weasel themselves a family, we’re not much but, we were it.” She said, humoring herself while she rested her head onto Rick’s shoulder, listening to the soft murmurs of the kids talking.

“He was one lucky son of a bitch to draw the golden ticket.” Rick said and chuckled when he felt her slim hand knock him in a gentle swat on the chest.

“Stop.”

 

* * *

 

Even if Rick wasn’t feeling ready to proceed with life, because who didn’t love to mope around with buckets of ice cream feeling sorry for yourself? Carol had no intention to let it drag on forever and after they had driven their separate ways after the cemetery, she’d gone home and they had gotten changed before going back to Rick’s. She’d said something about it, at the graveyard but he hadn’t picked up what dish she’d planned on making, but the words of _let it be known that the dinner of Fridays, they shall be dined_ had more or less stuck and so he knew they were coming over.

Rick himself had actually felt a bit lighter despite the on and off morose mood in front of Merle’s new stone, other than them, there had been no friends or even distant relatives. Carol had thought about some kind of memory notice in the paper but never gone through with it, the town didn’t need more ammunition when the rumors were already spreading faster than they could have imagined, every corner of “decent” folks had whispers about their happily ever after because finally it seemed they would have to say _good riddance_ for the last time. The last of the Dixon poison were gone, one by passing away and the other ditching town and how they had even learned of it so fast, Rick had no idea, but it pissed him off.

The good folk were the worst and Rick had never imagined he would ever think that. In comparison, the talk around the station from the few criminals and drunks they brought in and in the shady parts of town, seemed to hold them in high regard, Rick guessed it was something akin to honor amongst thieves and even though it did rub it further in with some added salt to his very open wound, that they were in fact gone, these scum people actually managed to perk up his days a little.

Now for the previous dinner that had been cancelled, which had been a blessing because Rick hadn’t at all been in the mood or even had the energy for it. He hadn’t felt much different about this one until he had gotten home after picking Judith up and dressed himself out of the suit and into his pajamas, which, if it hadn’t been for Carol a few days earlier, would have had about 85% more soiled stains. He thought the evening would just be another exhausting event in his life, but when he noticed he was looking at the stains and caught himself thinking _he needed_ to wash his pajamas, where as just yesterday he couldn’t have cared less about it, he felt the _huh_ escape between his lips and he had felt a brief reminiscent trace of who he used to be.

Things were looking up and actually going through with the dinner, even with the lacking member leaving a cold hollow spot at the table, was refreshing. It was like they could start claiming back their routine, that along with taking the day off for the funeral he guessed. It was a sweet combination to mend the break even if they tended to avoid the sore topic all the while Rick kept reminding himself that, _Carol knew_ , every chance he got. It partly twisted him, torn between the need to unload but not feeling like he was ready to voice something he’d just recently learned about himself, a start of something that could have been amazing. No he figured he needed some more time to get his head back in the game, figured he would know when he felt ready, possibly when he got off the black hole and actually washed his pajamas the next time or something like that, a victory in the battle of old Rick versus slob Rick. He just hadn’t known how long it would take.

 

* * *

 

Life had gotten easier after that dinner, Judith turning one was a major and up his game and to his surprise he’d managed to make it a successful day, Rick was finding himself getting the regular schedule of home life back on track after that and he had completely sworn off any ice cream or candy bars, which sort of left him in a miserable short withdrawal period of time to get all the sugar out of his system but it was well needed.

Shane and Lori had finally started dating after Rick had gotten over his worst sullen period of time and had pulled himself through the talk with them like he had promised to. He’d tried to not go into too colorful details when it came to their worried questions about his dip in mood, tried to dull it down to it being just another rough patch in his life and that an interest of his hadn’t panned out, which of course had only brought more question about who and when and where and Rick had to try and disarm the artillery of questions, told them it may have hit him harder than he had expected and since he hadn’t known it would, he thought the development had been too young to share. Luckily they settled for his evasive explanation for the time being, most likely because they had been in a similar spot where they hadn’t know what was really going with themselves, just that they felt something. It wasn’t quite the same, but they had waited to make sure before Lori had gone to Rick, and so in a way they could understand the need to wait before you told people.

Rick’s bitterness had faded along with the stability of his life coming back together, with work on day shifts one week and evening’s the other, then that schedule would go on repeat for as long as the chief wanted. Rick suspected the chief was spoiling him with a set schedule that would make it easier for him to plan ahead when it kept its repetitive pattern and Rick wasn’t complaining, it did help.

It made it easier for his kids and Beth too, having her on baby week instead of irregular days allowed her to make free use of the spare bedroom if she wanted to make the commute easier. She’d joked that evening, when Rick had suggested it after getting home late, that Maggie would rejoice in her new found time to smooch around with Glenn instead of picking her baby sister up at Rick’s, then she had kindly smiled at him and said it would be great, jokes aside, and she would take him up on it when it was needed.

It had been funny though, how the thought had come crawling over to him, why the hell had Daryl spent all the nights on the sofa when he had a spare bedroom? It was like after the first night after the hospital and everything that had gone down, when he’d chosen to sleep on it because Rick guessed now that he knew more, Daryl hadn’t wanted to be a burden, had just decided how it would be from then on. Daryl had kept sleeping on his couch and Rick hadn’t even questioned it, he did admit it was completely possible that the very same morning after, when he’d freaked out about having his leg shoved between Daryl’s after pulling him to the bed to calm him down from his tossing and turning, that may have interfered with his sense of reason.

Well, it was a step by step and day by day sort of process and Rick was damn aware of it when the one habit he couldn’t shake took part of his morning routine. Namely the one where he never stopped spending the first few minutes shoving his face into his pillow, groaning, but instead of pure hurt he kept telling himself he’d been so damn stupid, he thought it was an upgrade at least, having moved on to crystal clear self blame which he knew he had felt, but had never dug into.

It had taken Rick six months to get past that habit, one slightly better than the former, not that Christmas had been a hit during his recovery time but it had given him something else to focus on. Carol had invited him over after Lori asked if she could have the kids that year but had said that he was welcome to join them which he did, after going to Carol’s first. He had almost made good on his idea to avoid black hole number one, even bought a spare top mattress and neatly put it out on the floor with his pillows and everything. It had been when he was all done that he’d stopped to just look at it when he had seriously questioned himself on what the fuck he was even doing, he was a damn grown man so black hole or no black hole he had just been on the brink of sinking so low he couldn’t even believe himself and the fact that he’d almost exposed his son to the sorry state of his father.

Thanks to his little revelation he had stubbornly forced his body to sleep in the black hole on New Years, other known as BH1, he’d sat down on BH2 every evening to watch Friends re-runs to really rub it in after that, until he got over it and finally he did, to which, the morning pillow comfort smothering process had finally given in too. Six months of pillow isolation, plus Lori had practically forced him into his car three months after that, ambushed him outside of the station when his day shift had ended and driven him to her hair salon, rolling her eyes and flat out told Rick he looked like a good damn cave man and could possibly host a danger to peoples mental health, _a little may be fine and all, contained and controlled but yours, it’s not in a good way._ Well, if he thought back on it nine months of neglect may have been a little much.

So he’d gotten his beard trimmed down from a thick nest of shading aging, the dresser must have taken off at least three inches and maybe she was just the good kind of intuitive, as she’d slowed down on the trimming once it started getting short and Rick had grown tense, because she’d let him keep some of it instead of leaving him stark naked and vulnerable without anything to shield him. Rick didn’t know what sheer awkward mess of a man would greet him in the mirror without it, who the man with a clean shave really was anymore but he feared it would be someone who truly was disconnected from who he had become since he had moved back, someone disconnected from the one person who had stolen his world, broken it down and re-shaped it as his own. Whether his fears were true or not, he knew with all of his being that he did not want to be gutted and cut clean from who he had become and what lingering attachment he had left, from just looking in the mirror, even if it was just a beard.

His hair had been an easier task and she’d mercilessly cut it down to a proper length, now Rick may have protested and excused his ex-wife’s crazyness, if Lori had been wrong which she hadn’t been and so he didn’t, especially since Lori had stuck around to attend his session in the chair to make sure he stayed through the entire process. She’d talked to the hair dressed a lot, female to female, but in a way that kept Rick in between them, which after the session had forced Rick to contemplate the possibility of a second agenda to trimming his hair, he’d kindly, well maybe kindly, asked Lori to spit it out after they had been done and she had.

Jessie hadn’t been awful, she really hadn’t, in fact she’d been more than kind and a ray of sunshine in the ever brightening months. But when Lori had complied to Rick’s wishes and suggested she could set up a date for him, Rick hadn’t felt he needed it, he had been managing just fine after the ice cream long term incident and the following withdrawal, hell he’d even started going to the gym at the station instead of only going for his regular runs to beat back the sugartum he’d created from the never ending junkie buckets. But Lori had apparently thought different, which made sense because otherwise she’d just cut his hair for him like she used to do. Rick had gotten annoyed for a moment, until Lori had sighed like she was disappointed in him for not having more faith in her and he’d sucked it up to let her explain it further, _you don’t have to fall in love with her and get married, but you have to get out and meet people, re-furnish your brain with new impressions to give more to the ones you hold on to,_ she had said. He didn’t agree, but he couldn’t disagree with her either.

At least he had stopped acting as foolishly as he had during his first six months of recovery, decisions in ways he hadn’t been proud of, like not forgetting his less acceptable use of his job by flagging Daryl’s license plate in the system once for a speeding ticket north of Nashville and a followed up pathetic attempt to catch him, okay so maybe there was a perfectly good reason why he’d needed those first six months of groaning into the pillow repeating _stupid, stupid, stupid._

But the man had been alive, he’d been close enough for Rick to drop everything and recklessly enter a chase, but there was no telling where he’d gone from there. The officer who’d entered the plate had said he had been heading north but after that he could have taken either the 165, heading west or the 65 before going east and Rick may have had one relapse of ice cream in defeat that one evening after getting home, but only once.

Thing was, it had been a kind of relief to just know something, even if it was a tiny detail as a speeding ticket and that Daryl had been there, is was so tiny and at the same time it was huge, he was alive and that fucking mattered. He wasn’t _dead in a ditch, good riddance ,_ like the words had hauntingly infested Rick’s brain, remembering Shane telling him the story of the senior Dixon and enhanced by the rumors whispered like a fire spreading through town as if all of them were the same and to the town, they probably were. Rick hadn’t liked it, but he couldn’t say the possibility hadn’t crossed his mind no matter how unlikely and surreal it felt in regards of Daryl’s persona, still, intoxication and heavy substances played a mean game sometimes and the Dixon’s were heavy players, to which the game only offered impartial mercy, ultimately leaving no one safe should the cards play out wrong.

If it had been the months or the relief of his pathetic attempt to catch the man he wasn’t sure, but part of the heavier load had started lifting from his shoulders. There had been a few more within those before he’d been caught by his chief for making use of his authority, two bar fights up in New York, a fine for hunting without a license in Cleveland and another drunk and disorderly in Denver, but he hadn’t picked up his keys for those times, it was far and he knew it would be futile attempts. Daryl was all over the country and Rick had to realize it was a child’s dream to ever think he’d be able to catch up. In some ways Rick could argue with himself that he was starting to accept it, it wasn’t much that he knew, but it was enough running for Rick to think that maybe Daryl needed it, tried to make himself okay with it because whether he liked it or not and that had been enough for him to let his ex-wife force him into a hair salon.

Carol had been happy to know at least, or, Rick thought she had. Rick had found it hard to get a read on her regarding the matter, since the funeral and all, but just regarding that topic in particular. But she was still going over to the cabin to clean up every once in a while, less and less so as time had passed, like she along with Rick had believed that Daryl would come back sooner rather than later only to slowly come to terms, month after month, that it wasn’t very likely. Sometimes they talked about him, at their Friday dinners which, for the last couple of months had been one of the few things Rick actually looked forward to, not ignoring Christmas, New Years and of course Judith’s first birthday just before thanks giving. But the dinner with just them and the kids, silently standing their ground saying _we can do this,_ and for one to steady the other whenever they faltered.

So fine, at the end of the day he had somehow gotten wrestled down by Lori’s endless talking and in some magical way that only Lori could pull off, ended up with a half agreed to, scheduled date with Jessie. Okay it wasn’t magic. It was just a battle of endurance. He had felt a bit bad about pulling the girl through the mess of Lori’s need to involve herself and fix things for him, like how she used to take over tasks she’d handed to him during their marriage when he hadn’t been able to execute them in the way that Lori had in mind, a classical _I’ll just do it myself_ on her lips.  

He knew logically he should have listened to himself and cancelled because he didn’t really want to go on the date, but he had listened to Lori, let himself believe that she was right and maybe he should meet some people, get a change to his life and maybe he’d even be surprised. Mainly though, a tiny bit of him just needed Lori to shut up and the easiest way, he knew from experience, was just to go along with her whims. To be fair he had held on pretty long before Lori eventually wore him down, not that Rick was sure if he wanted to pat himself on the back for it or not, but it had to account for something, something that had Rick come to terms about his months of neglect.

Carol had held up on her silent promise to not question him. She’d have this look on her face at times when they got together but she never asked him and Rick had been, and would ever be eternally grateful for her discretion on the topic because he hadn’t been ready to voice his heart out loud through it all. Now though, for the first time since his heart had broken, before he could actually fully wave his white flag to Lori, in a scene so familiar to their first dinner together, he felt the urge to voice himself to the one person who’d been through the same shit as he had.

“Lori kind of set up a date for me, I mean I haven’t fully said yes yet, officially, but it’s scheduled and Lori expects me to go.” Rick said after a comfortable moment of silence, Carol had looked at him in that way of hers when she was offering but not pushing and it had taken but it had been his cue, after a pretty decent internal struggle of _yes, no, yes, no, no, yes and yes_.

“Did she now?” Carol asked and reached for the abandoned bottle of wine they had put on the table for dinner, ironically it was the same brand as the one they had shared during their first celebration dinner and in another way it was rather suiting, encouraging even. They hadn’t even touched it until Rick had opened his mouth about the date and although he for a second instantly regretted his words, frown on his face and all, when he looked at Carol and saw her no bullshit eyes directed at him, he could hear her voice from back then _I’m not made of glass,_ crystal clear like it had been yesterday and the clutching in his stomach just, stopped and he finally felt a genuine smile escape him in their most avoided area for months, the matters of the heart and love which had been weaved into break and despair and it surprised him as he took a breath which actually felt free and rejuvenating.

“She did, she’s not a pretty brunette though.” He found himself easily saying, it had taken him months, buckets of ice cream, air depravation with a pillow, a decent hair cut and all too many deeply needed dinners, constantly struggling with himself and always backing down, feeling that he wasn’t ready. Carol had laughed at his remark in honor of one of her old comments and she poured them each a glass of the wine after opening the bottle, throughout it all, the weeks and months, she’d never once tried to touch the subject and Rick had to give her credit for that, god he loved her for it.

“That’s a shame then.” She said and made use of one of the abandoned napkins the kids had neglected to use, wiping the little drop that had escaped the bottle head before she put the bottle down.

“How long.. you know, how long have you known?” He asked, feeling a little embarrassed but not enough to stop him and he reached for the glass when Carol offered it to him. He did feel the small urge to study the color of the wine like it was the utmost and exquisite color of red he had ever seen, but he didn’t and he was happy for that because he found nothing but comfort when he kept his eyes on Carol.

“I didn’t for sure, not until you more or less admitted it. You just, I saw how you looked at him like he mattered, always attentive and trying. And him? Well he was here wasn’t he? You know how he is and still he always ended up back here with you. You two, it was just different, then of course when he’d left you were a little more struck out than someone who had just lost a friend.” She said, her voice quieting down toward the end of her sentence like it was burning her heart in a sweet little kindle.

“I didn’t even realize until it was too late, do you think it would have made a difference?” Rick asked, tinting a bit on his cheeks and it hadn’t been because of the wine. Carol’s straight out confession was a bit too embarrassing for him to take even if he asked for it, but as it soothingly caressed his heart, it also stung dully, but it was the necessary kind of pain of remembrance.

 “Took you long enough.”  She teased, whether it was of the time it had taken him to talk about _the_ subject or if it was a remark on how he hadn’t realized how neck deep he’d been for the time he had, Rick wasn’t sure.

“Tell me what you really think?” He dared asking after a long sip and some reluctant mulling in his head.

“I don’t know sweetie, I think he knew he was lost on you, but we both know how easy it is to lie to ourselves, form demons in darkness that don’t really exist and allow those which do, to rule us against our better judgment when we should be fighting to breaking free.” Carol voiced herself carefully, like her words were steps treading past an old minefield and not just for Rick’s sake but for the memories of her own and Rick did understand, he’d been close to the field with Judith’s birth and Lori’s breakdown, the divorce and the coma, he’d been one unlucky fucker tosses into the kind of swamp which depth kept pulling you down without a shred of knowledge on how far it was to the bottom.

“But if it would have changed the outcome I honestly can’t tell, but I think the time we had? I think that’s thanks to you and the kids, why he tried. It’s hard to change your mind when you don’t believe you deserve anything different, the longer you live in it the harder it sets, I was married to Ed for 14 years.. Sophia changed things, but it still took me longer than it should have, to change things. As for him I don’t have your answers Rick.” She said, Rick thought Carol definitely had more of an opinion on the matter than she decided to share, but he knew it for what it was, this fucked up situation, it wasn’t her place. Daryl and Carol, they understood each other differently, they didn’t talk about those things, they simply maintained within each other’s presence and basked in the comfort it provided, they didn’t have to talk about it and so, Rick would never blame Carol for holding back on him. He had to figure it out on his own when, and if he got the chance to do so.

“But I’ll tell you what, because I love you, this whole deal I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want it, he does but he can’t allow himself to have it, in his eyes you may just shine too bright to blind and in his own short comings, he doesn’t dare think you’d be happy just to be with him.” She said and it was as close to a truce offering that he was going to get on the matter. The words jumbled in his brain, they were hard to digest as they ruffled through his system, his brain aching whenever it hit important bits as they tried to stay hidden but slowly got ripped into the light.

“Straight ex-wife guy who’s a cop.” He sighed, feeling the need to pull his palm over his face, it hadn’t been just a mere comment of Rick not appreciating it at the time, it had been so much more than that, all right in front of him, just hidden in threads so perfectly woven to redirect, Rick really felt he could punch Daryl for his warped honesty.

“Like a damn superstar.” Carol commented, trying to reach back to something light along with the half notch of a sad smile on her face as Rick connected the dots.

“I haven’t even thought about marriage again since my divorce.” He winced at the thought, no, it hadn’t been a fracture of consideration since moving back to King County and definitely not since Daryl ended up in his life.

“Try telling him that.” She said to interrupt his agony which Rick was very much and deeply grateful for, she didn’t blame Rick for being slow, rather if Rick was hearing the hidden meaning in her words she was calling Daryl as stupid and stubborn fuck without actually voicing it. He had to hold back a chuckle.

“So, what are you going to do about the date?” She continued, deciding that the matter of serious discussions, as far as they went, was over and the rest was for Rick to get through on his own at the loving support of Carol to cheer him on from the sidelines.

“I don’t even know, it’s already scheduled, I could cancel I guess but Lori would probably put an axe in my back if I did. It’s feels weird though.” He groaned, of course Carol wasn’t about to drop that subject and he mused, that maybe it was the necessary kind of evil, the date remained a problem and he had asked Carol to get his mind around it to begin with.

“If you think you’re ready for it, it’s not like you have to drop everything and fall in love again.”

“You know Lori said something similar and you two are nothing alike, you women are scary.” Rick mused and Carol chuckled.

“I can see her point. I’m not going to advice you one or the other, it’s a decision you have to make on your own, if you want to wait you can, there’s no shame in that.” She continued, not even having to specify what kind of waiting she was talking about, hell he had been waiting. They both knew, or at least they were more or less set on the idea that he wasn’t going to be gone forever. Daryl’s bike was still at the cabin and the bills were still being paid for even if they were probably close to non-existent in sums when nothing was being used there, not even the freezer was running as it had already been emptied out when Carol had gone over to clean with a full haz-mat like suit on her to protect her from the rotting meat, prepared for the worst.

“Maybe then, I’ll think about it and I do need to shut Lori up too, I was thinking of just saying that to Jessie to begin with and maybe bribe her to go along with my scheme, should Lori ask her later.”

“Not everyone is so lucky with their exes, she’s looking out for you right?” Carol smiled and yes, not everyone was so lucky with them. Rick didn’t have to feel bad though, Carol wouldn’t state such a thing to twist his gut, rather Rick felt that she was happy that Rick had good friends and family around him. He hummed in return with his lips absently around the glass.

“She is, you know she got together with Shane, it’s been going on for a while now, forgot to mention it. She asked me first of course, I may or may not have immaturely made snide comments after giving her my blessing because you know, I was so happy I agreed and then.. but I did realize I was just severely hurting from aggravated butt damage.” He shamefully admitted, playing with the foot of his glass while maintaining the balance so the wine that was left wasn’t going to spill out, listening to Carol chirp out a laugh after soaking the fact that Rick’s ex wife and his best friend decided to hook up.

“It’s strange but it somehow makes sense, they could be a good match.” She said after letting some fresh sweet air wash through her lungs after the laugh.

“Not to mention your kids will be in good hands when it’s someone you’re already close to and trust.” She continued, she may not have met them a lot, Shane only a few times around the station and Lori that one time in his apartment at the dinner but it was more than enough for Carol.

“Right, that’s what I said when Lori was worrying about my thoughts on the matter, better Shane than someone random.. what about you though, did you ever think of moving on?” He asked, studying Carol’s thoughtful look, unreadable no matter how Rick tried to decipher her.

“Not telling.” She twisted at the corner of her lips, but it was a silent promise of _yet_ lingering at the end of her sentence, it only meant that it wasn’t the right time for her to share her thoughts about it, but one day she probably would and Rick wouldn’t push the matter.

 

* * *

 

The dinner had played a decent part in lifting his spirits. Carol and him had ended up opening a second bottle of wine, gossiping about less, personal matters while the kids had lost themselves in the story world. Ultimately he had agreed to go on the date Lori had set up for him whit just the intentions he’d voiced to Carol, getting Lori of his back and possibly use it as a fresh breath of air. The date hadn’t been anything grand, that had been the deal when he first agreed to it. A simple lunch at a diner, located closer to Jessie’s salon and she hadn’t seemed to mind.

She’d commented about his new looks, teasingly complimenting her own works in a lighthearted joke and Rick had chuckled at that. It hadn’t been a bad lunch, he’d enjoyed it quite a bit and Jessie was a pleasant woman, he couldn’t deny that and that’s why he’d been straight with her quite early on. She’d laughed when he’d told her Lori was bugging him out about this whole date thing, said that it was fine and that she was more than up for the date being just an experiment run while simultaneously earning the silence of the ex wife and after that, the conversation had sailed smoothly from kids to work, to the differences in his job in King County and the one in Atlanta and for her, the difficulties of controlling wavy hair compared to straight hair.

After the lunch they had opted for a stroll before they’d wrap the date up and go back to their separate jobs, talking about the possibility of meeting up again and to Rick’s surprise it was Jessie’s turn to voice her doubts while making sure Rick knew that she’d had a good time but much like him, she wasn’t sure she was ready to fully move on with dating. He hadn’t asked too much about it after she’d offered a light reflection on her divorce, but it did put them on the same page and before Rick knew it they had agreed to meet up again to explore not if they would fall in love, but their own current limits whether they were ready to move on or not. Rather than a next date, they seemed to have fallen into a simple partnership and as they had parted she’d tilted her head a little and thanked him for their mutual understanding, explaining that one didn’t come across something like that so often.  Rick couldn’t disagree with that.

At night he’d gotten into BH1 with less of a strain over his heart than before, refusing to ever voice it out loud but damn it if Lori hadn’t been right. Now like Jessie had said, coming across an understanding like they’ve had wasn’t an everyday occurrence, but talking to someone new, getting a change of scenario, it had been something good, hell Rick hadn’t even feel a twinge of the urge to smother himself in the pillow like he usually still could and he’d ended up with a decent night of sleep.

As for the second “date” with Jessie, they had scheduled it two weeks later and talked about a lunch and maybe some shopping where Rick had admitted he could make use of Jessie’s help to pick things up for Judith since she was growing like a mad man lately and he had realized her wardrobe was lacking necessities for his laundry machine to keep up. Jessie had been more than delighted to help out and all in all so they had eaten an easy lunch while being able to take their time since Rick’s shift was a few hours away to talk about their kids and interesting points from when they had last met up.

“I can’t believe she’s only a few months away from being two, I don’t even remember how fast they grow out of their clothes, but then again Lori used to shop for the clothes.” He said while emptying his glass. Surely feeling inferior because he had missed out on those details as Carl was growing up.

“I know, my boys they kind of just started exploding when they started growing, it’s was a mess to keep up.” She giggled, getting up and taking her tray as Rick followed suit to put them in the dish rack, feeling  delightedly pleased from the tuna salad he’d eaten that didn’t leave him sweltering full like heavy foods could do during warm days and he’d refused to make a rookie mistake, besides, he liked salads and tuna so it had been a win-win.

“And I am just starting to learn, really thanks for helping me out in instead of it being an official date.” He said while they walked over to the register to pay for their food while Jessie glanced over at him with a smile.

“Oh don’t worry about it, I can safely say I am not ready to be dating yet, this was nice for me too and you know, maybe I even got a friend in the process.” She admitted as they paid.

“Shit me neither and I like the sound of that.” He reciprocated the smile, it was nice to know where he was situated in terms of dating, especially when he could find out with someone who didn’t expect anything herself instead of leading on an awkward date which ultimately wouldn’t lead anywhere for him. He watched as Jessie’s attention was caught by someone waving from a booth further into the diner.

“Oh a friend of mine, I’m just going to say hello and then we can go look at those adorable little garments, alright?” She asked as she waved back to her friend before looking back at Rick.

“Sure, I’ll go stretch my legs for a bit, meet you outside?” He asked, leaving it open for her to invite him over to meet her friend if she wanted to, but she simply nodded and smiled that it all fine by her, had it been an actual date though, she probably would have introduced them. But they weren’t and so, it seemed both of them knew they were still fresh into knowing each other and had no particular obligations to one another.

Rick really did intend to stretch his legs after his lunch, he glanced over to Jessie once before he accepted his receipt and headed outside, he didn’t get further than the two stone steps outside the entrance to the diner when he froze in his tracks at the familiar backside of unruly bangs, the flowed movement of a hand swaying up and the click of a lighter revealing the swirling soft whites and grays of smoke which scent, which, along with the image before him, sent a shrill down his spine. Rugged clothes and the unmistakable angel wings on the leather vest he knew so well. The body was moving, most likely having just gotten outside with its first urge to light the smoke before moving along, his name left Rick’s lips like he was just an illusion and Rick wasn’t sure if he’d gone insane or not.

“Daryl?”


	18. Given and denied

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even have a summary for this chapter. Ehe, so hi, it's been a while and although i've had this chapter for a while now (probably longer than I've should have held onto it) but it took me some time before I was alright with posting it. My plan was to wrap this story up during my vacation ending early August since we're nearing the end of this story (not exactly sure yet but I wrote at least 4 chapters with this one) but due to complications on a pc upgrade I couldn't wrap it all up and so I got back to work. So I have some shit, I just gotta settle on verifying if I want them to be posted as they are or not. Anyways, I want to thank whoever is still sticking around for your patience and the new ones who have taken their time to leave a word <3 all your presence have been peak of my busy days, so I'll give you this long ass chapter, I fear it may be yet some time before I can get the next one posted, but we'll see, if I'm lucky I'll be able to post it sooner rather than later.
> 
> I hope you have a wonderful day and see you next time.

_“Daryl?”_

Rick was almost ready to sigh and admit that he’d finally cracked, one endless second followed by another expecting this illusion before him to dissolve right in front of his eyes, like the smoke escaping the tip of the glowing cigarette, curling into nothing as it reached higher into the air, just gone. His clock wasn’t moving and his mind had an eternity to venture into the chaotic war between disbelief and speechless hope. Then the illusion moved, turning slightly with a twitch to the step like it had been jumped by dread claws clutching in for a mauling. As it turned, Rick’s clock started finding its way back to normal, with each degree that started facing him, his thoughts of insanity started washing away.

“Rick.” He couldn’t believe it, until he had to. With that voice and those blue’s he hadn’t seen or heard in months, it was threatening to break him right on the curb. _It’s all a trick_ his mind whispered to him. The more real it felt, the worse he feared it was all just a ruse to rip the rug from under his feet followed by a booming laugh in his face. He’d heard him, he could see him but the mind was a fickle thing and he knew sometimes it was also cruel enough to let you feel safe before it struck to destroy you.

Before his clock had completely phased into the time of reality he’d already stepped forth, his hand had reached out, because if he could touch? Then it couldn’t be a cruel joke crafted from sense of loss, he had to know, even if he wasn’t sure if it was happy to see or bitter resentment won from it, he just wanted to hug the man. It was a brush of fingertips to the wrist, making his fingers tremble as his mind succumbed to the soft confession, he hadn’t gone insane after all. Although, like a restraint within him snapped loose, releasing solace it collided with a fresh burn of hurt, because it had just been a brush of touch. Daryl had recoiled, pulling himself out of reach for Rick and closed himself off, marking it as a warning to maintain a distance between them. One look, one recoil, and Rick felt the remaining relief leave him, only leaving the hurt of rejection behind. Like he was some kind of germ to infest whatever it touched and he didn’t understand, it hadn’t supposed to have been like that.

“Sorry, old habit.” Rick had swallowed down hard at those words leaving Daryl’s tongue, to smother whatever was building in his chest and let his hand fall limply to his side. Daryl looked uncomfortable, with a nervous ghost of an unsure smile in the corner of his lips like an apology, light on his feet as he held on to his means of escape. Rick knew that look, the way he would sway on the balls of his feet, either unconsciously or fully aware, it didn’t really matter, Rick knew that look. He just didn’t know why Daryl had any reason to look like he was sorry for simply existing near Rick, ready to bolt like it would save them.

“You’re back? Why didn’t you call, come over or anything?” He asked, sucking in a breath to keep his sentence clear when he felt all questions, his hurt and loss, his relief and slowly shattering hope, pressing in the back of his skull, fighting to breach the wall that kept his mouth from sputtering incoherent nonsense. He felt them kicking and clawing to be released and he nearly let it happen when Daryl shifted his eyes down the pavement behind him and Rick knew he was considering his escape rather than having to answer the question. But Daryl didn’t make a run for it, just nodded to confirm that yes, he was back, it only caused Rick’s chest to constrict further, Daryl hadn’t contacted him, the only reason they were talking was because of the random chance of encounter.

“When, last night or?” Rick got the feeling he wasn’t going to like the answer, yet he held on to the hope that it was as simple as getting a good night’s rest after getting back or something urgent he had to take care for before reconnecting with his family.

“Mhm, three weeks ago ‘r somethin’.” The man responded, it didn’t do Rick any good. Three weeks and not a word, three weeks with nothing at all. Rick didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or strangle someone. When it came to the Dixon’s leaving town or dying off, the town’s people surely had been more than happy to indulge in gossiping, it hadn’t mattered where Rick went, shit Rick hadn’t even been able to buy a piece of loaf without hearing something about it and now when one was back, the town had stirred about its own business like quiet mice, like all of a sudden it hadn’t been their business. Felt like a fucking joke on Rick’s expense. No, someone had to have known, there was one person.

“Does Carol know?” He asked, dreading the answer because if she’d known she would have told him, there was no way Carol wouldn’t have let him know. Daryl being back in town was not a part of the answers she didn’t have for him, unless the man had sworn her to secrecy while he got settled, that he needed time to get his shit together after being away for so long, Rick really hoped that was the case.

“No.” Daryl plainly admitted, almost cold enough to send a shiver down Rick’s spine, even if that shiver never traveled to destroy all the nerves along its path, Rick still felt his body draining in warmth.

“Sophia?” He asked.

“No.”  The cold didn’t last for long, the eerie hollow nothing that had robbed him, just a brief flash before his entire system violently spiked and fuck it all. Rick felt his fist connect to Daryl’s jaw before he knew it, the head snapping back from impact, body stumbling while his balance had tried to reclaim its purpose.

Then he was cold again, his fist trembling from impulse and collision, he had just punched Daryl Dixon and everything was mixing up inside him, messing it all up like a batch of cookie dough mixed together by a kid using all the wrong ingredients, much like his loss of composure, neither tasting very well to him. But fuck it, he could accept that he didn’t know, he could accept Carol didn’t either but he could not fucking accept that Daryl hadn’t talked to Sophia yet when she fucking adored him.

He watched Daryl reach for his cheek where Rick had landed his blow, like he was taking it all, even the aftershock. His cigarette dropped and dying off on the ground next to him in a pile of ashes as it had been left neglected since Rick had uttered his name. He did feel better after hitting the guy or at least it put a fresh leash on his inner turmoil but he knew it shouldn’t have been that easy, uncontrolled flare of anger or not he hadn’t even seen a twitch of reaction in Daryl to try and avoid the hit, he’d just taken it and it became painfully clear that Daryl knew exactly why Rick had punched him and Rick could see it then, it was hidden deep beneath the layers of his new found bullshit attitude to reject those he knew, but he saw it, even for just a second, buried deep enough that Daryl thought he could cover it up, but not deep enough to take the hit and get away with it. The guilt proving Daryl was more than aware of what he’d pulled and what he’d left them with.

“Shit, I’m not going to apologize for that.” And he really wasn’t going to, Rick more than believed that Daryl deserved it, possibly a couple more just for good measure, although knowing the man was damn well aware did make a difference, he was probably giving himself enough punishment as it was, knowing Daryl.

“Don’t hafta’. ‘t was fair.” Rick felt his frown growing.

“Why didn’t you, we worried like hell all this time.” He was sure Daryl wouldn’t have chosen the option he had without a reason for it, was probably a shit reason too.

“Better like this.” To hell with being a germ or not, Rick stepped forth, hand reaching out to stop Daryl from shrinking away from him before he could pull him into his arms, feeling that familiar warmth. Daryl had managed to crawl down but not away enough before Rick caught him, his back in an awkward bend, body tense enough to snap any second but Rick just needed to feel him close enough to make the most sense it could since the day he’d left the county. It was an unpleasant hug and at the same time it couldn’t have been better. Daryl’s hand hovered next to Rick’s side, wavering between pushing him away or latching on, Rick couldn’t tell until Daryl stopped fighting him as Rick dipped his head onto the shoulder and Daryl’s hand grasped a hold on his shirt. It really was a shit reason, as if Daryl was sparing them the time to bother with him, removing himself from their life for their sake, it was bullshit, just not to Daryl.

“It’s not you know, Daryl I..” Rick started, not exactly sure what his subconscious would provide him, that he missed him all this time? He was glad he was back? That time was supposed to have mended his hurt, designed with space and contemplation for the brain to move things around enough to dull the heart down, finding peace or bitterness as a replacement for the lost and longing so the heart could beat a bit easier, time that people normally dubbed as the phase of moving on, but hadn’t? Rather that Rick had found both, he’d argue, he knew for sure he’d been bitter for the majority of the time, some peace yes but less so. These functioning parts of moving on that had supposed to be working as one joined piece of machinery that must have malfunctioned in Rick’s miserable mix and just stacked one on top of the other and in the end, he’d never been born anew and time had only seemed to enhance everything. Nothing had dulled down, Rick had never stopped waiting for him to come back when he’d come to terms with the choice the man had made and he had never stopped thinking about him. What he meant by better? Rick didn’t get to find out.

“Alright Rick I’m done, ready to go?” Rick heard Jessie’s perky voice call for him along with the rustling bell of the diner door as it closed, he felt Daryl tensing up again before the man tore himself out from the hug, his eyes traveling over to Jessie and then back, but not to Rick, he just avoided looking at anything.

“Oh, you also ran into a friend?” She asked while stepping down to the pavement, walking up next to Rick all innocent and oblivious at first, then frowning at the red mark which would no doubt bruise later.

“Gosh are you alright, should I go get some ice?” She asked and Rick just wished she could have gone through a few beats of conversations extra with her friend inside.

“He’s okay.” He blurted before she could move in to get a closer look at the damage, saving her from a probable mouthy bashing with foul nicknames because he doubted Daryl would appreciate her concern. Jessie was sweet, Rick had already decided that but maybe she really was a blonde because she was just then starting to realize it wasn’t some punch and dash happening, Rick’s similarly red knuckles catching her attention.

“Yeh, I’m good. I’m Daryl.” Daryl said after deciding that his interesting nothing had become boring, shifting his weight before he flicked his eyes onto Rick and then over to Jessie. Right then, Rick was the one feeling uncomfortable and his mouth felt dry, like he could see the very moment Daryl accepted them as two in one picture, like they made sense in his eyes.

“Jessie.” She introduced herself, after that look the sharpest point of the tension had blunted down enough for her to snap out of the standstill moment, receiving a half assed smile from Daryl to assure her things were indeed good between him and Rick while she was trying to figure out the situation.

“Give me a minute alright?” He glanced over to Jessie, hadn’t even felt his body shift away from her to make some kind of statement that would fruitlessly fall on blind eyes.

“Of course.” She reluctantly said, trying to enforce her words by nodding. Maybe she wasn’t a pure bred blonde then, Rick thought as she removed herself from them.

“She seems nice.” Daryl passively voiced because of fucking course he would, Rick almost wished for his body to boil again when that tiny gap that had opened between them had closed again, maybe another sock to his face would knock some sense into the man, deliver the ones for Carl, Judith, Carol and himself.

“Jessie and I aren’t like that.” Rick bit out, placing his eyes firmly in Daryl’s and was surprised that Daryl actually held them, well he was surprised for the short moment it lasted and he soon found out why.

“Maybe ‘t should be.” He said, like it was a matter that had already been settled and Rick had been a powerless pawn with nothing to say regarding the matter, he wanted to punch him again, but his energy drained when his heart started hurting again.

“Why are you saying that, Daryl I..” He tried again, thrown off by the sudden comment he should have known of, he knew of Daryl’s impossible opinions already.

“I should get goin’.” His words were sharp enough to cut Rick’s vocal cords before he could finish. On the pavement outside a stupid diner with Rick and the most horrible timing Rick had ever experienced, Rick’s opportunity slipped through his fingers and he was sure that Daryl had already decided that it was something he didn’t want to hear.

“Daryl wait.” Rick tried when Daryl took a step back, angling his body to move along, he was losing him, at least if Rick backed off just a step or two just for now, he could get another chance, if he didn’t he could mess it up for the rest of their time. He’d waited so long, it was hard and the last thing he wanted to do but he would have to suck it up.

“What d’ ye want Rick?” He asked, sharp again like Rick was just getting in his way and it was pissing him off, but Rick couldn’t ignore the guilt, he was sure this was just a ruse to escape and avoid confrontation, after all, Daryl used anger as a guise, a stainless crafted weapon so well perfected throughout how many years, Rick didn’t know. But by now Rick had learned his mouth never worked better than when he was angry and that left it highly likely he was trying to avoid the shit that was going on inside. Rick just needed something.

“Judith’s walking, Sophia’s getting straight A’s and Carl joined the soccer team out of nowhere, think he wants to impress a girl. Carol got offered to join the board but she turned it down.” He rambled while he had the chance to do so and he tried not to frown when Daryl’s new confusion fused into his edge of aggression.

“Why ‘r ye tellin’ me?” He questioned with no hesitation, close enough to invade into Rick’s pause but Rick held on, at least telling him these things got his attention and Rick wanted him to know what he had missed during his time away.

“She had a service for your brother, got him a stone and all. Just thought you should know, so will you talk to them? I think you know which option is better when it comes to Carol hearing it from you, or Carol hearing it from me, because I will tell her and if they’ll have you, come to fucking dinner on Friday.” They needed it, even if he wanted nothing more than to just cancel on Jessie to have a proper talk with him, he could wait and the current way Daryl was holding in on himself didn’t give Rick much of an impression that he was keen to that idea anyway, Rick thought he may have been if Jessie hadn’t interrupted them, maybe.

Daryl looked to waver for a fraction of a second before he ducked his head, taking his eyes away from Rick’s reading.

“Ye sure?” Daryl asked, almost sounding afraid of hearing the answer but asking nonetheless.

“Yeah, believe it or not we still want you around.. I still want you around.” Rick saw the twitch in his shoulders before the tension seeped from them, knowing he was still welcome and that the little hope he had left was good for something. Daryl cut a short nod as his teeth caught his bottom lip in a nerv-soaked huff of a soundless laugh.

“Alright, I’ll talk to ‘em, come t’ dinner if ye kno’.” Daryl gave another sharp nod with his head, twice like he was confirming it more for himself, convincing himself he was making some kind of correct decision. Rick couldn’t read his eyes when they turned back to him, but he saw enough to know the resemblance of struggle in them, then his heart squeezed when Daryl swatted him on the arm in as much of a friendly gesture he could conjure up, but Rick would take it. He had probably been all wrong about the recoil, Rick hadn’t been the germ, Daryl thought he was and he didn’t want Rick to get infected. He remembered something like it happening before, not exactly but the ground rule of it had been the same and he’d fallen back to that until, well maybe the hug, Rick wasn’t sure. Rick hoped it meant that the gap had slipped open again. Less ajar than before but it volunteered touch was something.

Jessie looked up as the steps neared her and Rick’s shadow fell in her sights. He hadn’t heard the bell from the diner, but then again he hadn’t been very focused on anything going on around him, but she had a bag resting in her lap, fingers around the wet kitchen towel which she offered to him along with a questioning look.

“Everything alright with your friend?” She asked and Rick took the cool bag of ice, quickly dying from the warm temperature and decaying into water, but it still felt nice against his hand while he tried to figure out what he would even reply to that. It wasn’t, but it would have to be. She looked like she wasn’t sure if her choice of definition was the right one and that she was alright if Rick wanted to cancel their shopping trip.

“Yeah, he had that one coming, don’t worry about it.” He tried to smile, she did too but she had probably been more successful about it than Rick. He let her take her time, because rather than that look on her face, Rick had to consider she may have been the one to changed her mind. It wasn’t like it was the kind of reunion he had imagined, he may have shut that shit down way back when, but given some time after the “funeral” and the worst weeks he hadn’t been able to ignore it. There had been so many scenarios on how it would have turned out, most of them had been happy much to Rick’s sappy, smitten and broken heart, crafted as a comfort much similar to his precious ice cream. Some had been less happy but found an understanding close to his acceptance of Daryl’s choice to leave, rather than a one shot, those had continued in chapters. But none of them, happy or less happy, had Rick acting on his drastic feelings enough for him to surprise himself to such an extent when the real one actually happened.

“Okay then.” She said, all of a sudden as she got up from the bench at the end of the diner, mind made up. There may have been tension she had reacted to, Rick didn’t think anyone wouldn’t have felt it if they had passed by, but he was quite sure there hadn’t been any real hostility oozing, well maybe during his swing but that was it and after Daryl had tried to ease her mind for Rick. He wasn’t one to preach for violence, but in that singular instance he felt pretty certain about having a valid reason for doing what he did and if he was lucky, that, along with Daryl’s effort, was why Jessie made good on their plans.

No one could probably tell though, if he’d been of more use if he hadn’t run into Daryl and lost his focus on what he had planned for the day or not. He was distracted, a lot so to the point where Jessie was the one leading the way and Rick’s main input was if he liked the color or the pattern.

The store had been huge, or at least it had mysteriously expanded since the last time Rick had been anywhere near it. The aisles were long, windy, thickly bright with colors enough to make his head spin if he looked too deep into them. They were tall too, reaching for the sky and Rick stopped himself for a moment and thought, well nothing was right with that. He was thinking too much and nothing at all at the same time, that maybe he should have cancelled after all but he also knew that it hadn’t been an option, as for the rest of the mess behind his forehead, malformed after too many filters in the way, he had been able to feel his thoughts buzzing about but when it was time for them to line up for the final check it was all blank, only clearing up a bit after roughly pulling his palms over his face, popping the isles back to their normal size and height, the colors dulling down to a non-sickening level which, did help against the buzzing in his skull.

By the end of it Jessie had done most of the shopping for him before he’d thanked her and they had parted ways, but he’d at least caught two items all by himself, one of those moments where his eyes had fallen onto a mild pink little dress and just known Judith would look absolutely adorable in it. Though she wouldn’t be able to wear it yet, but he thought it would be perfect for when she turned two, unless she suddenly shot through the roof, then he may have to reconsider. The other piece had probably been his unconscious doing the picking he thought, standing in his living room, the top with its frilly shoulders between his hands looking at the semi-cartoon like bear print on the front. It wasn’t even a close match, but Rick groaned at his revelation that his bump in with Daryl had left its mark through his brainless attempt to shop new clothes for his girl, enough to have his mind crawl back to the little bear Sophia had made for the older Dixon, source of his anguish and brief happiness both, and thus, there he stood looking at the top piece. No doubt it would fit Judith anyway. She’d probably like it too, as much as a young child like her could at least, thanks to the fluffy printed fur and big circular eyes, but it was definitely not a close match at all.

After he’d cleaned BH2 from roughly five bags of clothes neatly folded into Judith’s dresser, diapers and the new potty chair which he guessed, maybe was a little early but he’d been at the store so he would just stash it away until she got a little bit older and had a steady streak of poop free nights, he checked his phone. It hadn’t been like he had expected anything to have popped on it yet, had told himself to give it at least a day but he had to admit, it was making him restless and anxious to just wait. But Carol would text him, or call him when she knew, if she hadn’t done that by the time he woke up the next morning or during his evening shift, he was ruthlessly going to dial her number and possibly make Daryl’s life miserable, more so than it already seemed to be even if the man ignored that fact.

With an hour left to go he took a long shower, initially the plan had been a normal one to freshen up and peak his energy along with it, but as his guard was down under the spray of water the simple but cruel phrase repeated itself in his head, _maybe it should be_ and Rick bit his teeth together, tuning the temperature of the water to a nice and less comfortable sting to pepper his shoulders and burn the very words away, erasing the smallest chance of anything other related to the same scenario to join as a crowd with those short, simple words.

By the time he got out he had spent 30 minutes under the singing stream, leaving his skin flaring aggressively red and pink in a job well done. It left his skin stinging in the distractive manner Rick had intended for it as he put on his uniform, although the fabric was cool against the sensitive shoulders, the cotton scuff enough for it to last from the bedroom until he got to the station. He’d only needed it for that short amount of time after all, work would provide him with enough to put his mind away from his earlier encounter if he was one to avoid names. At least, so he had thought. There were only two of them at a slow day in King County, but both drunks sent him straight back, his mug of coffee sent him back, a motorcycle rumbling outside the station? Straight back, along with well, Rick didn’t seem to find much that wouldn’t in one way or another remind him of Daryl and he could only pull his palms over his face so many times, could only restlessly twitch his legs for so long. Why the fuck did he have to go and say something like that? Why did he have to assume Rick was out with Jessie _like that_ in a split second like he needed it to be true? And why couldn’t he have responded with _Oh I see, sorry_ like a normal fucking person or, okay just a Rickified damn-hopeful _Oh? Good_ hadn’t been so out of place had it? Because hadn’t they been something more?

“Boss, we’re up in 15.” Tara had said in a passer-by state like she always did. He watched as she circled along the office, two laps by the reception with one short conversation at the first and at the second, Tara had a mug of coffee with her that she put on the reception desk to continue the chat. It was sweet, too sweet and Rick felt like getting back together with his bitterness when he asked himself why it couldn’t just be as simple as that anymore, his life had to be complicated for some reason, like getting shot and losing his wife’s love during his coma, well, it was all for the better now but it hadn’t been easy back then, wasn’t enough. For Tara and Denise it was just.. sweet. Tara was probably stumbling over her words, trying to keep her cool and Denise had reached for the mug, smiling at the wreck of a girl and Rick couldn’t look away from them. Maybe Tara wasn’t out in such depth as she thought, seeing Denise listening carefully to pick up every word, her eyes never leaving the girl as they spoke, polite and mannered yes, but she would lean forward a bit whenever she had something to reply with.

“She should just ask her out already.” He mumbled as he sat back in his chair, taking a deep breath to cleanse himself from his bitter Rick persona threatening to arise from the ashes, he may have felt unmistaken envy looking at them, but he would be just as wrong as he had been months ago if he let his bitterness take over because they looked happy.

“What, you into that?” Shane asked from across the desk and Rick jumped in his seat, to which Shane openly chuckled at. It was quite the feat, forgetting a presence such as Shane although Lori’s influence had made a big difference, he was almost a decent person now, shit Rick thought he must have really lost it.

“I just keep an open mind that’s all.” He replied, but yeah, let’s leave out the part where you fell in love with a guy, just like you have for the last few months, to your best friend and ex-wife who worried like hell over your so called _didn’t pan out_ , shut up. Rick cleared his throat and voiced his direct need of a coffee 5min quick refill, he’d tell them one day, it was just like it had been with Carol, when the timing was right he would, for sure, definitely, no doubts.

Maybe he would give the girls a nudge, substitute his own lack of happiness in the matters of the heart. Well, just maybe.

At the end of his shift he’d found it near impossible to keep his thoughts in check, at the time his talk with Daryl had just moved along through pure impulse emotions and he felt pretty sure he’d been played into the most delicate of dances on the top of Daryl’s pawn, if I hurt you take a spin and Rick had in a _one two-two and swing_. The worst of it all was that it hadn’t even been planned, Daryl obviously hadn’t expected Rick to bump into him and it had seemed like he was just reacting out of his destructive instinct so deep rooted it was the only thing he knew. Shutting Rick off from him, yet not completely at the end of it.

Rick thought, perhaps a small part of him could allow some of his own guilt to accompany him for the evening, but at the bottom of it all he didn’t feel it. Like he’d told Jessie, Daryl had the punch coming and although his own situation hadn’t taken a turn for the better after their meeting, there was no way in hell Rick was going to regret throwing the hit out of resentment for how the man had abandoned the girl who loved him, who had held his hand to protectively clutched to lead him through the court room, how she’d acted like his shield during their dinner after that to make sure he got the space he needed.

The problem was though, the more he let his thoughts roam free, the greater his urge to drive over to Daryl’s after work got, but he couldn’t. He’d told him to come to dinner, he’d told him to talk to Carol and Sophia, it didn’t leave much room for his weakened state to interfere with his bold statement that pretty much had said _I’ll see you then_ and not to mention what was most important for Rick at that moment, and still remained, was that Carol and Sophia got the time they needed if they wanted it, they deserved that. He’d have to power through, even if he was sick to his stomach from waiting and having his mind was constantly remind him of the friendly swat, and the way Daryl had perked up ever so slightly at the invitation, like there was still something left of _them_. But their girls came first and Rick knew logically that even if he did go, he may just end up pushing Daryl to leave again if the only private space he had left got taken from him and if so, maybe this time, there wouldn’t be a coming back for them.

His phone chirped late during the evening as his fingers worked on the buttons to his uniform, stopping him halfway through as he sunk down onto the bed to reach for the discarded device, screen bright with the message icon popped up on it. He slid his thumb over it to unlock the screen before he opened the message from Carol.

_“Done with your shift?”_   He read, putting the phone away to pop the last buttons and removed the shirt. It ended up on the side of the bed, joined by the pants later to be dealt with at another time and he put on a t-shirt and sweats before he strode out to the living room where Beth was sitting on the couch watching TV.

“Don’t stay up too late.” Beth stretched up from her slouched and couch-swallowed position to turn her head to look at him after he’d spoken.

“I won’t, only a few minutes left on this show.” She reassured, nodding in his direction in an affirmative when he held his phone up before slouching right back into it. He genuinely hoped Carl would be as easy to deal with when he got to Beth’s age, but he doubted it, with memories of his own teenage years which had not restricted him to any bed times or curfews. But it hadn’t been so bad, while the rest of his group and class snuck out to party and wreak havoc he’d done it to meet up with Lori even if it was just for a late night stroll through town with silly smiles of love and the innocence of youth. So it could have been worse, he could have been Shane.

Rick hit the call button after quietly shutting the terrace door behind him, letting the tones beep out while he sat himself down, nudging the long forgotten ashtray to the edge of the table even if it was empty and it hadn’t smelled in months, but just to keep it out of sight.

_“Hi, guess you’re done with your shift then?”_ She asked, just confirming she wasn’t bothering him. It was how it usually went when they knew the other was working, a text and then they waited for the call like a simple code between them, meaning it wasn’t an emergency if the call didn’t come straight away.

“Yeah, got home just a while ago, how was your day?” He asked in eager exhaustion as his muscles started relaxing into the chair. He’d leaned forward rather than resting back into the seat, legs slightly splayed with his elbows on the knees, his free hand resting dead like in the air between them while he waited. He knew already, he just couldn’t be sure if it was good or bad.

_“It was alright, had an interesting visit today, he showed up at my door looking like a lost puppy. Figured it out pretty fast, that the bruising on his cheek wasn’t just him walking into a street pole, so did you really threaten him?”_ She asked, her voice a gentle comfort to the evening of his building worries, good then, from the sound of it. Carol didn’t sound bitter, but then again that didn’t surprise him, with the way the two of them had a different mutual understanding together, Daryl coming back and Carol seeing him, she’d probably not let him get away without some harsh truths but she wouldn’t be the one holding it against him.

“I guess I did.” He confessed, let his limp hand come to life, scratching on his beard while Carol amusedly chuckled over the line.

_“I had him stay for dinner and got to make use of my skills because he looked like an overgrown ditch, just.. Sophia wouldn’t talk to him, she’s angry I get that but I didn’t think she would ignore him. The best I could do was give her some space when he asked about the stone, all ready to claw his way out of the apartment, so I took him there. It was nice, a shift I guess.”_  He let her go on, listened to her soft but well contained voice.

_“He chuckled when I said that he should come on Friday, if you were okay with it. Told me ‘ye damn peas in a pod, spoutin’ t’same shit’, said you’d said the exact same thing, well, almost. I got a nod, sorry, was the best I could do.”_ Rick almost chuckled himself when Carol imitated Daryl’s slurry accent spot on while adding a mocking tone to it.

“Think it’s a bad idea then?” Rick asked, that meant he was coming, he’d said he was and if Carol had asked him too then that was all the green lights Daryl needed. But from the sound of it, Sophia hadn’t been happy, to think she’d ignored him all together did cause a problem.

_“No, she doesn’t hate him, think she just learned how to be stubborn though.”_ Rick could almost see Carol shaking her head, but not without that safe smile of hers, suggesting Daryl had influenced her kid enough to not just be the growing-up kind of stubborn kids would do for the sake of rebelling against the parents.

_“And you?”_  She asked openly for Rick to make whatever of the question he wished, could talk about his morning coffee if he so wanted to and Carol wouldn’t mind if he chose to avoid the issue, but she’d be there if he didn’t.  His guess was that she’d already formed a vague idea. Much like Rick had assumed Carol would call if Daryl did talk to her, she expected Rick to do the same, had it been a happy reunion.

“I honestly don’t know, he met Jessie, told him we weren’t like that but well, you can guess the rest. Thought it was impossible to get him to listen, then there was something, felt like what I knew for just a moment.” He sighed and pushed his back against the chair, kicking his legs straight out and let his head drop onto the flat thin edge on top of the chair to slowly annoy his sense of discomfort with intention.

_“Glad I didn’t go easy on him with the comb when he admitted he’d been back that long, got some proper tugs in, but it doesn’t make it any better.”_ Rick begged to differ, seeing the teeth of the comb latching stuck in knots and tangles due to neglect, it was a little comforting to his sore and salt infested emotional system. Carol would tell Daryl to stop complaining, voice sharp and being the two of them, Daryl would probably take it with a grunting growl doing nothing to intimidate her. It managed to shuffle some warmth through his chest, along with the harsh truth that Carol hadn’t been rejected at touch like he had, but then again she never really had.

“It does, at least a little bit.” He said, scraping together enough courage to let Carol’s unknowing revenge comfort him.

“I’ll start with dinner on Friday though, he should be there, have him get used to us again. It’s what’s most important, three weeks late or not.” He said, step one was claiming back their gathered dinner as they knew it, Daryl still wanted to be part of them, at least he hoped so since Daryl had agreed to that one bit when he’d been cut off in most of the other matters and he hoped it meant that there was also something between them that still remained in Daryl’s corner.

  _“Dixon’s have a thing for golden tickets. It’s shame he’s an idiot.”_ She gently teased him over the phone and his heart squeezed.

“Even if he is you will always be on his side.” He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, maybe Carol’s heartwarming laugh or humming noise singing lightly, but it was mainly quiet, making Rick lift his head from the dreadful hard piece of wood that had been cutting into the back of his neck for the last minute or two.

_“You’re right, but you got it a little twisted, I’m on his side for you and on yours for him, simple as that.”_ Yeah, Rick loved the hell out of Carol.

_“Hey Rick?”_ He hummed to let her know he was still there, still struck by what she had said, locking his jaws to keep himself from being overwhelmed from her unique and unending devotion.

_“Thank you.”_ She said, with a warm tone enough for Rick to feel like he was made of glass and she’d seen through him like he’d been spotlessly cleaned, knowing what he’d done despite his own interest being left behind.

“Always.” He softly responded, even if he gave her everything he had he still wouldn’t feel like it was enough.

_“Going to go to bed, see you on Friday then?”_

“Yeah, good night.”

_“Good night.”_

* * *

After suffering through a much harder Thursday than his Wednesday, in terms of internally arguing himself out of barging in on Dixon property, Friday finally showed itself with piss pouring rain to drop the mood but nonetheless it was their Friday and for the first time in nine months, almost ten it would be complete with its joining members, feeling right again. The heavy rippling of thick drops of water pattered on every window of the apartment with the shifting wind, engulfing it, merging with the warmth of the kitchen spreading Carol’s oven roast that had been cooking slowly for an hour. Drinks were littered around, comics and candy as the kids got engaged in their discussions. It had taken some time, Sophia had been sullen when she and Carol had entered the door, shedding their coats, rain soaked despite the short walk from the car to the building, hanging them in the hallway and left their shoes on the door mat to let it catch the worst of it. But throughout their pre-dinner mingle hour she’d come around more, still somewhat quiet but chatting with them, from time to time she’d glance over at the clock in the kitchen or toward the door with a worried frown. She was also waiting.

“It’s probably because of the rain.” Carol said, wrist turned in front of her to look at her watch before she put on the criss-crossed patterned oven mittens, clicked open the latch and lowered the oven door to lift the roast out, placing it on top of the stove before she moved the baked potatoes from the bottom of the oven to the middle.

“Roads could be clogged up.” Rick suggested as he moved over to the window, indulging Judith with random chit chat while trying to catch the state of the outside world between the little streams of non-ending water running down on the outside. He couldn’t see much really, but he saw enough large puddles gathering around in every sink it could, filling them up then expanding as the rain kept falling.

“Do you know if he got his phone going?” He asked, turning around to receive a tiny slice from the roast as a taste test before Carol got the aluminum foil out to wrap the roast so it could rest while the baked potatoes were doing their last minutes in the oven. He chewed up most of it, letting a tiny soft strip remain that he parted in half to let Judith have a go at the meat, watching her delighted drool conquer the tiny soft piece.

“Should be, unless he hasn’t bothered to activate it yet, could give it a little while longer.” They did, setting the table up with plates and silverware, glasses and the soda, a bowl of salad, the spicy pepper sauce and a lighter flavored one made out of cream for the kids. The baked potatoes got to stay inside the oven with the heat turned off, the door slightly ajar and kept open with a wooden spatula Carol had latched into the gap. None of them said anything about it, but they were all reminded of disaster Friday when it had gone twenty minute past their regular dinner time and their last member still hadn’t come.

“Dad, maybe he’s not coming?” Carl asked, probably hungry when dinner was running late, no doubt Sophia was too and yeah, he couldn’t count himself and Carol as an exception to it. But he had been sure Daryl would come, he had said he would and Rick couldn’t understand why he wasn’t there yet.

“Carol could you try calling him? If he doesn’t answer I’ll try the station, see if there’s been any accidents due to the weather.” He said, hand swiftly going into his pocket to pull his phone out, trying to keep calm and not let his mind go into thoughts of accidents because surely that would be a cruel joke.

“Voice mail.” Carol’s brows had sunken in toward the bridge of her nose, staring at her phone, folding in on herself while trying not to in front of the kids, when she looked up at Rick he knew she wasn’t too far from his own thoughts and as if on cue Judith took offense and started crying in her high chair, Rick had almost put his phone down to go lift her up.

“I got her dad.” Carl had sprung into action, up on his feet and already reaching for his sister to try and sooth her crying so Rick could make the call. He was just about to hit the button when Sophia squirmed in her seat, voice out of nowhere stopping his finger before he’d pressed.

“It’s my fault. He came by school yesterday to say sorry and I told him not to come, but I didn’t think he would listen, I was angry but I didn’t mean it.” Carol visibly let out a breath she’d been holding since her call had gone to voice mail, Rick let his hand drop and the screen died into black in automatic lock down. Sophia’s face was contorted, keeping herself together to the best of her ability, blaming herself for the standstill in the Grime’s apartment and for what she’d apparently said to cause it all.

“Oh sweetie, we’ll work something out.” Carol had walked over to her daughter and hunkered down in front of her, letting her hand guide a strand of hair behind her ear, mainly just for the comforting act of it and kissed her on her head.

“I could drive there and get him?” Rick suggested, he could explain it was a misunderstanding. Sophia tilted her head up, her contorted face evening out when she realized they could still get Daryl to come over, just, with no phone active Rick would have to drive over there first.

“Really?” She asked, no, Sophia really didn’t hate Daryl from the looks of it. Rick gave her a reassuring smile, similar to the one Carol was sporting when her daughter perked up at the suggestion.

“Of course.”

* * *

 

The ride over to Daryl’s hadn’t been as bad as he thought, the rain seeming to fall less aggressively around the eastern part of town. Although he still had to drive slower than he normally would, the vision was clear enough and it only took him a little while longer than he thought to reach the Dixon residence. The dirt driveway to the house was soaked with water, mixing with the ground, puddles lingering thick and deep enough that he had to jump around and over them after he’d parked his car to safely get over to the porch without soaking his feet into a wet and sloppy cold mess. The rain had traveled, soaking the eastern area before it came into the center of town from the looks of it, it didn’t make Rick feel much more eager to stay out in it longer than he had to even if it was less heavy here it was still falling effectively to soak as much of his clothing as it could and so he rushed up to the door, knocking with a couple of heavy thumps of knuckles so it would be loud enough to be heard over the rain.

Daryl had a beer in his free hand when he opened the door, first Rick caught the look of surprise on his face when he was met with Rick, then the notion of _fucking knew it_ like he’d seen it being a possibility that Rick would stalk him down when he didn’t show, then he sort of just settled into an old ingrained frown which Rick tried to respond to with an apologetic smile. His hair was shorter, cleaned up from the long mess it had been outside of the diner, less tangled and more sorted much thanks to Carol’s skills with a scissor.

“Can’t ye take a hint?” He bit out, frown turning into a scowl but yeah, Rick knew it was all a cover up, the scowl doing nothing to put him off thanks to that.

“Stop. Sophia told us what happened, she was angry and it just came out, she didn’t even think you would listen to her and now she’s feels bad for saying it. So just common, dinner is ready.” Daryl lingered, fingers curled onto the handle, his scowl dropping before he glanced back into his cabin like he was considering just shutting the door in Rick’s face and settle for him being a lying piece of shit, only, even Daryl knew Rick wasn’t one.

“Haven’t you kept us waiting long enough already?” He asked carefully, maybe he was aiming low but it seemed to be effective, well that and probably the image of a half drenched Rick with curls dripping cold trails over his neck. Daryl’s fingers loosened around the metal handle of the door before he completely let it go, pushing it open for Rick to step inside.

“Gotta put somethin’ fresh on.” He muttered, stepping back as Rick came inside before he turned to grab a change of clothes, dropping the beer off on the kitchen table as he passed it.

“I don’t even want to know what Carol will do to you when she see’s you broke the shoe rule.” Rick watched the muddy shoe tracks littering the hallway and kitchen, listening to the thuds of boots as Daryl walked into his bedroom and fought the smile that grew when he heard Daryl mumble his _mhmm_ in a grumpy tone, it had been so long since he’d heard that absent noise and hearing it now was doing stupid things to him, it was so much better compared to the meet at the diner.

“Don’t tell ‘er then.” Rick heard as Daryl came out from his bedroom, his ratted t-shirt replaced with a plain and pretty fresh looking one in dark green, stepping past Rick to grab his black jean jacket and ruffling through the pocket until he pulled his keys out. It felt more like normal, more comfortable in the moving about without the twitchy tension to put Rick on edge, maybe Daryl had just panicked outside the diner or Rick’s brain had twisted a nerve enough to fool him, maybe Daryl was contagious and Rick had caught his pessimistic and paranoid ways growing ever since the day he’d left King County, all the reluctance had just been in his head all along?

“I could drive us you know?” He suggested when Daryl zipped the jacked, keys still in his hand, glancing over at Rick like it was a stupid idea.

“Nah.” He said as he started down the steps, avoiding the muddy pools before he stopped and looked back to Rick.

”Shit, yer real ass city stupid, ain’t no way yer gettin’ that car movin’ now.” He trailed off toward Rick’s car instead of his pickup and walked around it, caking his boots in fresh mud, crouching down to check the wheels, accessing the state of the parking. Rick skipped over puddles, confused until he wasn’t anymore, the tires had sunk down into the loose ground.

“Could try to push it?” He asked but just earned a glare from Daryl, right, although it was technically possible with some work the rain was still falling, so did any motivation they had to try and get the car from the muddy lot.

“Jus’ get in t’truck, I’ll pull yers out t’morrow.” Daryl muttered, jabbing a thumb in the pickups direction as he said it and stalked off to the driver side, unlocking the doors before he got in. So he didn’t get to drive Daryl, but at least it turned out the other way around instead of grabbing separate cars which would have been a little awkward, not illogical he guessed but still, any moment together was better than no moments, even if it meant leaving his car behind.

The rumble of the ratty engine did little to smooth over the lack of conversation in the truck though, Daryl kept his eyes sternly on the road, back to wearing part of his scowl showing on the stern set of his mouth while Rick was a tad bit too nervous. He’d failed to start anything when Daryl had turned the key in the ignition and after that it was like there just wasn’t any good moment to spark anything, which was why he’d reached for the stereo, pressing buttons to at least get some music going but the evil little device just kept staring back at him in pitch black until Daryl cleared his throat at his futile attempts and moved his hand from the shifter to slap Rick’s away from the buttons.

“’t broke somewhere ‘n Wyoming.” He said and took his hand back to the shifter, thumping his index finger on the knob. Rick stared at his finger, feeling the little tuft of warmth on his own from the little slap while of course, he sort of felt like a kid who had gotten too rowdy for the indoors and been sent outside. But that served as an opening, he pulled his hand over his thigh, resting it palm down and tore his eyes back to the road.

“Wyoming huh, how far did you travel?” He could almost hear Daryl’s mental curse at the mistake of opening his mouth in the first place with the ticking silent seconds of mentally slapping himself before he was trying to decide if he was going to answer Rick or not.

“Jus’ a bit northwest of Idaho, then down t’ Phoenix.” He finally said, even if Rick had been vaguely aware that the man had been all over the country from his.. abuse of authority, which he would try to take to his grave, it still came as a surprise.

“Never to the coast, LA, San Francisco?” But he would work with what he got, even if it was about how far away he’d gone from King County or how close by he’d slipped past, it was conversation and he was interested in knowing, needing to build.

“Nah, never liked t’coast, ain’t much fer t’ sea, ’s mhm, unsettlin’.. vast.” He said after a moment to think it through, a short pause before expressing his thoughts on the sea. In a way it suited everything that was Daryl, Rick had never pictured him and the sea together, but mention him and water and Rick would see Daryl at the edge of a lake, content in symbiosis with the deep parts of the woods. It made him turn his head, eyes slipping over to the man that kept his own forward, focused on the road.

“I know you had to leave, took me a while to understand but I did, know you had already decided, but why? He asked.

“Yeh, was t’only way. And ye kno’ ye said I could still take ‘im, ‘n ye were right, had t’ fix t’ bike first ‘cus I trashed ‘t but I did, jus’ not t’ way ye meant.” Daryl spoke, bit his bottom lip, collecting his words before he continued.

“Merle ‘n I, used t’ go a few times, jus’ our bikes ‘n t’road, huntin’, workin day’s end jobs ‘n whatever town we were at, ‘r win in poker t’ earn our cash. Used t’ talk ‘bout movin’, somewhere, never could decide ‘n we always ended up back ‘ere.” Okay so maybe he didn’t always have to be pissed off to get his mouth working, getting caught in the spell of his brother seemed to work as well, before and now too, looking entranced and soft when he spoke with affection, reminiscing of a time drifting with his brother, like the roads where his sky and with the roaring engine beneath him he could fly. In that moment, Daryl looked so beautiful Rick thought his heart would stop.

“Sorry of punching you.” He slid out of nowhere when part of Daryl’s reasons had hit a bit too close to his heart, part of it was something Rick had said and had given Daryl some meaning, one more ride in memory of his brother.

“Thought ye weren’t goin’ t’apologize fer that.” He poked at Rick’s previous declaration, giving him a quick look before he turned back to the road and Rick could swear he’d almost sounded teasing.

 “Ye goin’ soft ‘n me?” _Curly,_ Rick heard his brain add and scrounged his eyebrows together, assessing the side of Daryl’s face that he had access to, he was damn well teasing him alright.

“Shut up.”

* * *

 

Daryl really had shut up after that, for most of the remaining distance through the rain and Rick hadn’t found anything else to stay, stumped and a little at loss, tumbling flops in his belly mixed with cruel reminders to not let it go straight to his head because he didn’t know where they were yet and he’d mentally chanted _dinner first_ to keep some level of calm. The only light conversation that had struck up as they got closer into town, closing in to Rick’s apartment was Daryl’s brief worry about the shoe rule apparently, he’d glanced over at Rick and asked if he really wasn’t going to tell her and Rick had promised that he wouldn’t.

The apartment hallway greeted them with a smiling Carol, two towels draped over one of her lower arms but she didn’t urge ahead to hand them over, the soaked clothing and the water dripping from their hair in their drenched states being the last thing that mattered when Sophia peaked out from behind her mother, almost looking scared now that they were there and she didn’t know what to do. The hallway was uncomfortably engulfed by her watching eyes until Daryl crouched down, waiting patiently, their eyebrows knitting together in unison from some unspoken conversation between them. Rick hurried the fuck away, kicking his shoes off to leave the two of them more space when Sophia moved out from the safety of her mother’s shadow and padded over, stopping right in front of him, even daring to hold her head courageously straight to stay strong before it fell and she wrapped her small arms around his neck when he held his arm out, carefully wrapping them around her, she almost looked to be holding on tight enough to make it difficult for him to breathe but Daryl didn’t seem to mind.

“I should buy you an umbrella.” Carol had lifted one of the towels off from her arm and playfully whipped the end of the fabric onto Rick’s shoulder to grab his attention and he caught the piece, wrapped over his shoulders and started squeezing the tips of his curls with the terrycloth to get the worst of the water out.

“Common, let’s check on the food.” Carol suggested, wanting to give the huggers a minute and Rick thought she wasn’t wrong, they could probably use it. Carol put the second towel down on the hallway seat before she pulled Rick with her into the kitchen.

“Carl forgot the first and second one at school.” Rick scooped his daughter up first thing as he joined Carl who had been keeping an eye on her, high chair plate empty from food and her yellow plastic spoon laying discarded along with it, recently fed and a happy bit more content in comparison to her sudden crying before he’d left, apparently, accordingly to Carl, he was to shut up and also that Judith couldn’t get enough of stewed veggies. Rick had kissed her on the cheek and propped her on his hip while Carol moved about in the kitchen, Carl quick in tow to help her get the food out while Rick checked the fridge for their bucket of salad and two bottles of cola in the process of re-chilling.

Daryl had looked shocked when he and Sophia entered the kitchen after a good amount of minutes, drier than before and with the rest of them already in their seats, trying to leech clues about the secret girl Rick suspected his son had had grown a crush on and Carl was flushing red whilst telling his dad to stop because he did not have a crush on any girl. Rick didn’t, he kept teasing, even Carol joined in and Judith was gurgling her own input of few misshaped words, they were all in their places, Daryl’s own empty and waiting like he hadn’t expected it. Sophia curled her fingers tighter around his hand, his limb looking like it belonged to a giant but despite that, her little hand looked to hold on hard enough for it to hurt, some half formed insistent version revenge perhaps. She pulled at his arms when he’d stopped at the scene before him, stumbling him back to life and had him sit down in his seat, because it was still his seat and they all tried to not show even the slightest trace of smiles at how much power the girl had over him.

It was a little awkward in the beginning, before Daryl got adjusted to the long-lost ways of their Friday dinners, but they let their conversations drift around, leaving open places in case he wanted to add something until they started asking light questions. The longer they sat around the table, eating their fill, the easier it seemed to get. By the time they were grabbing seconds he was talking to Sophia about some hunt he’d gone on while he’d been away and Rick heard her asking why he hadn’t taken the shot. Form the sound of it, she’d asked around his living on the road and he’d gone close to the story he’d told Rick about in the car with him and Merle, not caring about putting a kid friendly filter on it. He didn’t seem to consider his answer much, just stroked a hand over his scruffy scarce beard and described the size of this moose, it was a moose he’d tracked down in Idaho, explained it was too large when he came upon it, said there was no way he was going to eat the entire animal. She’d frowned at him, understanding the reasons but then asked why he’d tracked it then, to which, he’d just shrugged said he’d wanted to, it had been tracking for the fun of it.

Carl had asked him what his weirdest game had been, regretting his question when Daryl shared the details about a skunk which had snuck into his camp when he’d gone to clean up and sprayed part of his pack when Daryl had came back and startled it. The smell had lingered through plenty washings, even three weeks after it had clawed in his nostrils when he’d tried to sleep, as it turned out, skunk wasn’t very good meat, but he spared them all their apatite by not going into details about the taste and texture. They all seemed to conclude, that Daryl pretty much ate anything, talking about keeping to smaller game since driving through a town with a gutted and cleaned dear wasn’t always appreciated, so everything from snakes, bugs and roots to birds, one or two raccoons, but mainly squirrel and hare.

At some point late into seconds even Daryl joined in on the teasing, asked Carl about this girl he’d joined the soccer team for in pure revenge for one of the kids snarky comments and they all, except for Carl of course, snickered around the table when Daryl had joined their ranks due to their previous teasing and Rick blurting it all out in front of the diner. After that, they ventured into Carol turning the position on the board down, how she said it would have been great if it wasn’t for the fact that she wouldn’t be able to work the floor if she accepted it and that she still wanted to work with her patients for a few more years.

Rick had half forgotten he was part of the table at the end of it, too consumed into the familiar mood around the table now that it was complete and desperately soaking it in after missing it for so long, it left his input limited but he didn’t mind, it was far too enjoyable to just sit and watch, listening to the rest of them. It was like their roles were reversed from the last dinner they had over nine months ago, where Daryl had simply been part of it, storing every detail to take with him before leaving, only Rick wasn’t about to leave. But he did wake up when Carol had gotten up to collect the empty plates from the table, offering them to the sink with Daryl right behind her to take his place next to her, flipping the tap to get the hot water running. She’d chuckled at him for going straight to the dishes and he had told her to shut up when her hand had gently poked his elbow as she called him grumpy. Playfully she’d taken the soap and squeezed more than needed into the filling sink, quickly foaming up, coating the sink in a thick layer of white bubbles as she abandoned him before he could exact revenge. His hand was halfway down in the bubble pit, cupped to collect with a trashed plan to smudge it on her, without his actual target left within reach he was just standing with a bubble coated hand in the air, glaring after her.

Rick had gotten up from his seat when Daryl attempted to save the sink from certain doom, scooping over foam into the water free side of the split, turning the faucet from the plate filled bubble disaster to start killing their transitioned comrades in the bare stainless steel wasteland and seemed to be successful enough in the little soap war he was fighting. Rick had joined in with Carol in her quest to clear the table, placing more dishes on the countertop, trying to not let it bother him how Daryl moved in adjustment to him to preserve some distance whenever he passed by. He had picked the little leftover food from the table, sorting it into a tupperware each for the potatoes, the slices of roast beef and the salad before he grabbed a kitchen towel, mind set to at least try.

“Need some help?” He’d asked, moving closer to the sink when Daryl shifted to the side, just done with a plate he was about to put in the drying rack. He watched Daryl glance over at Rick, or rather, despite his façade of relaxing into their old patterns, Rick thought he could see the lingering hesitation and discomfort at the suggestion, like he was confirming they indeed still had a proper amount of space between them thanks to his efforts and whether it would be a good idea or not.

“I got ‘t.” He mumbled and shoved the clean plate into the rack. Rick felt his hand sink, towel along with it, dropping it on the countertop, reminding him it was the steps, dinner first then they’d work on getting Daryl back to being used to them, or him specifically it seemed. It didn’t make it hurt any less, after sharing his bed, sharing kisses and gentle touches he’d been tossed back into the weariness of his presence alone.

“Fine.” Rick heard, had just started to cower away into his shitty little reality that kept double siding him with hope and ruin at the same time and then, just like Carol had handed him the towel in the hallway Rick felt the kitchen one land and snake it’s way over his shoulder when Daryl offered it. He gave Carl a quick glance, watching him entertain his sister along with Sophia, Carol was wiping the table clean from spill, humming to herself and Rick turned back to the task at hand, careful not to invade on the space the man had created when he took his place now that he was allowed there. Daryl rinsed off a bubble covered plate before he handed it to Rick who wiped it dry in a well practiced manner, by every plate Daryl grew less tense at the close quarters and Rick could feel him sink into their joined space, it was soothing even if Daryl still made sure there was a reasonable amount left between them.

The rest of the evening played out close to their old dinners except even though Daryl was friendly enough Rick could still feel that fence put between him, which he mused, was better than the wall the man had in the beginning of their relationship, but then again, back then, he hadn’t felt the way he did, hadn’t realized when his thoughts of Daryl had changed from friend to someone he loved so even if the wall was gone, replaced by a fence, it cruelly allowed Rick to see the other side but while it kept him from getting over there. In the end he couldn’t decide if it was actually better.

Daryl spent most of the time with Sophia and Carl, she was like glue on him, kind but ruthless at the same time, constantly reminding him that he’d fucked up just with a look in her eyes, an evil little mastermind that could break him down easily, had his heart in her hand to do whatever she wanted with it and he let her. Around eight Daryl had pulled his invisibility card, or namely, his smoke break as Lori stopped by to pick up Carl and an already passed out Judith, not only did it provide him with an excuse to escape despite the stink eye Carol threw in his way, but it did allow him a breather from Sophia that was making him promise endlessly he’d never just disappear on her again. It was cute to watch though, how he was at her mercy and the way she took advantage of it, like a price for hurting her and pissing her off in the first place, only it was a life-long price from the looks of it.

Carol had snuck outside after the quick meet and greet with Lori, the scene with her and Daryl through the window so ingrained it looked like last time they had been out there had just been yesterday and he wondered what they normally talked about when she didn’t coax him into playful bickering, knowing that Carol had said they didn’t talk about certain things. He found that he didn’t actually have a clue when it came to the two of them and tried to keep his attention in the hallway as best as he could instead, asking how things were going with Shane because he really couldn’t take everything Shane said seriously, exaggerating while being stupidly in love. Lori though, was the brains in the operation, sorting out every relationship boast Shane had thrown while shaking her head with a smile on her face, calling him silly while she was at it.

But Rick was happy for her, had been for a while now and even happier after the events of wonderful dinner, reclaiming what they had lost all those months ago. It looked like Lori could tell, but Rick knew she would get the wrong idea and feared the day when she’d ask if it was about Jessie, the date she’d set up for him and how he would have to explain they hadn’t exactly gone on a date and that it didn’t have anything to do with her at all, rather she’d only made it more complicated and he had involuntarily replayed Daryl’s shit opinion, telling himself that no, they shouldn’t be. Thankfully Lori didn’t ask that evening, but at some point she would, being well nursed by the lovey-dovey state of her own relationship she was most likely eager to be part of the progress of her believed work, it did suck that he would have to let her down on the Jessie project but he would have to when it came to that.

Lori had left with the kids after that, when Sophia and Carl had finally wrapped up their chatter and the hugging process had made its round in the hallway while saying good night. Rick had stretched his body to force some building tension out, with Lori picking the kids up he was becoming aware of the fact that Carol and Sophia would be leaving after that, the dinner activity was running out and that would leave the two of them alone with beer or a movie or just the TV, unless Daryl was tired already and just wanted to doze off or finish the book he’d read a third of before he’d abandoned it along with everything else in King County. Rick hadn’t touched the book, but Judith had dragged it along the floor one time when she’d been able to get to it, it had some tearing in the paperback cover, scraped close to the spine on top of the pages when Judith’s drool had weakened the structure and her fingers had managed to break the paper down. Rick had put the book side down on his bookshelf, in a proper height to avoid a similar incident to occur again.

Sophia had opened the terrace door and she had more or less forced Daryl back inside in the same fashion she’d forced him into the kitchen and to his seat. Carol wasn’t far behind them when Rick joined them in the living room.

“Alright, we better get going.” She said, looking to Daryl first a beat too long before she looked down to Sophia to stop her before she could start pouting. Daryl had glared at her when he’d been free to do so and Rick cocked his head in the little confusing communication between the two of them, it had just been for a moment, then Carol was smiling all wide again when she looked over to him.

“We had a great time, really thanks for getting Mr. Grumpy.” She said, ignoring the _shut up_ mouthed under a breath when Daryl swung Sophia up in a carrying hug, walking her over to the hallway, Carol snickering at his annoyance with her while she and Rick trailed after. He’d thought they would have stayed a while, usually they would be between 30 minutes to 2 hours depending, but he guessed that had mainly been after Daryl had left and it was just Rick and her finding comfort in each other.

“Any time, dinner next Friday again?” He asked out of habit. They rarely cancelled and if they had to it was usually because either of them had something unexpected getting in the way, but they would always ask before Carol and Sophia left and always the answer would be yes, always assuming they would be able to have their dinner the next week too.

“Yes.” She said, looking over at Daryl who almost twitched when he realized apparently he was part of the scheduling deal now.

“Mhm, yea.” He added, only a slight bit confused, maybe a little forced to give a yes or no much thanks to Carol who nodded with a satisfied but undefinable twist to her smile, putting her jacket on while Daryl set Sophia down, the girl receiving hers from her mother before she hugged him once and they excused themselves, leaving Daryl standing stiffly in the hallway when the door closed. It was only awkward for a short while, Rick opening his mouth and closing it again before he could even suggest a movie.

“I should get goin’ too.” Daryl had mumbled, reaching for his boots to pull them onto his feet. Rick felt stricken at the announcement, almost reached out before he remembered he shouldn’t, maybe he could but he was quite certain after bumping into Daryl, after the dishes from dinner, that the hug outside of the diner had been a one-time deal and that one had almost ended badly too.

“You’re not staying?” He asked heavily, tone part disappointment, he had expected him to stick around. Sure they weren’t exactly completely back to normal but the evening had gone just fine, Daryl had talked about Merle in the car and he’d always stayed after dinner before, now he wasn’t staying? It didn’t feel right. Daryl didn’t respond right away, his hands working on the laces on his boots slow, almost distractedly before he sharply pulled to tighten the knot and straightened up to look at Rick, one breath, exhale.

“Nah, I’ll come get ye fer t’car tomorrow tho’.” He sounded like he was insisting on it, set on leaving at any cost.

“Oh.. I guess, wouldn’t it be easier if we just go in the morning though?” Rick suggested. It would spare Daryl the drive over and really, he shouldn’t be a stranger to sleeping over at Rick’s even if things where a bit shaky, or perhaps it was the best excuse Rick could offer to keep him around.

“Yea, but I wanna be alone t’night, finish that beer ‘n that.” It didn’t work, Daryl swatted him on the elbow again with his statement and unlike at the diner, it wasn’t pleasant. The swat, he thought, had threatened to send him straight back into the comfortable part of his mind as a reassurance, the swat he realized, served as a distraction and it had worked on him back then. It wasn’t a good thing and Daryl still left.


	19. Carpooling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carpooling is better for the environment, that's apparently what they teach you in school nowadays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus, I think I've actually decided on the following chapters and I just sat down and edited this. I've had some real fun with two chapters coming later (well, depends on fun I guess?), one is going to be long ass and I am not kidding and the other one because of the way I've written it.  
> Note that my cat is an asshole and steals 1 of my 2 hours on weekday mornings by jumping, walking and laying down on my keyboard, but I'll be poking on and off in the coming chapters. For now, I feel a little more alive than I did before and so, I'm posting the next one.  
> Have a great evening <3

“Alright, lessgo’” Well, shit, he’d halfway given up on Daryl coming to pick him up like he’d promised when he had decided to show up right after Rick had taken his shower to wake himself up after spending too long in his bed unable to sleep the night before because he’d gotten abandoned. He’d almost tripped over himself, brain busy logging every spot of dirt on Daryl’s skin in its exhausted state, the sheen of sweat, it had been too much for him to handle, at least his nose hadn’t started bleeding but his dick had jumped in its confines after tossing a “Sure, just a sec.”. He’d quickly swapped his sweats to jeans, but he’d lingered in the bathroom to get his dick to quit it. A dick negotiation wasn’t exactly his idea of sleep deprived morning.

His car had been safe, no real damage, was out of the mud pit accordingly to Daryl, well, the talk helped so he’d of course drifted into the chase of more talking, asking about the dinner but he’d barely gotten a reply from the man. He told himself he would be fine, as long as he didn’t look too much, a normal amount, whatever normal was.

Despite trying to be discreet with his sleep deprived state, to which the shower had helped for a while, the silence booming from a dead dinner topic had it crawling back to him, reminding him that he’d spent the night alone when he’d hoped to have Daryl there because for some reason his brain was naive in the reunion part of the scenario, if not in the bed with him at least on the couch, waking up and drinking coffee together, eating breakfast like they used to. Daryl had asked about the yawns that wouldn’t stop coming of course and he’d said he’d stayed up watching TV, couldn’t much say he’d been hurting and lonely. His way out from Daryl’s perceptive skills was to turn the talking stick over to him and his filthy state, Rick had guessed he’d gone for an early hunt and he had, after his freezers empty state it would probably be a frequent morning routine for him until he had a decent stock again, unless he just went into town and bought meat.

When they got to Daryl’s cabin the mud pit was worse than he thought, he couldn’t believe he’d driven his car right into that, rain and little light sure but it didn’t completely excuse his mistake.

“Gon’ have t’ fill ‘t in with gravel, part o’it.”  He’d said and Rick had shamefully apologized for causing the extra work do to his neglect for what could be called common knowledge, if you lived out here, as a former townie, he hadn’t even thought about it.

“Ain’t yer fault, was dark ‘n too much rain, was t’ weight, ye didn’t drive into ‘t all mud pit already, mabye half pit. Happens” He’d said, almost as if suggesting it was a 50/50 depending on how long it had been raining and how much, along with the original stability with the ground, if it would be able to carry the weight of a car or not. At least it was some comfort, that it could just as likely had been fine for the short time he’d parked there to get Daryl.

The shine from the garage had pulled his attention as he’d glanced around the mud pit, the door standing open and he could just about make out the back side of the bike, along with part of the seat. It looked familiar to the one he knew, yet completely different.

“Nothing like before huh, can I look?” He’d eagerly inched himself closer to the garage, but had waited for Daryl to actually say it was okay to go have a look at it, knowing how brutal the murder scene had looked just outside the garage after Daryl had skipped town, now looking at the probable victim as he spoke.

“Sure.” Was all he had needed before he stopped inching and walked around the mud pit to get a closer look on the bike that had been with Daryl during his travels, it was beautifully restored, had some scrapes sure, shit that happened along the road he guessed, but considering the mess he’d seen, Daryl had probably put everything he had into fixing her.

“I’m not even sure it’s his bike anymore.” And he wasn’t lying, it bore resemblance but it was nothing like Merle’s old, but it was, he’d followed as Daryl guided him to one of the original remaining parts that had his brother’s initials. Rick had looked at it, scribbled unevenly but it was there, the essence of the bike, a part that Rick guessed had been important for Daryl to keep at any cost.

“Kept this part, had t’replace most ‘f it, could save part ‘f t’main frame, took some time but, was worth ‘t.” Rick nodded, he wasn’t sure what he’d meant by saving exactly, Daryl hadn’t gone into too much detail about it but he thought he got the gist of it. He’d leaned to the side and forward, testing how close he could accidently get before Daryl moved away while looking at every angle he could get to from where he stood. He hadn’t ever really been into motorcycles but this resuscitation claimed his focus, she was stunning even with her scrapes, stunning enough for it to catch Rick’s eye for real and he noted the dent in the metal, dragging a finger gently over the scraped paintjob that obviously hadn’t been as important as getting the bike going.

He’d asked about it and Daryl had told him about the piece of stone that had flung into the tank, had just missed Daryl’s arm as which was lucky, it was a deep dip enough to cause damage had it hit him, even if he was wearing a leather jacket. Rick had managed to keep him talking about the bike while he had crouched down to study the side of the frame again, a few guesses on some of the scratches, though he didn’t understand much of the technical talk, Daryl managed to dumb it down for him to follow the explanations, he felt it had been kind of sweet.

“You said you trashed it?” He repeated Daryl’s statement.

“Mhm, was pissed at ‘im, when they called ‘n ye kno’.” Rick could get that, he’d guessed something along those lines, he’d entertained the idea of a Dixon enemy trashing it but it had been far-fetched, a way of revenge against his brother, it did make a lot of sense but people didn’t venture into Dixon land. He’d pushed himself up on his feet, this time he hadn’t tried to test the distance between them, but he felt when Daryl pulled a step away from him. Daryl and violence did fold him like a shield, the death of the bike had served as his grief when he probably felt too much but didn’t know what to do. Then he’d taken him, after Rick and him had been out on that hill, because of what he’d said, he’d fixed the bike to take Merle with him. It made him wonder why Merle had to pass and cause that kind of strain, so, even when he felt himself thinking he shouldn’t, he asked.

“How did it.. happen?” Rick shouldn’t have asked, he knew it the second he’d uttered the words. Daryl had become tense, staring at him, Rick even thought he’d pissed him off by asking from the looks of it, which was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Common, ye got yer car.” Daryl had bit out and Rick could declare he was definitely not happy about Rick asking, after all, he should have learned by now that Merle was a fragile topic, either it would invite or it would exile and when Daryl taken an extra step as Rick had started heading out of the garage, he could safely say that this time it had been exile.

“Sorry, I’ll get out of your way, but you know you’re welcome to come over if you want, could watch a movie? Carl has this new one he won’t stop talking about, we’re probably going to watch it next week.” He didn’t think Daryl would take the offer, but he really was sorry, he’d wanted to know what had happened, he should just have waited until Daryl had chosen to talk about it, or waited for a better moment to ask, if he could mend mistake even a little, he would try, fucking big foot of his being a perfect fit for his mouth.

“Nah, got ‘nough hangin’ around, supposed t’ go over t’ Carol’s ‘n all. Sophia had m’promise.” Rick felt some relief that Daryl’s posture relaxed some more, his tone easing down from aggressive to passive, on the other hand Rick felt his heart sinking in his chest. Daryl had always had a limited time set to spend with others and his reasons now had been better than any other, but Rick had hoped he’d still be able to be part of that limited time, but he hadn’t been included, so he held it together when he nodded and smiled before he said bye.

* * *

 

Right shit, he should have apologized better, not just a simple sorry and rolling into the kick like a damn happy piñata. He had planned to, after initially feeling bad during the entire ride home while managing to refrain himself from stopping at the convenience store to indulge the lurking monster hibernating deep down. The phone sitting idly in the palm of his hand, at the passenger seat, on the kitchen table, everywhere close by and ready with drafts that never got sent. Every time he’d almost settled for a text he thought it would be better if he called, then whenever he almost hit the button he changed his mind back to a text. On occasion, in his free alone time before the kids got home, which was roughly a few too many hours of obsessing about one simple apology for asking out of place, he even thought he should be doing it in person. Reasonably he could have spent his free time better. But he had overstepped, his damn head had warned him and he’d gone ahead and fucked himself twice over yet again, well okay, it wasn’t that bad, Daryl hadn’t furthered on his sizzling annoyance, it had seeped dead before it could catch fire to the leaking fuel and that’s probably why it made things even more difficult. On one hand Rick felt bad enough to force the apology, but on the other the whole situation was loosely adrift, even if he did apologize properly for genuinely wanting to know and feeling the topic was proceeding into accepted, it could just make matters worse.

So nothing. He’d been damn close though, when Rick and Carl had been preparing the popcorn in the middle of the coming week, the phone had rested between his fingers and he’d thought maybe, maybe if he did call or send a text, shit he didn’t even have to apologize, he could still be met with a changed mind. Chances were Daryl didn’t even want one and Rick had to admit, the further away from his Saturday question of the year, the less he felt like the situation all together required one. He’d still want to do it though, on a personal basis, because he thought he owed Daryl that but the way the anger had seeped dead after Rick had stepped back, then it almost didn’t seem like it was the type of mistake that needed a proper _sorry_. He never tried though, he may yes, be met with a changed mind but the opposite was just as likely and in the end, he didn’t want to find out.

So he, Carl and Judith had sat down on the couch with soda and a large bowl of popcorn. Not that Judith watched a lot of the movie, frowning away from the screen when these black clothed ninjas snuck into the darkness and disappeared, she was obviously not a fan. But then again it was a far step from colorful cartoons to something resembling her father and brother merging with black darkness and not being able to comprehend due to her young mind, he hadn’t exactly expected her to watch it anyway but he did appreciate her curling up on his chest, enough so that he didn’t exactly walk her off to her crib once she’d started dozing off. Okay, so he was a little selfish, soaking in some comfort from her light snores while Carl had lowered the volume and at the end of it all, once the movie was done Rick realized he hadn’t obsessed about his phone, so that was a win.

At work Tara was giving Rick all the non-detailed details regarding her first date, to which Denise had asked her on, let it not be forgotten that Denise asked Tara, then she told him about the second date that had upped the stakes slightly from a simple dinner and sodas, to a simple dinner and a few beers. Now, Rick and Denise hadn’t been much of anything close to friends, mainly work related communication or the occasional office joke, but that had changed. She was more open with him on subjects and Rick found himself passing by the reception for small chats, enjoying it too, hell it was nice to get a break from the other officers. Now he may have involved himself a little, but in the end he’d never pushed anything, he’d just risked Tara’s ass by ratting her out.

Ah well, Tara was happy, yapping in his ear every patrol, she wasn’t all about personal business , she was talking about rankings and how she was interested in special training at some point as well, but thought it could just be a phase so she’d give it a long thought before she actually decided. As much as he liked to let his brain numb from her strangely addicting gossip, he preferred when the limit was controlled, a few too many times he felt himself being pulled into her hemisphere, ready to spill something on his own and wow was that scary. Maybe he was getting sentimental, her secondary coming would mean the end of their partnership and she’d continue on with Morgan, he’d miss her, he wasn’t going to deny that, as well as he wasn’t going to deny he was quite excited to partner up with Shane again. She’d done good for a rookie, had barley given him any troubles other than drool pits whenever her eyes had strayed on sweets, and yes, by now Rick knew Denise was included with the word “sweets”. Besides, it wasn’t like they wouldn’t work together again, there would still be people changing shifts, happened all the time.

Then he had to tell Shane that no, he hadn’t forgotten about her secondary and then throw a theatrical roll of eyes in his direction when Shane’s obvious big brown eyes, didn’t believe him for one bit. Okay so fine, when it came to celebrations on personal days or gifts in general, he may be a bit sloppy, may be a bit of a time optimistic. But it has how it always had been, his mother had been the same, she got all the blame for that trait. She became a whirlwind of control turned upside down, breezing it through and then when the date was coming up she realized she’d not gotten a single thing. He remembered his dad would be denied when he’d offer to help her, she’d nick her head high and said she had it, although she was a poor organizer she always wanted to be a good one, aspired to be one. Then when shit hit the fan he’d hug her, she’d be stubborn for a while but ultimately she’d smile at him while he counted her a list of what she needed and where she could buy them. Now the amazing thing about his dad had been that he would still let her try and make it every time, he’d follow along and put mental notes if she ever talked out loud without noticing it, flavors, colors and what not, he’d memorize it and when the time came when she needed the list, he’d already picked the places from what hours they were open and what gave them the best route.

It wasn’t perfect, ever, his mother wished for it but in the end, she was always happy despite the chaos. Besides, Rick was too, he was fond of that memory of his parents, how they had that kind of agreement that in a way was their thing in their marriage, that they could always count on that even if they had fought about something stupid the night before, because yes, Rick was past thirty but he refused to believe his parents ever fought about something straining in their relationship. He knew they must have, but he refused to believe it, happy denial and all of that.

Shane on the other hand, well Rick gave him enough reason to never ever trust him when he promised that he had it under control, despite that Shane always did remind Rick, or at least he tried to, he wasn’t always remembering all the dates because they weren’t completely his, but he was quite the beast when it came to Carl’s birthday, soon he’d probably be about Judith’s too and Rick would have to watch his ass. He’d said at one point, that at least the kid was easy, even if Rick was last minute he could grab a comic book and that in the end, it didn’t matter, the kid would be happy anyway because Rick’s mother may have had his father saving her, but she’d always have those stray thoughts, something she just saw and picked up on her way home and that Rick was pretty much the same, the constant active part of his brain that thought of his kids, that was what mattered. Rick had blushed at that, shit it was so embarrassing that Shane got embarrassed and grew just as red. They compensated by throwing themselves into the manliest topics they could think of for three days after that. Now he just needed to stay on his feet and take his friends suggestion, no lazing around.

 

Then Tara had huffed at him after one too many pulls of his phone during his insistency throughout the week of _to apologize or not apologize_ , stating that if he had anyone he wanted to call he should just do so and Rick had made some lame excuse about waiting to get a text from his son on when his extra soccer practice would end so he could pick him up. It was.. far from the truth of course, he knew damn well when his son’s classes ended and there was really no such thing as a sudden additional soccer practice announced that conveniently didn’t have a start or end hour to it.

If Tara saw right through him though, he wasn’t sure, okay she definitely did but he wasn’t questioning. He had enough of himself to deal with, trying to suppress a sense of disappointment every time he’d almost gone for it and realized he’d half expected to see a missed call or a text on the screen in pure luck or change of events. He should know better, damn officer of the law and a grown man, enough heartache that had settled through months and yet, he was clearly dragging himself down into the pit again. It wasn’t even like the man liked phones, Daryl probably hated texting, he’d never actually confirmed it but there was no way it wasn’t true and phone calls well, they were of necessity only. So he should have known that his half assed expectations were as screwed as the game that was unfortunate enough to be caught in Daryl’s sight, he shouldn’t be digging himself down into the dirt again opting to ice cream and he wasn’t going to.

It was an endless circle until Tara had cleared her throat after one too many glances at his phone, the singular move of his hand reaching for it only to put it back because the made up “soccer practice session hours” hadn’t come through yet, was probably annoying her. _Boss, we may be small town but I need your head in the game to keep mine._ And she’d been right, the worst of it all was that Rick had a short flash of Carol as he sat with her in the squad car, because he for one short second considered opening his mouth and spilling the truth to her. Not everything, just, that he was a little frustrated around a particular situation he’d been shoved into or chosen to jump into, he wasn’t about to admit it was probably leaning more toward the latter. In the end he never did, the moment remained for just that short flash before Tara filtered through again, she may have sounded exactly like Carol but in the end she wasn’t and he was there to teach her and not the other way around. So he set himself to do exactly that, get his head in the game, forcefully stealing his focus back. It was closer to who he was before all of it, used to being in control of himself, all the way until he’d become involved with a redneck out of nowhere, gotten twisted smack into the middle of it and ended up engrossed in the blossoming relationship that followed once the pure bred hostility and lack of trust had been one hell of a shit storm to work through. That had made his self control dance with impulsiveness more times than not, like Daryl had a way of wrecking him like no one before, completely reserved for him and it wasn’t all that strange, although Rick refused to use the ugly phrase of _love makes one stupid_. But it did make Rick Grimes fuck up, because when it came to Daryl, his self control was wavering between useful and damn near fucking unreliable.

Rick never did text Daryl that week after Tara had pulled him back to the truth of his inner voice of _too soon_ , nor had he managed to remember to keep ahead of schedule like Shane had suggested, completely distracted by the may or may not text:ing, kids, his job and attempting to nail a new casserole recipe that turned out like a majestic disaster, half crisped burnt on the top and patchfully black spotted as to rub it in. The taste was.. edible, but definitely wrong, even for someone who spent years investigating clues before King County on a daily basis, he never bothered to solve the mystery of the casserole, thought he would just pass it off and ask Carol for her superior cooking knowledge.

He’d never stopped fucking wavering on and off about the stupid apology until he felt silly about it, so there he’d been, watching the familiar frame of the pickup truck come rolling down the road while he could simply smile with another excuse on his lips and wave his hand.

Now Rick had wondered how it could have taken him so long to figure something so easy out, standing there as the truck slowed down when Daryl did notice him waving lightly for his attention. No text, no phone, no invading properties, just stopping at that abandoned rest stop they’d eaten Chinese at and sure, he had waited 40 minutes and he’d have to chunk a few extra bills into Beth’s pay, but this way? Felt natural. So damn easy, made sense.

“What.” Daryl’s voice rasped from the window, already rolled down and open through the Georgia summer season, being Dixon land it parked on for the evening on top of that, Rick didn’t think he ever rolled them up as a precaution, hell even the stereo was broken so what was there to steal, a few smoked out butts?  But hey, it seemed to be working, Daryl hadn’t spit him in the face and after questioning what Rick wanted as if he was annoyed, he evidently wasn’t when the door opened and he got out. He could smoke in his car, Rick knew he did whenever he was riding alone and yet, he only grabbed his pack after he’d leant his body against the beat down frame of the truck.

“Didn’t want to bother you at the cabin, thought you know, just.. sorry for asking too much last time, I never knew him.” Rick watched the words enter, then process slowly through Daryl’s head, eyes squinting like he suspected Rick for treachery. It was actually kind of cute, because Rick knew exactly how his features would pull when he came to the conclusion that there was not catch to it, same conclusion over and over. Rick sat his bum down on the hood of his car, waited patiently and then, with a twitch Daryl turned his head away and pull three quick but deep drags.

“’s okay, I didn’t stop ye, shouldn’t have gotten annoyed, yer one ‘f t’few who gave some shit about ‘im despite his.. less charmin’ personality.” He sincerely replied, Rick swore he could see some red tinted on his cheeks but would damn well turn that not-blush into a fist if he was careless.

“It feels weird because I remember all he ever did to me was annoy my ass ‘cus of his loud mouth at the station, but I kind of wished I could have known him a little better.” Rick had strayed himself, kept watch on the road instead because in a way, he just couldn’t, didn’t want to put any pressure just words mixing in the air between them. Then Daryl snorted at him and Rick had to look, the man looked partly grateful for the words, but he also thought that Rick was an idiot. He was, Rick smiled sheepishly, for Daryl he’d be an idiot any day any time.

“Don’t. Ye’d be ‘t eachother’s throat all damn day long. Would’ve been a pain.” Daryl told him and yeah, although that was pretty much it, that was the shallowest layer to be said, light tone and everything.

“Highly likely, but he’d also come around, I am a strong believer in humans.” Rick added with good sarcastic humor. Merle would have come around, he’d bitch until Daryl got tired of hearing it and Daryl would ask him to give it a fucking rest and there would be the fine fact that Merle did put his brother before himself, if he thought they were good for him Merle would allow it. At least that’s what Rick thought.

“Sure as shit he would.” Daryl pulled another drag, small huff of a laugh at Rick’s suggestion but it was hiding beneath it, that Rick was at least some percentage right about it.

“You said you always talked about moving but you never did?” If they had, maybe things would have been different for them, Rick couldn’t help but think about it. He’d said it before, almost as if it had been a long lost longing, a promise that had never come true. In a way, if things had been different, better, he wished they would have moved at some point, but he also feel that greedy string being pulled, the one that was happy that they never had, that had allowed him to meet the man and gain the friendship he had with Carol.

“m’yeh, shit ‘r not ‘s home.” Daryl spoke slowly, sucking on his smoke after and seeming to fall into consideration regarding the words. Rick didn’t doubt he’d meant them, he’d had this warm twist on the word home that settled deep into the gut enough that there was no way he was nothing but honest.  But his eyes hooded over, absently inhaling the smoke down into his lungs right next to Rick, like something else regarding the sentence made a difference and Rick had to think that maybe, with Merle being gone now, the only reason Daryl used to have to _home_ , wasn’t rooted there permanently anymore. Rick dreaded that thought.

“It is, isn’t it. I thought I’d be crazy for moving back here after Judith’s birth, everything was so chaotic, I was still recovering after the shooting and Lori she was.. empty, in the end I couldn’t possibly work the hours I was pulling before the coma and with Judith on my own, Atlanta got overwhelming. But when I passed the welcome sign here, I knew it was the right choice, it doesn’t exactly count as a fresh start since I used to live here as a kid, but I could breathe again.”

“Lori came with me, to be close to Carl. I think she needed it as much as I did and she knew in her head that Judith was hers, she just couldn’t feel it. We didn’t know if she’d bounce back from it, but she did and now I am not even sure why I am saying all this when you’re looking at me like that.” Daryl was indeed looking, neck a little crooked, eyes attentive firmly attached on Rick and questioning in a way Rick couldn’t figure out.

“Ye were ‘n t’ fuckin’ coma ‘cus ye got fuckin' shot? Two kid’s ‘n yer own ‘n ye had t' deal with Merle ‘n I was bein’ a pain in t’ass while ye had a fuckin’ hole in yer stomach. Fucking hell Grimes.”  Okay either he was pissed or he was well, less pissed, at least the one thing Rick did know for sure was that the man had waited patiently for Rick to shut up before he finally spat the words at him and yeh okay, who was he kidding, Daryl was pissed in one way or another.

“What, didn’t you ever wonder why I flew like a glove when you hit me in the face?” Rick smiled wide trying to fight pissyness with humor, he’d been damn skinny his first month back. He wouldn’t admit he’d gained some of his weight back already when the punch happened, but he did enjoy the hard glare he got in return, it was obviously bothering Daryl even if it was oh so many months ago. The man felt bad, at least that’s what Rick thought, if he knew Daryl enough then yeah, that was his bet.

“Alright fine, not funny. But I swear I was a lot better already when I first met Carol and still, a little funny?” Rick admitted, then tried again, he even measured the tiny little strip of air between his fingers to find a good amount to which Daryl could agree to. All he got was Daryl’s eyes squinting closer together, a twitch to his mouth like he just held back something sinfully foul in honor of his remembered _“good manners”_ he apparently possessed, spat on the ground instead and killed the cigarette with his boot after tossing it in the puddle of fresh spit, leaning right back again.

“It’s going to have to be funny at some point.” Rick suggested and yeah, Daryl rolled his eyes at him. Well it would, Daryl didn’t have a choice in that unless he skipped town again to get away from potential humor.

“Jus’ shut up.” Or he could ask Rick to shut up, like he always did when he thought Rick was being silly, stupid, at least that was what he thought it sounded like. It was rare that Daryl told him to shut up in a manner of anger, where the phrase would usually be used with a lit fuse, but when Daryl said it, it always held a positive twist to it. He was winning him over on this one.

“Right, well, I should have apologized sooner but I am here today and I’m closing in to overstaying my welcome, so, see you tomorrow then?” Rick actually thought he was playing it smooth this time and for now he’d quit while he was ahead. Daryl swayed back a step when Rick had pushed up from the hood of his car, as natural to the first twitch in Rick’s nervous system he’d moved on instinct when thoughts trampled the sense of reality, like he could actually see the twitch which was stupid.

“Mmhm, ain’t nothin’ comin’ up yet so’s I guess.” Right, focus on that, not on the fact that it fucking hurts that it’s obvious pure instinct to keep the distance. It had been a good day, Daryl had told him to shut up, Rick had been able to tease him and get some revenge from their shared car ride and Daryl was definitely not thinking about any broken strings to his version of home.  That dead mask of indifference that had shaded his face was gone, looking sour like his normal self with a notch of a tiny smile to expose that his mood was somewhat good, that’s all Rick would have asked for, it’s the only reason why he started blabbering about King County and how it was still his home when he got back himself.

“I think Carol was talking about some peach dessert, pretty sure you don’t want to miss it.” He enforced, moving back to the driver door, listening to Daryl’s “whatever” but knowing he was interested in this peach mystery Carol was bringing. He wasn’t exactly a sweet tooth, Rick wouldn’t say that, he himself wasn’t one either, it’s why Carol’s cooking and baking was as precious to them as it was, hers were never dripping with sugar and the sweetness was always light and just perfect. Rick raised his hand in a quick wave as they got into their own vehicles.

* * *

 

Then his weekend sort of just flew by without Rick standing a chance on keeping up with it. Shit, after his short meeting he’d even advised himself to keep it even more leveled during the dinners. So he had, of course he wouldn’t simply pass on the dishes but as for the rest of it, he’d simply just been around making light conversation. He did learn that, the more distance he allowed himself to maintain in respect of Daryl’s need for it, the more hurt his heart would hammer and remind him every beat that he was still very much on the hook for the man. Maybe he was starting to accept that this was the way things would be, slow and agonizing, stable but rattled and in constant vibration. He’d been there before, the only difference now was the matter of the feelings he’d realized he had but he knew how it worked.

Well, in a way it was all for the better. He wouldn’t want to fester the wound before it even got a chance to heal by sticking fingers into it and then, the difficult part came, because he couldn’t just slap on gauze and let it sit, it needed to be tended to. He thought he’d found a decent balance, though he despised being apart yet together, he could still manage, fueled on by knowing, having seen that there was still some things that could linger damn close to what they used to be and if anything, he needed to have that around, shit he’d probably even kill to keep it. So he’d hold on tooth and nail, it wasn’t some kind of shitty clarity, it was simply what was required. Well, that had been the plan, Daryl would have left once again and this time, Rick wouldn’t have asked him to stay, only that part of his determined scenario never got to play out.

 “You’re still good with watching Sophia tomorrow?” Carol had asked over the sink as she was rinsing their empty bottles and they were rounding the evening up for their third week.

“Mmhm, will be done twice ‘s fast. Right?” Daryl replied, poking his elbow at Sophia.

“Stop.” She complained, wide half embarrassed smile betraying her while she used both hands flat on Daryl’s lower arm to push his teasing away. She met some resistance, Daryl settling his weight down before theatrically losing, tilting his body back at the final push before holding his hands up in defeat.

“See, ‘s what I’m talkin’bout , them tiles won’t stand a chance.” He watched the kid as she rolled her eyes at him, close in age as Carl and developing her own sense of self didn’t seem to stop her from thinking this kind of interaction was silly or that she was too old for it, which no doubt Carl would have if Rick had tried it and someone had seen them. God forbid.

“You remodeling?” He asked, pushing the bowl of chips closer to them as Daryl reached for it, grabbing himself a handful.

“T’ old man had some leftovers, jus’ got t’proofin’ sheets up in t’bathroom. Been catchin’ up t’maintenance.” He replied, crunching a couple of slices instead of shoving the entire batch into his mouth. Rick thought back to the bathroom he’d been in months ago, didn’t think there had been much wrong with it, looking fresh enough and he glanced over at Carol’s waiting eyes as she shrugged knowingly. Right, then it was most likely a matter of keeping himself busy if Rick had to guess from Carol’s discreet response.

“Rick could help if you need more hands you know, you talked about the exterior too.” Carol suggested, turning the water off and placing the bottles on the countertop closer to the wall, ever the thorough cleaner that she was. It was a good thing that they had already finished the beers he guessed, otherwise the perfect moment to uncontrollably spit the content out like a cartoon would have been there, at the sudden suggestion. He would have thought the decline would have come right away, if he could judge from the wince that got controlled and shoved away one second after Rick had glanced over at Daryl, close enough that Rick almost missed it, he was obviously uncomfortable with the idea and Rick, though sad to say it, wouldn’t have guessed otherwise.

“Yeah Rick could help out too.” Sophia had said and there never came a no. Although Daryl seemed conflicted, as close to saying it as he wanted to by the looks of it, if Sophia wanted something he was likely to give it.

“No sweetheart, I’m sure Rick ain’t gonna want t’spend t’day doin’ chores ‘n t’sweltering heat.” He tried after finding himself a way to put it gently, sounding quite convincing by the way Sophia wrinkled her nose in disappointment, but looking like he’d just stepped in a knee deep puddle on a day that was bad already which made you just wanted to say fuck it and lay down in defeat, flopping limbs because what was the point. Sophia’s opinion made a big enough difference that it actually looked like he just wouldn’t be able to say a flat and final no in the end.

“Oh his weekends are boring anyway, I’d know since, well I’m Carol, he’d love to come.” Daryl’s face grew stiff, eyes glaring at Rick when he hadn’t even had a part in the issue from the get go but, there never came an actual no and Carol didn’t waste a second on their behalf. Rick could only hope the man knew he was innocent, because shit, Carol had so smoothly brought the topic along, Rick himself hadn’t even thought she’d force him an invitation. But she had a point, his weekends were boring, he’d been thinking of asking Shane and Lori if they wanted to take the kids bowling with him and he knew all fair and well that the only reason he could do that was because they were on good terms, no ugly divorce and custody hiccups that limited him to his and her weekends, thank god.

“Great, it’s settled then, Rick can pick Sophia up on his way and you’ll keep an eye on them right?” She voiced, looking all too pleased to herself while directing her attention to Sophia. Rick wanted to sink into the floor and make nice with some splinters, maybe find a hollowed bed of concrete foundation that fit him just right because who knew, could be nice warm and cozy, somewhere to live forever. Because shit, didn’t that excite him and yet he felt bad for Daryl getting his conscience played against him like the weakness it was, Rick could have fought it for his sake, but he hadn’t.

“Yeah mom.” She said happily and Rick relished in the change from a glare in his direction to a softening look of mutual understanding, between him and Daryl that it was alright, it was fine, he’d be fine for Sophia.

“Wonderful, can always count on my girl. But we should get going, one beer was enough for me, thank you for a wonderful dinner.” Carol continued

“Hey you cooked it, we should be thanking you.” Rick emphasized his thank you to her, because he really meant it and she was saving him a lot more than he deserved.

“You’re right, I just wanted to hear you say it.” And Rick guessed he had said it, Carol may have opened the topic, in a way she had _cooked_ it and forced him from his idle cocoon. Carol smiled widely at him, this whole juggling a decent balance without him putting a stick in his own wheel all the time was a damn tricky business and he knew that as soon as he thought he’d gotten even the slightest hang of it, he’d end up dead wrong, maybe, stick – wheel, at least Carol was helping him out when it came to taking something for his own when he’d cowered down from doing so. The difficult part was to not get in their way, she may be helping him and he would never be able to repay her enough, but he also needed to make sure he knew where to draw the line for her sake as well, to not let her sacrifice too much for him as, he guessed, he did for her.

They were putting their shoes on, pooled together into the hallway with rustling of keys, phones and wallets to make sure everyone had everything with them. Rick had taken his place next to the wall, shoulder leaning onto it before the mandatory hugging session, glancing over at Daryl as he’d just reached for his shoes after the ladies were done to give him access to them.

“You could stay you know and you can all drive over to your cabin tomorrow.” She suggested, not that Rick could call a suggestion, but more so than anything else they’d passed between them lately. There was something Rick was missing, something just between them but Daryl would never tell him and well, Carol wouldn’t either.

 “Nah I shouldn’t.” He softly declined while Rick bent down to hug Sophia.

“It’s not actually a bad idea, last time I checked you and that couch of Rick’s really got along too, god knows you could use the rest, you’d only be tinkering with stuff when you get home every evening.” Carol held on, next in line to hug Rick, adding a peck on his cheek before stepping back, everyone giving it a moment to get the final decision in.

“Got new pillows, sheets and everything.” Rick added as an additional bribe, a promise of heavenly rest with a brand new memory foam ergonomic bliss to rest you head on, cocking his head when Daryl’s eyes almost rolled at him, simply saying _shut up_. Right, well maybe he was catching a little fever called greed again after Carol had scored him a day at the Dixon cabin. Besides, they were good weren’t they? Better than the shaky diner, wasn’t all blown past, weariness that lingered and slightly broke Rick’s heartstrings with rusty scissors but.. better.

“Would want t’old ones.” Daryl stubbornly replied, momentarily repulsed by the new and fancy that was too “ _rich folk”_ for him by the looks of it. It was just a pillow and sheets though, had been on sale so Rick had grabbed the chance when he could. He guessed they were a bit flashier than he was used to, but far from the most luxurious ones.

“Didn’t throw them out, so staying then?” Rick could tell it wasn’t the way Daryl had wanted his response to go, mouth half opening before closing again when he’d found himself lacking a snappy response in his half assed attempt to decline as if he couldn’t just say no. Rick had to assume that part of him wasn’t against the idea then, otherwise he wouldn’t have a problem in stating his choice straight out.

“Carpooling is better for the environment.” Sophia added, tugging at Daryl’s hand.

“Oh please, this ‘s what they teach ye at school? Then ya’ll should sleep over, one big ‘n happy pajama party.” He sarcastically drawled as he’d crouched down to hug the girl.

“Don’t be silly.” She sternly replied, holding off on her hug until he muttered a _fine, sorry_ under his breath, which she made him repeat loud enough for her to hear it clearly before she wrapped her arms around his larger frame and squeezed once with the tiny arms. Rick had glanced at Carol to find her proudly grinning, could have sworn she mouthed a silent _atta’girl_ in their direction while they were distracted and after the short hug had been completed Carol was right back to normal.

“Fine.” He finished and Rick felt his stomach flip, folding his arms across his chest to constrict the surge of happiness finding its way through him at the little development.

 It was the small progress that could be so rewarding, he knew he had screwed up partly in their reunion, letting himself be steered away and distracted by elusive behavior, immediately shut down when he did try, put off in confusion because of it and with the results in hand feeling like he lost the opportunity he had to resolve his questions and wondering, now stuck and unable to find openings that wouldn’t self destruct. It was hell in a way, having to start from scratch with shaky ground beneath the feet, but not all had been screwed up. The Peletier’s were settling, solidifying the connection they easily fell back into from the sound of Carol when she had openly accused Daryl of making her daughter fat the from spoiling her with milkshakes and pastries. He could see it in them, when they interacted or spoke to each other, that exhale of relief spreading smiles that told of happiness and Rick, he rejoiced in the presence of those. That much was evident in the hallway and that on its own, made it worth the trouble.

“You’re staying right? You didn’t just tell them you would to get them off your back did you?” He asked after Sophia and Carol had left, leaving the two of them in the hallway, Daryl glancing at the door before he looked back at Rick, willing the tension and stiffness from his own shoulders that had built up the second the door had closed behind them, visibly in front of him before Daryl shook his head.

“Should have jus’ taken t’bike.” He complained, breathing slowly in then pushing the breath out through his nose quietly.

“Why didn’t you?” He asked, chuckling at Daryl’s self proclaimed pain of being swayed to their wishes.

“Ass ‘s all barky ‘fter t’trip even ‘fter all ‘em weeks, ‘s a comfy bike but yeh, jus’ set me up ‘n t’couch.” He said slowly without moving an inch from the hallway, waiting until Rick did before he followed after at his own reasonable distance. Rick didn’t say anything, but he thought Daryl had damn near been reconsidering the decision.

“Good.” Rick shuffled through the spares, bringing them over to the living room, picking the old pillow up from the chair it had laid on for the last few months except the two times Rick had washed it. He handed the pillow and the casing over to Daryl for him to pull it on while Rick stuck the sheet to the cushions, spreading the fresh smell of fabric softener around them. Daryl had trudged the casing over the pillow, looking more and more relaxed until it was fully on and he plopped the pillow on its usual end of the sofa.

* * *

 

It had been a long time since he and Daryl had last sat outside just the two of them with only the buzzing late evening traffic cooing in harmony with the sizzle of Daryl’s smoke. He was in _his seat,_ he always picked that chair, possibly because the gate was closer so in case he needed to bolt he’d skip over it or, if he’d needed to escape inside he could easily access the door, or block it, well whatever, that was _the_ chair. Rick sat on the other one, further away, one small round table between them as the man reached for the ashtray, hooked a finger into the dirty edge and pulled it five inches closer to the edge on his own side.

He hadn’t exactly asked if he was welcome to join, far too greedy and driven by the flutter in his heart that lingered since Daryl had agreed to stay over thanks to Carol. She’d been sly, but it had worked even if the man was still stiff as a stick while attempting to look relaxed, now it was up to Rick to keep his tongue in check no matter how badly he remembered what had happened last time he’d agreed to _later_ and there hadn’t been one. It left his stomach disturbed, happy and nervous, eager and still worried but the mood between them was finally starting to settle again, comfortably easy, slowly repairing and looking familiar. He could walk on the ice, but it was shallow and fickle, could break at any moment with the wrong step and god knows Rick had plunged through enough times he should be wearing a championship belt for it.

“Last time we sat like this out here I blurted something stupid and you told me about Merle.” He said, pausing silently for a beat of his heart, pulling a light breath into his lungs, feeling Daryl’s attention resting on him from the side of a glance rather than either of them looking at the other. All the months later and they were right back to the familiar scene, just with added distance and no fuming post-orgasm lull to the brain and in all honesty, Rick knew he rejoiced in being there, but he just couldn’t be sure whether he was uncomfortable or if it was pleasant, in a twisted way it was all huddled together in his stomach, like everything was at stake and it wouldn’t take much at all to throw everything Carol had created away.

“I see ye never picked up ‘n that hobby.” Daryl intercepted.  Rick wasn’t sure what he was talking about at first, until he was, flagging red all over his cheeks and neck, clearing his throat and turning his face away. At least he didn’t have to wonder anymore, he decided it was uncomfortable enough to make him squirm but there was a whole new reason for that.

“I never..” He started but he honestly didn’t know how to continue, he shouldn’t even have had to explain himself from the get go, besides, shit, Daryl huffed at him, pulled a long drag that sizzled in an amused way. Rick didn’t think it should be possible to gauge a mood through the way one pulled a drag but fucking hell, that sizzle was the sound of someone enjoying the embarrassment of someone else.

“Please just forget I ever asked you that, I thought that was for granted when we had this conversation the first time.” God damn, it was the way the sound was flowing unevenly, like some damn internal laugh was mixing in with the intake of breath that surged the burn of the paper and tobacco, making the sizzle stutter ever so lightly. It wasn’t stopping either.

“Mhm, ‘t wasn’t.” He continued while Rick bent forward to groan into crossed arms, muffling the suffering and pain he was so clearly in. Right, he’d never live that down, but he’d take it, he was embarrassed as fuck, wished he’d never said it way back when but he couldn’t stop the smile that so widely threatened to break his face, happily hiding it in his arms. This was the worst kind of good.

“You’re an ass, I forgot about that.” Rick mumbled through his smile, trying to sound as sarcastically annoyed as possible to show his good humor while hiding how much he was enjoying it. Sure he’d still have no idea when he’d fuck up the next time, but the teasing in the car, the way they could still talk properly at the rest stop, the dishes, that had to count for something?

“Ain’t denyin’ that.” He was, except he wasn’t at the same time. Rick could hear it, that small attachment of honesty that was stuck to Daryl’s tone, the admittance to his flaws yet he only ever put himself down instead of trying to make up for them, as if it wasn’t worth the trouble, as if it wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else in the end.

“You should.” Rick suggested, kept his head down, kept himself small, god knows if he had sat up straight and looked the man in the eye he’d been out the door already, Rick could just feel it. Or.. it could have been just what had been needed, sometimes those moments weren’t overlooked, sometimes Daryl caved to them, almost needing them. But Rick was glad he’d played it safe when he heard the cigarette being crushed to death in the ash tray, this time wouldn’t have been one of those that he’d gotten away with.

“Alright, let’s get some sleep.” But at least Daryl stayed.

 


	20. Saturday Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Saturday comes around, Rick is in for the promised day that Carol managed to grab him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh what is this, I noticed I had this halfway edited already so I thought, why not since I managed to wrap up the ending of this chapter. If there are any strange numbers or letters, it may have been my cat, who was assisting me while I edited this, (I think I managed to remove them all, damn mechanical keyboard) that left them there. I doubt the next chapter will come as soon as this one, but I wanted to give you who follow this story, this next chapter already since the flow felt good enough. So a little treat in my usually busy times.

He’d been stupid, thinking it was a good idea, being all excited that Daryl would be sleeping over his apartment again, all giddy teenager vibes oozing from him even if he knew it was only that, sleeping on his couch and nothing more. It had been stupid, because Rick hadn’t been able to sleep much. Having Daryl on the couch was worse than not having him around at all, he should have known, how fucking stupid it was to put himself through the torture, two weeks of slow progress mixed with the constant convincing of himself to give it time when he just wanted to speed things on, was slowly fucking his brain backwards into the stage of retardation because he’d been promised one day together.

His eyes were sore as he put two extra measures into the filter then he looked at the spoon before he added a third, he’d need it, but right, three was a bit much. He put the scoop down into the filter and retracted one, two was good enough for his sleep deprived brain who’d spent the night reacting to every light snore that had traveled into his bedroom. Rick had left the door ajar just to hear it, needed to listen to it and had to stop himself from sneaking out of bed multiple to confirm he wasn’t just making up the sounds, like some creepy stalker. In the morning he’d seen the tip of Daryl’s tan elbow sticking out from the end of the couch, arm most likely propped in what surely had to look like an uncomfortable angle, but there was a limb and that meant he was still there and all the minutes of light snores he’d counted had been very much real.

Rick only just stopped himself from cursing out loud when the sound of his phone started ringing from his bedroom and claimed that lulled silence that had synced with the coffee machine perfectly in a mulled glurgy hypnosis. It wasn’t as good of a match, the ring tone and the volume of it, thought maybe he should have put it to vibrate but it was an easy thought to have after it was making noise through the entire apartment. Abandoning the pot and the two mugs he’d plucked from the cabinet, he peaked over to the couch now missing the elbow while he set off to hunt his phone down. Lori’s name was on the screen when he got to it, snatching the device from the night stand, unplugging the charger before he picked up.

He greeted her while stifling a yawn to force himself some focus on the her in case it was something urgent since she’d called, normally she would just send a text if she had any questions which had him think, asking her to hold on after she’d greeted him back in her normal tone and nothing hysterical. He moved the phone from his ear and tapped the home icon, right he had two texts from her, he just hadn’t noticed them despite being wide awake for at least an hour. He put the phone back to his ear, quickly apologizing for not reading the texts yet and let her continue.

“So Carl is asking if he can come hang out with Sophia today?” He asked as he left his bedroom, the backside of a messy mop with a clear wild tuft facing an unnatural angle had poked up from the couch, hand shoved into the mess, sleepily scratching at the scalp. Rick wasn’t too surprised, if it hadn’t been the phone Daryl had probably been woken up by Rick in the kitchen already, but he liked the idea that he’d still been snoozing. Lori continued on in his ear while Daryl turned his head, eyes falling upon Rick, eyebrows sunken together in a half assed frown riddled and Rick shrugged lightly, cocking his head to the side questioningly, taking for granted that Daryl’s ears were peaked as always and already knew what was going on.

“It’s your weekend, I think he’ll understand if you explain you want to spend time with him.” He continued absently, still waiting for any kind of affirmation on Daryl’s end as he was thinking things through. His eyes to the kitchen to catch the progress state of the pot.

“You don’t have to feel bad for saying no Lori. We’re parents, we’re not interesting anymore, it’s going to happen to Judy too when she gets older. “ He paused, attention pulled by Daryl standing up from the couch, stretching his arms straight up, real slow, like a new woken cat and Rick swore he could see the limbs grow an inch longer from the work of loosening muscles. But then again, Rick wasn’t looking, or he decided he wasn’t looking like _that_.

“You know we’ve never had to be strict about the scheduled times, how about us letting Carl be more involved in what days and where he should be? We’ll plan around what comes around alright?” He suggested. They weren’t like bitter divorced ex partners, they had a good kid and really, if Rick wanted to go to the movies with his son on a weekend he should be able to, same if Lori had something on her own, it really shouldn’t have to be regulated and Carl was old enough to give his own opinions. He repeated the discreet question once more, mouthing a silent _Carl?_ in Daryl’s direction and got a shrug in return, which was.. most likely a yes?

“Great, we’ll pick him up and drop him off then. Yea, it’s some renovation, he may learn something and of course we won’t let them use any dangerous tools.” Daryl had shook his head in Rick’s direction, knowing something he himself was missing before he’d engaged in the hunt for coffee, to which, Rick followed and he settled, hip against the counter top while Daryl picked the pot from the holder.

“Yeah, Daryl, a friend of me and Carol’s.” Daryl had paused briefly, adjusting the mugs before he poured the black liquid into them.

“Oh so Carol’s approval was all you needed, are you saying my judgment is bad?” Rick had asked, could swear he saw a tug in the corner of Daryl’s lips at the suggestion while the man was putting the pot back into the holder, apparently Daryl seemed to agree that it was in fact bad, Rick threw him two suspicious stink eyes which the man completely ignored..

“Okay okay, an hour maybe? Give her a kiss from me, yeah okay, bye.” Rick confirmed after giving up on his useless attempt to make a point with his eyes, an hour seeming to suit them well and he’d clicked the call off after that.

“’t is ye kno’, shit.” Daryl said when the call had ended, grabbing himself his mug while Rick did the same.

“Shit that’s strong.” He quickly followed with, his first sip and Rick simply shrugged in return, in a way it was feeling like a small minded form of revenge, until Daryl instantly went for a second sip like he couldn’t get enough of it. Rick just couldn’t win.

“What was that look.” Rick questioned, tasting the strong coffee for himself and yep, maybe it was a little too strong even for him, but that had been the plan. At least he’d settled for two measures in the end and not three.

“Ye kno’ shit ‘bout tilin’.” Daryl said, taking his mug and moved over to the table, sitting down on his usual spot, which Rick just savored for as long as he dared before he turned to the fridge. He’d longed for a morning like this, well, minus the lack of sleep.

“Am I good at anything?” He asked as a joke, eyes wandering over the chilled shelves before he picked out eggs and milk, deciding on scrambled after he held the carton for Daryl see and nod at his choice. In a way, that made all the difference when it came to starting from scratch, how different it was from the usual setback, normally Daryl would have been sour and tried to get a pass at free breakfast, more or less refusing to be treated. But he wasn’t, this kind of familiarity had survived through the damage and in a way that was a lot more than Rick could have asked for, even for such a small detail.

“Yer a good dad.” Rick fumbled with his grip on the egg package when he heard it, having to desperate cradle it with his other arm, pinning it to his lower chest to keep it from falling to the floor. He hadn’t expected that, not from a comment about how much about him that seemed shit as a joke and to get a reply sounding so serious, it threatened to give his past thirty but pre-forty poor heart an attack. He used the door of the fridge as a shield, trying to calm his blush with the cool air while pretending he was looking for something else to add to the breakfast, like fried ham or bacon but he didn’t have anything like that so he settled for some cheese when he’d finally gotten the ground stable beneath his feet again. It didn’t help him much with a response though, turning from the fridge to the stove and cabinets, he placed the items on the countertop and grabbed some butter before letting the door slid shut.

“Thanks.. I guess.” Well that had been a pathetic response, especially with the muffled throaty noise almost transforming into a snort coming from the table. Rick took out a bowl after he dropped a tiny slice of butter into the pan and cracked a couple of eggs into the bowl on the side, added the milk, whipping it together with some salt and white pepper for additional taste.

“So what about it?” He asked. When satisfied with the mixture, he tipping the bowl when the heat was good enough, sizzling the butter gently, adding the cheese right away.

“Only power tools used I guess would be t’water saw, t’mixer ain’t dangerous.” Daryl replied, eyes scanning Rick for every question mark that popped onto his face as he was trying to place said items into the working order of the task and top notch amazing knowledge of general tools, which didn’t reach beyond much more than the basics like a nail gun,

“Water one ain’t even sharp ‘r got teeth.” He reassured, most likely noticing how Rick’s brain had gotten stuck on saw and power tool in the same sentence. Rick pulled out a drawer to grab a spatula, stirring the mix as the bottom had started clogging together, letting the mix putter on as it was scrambling together with the stirring.

“Don’t mean ye stick yer fingers into it tho’.” Rick stopped stirring the mix to look over at Daryl, his form shrugging. Rick stared back at him with squinted eyes, deducting the much obvious sarcasm at Rick’s expense.

“Don’ burn’em, skipped my hunt fer those eggs.” Daryl slid in when Rick was about to work up an accusation for the morning harassment involving his precious dad-only-wanting-his-kids-safe brain cells and perhaps, his lack of knowledge in the trade aside from hiring someone qualified for the work and coming home to the progressed states. He stuck the spatula down into the pan again, stirring the clotting pieces and repeatedly chopped the tip through the larger ones to make them all nice and even. Well, he was enjoying it, better than asking if he even wanted to be there after that moment in the hallway the night before but he’d be damn if he let either be too obvious on his face.

“Carpooling is better for the environment.” Rick repeated, stubbornly holding his attention on the eggs but he was sure Daryl had rolled his eyes at Rick’s own light fire of sarcasm before shuffling up on his feet, target acquired for his refill and discreetly breathing out a _damn kid_ who’d thrown him under the bus. As he moved over to the pot, as close in proximity that he was allowing Rick felt silly for clutching the spatula tighter, glancing the side of Daryl’s face and turning his eyes away when said side turned in his direction, as if he wasn’t supposed to be caught looking. Which he was anyway, because he’d turned his eyes back before he knew it, hearing his own words in his head when the kitchen seemed to get drained from oxygen and the puttering from the pan sounded like sledgehammers pounding, what if he did follow through? Just screwed careful and just kissed him right there in the kitchen like he hadn’t so many months ago, Daryl had said he probably wouldn’t have minded that one time and the mood felt right. The thought didn’t live long, snatched right before him when Daryl had filled his and Rick’s mug in a combined motion. It should have been sweet and heart squeezing but Rick didn’t miss the moment where the hand slowed, liquid sloshing gently inside the pot from the stop, like he caught himself asking what the fuck he’d just done without thinking, questioning the automatism like it was normal routine for them which wouldn’t have been weird because it used to be and in the end it was only coffee. So no, it wasn’t very sweet and it poisoned the mood with tension, well maybe the memory of it actually being part of routine for a short while had been sweet at least, Rick remembered that. Thankfully the pause was brief and the pot got put back into the holder before Daryl moved back to the table, it had been a good thing then, stopping Rick before he really did something stupid but he had to try and sort something out.

“Can we talk for a bit?” He asked, well that was vague and precise, he cursed inwardly when Daryl responded, knowing it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

“Ain’t we already? Tool’s ‘n carpoolin’.” Yeah, Rick had expected as much, couldn’t even decipher the tone of his voice when the words had steered them back to the non-relevant.

“No I mean, talk, about before.” He carefully attempted, keeping the spatula lazily moving about in the pan and turned his body slightly to the table. Daryl had slid his face toward the window, mug half raised in the air as he studied the world outside the window.

“No.” He said, simple. Not a nah or a shrug to dismiss but a decided no that was final.

“Almost done.” Rick voiced, clearing his throat in the process and put extra effort into murdering the chunks with the spatula. They weren’t almost done, but he could pretend they were while he continued stirring, turning the heat up a notch to speed it up. No doubt him insisting would leave their breakfast unfinished to grow cold in the pan after Daryl would have spat something aggressively defensive in his face, perhaps even left the apartment for Rick to pick up Sophia, forcing Rick to produce some kind of explanation for her and then spend the day feeling like a trespasser. Or worse, he’d go to Carol’s to find Daryl had already picked her up and he’d been left to find something else to do with his day.

Fuck it if he should even have opened his mouth in the first place, not after it resulted in sharing a stiff breakfast as the eggs had finally finished. They’d been able to converse, but it had felt shallow, close to means to an end trying to cover up the little unfortunate attempt on Rick’s end but at least it had gotten better once they’d arrived at Carol’s and Sophia had hopped into the truck, Daryl relaxing when her presence joined theirs almost felt taunting, like he was no longer able to be comfortable with just Rick around, or maybe Rick was just pissy for the added salt into his wounds when he’d been shot down, the sort of short lived pissyness that would evaporate given some time.

Rick had been booted to the bed of the truck when they’d stopped by Lori’s to get Carl. She’d looked tired at the door and Judith was crying in the background. He could hear Shane trying desperately to sing her some lullaby in a horribly monotone voice, he’d never been much of a singer unless he was stupidly drunk and chucked power ballads from the bottom of his lungs on karaoke night, but he was trying as sweet as he could. He couldn’t see Shane, but he didn’t have to, just knowing was soothing enough to put some good back into Rick, maybe even let a smidge of acceptance through that yeah okay, so it hadn’t been that bad, as long as Rick had let it go they seemed to be alright again, as always as long as Rick fucking backed off, same old tiring story. Lori had said it was fine when he’d offered his assistance, said he had people waiting and had glanced down to the street to the matted beige and brown poor condition of color on the truck and he’d given her thankful but sorry smile for letting him off this time.

It was nothing like the time they’d eaten Chinese on the bed of it, when it had been more or less clean, now littered with bolts, metal flakes and parts, grease, oil and he was sure he smelled enough gasoline to worry about the possibility of catching fire if he went too close if Daryl lit a smoke up. Shit maybe it was all planned; The gruesome murder of Rick Grimes. Then there were empty containers with the glorious smell of both rot and mold, lazily hacked open cans of preserved food which Rick imagined he’d just shoved the knife in and eaten it straight from the can. One particular can he nudged away with his boot when it rolled too close for comfort, leaving a spill of something in a sickening tone of green and orange. Then a couple of bottles of beer and yep.. definitely leftover bones picked clean from an evening of pondering while the teeth were gnawing even when there was nothing left, maybe. It was really nothing like the clean bed it had been.

So he wasn’t exactly eager to spend time in the mess of the bed, but they didn’t all fit up front and there was no way neither him or Daryl thought any of the kids would ride in the back, no matter how “cool” they thought the idea was because of all the movies showing people doing it casually and not actually showing how reckless it could be, and well, in this case also the health hazard category; plague. At least Daryl was driving slower than the speed limit when he got to the older roads with old asphalt cracking and popping, challenging the springs in the shock-absorbers. It didn’t stop Rick from gripping the frame of the bed with his arm slung along it, not that he thought he would be bumped into the air, Daryl was making sure of that but it felt nice to have the reassurance. However, he did decide, to screw the chores to begin with, he’d clean the fucking bed of the truck first thing when they arrived to their destination when his grip had proven to be a mistake when his hand slipped on something slimy beneath his fingers, forcing him to scrounge up strength in his lungs to shout how damn messy it was, loud enough to be heard over the noise of the engine, it only got him the kids laughing in the front and Daryl flipping him off, immediately telling the kids they weren’t allowed to pick up on the move, if Rick could judge from the little he saw of Daryl gesturing from his compromised position.

He’d stayed true to his decision when they had arrived though, getting off the bed of the truck, wiping the grease and a combination of mysterious fluids, smelling like old air sulked food juice, from his arms and hands onto his jeans, trying not to be too disgusted with the retched smell as he started sorting the trash he’d spent the ride with.

“Shit, Sophia told me but it doesn’t compare.” Carl had voiced when he’d gotten out, the girl following behind him with a chipper little laugh at the widening eyes of her friend. As long as they had been involved with the Dixon’s, Carl hadn’t actually set foot on his land before, the lingering _maybe_ had remained a maybe when it came to the question of Carl being allowed to join Sophia on a tracking lesson or fishing tricks at the lake and then there had been the months of non-existing. Now though he was there and the first thing Rick had to do with his hand deep into sorting the trash was raising his voice, telling Carl to mind his language. His son had met his eyes sheepishly, barely covering over his excitement that had caused it all to begin with, Rick couldn’t exactly blame him but he’d still have to maintain at least some discipline and minding your language wasn’t much to ask. Carl had given him a quick _sorry_ , Rick nodding approvingly in return to which was Sophia’s cue to pull him away toward the cabin.

She walked naturally, belonging to the property and melted into it, allowed to stray as she wanted and trusted with the responsibility of his place, his _home_. Like when you gave your kid his or her own key to the place for the first time, trusting them to be careful about it but also trusting them with who they bring. Daryl already knew Carl, but the way Sophia strode with ease and Daryl not even batting an eye as the two of them disappeared into the cabin told Rick enough, that it didn’t even have to be Carl, sure maybe Daryl would be a little suspicious but no doubt if Sophia was to bring a friend over she would be allowed to without much questioning and they’d have free reign because Daryl trusted Sophia to know where the limits were. Rick only felt a little jealous, he would swear later, a little, and he’d feel disgusted about it, because she did have her place there, she belonged and there was absolutely nothing to question other than a petty thought that he wanted that too.

Rick pulled his eyes back to the bed of the truck after the kids had disappeared inside. Sophia was probably giving Carl the tour, which wasn’t much to see in terms of size but the structure and the sparse but simple choice of decorations and furniture surely was as it merged with the interior perfectly. Although quite small, Rick knew he could compare the feel of the cabin as a giant bean bag that would swallow you up from just one stay at the place, noiseless, like it wasn’t actually containing Styrofoam tiny balls but something heavenly fluffy and caressing akin to soft tucked feathers, adding pleasant warmth as you sunk deeper into it, well, it was a place seducing the senses of impression, cradling until you lulled into a state of hibernation you didn’t really want to wake up from. So yes, small but unmistakingly grand and so so lovely.

His attention was pulled when the garage door rattled. Daryl had come out with a bag and a bucket of water sloshing on the inside, taking Rick’s claim to the trash in the truck as seriously as he himself had.

“I’m seriously amazed on how disgusting you made it.” Rick stated, following Daryl, those blues squinting up at him before he stopped next in line to Rick, placing the bucket on the ground within  reach.

“Ain’t s’bad, jus’ some dirt.” Daryl shrugged, leaning over to the bed while he inspected the mess. lazy fingers grabbing containers and cans, tossing them to the side like he couldn’t actually see what Rick was getting at. Not to mention that he was messing up what little order Rick had already managed to procure.

“You’re gross, which is why I am not holding much hope, but do you happen to have a pair of gloves?” Rick watched the new addition of grime covering Daryl’s fingers as they pulled back and he straightened up, right okay so Rick was a bit sensitive regarding the trash, he wasn’t Mr. I’m filthy, this is my sixth day without a shower and I don’t care, but still that.. no that was just filthy, even for Daryl and yet the man didn’t fucking care.

“Maybe.” Was the reply he got before Daryl stalked off, leaving Rick wondering if he had just dismissed him to his demise of trash, it had been his decision to clean it after all, or actually gone to grab him a pair. He followed the man all the way to the porch, the discreet and sedated sway of his hips now on show in broad daylight compared to the darkness and rain before the dinner and the last visit that had been cut short. He watched.

It may have been months and a bad reunion he hadn’t wished for, time that people normally dubbed as the phase of moving on, designed with space and contemplation for the brain to move things around enough to dull the heart down, finding peace or bitterness as a replacement for the lost and longing so the heart could beat a bit easier. Rick had found both, he’d argue, he knew for sure he’d been bitter for the majority of the time but rather than these functioning parts of moving on that were supposed to be working as one piece of machinery, his must have malfunctioned in the miserable mix that just stacked one on top of the other, but then again he never stopped waiting for Daryl to come back when he’d come to terms with the choice the man had made. So nothing had dulled down, rather time seemed to have enhanced everything, he would have simply stopped long ago if it hadn’t and he certainly wouldn’t have kept looking until the frame disappeared inside the cabin, the prolonged opportunity to soak the sight in proving it all the more when the stride seemed to sync perfectly with one long and excruciatingly slow breath, why a simple rejection in the request of one discussion could hurt so much. The kids were louder than Daryl, he couldn’t tell what, but heard the evidence of conversation going on inside before Carl and Sophia came back outside, striding over to Rick.

“Here, Daryl said to give these to you. He also said to ask you if I could go see the area with Sophia.” Carl flipped the gloves over in Rick’s direction, holding them out with a light pout on his lips like he hadn’t expected he’d need to get Rick’s permission to roam around. Rick reached for the gloves, it probably wasn’t about permission as much as it was a formality, Sophia surely had it already and she knew her way around the woods surrounding the cabin no doubt, a way to respect Rick’s position as a father instead of taking it upon himself to give or deny to those requests. If Rick was to guess Daryl would say something like _ain’t my place_ if asked about it. Rick smiled to himself though, couldn’t help it, knowing he would have trusted Daryl enough with something like that if he’d chosen to tell the kids to go and play, it wasn’t like the man would just send them off if he didn’t have confidence in Sophia’s knowledge of the terrain.

“Yeah that’s fine, just be careful.” Ultimately he was happy to have been included and additionally viewed it as a means to let Rick know where his kid was at, as young teens seemed to frequently forget to ease their parents heart, forget to voice something as simple as where they were going or what time they thought they’d be back. Having them ask about it would, given time, hopefully transform into understanding the importance of their whereabouts to their parents, teaching them to dutifully announce it on their own and slowly expand what was allowed from what wasn’t. He watched the kids take their leave after saying bye, they had promised to be careful and well, Carl had Sophia with him so it would all be fine and if not, he had made sure to show his phone and the battery status to Rick just in case.

* * *

Rick was soaking through his shirt by the time the bed of the truck was a fresh wet clean shine on metal and half scratched paint job of the bed now visible, the filth was gone and his breath had almost stabilized from all the scrubbing, leaving his hands slightly sore beneath the fabric of wet gloves. He’d jolted around when his ears picked up a traveled whistle, tone impressed with only a tinge of sarcasm directed at Rick’s sorry sweaty state.

“Not bad officer.” Rick fought the blush that had ambushed him as much as Daryl’s presence had, both silently prowling into his dead angle and appearing from nothing at all, or Rick had just been that focused on his task he’d lost any instincts regarding his surroundings. He rested back onto the side of the truck, the small of his back against the back wheel house trying to poach a bite size comment to retort with but not producing anything. He let his hands keep his attention, moving over the gloves as he worked them off to hide his lack of response as a substitute.

“Alright, got some more cleanin’ fer ye.” Daryl continued, holding a large sized brush to pass over to Rick along with a bottle of water.

“Thought I was serving lemonade?” He joked and Daryl simply rolled his eyes. But Rick took the bottle first, gulping down half of it because maybe Daryl had a point at the dinner, busting your ass around in the daytime sweltering heat really wasn’t that great of an idea but then again, shit idea or not he couldn’t pass on the opportunity. More and casual, repeat and expand, he needed to keep it up if he was ever going to get anywhere and as far as he knew so far, after the original bump at the start, light conversation like this and simple activities didn’t seem to hinder their relationship and seemed relatively accessible as long as he _stayed away_.

“So what am I doing?” He asked when the water had settled, almost like he was feeling it adding to his system, which was a little creepy as a physical feeling but when Daryl waved for him to tag along he thankfully stopped thinking about it. He was led to the cabin where a hose had been pulled out in preparation and lay waiting in the grass, Rick didn’t think he’d have time for it but he thought about mowing the lawn, then again, he didn’t think Daryl had a mover either.

“Need’s a fresh coat ‘f stain, jus’ gotta clean ‘t first. All ye do ‘s go bottom ‘n up, water, brushin’, then up t’ down, same shit.” He explained, turning the tap on the hose to soak the bottom corner and did a few quick light sweeps as a demonstration on the simplicity of the task.

“Right, hey are the kids back yet?” He asked, looking around to try and spot them without any luck in the yard.

“Ye, they’ve been back fer ‘n hour, ye really got yer head into cleanin’ ye kno’” Rick hadn’t realized, but then again the amount of sweating he’d been doing he should have been able to guess he’d been at it for longer than he thought but he wasn’t going to be ashamed over how cleaning could consume him, just maybe a little for letting it consume him for so long.

“And they’re being helpful?” He asked instead of taking the tease to the heart, after all the carefree words being shared between the two of them was better than grumpy reluctance he knew he’d feared would have been a possibility since the kitchen.

“Oh yeh, they’re doin’ t’last bit ‘f the floor, wanna check ‘n get some lunch?” Indeed Rick did want to do that, hell had the conversation in the morning even happened? He was getting unsure, the rejection of touching anything that was relevant to at least Rick, although logically it should have been equally relevant to Daryl. But he’d let it slide, it all was as much as he’d be getting without pushing his luck, so he nodded, well, he was starving too.

The kids were huddled down at the entry to the bathroom when they got inside, chatting intently while staying sternly focused on their task of lining the tiles with the right size of the joints, asking the other if the one they had put down looked good and exchanging affirmatives while they added the thin thread in the hollow lines. Rick watched his son pick the last tile to piece it into the last spot, placing it edge down before flipping it into the glue like putty before adjusting it with a light twist of spread fingers over the flat surface, before nudging it down with light pressure.

“Looks good.” He voiced, meeting Carl’s beaming face which turned at their announcement of presence.

“Dad, this is awesome, I even got to use the mixer.” Rick looked over to Daryl, half skeptical about the said trust he’d declared he had for the man, Daryl had said it wasn’t dangerous but he couldn’t stop his fatherly worry from interfering anyway. Carl turned back to the tiles, letting his fingers drag over the edges to measure height differences in connection to the meeting edges, pushing the right top corner down just slightly before feeling again while Daryl just shrugged at Rick’s reaction before looking over, he probably hadn’t even needed to, probably knew damn well exactly what Rick’s face would look like.

“What, ye want t’ give ‘t a go ‘fore ye take my word fer ‘t?” He asked, teasingly provoking Rick by the feel of the words, but rather than riling him up he felt it all dispel and Rick looked back to his son, shaking his head.

“No. I trust you.” Rick may or may not have been counting the seconds, the first five being fine, the following five had his stomach twinge the evidence of worry and all in total Rick thought he’d stepped too far when fifteen had passed before Daryl finally cleared his throat to break the silence inside their sphere that filtered out the chatter of the kids.

“Alright, lemme have a look.” Daryl broke away, stepping forward to join the kids while they applied the string to keep the set distance between the tiles. Despite the stale and painfully long amount of seconds that that had passed, he hadn’t been kicked off the land, he hadn’t gotten a nasty retort or mock of sarcasm and by the ease in Daryl’s shoulders from where Rick was watching, he looked relaxed and Rick dared to think he may simply have gotten embarrassed from the comment or just not expected that to be Rick’s response. It hadn’t been something bad, when Rick started thinking about it, it may sadly have been the first time Rick had expressed that kind of faith in him. He should have said something sooner, as part of his promise to himself, how could he not have said something so relevant and obvious earlier? If he’d emerged with at least half a brain cell more he could have realized it sooner, after the hospital and the on and off mental exhaustion, Rick had never worried but from Daryl’s point of view wouldn’t there have been no way he’d thought he was easily trustworthy? Shit, time may have made things better, more relaxed around their family but the man had always been wary of picking Judith up, he’d never taken Carl out hunting nor approached the topic in anything but a detached attitude no matter the amount of nag from Rick’s son, passing it off to Rick as soon as he was able to, he’d never overstepped that aside from that last dinner before he left.

They may have grown close but Rick was still a cop, someone like Daryl wasn’t about to forget that and the shit he’d spiraled despite the time they’ve spent together and Rick thought it wasn’t just about Daryl not trusting himself, fearing what losing control could bring, but also never even thinking for a second that Rick may trust him like Carol did and Daryl had accepted that, respected it. It was stupid, Rick hadn’t ever feared it, he wouldn’t have broken protocol and sheltered Daryl for the night after the hospital if he had, but as obvious it was to Rick, his heart sunk at the thought that it surely hadn’t been to Daryl.

“Rick?” Shit, the voice reverberated through his eardrums like it had called for him a few times already and he twitched, finding Daryl standing up already, kids too giving him a questioning look from all three of them and he profusely waved his hand to excuse his little spin of thought to the lost wonderland.

“Sorry, groceries.” Rick was met with staring eyes and snickering from the kids, his son provokingly adding to the touch of his lost thoughts by implying Rick was such mom for thinking about his fridge and food but at least that gave Rick something to grab onto, retorting instead of socially stumbling to explain himself for being lost in thought because he felt like he’d been caught with his thoughts voiced out loud. In the end it didn’t matter, when he’d gone back to work after a quick lunch of simple sandwiches with juice, coffee and soda depending on the pick it was all forgotten. Smile playing on his face on its own after he’d seen the stocked up fridge that had a little too much in it and knowing Daryl had bought it all for Sophia, imagined how a simple trip to the store for some soda, maybe a little candy and some food had probably ended up in Daryl not knowing what to buy and bought too much just to be safe instead. Not that Daryl would ever admit to that reason, nor that Rick would mention because he’d be put in another _mom_ comment rather than having the obvious truth confirmed.  

Washing the cabin had taken longer than he had expected, although Rick didn’t think the cabin was very big it was proving its exterior size as _more than you think_ while he was trying to resist the temptation of the smell that had been spreading around the yard for the last hour. Daryl had been helping out on and off, which did add to why it had taken so long, the whole sized thick lump of deer thigh from knee to hip with the bone still lodged in the middle of it being his secondary focus as it had sizzled over fire, but the soon to be dinner was damn well distracting if anything. But it was diligent work, simple as well.

“What about the staining?” Rick had asked once they were all done and Daryl was down from the ladder after clearing the top drain from twigs and leafs, detaching his buck knife from his belt and passed it over to Sophia.

“Ye wanna carve some sizes?” He asked and she nodded, taking the knife eagerly in its sheath but not getting further than a nudge as Daryl held on to it, telling her to be careful with it before he finally let go.

“I’ll get ‘t done.” He said, glancing at the road when they picked up the sound of a car. He knew the washing had taken a good amount of time, but when Carol’s car was the one that rolled up to the cabin he realized they had been going at it longer than he thought. Well, he was drenched, twice or three times over in sweat from the physical work and the blazing heat outside, his stomach was crying now as they’d slowed down and the lunch had been a quick one, late also, now desperate to grab the opportunity it had to announce how badly it needed to refuel and yeah, okay, so maybe the timeframe wasn’t that skewed after all.

“Well well, aren’t you all damn well and perfectly disgusting.” She stated straight out, one look grazing over them had been enough for her choice of greeting with a simple smile spreading on her lips, simple, but also threatening. Carol turned when Sophia called for her, waving her hello in the direction of the fire pit. The large piece had been pushed to the side, resting in the heat with the pale patches of Sophia’s carving.

“Guess we could clean up.” Rick suggested, but knew it wasn’t up for discussion, they had a hose, the water was cool and would no doubt be a welcome pleasure in the heat, he just had to push away the images of the classical group of girls drenching each other in slow motion and sappy music, because that really wasn’t what it was going to be and they didn’t belong in his head at all.

“And don’t you dare say “ _‘s fine”_ , you may be used to it but we have to sit with you. You can be all the disgusting layers you want later.” She fought as soon as Daryl had opened his mouth with the perfect impression of his voice, making him shut it again. Had it been Rick, hell even if it came from Carol, he expected the response to be Daryl taking his food and sitting away from them in protest to make a point. The thing was, Carol probably only said it because she could, in the end, she would accept it if they sat down without cleaning up, as far as being on Daryl’s property went. But saying it made the option available and Carol knew that, had learned it quick enough after living there and despite the complaints and grumbling, the man had relented some of the decisions and what goes under his roof to her. Well she probably knew she was almost as likely to get what she wanted as Sophia was.

“We’ll be right over.” Was all Carol needed to hear, well, it came from Rick but it seemed good enough to satisfy her that she danced half a turn before striding off, waving her hand to dismiss Daryl’s _damn woman_ with good humor. Whatever images Rick had managed to produce and suppress in the same short amount of time was reduced to nothing but a bucket next to his feet. Daryl had moved away after his comment to one of the three they had used when washing the cabin to distribute water for everyone. So it wasn’t more than filling the bucket back up to the brink before he dove his hands down to scoop the water up, sloshing it over his neck and shoulders before he motioned for Rick to grab a second one and do the same. It made the whole cleaning up, a lot more innocent and easier, it also sufficed into the term of _cleaning up_ apparently, than what Rick’s imagination had produced, especially when the initial thought had managed to transform into the soaking image of a bent over body letting the water run over it straight from the hose. At least, with the others on the premise, this version served him better than the scenario that would surely do cruel things to his stomach and, other areas.

“Gonna go grab ‘s dry shirts.” Daryl said when he was done, now completely soaked while Rick was still working the sticky layer from his arms absently, his eyes following the man while he snuck  up to the cabin, probably only sneaking to keep Carol off his back for walking into his home with his top layer clothing dripping. He couldn’t contain a smile spreading over his face at the memory of the said shoe rule she’d enforced in his home when Rick had seen him kick his shoes off, one he’d followed, well, to the best of his abilities and the one Rick personally had promised to keep quiet about after the evening visit when the old rules had been tossed out the window. Rick washed the salted layer off as best as he could when Daryl had disappeared inside and it was indeed heavenly to soak the shirt and arms down under the beating sun and yes well, he may have pulled some cool wet water across his neck during the actual washing of the logs but it didn’t really compare to a real and proper soak.

Rick hadn’t been stupid enough to believe there would be a revealing change of clothes session on the yard, but he may have been stupid enough to have hoped for it, he realized when Daryl had come back and tossed a spare t-shirt in his direction, making Rick fumble half a motion before he managed to get a hold of the tee before it would have fallen to the ground, catching the fact that Daryl was already all dried up and in a fresh t-shirt. His memory flashed him a less tanned piece of month’s old skin torso with the shirt loosely pooling at the sides, he’d only seen it once back then, he’d made a stupid comment about it afterwards that had him more embarrassed than he’d ever been when had Daryl had replied and now, he was just getting fucked by his own brain for remembering that engraved image he knew was under the t-shirt. But he did remember all of it.

“Thanks.” He pushed out, holding the tee out to find it surprisingly well maintained, the color wasn’t even washed out into a bleached pathetic shade and no tear damage in the fabric, as well as the one Daryl was wearing, they must have managed to provoke one hell of a convincing argument seeing how they still had gotten to keep the sleeves. Carol must have bought him a couple of new ones, or praise the gods Daryl had decided to stock up his wardrobe, which probably didn’t happen very often but then again, he’d only stayed one night and he didn’t exactly dive into the drawers to find that one fact out so he couldn’t say he knew much about the stock.

But he did know the t-shirt would be a little big on him, not too much but about a size or two larger and as Daryl left to join the others, not bothering to stay and watch him change because really brain, why would he do that, he noted Daryl’s was too. Fucking hell, Rick didn’t know he’d needed to convince his mentality of the fact that as of now, they were simply normal, aside from lingering looks Rick had nothing else to go on except the painful fact that most of the time Daryl had opted to the no touch rule, like how he’d tossed the tee or Daryl putting a bucket next to him instead of handing it over, he wasn’t allowed the privilege of a trusted touch, anything from before was well.. Rick wasn’t sure where it was, still there but at bay? Maybe gone? He was still working on that but it wasn’t going very well.

* * *

“You know, I think he’s uncomfortable with spending time alone with me.” Rick blurted much thanks to Carol’s soothing and non-questioning demeanor that for some reason had urged him and his t-shirt thought into spilling his insecurity about the situation he was in, namely the stiffness at the table or the shifting away that never seemed to stop happening whenever Rick got too close, the way he was able to joke yet his guard was up higher than ever when they were alone. He saw her head turn in his direction, took him a few seconds before he finally managed to meet her eyes.

“He stayed over last night didn’t he? Or did he bolt when we had left?” She asked, grabbing the bucket of water to put the last glowing embers in the pit out and Rick thought she sounded exactly like he had after they had left last night, the look of consideration that told Rick that Daryl probably had been thinking about it, and he wasn’t at all surprised that Carol had asked as if she knew it could have been a possibility.

“He did.” He reluctantly voiced, Carol shifted her eyes toward the edge of the yard where the man of the topic was standing with the kids, probably not needing any further confirmation on her statement, knowing it had almost been a close call, hell it was Carol, she could probably perfectly visualize the entire scenario from last night in the blink of an eye.

“He wouldn’t have though, you two made it hard for him to say no but we both know he wanted to, can’t say I was nice either.” Rick followed her eyes over to the edge, lowering his head slightly to comfort the source of shame mixing into his system, he’d forced his way into the non-inviting invitation as much as they had when he’d been provided with the chance.

“But he did.” Was the only reply he got and it was turning his gears, Carol didn’t need to say more, that which she did say seemed to resolve the knots of thoughts that got him stuck at night. Hers were gentle work of short words that loosened the tightness so his strings could slip from the loops, insinuating and strengthening, that one fact, Daryl had stayed. He may yes, be uncomfortable with spending time alone with Rick, he had definitely looked to the option of leaving because it would be easier for him, but he hadn’t. Rick turned his eyes back to Carol, she was still gazing away as Carl was having troubles lifting the crossbow up, Rick could hear his son complain, something with the word _dude_ with Sophia laughing lightly in the milder warmth of the afternoon. Daryl usually worked through experience, watching Carol breathe as she enjoyed the sight before her, as she gave him time to think about it, Rick thought her silence that got his brain going from a simple fact, finally explained what he needed to know, Daryl had yet to figure out how to be with Rick in this new scenario of theirs, he was probably only uncomfortable because he didn’t know yet. Rick couldn’t say it didn’t hurt.

“Right.. it's just.. all the time I had to think about what today might look like, back when I didn’t know, even now after, nothing was like _this_ sure we hit a bump but I thought it’d get better you know? I mean sometimes it sure as hell doesn’t feel any different, but.. it is and the worst part is that I think a small part of me is starting to accept that this is how it’s going to be now and it's scary as hell." He confessed through a constricted mess of harsh truth he couldn't entirely ignore.

"Rick?" As she called his name, he looked to her.

"If you back off, he’ll let you.” She reluctantly voiced, wrapping her arms around herself while adjusting the light colored and thin summer cardigan closer around her body. He’d seen her do something similar to it before, the aftermath of a tell her husband had beat into her system, but it was different now, had been different for a long time, now she used that part of her as a source of strength on what was left behind, not a reason to hide. He knew, her sleeves were shorter, they used to be long, they’d rest over her hands only showing tips of fingers that would absently grab at the hem of them. She’d been beautiful that day when she’d kicked his ass out of bed for pouting one too many times and they’d gone to the funeral, a shit day in a way, but she’d shone, black calf long skirt paired with a gray button-shirt and her sleeves had been rolled up from cleaning up his sink from the ice cream massacre and she'd tucked those arms around herself at the grave. Sometimes Rick forgot that he’d supposedly been the one that saved her, he sure as hell hadn’t been the one to change her mind, he’d only been the middle hand and since then, she’d saved him many times over he wasn’t even sure he’d ever done anything to deserve her. As of her standing there, arms wrapped, letting one simple line drift from her lips, when she did _that_ he knew it was one that mattered, was one that clung to her heart beat for him to receive.

He wouldn’t face eyes his away from her even if he was held at gun point in that moment. It wasn’t that Rick knew already, there was more to her words stringing heavily in the undertone, something so generously warm and earnest he felt his face twist and he fought his muscles pulling because he knew what she was saying, what she really was saying and once again, she effortlessly saved him.

“I know.” They shared a smile as Rick voiced his reply and she finally turned toward him, Carol as gently as ever put her hand up on his cheek, nudged it palm to skin while their collected shared smiles lingered until she finally relieved the tension, letting her fingers affectionately pinch the victim beneath them for just a moment.

“You know he not-talks about you? It’s stubborn and cute.” Then the corner of her lips danced as she claimed her determination back from the brief pause of affection.

“But sweetie you need to stop feeding yourself scraps to keep us fed, I know what you’ve been doing so I made this happen today, because I know it’s a struggle Rick, I can’t relate because I’m not you, but I can see it playing and Rick, you haven’t lost yet.” He couldn’t decide what to choose first, feeling giddy about the statement that Daryl did in fact talk about him thinking he wasn’t, absent phrases working around his name but never mentioning it most likely, or keeping his own head up when his throat constricted at the words that followed, that he was still in the fight, she wasn’t implying said signs and signals were all made up in his head as comfort for the heart of a fool, rather he felt encouraged to trust his gut, she believed in him.

“You know that, don’t you?” She asked, holding her eyes firmly in his and for all the light hearted and warming affection she was all about, she was serious in her concern whether it came to Rick’s position, if he still believed and trusted because she wanted him to hold on.  Rick decided to fuck any motion to keep his head up, letting it dip with a shaky short breath of a laugh, taking her hand in his and swung it with a light squeeze as a small thud of a bolt hitting it's mark muffled through in the background, completely irrelevant to the time slowed between him and her.

“I’d be fat if it weren’t for you, you know.” He glanced up, sheepish smile on his face.

“And lost, ruined by my own thoughts, delusional and manipulated by my mind. I’ll fight it, this part of me that wants to settle, this isn’t how it’s going to be, it’s not how it’s supposed to be.” Rick absently voiced, knowing that gut deep feeling he had floating in his body, the one that sometimes sunk into depths too deep for him to follow, but he knew it was still there, the one that allowed him to hold on, remember what he sometimes saw and what he thought of it, like those lingering looks that knocked his feet off the ground thinking _there is_ , he owed it to himself to really find out if anything from before was really gone, before he could even think of accepting it.

“But common Carol, be honest with me, you thought he’d bolt didn’t you?” He asked her and she shrugged casually. 

“I’d say the odds were about 70/30 in favor of bolting, but it paid off didn’t it?” She smiled and laughed, Rick did too.

 


	21. Scraps or not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third one’s the charm, people said and maybe they could be right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've finally finished moving, last few weeks have been crazy, renovating house, working full time, asshole cats, and moving from my apartment in a blitz attack, all night then working the entire day on top of that. Still got some stuff around the house to do, but now it's mainly tinkering and, after getting the living room sorted, I finally started my PC for the first time in a week.  
> (I do love my cats tho <3)  
> So! My first weekend almost off, I decided to dedicate my Sunday to cleaning this chapter up becauce it was simply energizing, we're moving things along, I've desperatly missed my computer and tinkering with it. So, here you go.

_“Feeding yourself scraps.”_ Her words had followed him through his Saturday evening after he’d gotten home, the entire Sunday and it even kept visiting him on Monday, leaving him a morning of procrastination and an afternoon where work was supposed to keep him occupied but it wasn’t. He blamed the mini-Carol he was working with, who’d earned that new title since her minor whipping of the week before, who’d managed to set him straight in the head just like his dearest friend would have when he was stumbling blindly even if she rarely actually did anything. Whipped by a rookie, he’d never live that down. Tara was acting like a reminder that Carol was right, the woman was always right, he’d minded them and what they needed but it was only because he’d thought it was important, shit even after their conversation it still was and he knew what she’d said hadn’t meant drastic changes, thank fuck, because that idea was scary and yet it stuck with him, like the idea was asking the ignoring part of his brain to take it into consideration instead. He’d felt the universe grin in his direction, poking him in the side as he’d burnt his tongue on freshly brewed station coffee coming to the conclusion that he, Rick Grimes, was not in a very different position as Daryl when it came to her.

 _Not yet_ it had responded on Voice Mail Wednesday when Rick found enough courage to attempt a lunch invitation, with the stretched excuse that he’d be in the neighborhood. He wouldn’t be, but Daryl hadn’t needed to know that, not that he picked up. He’d still felt the flutter as he’d dialed, telling himself it was just a fucking phone call and yet, even as the tones kept ringing they had never died out, but the call had.

It wouldn’t have come without its ups and downs, he knew he’d be naïve to think that, would be getting off too easy. But his usual worries he’d a looser grip on him, the skin sunken red dipped claws had slipped out and they felt far from smothering as he remembered Carol gazing over to the field, how Carl had come later and complained he didn’t get to actually shoot the crossbow after Daryl had said kids didn’t get to shoot it. His goal of digging for pity from his old man had been to get Rick to change Daryl’s mind but Rick had just squinted his eyes at his son and said he _if that’s what Daryl says then that’s what goes”._ He’d held firm, smiling gently but non-relenting toward his son while his own head amusedly reminded him that it was bullshit, Daryl had been wielding that thing well, Rick didn’t know since how early, but the man had hunted when he was a kid and a crossbow was most likely not the only weapon he’d used around that age. It was disturbing but Rick was surprisingly okay with it by now.

It had been heartwarming that moment as it continued to be when Rick remembered it. He was airy, less stuck together in a jamming and restricting lock, it had been a good weekend despite the rejection of a conversation, rather than Rick thinking it wouldn’t have worked like he normally would, he was thinking it could have, it just hadn’t this time.

He’d almost call it Ostrich Thursday, sighing through tense jaw muscles on his sofa after coming home from his shift when he’d remembered, he’d  fucking forgotten to get something for Tara and he was running out of time. All because the weekend had injected him with new patience, with time, killing the worst pain of hiccups and leaving him on a high of distraction and a sense of warmth, he felt like he’d shoved his head into the ground where the only thing in that hole he’d buried his head in was the weekend.

Shit he had nothing planned at all, so much for Shane’s effort to help him out, told him in good time to keep ahead so he wouldn’t be in the exact position he was in. The sofa was digging at his ass while he groaned at his apparent incompetence, thought it must be a damn trait welded into his DNA from his mother because she tended to rush all over last minute. It was just another week like always, with nothing to put on a trophy shelf, in all honesty he should have called it a shit week, but he couldn’t help but laugh to himself when he was remembering the whirlwind of a woman his mother had been and how his dad used to chug her close and recount what they needed, calmly voiced with adoration for his beloved, he’d tell her what they’d do first, then lay out the rest of the tasks and she would calm down in an instant. He had never known if it was something the two of them kept up as something of their own, a unique trait to their marriage that they secretly enjoyed, knowing of that trust and safety that always came, or if she was just plain through stubborn about pulling it off on her own until she realized she couldn’t, because however she liked to bask in the role of a planner, there was no way she wasn’t aware of the fact that she was a woman who was easily distracted and a fine time optimist to top it all off.

Rick decided, after consoling himself with the fond memory of his parents, that he would start by treating Tara to lunch, that part was easy. He’d take her to their usual diner, they’d extend their break and treat themselves to desert. That’s roughly how far Rick got before he admitted defeat, he was useless at that kind of shit on his own and would rather endure Shane’s _I told you so_ when he asked him for advice in the morning.

* * *

In the end he’d regretted telling himself he would rather endure Shane and had called Carol after shamefully taking the expected roll of eyes, finding out Shane was useless in Rick’s quest for a gift when he could only provide idiotic suggestions of fluff strapped hand cuffs, a giant boot glass or a rainbow colored stuffed unicorn or other stupid things in similar fashions, that hadn’t exactly clicked with Rick’s idea of a minor semi-graduation gift. Rick took a moment to send his condolences to Lori, he himself may have been bad at it, but he was no Shane.

He could almost hear Carol’s _really_ eyebrows shooting up when he’d mentioned Shane’s suggestions and said he was getting desperate, because he guessed he was. Not to mention he was on day shifts which did limit the amount of time he had to go out and scout the stores before they closed. But Carol suggested he should make an attempt or two, said it’s likely he’d pass something by and just see it, told him to aim for something work related that she could make good use of, which, actually made sense, to anyone, but him, when last minute hit. God damn his mother. He hadn’t held her up for too long, but he’d been lucky enough for her to mention Daryl coming by twice during the week when she confirmed that he was still coming to their Friday dinner, she’d asked him when she’d dropped off a packed lunch at Dale’s. So that was good news at least.

Then he’d gone and spent two hours walking around town after grabbing a shower at the station, putting on his spare pair of jeans and button down he liked to keep in his locker in case he wouldn’t have time to go home after his shift. He’d ended up in an adventure and outdoor life looking store with all kinds of equipment, let himself get distracted by knives and bolts, taking closer looks and thinking of what models that would be most beneficial for hunting in terms of grip and precision, realizing he was looking for something Daryl might appreciate when it wasn’t what he had been there for. But he’d stored it in his memory for later use, didn’t hurt really and he couldn’t blame himself when pretty much everything in the store reminded him of the guy, which was why, when he’d stopped at a tall shelf with multiple version of gloves, he’d dialed his number and he only hesitated for about a minute, the familiar sound of the voice mail replaying in his head, but he dialed.

He didn’t get a hi, or it’s nice to hear from you, just the rugged raspy voice going straight for the point of what Rick wanted over the loud clanking and hammering in the background, the scream of electrical tools cutting and bolting. But Rick relished in the voice, even if Daryl sounded annoyed about the call, for all his uncertainties regarding Carol’s wishes and his own colliding, the previous call that had gone to voice mail, just hearing the tone was good enough for him. Rick glanced over the shelf from top to bottom then back to the top again, explaining he was looking for a practical pair that was tough but easy to work around but he had so many different pairs in front of him that he wasn’t getting any wiser from the differences between them. Rick had told him, for what kind of easy use they’d be for and gotten pointed to a pair of half finger cuts that had a leather cover area for the top of the hand and a fabric covered bottom with grip aid, motivating the choice with pointing out that you had more control over the palm and inner side of your hand when working but your top side easily got neglected and damaged during use. It had supposedly been fine with either half finger or full finger cover, depending on the level of agility and Rick had bought a pair of half fingers with the requirements suggested to him.

* * *

Third one’s the charm, people said and maybe they could be right.

Tara had been overjoyed when he’d taken her to lunch. They usually ate together in one way or another when they were out on patrol, be it diner or street stands, a grocery store sub, always something easy to grab with a preferable small line of customers so they wouldn’t waste too much time waiting for the food. Though they talked about their time together, she seemed to be quite excited to swap up even though she made sure Rick knew she was going to miss working with him on a daily basis. But overall she’d felt lucky with her picked seniors, first Rick and then Morgan who was, well experienced and had more years on the force than himself, she pretty much had called him an older version of Rick, but Rick that was easier to joke around with and she doubted Morgan would like any nicknames or talks about her dating life. Rick had reassured her that Morgan was always where it counted so he was pretty much a caring dad who knew when to be strict and when to be kind.

When he’d given her the present he’d jokingly admitted that he’d called Shane and had him walk over to the armory log to get her size from the logs, though he’d had the pair he wanted to buy, after hanging up his call to Daryl he remembered he also needed to get the right size and so, from there on. She’d pulled them on for fit while she teasingly questioned Rick asking the armory for her size, a sassy _better be the only size you asked for_ while she clenched her hands to test the elastics, feeling for comfort in the seams and simply said _awesome_ with a full teeth wide smile. Still it was Georgia, they didn’t use gloves for the main seasons due to the heat but they had a lot of less crime-like duties such as helping skidded cars in case they could get them up on the road again, clearing up after storms and things like that, gloves weren’t worn as a main part of their dressed equipment but they always had a pair with them. She’d hugged him when they’d parked at the station, parting for the day, he’d wished her good luck with her new partner and she promised she’d still bother him at his desk, so he didn’t have to worry about getting lonely, smiling all tease in his direction picking up from where she’d left off about her size. He’d shaken his head at her with a chuckle, told her to get going before he’d smack her in the back of her head. She’d be filing the last of her paperwork for her secondary while Rick had his own to take care of.

Then it had been all about the dinner, Rick had stopped by the store to buy a six pack of beer since he was running low on the ones he had at home, then the daycare to pick Judith up and last but finally home. Thankfully as he’d walked through the door with Judith on his hip and a bag of added groceries to his original plan for just a six pack, Carl came straight away when Rick called to help him out to pack up the contents of the bags. The freshly advanced teen had started playing more video games the last two months, pulling his attention from being a devoted son as he delved into the path of being independent which was great, but calling his name five times and all he got back was _yeah I’m coming!_ Only to hear more mashing of buttons from Carl’s room was a bit taxing as a father. This fast response of putting the console control down as soon as he’d asked made Rick reconsider taking his Playstation and putting it in the living room so his son wouldn’t seclude himself into his room all night long plus, he still got to have his movie nights so yeah, he could keep his game where it was. _Trust of good faith._

Rick put the beer in the fridge while Carl made grabs for the snacks, earning a quick warning from Rick that the snacks weren’t until after dinner, he’d pouted but refrained from asking _just a little?_ And put the bags in the dry storage cabinet while Rick pinned the newest chaotic mess of crayons on paper onto the fridge door with a magnet, the latest work of his up and coming artist pointing at the colors from his hip, giggling while Rick had kissed her head and said it was the prettiest drawing he’d ever seen, beating her brothers early creations by miles and he’d chuckled when Carl had pointedly said _not cool_ in a mock hurt voice.

Their beloved extension had showed up just after five. Carol already had her teasing game going strong as they walked through the door, pointing every verbal playful jab in Daryl’s direction and it made Rick’s stomach fizzle lightly when Daryl snapped them back at her as good as he got. It didn’t take long for Carol to claim the kitchen to get their food going, Rick thought he caught something looking like a fish side sticking up from the bag she had with her and soon got it confirmed when she expertly directed them though their parts of helping out. Sophia and Carl got to peel potatoes, Rick got to mix the cold sauce they would have on the side and Daryl was in charge of removing the skin after the fish had baked its first ten minutes in the oven.

“Hey the only reason you’ve had decent meals is because I’ve fed you, you let me do the seasoning honey.” Carol flicked Daryl’s hand away from the saltshaker to which he childishly swatted his fingers on hers in revenge, adjusting his voice in a mocking manner while mumbling back at her.

 _“Ain’t got nothin’ else t’do.”_  But he’d let the saltshaker be, Carol had picked it up instead and turned the fish silver skin down to salt, adding some pepper and some herbs.

“Slice the lemon then, the way you salt your meat I’m surprised there’s any water left in you.” She teased, mocking his skills of preservation through salting, smoking and drying meat and reached for the little rustling plastic bag with two lemons on it after a quick wash of her hands, shaking it playfully before he snatched it from her.

 _“Baby”_  
“Bossy”  
“You wanna salt the lemon too?”  
“I’ll salt yer stupid humor”  
“Butthurt”  
“Bitch..cha I can season jus’ fine.”  
_“Smooth, I’m actually impressed you’re trying.”_  
“Fuck off.”  
“Aaand we’re back.” 

At least the lemon got sliced while Rick listened to their amusing bickering and Daryl’s short lived attempt to clean his language up until they had put the fish into the oven skin up, complete with seasoning, lemon slices and butter which of course, Carol had asked if he wanted to salt too.

“How many left?” Carol had then asked the kids, looking over to the kids in their short seize-fire while pointing to the last half of a lemon before she steered the finger over to the sauce Rick had mixed.

“Two.” Carl said while Daryl took the half over to the bowl and squeezed the lemon juice into it while Rick stirred, feeling his eyes getting stuck on the fingers tightly pressed around the yellow skin making the last juices drop painfully slow, Rick stirred alright. But he couldn’t look for eternity, as soon as the last squeeze had killed the lemon half, Daryl moved to throw it away and so, Rick had to carry on. Carol had taken the pot with the peeled potatoes when Carl had finished with the last one and carried it to the stove,  while she asked Rick to put the sauce in the fridge in the meantime.

“I don’ salt that bad.” And the war was back on again. Rick had to stifle a laugh while carrying the bowl of sauce over to the fridge, they were almost worse than usual, but it also hurt a little on how far behind he was. He tried to keep himself away from that train of thought, it wasn’t her fault, he’d come as far as he had ‘cus she’d helped soften Daryl again.

After the first ten minutes Carol had taken the fish out and Daryl had finally been able to do the job he’d been assigned, after tossing a general complaint in Rick’s direction that his set of knives sucked, before taking the slimmest one he could find before he started to lift the skin as he slid the blade gently beneath it.

“Ain’t got a proper knife, ain’t even got a sharper either.” He muttered as the skin was peeling off with the light detaching scrape of the blade, every slide fast but careful and precise thanks to his experience in cleaning kills.

“I usually just slice pieces you know.” He defended himself and his standard set of kitchen knives that worked well for chopping slices or vegetables, but the comment had him thinking about his trip when getting Tara’s present. There had been a couple of sets for the purpose Daryl had in mind, he probably already had some but it could be a good gift one day and he guessed, but that wasn’t the point. He was in the middle of defending his normal life style compared to the wild life hike- and one with nature style Daryl had.

“I should have a sharpener in one of the drawers.” He’d added, vague memory of borrowing one from his mom before she’d passed but well, Daryl was almost done so Rick had shrugged, at least he had one. Daryl spent the coming ten minutes pulling all of Rick’s knives out with the sharpener after he’d managed to find it, fixing all five of them, looking like he was making a point of.. something, maybe that Rick was lazy or as Daryl liked to say sometimes, a city boy. His drawers were a mess, Carol made sure to nag about it.  

* * *

They ate, they talked, Rick and Daryl did the dishes, he remained at an arm’s length, even if he didn’t mean to shift closer, because he’d held back on those stunts recently, it was there, the fence, the evasion, it made him remember hurt when Daryl did shift away from him, the clear statement for Rick to know his place while, a simple _no_ instead of a _nah_ , at the same time Rick was sure Daryl’s eyes would linger on him from time to time, like a damn museum, see but no touch _haven’t lost yet_. It was shaking him, he was being watched, he felt the eyes but then there was nothing. Only, Rick felt more aware of it than before.

After the kitchen was clean and they all joined in the living room for a movie, Rick had felt it pressing and he’d ended up making an excuse to check Judith’s diaper. She hadn’t needed a change, but he gave her one anyway, it kept him grounded to have his daughter’s eyes watching him, babbling to him in a comforting way. As he’d been the last one to join them in the living room Carl had just told Daryl about the horrible casserole Rick had made and that he should have been there for it, Daryl had ruffled his hair and said maybe next time, while Rick knew a “next time” was just as likely as a never in their current situation. Shit, maybe scraps or not hadn’t mattered, not if there was nothing real for him to chase and he felt disgusted with himself the second the thought that Carol could have been wrong had popped into his head. He needed the isolation of the bathroom, catch his breath, he was just getting confused again, that this Friday happened to become a bit too real too fast, he reminded himself that he wasn’t losing, his gut wasn’t broken, it was just being poked at, she wasn’t wrong because, he did believe it himself, deep down, even if she’d never said it, she’d just made it easier for him to access a truth that easily fled the field from him when he was faced with doubt.

He was completely different from the version of himself that hadn’t realized the way he felt, way back when, he could see it clearer now, he hoped. However, the matter remained that Daryl acted like some friendly acquaintance playing along with Rick more often than not, for the sake of the rest while just sometimes, Rick felt like he was the only thing Daryl could see in the world when they locked eyes. He couldn’t make shit of those signals, twisted backwards and sideways, the light shifting from go to stop and back and forth, allowed but forbidden, the on and off emotions swirling wildly then Rick swears he felt more lingering looks on him after every dinner, how immensely much worse they had felt tonight. It was real fucking messy, like the merry go around he was on was broken and changed which way it spun every minute, a constant battle being fought but he held on to one thing, he held on to that trust, that those signs were nothing but real and that mattered the most. Scraps or no scraps, it sure as hell didn’t make it any easier, the deeper he got the worse it spun.

“Daddy.” She’d kept looking at him, stretching her arms out and he’d hooked his hands under her arms to heave her up, taking a deep breath before forcefully perking himself up, putting on a funny face to make her laugh and luckily she did. Ups and downs, time, he knew this.

“There we go, don’t you worry about daddy.” He nuzzled his nose against hers, he would have to deal for now, it was simply a rough patch for the evening, maybe he was tired, but he couldn’t allow himself to falter further, not with the flashes of warmth that burned between them when one had their hands down in soap water and the other around a towel. The purity of logic pointing out that if he was merely back to being a friend, there was no way Daryl would mind his presence in such a cautious and delicate way, sure he wasn’t a touchy feely guy to begin with but this was screaming different. For once his logic didn’t beat him down.

“There, all charged up.” He smiled at Judith while he shackled what insecurities that had escaped their chains, the break in the bathroom claiming his control back from these unruly emotions that threatened to join forces and overthrow him like a mob of peasants against the tyrant king, sealed away completely by the time he came back to the living room to sit himself down with Judith in her lap on one of the two sofa chairs with an animated movie running on the TV. It looked to be about some animals on a road trip or a mission of some sort, he wasn’t sure, but Judith had gotten hooked to the bright colors and the round and half surreal forms in an instant, sitting straight back on his thigh while he supported her balance with his hands around her waist, eyes glued to the screen.

By the end of the movie he’d hogged his baby girls happy squealing like direct injected fuel to his increasing mood, arms wrapped around her while she sat in his lap following the animation in front of them, borrowing her innocent happiness and adding it to stabilize his own, mentally promising himself he’d spoil her endlessly for the help she was unknowingly providing until he could leave _down_ behind in reach for _up_ , that, and Carol, who’d he smiled gently toward when she’d crooked an concerned eyebrow in his direction, telling her _it’s alright, I’m fine_.

* * *

“Thanks for coming a bit later than usual. It was nice to catch a movie after dinner.” Shane hadn’t seemed to mind, just clapped Rick on the shoulder and then picked Judith up from his arms after greeting Carol and Sophia.

“Bet this one is going to crash the second I get her into the car.” He smiled at her blinking eyes, voicing something sounding like _ane_ when she probably meant to say Shane but hadn’t quite learned how to say it yet.

“Oh she sure is, she was all attention the entire movie, probably drained her entire battery.” He reached for the pre-packed bag of Judith’s favorite toys and blankets they had to move between their homes to spare themselves of the toddlers screaming cries and handed it over to Shane.

“Then that’s a yes. Yo buddy, ready to go?” Shane had looked to Carl and grabbed the pack from Rick.

“Yeah, can’t wait for GTA night!” He exclaimed, shoving his feet into his shoes as fast as he could while he seemed to avoid even looking in Rick’s direction.

“The GT what now?” He questioned, suspicious while looking between Shane’s half nervous and half innocent face to Carl’s stiff and excruciatingly slow movements to put his thin jacket on, looking like he hoped Rick would drop interest in the matter if he took long enough, in the end he had to turn around when Rick didn’t give in.

“Oh um, game testing adventure night.” He smiled bright with front teeth, holding on to his brave front until Rick swapped over to Shane.

 “Oh? Shane really.” He could actually fully face palm with Judith and the bag passed over, they seemed to cave at the same time, along with Sophia’s snickering at their expense.

“Dude common, he’s old enough, besides his daddy raised him well and proper, he can distinguish between games and the real world.” Rick didn’t really agree with thirteen being old enough for that game, points to Rick for even knowing about the game, but the damage was most likely already done as it was GTA night, it was already a reoccurring event from the sound of it.

“Just keep it civil.” He couldn’t believe he was half agreeing to it, but he saw Shane slide his hand out while still holding Judith up so Carl could low five him and that did make Rick smile, his best friend was definitely an idiot but he wouldn’t be reckless with their kids and Rick trusted him to keep some supervision over the game when they played.

“Bye Carl.” Sophia had waved from the hallway, apparently hugging girls in front of Shane was too embarrassing for the young teen since he normally hugged her whenever Lori picked them up, he would tease Carl about that later sometime.

“At least you know who to blame later.” Carol said, innocent but evil and scheming smile on her face.

“Guess that’s not so bad.” He complied with her scheming while the terrace door announced the return of the escapist and they all joined together in the kitchen.

“And I can always use it as a threat I guess, I doubt Lori knows about it.”  Rick grinned widely, watching Carol’s lighthearted smile of approval.

“You’re learning fast officer.” She smirked, Daryl peaking up from behind his bangs at their exchange with an almost to full bloom frown on his face traveling between the two of them, not knowing what was being discussed and half suspecting they were plotting against him.

“You guys want a beer?” Rick asked as he grabbed the handle to the fridge, he sure as hell was having one now that his toddler joy and snarky son had left him with little distraction. He watched Carol glancing over at Daryl, not minding the frown at all and looking pleased with herself when she turned back to Rick like a damn near puzzle he couldn’t solve.

“We’d love one.” She said while ignoring the daggers Daryl seemed to be staring into her head, she seemed all too pleased though. Rick squinted his eyes at them for a second, confused and suspicious but nonetheless the door rattled from its contents when he opened it to pull out three beers, adding a can of coca cola when he asked Sophia if she wanted one and she’d nodded.

“So, did you find a good gift?” She asked as she accepted the beer he gave her, Daryl took the next one and then Rick grabbed his and sat down at the table while Sophia opened her coke.

“Yeah I did, bought a pair of gloves, got some help from Daryl to find a perfect pair, her first words were _awesome_.” He nodded in Daryl’s direction when he offered the credit over but kept his eyes on Carol, noticing the man shying away like the window had something interest to provide.

“I’d say awesome is a pretty damn good score.” She smiled and clinked her bottle head into Daryl’s in a tiny appreciation act for helping Rick out and then his own for a job well done in finding a gift to begin with.

“I forgot number four.” Sophia leaned closer to Daryl and Rick noticed they had managed to scrounge up a string she was holding both ends of and Daryl started directing her hands, adjusting her fingers to guide her into getting the knot right.

“Oh, he’s been teaching her, for fishing I think, maybe some trap, I’m not so sure.” Carol explained, sipping on her beer as Sophia got the so called number four knot right, proceeding on to show number five.

“They’re fishing knots, my dad taught me a few.” Rick remembered as he saw the familiar knots forming, he hadn’t tied one on over twenty five years but he could recall them as Sophia was working on tying without pulling too hard so she could loosen it again and do the next one in line.

“Hm? I never used to fish, family wasn’t into it.” Carol continued, wrinkling her nose at the act of it, probably the catching and the gutting part because the cooking she had mastered. Daryl and Sophia had pretty much zoned into their own little world while Rick and Carol continued their conversation, less about fishing but that she liked the fact that her daughter had taken an interest in the nature life and that she was happy she had someone to teach her when she was pretty useless at it herself, the mention of her former husband gone unvoiced, she rarely spoke his name, but they both knew he hadn’t exactly provided Sophia with that kind of chance. Rick’s son was pretty much the same, he had the interest toward it, but Rick had always bought everything ready to go and they’d somewhat skipped out on the part of teaching the basics that came before you threw the hook into the water, while adding that it had been so long since they had gone, last time being a family trip back when he lived in Atlanta.

When her beer had been running out she’d pulled one of those innocent smiles again, catching Rick before he could ask if she wanted another.

“Oh gosh.” She’d said, looking at her watch before turning her gaze in Daryl’s direction in the exact same manner as the one when she’d accepted the first beer.

“What a _shame_ , been having such a nice evening I didn’t even notice it’s gotten this late, we should get going. Sophia sweetie you ready to go?” She’d asked and looked over to Sophia for confirmation. The young one tried to smother a yawn but nodded thereafter. Rick entertained the idea of having a kid who actually went to bed in time, instead he’d been left with a fresh teen fighting his case to stay up longer than he should. Rick had collected the empty bottles, Daryl downing the rest of it as he’d fallen behind during his knot lesson with Sophia and had placed them on the countertop while the others gathered in the hallway. Rick’s heart fell a bit when Daryl was following the same procedure, telling himself that just because Carol had gotten him to stay over last time, that didn’t mean things would automatically change. Time, he reminded himself.

“Dinner next Friday?” She asked and Rick confirmed, keeping his face up for the little while longer he was required while they made a quick check for phones, keys and wallets in case they’d forgotten something. He’d sleep damn well, out like a light, forget about worries for a bit, maybe dream about their Saturday or the little clearing up the hill where they had dipped their feet if he was lucky.

“And you?” She asked, looking to Daryl just like she did every time, he looked more prepared for it, like he’d expected her to ambush him with another invitation or something, more comfortable at being part of the question perhaps yet somewhat uncomfortable with _something_ , he’d still bitten his lip before nodding.

“Great, _it won’t let you down._ ” She smiled before opening the door and slipping out with a cheery bye from the two of them. He’d thought Daryl would have followed after right away but he’d remained still before he looked to twitch back to life.

 “Staying?” Rick’s heart may have jumped from the pause of the door shutting to Daryl the first inch, maybe a shit idea to ask, it probably was, recently all his ideas had been shit when it came to Daryl so how would this one be any different? Daryl didn’t seem to be looking at anything in particular as he cursed under his breath, right so it was a bad idea. At least that’s what Rick thought the curse was for, bitten foul word, stuck in some headspace Rick couldn’t phantom.

“Hey I didn’t..” Daryl didn’t move, but he did focus in on Rick, not looking at nothing anymore, actually looking at him in one of those ways of his that had Rick’s knees go weak, something shifting, like Rick was actually fucking there, like nothing else mattered, the ones he snuck in Rick’s direction when he thought Rick wouldn’t catch it, the ones Rick had told himself were only his imagination on occasion, means to confuse him, _hidden and unknown_ _cruelty_. He took one tentative step forward, Daryl only shifted slightly, so he took another, Daryl didn’t move, another step, Rick felt himself unwinding in that space forbidden, he’d almost made it all the way.

“Whoa Rick what ‘re ye doing?” Rick stopped his hand reaching for Daryl, saw it mid air, not knowing when he’d reached, tongue caught in a twist because what had he been doing? Time he’d told himself, longing or not, shit he was pretty sure he’d just been half accepting of the new terms to the agreement because of him faltering in the bathroom again and he’d just gotten so close to ruining everything because of what, the hallway turning more colorful in the standstill moment of anticipation and there’d only been the thought of lips on lips polluting his previous patient mind? No polluted wasn’t the word, well it was but it wasn’t really true, Rick had wanted it and Daryl had almost let him into his space, if Rick didn’t mistake the energy between them.

“Oh um, I was just..” _Trying to kiss you because suddenly it’s the only thing on my mind right now?_ Rick realized his eyes were straight bulls eye on Daryl’s lips, forcing them up to look at him in the eyes instead and from the look on Daryl’s face it was obvious he knew exactly what Rick had almost done. It really had been the only thing on his mind, thought it may have crossed Daryl’s too.

“I just thought because you were..” _Pulling me in_. He hadn’t read it wrong had he? Rick didn’t think so, even if Daryl was denying it, those looks and Rick being able to slip into his space without him tensing up? That had been it, he couldn’t have been wrong.

“Well ye thought wrong, jus’ got shit on m’mind. I’mma go.”

“Alright.” Rick sighed, nearly as an apology, nearly being able to visually watch Daryl’s feet root themselves to the floor, despite his proclaim to leave he didn’t. The slight twitch to his face and okay, maybe Rick had hoped that one card he could play would still be effective after it had come slipping from his tongue without any real intention to use it against Daryl. But it had happened and his hope turned into a yes, it was still effective and Rick couldn’t resist it, they were close, the space was on fire, it was unruly like a stormy sea but deep mirror flat surface of a lake at the same time. Tearing them apart, sewing them together.

When the lips had connected something snapped, Rick melted in the welcomed remembrance of taste, the feel of lips and strands of messy brown hair when he’d curled a hand around Daryl’s neck, everything turning real, pulling him closer, deeper into the kiss and Daryl sunk into it just as much, his lips moving to accommodate Rick’s own and the pleasant almost passed out exhale that slid voicelessly in their barely there pause before Rick pulled him in again. He’d slotted himself closer, drawn by the pull, chests almost touching but feeling the radiating heat bursting against the other, he could feel his mind slipping and losing itself, devoured by the pleasure of having his beloveds lips kissing back on his own. For a moment there was nothing else, he just moved about as he drank and ate how perfect they fit, one hand twisted into Daryl’s hair, the other laying itself against his hip to tug at his jeans, closer, not enough, together, nothing between, he couldn’t allow anything else when his greed consumed him, when Daryl’s intense hunger forced him to be greedy. He felt Daryl hanging onto him by a thread, fingers curled into his shirt to chain either himself down, or Rick, he wasn’t sure, Rick wasn’t thinking, Rick really wasn’t thinking. A ridge of skin slid beneath his fingertips, something thick and raised, he felt it for just a second, hand slid beneath Daryl’s t-shirt to feel, his hand had crawled from Daryl’s hip to claim leverage in the small of his back, then the only thing he could register was the pain, how his lungs constricted when he was ripped away and his back hit the wall.

“Shit! Fuck, I can’t.” Daryl stumbled over his words, gripping his t-shirt to pull it down over his exposed hip. Rick reached for him before he could bolt from the apartment, grabbing a hold on his wrist, he didn’t want him to leave, not now, not when they still wanted, when Daryl had showed him _he wanted_. Rick didn’t even know what had gone wrong, it had felt right, Daryl must have felt it too otherwise he wouldn’t have let it happen, he wouldn’t have responded to Rick, relished in their evening detour to the past. His chest hurt from the closed fist slamming into him, to retrieve distance, Rick didn’t care.

“Why, just tell me what to do, help me.” Rick could feel Daryl tearing at the grip, almost close to a promise of violence if he didn’t let go. Daryl flinched at his hand before Rick could fit his palm on the side of his jaw, to try and steer his face up but Daryl wouldn’t budge even as he gently gripped it, he’d stopped pulling to get free but instead his entire body was sprung so tight he might snap at any second.

“Rick I can’t.. please, I can’t.” And Rick felt everything drop when Daryl pleaded, his fingers lost strength, loosening from the wrist, his palm fell from Daryl’s face, he’d made that, he’d caused the very hurt that surged through him from watching Daryl almost breaking down, from hearing him almost not being able to give his words the sound they needed to carry.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t.. I don’t know.. “ _For making you hurt like this, mean for this to happen, how to fix this._ He really was sorry, he really didn’t mean for it and he really didn’t know, his answers never made it far enough, even if he had them, they weren’t Daryl’s. Rick could just watch and hurt, let Daryl retreat when he did, the door clicking shut right in front of his eyes, his body sagging against the wall down onto the floor.

_“I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.”_

 


	22. Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It was safe to say Daryl hadn’t always been the most socially adapt person in the world, he’d pissed off enough people for saying stupid shit like he was born to do it and Rick, he had been no exception." Daryl came back to King County, hidden reasons and truths in Daryl's mind gets revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I did say I was going to post a long ass chapter, shit this took me forever to edit as it's nearly at 18,5k words kekek. So, that which has been going on in our secondary PoV through the last few chapters, which is one PoV I've only written once before, is actually being revealed and we get to, maybe, see some understanding behind the fuzzy parts in the chapters from them meeting again to where I left the last chapter. I mean, it's not like I'd just post what happens next right? (I swear I am not trying to kill you Mindy <3)  
> I hope ya'll enjoy it, I sure as shit love writing in Daryl perspective despite this only being the second time I am doing it.

It was safe to say Daryl hadn’t always been the most socially adapt person in the world, he’d pissed off enough people for saying stupid shit like he was born to do it and Rick, he had been no exception as a party on the receiving end of Daryl’s idiocy.

He’d always known it didn’t matter of how he’d go, he would always end up back in King County, that hadn’t changed just because he’d gotten too close to something he knew he could never have, Dixon’s weren’t gifted a happy life, he’d like to say he’d tripped over a cruel line of deceiving hope when he’d ended up in Rick Grime’s life, that he’d shut his eyes and forgotten to open them and when he’d finally done so the man had weaved his essence into his soul and so, when his time had been running out he’d greedily claimed what Rick had offered before dropping him like an infested rat that would spread its plague of affection until Daryl ruined him into nothing.

His world had stood still for painfully long seconds when he had heard that familiar voice behind him, after the shrill jingle of the bell just before it, Daryl would forever hate bells, he’d decided. His whole body had seized in function, muscles locking themselves up that he felt like a piece of gear that hadn’t been oiled, left rotting to rust, creaking loudly for every thump his heart made as he had managed to turn around and actually uttered the name he’d left behind. He hadn’t seen him for so long, he’d dreamt of his face in cold nights surrounded by the woods or at the back of his pickup truck at the first available trashy rest stop when he’d grown too tired to keep driving. He’d dreamt of the long lost feeling of Rick’s hands on his skin and Rick’s eyes as he would look at Daryl, warm like he saw and touched something of worth, while Daryl’s brain would scream _i't ain't true_.

Seeing the real deal made him want to throw up, everything was latched stuck inside him, pushing upwards like his heart was clawing its way out through his throat so it could crawl over to Rick and nestled itself tightly his arms. _Ye can’t have ‘t_ his brain would whisper as he swallowed down every attempt of his heart to beat itself upwards, to not break and ruin the future he’d set out for Rick to have. He was damn gorgeous, nothing like his dreams could muster up in pathetic attempts to re-create what he’d desperately claimed and soaked into his bones to remember him by, to remember his falsified substitute family as he rode his good bye to the one and only person who had been _something_ to him since he could remember. Rick looked at him like he was surreal, like Rick wasn’t completely convinced he was there and Daryl felt surreal because of it, he felt gone, like he was halfway between old and new.

 It was why his inability to socially communicate like a proper person had decided to make a comeback, even though Rick was one of the few people he could feel socially competent with, even when he couldn’t bear unloading everything that was wrong about him, everything Rick had wrong about him, when a part of him, the part that was bound and gagged but never stopped struggling, knew Rick would listen if he ever did unload. Still, with Rick he could function, he’d fucking liked talking to him when things were good and he knew that’s exactly why he’d let himself be fooled long enough to feel it before he could catch himself.

But before he’d shoved his foot in his mouth like the ignorant fuckup he was, he’d pulled away when Rick had reached for him, fast like his hand was a burning log toppling in his direction when he’d just wanted to adjust the pit, his mind telling him _good, ye did good, ye kno’ where yer priorities lie_. He found himself angled slightly to the side, wearingly looking at Rick and going through his options as he tried to brush it off with an apology that had most likely been the clumsiest one yet and it probably did little to cover himself up with. Then, well that’s when he’d gotten the knuckled fist straight into his cheek. The pain had split through his nerves like well defined torture, well deserved too. He hadn’t tried to stop Rick when he saw the first twitch of muscles, he knew exactly why Rick had a good reason to make the throw in the first place and pissing Rick off was better than have him weaken Daryl’s resolve, plus it served as a bonus punishment for the guilt he tried to ignore.

He hadn’t been prepared for the hug though, focused on the pain and the idle worthless conversation in between which made no real changes to the situation, at least that’s what Daryl had thought until he noticed Rick had gotten too close too fast and he’d only managed to snake his body halfway out of his reach when he was caught in his arms, safe to say something he’d said hadn’t agreed with Rick. He wanted to push him off, but his hand was almost defiantly grasping on instead of shucking him away, his brain casually whispered _ah well, the first one was important, like a first impression, don’ get too comfy ‘r ye’ll ruin it_ , the bizarre image of his brain flicking a booger to the side like it was nothing noteworthy as it talked to him wasn’t very comforting, but Rick dipping his head down on his shoulder was and his hand was gripping in the shirt before he even knew it. He was holding on.

Rick always used sweet words, fucking damn goody two-shoes, he had this thing about him that made him frightening, a commanding structure that worked just as well in the kindness of acts as they did in strict official situations. It’s why he was the perfect husband poster boy, why women turned their eyes when he walked by on the street or reached up to take that item off the top shelf she couldn’t reach, he was kind to a fault, but he could also be striking command as easily as he munched on a chocolate bar when they used to watch TV, one instant and you were fucked. The only thing that kept the two in check, kept them balanced was Rick’s damn self control constructed by his seemingly endless compassion and flawless sense of right and wrong causing the lack of an urge to demand it while a normal person would succumb to the high. But when he’d relinquished that control? Well, Daryl had seen small fragments of it, that structure when they’d fucked and he’d wavered in his own. _It’s not you know_ , Rick’s words had been cauterizing, striking hurt in his heart from just hearing it in its attempt to heal his damage, Rick attempting to make him believe otherwise.

He’d been screwed if he hadn’t had that blonde calling out to Rick, one single but fucking perfectly distracted second to pull himself from those arms to regain himself, _almost caved ye fucking pussy, when’re ye going t’ learn?_  She’d been pretty, Jessie, she had said her name was Jessie, she looked good next to Rick and so he’d brushed the bruising mark off as soon as he could, not wishing to make her weary of the man she was with. His attempt to get Rick back on the right track, one that didn’t include any defiled relationship with some trash, when Rick had felt the need to explain they weren’t together, hadn’t done the kind of effect Daryl had hoped for. Too unspecific, too soft and he’d only been left with the option to get the fuck away. And yet, when Rick called his name again he couldn’t and he’d stopped, _geez again, really?_ If only his fucking brain could shut up for one second and if Rick would just leave him the fuck be, his life would be so much easier than it currently was.

Rick had been talking shit, but it was shit that kept him standing instead of opting back to his last option, chest stumbling painfully when he said Carol had gotten his brother a stone, it kept him still and listening when Rick invited him to dinner as long as he would go and talk to Carol and Sophia, while somewhat threatening him because he wasn’t wrong, if Carol did hear of his return from Rick she’d skin him alive and it didn’t matter if he was well worked in the art of hunting and sneaking, she’d find him like a bloodhound. It had him tussle back to memory lane, the way Rick laid it out like he wanted Daryl to be there, how he proceeded to say that fucking exact thing straight out to reassure Daryl that he meant it and yea, he wanted, _but ye shouldn’t_ , Daryl believed Rick. _Fool._

His later visit to Carol had been a pain in the ass, she’d tugged at his hair roughly with the comb as she cut down the long overgrown length of his hair and he knew she didn’t blame him, but part of her was at least a little bitter regardless. Someone like Carol wouldn’t question him, because he wouldn’t question her, at least they hadn’t tried that yet, not really. Sophia however, she’d hurt right in the heart when she refused to even look at him, she wasn’t her mother even though she was strong like her, a brave kid even when she’d been lost in the woods, a child that knew the world was a scale of gray and not colors or black and white, yet didn’t fear it, she understood because she’d seen the ugly. But she was small in a big world and he’d selfishly left her along with the rest of them when she’d done nothing to deserve it, none of them had, he knew that, he knew that was the essence of him being a piece of shit. They were the two who’d cared for his brother aside from himself, Sophia and Carol had managed to pull to see the good side in Merle that he only, on rare occasions, bared for Daryl to see. Merle had accepted them, it was part of why his plan had involved freeing them of their chains to him and he hadn’t meant to reconnect after coming back, it was pretty much where he’d fucked up the most.

Carol had taken him to the stone after that, she’d held his hand in silence in the quiet of the cemetery. It was a pretty stone, not too expensive and he bit excessively on his lip when he’d seen the little figurine placed at the foot of the stone. Carol hadn’t said anything, but he thought her hand must have hurt because he was sure he’d clutched it tighter while he tried to keep himself together and she’d let him while she’d inched closer and dipped the side of her head on his shoulder. She’d been everything at that moment and for once his mind had been quiet.

He’d been halfway through his beer in the shitty rainstorm pecking the roof panels when the knock on the door had come, he’d considered just ignoring it, sour mood and rain, like he’d won the lottery because he was too childish to deal with the consequences he’d brought upon himself, but had gotten up anyway and regretted it the second he’d opened the door and he had to swallow roughly to keep his heart down, reliving the bump in like it was happening all over again, except this time Rick was absolutely forbidden with his dripping curls and wet clothes sticking to his body, the only thing he could muster up was biting out cruel words summoned from his bitter heartworm that had eaten itself inside to nest at the angry little frame saying _you shouldn’t come tomorrow, I don’t want you there._

If he were to believe Rick that would mean Sophia didn’t really hate him and that mattered. Daryl wanted to shut the door in Rick’s face but he hadn’t and Rick had jabbed him right where it already hurt, shit was going to be infected soon and it was all his doing, he was fucking doing it all over again because he’d already started caving into the warm comfort of this false pretense of a family and the warmer it got the less unreal it felt, Daryl knew this, it was like walking on thin ice except in Daryl’s case, he was sliding his ass over it so when it cracked he would go ass and balls first into the freezing dark. It suited him as punishment for the lies he was able to tell himself even though he loved Carol, he loved Sophia and he loved Rick, Judith and Carl. At least pain was a distraction better than any, be it any kind to numb his mind, to become indifferent, to become something he wasn’t.

Rick had a way of just being that weakened Daryl, it deprived him of becoming that nothing which he believed would save him. For one, he’d chosen to comment on the shoe rule and Daryl didn’t know if he was supposed to be up or down, right or left, he was just unsettled, what he did know though, when they’d gotten outside and he saw Rick had fucking gotten his car stuck in the mud on his lot, was that he was getting Rick back to his apartment at any cost and that meant as soon as possible. His frame in the rain was damn near slitting his throat from the way it clenched together, thirsty like he’d wandered the desert for a hundred years and Rick was his water, there was no fucking way he was going to let himself be stranded alone with him, not even for the short tops 45minutes or so it would take to either push his car out or connect a wire to his pickup to pull it loose.

It had meant a quiet and awkward ride in Daryl’s truck, a bit pissy yeah, drenched, definitely, and although he didn’t mind the quiet, Rick did when he reached for the stereo. Then he fucking regretted saying anything in the first place, after the conversation had started he slipped into it, he blamed Carol and his visit to the cemetery the day before, otherwise, even if it mixed with the topic being his travels, he probably wouldn’t have shared what he did with Rick about his brother and him, or maybe, he would have. There was no knowing when it was Rick, he was dangerous when Daryl’s guard faltered, he was fucking dangerous because he made it falter to begin with, it was why he tried so hard to keep it unrelenting. Had Rick been a cruel man, Daryl would have been well practiced in that skill, but Rick wasn’t and without the malicious intent to hurt, it proved to be a great deal harder. Shit, it had made him tease the guy.

Reaching the apartment Daryl had secretly wished he could have ripped his heart out and tossed it out the window on the way over to let it rot in a ditch. Carol’s smile had been too forgiving, too knowing because fuck if she could really see him from the inside and still be able to smile, looking like she could find something pretty left in the messy junkyard brain and heart of his. After that, when Sophia had eyed him from behind her mother he wished he’d not only been able to rip it out and toss it out the window, he wished he could have infested it with mold, stabbed it a couple of times and chucked it with a syringe of the filthiest hobo-heroin that would flat line him beyond saving.

He’d crouched down, one knee hitting the hard tiled little boxed area just inside of the door while his heart, very deeply still inside him beating and not in a ditch on the side of the road, shoved itself into a bucket of razor sharp glass shards, it was overwhelming. Rick had moved away, Rick hadn’t particularly mattered at that point, Sophia had, only the sound of her steps as she got closer and how she’s stopped before him when he’d reached his arm out, the nerv-breaking moment before she tucked her arms around his neck and he couldn’t do anything but cave into her hug, it felt like she was the grown up and he was the kid. He was thankful of Carol’s ever insistent care the moment she led Rick away, it didn’t take long for his heart to crash and road rash itself with the little arms holding onto him tightly, his eyes welling while he just repeated _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry._ He’d made Sophia promise to never tell anyone that he’d somewhat cried, she’d held out her pinkie and he’d hooked his own with hers and they’d shook on it once.

He’d started to understand why even such a man as his brother had softened to anyone aside himself after they’d spent a few extra minutes in the hallway, Sophia had let him wipe his snot away on his sleeve, then the wetness around his eyes and then she’d called him gross when he’d wiped around hers. But they’d shared a smile at it and he’d teased her about knowing what she got herself into from the beginning. Like he’d made her promise, her pinkie had been put in front of him again, she’d set her eyes sternly in his before she’d asked him to promise he wouldn’t leave like that again, he’d linked his pinkie with hers again and they had shook their second deal that evening.

The dinner had been all about readjusting to the game of social interactions, it wasn’t his strongest suit, it was awkward and he was uncomfortable as hell in the beginning, but he had come around after a while, looking at Rick helped, hearing his brain whisper _Uh-oh, someone’s going t’ be in trouble, ye sure ye want to disappoint him again?_ Didn’t. So he tried to not look at him after that, kept his focus on the kids and Carol as he grew more and more comfortable being part of the table again, it kept his brain from whispering malicious truths through dinner, like it had pulled a tactical retreat for itself, waiting for the next opportunity to strike.

Daryl would have thought that moment was when Rick asked if he needed any help with the dishes, his brain cruelly didn’t even have to whisper, he’d just somehow ended up there anyway, breaking an old habit and all that psychological crap he guessed. Carol’s glare had burned the side of his skull all the way from the table, much to his mistake he’d looked over to her and understood her promise of personally mutilating him with a… he wasn’t sure if it was a butter knife or a nail clipper, but it wasn’t anything that felt very encouraging to taunt and as soon as he’d said fine she’d innocently started wiping the table, humming to herself and he’d cursed her as the devil herself.

It had taken some time, much like adjusting back to the dinner routine, to not crawl out of his skin at Rick’s close presence, knowing if he got too close Daryl would slip right over like it was “an accident” and he maintained a distance to keep Rick from pulling any shitty pranks on him, if he would initiate the touch he could control it, when Rick did it, he couldn’t. He’d thought partly it was a mistake to have gone to the dinner, to have listened to the temptation of the invitation, to feel the warm home again, partly he convinced himself he could make do with this amount, balance the perfect distance of friend and stranger, part of him knew it was unreasonable but he didn’t listen to that opinion during that evening.

 

 _“Why are you being stubborn about this?”  
“Ain’t yer business.”  
“It’s not, I just want you to think about it, not from how you know things to be like you always do, but from what you really want. Oh, real mature blowing smoke in my face, you’re a damn ray of sunshine.”  
“’s what ye get.”  
“It’s a suggestion okay?”  
“Well, I didn’t ask fer it.  
“But you’re getting it anyway..”  
__“Ye kno’ ‘t can’t be like that, ain’t meant for it.”  
“No, you know that and you’re not really someone who’s unfair, so don’t be an asshole pretending to be, it doesn’t suit you and it’s cruel to Rick.”  
“I ain’t talkin’bout this.”  
“Fine, but you know what Pookie? It’s a shame.”  
“What is.”  
“It’s a shame because if there’s anyone you should pick? It’s Rick, he wouldn’t let you down.”  
“Ye done?”  
“Yeah, I’m done.” _ 

 

Carol had held her eyes firm on him when their time on the terrace was running toward its end and she’d her last piece in their sacred privacy, watching him listen to every word he’d once told her, saw it twisting him inside for all he knew, he wanted to look away but he couldn’t, just the silence of the evening, the light traffic, his cigarette burning itself to death limply between his fingers. She believed it, just like she’d believed him way back when. He didn’t reject her hand when she pulled his head down to kiss him on his forehead, no matter how much he felt his instinct to flinch kicking and screaming for him to do so, skin crawling, throat tight and lungs empty, unable to refill. He almost believed it too, he really wanted to. _He may not, but you will._

She’d stroked his hair after that, letting him off the hook with the staring contest, she’d just been present with him and him with her, until Sophia opened the door and pulled him inside and his evil devil of a friend announced that they were leaving, pointedly looking at him a moment too long in her offer to him, a very precious time of privacy accordingly to her eyes, telling him to just suck it up and talk to Rick and he’d glared at her in return. Fucking schemer that woman, getting under his skin and the worst part was she never got involved enough to her hands dirty.

He almost did, if he was honest. Rick was peeling his layer off faster than a master chef, in the simple assumption that Daryl would have stayed, Rick was breaking him down faster than Daryl could build back up when he’d gotten finished with his shoes and saw Rick’s broken face, he’d have to decide in that moment, one decision which was final. He needed some isolation, the quiet, needed to be nothing for one night, so he said no and he had swatted Rick on the arm, approximately with the same amount of scrounged up friendliness he had found at the diner which he surprised himself of possessing that late in the evening, to excuse his pathetic cowardice. Rick really could be it, but Daryl couldn’t.

* * *

The lukewarm evening half of a beer he’d left at home had left a sour taste in his mouth when he’d woken up in the morning, at least he blamed it on his beer and not his weakened ability to resist that which he had swore off the second he’d driven his pickup back into town. It was messed up, he’d thought he’d gotten rid of the want for something more, settled for future years alone, going through the motions, work and drinking, sleeping, hunting and dreaming of Rick whilst wishing he had never met the man to begin with.

It would be enough, he’d make it enough, to be around, together with Sophia and Carol, at least him being part of their life wouldn’t affect the grand outcome of it all, he wouldn’t rob them from a future, nor would he rob Rick of settling down suburban style with a house, wife, his kids and possibly a dog. His shitty taste that crawled along his gums intensified when his brain whispered _yeah ye kno’ what he deserves an’ ye kno’ what ye don’._ It wasn’t much of a comfort compared to his brains last words from the previous night.

Daryl didn’t bother to make coffee as he got up he just packed his bow and headed straight out for a fast paced track, his freezer was empty after all, hadn’t been able to stock up much after going back to Dale who’d happily accepted him back. He had headed east, further away from town, going high tempo through the terrain, figuring he could do two birds with one stone, wear himself down while scoring food. It had probably been his best idea since he’d come back to town and he definitely felt the building strain working as he had intended. Just before noon he’d soaked himself down in sweat, feeling the blissful blur of exhaustion after having the early summer sun beating down on him for about two hours. He’d bagged two hares and a snake when he started making his way back, the game wouldn’t last too long but it would have to suffice until he got his bolt into a deer, maybe he could even catch that owl that had been whoo:ing for a couple of days, shoot that annoying fucker right from his porch with a smoke between his lips and a half empty beer on the railing if he was lucky.

He’d cleaned up the meat as he got back to the cabin and fried one hare up right away to silence his grumbling stomach, the second hare he’d cut rough and bagged before shoving it into the freezer and the snake, it went into the fridge, snake wasn’t really a big hit after being frozen although, in desperate times it happened. The rain had let up early morning sometime, judging from the puddles out front, then it had stopped raining altogether just before he’d left, clearing up fast into a bright and shiny blue sky, really reminding him he was _back_ and he had given it another hour to dry up after eating before he’d hooked the wire to Rick’s car and pulled it loose. If he could choose though, he’d found some way to avoid any further encounters with him so soon, but he’d made his choice, rather opting to a second one today than being stuck alone together before he’d enough time to prepare himself to shut any idiotic thoughts such as yearning or how everything about the man that was perfect, down. For good measure, he waited another hour before he got in his car to go and get him.

Daryl knew straight away it was pure karma slapping him in the face when the door had opened. Without the darkened and moody sky, the rest was pretty similar with the way his curls were still wet and had dripped wet patches on his white t-shirt, fucking fresh out of the shower like a god damn joke delivery service.

“Alright, lessgo’.” He urged, in a way it was good he thought, Daryl hadn’t showered after his hunt, he’d washed his hands but he was still caked with sweat and dirt, probably had a piece of tendon stuck to his pants somewhere, compared to a freshly showered stand up guy like Rick it would be a stark reminder on their roles in life, how far apart they were and so, this unfortunate turn of events could serve some proper purpose at least, not that it did much to soothe his treacherous urge to watch him like you’d smell a freshly baked muffin.

 _“Sure, just a sec.”_ Rick almost stumbled over his own foot when he had turned and Daryl, as much as he would have liked to, kept his eyes away from the apartment, waiting without going inside, door open and everything. When Rick came back he’d swapped his sweats for a pair of dark blue jeans but had kept the white t-shirt, he’d scooped up his keys and wallet on his way through the hallway before sliding his feet into his shoes, all set and ready to go.

The dead stereo in the car provided as much of a break to the silence like it had the previous day and Daryl made a note to fix that piece of shit sometime in the near future. The stale topics in the car revolved mainly around Rick’s car and the state of it, to which he informed Rick that it was out of the mud pit a while before he left to get Rick. Then Rick attempted to ask around yesterdays dinner, asked if it was nice and telling Daryl they had missed having him around, all to which he didn’t really know how to respond so he’s said _I guess_ and shrugged at the second statement, making a point that it probably didn’t matter if they did or didn’t.  

Throughout half of the ride back to Daryl’s place, Rick had tried covering his yawns by biting together his jaws whenever one started forcing its way through, blocking his mouth with the back of his hand, after enough of them Daryl had to ask him if he slept alright, guessing the answer was no after they just wouldn’t stop coming. Rick had waved his hand in front of him and said he’d ended up too long on the couch watching TV, hadn’t noticed how the clock kept ticking past midnight and gave a weak little laugh which only made Daryl suspect it hadn’t been late night watching but fuck if that was his business anyway, he wasn’t supposed to get invested again and yet he’d still asked because it did bother him. Rick had steered the conversation to his morning instead, right, not his business so that was fine, he could be on board for that evasion. So he’d talked about the track, not the unnecessary part about him rashly running through it and possibly missing a deer because of it. But that he’d gotten two hares and a snake, Rick didn’t even question his choice of snake after the skunk story and he had probably assumed Daryl had eaten anything walking or crawling in the woods at that point, if he did he wasn’t wrong.

In the light of the day Daryl watched Rick really take in the mud pit he’d driven his car into, it probably hadn’t been so poor and soft when he’d actually put his car in park there, but the weight of the vehicle pushing down on it even for the short amount of time it had taken for Rick to guilt and convince Daryl into coming, had crushed what little structure the dirt had, giving in and sinking the tires down deep enough they were still visible as four oval dips.

“Gon’ have t’ fill ‘t in with gravel, part o’it.” Daryl viewed the magical mud car-sized splotch of destruction for the second time that day, words slipping as a note to himself as something to do within the coming days, added to fixing the stereo in the car, though Rick’s apologetic sorry pulled his attention over to his curls, lips, eyes, no, just his face, perfectly looking normally at the person you were talking to.

“Ain’t yer fault, was dark ‘n too much rain, happens.” He shrugged although of course, if Rick hadn’t come over it wouldn’t have happened, neither if he came over but without the rain, he wasn’t sure if it made it better for Rick either way but it was the best he could offer with his limited choice of friend-like support.

Daryl saw Rick’s attention slide over to the garage, the door still open after he’d gotten the spare wire, the back of Merle’s bike showing just inside since he hadn’t bothered to move it further in when he’d unloaded it from the bed of the truck, better space to work on it at the doors anyway.

 _“Nothing like before huh, can I look?”_ Rick asked, almost eagerly and it was strange, for someone like Rick, a bike usually just looked like any other bike, except for major model differences, okay maybe the rebuild had given his brothers bike a pretty decent make-over enough for some normal like Rick to notice.

“Sure.” _Send’im home, ain’t no use for ye t’ spend more time alone with ‘im_. Shit, it really wasn’t but he was following Rick around the mudded area while he told his brain to shape up, that if it was going to keep him in line and insult his decisions, it better do it before he actually agrees to shit. Rick had smoothly slid into the garage, hovering over the bike with its new parts, all shiny and freshly cleaned because at least Daryl had tucked her in properly, so shiny yes but she was already carrying various parts from around the country and tiny scratches from riding her around whenever he left the truck parked somewhere.

“I’m not even sure it’s his bike anymore.” _Alright I’m with ye this time, don’ go all sappy ‘cus it’s about your bro.._ Daryl sat crouched to the right of the frame guiding Rick’s eyes to the engraved initials of M.D while brushing his brain off, this was an okay exception.

“Kept this part, had t’replace most ‘f it, could save part ‘f t’main frame, took some time but, was worth ‘t.” He explained, moving his hand along his work, he’d have to replace the engine and re-fit the new one, same went for the tires and break system, but it was too much talk to bother with. Rick did ask some more about the bike, like the one nasty chunk into the tank caused by a chip from a car he’d passed in, well, Daryl had said reasonable speed, said it must have been an inch from his lower arm but he that wasn’t sure if he’d preferred that of the damaged metal in the tank. It was always a tricky question. Most of the other scrapes he didn’t have much of a clue, called it general use damage that happens from time to time, but they were easy to fix if you had the tools for it.

Throughout the motor talk that Rick had easily slipped him into, Daryl had to readjust himself a couple of times when Rick swayed too close for his picked space of _safe_ distance, feeling that nervy crawl to his skin again whenever Rick breached too close to the border, all flowing so naturally that Daryl didn’t have a clue if he was doing it consciously or not. Rick’s shirt straining from hunching down, almost revealing his tight skin, slicked onto his muscles in the small of his back, maybe just once, Daryl would look. In theory it sounded perfect but he knew that’s what every drug addict would say about another hit, knew Merle had said it more than a couple of times in their youth when living sober, that _just once_ , was never just once more and Daryl was well aware himself, they had just had different choice in aid to cope, should his littering with empty bottles of various liquor prove any points and Rick? Shit maybe he’d need to drive over to Atlanta and find himself some dingy trash bar to get himself fucked nice and proper in the toilet until he forgot how he knew him to begin with, preferably completely wasted. He’d come close a few times, well all different stages of close but in the end he’d always backed off, hadn’t wanted some stranger.

The first one he’d let chat with him, he’d curled his tongue around the words, leaning in closer before retreating after a warning growl in his direction, but he’d kept chatting, saying shit like Daryl was some hot piece of ass and the things he would do to his cock was beyond him. He’d drawn the line when the dude had touched his thigh to stroke it, get the blood flowing, like it was sexy. If Rick did it, depending on how heated the situation was, it probably would be, if not it would be sensational, would make him tremble. But that guy hadn’t been Rick, _Fuck off._

The second one had been a twisted chick with a little more than an edge to her, she’d been borderline crazy, sweet talking like her tongue was personally crafted by whatever god she believed in, but then she’d possessively cage him in whenever someone passed them by, didn’t even have to be any person that wanted to approach either of them, she’d flared aggressively regardless, he’d considered she could possess the traits of destruction to bring him into ruin. But then again it could have been those somewhat brown curls of hers, ruined by those bright highlights, her air and desire to command didn’t make him want to give in to submission, she was malformed in her need to dominate, Rick wasn’t, _Fuck off_.

Around the third one he’d been drunk enough to not remember much, just the moment he’d backed off with the button of his pants popped, hanging on his hips. He’d been convinced at that point his dick was long gone and dead forever, not even twitching to the mere suggestion and promise of a good time, the way the filthy mouth of the guy insisted on sucking his dick back to life, all the things that he could do, sweetly laced by dirty talk on how Daryl wouldn’t be able to walk for three days straight after the guy was done with him, but he’d felt nothing when the button had popped open, _fuck off._

It hadn’t worked back then, but maybe it would with added desperation, _just go ‘n replace ‘im with some trash dick that can match yer filthy ass_. He didn’t think that it would actually work, probably wouldn’t, his life wasn’t anything like it had been before he’d happened upon Rick, but he had started the math on how much he would have to drink to be able to pull it off, he’d have to be a goner most likely and either it would serve as means to rub Rick out of his system or some guy would end up with a broken lip and a tooth or two missing, and Daryl wouldn’t remember any of it in the morning.

“You said you trashed it?” Rick’s voiced pulled him back from what scotch he’d have and the amounts, how many vodka shots included to that and the endless beer to get him nicely removed from his own head.

“Mhm, was pissed at ‘im, when they called ‘n ye kno’.” He said, watching Rick nod thoughtfully to himself before getting up, hands on knees while he pushed the weight, Daryl instinctively swayed himself a step back.

“How did it.. happen?” Rick asked, didn’t sound so sure it was a good idea. Speaking of addiction, at least in his own mind, Rick should have listened to himself, he didn’t feel the excessive joy of explaining that once a junkie, clean or not, given the wrong prerequisites like being stuck in a prison, was always a junkie. Merle had known it, Daryl had too. Sooner or later he’d trip over the sweet toxins, it was why he’d had said Carol and Sophia shouldn’t come to the visits, he didn’t have to read that fucking letter he still had in his cabin either, still sealed, he knew already what was in it. He almost came right out and said; _probably with a fat lost grin ‘n ‘is face ‘n a needle‘n ‘is arm_., well at least he didn’t.

“Common, ye got yer car.” His swayed step away from Rick advanced, leading him out from the garage. It was enough talking for today anyway, enough alone time with Rick that reminded him exactly why he was supposed to avoid it, Rick made it hard to keep the lines from blurring.

“Sorry, I’ll get out of your way, but you know you’re welcome to come over if you want, could watch a movie? Carl has this new one he won’t stop talking about, we’re probably going to watch it next week.” Great, now Rick was apologizing when he’d been the one to mention his passing in the first place, leading Rick right into asking because he was so stupidly kind to offer his concern like it was nothing, like he used to do before, like he thought Daryl still needed it. Fuck, maybe he did, _can’t have ‘t tho’_ , no. He couldn’t have it.

“Nah, got ‘nough hangin’ around, supposed t’ go over t’ Carol’s ‘n all. Sophia had m’promise.” Just like that, establish distance, then boundaries, make it clear they’re not going to slide right back into spending time together on a regular basis. It took him a minute, a hard to watch one, due to the hard draw of a line on Rick’s lips, but the man nodded and managed a lopsided smile from that previous line before excusing himself.

Daryl desperately needed another hunt after that.

* * *

At least juggling work, hunting and getting Carol off his back had served as a proper distraction enough, to keep his head in the game, plus the comfort of his brain reminding him for every turn he was about to make, that it was the wrong one. His freezer had been pleased with him though, Sunday and Monday had provided him with yet more small game but Tuesday he’d come upon a deer making the mistake of venturing into Dixon land, thankfully close enough that he’d time to track it down and bagging it before work. She’d been a pretty one, not too big but she’d be good enough for him to last.

Then at work Dale had been busting his ass since he’d come back, the man had happily handed him his job back but not without some sting to it. Daryl hadn’t minded though, he’d left Dale hanging too, leaving a note barely saying _I’m fuckin’ myself off_ between the lines, wasn’t exactly considered a formal way to quit your job and if anything, it was exactly what he’d needed. The new hire that had taken his place had picked up his slack efficiently, proving his worth as Daryl had watched him work on his first week back. It had felt good to know he’d been around since the time he’d left, although lacking experience he’d been a quick learner from what Daryl could tell, quick on his feet and the kid had guts too, so he liked the guy. Had a natural adapt to engines with a thought through head, it wasn’t a bad combination at all and it seemed the old man knew the kid from before, which made sense when Maggie Green started dropping by the shop on a frequent basis with smooching kisses and thoughtful gifts in the form of food, so the kid was involved with Maggie, who’s father was a friend of Dale’s, so yeah, that’s how it had happened.

Carol and Sophia had him over twice during the week, Monday and Tuesday evening they’d shoved dinner down his throat before Sophia had occupied him for the rest of the evening, daringly claiming Puzzle Tuesday’s along with it, well now he had a damn fun idea of what he’d be up to every fucking Tuesday evening. He hadn’t talked too much with Carol aside from her teasing him and him retorting, but she seemed content whenever Sophia was smiling, turning the strings as he instructed her on how to knot a hook in different ways depending on the situation, and what you were fishing for. Content even when they didn’t really do anything, just watched whatever movie Sophia would pick, one evening with an animated story he hadn’t followed too much as it ran, the second had been a documentary about wild life including Daryl replying to a bunch of questions to the best of his ability. But it had been nice, normal, some time to spend outside his brain, cleansing and resetting his buttons from Rick’s fingers pressing on them and how he had this way of talking that so easily twisted him, either pissing him off or making him grow soft, usually pissed off because he’d grown soft. Falling into his step over and over again like Rick was some damn kryptonite of his. Well, shit, he already knew he was and Carol’s remark from the balcony had constantly been circling around his head whenever he didn’t focus enough to not think about it.

He knew it would become his everyday life, working, hunting, well those two weren’t much different but he was almost being imprisoned at the Peletier’s and it wasn’t exactly, their fault either, because come Wednesday he’d found himself driving over before he had a second to think it through, in fact even if he’d paid money for that second, the conclusion would have been the same and he knew he’d do it again. He just wasn’t comfortable admitting he needed to be there, he wanted to see Sophia happy, he wanted to have Carol tinkering around in the background, have her join him on her tiny little balcony with one flower bed and two potted ones, one of which, he used as an ash tray and Carol didn’t seem to mind. He wasn’t weak, he wasn’t fucking dependant, but he damn well loved them and he didn’t have to occupy his fucking brain with curls and blue eyes, gait in the step or slack but close fitting jeans worn out from simply preferring the comfort of said pair, because god damn what was Rick if anything but fucking perfect. It was pissing him off, along with how he always chucked the phone away from him when he got home or went to Carol’s, stubbornly protesting the deniable and tiny, very squashable want to find something on the screen wittht _his_ name on it. It wasn’t about them, he wanted to be there yes, but he wanted _him_ too, Rick tinkering, Rick reading a book on the sofa, Rick stirring in the kitchen, Rick’s sleep ridden mumbles, Rick’s weight as it shifted close, Rick’s hands.. _fuckin’ stop ‘fore ye hurt yerself._ Damn it for simply jump starting his subscription once he’d gotten back, he should have smashed the phone along with Merle’s bike instead of leaving it behind, then he’d have a reason for it saying unknown number on a new one. Would only help tiny shit though, he knew he’d memorized  the number already, but at least his fucking name wasn’t going to be on the screen. He could delete it, wouldn’t make a difference, except he really couldn’t, and it really would.

 _“What.”_ Of course Rick fucking Grimes had turned up at the peak of his vision, shit he hadn’t even needed to see the man, just the car was enough for him to know who it was. One swoozy hand waving to him in the air as Daryl slowed down until he’d stopped at _their_ rest stop, no shit, it wasn’t theirs, it was simply part of the public road. They hadn’t seen each other since he’d kicked him off his land, only his brain whispering his name and Carol talking about him on occasion and he knew, he shouldn’t have gotten out of his car, but he had as if he was obligated to because of that stupid look on the man’s face. It was stupid, silly, dorky, some shame wrapped into it but sweet, warm, intoxicating.

 _“Didn’t want to bother you at the cabin, thought you know, just.. sorry for asking too much last time, I never knew him.”_ What was he getting at anyway, Rick spoke as if he was unsure anything would enter Daryl’s brain, slow and deliberate while all kindness and an honesty that made Daryl question his intentions. Right, his cabin, the car and Merle. It had been a stupid dispute, nothing to apologize for, nothing for someone like him anyway, not for the kind of world he was used to, you got kicked, you got over it, perhaps you kicked back, something like that? Shit, Rick was there apologizing with that stupid look on his face when it had just been a convenient fucking excuse for Daryl and Rick was probably thinking he’d gotten upset at the memory of Merle and not for the fact that Rick asked as if they still did those things, like he was allowed to care like that. It didn’t require the shit Rick was pulling, therefore, he must have been aiming for something, winning him over, playing with his mind for Rick to get his way again, kindness to make a homeless dog loyal. He’d tried to hold on to any excuses or possible fucked up ways to explain it, give a reason to himself to keep grudging on Rick but fuck if they didn’t hold up in the end, Rick wasn’t like that. He was, honest, kind, always had been, he’d care whether Daryl liked it or not and fuck if he couldn’t completely deny that he did _like it_. _Don’t have t’give ye a reson t’set ‘t straight ye kno, ye can let it slip right here._

“’s okay, I didn’t stop ye, shouldn’t have gotten annoyed, yer one ‘f t’few who gave some shit about ‘im despite his.. less charmin’ personality.” And wasn’t that the truth, when the old shit had started to go down, he had, Carol had, fucking hell Daryl had people who had given a shit about Merle fucking Dixon of all people. Rick had gone out of his way for them back then, it was fucking embarrassing, Dixon’s didn’t get touched. Yet, he couldn’t stop it. _Either ye listen or ye don’, gotta make up yer mind_. Later, for now he would just try and prevent Rick from going those lengths again.

 _“It feels weird because I remember all he ever did to me was annoy my ass, ‘cus of his loud mouth at the station, but I kind of wished I could have known him a little better.”_ At least he didn’t have to be embarrassed for too long, let off the hook from his own touchy-feely downhill tumble and couldn’t hold back on the amusement he felt when he tried to picture this bizarre scene of his brother and Rick ever getting along that popped up, yeah it didn’t sit right.

“Don’t. Ye’d be ‘t eachother’s throat all damn day long. Would’ve been a pain.” And it would have, been one big ginormous hemorrhoid crack pain right in the mid fucking ass, bleeding nice and messy, and it would all have been Merle’s fault, thick headed cunt he’d been all his life, Rick wouldn’t feel that hemorrhoid, he’d get the bitching but the rest? That, Daryl would get. Merle wouldn’t question it too much, depending on how far it went, because they didn’t, unless they were pushed until they fell and _needed_. Fuck, what was he doing entertaining Rick? Especially doing it in a way that spoke of Merle as if he was still sunbathing his pale ass in the backyard of the cabin, alive and well.

 _“Highly likely, but he’d also come around, I am a strong believer in humans.”_ Rick had said partway into his thoughts, possibly being the reason why they had gone as far as they did. Merle wasn’t much of a contemplation to have around others, he was good for an evening on the sofa with a beer in his hand, condensation dripping from the glass because he forgot to drink from it, on occasion he’d found himself talking to the dead man when his thoughts wandered, and this wasn’t that. Rick was being silly, enough that it untangled several knots in Daryl’s stomach, he was fucking alright with Rick doing it, so light and he shone, damn so bright.

“Sure ’s shit he would.” He replied, occupying himself with his smoke, which, by the speed of needy assistance, would burn up in no time, but not without thinking that Rick said he may have wished he knew him better, fuck if he wasn’t somewhat right about Merle, had somehow managed to get a grasp around him, because fuck, he would have come around. He always had for him, Merle was just slow about it for the most of it.

 _“You said you always talked about moving but you never did?”_  Rick sought for his attention again, _Mr. Grimes calling for Daryl Dixon_ and thank fuck, he almost felt his thoughts would have spiraled into a less lit road, steep and winding, down down down. It still was, he could see it, pitch dark and bottomless, it wasn’t Rick’s fault, he only asked because Daryl had been stupid enough to tell him. Of course, back when he had he hadn’t thought about the truth to it, rather he’d been fond of remembering it. Now though, he was only one in the equation when two was required.

“m’yeh, shit ‘r not ‘s home.” But he’d question if _home_ really was the result of that equation, mainly once he’d started heading back to King County. The two of them had always been a constant, they’d spent years apart as well as together. It didn’t seem to matter, because the end had always been the same, Merle and him, they’d survived together through thick and thin when they’d been able to stick together. The mere thought of moving had been a foreign and exhilarating quest to them, the promise of a freedom unknown, a hidden treasure in a way but that which they knew, once found, held nothing but an empty casket, a child’s dream. Yet they had liked to dream even if that made them nearly, innocent. When it was just the two of them, they talked about cities they’d driven to when they’d been traveling on their bikes, talked about the states with the best hunting grounds, for Daryl it had been game, for Merle, chicks. Content evenings and sometimes on their breaks at Dale’s with a smoke in each of their hands, they’d travel together inside conversation despite knowing that they would never really leave. One junk fried brain and another detached and socially uncomfortable one wasn’t dumb enough to actually believe they’d fit anywhere else, belong anywhere else, because they didn’t. Growing up where they had, and all the shit that had come with it, may have enabled them to dream while still being able to see the reality for what it was, but it hadn’t taken away their sense of _home_ , hadn’t deprive them of their connection to it after they’d claimed it as their own , not even when everything they.. he, tied to it was stained, broken, ugly, but it had been home, he still tried to hold on to that but he knew his grip was slipping. He’d asked himself if he really should have started heading back, if maybe he should just have kept drifting. He could started a new life somewhere else because it hadn’t been about _them_ anymore, it didn’t matter where when _home_ had become something fickle. Once, there in King County, it had been theirs, but now? It was just _his_.  Pitch black, dark and winding, no bottom to be found. Merle wasn’t there anymore and there was never going to be anything but ashes in King County. So he’d asked himself after one too many drinks, a few than a couple of times, why they had never moved anywhere, he’d gone over the similar answers leading around and to the meaning of _home_ , then he asked himself if he ever really had a one anymore. He had never answered that question.

 _“It is, isn’t it. I thought I’d be crazy for moving back here after Judith’s birth, everything was so chaotic, I was still recovering after the shooting and Lori she was.. empty, in the end I couldn’t possibly work the hours I was pulling before the coma and with Judith on my own, Atlanta got overwhelming. But when I passed the welcome sign here, I knew it was the right choice, it doesn’t exactly count as a fresh start since I used to live here as a kid, but I could breathe again.”_ Oh but he shone, lighting up the second path of the fork pit that had stayed shaded, a beacon of light pulling his attention away from the dark, asking him to come with. He had, back then, after fighting it, he’d let himself forget for a while, let the truth stay in its sealed box, it had made him an asshole because he’d known it all, sealed or not and he’d taken it anyway, knowing he would have to leave it behind.

 _Why do you have to be stubborn about this._ She’d said _. Because he fucking had to. Because of fucking this, Carol._

 _“Lori came with me, to be close to Carl. I think she needed it as much as I did, and she knew in her head that Judith was hers, she just couldn’t feel it. We didn’t know if she’d bounce back from it, but she did and now I am not even sure why I am saying all this when you’re looking at me like that.”_  Somewhere along the soothing voice of Rick, the way he spoke slow while he remembered his own struggle, his own reason for moving back to King County, the dark path next to the shiny one had faded, he noted, it made him frown. Watching Rick from the side, finding his heart aching at the thought of that little girl being rejected by her mother. The bitch, she, no.. Lori, he corrected himself, he didn’t know her as someone who couldn’t feel for her daughter, she fucking came and picked the kids up at Rick’s every now and then, she cared, she’d been a fucking mother and that’s what he had known, some fine shallow shit, his knowledge had been. Hell he’d never held a conversation or shaken hands with her so he didn’t actually know her, he didn’t want to either, just a mere few words from Rick had snapped her the bitch title she didn’t deserve because, as Rick spoke, Daryl wasn’t ignorant about the fact that she’d had her own complications, Rick had said she’d known. He’d been smack in the middle of all that and then decided it had been a good fucking idea to deal with him and Merle like it was nothing.

“Ye were ‘n t’ fuckin’ coma ‘cus ye got fuckin' shot? Two kid’s ‘n yer own ‘n ye had t' deal with Merle,‘n I was bein’ a pain in t’ass while ye had a fuckin’ hole in yer stomach. Fucking hell Grimes.” Alright, fucking fine, Rick shone out of his ass on all days of the week but he was fucking stupid, innocently stupid, the last thing he’d needed was him and Merle. The added pressure to his life that must have been added, and it hadn’t been just one thorn in the side, but two. Life sure as shit didn’t get better with Dixon’s in it, everyone knew that.

 _“What, didn’t you ever wonder why I flew like a glove when you hit me in the face?”_ It didn’t make laughter bubble inside him, few things did, especially not this one, not even with Rick’s pretty grin smiling at him like it should have. Rick shouldn’t be smiling, he should be holding a fucking grudge, not that Daryl held any regrets, Rick had been talking shit and he’d known nothing but shit back then, he didn’t regret the anger he’d directed at the man but fuck if it didn’t feel at least a little wrong to have smacked him on his ass knowing now he was still recovering. _I just want you to think about it,_ shut up Carol, he didn’t need the two of them to team up, Rick’s wide smile and Carol’s words of concern, dare he even say they had been said lovingly. _‘s how they destroy ye kno’, peel ye down nice an’ raw, ‘fore they.._

 _“Alright fine, not funny. But I swear I was a lot better already when I first met Carol and still, a little funny?”_ Daryl watched Rick keep his attempt up, to get it approved, the man could be damn well stubborn if he wanted to, if he had to, _if_ they were going to be stuck together, but at least he was offering to meet Daryl halfway. His eyes following the fingers in the air, he wanted to tell Rick to fuck off for even using that, it was beside the point, nothing but a remembrance of another tumble down the Dixon road and yet, he itched to take the offer and meet Rick at least on this particular halfway. Choking down his urge he spat on the ground, creating a nice little disgusting grave for the smoke to die in.

 _I just want you to think about it,_ she tried again. There was nothing to think about, he told her that in his head but she just withdrew for a moment of breath before she came back, coming at him with old ammunition.

 _Why are you being stubborn about this?_ He didn’t miss how the word _you_ had been slow, emphasized, speaking of stubbornness and all that, while trying not to think about the fact that it was all him that had done it, she may have said it but he’d laid the weight on that one word like she probably had intended for it to be. He almost forgot he was standing with Rick, distracted by her fucking words. Rick was, truly stubborn, if the man wanted to, Daryl knew that. _That’s exactly why, if I ain’t, he’ll realize._

 _“It’s going to have to be funny at some point.”_ Daryl rolled his eyes, now he was just being silly again, Rick didn’t quit. They were similar like that, Daryl mused, Rick and Carol, and it was exactly why he was back in the mess. If Daryl chose to keep staying in their make shift family he’d need learn how to co-exist again, he knew he shouldn’t, and fuck he would have been able to if he’d gotten more time before running in to that curly mop on the side of a fucking street. Fucking coincidence, he’d flip the universe off on his way home because it had royally screwed him over, he couldn’t completely stay away anymore.

“Jus’ shut up.” _And stop making my gut warm with that silly sway of yours._

 _“Right, well, I should have apologized sooner but I am here today and I’m closing in to overstaying my welcome, so, see you tomorrow then?”_ Like he had a fucking choice? Well he did but, he really didn’t, no reason yet would make him feel good enough for ditching, he’d become more of an asshole than he already was if he did. Though, it wouldn’t be completely outside of his comfort zone, _embrace yer blood, ye don’ need t’give a shit ye kno’?_

“Mmhm, ain’t nothin’ comin’ up yet so’s I guess.” _Don’ hafta, but t’sidelines be fine._

_“I think Carol was talking about some peach dessert, pretty sure you don’t want to miss it.”_

“Whatever.”

* * *

Daryl wasn’t supposed to pay that much attention to him, he had to keep it leveled, balanced, keep Rick right there with the perfect distance so he’d finally get over himself and ask that blonde out, she’d make him happy, she’d been nice. Daryl didn’t usually like women, he was pretty sure he didn’t like _Jessie_ either, alright fine, he didn’t like people in general. But he’d try if it made Rick content with house, kids and a wife, maybe he’d be thrown into the bizarre coincidence of coming across an abandoned puppy that he could make Rick adopt, the man would have the whole package at that point and he could relish in the thought that in a fucked up way, that puppy role would be the way he could be a part of Rick’s family. No shit, screw that, he didn’t need family, _Only a simple splotch ‘f dirt on t’ family registration papers, anyone would try t’ wipe ye off, seein’t can’t be done an’ jus’ print a new, good riddance_. He’d briefly entertained the idea of going to Carol’s, telling himself they were different, they didn’t _count_ like that, but he’d never gotten further than the hallway.

Yet he watched him as the curly bastard found his way back to the one thing Daryl could actually accept they had, something that wouldn’t hurt Rick’s future because no one really knew he was a part of these dinners and he slapped himself for looking one too many times that evening, especially harsh when he forced his eyes away once Rick finally got up to join him at the sink, as if he’d been waiting to see if Rick would or not, seeing how the man had held back at the distance Daryl so dearly had created, like he was respectful of it. Of course he fucking would though. Daryl felt his pulse raise high, almost panic brewing and at the same time he wanted to breathe out in relief. _You’s cruel, ‘s good._

Then Carol had that fucking way about her, she’d pointed to the sky, telling him _what a pretty bird and the sky is so gorgeously blue and vast, look Daryl_ and he’d been entranced, then she’d tied his shoe laces together when he was busy staring up and shoved him forward, he couldn’t take his steps, he couldn’t fucking walk and there he sat with Sophia’s brightly shining eyes saying;

“ _Yeah Rick could help out too.”_ How the fuck had he gone from answering some awkward questions about him tearing down whatever he could repair just to keep his head muffled and shoved with caked mud, so that he didn’t have to think, to watching her and feel his vocal cords getting cut with a rusty scissor. He didn’t want to morph into the crude redneck ass he was deep down from feet to tip, he wasn’t that person with the kid, not with them but the suggestion was breaking his rules, he shouldn’t have Rick on his property like they were long time friendly friendly or worse, like there was anything left to save and there was the fact that the more time they spent together, the harder it was to maintain, and he found it damn near breaking to find a good way to reject the idea. He soon had to curse under his breath because he hadn’t been able to, it was too soft for him, unknown, and so he’d fucked up and left an opening. Rick sat caught in between Carol’s schemes and Daryl’s reluctance, apparently he had boring weekends well shit, Daryl had too but he wasn’t pestering others, he was trying to let go of the past like they should.

Carol continued, sealing the deal, she may as well have had a stamp made for this fine contract and fine, he would survive, he’d find a way to manage, it was only one Saturday what could happen? Rick Grimes could fucking happen, looking all spine with a tint of shyness, absolutely forbidden, Daryl nearly didn’t manage but then he thought of blonde strands, rosy lips quirking worriedly at the damage on his own scowling and worn face, the rejection of the suggestion that he’d stay the night had easily left his lips after that. _Didn’t ye see, couch was clean, ain’t gotta give’em any reason t’clean ‘t again’fter yer ass._

Except Carol wouldn’t have it, she wouldn’t fucking let him get away with anything and he wondered why he was friends with her again, yeh alright, there wasn’t an answer to that, they had never had any choice, as natural as water flowed in rivers they had become and thus they had remained. His attempt to follow up on his rejection was pathetic, really, why did he exist anyway if he couldn’t even just say fucking no and walk out of the door, why did he have to grow jelly knees because of what, those ugly moving stirs inside him called _emotions,_ whenever he looked at Rick, at them. He’d been put in a position where he felt affection and whenever he acknowledged it, his skin would crawl at how natural it was, how he was obviously uncomfortable to feel it all aware, but he wanted it. It just shouldn’t have been natural for someone like him, it was wrong. He’d made some lame excuse, that pathetic one that caused him to question why he even walked the earth, _would want the old ones,_ what kind of fucking excuse was that, but at least he wouldn’t be ruining any new fancy ass shit Rick had no doubt bought, maybe he’d even had some help with it, a touch of female finesse while picking, and he was not going to sleep on that pillow if that was the case.

Rick simply countered him, Daryl felt like he was nothing but a sheet to the wind, of course boy scout Curly had kept the old ones, how convenient that he was a model citizen that didn’t litter or waste what could still be used, _yea that doesn’t count fer humans, don’ get any ideas._ Lucky for Daryl, he’d spent years denying himself shit, he’d become so good at it he’d stopped wanting things for a long time, didn’t matter shit when Sophia landed the final blow before he could tell Rick to fuck off with his old and new pillows, but in a nicer way obviously.

_Kick, kick, left hook – oh look how ye stumblin’ ‘n soon rings t’bell ding ding ding, wait ‘n stretch yer ears._

_“Oh please, this ‘s what they teach ye at school? Then ya’ll should sleep over, one big ‘n happy pajama party.”_ It was always a good defense, resorting to sarcasm.

 _“Don’t be silly.” Right main hand hook, wow what a match, K.O on Dixon ladies and gentlemen!_ He’d said fine at the end of it, fucking agreeing to sleep over, it would grate his damn brain all night, he wouldn’t be able to get any rest. He wasn’t supposed to be sleeping over anymore, it wasn’t like that anymore, he couldn’t be getting in the way. He knew he’d just screwed himself over, and still, he’d added an apology because this young woman had to teach him some mannerism, her tight clutching hug expulsing the foul nesting within, making it all worth it.

It had softened him way too much. He contemplated leaving, giving a couple of minutes for them to leave the parking lot. He didn’t fancy the idea that it would from there on, be counted as a lie, but it would have been a lie for the greater good. For himself, and Rick too. Daryl may have done this multiple times before but now, after he’d come back, after he’d long since declared to himself that there was never a future for him at Rick’s side, that the last weekend he spent in King County was simply that, the last weekend, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do, shit he could barely remember what they used to do before. He shouldn’t have come back, shouldn’t have stayed but he relented, damn hug, and it wasn’t like he could leave when Rick sniped the thought right through his skull, he’d probably lingered at the door long enough for the man to figure his flight instinct had kicked in.

 _“Should have jus’ taken t’bike.”_ He really should have, weren’t no carpooling on the bike.

 _“Why didn’t you?”_ Rick had chuckled, as if Daryl had said something funny which he didn’t think he had.

 _“Ass ‘s all barky ‘fter t’trip even ‘fter all ‘em weeks, ‘s a comfy bike but yeh, jus’ set me up ‘n t’couch.”_ It really wasn’t all barky still.

For some reason Rick insisted to stick with him, helping him to dress the couch, preparing it to be slept on all the while Daryl tried not to let the man’s moving limbs draw his attention too much. Then he thought a tactical smoke would separate the two of them, letting him to lay down on the sofa on his own instead of being caught in the awkward moment when people called good night to one another and what not, his peace lasted about as long as one step before he heard Rick’s step following behind him. Fuck.

Rick wasn’t even saying anything, but then again, Daryl wasn’t either, not with a smoke between his lips, oozing cotton candy gray poison into the air from every drag. Right, maybe it wasn’t actually anything different, Rick used to do exactly that, he’d help with the couch, he’d sit along as company, occasionally one of them would say something. Fewer times than most of those, would lead to an actual long going conversation. _Shit ye if ye start rememberin’ yer done fer._ Shit didn’t he know it, he was starting to feel nervous, sucked on his smoke like it would save the world from hunger if he managed to smoke it fast enough, finding himself too conscious of _them_ than he preferred for his evening smoke.

 _“Last time we sat like this out here I blurted something stupid and you told me about Merle.”_ Rick broke the silence, he was usually the one who did, but Daryl had his moments too. His stomach calmed in an instant, any sense of nervousness vanishing as he remembered the awkward twitch in Rick’s body when Daryl had chosen to make fun of something he’d been asking earnestly and gone tomato red because of. He almost felt happy once the calm settled in, when his stomach wasn’t knotted, enjoyable, in a way.

“I see ye never picked up ‘n that hobby.” It wasn’t what Rick had intended for, Daryl mused, not after the first attempt at the conversation months ago, but Daryl sure as shit wouldn’t have it any other way, waiting for Rick to pick the words apart and see the red start sipping up in his pores, spreading a light tint on his face that he could somehow see through the dark. Well fine, he had good night vision, Rick’s limbs and the stumped and cut off attempt to speak was enough to know he’d hit home once more before he asked Daryl to _please forget I ever asked you that_ and implied that they’d already agreed to it the first time around. He felt satisfied, almost proud even as he smoked, pleased with himself for painting Rick like a tomato once more, smothering a chuckle while he told Rick it hadn’t been for granted. He let the chuckle play out a smile though, because Rick was conveniently bending himself over, hiding his face in his arms, he couldn’t see it. It felt, good.

 _“You’re an ass, I forgot about that.”_  Rick had countered, still hiding in his arms, allowing the smile to linger on Daryl’s lips as it mixed with the notion of fleeting. Rick hadn’t forgotten, nor did he mean it in any other way than humoring.

“Ain’t denyin’ that.” Although he replied with as decently well maintained humor as he could, it didn’t make it any less true. Ass and Dixon in the same sentence was as given as a fish in water, everyone knew that, Daryl wasn’t ignorant about it even if Rick didn’t fully believe it yet. He would one day, Daryl had been an asshole true to his blood way before Rick, it hadn’t changed after either, he may have softened but that couldn’t cure that blood from the flaws it flowed with. He was used to it, was used to how he used to be, he’d accepted that but there had been a difference since he’d come back, a low and completely different kind of asshole. This one couldn’t be forgiven even if it should ask for it.

 _“You should.”_ His skin shivered, for a moment he wanted to question himself and his choices, wanted to be what Rick thought he could be, a proper person but he knew he wasn’t, knew he was doing wrong.

_“Alright, let’s get some sleep.”_

* * *

In the end he’d fallen asleep a lot faster than he was comfortable admitting, Rick’s couch eating him, molding him into part of its own body. It was familiar, the cushions, the surrounding, he liked that couch, he liked being there, he didn’t like the whispering urge to sneak up from a perfectly fine sleeping arrangement and slip into Rick’s bed, to chase something long abandoned, like a bad drug your body never forgot, craving, crawling, alluringly whispering _just one more time_. He’d kept his needy little whims at bay, forced his body to lay still on the couch and let it devour him instead because he’d already had that conversation with himself, falling into the lulling comfort of Rick’s apartment, the silence spreading around him, tucking itself into the soothing smells and painting them in colors beneath shut eye lids. Then he’d drifted off.

He’d woken up the second Rick had shuffled outside the area of his bed, it was surreal, but he could tell when Rick had left the soft area of mattress, pillows and quilts. He knew his ears were in damn good condition, but still, even for him that was a bit much, he wanted to feel sick for being so aware that he could make out the difference of Rick shuffling around in it and when he was shuffling fresh out of it. He’d kept still, eyes opened in the tiniest creak just as a precaution, ears following the sound the moving body from bedroom to kitchen, then the pot to the sink, the water pouring into the glass container and then Rick emptying into the brewer, Daryl hadn’t dared moving an inch.

Then the sound of Rick’s phone spread through the apartment and Daryl almost thanked some god he didn’t believe in that it would give him an excuse to get his ass up the bed, feigning a yawn or whatnot to seem freshly awake. He shouldn’t have had to from the get go, but he didn’t think far enough to understand he didn’t need no stupid ass excuse to simply wake up, he just felt better with the excuse to back him up. Like Rick’s phone waking him up would somehow give Daryl some self proclaimed pleasure if Rick were to feel bad for waking him up because he didn’t have it on silent, something to set him straight again. So he sat up, hearing Rick talk about Carl and he shoved a hand into his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp while he turned to face the man who cocked his head, right, if Carl could come. Sophia would be happy no doubt, but he hadn’t planned for his Saturday to become a damn big field trip, on the other hand he liked Carl, kid was raised well even with a slightly too cocky attitude which Daryl loved to challenge, as much as said cocky attitude loved to challenge him. 

The conversation that followed was only one sided to Daryl, only hearing Rick’s side of it but he could make up his ex-wife was in need of his reassurance, the way Rick spoke, she was a good mom, taking the kid into consideration before she made a decision, turning to Rick to help her out and then their own feelings regarding the matter, their sacrifices if it would make the kid happy, on that they seemed to be the same. Daryl had never known that as a kid, but he’d been a living witness to Carl and Sophia, they hadn’t been pampered like some kids that would start crying in the store when they didn’t get candy every time their parents went shopping, they weren’t spoiled little shit’s and had understood some of the sense that responsibility involved. He stretched, feeling his muscles heat up once he relaxed, sending a jolt of warm buzz up to his neck and into the back of his skull, the circulation sliding his lids half shut again because damn that felt good. Sleeping on couches weren’t even supposed to be good for you, you weren’t supposed to feel so damn rested and yet, he felt like a new man, physically.

Daryl merely shrugged when Rick mouthed the question instead of waiting for it, fine, the more the merrier apparently, he could spend the day focusing on the kids, putting Rick at the back of his yard and his mind. Maybe he’d even manage to satisfy some of Rick’s friendly need he seemed desperate to shout out, it could make him back off for a while and that would be a good thing, shit wouldn’t it have been hilarious if he’d invited Jessie over? He’d damn near laugh himself to death, but then again over his dead body that the bitch would ever set foot on his property.

He followed into the kitchen, hungry and desperate for the coffee Rick had gotten started, shaking his head without meaning to when Rick was making sure Lori knew they’d be thinking of safety first. Damn Curly probably rented help whenever he was doing changes at home, there didn’t even seem to have been any previous conversations at his station that had involved in the topic of home renovation to educate him, nor that he had caught any of it on TV. Dangerous tools, right, Rick knew nothing of the process, Daryl tried to not let it amuse him too much, luckily for him his name was voiced into the phone and he halted in his movements, pot in one hand with the other the countertop where Rick had left the mugs. It had sent a shrill down his spine, short lived, but it had struck every nerve on its way, _a friend_ , right, not the friendly friend, he felt awkward for having his name mentioned. _Next thing they’s gon’ find out yer a Dixon, gonna be a damn witch hunt, burn yer ass on t’stake fer bein’ a bad influence on ‘er kid._

Daryl poured them coffee after he told his brain not so kindly, to shut up, forgetting all about it once he continued to hear Rick’s side of the conversation, felt the corner of his lips tug before he put the pot back in and Rick decided they would pick Carl up on roughly an hour.

“’t is ye kno’, shit.” He teased all too natural, but it felt good, teasing Rick had always felt good, he couldn’t help it.

“Shit that’s strong.” He brushed it over with instead, _nice save, jackass_. 

 _“What was that look.”_ Rick continued, a curious hold to his posture. Daryl knew his eyes lay onto him so he wasn’t looking back, wouldn’t be good for him to do so and he moved over to the table instead, sitting down while he claimed Rick knew shit about tiling, buying himself some time. He felt it slowly building, knew how Rick affected him in certain situations, knew when he was being drawn and manipulated. Daryl heard him ask if he was good at anything, it was mean to tease him in return, but Daryl was long lost to the gravity of Rick, those moments when he’d shock himself by complimenting something with such honesty he was sure he’d have nightmares because of it.

 _“Yer a good dad.”_  He was, Daryl would know. _This ain’t helping yer case._ He fucking knew it wasn’t, had slipped before he knew it, Rick, with his kids, the way he raised them, fuck he should have seen it coming but he hadn’t done shit to stop it. Rick was a good father, he’d meant that and Rick needed to hear that in case the others around him didn’t bother telling him. In the end, he didn’t regret it, snorting when Rick placed an awkward offer of thanks behind the fridge door with his jumbled cartons of milk and eggs in his arms.

The whipping of eggs had overtaken the short silence in the kitchen as Rick had prepared their breakfast to be, a tiny dollop of butter sizzling in the heated pan. Daryl hadn’t minded though, the silence could have stretched out until they were leaving. He liked a silent Rick because he usually still spoke and that was alright too, for the most of it.

 _“So what about it?”_ Rick had asked him, tipping the mix into the pan. Daryl watched him stir it around while he sprinkled cheese into the pan.

 _“Only power tools used I guess would be t’water saw, t’mixer ain’t dangerous.”_ And they weren’t, but Rick definitely believed they were, Daryl watched him stir it around, felt a smile tug at his lips but resolved not to reveal it no matter how amused he was with his coming comment.

 _“Water one ain’t even got teeth, ain’t sharp Rick._ _Don’t mean ye stick yer fingers into it tho’.”_ He saw the spatula slow to a half, well, he guessed his sarcasm had obviously come through and after shrugging, asking Rick silently to let it go, more or less, he told him to get back to stirring, that he’d skipped his morning hunt for those eggs. He wasn’t worried though, he’d been able to stock up some more, he’d be able to have breakfast, lunch and dinner if he wanted to. His quota was just below sustainability, he’d need some more then he’d be able to rotate routine, after all there wasn’t much point in hunting if you didn’t need it. Rick didn’t give two shits about his request though.

 _“Carpooling is better for the environment.”_  He’d jabbed back and Daryl cursed the kid for giving Rick that ammunition after what sounded like a fierce battle of spatula against eggs on the stove end of the kitchen. Daryl hadn’t looked when Rick had spoken, and when he did, he caught Rick looking away from him, the slight evident turn, the shift of curls so minimal yet there, for a hunters’ eye it had been hard to miss. They were similar, both observant but for different reasons, for Daryl it was survival, for Rick it was his occupation, they were similar but also nothing alike at all, Rick didn’t have to observe just to know when you were supposed to avert or maintain your eyes involuntarily, either preparing for a fight or using it as a defensive shield. While Rick seemed fine with looking at Daryl most of the time, like it was something ordinary, Daryl had no choice but to mind himself doing the same, yet he would still catch himself watching when Rick wasn’t looking. Those looks always lingered, they etched into his cornea like a thick film. Sometimes it was his hands, a smile or his nose in profile, everything linked him back to a moment stored into his memory. The way those fingertips felt on his skin, the way water had gathered in the cup of his collarbone after trailing down his throat outside Carol’s when she’d moved, they all were reminders; _‘t ain’t yers t’ keep,_ _I’ve been kind ye kno’ an ye been half assin’t, ye better shape up._

He didn’t shape up, the next fuck up of Daryl Dixon was how domesticated he felt when he’d grabbed Rick’s mug and topped him off in the same motion of his own mug. He’d done it out of habit, he shouldn’t even have had that habit anymore, should have been dumped in Montana or somewhere along the road to fucking North Dakota, fuck did he care. He’d frozen mid way through the action, that shit was supposed to be left behind and yet there he stood feeling like some god damn house wife dutifully filling up coffee while bickering with his husband. It wasn’t fucking normal routine anymore. He quickly put the pot in the holder and moved back to the table. Right, this was exactly why he couldn’t spend that kind of time with Rick, he became fucking sloppy and before he knew it he’d cave and allow himself to want more than he could have and he’d ruin Rick’s life.

 _“Can we talk for a bit?”_ Rick’s voice felt like an echo, slowly bouncing in his drums, fading out every hit. It wasn’t registering all right, not through Daryl telling himself he needed to shape up or get the fuck out, he’d need to be more careful. Rick had that tone, that _talk_ had more meaning than Daryl was comfortable with. The last thing they needed to do was talk, Rick’s voice would twist him, he’d probably get pissed off because he was already rubbed the wrong way out of his own fucking weakness destroying all parts of his grand plan. Oh what he wouldn’t do for Rick though, a limb, two, die for him, but this? This he couldn’t do, the past was staying in the past, as it always had. That’s what he told himself.

 _“Ain’t we already? Tool’s ‘n carpoolin’.”_  He played it off, neutral, stating the obvious, painting over his spelling mistake to write it again.

 _“No I mean, talk, about before.”_  Daryl looked away, the life outside the window was dull. All the yards were empty across the streets’ but the lawns were green, the third house from the corner had slacked on mowing it though, slightly higher than the rest of the houses that joined the street along with Rick’s terraced one. He caught movement in some kitchens and one of the wife’s had just turned up around the corner wearing tight sweat pants and a tank top, walking down the street with a suburban golden retriever.

“No.” _Well shit weren’t awkward ‘fore they sure are now, I’ve been tellin’ ye, maybe ye’ll start listenin’ now huh?_

_“Almost done.”_

Rick had been pissed at him for a while, he could tell, hell it was hard not to notice but what could he do? Fucking Curly had been a bum about it, looking like the silence would for some shit reason be awkward between them and struck up conversation. The only reason it would even be awkward would be because Rick would make it, he wasn’t too enthusiastic about the half assed small talk, but he replied at least. Rick had gotten over it eventually, the kids, the bed of the truck that he hadn’t cleaned for a while, the work, all throughout he’d started letting go, stopped making a problem where there wasn’t one, like the heat had been lowered just before the pot had boiled over.

To Daryl though, Rick had turned from gorgeous to beastly while working the truck spotless, it should have driven him mad if his self awareness hadn’t been in top shape, battered since young so it wouldn’t shove sticks in your wheel. It was in a detached way, how he would look at the dutiful result of what the scorching Georgia sun and a dirty pick-up combined could achieve, seeing it all but only feeling the way he was supposed to be reacting. It wasn’t there really, he’d made it so, but he knew if he’d allow himself, his teeth would vibrate, tingle in the roots in pure need to sink down in that sweat covered skin. Instead, he let this focus rest on the cleaned truck, actually impressed while voicing it in the same moment. Rick had gone full Carol over it while Daryl and the kids had been working on the bathroom, or full panic father with two kids in the house, Rick wasn’t a slacker on cleaning from the get go, always neat and tidy whenever Daryl had gone over to that apartment.

Right so _can you watch Sophia_ had turned into a full fucking event day. Fucking hell, Carol would be the death of him and yet, as Rick revived the lemon joke, fully free from kitchen bitterness, having that pull of lines from smiling while he’d taken the bottle of water, Daryl found himself thinking that maybe it wasn’t so bad, there’d been bumps but this was fine, until Rick threatened to overthrow his entire world after Daryl had made a sarcastic remark about giving Rick a go at the tool and had earned a reply he hadn’t been prepared for. He couldn’t answer at first, from the little bickering and teasing just before, the comfort of them being able to somewhat co-exist being a warming touch to his heart, to being tossed into the deep end of the pool.

In those fifteen seconds he felt like he had already died. _Don’t ye dare think.. – “he could be it” – she’s wrong ye know._

He bravely excused himself, could hardly get the words out of his mouth at the start but once they were, he’d moved over to the kids. Shit why was Rick so fucking stupid, he should know nothing good would come from it. If people saw he put faith in a fucking Dixon they’d degrade him, hang him, they were nothing but black mold ready to spread through touch, why couldn’t he just accept that like everyone else did? And why did he have to feel ashamed for deceiving beautiful but naïve Rick, while he felt equal parts embarrassed because it made him fucking happy that Rick had sounded so disgustingly honest about it, made his brain all muffled like cotton candy.  _Ye’ll ruin him._

So he danced on clouds with shame shackling his feet, while his eyes traced the hollow lines between the tiles, controlling the work, complimented the kids and went through details because that’s what he had to focus on, told them how he’d fill them later on when the fix had dried enough. All the while, Rick’s mind had huddled off somewhere else once Daryl was done. Apparently he was stocking up the fridge and honestly, Daryl didn’t question the much obvious excuse after he had the lingering embarrassment injecting tiny doses into his system of uppers and downers both simultaneously while they continued with their tasks, while he got a fire going to start on their dinner. _Give ye a lil’ trust an’ ye bright up like a Barbie doll huh._

Fuck off.

Carol arrived right after Rick had asked him about the staining, he hadn’t planned for them to do that anyway and would get to it after they had left, at least start on it, worst case scenario he’d just do it in the morning, it was yet undecided. Them god damn clean freaks though, Carol hadn’t wasted a second, she’d fucking said hello by telling them they were disgusting, well, she hadn’t been wrong but still. Before he could even protest, she shut him up and then Rick went and fucking rolled over to her, fucking fine then, he’d go clean up, _damn woman_. She was always pulling his strings even in his own damn home, undermining him just because she knew some shit and wasn’t listening to him. He refused to even consider that she had a point.

At least the water was nice for the short while it could comfort, he sure as fuck wasn’t sticking around with Rick alone again, especially not with Carol so close by, always so keen to turn a curious eye to Daryl when he was interacting with Rick. Damn meddlesome she was, made him feel fucking self conscious in the way he presented himself.

 _“Gonna grab ‘s dry shirts.”_ He’d grabbed a spare for Rick and dumped his own t-shirt onto the porch railing to dry while he headed back to the yard. Rick was just about finished. Though he shouldn’t, he still let himself soak a half indecent, yet innocent eyeful of the sight. It wasn’t that he couldn’t handle it, he’d be pretty stupid to spend at least Fridays with the man if he couldn’t handle him looking so captivating, what was the harm if he wasn’t going to freeze in a slow motion before desperately falling into Rick’s arms like a movie would show anyway, if he didn’t feel that need whenever his eyes lingered, that despite the longing cry singing in the back of the head it was never going to win, he’d hear it when his eyes lay upon him and yet, he made sure he couldn’t feel it. One too many beatings had made him good at that and he knew from his few slips that he could still get better.

The Saturday sun set slowly that evening, his honored guests staying way past four hours, cleaning and eating dinner, he’d spent most of his time with the kids, before they finally left. He never started staining, there just hadn’t been the time for it, but he’d get to that, he’d cracked beers, never counted them but he never got piss ass drunk, just enough to subdue that peace and quiet that just seemed to thunder in his ears in the absence of the others like it shouldn’t have. Sunday was better, like his feathers had settled again, he didn’t need booze to enjoy the seclusion of his housing, the silence obeyed him again, fused to his essence like it was supposed to and better yet, if he’d known what the week would bring, he swore he’d have tried to enjoy it more.

* * *

He’d gotten around to it eventually, staining the cabin, enjoying how well and thoroughly busy it kept him Monday evening and actually, the cabin had been in a fucking dire need of it as he’d put the front layer on. He’d have wanted to continue on Tuesday, getting it done as fast as possible but Tuesday were Carol and Sophia’s, so he’d obediently, alright fine, he’d willingly postponed completing the staining to go over to their place. Carol had cooked chicken and as far as cooking bird went, she wasn’t one to make the meat dry and repulsive like himself. Most of the time it just felt like chewing on a sinewy and dry sponge, not much different from grabbing something with chicken on from a diner or a street stand on the few occasions he did, but then again food was food and he’d eat regardless, at least when he wasn’t at Carol’s. She had a way of making him enjoy the potential of chicken though, shit, Rick actually made pretty decent chicken too.. maybe it was just him that was personally incapable of bringing out its true potential, he sure as shit never had problems with what he usually hunted aside from bird. Fucking birds.

She’d eyed him just like she had at his cabin when he’d been over, even on Wednesday when he’d gotten off work early and found himself a few hours short of something to do because he’d expected the rest of the staining to take up his evening, he’d gone there and she’d done it. He didn’t dare spitting a _what_ in her face, fearing the consequences of him doing so, they didn’t talk, they didn’t fucking talk about things and that wasn’t about to change. She probably didn’t have any other goal, seeing how she never pushed it, it was just.. after the weekend, her looking at him, there was more to it, enough to make him feel put on the spot, like he’d been wrong somewhere along the line and she wasn’t completely approving of it and yet she’d still kissed him on the cheek after he’d said good night to Sophia and was leaving for the evening.

On Thursday she had stopped by his work to leave food for him, asking him about Friday to make sure he was still coming like she’d never questioned anything with just her eyes after the weekend, it had been followed later on by his phone ringing, he’d almost let it go to voice mail when he saw Rick’s name on the screen. Establish distance he’d decided but he couldn’t completely ignore it, Carol’s words had been weighing on him in constant battle with his conviction to let Rick go. _Aye, should’ve delete ‘r broken ‘t, ain’t ye a thrilled little princess fer seein’ t’name huh?_ He’d ended up answering anyway, pinning the phone between his ear and his shoulder so he could keep working, listening to Rick as he asked for his advice, although it had been easier if he’d seen the choices Rick had in front of him for himself, but he’d make do with what description he got and gave his basic opinion even if he rarely used gloves to protect his hands, unless he was using powerful tools that flicked sparks or chunks of metal when cutting through material, but they were the heavy kind so they didn’t count in the category Rick was looking at, but at least he knew enough to fit the need.

On Friday he’d met up with Carol in the parking lot and she’d been on his case from there on, not easing up on him even as they got inside the apartment and yeah, the war was on if she so wanted it, didn’t matter if he scowled or made light threats in her direction, she would just chuckle at him and he would be reminded that no matter the looks or her simple _opinions_ that put him off, he’d missed her as the one equal he had. Well okay, he would maybe take it back after she wouldn’t quit it about the salt, he didn’t salt _that_ much in his own opinion, but her goading him on about it had him relax into the kitchen faster than his normal process, a nicer form of the sky and the bird which didn’t include her tying his shoe laces, he was enjoying himself even with Rick’s shitty knives that he ended up sharpening because the dude was a mess, slicing meat and vegetables weren’t an excuse to not have at least one proper knife. He may have almost slipped when he’d been squeezing the lemon juice, distracted enough to follow Carol’s instruction when she’d pointed between the two of them, then he’d squeezed while Rick’s attention had been on him, _it’s just juice, quit it_ was mixed with Carol’s _he’s it_ , that was the moment the poor half he’d been squeezing gave in from the pressure, the yellow skin breaking and he’d torn himself away from the table with the excuse of throwing the leftover away. _He’s ain’t._

Damn Carol, fucking damn Rick. After the perfect dinner with the kids chatting, delicious food that he devoured because okay, maybe Carol had a point about that one thing, she was the reason he’d gotten decent meals lately, aside from the deer thigh at his cabin but well, that had been because they were there. Rick and him had cleaned up the dishes and he’d made damn sure they kept parted all the way through the plates, cutlery and the glasses before they settled down for a movie. Sophia had been completely absorbed in all the options to choose from, asking Daryl and Carl which one they thought they should watch and Carl had told him about some crazy ninja movie he’d seen with his Rick earlier in the week, said he should have been there. He’d ruffled his hair to divert his attention, giving him a half assed promise of next time before he’d reached for the remote and pressed play just to get a movie going and save his own ass from ruin. It was easier to make the kids shut up than to deal with more conversation.

It was stupid, how aware he was when he wasn’t supposed to, even through the sound effects of the movie he clearly picked up when the bathroom door had creaked open, _ain’t_ _that’ pretty desperate ye kno’, ye letting Carol get t’ ye?_ No, he wasn’t, that wasn’t his intent but it kept nagging him, never leaving him alone, time and space, that’s what he needed, if he was going to come to the Friday dinners for Carol and Sophia, he’d need to adjust into this new friendship with Rick, that was it.

Daryl had ended up liking the movie, bolted out the back door on his usual cue of a knock, smoked a couple too many cigarettes while enjoying the silence when Carol never joined him like she usually would. She’d bickered with him all evening to get him to relax and now she was giving him the alone space to breathe properly like she knew he needed it, fucking hell she was something. That’s what had he thought, before he’d gone back inside after stubbing his last smoke out in the ashtray and found her smiling all devious in his direction before declaring that she, and him for that matter, would love a beer, he’d felt worried after that. He tried putting his focus on Sophia, thanking her silently when she asked about the knots so he could properly excuse himself from the talk around the kitchen table, shying away from the light praise regarding the gloves, showing her the fourth knot again with great dedication as she’d asked him. Whatever it took to avoid looking at Rick’s lips whenever the bottle head would rest against them when he took a sip, the bobble of his throat as he swallowed the amber liquid that he knew would look so damn tempting.

Carol hadn’t stopped, she’d only bid her time, her subtle hints in his direction falling deafly on Rick’s ears but to him? They were clear as day as she pretended to have forgotten about the time that it _was a shame_ , then again as they were in the hallway and she promised him that the next dinner _wouldn’t let him down_ , two quick strikes freezing him in place while she happily slid out of the apartment. _Don’ ye let her get t’ ye_ his brain had desperately pleaded with him, no, he really shouldn’t but he already had and when Rick asked him to stay and he’d come crashing back to the shit situation he found himself in, she already had.

When she’d first said it, he hadn’t let it get to him, he almost had, if he was honest but he’d managed to resist Rick’s fucking attractive way of being Rick in everything he did, said and looked. Given time though, he realized in that choked hallway that it had worn him down when he couldn’t properly shift back to establish his desperate distance, the double strikes breaking the last resolve he had when Rick was right in front of him, all blue eyes and hesitant lips, so god damn gorgeous that he couldn’t look away and he hadn’t stopped it, he should have but he hadn’t. He’d only managed to delay the inevitable and earned more hidden hurt beneath Rick’s features in the process, couldn’t even pat himself on his fucking back because he’d lasted pathetically short. Rick had thought and acted from the moment, well of fucking course he would have, he hadn’t been wrong and his eyes straight on Daryl’s lips didn’t help him any either. But they shouldn’t and Daryl tried, one last futile attempt before the finishing blow of Rick and his stupid twist of tongue curling around that one particular word that always shook his core.

He remembered every part of kissing Rick as it happened, like they had never stopped since that weekend before he left, sweet and devouring, melting and healing, he’d clutched his hands into his shirt just to ground himself before everything he knew was gone in white because Rick had the ability to wipe him clean, erase him into nothing but relevance of pulling them together, being an existence feeling revered under those hands and lips and Daryl just wanted to give up and fucking tell himself _he’s it, I can have him_ when Rick’s touch burned, igniting his want for this man all anew _._

He never did, ripped from their cocoon when he felt Rick brushing over one of the ridges low on his back, cruelly reminded of how disgusting he was, his forever engraved promise of being nothing but a waste of space, never good for anything, just a pathetic piece of trash his pa regretted not smothering when he lay sleeping in his crib. It didn’t matter what he wanted, he couldn’t ruin Rick.

 _Yeah, cover that shit up, ain’t no one gonna wanna see that._ Rick had grabbed him, made him stop before he could completely run away, he’d fought it but not with enough honesty, fighting his own inner panic instead of Rick, ignoring him, couldn’t even look at him much less get a proper breath into his lungs to the point where he’d just pleaded, he needed to get away, he needed Rick to let him. He’d heard Rick’s voice in mumbles as he apologized, it wasn’t his fault but he was apologizing and Daryl felt like shit for it, but this was it, after this he was done, he couldn’t give in to moments and tussle around, Daryl wouldn’t survive that. They needed to let go, for real and not in the way Rick released him in defeat, allowing Daryl to leave.

 

 


	23. Nerve's brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment they connected, then Daryl fell from his reach. Rick is presented with another morning, shit to deal with and find himself deciding what he should do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so maybe I lied and wasn't going to leave you hanging. Although I found Daryl's PoV needing to be exactly where it was, that it would bring a lot of new from something old and that we all needed to see what we could only glimpse through Rick before, what I hope I managed to somewhat convey without actually showing, I still thought you who follow this and still enjoy it, deserved a chapter that actually continued the story as well, and as it so happened, this chapter was 85% finished, not counting the editing. 
> 
> It makes me quite exicted too, although I really need to get my ass writing more, we're at the special edition chapter coming up next and I really want to share that one with you as soon as possible, so I'm getting a little impatient. But I can tease about how I enjoyed writing the next chapter, it's not complete yet, needs some additional stuff and tuning, but god damn. I hope ya'll stay with me for that one, I hope you'll enjoy it too.
> 
> Now, this note is going to get longer than before, but as I once before shared a piece of music that helped me get through a chapter. I now feel like sharing the music that keeps me company when I am writing this fic. So if you're interested, you can give it a listen. Now overall, my playlist involves Nick Drake, Clann, Osi and the Jupiter, Aes Dana especially the first track on Perimeters - Anthazit. Then there's Rome, Peter Bjärgö and Aether (few more) I got the playlist on spotify, nicking Rihvander and it's actually called Clann. (Am I allowed to share this?)
> 
> I've named a few chapters after the music, sometimes part of the lyrics or the titles that I listen to when writing, the entire fic is named from a piece of lyric in Clann's - I hold you. And Clann was actually the music I had going when I decided I would write this fic, chapter one and forward, it made me want to create this. (They also have amazing story videos to the albums, called Kin Fables in part 1,2, 3 and one more I think, again, am I allowed to share this?) 
> 
> For this particular chapter, Aether kept me company, it just latched onto me when it shuffled as I was completing it. I had the track Flowerdance on repeat in the interaction with Rick and Carol, somehow it was just exactly what needed to merge with that part. If you do wish, push Aether on and listen to the Viraha album when you read this chapter, if you wish further, play that song when you read about Rick and Carol. If you do, I hope it'll merge with you and the story, as beautifully as it did for me. 
> 
> Sorry for this long ass note <3

The morning sun was offensive when it woke Rick, shining straight into his face from the living room window after, when he checked the time on his phone, roughly three hours of sleep on the sofa from the looks of it. Three hours had been better than nothing, he supposed, he didn't feel like the panic and hurt held tightly around his throat any longer, it hadn’t completely washed away everything, it still lingered like he’d been choked with hard enough intent to crush his windpipe, leaving purple and reddened bruising, it was less, but it had felt real enough and he’d gone to the bathroom to double check just in case knowing there would be nothing there. But the skin on his throat still felt the leftovers from yesterday, making it hauntingly clean and untouched as he’d gazed over it with his fingers just to make sure, it was disturbing to feel it, when there was nothing there in the mirror.

As for the morning, the yesterdays panic and hurt that had kept him awake for too long hadn’t settled nearly enough until his extended minutes in front of the mirror, physically touching the skin and still, nothing but the remaining fragments from yesterday. He’d started realizing he’d gone into a minor shock from the events, his mind had gone full lock down, latching onto his fragile emotions brought forth from _wrong_. Nothing else had been specified, just _wrong._ Now though, when it had subsided and he’d broken free from his destructive loop he felt calmer, more able, although, not any less confused as he went through the events from the day before. He wasn’t very successful in finding what had gone wrong, other than something he didn’t know about. He’d thought for a while, that maybe he hadn’t noticed himself going out of control, that it was possible he’d finally actually gone delusional, the looks and the build up in the hallway, Daryl’s lingering, just all something he’d imagined for his own benefit and he’d abused his intentions.

But it hadn’t been, not when Daryl had allowed Rick into his space, not when he’d responded to the lips, he’d allowed it and then, Daryl had chased it. Rick couldn’t find anything arguing against him reading the build up in the hallway as nothing but correct and he knew he would have backed off if something had been amiss before they had kissed.

The moment he’d been standing face to face with Daryl, felt the physical heat onto his own, the kiss that had followed, well roughly from there until he’d gotten shoved away, that period of time was blurry for Rick, one second he’d relished, the next everything was falling apart again and he still remembered vividly, that he had no idea why and he still didn’t, that was the fucked up morning problem he was dealing with, trying to figure out how everything had gone from hopeful and perfect to chaos and hurt. He remembered it had made him act rashly, remembered Daryl trying to tear himself from Rick’s hand when his instinct had been to stop him, to desperately fix whatever that had gone wrong before he could leave. But that hadn’t been it, Daryl would have punched him if he’d gotten fed up with Rick forcefully keeping him there to try and save whatever had gone wrong.

Rick had spent most of his day going over it, thinking while walking around in his apartment, clearing his head with a shower to just ending up back where he’d started, doing nothing at all and growing frustrated because he couldn’t focus on anything else and even his endless thinking hadn’t been very focused. It may have been months and a bad reunion he hadn’t wished for and he was starting to come to the same conclusion all over again, he hadn’t been mistaken, he hadn’t been delusional from desperation or jealousy, if Daryl really hadn’t wanted it he would have shifted away for real when Rick did get close. It was just so fucked up, he knew he and Carol had talked about it, but for it to look so painfully true in just one moment to the other, that was harder to process and even harder to find the answer to. But Carol had said it, she didn’t have it for him, he had to find it himself. He just couldn’t seem to find any solution at all.

So fuck it. Rick had picked his keys up, left his apartment with two mismatching socks, the same jeans he’d worn yesterday and a shirt unevenly buttoned, it hadn’t mattered, he just needed to go over there even if he was late in realizing it, he had to. He was fed up with this back and forth, this insistent relationship where they were neither friends, alienated nor _in love_ , always something unbalanced in between, caught up in pretense that they were something they weren’t and that it was fine, Rick didn’t think it was fine anymore, he’d tried to be patient and adjusting, happy to have him back while respecting Daryl limits, but the happiness it provided was devious and cruel. He wanted more, as it were, he believed he wasn’t alone in that thought, not before with the look of hope when Rick had invited him to dinner, not after their kiss in the hallway and for that, they had to stop pumping suppressive toxin into their systems just to get through the day. They had to emerge, Rick had to do something.

When Rick got to the cabin he’d sat in his car for a good couple of minutes. For the entire ride and the day struggling with his thoughts, he’d never imagined he’d grow cold feet when he’d finally arrived, how heavy it weighed on him because Daryl had close to begged. He must have known the day before how serious it had been, he’d acted accordingly to it on pure instinct and fear when he’d released the grip and let Daryl leave, but he hadn’t actually acknowledged it properly aside from not chasing after him. Rick stared at the cabin, silent and unmoving. But Daryl’s car was there, his stomach grumbled, knew it was there because he hadn’t eaten anything, but he didn’t feel his hunger.

Daryl couldn’t, he’d said he couldn’t, like he had been physically hurting for letting himself into shift, almost shameful for letting it happen and responding to it. Rick had driven straight on, but he found himself not even knowing what he would say when he was finally there, his questions washed away when his car hit park and he would be lying if he didn’t admit that he was close to panicking again, he wasn’t used to it, knew it was probably why he’d played along with the farce, why he’d give time, why he always worked thoroughly.  Controlled. This wasn’t, and he’d only managed three weeks before he’d screwed shit up.

 _“Nerves brother.”_ Inhale, deep, expanding chest, he knew this one, felt like Shane was sitting right next to him, watching him breathe to calm down, not looking away until he did and he could hear Shane’s voice finishing his line, Rick’s line.

 _“You shut them down because you’ll be stuck in the car otherwise. Breathe and get going.”_ Inhale, no wait, that wasn’t it, that wasn’t what Shane usually said to him. Exhale and Shane was definitely smiling, hell he probably even winked at Rick in his imagination. Rick shook his head with a fraction of a silly smile on his lips that somehow managed to find its way through. He pushed his posture up, back into the seat and repeated his breaths a few more times, _breathe and get going, breathe and get going_ , then he decidedly nodded, grabbing the handle to the door and got out of his car. Shane was right, or imagination Shane was right, he wouldn’t get anywhere by sitting in the car, he was more likely to tuck his tail between his legs and go back home, hoping it would soothe over given a couple of days.

So Rick stalked up the steps going straight for the door, he was damn Rick Grimes, he didn’t get cold feet and for the rest of his life he would deny ever having experienced it in his god damn car outside of Daryl’s cabin. Although he was determined, there was a high chance that Daryl wouldn’t even be home, out hunting or spending time in a bar, Rick would very likely look like a stalker if he sat down and waited for him the be back if that was the case, but Rick was also quite confident he would go through with it anyway. The door rustled in an angry gnarl the first time his knuckles tapped loudly on the door, it slid open with a creak on the second, the door proving to not only be unlocked but hadn’t clicked shut properly either. He would be damned if he let that falter him when he saw the crossbow in the hallway, so not a hunt then, that left Daryl either out somewhere on his bike or he was inside somewhere.

He walked inside, expecting the cabin to engulf him like the comforting space it was. Except as he walked through the hallway and could smell the stuffed stink of booze layered thick throughout the cabin along with the leftover smell of ash while he knew, Daryl wasn’t one that smoked indoors, followed by his ears picking up the snores coming from the sofa in the living room where he found Daryl sprawled out all messy limbs and trash all around, face shoved into the cushion of the furniture while his body twisted from neck down almost an entire loop, it was like a different place completely. The table had a couple of empty beer bottles and two tipped over, just as empty, bottles of whiskey with the ashtray next to it with fully and half smoked cigarettes, and he was pretty sure that the glass jug with its lid popped had once contained some nasty acidic smelling liquor as the smell crawled prickling to his nose, from his experience, did not belong to beer or whiskey.

“Fucking hell.” He’d muttered, walking around the sofa, snatching a wooden stool with him to firmly set it just in front, between the couch and the table. Worrying his ass off while Daryl was snoozing off smelling like a liquor factory, a cheap and illegal one to boot.

“Wake up.” He leaned down, pulling Daryl’s face from the cushions with his fingers on one side of the chin and his thumb sealing the grip on the other, turning his face with his _tired of your shit_ voice stirring the, well whatever kind of sleep the man was having. Daryl had blinked when Rick had tightened his grip on the chin, slowly waking up as Rick let go, only looking like he wanted to shove his face back into the cushions when he seemed to realize Rick was there and ignore his presence for the rest of his life.

“Jesus how much did you have to drink.” He asked, the smell of alcohol thick from a half released yawn, tick and seeping from every pore, layering the entire sofa, reaching far enough to hit him in the face and Rick glanced over to the table again.

“Don’t tell me all of that.” Even if all the bottles hadn’t been full, except for the beer it was still a lot of alcohol just on the table alone and there was no knowing if there were more spread out around the cabin, Rick hadn’t checked.

“Fuckin’ leave me alone.” He’d muttered with annoyance. Rick wasn’t about to let him have his way, reaching for his arms instead to pull him upright with some force, the guy was heavy when he was all sprawl and lifeless limbs, but Rick managed, sitting Daryl up and pushing his back against the cushions before he firmly planted his pretty ass down on the stool.

“No. I won’t, and you’re going to deal with it. Daryl you owe me a later and we really need to talk.” He said calmly, didn’t feel very calm but he shut his nerves down, because he had to, _because they had to get going_. He glanced over at the table again before looking back at Daryl. He’d pretty much expected the reaction he got, Daryl tensing up, legs pushing to get up and very pointedly avoid dealing with him, given any few seconds he’d to grow more stubborn so Rick didn’t let him get very far, pushed down him down as soon as he’d started getting up, one firm press to his shoulder pinning him back on the sofa.

“And you’re going to stay right there.” Rick had added to the move, tone following suit and Daryl did stay when Rick retracted his hand from the shoulder, giving his hand a burning glare before turning to its owner, like intimidation at this point would make Rick back off.

“How much.” He wasn’t even asking.

“Ran out somewhere ‘round nine.” And Daryl wasn’t really answering, he wasn’t slurring too bad, but then again from the looks of it he must have started when he got home and kept going until he ran out before falling asleep on the sofa.

“Daryl last night and before? I want that, the way things were, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever experience it again, but after yesterday I can’t ignore it anymore, you being near but still beyond my reach, I can’t do that.” Daryl only seemed to look more pissed off as he continued, half detached anger lingered with some bad cushioned sleep and a probable hungover but Rick couldn’t care less, he needed to have this talk with him, defensive anger or not.

 “Fuckin’ hell Curly ye gone off yer rockers?” Starting with evasion, was apparently Daryl’s first choice of neglecting the importance of what Rick had said, Rick hadn’t thought it would be a quick chat and make up but he was fearing it was going to be a lot harder that he could have imagined.

“I’m serious Daryl. I want to be with you, shit Daryl I know was slow but I’m fucking...” He didn’t get to say it when Daryl snapped the moment to interrupt him, but he knew what Rick had been about to say.

“No ye don’ an’ yer not. Get yer damn head on straight.” Daryl had leaned forward, tapping his index finger hard into Rick’s forehead before settling back into the cushion again, a clearer warning sign, had Daryl been the rash kind he’d probably clawed and kicked already, now there was just the promise of a violent retaliation hanging thick in the air. He tried shifting the conversation to something good in it, remembering the insecurity when Daryl had thought Rick had regrets, he’d loved that moment, it had been a breaking point for them back then.

“You said you had no regrets, back then, you said that. Then on that hill with our feet in the water, yesterday too, I know what I felt, still feel, I know you feel it too.” He didn’t budge, he didn’t move a single nerve on his face, his voice laced thickly with passive venom when he replied.

“’s ‘cus I don’, back then? Ye jus’ got high on helpin’ out some trash ye can’t let go ‘f now. I don’ regret what we did, I ain’t lyin’ about that, but ‘t ain’t ever been real, I jus’ slipped ‘n ‘t happened, whatever ye thought? Yer damn delusional.” Daryl had tilted his chin up after that, eyes turning colder as he stared at Rick, trying to claim back some control over the conversation while Rick fought through what felt like a losing battle, it fucking pissed him off that Daryl even dared thinking that he’d just been some trash needing help and Rick had offered it, voicing it was even worse.

“You were never just means to make myself feel good and you fucking know that, I don’t need a wife or a pretty house either, I don’t care about those things like you think I do, I just want you.”Listen god damn it, Rick just needed something, maybe he could just shove Daryl into the cushions, sit on him until he agreed to re-consider the lies he told himself. He didn’t, only re-adjusted himself on the stool, starting to feel at loss on how to get through.

“Ye don’ kno’ shit an’ ye better shut up ‘cus it ain’t ever gonna be. I ain’t never felt shit neither, if ye wanna fuck I’m game but _we_ ain’t never gonna be, so’s ye better get that through yer thick skull ‘fore ye rot long ‘nough to realize ‘t yerself,  ye should hook up with that blonde ‘f ye want somethin’ real.” Rick fazed out, stunned at the mere suggestion, tried to not let it get to him the way it was most likely aimed, to rattle him up and lose focus on what he was trying to convey, what he was fucking there to convey. He felt his phone buzzing, the low hum of his ringtone singing from his pocket but he ignored it, whatever whoever was calling wanted, it could fucking wait.

“Jesus fucking, are you even listening to the shit your saying?” He questioned, watching Daryl scowl back at him, setting his face as he bit his jaw together, barely managing his reply.

“Ye gonna get that?” Daryl asked instead, didn’t even look down to the source of the sound, just slid into the distraction to try and get up, Rick almost didn’t catch him in time, stumbling up to push him down on the sofa once again.

“No and you fucking stay put.” The phone stilled in his pocket, the sound dying out, then it started ringing right away, it was probably fucking Shane or worse, Lori calling about some trivial matter.

“Just.. man, I don’t want Jessie, I told you me and her we weren’t ever like that, and I don’t know what I did last night to scare you off but Daryl I fucking love..” Fucking. Hell. Daryl bit him off before he could finish.

“I don’. I won’t ever, I kne’ m’fuckin’ brother was gonna shoot ‘mself up with heroin when he got behind bars, jus’ a matter ‘f time. Ye happened t’be around alright, that’s ‘t, served its purpose. Now ye should get that.” If the “fucking” part of this fucked up conversation had been the worst of it, it hadn’t been anywhere near the break Rick felt when Daryl enlightened him on how Merle had passed, he’d asked before but he hadn’t wanted to know like this. Daryl had been up without Rick even trying to stop him this time, letting him evade his way from the sofa as he felt for his phone, just following Daryl as he walked away to nowhere in particular, pacing while deciding what to do.

“Whoa slow down Lori, what do you mean in the hospital, is she alright? Yeah fuck, I’m coming right away.” He didn’t have time to think, the stool clattering behind him when he’d pushed up from it, roughly searching in his pocket for his keys while he hurried out the hallway, drive, hospital, as fast as possible, he needed his damn keys, he hadn’t realized he already held them, ripped from his pocket on his way out, one of the rings had snatched on a nail band, scratching forth a cut but he hadn’t felt it. Then he felt hands gripping his wrist, the force of fingers pulling the keys from his fingers and he snapped around ready to kill if he had to.

“Give me the fucking keys.” He growled, clawing his nails deep into the skin of the arm locking his movements down, bleed as he may Daryl didn’t budge, he’d kept Rick’s eyes steadily.

“Yer in no condition t’drive man.” He spoke, slow for every word to reach, still just holding Rick’s eyes, letting him latch onto something steady. If he hadn’t been in an all-seeing red panic need to get to the hospital, he’d have found it amusing that Daryl had said that, although he wasn’t drunk he wasn’t exactly completely sober either. He didn’t calm down, but he did spend the entire ride to the hospital in the passenger seat, legs moving up and down, hands going over his thighs, never stopping until they got there.

* * *

Lori had been a mess when he’d spent his arrival at the hospital scaring the shit out of the station nurse trying to get the floor and room he needed to go to, the pediatrician ward wasn’t enough to go on and he was pretty sure later, when he’d calmed down, that he’d more or less threatened the poor woman. But he’d gotten there, Lori had been crying and flung herself from Shane to him, hugged and cried some more while letting bits of the situation slip between the sobs and he let her take her time with it while he had held his arm out for Carl who’d looked passively terrified. It wasn’t Judith’s first fever ever, kids got a lot of them, Carl had too when he’d been a kid, but it had been a while since the last one and Lori hadn’t been part of her life when it used to happen, they had taken her to the hospital just to be safe, then it had started spiking, so of course Lori was in a panic and had called him, Rick knew that the fever spiking hadn’t happened before.

To their relief she wasn’t critical, but under observation while the pediatrician was working on keeping the fever in check, time hadn’t seemed to matter for the four of them, slotted together with Carl and Lori between Shane and Rick just outside Judith’s room. They’d gotten to go in and see her twice, but had been recommended to wait outside as much as possible while she stabilized, mother and son had dozed off late into the evening, exhausted, Carl leaning on Rick with his father’s arm around him and Lori had her head tilted onto Shane’s shoulder, it had been a few hours, that much he knew but he hadn’t checked the time. _Whatever whoever was calling_ , he’d been a complete idiot, he’d almost ignored something so important because.. Daryl. Rick twitched, mentally cursing himself when Carl stirred, he hadn’t seen Daryl since the station nurse, he hadn’t even cared and for good reason, but now that things had calmed down, when he’d calmed down, he did remember the guy had driven him to the hospital. Rick guessed he must have left, he’d said it, there was nothing between them, it had all been Rick’s imagination, shit he would fight to believe it wasn’t true but he was exhausted and the thought that maybe Daryl was right lingered no matter what Carol had told him before, so he probably wasn’t waiting somewhere else to let the family have a moment to themselves.

“Lori’s crashed man, Carl too.” Shane whispered over her brunette head after the doctor had come by to notify them that her fever had gone down but they would keep her for a few hours for observation and hopefully, for it to subside completely. She’d said these things happened, not too often but that Judith’s fever had been another regular one that had been more intense than usual, but that they shouldn’t worry.

“Yeah, why don’t you take them home to get some rest, come back in a few hours, I’ll be here.” He suggested, although convincing Lori had been another challenge. In the end she’d agreed to go home, after countless of reassurances that Rick would keep an eye on their baby girl and as soon as they’d gotten some sleep and some food they could come and relieve him if Judith still needed to stay. She’d come a long way since the rocky start with her daughter, he’d told her she was everything a little girl could wish to have in a mother but that she needed her rest too so she could be there for her. Rick wanted that for her, for Shane and, Carl too, when he’d rubbed his eyes and said he would stay with Rick, he’d kissed his sons head and asked that he helped Shane out, keeping an eye on his mother.

“Call if you need anything.” Shane had said and pulled Lori into one side and despite Carl being thirteen, he hadn’t complained when Shane had hefted him up and onto his side, the kid clinging to him like he was five again, Rick had finally felt himself relax and he’d given his friend a small smile, he really had been the perfect choice for Lori, asshole Shane who’d always pull through with his hidden pure heart when you needed it. He was truly happy for her, for him and his kids.

Rick was the last one still at the hospital on the same stiff bench with a padding that was probably worse than if it had been bare wood, when the others had left, clear awake from force of will alone, watching the room, waiting while guarding his girl. It had been one messed up day, he couldn’t summarize it as anything but that, though three hours of sleep and he was still going strong, that said something about adrenaline and the will of a parent worrying about their kid and he knew that if he’d been the one dozed off, Lori would have held watch, but he guessed maybe that was just how his life was, it never stopped fucking with him, the only upside was that it didn’t always bring him to the top of his spirits to then push him down, still, he just wanted a fucking break.

“How she doin’?” Rick had almost jumped out of his skin a while later, he wasn’t sure, maybe an hour, could have been two, probably two since a nurse had just passed by on her round and he’d followed everyone focused enough to calculate their pattern, knowing every move down to the tiniest detail. His first instinct after almost being scared to death was attacking, but, he remembered, hospital, Judith was okay, he just had some nerves still brewing about in his stomach.

He wasn’t sure what to think when he put that voice to a face, he knew it all too well but what he was even doing there was beyond Rick. They hadn’t exactly had a top ten of best conversations lately, but he was there, with a an old bag from Rick’s apartment flung over his shoulder as he seemed to hesitate, waiting for Rick to reply before he so much as breathed.

“Fevers gone down, they think it should be passing if nothing else happens.” It seemed to have been enough for Daryl and the man closed in the last few steps, dropped the bag down next to Rick’s feet before he pulled out a granola bar from his jacket and held it out to Rick.

“Eat.” He simply said, right, fucking nothing made sense. He looked from the granola bar to Daryl, then back to the granola bar when Daryl pointedly nudged it closer.

“I don’t like granola bars.” He tried, reasonably he knew he should be hungry but he still couldn’t feel it, eating wasn’t anything tempting and what if he stomach cramped because he ate and Judith’s fever got worse? Anything could happen, especially in his life.

“Ye don’ get t’ be picky Rick. Eat.” He bit out hard enough to startle, grabbing Rick’s hand and placed the wrapped bar right into his palm before he sat down on the bench, reaching down to the bag to dig through it, pulling out a bottle of water from the quick throw together he seemed to have in the bag.

“’n drink.” It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Daryl had practically said they were nothing at all, that there was never anything to save between them, but his presence there still felt so warm, the granola bar, the bottle of water, the squeeze in his chest that begged Daryl not to do this to him again, left unvoiced.

“Geez.” It was so simple, the completely different mood at the annoyance and how Daryl took the bar from him when Rick still didn’t move a finger, just watching. He heard the paper rip open, the bar breaking in half before he handed one of the halves over again, this time he did take the half offered to him, taking a nibble to crunch between his teeth, awakening his hunger enough to take a solid bite, then another, chewing and swallowing before he put the last bit in his mouth that he swallowed down with the water Daryl had uncapped and given him after he’d taken the last bite.  He’d gotten the second half after that, eating it without complaint and washing it down with the water while Daryl had pulled out three more like he had some kind of infinite stash hidden inside his jacket, no, Rick’s jacket? That was definitely Rick’s jacket, fitting too tightly on his torso even when it wasn’t closed, because it couldn’t be closed, Rick was slimmer than him.

“You went to my place.” He said, it hadn’t taken an expert into figuring that out and yeah, Rick had jumped out of the car almost still running so that made sense, Daryl had his keys.

“One more.” Daryl had insisted instead answering Rick’s statement, it felt like a bribe, the way he put it, but Rick grabbed another granola bar, ripping the wrapping off and munched it down, yeah he really had been starving, one hadn’t been enough, the second hit just the spot for his anxious stomach, sighing delightfully at being satisfied while saying no more.

“Grabbed ye a hoodie, mm, jacket.” He seemed to be going through his list of theft while he pulled the jacket off his arms and shoulders to fold it, putting it over the bag on the floor after pulling out the hoodie and a blanket.

“’n t’food o’course.” He continued, bundling the hoodie up while Rick thought he’d gotten it out for him to put it on, until Daryl put the bundle in his lap.

“Common, ye gotta’ get some sleep.” Rick just felt himself staring, how was he even supposed to sleep and what the fuck was Daryl even doing, the food, the clothes, he didn’t even smell too heavily of alcohol, rather Rick could pick out tooth paste, coffee and soap, then he was telling him to get some sleep when he wasn’t even supposed to be there. Daryl must have seen it in his eyes, his questioning.

“Haven’t we argued ‘nough fer one day? I’ll wake ye ‘f they so much as drop a pen too close t’ little A, ‘s all ‘bout her, she don’ need her old man stringin’ out ‘n her.” He gently cocked his head in Rick’s direction, his eyes were warmer, not at all flooded with hostility like they had at the cabin and when Rick didn’t budge, Daryl reached willingly to touch, carefully putting his fingers on the other side of Rick’s neck and urged him to lay down and Rick felt himself caving, felt his head lay down on the make-shift pillow in Daryl’s lap so he’d be able to fit laying down on the bench, felt the blanket drape over him in a messy pull but it flattened out enough to cover his chest and waist. It was the exact same he’d done for Lori, what Daryl was doing for him. The last thing he felt as his eyes slid close, was the light stroke of rough fingers over his hair, once.. twice, then..

When Rick woke up, he did so in a daze, his sleep clutching too him, could feel his eyes still sore under his closed lids, begging him to keep resting for a few hours more, when he woke up, it was definitely to Shane’s voice.

 _“Dixon, the fuck are you doing here_?”  He merely listened while he battled his sleep, felt his hoodie pillow shift with the tensing of muscles beneath it, before he heard Daryl hiss Shane’s last name in spite, adding a poetic touch to the _fuck off_ before telling Shane to keep it down.

 _“Friend of Rick’s?”_ He heard Lori’s low voice, tuning the tone down to Rick’s not so sleeping state anymore.

 _“Yeah, that’s Daryl.”_  He heard Carl explain before Shane could get his opinion in, followed by a greeting between his current human pillow and his son before Lori introduced herself. For all the dinners Daryl had snuck out to avoid meeting her, Rick heard them greet for the first time, felt the careful shift when they most likely shook hands right next to him.

 _“You’ve kept an eye on him over night?”  
“Yes ma’m.”  
“And you know Shane too?”  
“Yes ma’m. Ain’t no friends.”  
“And how do you know Rick?”   
“He’s usually at the dinners we have on Fridays, mom he’s friends with Carol and Sophia too.”  
“Really, I’ve never seen you there when I’ve picked the kids up.”  
“Must’ve had bad timin’ ma’m.”  
  
_Truth had to come out sooner or later, causing some confusion on his ex-wife’s side when apparently the man in which lap, her former husband was sleeping in, had been a frequent guest at Rick’s. Rick was thankful Carl didn’t elaborate more into their previous multiple sleepovers outside from the dinners, but he thought that was as good of a timing as any to wake up, his eyes had stopped stinging him as much and he was following all the sounds too actively he didn’t think he could manage to go back to sleep even if he wanted to. And, as much as he enjoyed listening to Daryl’s nervous and over-polite take toward Lori while shamelessly declaring his non-relationship with Shane, he wanted an update on his daughter.

 “Eat.” Had been the first thing he got, the wrapping paper being ripped the second he started getting up and then when he was finally sitting, the bar had almost been shoved straight into his mouth while Daryl was glaring over in Shane’s direction, Lori was standing with pretty brown confused eyes and Carl was just looking between the three of the adults.

“Judith?” Rick asked, taking the third granola bar from Daryl’s hidden stash from his fingers, amount left, still unknown.

“We just talked to the doctor, her fever has passed so they just want her around for two more hours or so, she’s sleeping but we were going to go in and sit with her.” She glanced between Daryl and Shane and their obvious display of dislike for the other while Rick lazily took bites from the bar, at least they stopped staring daggers with the news, a moment of peace in the group when they could all breathe. Daryl looked like shit, he noticed, he’d managed to freshen up to kill most of the post-intoxicated smell of alcohol before Rick had gone to sleep but now after it, he really looked like shit. His eyes had dark pits beneath them with the rest of the skin lighter like he hadn’t slept in years, almost mummified to its texture, one eye slightly hanging more than the other, scrounging a bit which was no doubt a nasty headache and although he was usually warm enough to radiate when sitting close by, Rick couldn’t feel it.

“Drink. Then ye go in an’ check ‘n little A.” Rick held his hand out the second he said drink like he’d been taught into a routine by these small maneuvers taking place in the limited hours at the hospital, taking the bottle Daryl handed to him, the same quarter of water left from the night and he gulped it all down, just hours ago it had just been water washing down his dry throat but now it tasted fresh and rejuvenating as it slid down.

 “Got ‘im t’sleep five hours I think, ye should take ‘im home with ye later, he could use t’family time.” Daryl had said with his head down, packing the hoodie into the bag before he strapped the jacket beneath the burdock handles.

“I’m right here.” Rick complained, watching Daryl hand the bag over to whoever grabbed it first, holding his scowl back when it was Shane who reached for it but made the exchange regardless of his personal feelings toward the man.

“There’s some fruit’n there too.” He’d said, passing on Rick’s keys next like they didn’t actually belong to Rick until he’d gotten a good night’s rest and Shane just went along with it, didn’t even question the fact that Daryl had them nor the fist bump between him and Carl, hinting that he could dig in on the contents of the bag too. He had fucking fruit and he hadn’t said so when Rick had complained about granola bars. Asshole.

“That’s your ride home you’re handing over, just take the car, we’ll come pick it up later or you can stay and I’ll drive you home later?” Daryl only shifted slightly when Rick got up and spoke, allowed him to put his hand against the elbow with a gentle pressure in silent appreciation in how much it really had meant to him, now that he could start realizing it.

“Nah, I’ll work somethin’ out.” Daryl said, shaking his head when Shane reluctantly held they keys out at Rick’s offer.

“Daryl.” Rick tried. Daryl simply shifted Rick’s hand from his elbow, reversing their limbs so he could push Rick toward the room, making him stumble for a few steps.

“Go see yer girl already.” Lori had chuckled and Daryl had ducked his head to hide from her amusement of the move, she and Carl had followed after Rick’s forced steps toward the room afterwards and Rick had glanced back once more, watching Daryl stretch his entire body upwards with popping joints and all, remembering he’d said five hours and he’d probably moved just as much as he had when Sophia had dozed off on him, so, nothing at all unless Rick had shifted from him during his sleep. At least he got to hear one of the most priceless exchanges he would ever get, Shane swallowing his pride when the two of them had lingered outside the door.

“Hey Dixon? Thanks.” His voice had been reluctant, but it had been nothing but honest and the leaving rough gruff replying to him.

“Fuck off Walsh.” It made Rick smile because the usual spite wasn’t there, carefully it voiced of a new found but yet fickle common ground, Rick made sure it was the first thing Shane saw when he joined them inside the room.

* * *

Rick hadn’t gotten to go home to his apartment and he’d gotten dragged to Lori’s when they’d taken Judith home when she’d woken up an hour after they’d gone in to sit with her. They had forced him to eat another granola bar and an apple when they had gotten there, along with a freshly made sandwich with ham and two slices of tomatoes. Apparently, as Shane had emptied the contents of the bag Daryl had packed, there had been roughly twelve additional bars along with Shane’s _damn Dixon, if you didn’t know what else to get you just buy more of it?_ Well, there had been the fruit too. They’d let him play with Judith until he’d started yawning and they’d tucked him into the guest room bed, told him to sleep for a few more hours and he had to admit, sleeping with the soft noises of his family accompanying him as he drifted, wasn’t too bad.

After he’d caught up on his sleep, he’d been met with a text message from Carol that he’d read as he made his way downstairs.  
 _“Picked him up a while ago, he’s sleeping. Glad Judith’s okay, send them my best okay?”_

They had been in the kitchen with toasts and eggs when he’d come down the stairs, making him a plate as he joined them in the kitchen with a mug of fresh and steaming coffee he greedily reached for, relishing in the taste as it spread through his mouth, perking straight into his brain after his extended hours of no coffee at all.

“I never knew you were buddies with Dixon, I mean I know you had a soft spot for him but I didn’t think you hung out with him.” Shane had said and Rick actually felt like he was trying to talk with an open mind about it, rather than his usual judgmental state of mind when it came to the lesser liked folk of the town. The soft whisper of evidential _common ground_ trailed like a delicate dance inside his head.

“It never really came up, besides, listening to you after even mentioning either of them wasn’t exactly my idea of a fun day.” He raised his eyebrows in Shane’s direction, stabbing his fork into one of his eggs to take a bite while Lori sat down with a plate of her own.

“Just surprised I hadn’t seen him over at your place if he’s joined those dinners of yours.” She hummed thoughtfully, probably trying to remember clues, such as an additional pair of shoes or a jacket that wasn’t Rick’s style, brain calculating visibly in her eyes as she seemed to remember the details she hadn’t thought about when she’d picked the kids up all those times.

“He skipped town for a couple of months, only just came back if the rumors are true.” Shane enlightened her. “Maybe that’s why, he hasn’t actually been there in a long time.”

“I guess that makes sense, so Rick is friends with him but you’re not?” She questioned and Rick could watch Shane squirm all day for the amusing sight it provided, Lori leaving him near powerless while she patiently waited and Rick held back a laugh.

“I fucked up, pissed him off, I’ve tried to do better after well.. he put our differences aside to help me out.” Rick clapped his friend on his shoulder when he’d finally managed to form the entire sentence through the difficult process of admitting it.

“Wait, Daryl was the younger brother you guys had your fight because of? “ She asked, clicking the pieces together and Rick felt the gnawing worry that her previous stuck ways that were so similar to Shane would ruin the nice lunch they had together, but Shane nodded, so did Rick, although reluctantly.

“He does look the part but I wouldn’t have guessed, I know you said Dixon but he was so polite I didn’t even think of it, especially not after seeing you sleeping soundly in his lap.” Rick almost choked on his second bite of eggs, the Lori he knew before wouldn’t have said something like that, she’d taken pride in being raised in a proper family, used to things being nice and pretty and she’d tried to change his mind during his and Shane’s fight regardless of the facts that were relevant. He’d thought she’d toss out some comment about having someone like him around their kids and instead she straight out reminded him that he had indeed slept in his lap.

“It was sweet.” She smiled, love really did make a difference and she was glowing, damn beautiful and Rick felt proud over her for how far she’d come with her life, her kids and their family. She was right too, it had been sweet. After being riled up not only from an argument he wasn’t sure he was going to win or if it was just getting out of hand, with the only reoccurring response to Rick’s main _why_ was that there had never been, nor would be, anything real between them and everything going blank after Lori had called, Daryl had gone and done the exact opposite of rejecting Rick. He’d thought about it in the hospital too, but with a little more confusion, but now? Daryl hadn’t had any reason at all to drive Rick over, making sure he ate, made sure he got some sleep, promising to wake him up for anything, he didn’t owe Rick that and with the kiss that had caused it all? There wasn’t any way they were just nothing, except he’d clearly said it was all for Judith.

“You know, Daryl’s awesome, he let me watch when he was fixing Hershel’s tractor, told me what he was doing and everything and he’s always teaching Sophia things.” Carl chipped in, mouth full of a messy mix of bacon and eggs. Lori looked from Rick down to Carl.

“And you certainly didn’t say anything either.” Carl just shrugged, personating the man of the topic. “It became our secret, was cool, besides, you would have freaked before.” Lori smacked him gently in the back of his head for his teasing smile in her direction and choice to not use any sugarcoating.

 “So do you know if he got home alright?” She asked, showing honest to god concern.

“Mhm, had a text from Carol when I woke up, she picked him up, said he was sleeping and to give you her best.”

“Oh, that’s good then, he looked worse than you did when you came to the hospital yesterday and tell her thanks when you talk to her okay?”

“Yeah I will.” Rick promised.

“Alright, going to go check on Judith.” She said, gathering her plate up and putting it on the counter top, waiting to clean it up until all plates were stacked on hers.

“Carl if you’re done eating, why don’t you go wash your hands and help your mom out okay?” Shane suggested, Carl only complained about being a teenager now and didn’t need to be told to wash his hands after dinner like he was a kid, although he’d just clung to Shane like he had been just recently.

“You know Rick.. he left around the same time you became a moping mess, is it connected?” Shane had asked after Carl and his little staring contest had brought smiles before the kid had gone to wash up and join his mother and sister.

“Shane..” Rick tried to evade.

“The timeline fits Rick, back when I called you at Crosser’s I thought you’d just taken him on as your problem and I happily obliged because he was being a real piece of shit. But this morning, you seemed close so yeah, I guess he wasn’t just a problem, so man I gotta ask, is it?” Shane held his eyes firm, he wasn’t going to let this conversation slide and Rick actually started feeling like, maybe, just maybe he didn’t want it to either anymore.

“Shit, yeah. Everything was fine and then, I found out his brother passed away and that he was long gone already, it wasn’t just me he left, Carol and Sophia too, it was a mess for all of us.” He confessed, sighing deeply, seeking comfort in his half empty mug of coffee.

“Damn, I know you said..” Shane attempted.

“I know what I said Shane. Oh god I can’t believe I am having this conversation with you.” Rick groaned but he couldn’t completely complain, Shane was his friend since they’d been kids, they were partners at work and although they had talked less during his and Lori’s stay in Atlanta, they hadn’t lost touch and Shane had joined them on occasion at Hershel’s.

“I can’t believe we haven’t had it yet, I know me and Dixon aren’t the greatest fans of one another, but dude we’ve been friends forever.” Rick lowered his mug, sheepishly smiling at Shane, he should have had this conversation earlier, he should have trusted Shane with the ability to work through his own shortcomings. But there was the reason why he couldn’t have had it before.

“That doesn’t make it any easier to just come out and say I fell in love with the guy and he broke my heart when he left without a word.” But Shane knew what he’d said, so there it went, Rick giving it some solid ground to stand on.

“Whoa dude what, you were in love with him? He was _the_ interest that didn’t pan out and not just the rough patch part?” Shane caught him by surprise with those words. Rick had thought.. Shane had said he knew what Rick had meant, he’d said he knew, hadn’t he? Rick placed the mug back on the table, hands clutching around it.

“You mean you didn’t.. but you said.. fucking hell Shane.” Rick couldn’t believe it.

“I was going to say I know you said it was a rough patch, but I wouldn’t have imagined the scale of it, I didn’t even think you were such good friends until this morning and with Carol and her kid alright, that hadn’t been the reason so we just didn’t know what caused it, we were worried man.” Shane explained, lowering his head but keeping his eyes on Rick, telling him he was listening, that Rick didn’t need to feel like should be shutting up like.

“You got to make up your mind about being smart or being dumb man, this is killing me.” Rick shook his head, laughing softly at the fat and twisted misunderstanding.

“Hey, I may have been small-town for all my life but I’m still a cop and because I am such a kind hearted friend I am not going to take offense to that. But jesus my best friend was in love with a dude.” Shane replied, sitting back in his chair with such a dorky smile on his face, Rick didn’t know if he should let it affect him as much as it did.

“Is.. “ Rick corrected him instead, raised an eyebrow while he waited for Shane’s reaction.

 “Shit are you planning to tell him?” Well that hadn’t been what he expected, something along with Shane loving him but was Rick crazy? Seemed to fit Shane more and he was thankful.

“He already knows or he should by now.” Well, he guessed they were indeed having this conversation in the end, except it as restricted to a relationship in overall as it was directed to his newly admitted love.

“The hell, and he was fine with it?” Shane asked and Rick noted not only his breakfast, but Shane’s too had gone forgotten on their plates, their conversation serving as a priority in Lori’s kitchen.

“He.. hm no? I may have spent yesterday trying to talk to him while getting rejected with all kinds of shit he could find.” Rick admitted, not that he liked remembering it.

“But he still came to the hospital and he didn’t put a shiner on you?” Rick raised his head, settled enough to reach for his mug of coffee again.

“Yeah, took my keys and drove me when I started freaking out after talking to Lori, came back later, wasn’t like he had a reason to do what he did after the argument we had but he would do that for Judith, it’s how he is.” Rick explained, watched how Shane soaked it all in, added _the way he is_ to his new found knowledge on how little he actually knew.

 “Are you grossed out now?” Rick carefully asked, it had to be done, his best friend had just admitted to having feelings for a guy, Shane wouldn’t kick him for it but it wasn’t like Rick could ask him to accept it just on the spot, although from the conversation so far Rick hoped he didn’t actually have to worry about it. Still, he couldn’t just take Shane for granted.

“I mean it’s weird, I never thought you were even close to _that_ , but I want to smack him for breaking your heart, so I guess I’m alright with it in the long haul but you still got to give me time to process, but man are you sure?” Shane voiced, eyes with concern in them.

 “Yeah, I’m sure, about me at least, not so much about him anymore.” It was only fair he’d give Shane time to process, only fair because that concern didn’t question his choice of love but from the hurt Shane had seen so far, if he was still sure he wanted to pursue it.

“So.. can I smack him?” Shane grabbed for his own mug while Rick huffed a laugh after swallowing a sip of his own.

“No, I already did, but that was for Sophia, it’s still a no though, I don’t need it to get any worse between you two again, and what, no _shit Rick, it’s a Dixon, piece of shit redneck trash_?” Rick teased, even with the small worries, they were good, Shane was good.

“Oh common Rick, if he can manage twist your lovebuds I can dislike him less, I’m not about to admit I’ve been wrong, yet, but shit man, apparently he’s gone all domestic family dinners and shit what do I know, trying to keep it leveled here.” Shane defended himself, smile playing on his face.

“Took you long enough.” Rick kicked back, like they were having just another conversation and he hadn’t just come out of the Daryl specific closet.

“Man you saw him at the hospital back then, he was crazy, then again at Crosser’s. Rick I trust your judgment but I thought your judgment wasn’t sailing right for a while there. Get off my back already, I’m trying okay.” Shane continued, asking Rick to cut him some slack and he would.

 “Yeah, you are.” Rick smiled in return to that warm wide one Shane had on his own face.

“Okay so with that awkward part out of the way, what about smacking him for Sophia you said?” He guessed he’d have to offer some more of the story, shit he kind of wanted to, being able to talk about it like this.

“Yeah, um, the whole thing is a bit personal so I won’t go into detail, but they were friends before I got to know him, Carol was the one who started our dinners by dragging his ass over and he’s close with them. So when he left, we could deal with it, but it wasn’t fair on Sophia, she adores him and he adores her, she didn’t deserve the way he did things so when I found out he hadn’t talked to us or her after being back for three weeks I just.. sort of punched him for not telling her.” Rick explained and Shane actually, honestly seemed offended of the situation that had been.

“What the fuck, three weeks?” He emphasized, just to make sure for himself it seemed and Rick nodded.

“Yeah, he just said it was better like that, without him around.” Shane wasn’t impressed.

“So what he thought you’d be pissed enough to tell him to fuck off then?” Okay so he was actually somewhat smart, dumb-smart if so. Rick shook his head, he’d thought the same, or at least he was sure now that had been the sole intention of it.

“Yeah, I think that was the plan, but he’s back for dinners now so that’s was a start, at least I hope he still is after yesterday. I just don’t know what to do from here, I tried to push yesterday but that didn’t go well at all, had we continued I’m not sure there would have been anything left.” Rick stirred the mug in his hand, that little worry gnawing itself back into his belly, that possibly there really were nothing left, the thought that was fighting with the hospital, the granola bars and the lap pillow, Daryl’s voice whispering inside his head to _sleep_.

“So wait, when you said you weren’t sure about him, what did that mean?” Rick chuckled though, forced his worry away when Shane seemed to have all too many questions and thinking it would overload and fry his mind if Rick let it go on.

“Alright I think that’s enough information for your brain in one day.” He tried to wrap it up, but then, Shane, just looked at him, all still, invested and wanting to know.

“No wait, Rick man common, like what, there’s a chance?” He’d said, but fuck if this talk didn’t lift a load from him even though he thought he shouldn’t be burdening Shane with too much in such a short time.

“I don’t know Shane, we were kind of.. already involved before he left, but he’s kept his distance since coming back and it’s not like there was anything with a stamp on it back then, shit I didn’t even realize I was in love with him until he left.” Rick allowed it then, because Shane was still looking at him like he wanted to understand better.

“Whoah, I mean I never thought you were.. but him even less, you’re right, this is enough information for one day. Lori’s going to be bummed about Jessie though, she was really looking forward to that.” Fucking Shane, Rick let his head fall back, asking to know then teasingly taking Rick’s half assed attempt as his own. Dumb-smart, _friend_.

“Me and  Jessie are on the same page about that, we weren’t ready to get back on the market, we talked about it before and yeah now he’s back, but man, don’t tell Lori yet, this stays alright?” Rick asked, just between the two of them.

“Alright man, sure, whatever you need.” Shane didn’t hesitate and Rick found it amusing that for all caving Shane did for Lori, how their relationship had soften his edges and brought something pure out of him, he’d refrain from telling her because Rick asked for it. Rick understood though, that there would come a time when they would, together maybe or Shane alone, but they would.

“Thanks.”

* * *

Talking with Shane had been interesting to say the least. It wasn’t what he had expected, in all honesty he hadn’t expected to have that kind of talk with Shane at all and definitely not being on the receiving end of him being somewhat understanding. He’d promised himself before that he would tell them at some point, but he hadn’t thought it would be so early on, if you started counting the time from when Daryl had gotten back to town at least, just because Shane had one smart moment about every other month, the one he had to perk up on was connecting the dump mood and Daryl’s ditching town, it wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Rick still felt the urge to smother his face with his hands and groan whenever Shane’s bright moment made itself reminded in his head. But it was done, once Shane’s curiosity peaked it was hard to get him to back off, which speaking of, Rick thought was exactly what he had to do. He had gotten rejected in multiple ways after all, kept hearing the shit Daryl had spewed while Rick had tried to reason with him, he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to face the man after the revelation of Merle’s passing and the way Daryl had spat it at him like Rick had just been some toxic fix for his problems, how Rick had been a convenience. So maybe that was all there had been to it, a prolonged weakened moment and Rick’s good timing of getting swept into it and getting diseased with feelings built upon nothing but a torturous fix for the pain of losing his brother.

He’d lingered at Lori’s until dinner, enjoying the temporary peace of mind where he didn’t need to dig into his own gut about the last 24 hours, telling himself he needed to stop believing there was always more to it when there wasn’t, Daryl had told him so but then again. Rick logically knew Daryl would bite and chew if he was backed into a corner and Rick guessed, it was close to what he’d done. So he needed to go, to the once place he knew he needed then.

“He’s not here, but you know that.” Carol had stated once Rick had arrived at her apartment, apologetic smile on his face and all for intruding. She’d had a stern twist to her face at first, a little stubborn yet, understanding before she softened and pushed the door open for him. He did know that, had waited long enough to make sure he wouldn’t be there by the time Rick got there.

“I think I fucked up.” Rick worried while walking inside, kicking his shoes off before looking up, finding Carol offering her arms to him and he took them with her soft _c’mere_ as she hugged him.

“You didn’t.” She voiced, her faith in Rick unwavering enough to make her thin arms feel crushing around him. She squeezed once before she started letting go, Rick pulling himself back while breathing down, he didn’t get the feeling that she knew what had happened and yet she didn’t seem to need it, what little she knew had been enough for her to be sure of her choice to console him. Carol didn’t ask about it, she only brought Rick with her, making a quick stop at Sophia’s room to check on her, asking if she needed anything before she hit the power button on the TV and sat herself down.

“How can you even be sure I didn’t?” He asked as he settled into the sofa along with her, Carol flicking through the channels, pausing at the first movie playing.

“No kids tonight?” She asked instead, delaying her reply while putting the remote down on the table.

“I asked Shane and Lori to let them stay, going to pick Judith up in the morning and spend the day with her just in case.” He said, picking up her light hum while she processed his words, probably figuring everything out on her own because she was smart like that, probably knew him better than he knew himself at this point.

“Stay and watch a movie then, not every day I get two honored guests in one day.” She continued, pulling her feet up next to her, sliding them to the side so they sat shoulder to shoulder, not quite hip to hip but close enough and for the moment it was required, it did distract Rick enough to feel at ease again. Like the mere thought that he hadn’t fucked up needed to sink in completely with the silence that followed, the endless sappy lines on the drama playing on the screen accompanying them for as long as Carol thought he needed it and by the time she did speak, he had stopped worrying too much about it.

“He’s been trying to keep both, it’s how I know I know it’s not on you Rick, he just doesn’t realize it’s actually hurting you more than he thinks.” She said and Rick thought the delay in her response had been similar to the deep breath tactic and he thought that if she hadn’t waited with her response, he may have actually ended up making his worries worse, they had been calmer since the hospital but he’d been ready to blow them all up again.

 “If I back off, _you won’t let me_?” He gave her a weak smile, she’d promised him that day, she may have said that Daryl would let him if he backed off, but she’d meant that she wouldn’t.

 “I didn’t exactly let him either, you two were just..  it’s not that, for you that was different. Shit I’m so sorry Rick, I never thought it would go so wrong, I never meant..” She paused, taking a breath, collecting herself like she was back at the diner when she’d decided to ask him for help. Holding on to a scrap of strength but not completely believing in it, after all the months, it looked foreign on her, she looked fragile again. How hadn’t he seen it when she’d opened the door? She looked guilty, she was apologizing. Rick thought back to her words on Friday, they’d meant something, he realized. She never shoved her hands in, she’d console with words to piece things together, to provide warmth and hope, yet now when he looked at her, he realized this time she had and the effect of it was killing her beneath the surface.

“What did you do..” He regretted the slightly sterner tone that had stained his voice, made it sound ugly because watching her, next to him on the sofa, he saw a woman he loved for all she was and yet she hurt, because she’d tried to help him and it hadn’t, she watched her flawed work on his face with nothing but regret, looking like she’d take it all back if she could. He hated her looking like that, hated that he felt a bristling little nest of anger that she’d done something to cause it all to happen, it shouldn’t ever have been there, because he didn’t exactly know why it bristled as it did.

“I got involved Rick. For once, I fucking got involved and just one look at him today? I only caused more damage than aid, I don’t even know what happened but I know it’s my fault and I can’t change that, I can’t..” She sucked in her breath, trying desperately to catch it when it was trying to flee from her throat. His anger faded, he didn’t feel sorry for her, that wasn’t what it was about, she just loved him enough to border on breaking down because she felt guilty for whatever she’d done, she was damn cursing and that was unlike her.

“I don’t know how to fix this, I just wanted him to think so a while ago I said something he told me once, then after our Saturday, when we spoke, I couldn’t just do _nothing_ anymore, so I gave him a reminder.” She continued, shoulders pulled up, her entire body stiff like her muscles tightening together would be the only thing holding her together and he truly believed her as her voice explained, she hadn’t thought what she’d said would have made something change so badly as it did. He remembered the last hour of their dinner, the one that had changed everything, from the beer to the knots, her glances and his glares, they’d been conversing outside of his own reach. She’d emphasized her words in the hallway and what she’d said had left Daryl rooted to the floor, but that hadn’t been it, that hadn’t been the last push, her words may have kept him there but they hadn’t made Daryl break. It wasn’t her fault.

She looked like Daryl had at a few times, skittish and he had actually expected her to flinch away from his arm when he slowly reached around her. She didn’t, maybe she’d never used to flinch because Ed had beaten her down too many times that she’d become hollow. She didn’t comply at first, held all stiff back and unrelenting spine, trembling lightly from her guilt until she finally started inching toward him once he gently pulled her closer. Maybe she never used to flinch, but no, that wasn’t it, not when she turned blurry blue eyes in his direction, they didn’t ask for his forgiveness, they were ready to accept what punishment he wanted to give her, almost asking him to be mad at her. She didn’t flinch like an old habit voicing its battle cry amidst a charge because shit, it was so simple, because he wasn’t Ed, he wasn’t just somebody else, he was someone she’d hurt for of her own choosing, someone she’d sacrifice for and this time was no different and the truth became painfully clear, her words hadn’t been the reason why everything had fallen apart. He needed her to know that.

“Stop that, you listen to me young lady.” He told her, a kindness twisted into the stern tone of his voice, telling her between the lines to keep looking him in the eyes to really listen and she trembled a smile, like she couldn’t phantom he wasn’t angry at her for getting in between, the forgiving notch of _young lady_ letting her sniffle back some snot as she refused to cry. Now that was an old habit voicing its battle cry loud and clear, so Rick fought on.

“This isn’t your fault, I don’t think it is. You told me I didn’t fuck up, you looked at me like there was no way from heaven to hell, now I am telling you, you didn’t either, whatever happened? Happened after, happened between me and him. We finally shifted, I’ve been enduring my ass off all this time, trying to connect again and nothing, I don’t think it would have shifted if I had been on my own Carol. I was gifted a chance to feel _us_ again, that moment? It was everything, I got consumed, but it felt real even if I still doubt it more times than not, I just have to keep reminding myself that maybe it was, maybe I have to try and find out again. I just haven’t completely figured out why he got spooked. Now, you’re Carol Peletier and despite your nose being all snotty, you’ve saved my ass too many times to count and I know that you’ll get it through your head that it’s wasn’t your fault because finally, you have to listen to me, and this won’t be how you’ll deal with it is it?” He asked, asking her to find her strength again.

“You still want that?” She asked.

“I do.” Rick promised and she straightened up on the sofa to face him directly, wiping her nose with the sleeve of her cardigan. He knew from just a slight shift in the hold of her back that he better pay attention.

“He’s stubborn, he’s been running ever since he came back, from you that is, but you’re stubborn too unless you’ve forgotten about that, I know you didn’t fuck up because, knowing him, he made it into a reason for you to fuck up, so it doesn’t count, he’s just finding an out for himself and enforcing you to believe it.” She started, hesitatingly at the start but slowly finding her ground again, soaking up courage from Rick’s effort to keep her steady, to revert the cracks she’d fumbled forth. She’d taken a moment, faltering for just a beat, maybe two, slipping slightly but he let his arm leave her shoulders, stroking a thumb just below her eye to erase the tear that had manage to escape, helping her to refuse she’d ever cried again, that she ever would, aside for tears of joy. From when Sophia would graduate high school, when she’d go to college, when she’d get married and Carol would watch her walk her future down the aisle. She stuttered a weak laugh, gathering herself again.

“Now you know you’re fluent in Dixon by now, should be at least or I’d be worried, so you’re welcome to stay for as long as you want and you know I’ll hug you through it if you want, or you’d hug me through it, but I think you already you have somewhere else to be, maybe not _there_ right away, but in time. To let your mind breathe, understand how far back this goes because I don’t think you’ve given that a proper thought, you’re not someone who settles into the role of rolling belly up Rick so don’t pretend you are.” Now she let him soak it in, maintained her settled look in his eyes and he smiled at her, smiled at the Carol he knew, the Carol she’d claimed after she’d been set free from her former husband, and with his smile she pulled his seeped mess of a body tucked back against hers as a blessing. They returned their attention to the TV. It was fucking ridiculous and she was fucking right, but he’d known that when he knocked on her door, then Rick, out of nowhere laughed as he remembered.

“Fucking Shane figured it out. It was a damn bright moment and one glorious misunderstanding but god damn.” She followed tune, with a sniffle or two mixed into it.

 


	24. Pussyfootin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right so I couldn't wait, been tuning this in the mornings and had a little bit of time to go through it today. It's different, this chapter, it's very different and I apologize if it doesn't actually give you a sense of accomplishment to the story all in all. But I'm excited, I've said I had a lot of fun writing this special version but I guess, I mean, fun had little to do with it. It was still fun, but rather it was more exploring, a different kind of chapter which I just felt needed to be there the way it was going to be written and still so much excitment! If fun had little to do with it, I loved the kind of voice this required, so I've been looking forward to actually being able to post this for a while now.

“Hey.”

“You know, I feel like I owe you. It’s weird really, because I shouldn’t, I never had a proper conversation with you. We barely ever met. I guess few had that chance, no, not chance, ability is more like it, few had the ability to bring out a proper conversation from you because you didn’t really give chances did you?”

“But it’s how, at least I, could know you weren’t all you set out to be for the world, that in a way it gives me comfort to know this because he had you and you had him.”

 “I’ll be honest with you, my car is working but I’ve hit a roadblock, sort of, he’s using you against me. It’s odd, because you can’t do anything about it and I can only try to find a way that I can, but that’s not the only reason it’s odd, when I think about it, you’re what allowed me a snowballs chance in the first place, not the only one but, you made a difference, in many ways and now? You’re used as a reason to keep us apart, in a way, for him to keep me away. And it’s not even fair, the way it’s happening, to me, nor you, because it’s not about that right?”

“I blame you too, when I lay awake at night sometimes, I just can’t help it. I actually spent months blaming you along with my own insufficiency, that I fell short in everything involving this. We can’t rule out hurt, because we have to deal with it, it’s unavoidable and he’s no exception and I know he is, dealing, in his own way. It wasn’t your fault entirely, nor was it mine, I’ve come to know this because of that, but that doesn’t mean I can always believe it. We did what we could, shit you’re only where you are because you did what you had to do, right?”

“It’s just that some days, the bad days.. I’m sure you could relate, it’s just so damn easy to give in and blame someone else. I don’t mean to do it, it just happens, so I guess I want to offer you half an apology for throwing you under the bus every now and then.”

“But you only get a half, for now. Like I said, not entirely your fault, but you had some part to do with it and you know that, even if your decision was forced, I do get that. So at least in the end, okay I may sound like a sappy dork but, in the end that part that was your fault, I’d like to think that it’s such a small and insignificant one of the grand scale. So that’s something right, I have to try and believe that if I can, when I can, which is more often than I blame by now at least.”

“She would think the same you know. I can see she’s been visiting, could be they go together, could be she comes alone. But she does. They look fresh enough, that neat cut of the stem. She would either have this pouting frown on her face or she’d be singing some tune from the radio while working them into a bundle in her kitchen, I don’t know which one is correct. But I do know she doesn’t do it out of obligation, she’s not like that and I think you knew.”

 “Somehow you caught her eye too, that’s why it feels crazy to say, but I once asked her, around the time when Lori wanted to set me up with her stylist, if she ever thought about moving on. She grows them on her balcony you know, those flowers. That’s why I started thinking about this if you’re wondering. It’s not big, the flower bed, but she didn’t have one before.”

“She never really gave me an answer regarding the question, well, in a way she did, I guess, but it was an inadequate one, and it took me some time, namely being right here talking my ass off, looking at the flowers she grows to give you, remembering how neatly tidied that bed of flowers is, soft soil always perfectly dark but not soaked, but I think I know why now.”

“It’s only presenting itself as a mere suggestion, mind you me, but I think she’d have been good for you. Maybe you’d even been good for each other after she’d infected you with _her_ , which, with you in mind, wasn’t something I’d ever thought I’d hear myself say. But if I take a page from Lori’s book then I’d know that if _she_ approves, it’s good enough, that you were good enough despite what you made everyone believe. If said suggestion was even a little relevant at the time, then perhaps you’d already felt it growing. I know from her that you had a soft touch to a battered heart, I know from him too because in a way, you three were all similar, you hide the fragile cracks that can hurt you if accessible to someone else, ruses of anger, stubbornness and spiteful words and it was just my luck that I would end up with three of you to deal with.”

“I’m kidding, sorry, it’s not a very good joke. I’d deal with the three of you ten times over if I had to, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Anyways..”

 “The chance is high that you were a lot more honest with yourself than he is though, that you may have felt said suggestion, but you’d have waited for her to offer her hand before you even thought of taking it. Maybe I’m just crazy, it’s been a rough long extension of time, I hope you can excuse me for that, either rough or the fact that these _things_ seem to have a natural adaption in the art of evading my perception. I wasn’t very decent with my own feelings, at some points I even question how I once got myself to the point where I watched Lori walk down the aisle to be my wife when I couldn’t even realize how my stomach would flutter and how he’d make me smile, how it _meant something_.“

“He said he doesn’t feel, in fact he’s been near breaking me a few times because it’s always back and forth. He’ll claim of nothing and then he’ll do something that proves the opposite. The other day I went to put it all on the table, tried to make him listen but he refused to, for a moment I started believing in the reasons he gave me, that his rejection was truthful and almost justified. I faltered yes, I would probably have given up at the end of it because he’s so stupidly good at twisting my head that it hurts, but then my phone rang and before I knew it he took my keys and drove me over to the hospital to see my daughter, because quite frankly, I’d been losing my shit after that phone call. She’s fine by the way, but he did that for me, for her, grabbed me clothes, something to eat and drink, made sure I got some rest. He’s pure like that. It makes me want to cry because he can’t accept that he is. He doesn’t see how special and caring it makes him. I’m sure he did things like that for you too, didn’t he?” 

“Maybe you did them too, for him.”

 “I know you’d laugh, because you knew him, you knew he’s a big softie on the inside, you also knew how little he thinks of himself, I wonder if your overbearing nature was a way to shadow that, as some kind of life-long favor. That you hid his insecurities, striking out large and overbearing, not only for yourself but because it was your job to protect him, I’d like to believe that was the case because.. shit because it’s just a feeling I’m getting now alright?”

“Well, it breaks my heart that you can’t now, I understand why you threw yourself away for him, but it just fucking hurts that he doesn’t have you when he needs you and in a way, I guess that’s partly my fault now? Maybe, if I wasn’t around _you_ wouldn’t have to be _here_ to shadow that side of him, you wouldn’t have to hide them for him because for some fucking reason no one else aside from us tries to see what lies beneath and so, no one else would be looking, and he’d be safe wouldn’t he? But I just can’t stop loving him. I can’t remove myself from wanting to be in his life, for him to be in mine, from wanting to make it _our_ lives. I can’t stop trying to break down that side you had to hide for him because I get the feeling you two never knew what it was like to be loved by anyone else. You caught a glimpse of it, he did too. She’s irresistible like that. Now I’d like to shine his way too, if I could just change his mind.”

 “She sends her regards by the way, she didn’t tell me, but she doesn’t have to. I can see how she changes people, I just don’t see how she was trapped for as long as she was, that man didn’t have even a slimmer of good in his heart but that’s probably exactly why, heavy like iron shackles. You know a lot of people said the same about you, yet here I am, because it’s not even nearly true, although I am not denying the times I’ve called you an asshole. They may have been right because you made them so, but they were also wrong and you can’t try and twist my thoughts otherwise now. I think you would have tried though, he said you’d be at my throat and I’m at yours, could be he had a point, but I am not taking back what I said to him in regards to that, because I know what I said would be true. You would have come around, for him, you would have.”

“’ _Good riddance’_. They’re unfortunate, to have never really known, they’ve never known that when you’ve earned your trust, you’ll come through when it matters.. that you’re so surprisingly honorable it hurts. That makes us the lucky ones, because he’s let us see it. Wasn’t that what started it all?”

“I was scared for a long time. That I’d push him away if I forced too much, that I had to back off to keep him near, I’m wondering if I haven’t been completely wrong these last moments that actually mattered. At the beginning maybe not, he didn’t trust me back then, now he does, I hope, but then again, I didn’t know how he’d captivated me throughout our time together back then when I think I may have had a chance to catch and hold together before it all crumbled. But how can I make him believe me when I back off the moment he gets uncomfortable? You weren’t a man that backed off, neither of you were, yet you were different in that regard because I also remember you two talking once, he was firm and didn’t back down and you listened because of it, you of all people. Do you have any idea of how much that shocked me? I thought I’d been slung into a different world for a moment there. You backed off from pushing the situation, but at the same time you didn’t back off from _him_. I got to realize that with you two, there comes a point when you accept that you need to listen, that _this is real, pay attention_. At least that’s what I thought about that moment back then, that you two were everything to each other, that you had nothing else. I’m still scared, there’s no way around that because, well, that _everything_ was reserved for you two, was the one thing that mattered, allowed you to touch _real_ and knowing it existed in your own secluded world, and it was enough for you. I’m scared, because for me, it’s not like that, I’m not part of it like _that_ , and I still need to get him to that point that tells him he can think accept that, the; _this is real, pay attention_. But I’m.. calm, I wasn’t before. Not that you care.”

“So I think.. Maybe I need to risk it, need to speak your language. I can’t change his mind if I don’t believe I can, fully enough so to go through with it as soon as he rejects it can I? He’s used to it working, he knows I’ll back off by now because it’s what I’ve done for so long and I know he’ll do anything to keep me from making a _mistake_. He’s not a fucking mistake. Right, I’m going off track, sounding like I am hunting for your blessing or something. I’d have him without you giving it anyway you know. I’d just wait for it to wear you down until you had no choice but to accept it. But then again, if he asked you, you’d listen wouldn’t you?”

 “I won’t ever stop blaming myself for all the time I’ve wasted, no matter how many times he would have told me to shut up, how many times he’d have punched me and kicked me out the door, I should have told him how much I love him over and over until he had to give up and just for once.. listen to me. Apparently I’m stubborn like that, she would have told you like she told me because she’s on my side, but don’t worry, she’s on his too. That’s why you accepted her in the first place right? You saw what she’d be for him, then I take it she caught you before you even knew it, it wasn’t what you had expected but yeah, she’s a surprise like that. But damn I should just have been that stubborn side of myself sooner instead of turning it into caution.”

“I never meant to do that because, what was my job if not changing his god damn mind about how good he is? That he’s the most beautiful person I’ve met and I’m not talking about his looks, his every fiber is beautiful down to the bone, so kind that I feel foolish for thinking that _I_ deserve him. He’s out of my league isn’t he?”

“You’d have told me, because you knew it was the truth. I can almost imagine you spitting it my face with a half hidden proud grin, the weird thing is that now, here, seeing it in my head, I want to say it would have suited you.”

“You saw things, I know  now you weren’t all bonked in the head, that moment I was talking about, the one I don’t think I was supposed to see, I guess even before that when I first met the two of you together, there’d be this _thing_ , small, well cloaked, but perceptive reflection in your eyes. An instinct almost, to see, be aware, to know, an active filter so instant to gather what you needed to catch and what you could ignore, that it must have grown from how early? I don’t even know. But it’s why I would have wished, because I know you could _see_ , that if you really looked at me, perhaps you’d manage to find me worthy of him. Like you did with her.”

“I guess I actually am looking for part of your blessing, I’d still have him regardless of your approval or not, let’s not forget that. Anyways.”

“He may have been the one on guard, protecting himself from others and others from himself, but I'm the one who never reached for real aren’t I? And it’s so surreal because he has a similar asshole tendency as you and a foul mouth to go with it, yet he’s jus strikingly beautiful it haunts me, not even months could remove a shred of emotions when it came to my feelings for him. They had lulled down, I had managed to get going again, then.. when he came back I was ruined all over.”

“She said this goes far back, far enough that I haven’t thought about it, I think it’s time I start doing that. I need to find what mattered, what changed, and I need to tell him he’s only cruel to himself by using you the way he is, because he keeps reminding himself of what was left behind over and over. I’m surprised also, because it’s actually pissing me off. I never really knew you but, I know you wouldn’t want that for him and yet, he’s doing it anyway.”

 “It’s not going to solve anything, getting angry at him, it’s just going to be an endless circle and yet, I know I will be, he’ll piss me off with bullshit and I’ll respond like a shark to blood because I won’t be able to help it, no matter how much I divide and sort as much as of this as I can out of precaution. He’s got years of practice, you did too. Getting under people’s skin because that’s how he kept people away. I should know all so well by now shouldn’t I?”

“I think she wouldn’t believe me if I ever told her this was where her words led me.  I know he trusted you despite the shit you’ve pulled over the years, she trusted you too, I think? So maybe that’s why I am here, torturing you with my confession and seeking advice from a dead man, even if it’s one sided and you’re probably wherever you are asking me to shut up already and leave your grave alone. You trusted him too, I’d like to think you even did what you had to do, because you trusted him to get past it, trusted he’d be strong enough to manage because you must have known he is, that he’d survive despite everything. So.. I decided to trust you like they did, even if that means pestering you with what I have to say, the things I wonder about, my doubts that fight my beliefs.”

“We talked about fears once, although we didn’t exactly talk about his fears I already knew them, have seen it all up close. When he’s forced into exposure, when he doesn’t know what he’ll do, that’s when he’s truly scared. I know your conscience and his were very different, I know he doesn’t take back what he’s done, he lives with it and you did too, but it doesn’t stop him from fearing the next time something will happen out of his control, when he feels it coming for him. He never justified that black pit, I think you did because you couldn’t afford it, you had to own it, for him.”

“And at the same time it can be so sweet, when he allows it, sometimes he’s not even aware of it, like telling me I’m a good father because I was joking but he was really meaning it, some things just seem to slip out and those? They’re warm. I would have said warm; _like you can’t even imagine_ , but I am sure you were the only one for a long time, that actually could. If given in return, he’ll blush up and hide his face, saying something sarcastic in return or, on fewer occasions I could count on one hand being a thief caught one too many times in the middle ages, he’d look like he doesn’t know what to do, when it catches him a little all too real, but that does catches him and he’s overthrown in a morbid mix of thinking he doesn’t deserve it but for once he just wants to feel that it was honest. I never learned what kind of rules he has in that book, what things are fine, while some, well, those _some_ they’re hurtfully not fine and well, this time they’re the reason why I’m here and I can think of nothing but how those _some_ , those _some_ should be fine too, because he does deserves it.

“At the same time I wish things had turned out differently all those months ago, shit I’d even wish you’d pulled a stunt and gotten hauled in for indecent exposure and that’s not a sight someone normally would have wanted you know. Or just something, one more beer, your smokes running out ten minutes earlier, diarrhea. Just some reason that altered the timeline, that didn’t put the two of you there when you were when you were. Although, I don’t think I’d have _known_ him if it had, but I find myself thinking I may have been fine with that, after all, I didn’t love him back then, or maybe I did, I cared, that much I know, he doesn’t think I did probably, should I make an assumption after our argument. But I think I would have been alright with it because, shit.. I mean I may have called you an asshole on multiple occasions and I’m sure he did the same but on a daily basis, but I just _know_ he’s told you he needed you and he would have had you still, if that was the case, doesn’t matter I would have lost out on him, he’d have had you. He’d never admit that about anyone else you know, wouldn’t allow himself to feel something like that for anyone else, not yet at least, especially not back then but you? He needed you and I think he still does. So yeah, I said I was pissed about him using you, because he’s using you like he _doesn’t_ anymore. I’ve never known him to lie but when I went there? This entire pile of shit he stacked? I know damn well he’s fucking lying to himself.”

“He’s given himself the reasons to do so, forced to fear when he shouldn’t have, you were too. Your kind of life, not knowing anything else, no shit you’d react because you caught someone’s attention, it’s foreign, alien.. _couldn’t possibly be true_ right? He can’t own it, not like you did in your own way, so he can’t accept it. He’s shied away and stayed there, too long thinking he doesn’t deserve anything different, he’s grown comfortable hiding there. I may think I know why now but, I shouldn’t have taken so damn long, pulling those shitty words of his down my lungs like it was the first sip or air after being smothered, it’s not like I haven’t seen it before you know? I just don’t know the extent of it, but I know what causes that kind of defense, what kind of damage it inflicts, the kind of damage that lingers. I guess it really is different when you’re blinded, I rather let myself be led astray than think it could be the reason, not for him and so, now, that would have included you too, it does even if you have no say about this anymore.  Actually, maybe that’s a good thing, I got enough arguing with one of you. But I get that now, the place she holds in his heart, his in hers, why they understand each other. Even why he thinks he’s already ruined, he’s thought that for a long time hasn’t he? Maybe you did too.”

“He’s not _damaged_ , no matter what he thinks, you weren’t either, you were hurting for a long time, may still be, may always be, but you pressed on, the two of you against the rest because it was the way you had to live, the only way you learned how to protect yourselves. Because letting people venture into your lives would be like approving of them hurting you, because you’ve always expected that others, strangers, people, would do so in the end didn’t you?  So I’m just.. simply sorry. Nothing else, you’d smack me with your ashes if I elaborated anyway. No one can really say anything ever, that will make it different, no words can cure that from what you carry with you, but I can love him and she could love you too, if only you’d let us and maybe, we can prove you wrong.”

“I said I blame you, I don’t think he does, maybe he did for a while, but anger does that to you. You hurt him, you didn’t mean to, he knows that and therefore, he accepted that hurt eventually while he was away, he must have. But I know he’s not lost yet, no matter how hard he’s trying to throw himself away to get there, to numb himself down into a nothing that he knows he probably won’t come back from this time. He was back for three weeks you know, before I even bumped into him, yet I don’t think he’s all lost because I think they caught him in just the right time, given longer and who knows. I may have been the one to happen upon him again, but I would have been the last person to ever sway him to actually listen to me at that point, to himself too, wouldn’t I?”

“I’d like to think that now I can, after everything, that I have something rooted into him that gets him to stop for just a second, that I’ve left my mark, or dug it from some pit he made for it to never be seen again.”

“It’ll hurt for him, I hope you can forgive me. If not I guess you’ll have to kick my ass when I punch my ticket, who knows, maybe it’ll happen sooner than we know because I may not play very fair myself. I did say he was going to piss me off because I refuse to become a simple fucking _purpose_ for the excuse that it is. So it would be hilarious if he knocked me off my feet and you got to cash in so soon wouldn’t it?”

“I feel like I may do something crazy, in all the possible anger, arguing shit and even the faltering, because that will happen too, that I’m heading into, I can’t help but thinking I will do something out of my mind because I would for him, if it makes him think differently, I’ll go at him with everything I got and throw him to the fucking moon when he realizes I’m refusing to budge for no real reason this time and the stupid thing is I’m only doing so because despite how good he is at kicking me, wearing me down and pushing me away, he’s just as good as pulling me back even if he’s not intending to do so. And well I’m here aren’t I? I’m declaring my intentions like a speech before the grand battle, my will to fight.”

“Hah..”

“Stop _pussyfootin'_ right?”

 “I remember, it was late, well it was always late when they hauled you in for pissing on a building or showing off your privates to prove a point. Me and Shane, you remember Shane, had been back at the station for about an hour and you must have been blacked out and just woken up when I heard you, so loud and clear telling ginger to stop pussyfootin’ around. It’s actually the time I first learned of your name, I was only one and a half week into town again, completely unaware of your existence, when Shane gave me the short version of your story, I can’t say I wanted the long version at that time.”

 “I’m sure you’d use the word _pussyfooting_ right about now, I’d say I have to push until it shoves probably, but you’d use that instead and maybe it’s because of this, _here_ , I don’t know, but I’m strangely comfortable with that word at the moment, it’s.. suiting? She said that she didn’t’ have my answers for me, she’s been letting me figure things out on my own because that’s what she does, how she wants me to claim the answers and the truths for myself because that’s how they will matter the most for me, and him too isn’t it? She wants them to be mine, for them to be his, not hers. She would have done the same for you.”

“Alright.”

“I’ve said my good share of the piece, I may never have gotten the long version of your story and yet, all this talking? I’d like to think that in a way, I have gotten to know you better, who you were, who you are to her, to him, that I’ve somewhat gotten it after all. Even if it’s all based on my own thoughts, what I’ve put together from the few things that I do know. The kind of things I just somehow _know_ because I’ve seen it in them.  I hope you may accept that you’ve gotten to know me too, with everything I’ve said, even if you never had a say in this matter or not. And shit, who would ever have thought someone in this world would ever say out loud that Merle Dixon, of all people, were right, but right now, I think you are.”

“No more pussyfootin'.”


	25. Feels like spring again part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays everyone celebratin'. So much thanks to a x-mas vacation ish, I've been tinkering with the last of this story, currently I'm wrapping up Part 2 of this chapter and then there's the final and last one coming. So we're not far from finishing this bitch, then it's just a matter of us feeling satisfied with how these champs have played through the entire thing.  
> I'm going to start adding it now to the opening notes, seeing how I actually don't know a lot of people to talk about TWD or TWD fanfics about, is you wanna, I'm available on Discord through; MIssnöjd#8114 - I didn't wanna put this out before I had the ending of this story in my sights, so maybe, with the second part of season 10 coming in february, maybe someone wants to rant every episode coming heh, or fics, sometimes ye jus' gotta rant.  
> So yeah, cleaned this today while waiting for a fic that I read was going to be posted today, looking forward to Curiously Blue's fics as always <3 And yeah, will get back to wrapping this story up completely ASAP, so you can finally get rid of it. But hey, for you sticking through 25 chapters and possibly 26 and 27, thank you dearly <3

He thought he’d be nervous, but he wasn’t. It was true, what he’d said in the silence of the graveyard, at the stone with nothing beneath it, a stone Carol had gotten for him because she wanted Merle to have one, that he felt calm. He’d looked at the stone, he’d walked over the patch of grass, he’d talked his ass off, feeling her decision to get him one had been something he’d never thought he, someone from the outside of _them_ , could have been grateful for, yet he was. He’d found himself there, much to his surprise because he hadn’t ever expected that would be his decision. But as he’d stood there, after he’d started talking, everything had just started to loosen, his vicious mind working against him more often than not, had started settling, he’d found the tranquil peace of the cemetery merge with his thoughts. He’d never told her the words that had whispered through his brain so many times, but he’d felt he knew exactly why she’d made the decision to get him a one, to carve out one last place for the man, a proof of their existence, a place for them to remember, to feel, and he’d smiled knowing she understood, that she’d done it for Daryl, because there, talking to a man he’d never known, he felt it, a place that washed him with the feeling of _confined, calm, cleansing._

Dare he tell himself he thought things were falling into their right place, that despite knowing that the next struggle would be beyond would he could even imagine, he felt nothing but ready to take it on, to fight it, to overcome and if Daryl’s decision was still a no after that, after he actually stopped half-assing his attempts, that he thought he could finally accept it.

He’d spent his Monday off, focusing on Judith, grabbing them Tuesday and Wednesday as well before he’d gone to see Merle, watching her perk her energy up and devouring juice and apple slices that Lori had cut from the batch Daryl had left in his bag after the hospital, after that it had been like she’d never fallen sick at all. He’d let Carl have the days off from school too, to spend the days at home with Rick and his sister because it was just as important for him to feel she was safe, as it was to Rick. That this was a moment that was needed for both of them, needed for their family, one that mattered among the following to come.

“I have feelings for Daryl, I’ve had them for some time now and I want to go after him, I just.. need you to know, I don’t want to put you in awkward position so if you’re not fine with it, I need to know.” Rick blurted Wednesday morning after gathering up the courage to offer his son his confession. He’d had time to think about how he wanted to go about it, but that didn’t stop _thinking_ from not listening at all and whatever confession version that left him, left him on its own violation. He’d sat mouth half open afterwards, couldn’t believe he’d had so little control over it after working up the nerve to have the talk with his son, who’s reaction, for that matter, was to pick up his phone.

“Wait, what are you doing, why are you typing on your phone?” Rick worried, staring at the device suppressing the urge to reach and grab it, preventing his son from possibly bring the ruins of destruction. After Carol’s, this was the first moment he’d actually felt some kind of panic, two days to settle himself, he hadn’t felt any urge to rush stupidly, needing to be there for his kids first off and yet there he was feeling like he may just have made some fucking mistake.

“I’m texting mom.” Well, shit, fuck, and shit fuck again, he needed to stop his kid, he hadn’t told her yet and getting busted through his kid was not Rick’s idea of fun.

“Carl you can’t tell her yet, I haven’t..” He tried, actually started reaching for the phone, shit, of course it would be weird for Carl, Rick just fucking told him he had feelings for a guy, but Carl just raised his hand, stopping his motion.

“Dad, I’m not telling her that. I am asking her if I can come study for tests because you’re apparently useless at helping me with math and history and that we can buy that princess castle and put it together with Judith, I am also telling her you’re fine with all of this, because Judith is okay now, she won’t buy it if I don’t complain about you fussing over her though, I have to sell it so bare with me.” He calm as a cucumber explained, fingers back to working on the text like he was slicing cheese for a sandwich, like it was something ordinary, like Rick hadn’t said anything weird and creeped him out at all.

“Carl.” Rick was stumped, maybe Carl had known all along, because shit, Carol had known for a long time and Shane was able to figure it out so why wouldn’t his kid have been enlightened at some point and he just hadn’t told Rick, maybe he’d been waiting for Rick to come clean all this time.

“I can’t say I knew about it, even if you’re looking at me like I did right now, which is gross, common I’m thirteen but I’m not that smart when it comes to old dudes. But I get it, I mean, you were good when he was around, I liked that, even if I thought you just became good friends.” Okay maybe it was time he stopped panicking through being stumped, speechless and whatever else he didn’t know how to put a word on.

“Dad you don’t have to look shocked, I _am_ smart enough to understand, it’s the new age, we’re open minded alright. Besides, I like Daryl, he makes Sophia happy, you too. You said you wanted to go after him, then at least let get you some time to do it.” Rick heard the sound of the text being sent, that swoopy sound the phone made and then Carl put it down, grabbing his fork, going for a bite without batting an eye about it.

“Carl are you..” Rick still couldn’t believe it.

“What, were you worried I was going to object or something? Dad, after mom you never really tried again, I get it, you had us to take care of, you still do, if this is what you want, then I don’t mind because I like the idea of someone taking care of you too. And did I mention I like the guy already?” Rick fought the need to blush once his son come to the moment where he was more or less asking Rick to shut up and accept it already, managing to add in his wish for his father’s well without Rick getting the chance to point it out, safe to bed Carl looked to know how much it meant to him already.

“Yeah yeah, smartass, I just didn’t want you to find discomfort, are you sure you’re okay with this, I mean, it’s not exactly.. normal.” He still covered half his face with his coffee mug, almost feeling like he was back in Lori’s kitchen and was having the talk with Shane. No wonder they got a long so well, they weren’t too different, only the best friend and dad aspect of the entire thing.

“We’re reaching the point where this conversation is going to be embarrassing dad.” Carl deadpanned and Rick chuckled.

“Sometimes we’re allowed to reach that point. Sometimes we need a little embarrassment.” He stated, because even coming clean to his kid and having that kid amaze you to the point where you had to fight embarrassment, it was warm, and probably something they’d made into an unspoken agreement to never mention again, probably.

“Then fine, yes, I am sure I am okay with it, if it makes you happy, it’s as normal as we want it to be, now hug me and then shut up about it before we match Hershel’s tomato fields.”

“Shit, when did you grow up?”

 “When you started talking to me about these things like I have, and mind your language dad.”

“Such a little shitter.”

“Pretty sure I inherited that from you.”

* * *

Then there he stood, it would all come down to this, he knew that, he’d go through with it and he’d do it for real. The light creak and rattle of the door felt familiar in a way it shouldn’t, because really, he hadn’t been over that many times, yet it did. He hadn’t hesitated about what he was about to do, he’d just gone straight up the porch, Daryl would be home, after the hospital, the atmosphere of the two of them, it wasn’t anything like their argument had cooked up and it had been three days since then to calm shit down. He wouldn’t be pissed off, marching out into the woods and living the life of a hermit, possibly he was most likely half a whiskey down but Rick hoped not. He wouldn’t be pissed, yet.

“If ye’re here t’preach fer last night there’s a reason I locked t’door fer once, I even told Sophia..” Daryl’s words died off the second Rick was the one in his view and not Carol as if he’d obviously expected her. For a short moment the man actually looked surprised to see him there, slight confusion before Rick could see him finding his footing again. He wasn’t sure he liked it, the twist that morphed into Daryl’s face was more than unsettling.

“Ye here t’fuck then?” He questioned, cocking his hip and shoulder closer to the frame of the door, challenging eyes and sure as fuck, Rick felt his annoyance brew from deep within, the calmness from the cemetary lingering beneath but he knew it would remain there, it wouldn't hold much in the conversation to come aside from being the gentle support beneath that it was, at least he’d known it would have been coming sooner or later, he’d told Merle that, this was going to be far from pretty and Rick just had to keep remembering that he needed to hold his ground, he’d just hoped it wouldn’t have been so soon.

“Jesus christ, I’m not even here for a second and your mouth spits shit.” Rick watched Daryl narrow his eyes, as if they told Rick he was disappointed but Rick wanted to call that defiance bullshit, he really wanted to and the only reason he somewhat could, was the fact that the door remained in its half opened position, no matter the slack frame of Daryl’s body and the nonchalant attitude, he held the door in place, he was still somewhat reluctant to openly invite Rick in.

“Yeh? If ye ain’t, then fuck off Rick.” Rick caught the door just as it was about to close, he pulled it back open with some resistance, but only some, some half insistent shit.

“Fine, let’s fuck then Daryl.” He replied, felt himself lacing his voice with ice, agreeing on the surface to the fucked up deal they’d never made in the first place. But it would get him inside the cabin, so if I he had to use it, then so be it. It wasn’t like he thought Daryl would actually go through with it, Rick was confident it was the kind of shit he’d spout to piss Rick off, it had last time and it was fucking working again, Rick was getting pissed, but at least he had some control over it and he wasn’t going to let Daryl’s shit consume him into backing off again. The problem was that Daryl nudged his head then, inclining for Rick to get inside, his hand releasing the door he’d kept as a wall between them, spreading a bad feeling in Rick’s gut in an instant as he did so. Daryl was sticking through it, was letting Rick inside with the intent to screw around and it wasn’t getting exposed as an empty tactic of no value, no there was more to it. As much as he thought Daryl wouldn’t go through with it, no matter how it was looking, he was sure Daryl didn’t think Rick was any different. Either Daryl had managed to dig himself so deep down he’d lost the ability to mind that, or, Rick toed his shoes off, noting how Daryl shifted further into the cabin with every step Rick took when the shoes had come off, shit.. fucking of course, there was no way Daryl didn’t think Rick would have backed off, no way he wasn’t feeling somewhat cornered because rick actually was Rick agreeing to it and that his options were running low, that he now couldn’t just take it all back so he was doing the opposite instead. It was horrible, how he managed to twist even something like this to make it all worse, when he couldn’t use it to make Rick stop, he could decide to use it as something to make them ugly enough that there’d be no worth left. This fucking man.

Rick bit his jaws together, reconnecting to the calm, remembering his talk with Merle. He had shit to do, fucking wasn’t it, although he couldn’t say he wouldn’t use it, if it would break some defensive points, not actual fucking but the idea of it, because as it stood, Daryl didn’t know that he just gave Rick the knowledge that it wasn’t something he could back down from. It would be a rough card, yet it would be one Rick could still play, Daryl was playing dirty and Rick couldn’t say he wouldn’t have to every now and then either for the conversation to come, not this time. But if he could keep from using it, Rick knew he would. The rustle of Daryl’s belt pulled Rick’s attention from noting that it hadn’t been half a whiskey at least, a fourth at best, and a glass to go with it on the living room table, so Daryl had been sipping on it rather than gulfing the shit down from the bottle.

“Fucking stop. It’s not what I am here for, you know that, this, what you’re doing, it’s not going to work this time.” Rick watched Daryl latch the belt again, sliding the metal pin into its hole and slid the leftover bit of leather into the loops again.

“Oh yeh? Then why t’fuck ye say ‘t was then?” He questioned, nudging muscles preparing themselves, to throw him out if the answer didn’t sit well with him, Rick thought.

“Had to get through the door didn’t I?” He straight out confessed, seeing how it had worked.

“Then fuck off Rick, ain’t no point in ye bein’ere ‘f not, already told ye. Ain’t like ye didn’t kno’ what ye were getting’ yerself inta.” He was glaring, pretty pissed from the looks of it or, trying to find whatever anger he could muster to get him off the hook of having a conversation, ignoring the fact that Rick had just said it wouldn’t work like it usually would. Daryl could get as pissed as he wanted, Rick would still be there this time, just like he’d half managed up until the phone call on his last visit. But back then, Rick knew now he would have retreated sooner or later in that argument, when nothing would give it’d snap in two and he hadn’t wanted that. Now that, he was sure it was his only option.

“No.. I know exactly what I got myself into, some things took me some time to figure out, I’ll admit that but Daryl, I do know, exactly, what I got myself into and the fact that you’re spouting shit again, that your mouth is working so damn well, means I’m close to something. Me coming here anyway, after all the shit you said, is pissing you off because you don’t know if you can handle round two.” Well okay it was odd, Daryl wasn’t pacing, he was pissed and still very much glaring at Rick but he was still, tense yes because he sure as fuck had been ready to throw Rick out of the door, uncomfortable, but still, looking to think that shutting up was his best option in response to what Rick had just said. He followed Daryl as the man walked around the couch on his own free will, Rick didn’t even have to ask him to sit down for a conversation, when fucking was off the table he’d simply left the ajar door to his bedroom and planted his ass down on the couch, adjusting himself.

 “You not biting back isn’t helping your case either you know, but then again, I don’t mind getting some time to state my case while your brain is too busy trying to figure out how to get me to fuck off because I get it, you’ve realized doing it physically won’t make it stick.” Rick followed, they’d nestled stuck in this breaking point, eyes never breaking contact with a tension in the air that said whoever would first, would lose. He didn’t break it, didn’t sit down on the couch either, merely bent his knees to lift up the stool he’d knocked over just the other day, it was still in the same spot on the floor.

“Man ye should’ve asked t’doctors t’check yer head while ye was at t’hospital, ‘cus ‘t ain’t right.” Rick pushed the bottle of whiskey to the opposite side of the table as Daryl reached for it, knowing the last thing he needed was a drunk Daryl to have this conversation with, it was going to be bad enough with a as much as sober version of him as it was, well, it would be bad no matter what version it was, Rick mused. He held strong when Daryl took a deep and calculated breath, saw the hint of aggression of being prevented whatever comfort the amber liquid would get him, or distraction, it was hard to tell. Rick told himself to hold on, despite the moment of hesitation that maybe he really would use physical force if he had to, that even if Daryl would act upon the building spark of anger, slowly catching fire, he’d hold his ground until he actually couldn’t anymore.

“It’s right, you made sure of that remember? Even if you’re trying all of.. This again.. it holds little argument after what you did for Judith and, me as well. You care, you can’t hide that no matter how many foul words or attempts you throw at me anymore, you can’t because when it all comes down to it, you can’t help yourself.” Rick felt tempted to throw in the fact that Daryl had actually conversed with Shane, somewhat at least, after more or less swearing he’d never forgive the man and was likely to throw a punch the next time he saw him, yet that hadn’t mattered at the hospital, that it spoke of volumes. Rick didn’t think he needed to remind the man, he was probably more than aware and feeling more than cornered because of it, working desperately behind steely blue’s to find a way out when scaring or pissing Rick off wasn’t working like it used to, almost as if he was ignoring that he’d ever done what he did for Rick.

“Kept my conscience clear, nothin’ else.” He finally stated.

“No, it was more than that, you doing that for her, meant everything to me. The way things happened, where we were at, you didn’t have to do that for me, your conscience would have been clear because as you so informed me, we were nothing. But you did it anyway, driving me was one thing but coming back? You feel things, you can’t deny that anymore.” Rick said, if it had only been the drive then he could probably find it reasonable, that even through shit, if Rick went ahead and drove himself into a ditch then possibly there’d be two kids missing one parent and if Rick knew anything, it was that Daryl held loving parents in high regard for taking care of their kids, being there for them, understanding them.

“Ye talk as ‘f ye fuckin’ kno’ shit ‘bout me, ye don’.” Daryl was the first one to break eye contact, retreating instead of lashing out, almost looking like he was sulking, eyes thrown upon the transparent bottle of glass earning its amber illusion from the liquid inside. Rick felt part relief on that, that the staring contest was over and they hadn’t started swinging yet, which was longer than Rick would have expected but, there was also the fact that Daryl was right, in a way, but at least he was also wrong. Rick took a breath as he grabbed the bottle, screwed the metal cap off, pouring a meager amount into the glass.

“I know you didn’t like me very much from the beginning, when did that change Daryl?” Rick asked, feeling the silence weighing in on them second after second, how the question was shaped from led as Daryl didn’t even attempt to give him an answer. He simply kept still, not moving an inch.

 “You know, not knowing shit about you doesn’t mean I don’t know you Daryl, like I know you would never tell me why you’re refusing yourself this if I asked you that, not now at least, not unless things change, but I do know that you think you’ll ruin me if you do.” Rick swiped the glass before Daryl could grab it, looking like he thought Rick had poured the small amount for him until he watched Rick tossing it in one swift tip of the glass, letting the liquid burn his own throat instead.

“Rick fuckin’..” Rick watched Daryl glare at the bottle after glaring at him, speaking through gritted teeth, the yearning for something strong to smother Rick’s presence with clear in his eyes, so Rick pushed the bottle away again, shit he even thought of sending it flying to the floor because alright, maybe he shouldn’t have had any either but he’d needed the burn, needed it to linger to keep his head on fucking straight, but they didn’t need more, neither him nor Daryl. He didn’t let Daryl continue.

“No you listen to me because clearly you’re the one who don’t know me because I’m done being fooled by your fucked up convictions about me, my heart can’t take it. You’ve made it difficult to figure things out, but I know what I felt when we kissed, how it felt so right there was never any chance of it never being anything different. I love you, you can’t change that and I know you felt it too, so I need you to stop your bullshit view on what my life should look like as long as it doesn’t include you by my side despite how much it fucking scares you to even consider it. And I won’t let you use your brother as an excuse again to make me think there really never was anything, that you using him against me makes you into something so ugly inside that it justifies you thinking you could never be good for me, that it lets you keep thinking it for as long as you need it. Well tough, I’m not buying that shit anymore.” Daryl was staring at him again, had kept his mouth shut all throughout Rick’s speech, he’d been paying attention but the lowering degrees in his eyes, the cold encasement that was frosting into the edges, growing and deepening into thick ice, Rick knew he wasn’t listening, like before, whatever Daryl was preparing for him, Rick told himself he needed to overcome it, told himself not to let it get to him, but he was still pissed, that didn’t stop, because why the fuck did it have to be so hard.

 “Well ye should, ‘cus nothin’ else ain’t ever gonna be true, he chucked ‘imself ‘n overdose jus’ like I kne’ he would an’ ye took t’edge off, ye were nothin’ but a bottle ‘f jack Rick, just like that one.”Daryl raised a finger, pointedly directing it at the very same bottle that Rick had poured himself a glass from, comparing them, something to kill the pain with, something to lull the senses until you didn’t have to think.

 “I told ye, ye served yer purpose. Got over it, didn’t need ye ‘n ye suddenly lost yer sense ‘f accomplishment when ye couldn’t babysit me anymore. As fer t’kiss, ‘t meant shit, ye sound pathetic spoutin’ shit ‘bout love, there ain’t no such thing.” He continued, it was Rick’s turn to grit his teeth together while trying to keep himself together, nothing was sinking in, Daryl was so fucking convinced and he was taunting Rick simply by using Merle immediately, while all the same beating himself into the ground again, a quick and rap reminder to himself to not waver. Merle had always been a sore spot, but it had also been moments of clarity between them, something that could be something so cold that could serve them as a warm connection, even when those moments were as few as they were. Daryl was stuck, not only in his stubborn ways, he was dealing the only way he knew how, Rick knew that, which also meant he was detaching everything.

“For fuck’s sake Daryl I told you that wasn’t the case and I told you you’re done using him like that, I’m starting to think you never even read the letter.” Rick could pick up the surprise on Daryl’s face, how he lost his footing for a moment, he was right then, Daryl hadn’t read it, for whatever it was or would serve as, a reminder, closure or just disappointment, Rick couldn’t tell but it was clear to him that Daryl had pointedly avoided opening it.

 “Yeah, I saw it, after you’d left town it was on the table with your phone, but I am thinking now you never even touched it more than moving it somewhere to let it rot. I think it scared you, what may be written inside and you don’t touch what scares you do you? That’s why despite your world falling apart, knowing you were losing your brother, that place you had, that you still have with us, with me? You chose to feel it, even if it was just for a moment, before you threw it all away, that you felt selfish for claiming one last memory to take with you, that despite realizing you wanted it, it scared you thinking you could have it and so, you didn’t touch it. ” Rick had to shift back, maintaining his balance to the best of his ability when Daryl did get up, violently like a jerk, a rash breath passing through him like he was barely containing himself from throwing a punch. He’d hit a sore spot, but he’d told Daryl, he knew him, knew this was the way he dealt with shit, he avoided it until it blew over and then life moved on like nothing had ever happened, that the difference now was most likely that one single piece of paper, which unknown letters chained him like shackles.

“Ain’t yer fuckin’ business ‘n ye kno’ what, I don’ need t’fuckin’ kno’ ye because we’re nothin’ Rick, never were, never will be, start acceptin’ that ‘n ye don’ fucking talk ‘bout Merle.” Daryl spat, not very fond of the idea that Rick knew it even existed, even when he’d left it on the fucking table along with the rest of the mail.

“I will talk about him for as long as you’re doing this shit to him.” Rick was fuming, more so with every word and Rick shouldn’t have, he’d prepared himself for this and yet, he was only responding, his fibers were igniting, he was responding to the promise of a fight and his gut churned, just like when Daryl had opened the door, Rick could just know that he wasn’t going to like what was coming next.

“Man what ye want me t’ say huh? That I feel t’same right? That everything I’ve fucking done ‘s because I caught some shit ass feelin’s fer ye, well shit Rick, ‘t ain’t true. I don’ feel shit, never felt shit fer anyone an’ ye’re not suddenly makin’ ‘t different. I never thought you’d be s’fucking lost, bet she’s fed you all kinds ‘f shit that made yer brain fucking jump high, that there’s somethin’ fucking magical with pretty colors an’ dancing music huh, made ye think we’d be fucking happy together, well fuck, delusions like that, is exactly t’ fucking reason why I damn well stay away from people, Merle’s t’only one I could fuckin’ tolerate ‘n that’s clearer than ever now. Is fucking disgusting, naïve dumb fuckheads, is what ‘t is.” Well Rick always knew Daryl’s mouth worked perfectly fine when he was pissed off, fine to this amount? He’d never experienced that level, his accent got thicker, every word held all the more bite and his voice grew rough. The shit was the same though, the angrier Daryl would get the easier it would be for him to find shit to say, to ruffle Rick’s feather and shit, they were, this kind of conversation, okay argument, wasn’t pleasant.

“That’s not..” Then there was the fact that Rick could barely get into the fight, starting to tell him otherwise but raptly getting interrupted.

“’s exactly what ‘t ‘s, ye jus’ ain’t hearing yerself. Been doing fine fer years, just because ye came ‘round doesn’t mean that it’s gonna be different. Fuck the dinners, fuck ever getting involved ‘f ‘t was going t’ cause this much ‘f a fucking pain. Ye want me around yer family? Happy fucks ye are an’ all I am sitting here thinkin’ ’s how I can’t get that fucking bottle over there ‘n get m’self a drink, yeah ye got real nice judgment wantin’ that around.” Rick had contained himself, thin line of lips pursed together while he listened, listening to everything and every reason the man could find.

“Your kindness is cruel you know.” Because it was, for how much the man fought tooth and nail to make it all disappear, to _save_ a future they didn’t want to have, because fighting this hard, it must have been a future Daryl didn’t want either, yet was willing to take as long as he believed it would be for the best, as long as he believed he couldn’t have it for simply not deserving it.

“So what, ye fucked this cruel piece ‘f ass, fucked a fucking Dixon, bet ‘t felt real good, getting’ some control over t’town drunks, violent piece ‘f shit that loves ‘is share ‘f t’ shine, an’ ye wanna bring that into yer fucking home, jesus I mean it’s even amazin’ ye let ‘t happen fer as long as ‘t did.  Paintin’ up this abomination ‘f some fantasy ‘f yers ‘cus ye enjoy a lil’ control huh, like ye think I’m someone I’m not, someone ye could shape ‘n dress up pretty ‘n now when ye find ye can’t? Ye grew petty ‘n pathetic, jealous lil’ cunt ‘n whatever shit Carol’s been feedin’ ye? Ye flush that down t’ drain ‘cus she ain’t exactly a realiable witness ‘fter gettin’er head smashed one t’many times, we ain’t a happy fuckin’ family Rick. Now get t’fuck out.” Rick had Daryl twisted before the man could even grab him to drag him out the door, one firm and most likely hurtful grip on the arm, he wasn’t sure how he managed to be faster but he had been, twisting the limb to force the body around, pinning it to his back. Daryl wasn’t a man he wanted to have an actual fist fight with, wasn’t someone Rick thought he could win against but for once it was a fucking blessing to have his academy training and he was just glad he’d kept it from getting rusty. He was flashing black and white, not completely gone yet but those fucking words had partly blinded him, the only reason he still somewhat present was that he knew the kind of damage Daryl meant to inflict on himself, how he knew Rick wouldn’t forgive him for saying it, using it as the final blow and how horrible he’d feel for not only using Merle, but soiling Carol as well. He was pulling at the grip, fighting the tear in his shoulder.

“You want to fuck ‘cus that’s all there is, alright let’s fuck then Daryl.” Rick hissed, constantly reminding himself of this being the final push as he felt how Daryl tensed up.

“What, you don’t want to anymore?” Rick questioned before Daryl stopped fighting, he really couldn’t back down from that statement of his, willing to see it through and destroy them at any cost. Rick could easily push his torso down onto the cushions of the couch, arm still twisted and locked behind Daryl’s back, unhooking the belt from its latch, he pulled it free, his brain forming a purpose for the piece of leather. Now he was thinking it was both a bad idea and the best one he’d ever had, bordering between staying in line and venturing outside of it, fueled by anger and hurt all the same until something just whispered _fuck it._

 “T’fuck ye doin’?!” Daryl tried to turn his head, his neck was probably straining as Rick pulled his other arm back, wrapping the leather around the wrists tightly, neatly stuck together, limbs fighting the restraints. Rick draped himself closer, letting his own cheat restrict the movement available.

“I’m going to take away your reason to reject me, infect myself with you as you so dearly hold on to the idea that you’re poison. You said I don’t know you?” Daryl’s body jerked as Rick placed his hands on his hips, dipping his fingers just beneath the t-shirt and he pulled in a deep breath of unwashed and filthy hair, if Daryl thought being with Rick would ruin him, Rick would just have to remove that problem. He’d taste, feel, become. Then he felt it again, beneath the tips of his fingers, the ridge he’d touched before, how it disfigured against the pads, raised and rough.

“Please Rick, don’, please.” It was a muffled mumble all bitten teeth and his head shoved into the cushion, his entire body strung stiff, muscles close to cramping and Rick hated, hated his own guts because he wasn’t stopping himself, he knew he should but this was the last push, he’d be right back to the start if he didn’t continue. So he let his finger feel as he rested his chest down, pinning Daryl with more of his weight while he let his head sink close, taking the risk of getting his nose cracked from the back of Daryl’s skull, whispering as gently as he could through his morbid mix of anger and sorrow, even love, that was fucking his mind up with disgust, hatefulness, longing, need, a coil in his chest so tight he wasn’t sure he was going to make it through it intact, he just knew he had to at any cost.

“I know you’re kind, it’s why I think it always hurts you when you go out of your way to help someone and they get this look on their face like they expect you to have some foul agenda and yet, you’ll take it and you’ll go through it all over again.” Daryl was twisting at the belt, tearing desperately, he kept saying _please, please_ , like he’d lost all other words, not knowing what else he could do. Rick let his hand move along, feeling along his back, tracing another patch or tissue, biting back the wince, he’d known it, god for how long and he’d refused to realize it, not until he stood talking with Merle. He’d fucking chosen to be blind all this time.

“I know you’re caring, it’s why you helped Sophia, helped Carol. You helped Shane despite hating his guts, because as long as I mattered to you, you’d do it regardless of hate.” Rick was feeling how his voice wavered, feared it may break whatever advantage he had, he steeled it, forced it into the whisper smoothness again. The tension in the body beneath him cut through him like razor wires, but Daryl was, finally, fucking paying attention and as close to listening as he could get when his begging died out.

“I know you’re loyal, it’s why we’re in the mess we are right now, because you’ve convinced yourself of what’s good for me so what you feel doesn’t matter, that it makes you reject even the possibility that I feel the same and that you wish I can just let this all go and get some life that you think I deserve.” Another ridge had Daryl’s body shudder, caving in the small of his back, giving him an inch of escape but was then met with a dead end, the cushion beneath couldn’t sink further, his hands fisted tightly, whitening in every joint and knuckle.

“I know losing your brother hurt you more than you could ever handle, that it will never be something you forget because he was all you ever had, I know you loved him despite his flaws and I know he loved you too, it’s how I know you’re not what you’ve been trying to convince me that you are.” _More._

“I know your whole taunt was for me to ruin whatever little piece that was left, but I’m not going to fuck you senseless like you wanted me to. I’ll destroy myself on you so you don’t have a reason to think you can ruin me, I’ll fuck myself on your dick and if it won’t get up and standing for me, I’ll take you in my mouth like you didn’t want me to all those months ago. I get it know, me doing something for you like that, you thought that would defile me beyond saving, that you think deep down you’re so something disgusting and for some fucking reason I’m something pure. Well I’m doing this to you now, do you still think I’m pure?” Rick trailed his hand further up, he wasn’t looking, he wasn’t removing the piece of clothing, he just rested his hand flat on the middle of his back, felt the twitching shoulder blades on either side of his hand, could fucking feel his skin crawl from being touched somewhere he didn’t want to, felt how Daryl’s breath hitched at the sides with the other, making his nerves vibrate over the ribs.

“Do you?” Rick asked again, bit his jaws together at how Daryl was trying to get his breathing under control and Rick remembered when he’d thought Daryl wasn’t used to touching, he wasn’t used to it because touch used to mean hurt, and the only one who could, had been his brother because his brother wouldn’t do that. They would fight, Rick had seen it, he’d heard about it, the fact that the fucking station had some shit policy to not put the brothers in the same cell to begin with said enough, but it wasn’t out of hate, no, they’d never fight to hurt like that, not when they were the only thing that truly had mattered to each other. Rick had earned some sort of excuse rule to that, little by little, earned enough to get a taste of Daryl’s skin, feel his hands, his face, arms, accepted areas that Daryl approved, the captivating presence to bask in, to be close to. This was.. foul. Rick learned, when he slid his hands back down and pulled Daryl up to turn him around, not wanting to meet those eyes but knowing he had no other choice, it was foul because Daryl looked at him like he’d betrayed him and fuck.. Rick couldn’t say he hadn’t.

He soaked the heavy accusation reflected in Daryl, he claimed it, wanted it to hurt him as much as the torture forcing Daryl to endure, hurt him as much as he was breaking the man down, he needed to take it, to let Daryl know he’d be just as fallen, because he’d live with it, if that’s what allowed him a chance. He kept his hand at the wrist he’d pulled to get the man turned, kept the grip firm to hold him in place and he snaked his free hand around Daryl’s neck to claim his lips, wincing at the stabbing actual pain when Daryl bit at his flesh. The pain was bitter, well deserved, he felt the taste of iron as his bottom lip wetted and yet, Rick held his eyes in Daryl’s.

“I’m doing this.” At that point, Rick wasn’t sure if he was lying or actually telling the truth, he was losing himself between the border or right and wrong. He wouldn’t let Daryl ruin them, by doing this, not when he could do it all on his own, he’d prove he wasn’t something so glorified in Daryl’s eyes, prove to him that he was a much better man than Rick himself was, he’d become ugly to show that Daryl was beautiful. As long as he was the one doing it, it would be alright. It didn’t make any sense really, it shouldn’t have, but Rick forced it make sense to himself and he shifted over to the couch, straddling Daryl’s lap with one knee on either side.

“Rick don’..” Daryl pleaded.

“You won’t have anything on me after this.” He voiced, feeling his entire body holding itself in an apology for the pain he was causing. He could barely hold on, he wanted to break, to give up, but he couldn’t. Slowly his fractured façade steeled over again, taking a deep breath.

“If you’d only listened, I wouldn’t have to do this, for you? I will become nothing.” Rick carefully placed each word with brutal care, a harsh softness he hadn’t known a man could ever produce. He’d just been about to reach for the hem, to pull the jeans open, it was just one button then a zipper, so easy, a whisper from his brain telling him _so much for not fucking_ , when he stopped dead still. A tiny strip of white at their side had caught his attention, a tiny strip of white lodged into the couch barely visible and he instantly thought to Daryl shifting on the couch after he’d sat down when Rick had told him he wasn’t there to fuck. Any defiled thoughts of destroying before they could rebuild got washed away, _oh so dirty white,_ he hadn’t wanted to do it, shit he’d fucked his brain up too far that he didn’t realize he’d never want to do something like that to Daryl and he’d almost gone through with it anyway because he’d lost the ability to see clearly. Then that tiny sliver of white, Rick felt his breath lodge itself like the pre-mature pressure of vomit, like the air never actually had gone down into his lungs, felt his eyebrows scrounge together as his heart screeched.

“Is that..?” He asked, more to himself. In his periphery Daryl’s head sunk. Such a blinding white, soft to the touch, dirtied but still so white Rick couldn’t help but be drawn to it. His hand grabbed tighter around the fabric, the one that had gripped Daryl’s leather covered wrist let go as he watched the piece of white expand as it got pulled from between the cushions.

“You took it, all those months ago, saying it was _probably around somewhere_ when you fucking had it all along.” Rick climbed off, stumbling back and falling ass down onto the stool again, he’d never seen Daryl’s head so low before, pointedly avoiding Rick’s eyes, would successfully do so even if RIck were to duck his head to try and catch them. Fuck the kiss, fuck the convincing on both love and no love, pushing or whatnot fuck it all. Rick placed two fingers under Daryl’s chin, lifting his head up, he didn’t look back at Rick at first. They were half blank, staring into nothing, until they slowly slid up into Rick’s, holding only his last request; that Rick didn’t ask him that question.

“You took it to bring it with you when you left.. didn’t you?” Rick was asking it anyway.

“To have something of mine, just something after you’d decided we couldn’t be.” He continued, remembering standing with the laundry basket on his hip, with Daryl on his sofa with a book in his hand, the scene had been so domestic and despite that he shouldn’t have, Daryl had fit that scene because it had still been him, shrugging, leading Rick along to the topic of the book and Rick had joined him. With Rick, he’d fit.

 “When Daryl.” He repeated, knowing it wasn’t about when Daryl had taken the t-shirt and that Daryl knew that too.

“’s jus’ a t-shirt Rick.” He pulled his chin from Rick’s finger so he could dip his head again, oh it wasn’t just a t-shirt, if the white color that Daryl never wore and the size that was too small for both him and Merle wasn’t enough for him to be sure of that, that move did.

“No.. it’s not, it’s mine. I thought it was odd that you just sat down, but you knew you had it there and when we weren’t going to the bedroom, you had to hide it before I could see, shit.” Rick reached around, tried not to wince when Daryl flinched on instinct again, something he’d stopped doing around Rick. He’d gotten swallowed by a piece of fabric, that something like a t-shirt could change everything, that he’d forgotten he’d pretty tied the man up. He worked on the belt, trying to loosen it helped his breathing stabilize, helped it fall into sync with Daryl’s without him knowing now that the man had calmed down. He was fucking fine with Daryl actually beating him into a pulp at that point, when he finally managed to get the leather loose, if he wanted, because as far as figuring out how Daryl felt and trying to get him to come around enough to accept it, to accept Rick’s feelings in return, the t-shirt had become his lifeline, the reason he knew for sure. Daryl’s arms were slack, he’d stilled again and Rick used his own hands to gently bring them along to the front, he never even tensed up after that flinch, after getting his hands free again, there wasn’t much fight in him at all.

“When.” Rick repeated, let his head lightly dip, squeezing Daryl’s fingers before he let his hands reach up, as slowly as he could so Daryl could see and feel it coming, caressing each side of the man’s face like they were made of delicate feathers.

“You know I think you’re amazing and strong, that you make my head spin when you toss half mean jokes in my direction, that tug on your lips when I manage to do the same. When I see you with them, my heart burns with a warmth I can’t even describe, it doesn’t matter how much you keeping your distance has hurt me over the time, it could never change that warmth. I think you’re sweet because usually you don’t think you are and when you do realize it embarrasses you. I think you’re honorable, you’ve shown me that, even if you’ll argue otherwise, doesn’t matter what, you’ll do what’s right.” Silence overcame between them when Rick took a moment to pause, not to think, he didn’t have to think, his words seemed to come on their own, he adjusted himself so that their foreheads were almost touching, but he was preserving that minimal gap of distance, for the shit they’d done, it was the least he could do. His thumbs rubbed carefully over the jawbones and Daryl didn’t stop him.

 “You are beautiful, to me you’re a sight I’ll never see, meet, feel and experience again.” Rick felt the jaws bite together, feeling it under his thumbs were different from seeing it, bones shifting, tightening. Now it wasn’t about aggression, Rick could tell, it was everything he could do to keep himself together. _Are you listening?_

“I love you, I love you so damn much that I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m sorry, but I didn’t know how else would I get you to listen. So just fucking help me out?” Everything was fucking there, so close, but he knew he couldn’t touch it yet, trashing himself just to reach.

“We don’ get a happy endin’ Rick.” Rick knew it wasn’t about them, those words, didn’t have shit to do with Rick, only himself and Merle, that it was just how it was, how it always had been, how it would ever be, that nothing was supposed to change regarding that fact.

“But you could. You said shit or not, it’s home. Yet you weren’t sure anymore were you? Here, with us, with me, a place together where I love you, it’s home, you just gotta want it. If you don’t, I’ll accept it, this time I will because I promised I would, but it doesn’t change what I’ve said, it doesn’t change that it’s the truth, that I want this and I’ve wanted it for a long time.” Daryl kept his mouth shut, the silence overbearing in Rick’s ears, the longer it stretched on the more it hurt.

 “Are you going to say anything?” He asked, though he knew, in vain, felt his hand slipping as much as his efforts.

“Fucking hell Daryl.” Rick got up, throwing them in the air, in lack of better things to do with them because what use were they, him, his love, Daryl’s, in lack of patience, frustration running through his blood. He found himself being the one pacing, so different from how it was supposed to be, thinking he was the one cornered, he needed air.

 “You know even if this is the god damn decision your making despite knowing fully well you’re letting all the shit you’ve made into your truth affect it, the least you could do is read the fucking thing, let your brother off the hook of becoming something foul enough to damn you, he doesn’t deserve that and believe it or not, you don’t either. I know it’s how you do things, but it’s the last thing I can ask of you, for both your sakes, don’t let him become an unopened letter.” He wasn’t even sure if Daryl was listening anymore, just sitting there, eerily still it sent a shrill down Rick’s spine, the way his face was slack like he’d vanished into himself, only shifting his head slightly, ears tracking Rick’s whereabouts. That side of him never changed, always knowing, listening, tracking.

“Don’t be an asshole to him of all people.” Rick made his way to the door, he was going to go insane if he stayed inside, slamming the door shut behind him and sinking down onto the top step of the porch, exhaling slowly while seeking comfort from the vertical pole of the railing.

“Fuck..”


	26. Feels like spring again part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 is complete, and I hope I haven't missed too much as I edited it. Now there's only the last little chapter left, it's a short one (thank god we're all thinking) and I had hoped to have cleaned that up as well, posting them at the same time but it will only be a little delayed as a sudden dinner happened to get in between. It's more of an additional little touch to complete the ending and I'll be cleaning it as soon as I get the time to do so (shouldn't be more than a day or two) and then, we're all done with this one. I'm holding off replying to comments because at this point, I don't trust myself with what I'll say, so yeah.  
> Enjoy ~~

He felt the fabric between his fingers, eyes trailing down to the t-shirt, he’d unknowingly brought it with him, last thing he’d remembered it had been in his lap while he was trying to get his words through the thickest and fucking most stubborn brain he’d encountered. He’d probably grabbed it as he’d stood up, now noticing the strained edge to the fabric, he’d twisted it, must have gripped it hard. If Daryl had fucking taken it to have something, then how the fuck couldn’t he just let go of his fucked up reasons and just accept it? Rick scoffed at the idea that maybe he’d have to gut himself to prove how much he wanted it, maybe if his life was running out Daryl would finally fucking admit that he cared, that he loved, because he wouldn’t get another chance to voice it. But fuck, he’d just said he’d accept it, he’d just seen that tell-tale observation of Daryl’s, that the next time Rick got close, there really would be blood, would strike like lightning, fast and merciless, he wouldn’t be able to win a fight like that but fuck if he still wanted to try, if that was how it was going to end, then so fucking be it, he’d have done everything he could then, just, one.. two.. three deep breaths, the wind sweeping foliage in the distance. Back in the ring, one last time, he’d fucking do it, he’d postpone his promise just once more, then he’d have to follow through on giving up as much as he’d be following through going all in.

“That mornin’.” Except shit, how long had he been spaced out? Lost thinking but not really thinking at all, because he couldn’t remember a single thought, everything had just been nothing, the silence of the woods around the cabin and his own breathing. Then time had slipped for him, the t-shirt still clutched in his hands made itself remembered, he’d faded, he knew that much, faded enough that when he heard that husky voice, it had made him jump nearly out of his skin and he’d started pushing up from the step but not knowing where the fuck he was supposed to go, his anger had calmed, his hurt had dozed from shattering to dull burning, his mind, well he wasn’t sure where that was. He was bitter though, all so bitter from looking to chase after the fight that had been promised to not wanting to listen to whatever new bullshit Daryl had to say now, well at least he did have something to say, which was more than he had when Rick had needed some space.

“When ye brought coffee to t’cell..”Rick felt his body still in the motion, halfway from getting up it screamed to stop and made itself sink back down before Rick could convince himself otherwise, the tone of Daryl’s gravel hazed voice, that smooth roughness it got when he hadn’t spoken for a long time, calling him to be the one to listen after he’d spent the evening getting Daryl to do exactly that. It wasn’t  funny.

“When ye spoke, mmhm, heard yer voice, ‘n then ye looked ‘t me, ye weren’t sayin’ ye kne’ but, ye did. I remember thinkin’, _ah this one ‘s different_. Pissed me off ye did, but ye didn’t look ‘t me with accusation ‘r through a pre-cut  template fer hicks like others, even ‘f ye were new back ‘n all. Ye asked me when Rick, well, I ain’t sayin’ I fell fer ye ‘r anythin’, t’was far from that, but ‘t made ye matter, made me think ye could help ‘er, that ye’d do ‘t right, fuckin’ made me feel you was somethin’ good, that ye could be trusted.” Rick wasn’t sure he was even in reality, the voice was soft and dull at first, he didn’t even know how long he’d been sitting there but judging from his ass, he’d spaced out for too long, that much was clear. The words were reshaping the moment, his heart shattered to rebuild, to reheat and be hammered, to scream when soaked with water, then back into the burning pit, like it was forged anew by godlike smiths. He was supposed to be pissed, after getting past the initial heart ache because he’d gotten his fucking answer hadn’t he? Well, he could probably grieve and use anger as a tool to manage, but he was only feeling it fading away although he shouldn’t. He wanted to be excused enough to be petty but he couldn’t. He hadn’t ever thought it had gone that far back, they hadn’t even known each other aside from names and a vicious scene he and his colleagues had to intervene in. But as Daryl spoke he remembered it, every second of that morning from when he’d gotten up from his desk and decided to bring the man coffee, because the kid had stood at the cell and watched, she’d recognized him and after the fight had been broken down, he’d connected that.

In a way, Rick thought that maybe he should have asked himself the same question as he sat there, _when_ , as Daryl sat down next to him. Rick expected the smell of whiskey, from the bottle freed from the clutches of Rick Grimes captivity, but there was none, the hint of faded smoke was gone too, there was nothing aside from the quiet smell of nature surrounding them, the wood from the dampening porch as the sun had settled, then Daryl’s own combination of everything he lived for, Rick thought, realizing booze and smokes had nothing to do with that, they were means, but not him. He was supposed to have stormed back in, pissed out of his head, fighting to break through and here it was replaced by a light kindle of warmth because of that one reason from months and months ago and the fact that, the promised fight? It wasn’t there anymore, he’d done nothing after slamming the door shut and he was through. Now Daryl was telling him, was allowing their time to resume and evolve again, even if he was fucking late in doing so, how just one action of his changed Daryl’s opinion enough to trust Carol to him, enough to allow him, despite hating his life, to be involved, was enough to bask in that beauty he’d so well told Daryl he saw every time he looked at him, now it was becoming overwhelming. It’s what he did, when he got that tone in his voice, when he spoke from his heart, things that would damn matter to Daryl because it would matter to Rick.

“I ain’t.. been a peach, I kno’ that, shit ye told me more ‘r less. There’s shit ‘bout.. well they shouldn’t matter but I can’t help that they do, ‘n fuckin’ stop lookin’ like that.” Rick cocked his head, questioning the statement.

“Jus’ like back then, like ye kno’ but ye won’t ask me t’say ‘t. I know ‘m late, kno’ I put ye through shit over ‘n over, t’more I wanted.. this, t’more I couldn’t have ‘t.” Right, back then it had been _I know what you did for her_ now it was _he’s accepting it_ , and Rick had no damn control over it.

“You finally chose to listen?” He asked, still felt that look Daryl had pointed out, he felt it in his own eyes, on his face, still lingering, watching Daryl dip his head again, like there was still something, he was opening up to meeting halfway, but that something was holding him from anything further.

“‘t is what ‘t is but ye got kids Rick.” He said and Rick felt the first real breath of ease travel down his lungs, no constriction left, no smothering trace of lack of oxygen no matter how many breaths he tried to pull down, flowing easily down now.

“Kids who are fine with it, you know, I didn’t get the chance to tell you before. I had to sort some things out, what? It’s what I did before I went over to your place, I told Carl because I couldn’t make the decision to come here before telling him and you know where he is right now? He’s at his mothers with Judith, studying, so that I could go and convince your stubborn ass.” He started, watching the confusion grow on Daryl’s face even from only having access to the side of it, speaking without looking at Rick, it was how he could compensate with his own restrictions, make it something he could get through, it didn’t matter that he wasn’t actually looking at Rick. Then Rick watched him bite at his lip, the corner of his lip twitching.

“Shit man shut up.” He said, tinting lightly red at the top of his chin bones, nudging his head so his hair strategically fell to cover the parts of his face that would reveal his embarrassment, how it affected him that Rick’s kid was okay with it, but that were there evidently enough in this one act and the words he’d uttered.

“Ye did ‘fore..” He followed up with, claiming Rick’s previous attempt that had well, Rick wasn’t sure what he was going to call that event along with how it ended, a catastrophe? A blessing? It was all both good and bad in the same mix. As for where Carol’s words had put a crack in his defense, as for where the kiss had changed everything, as for where their argument had probably left Rick on the losing end because he knew he wouldn’t have followed through like he’d decided he’d do afterwards, as for the hospital, all of this had brought Rick to where he was, for the good and the bad.

“Well, I should have told him back then but hey, I did it right this time.” Rick wasn’t going to lie to himself that he’d skipped that important step the first time around, the moment he’d decided to go to Daryl’s he should have told his son, shit he should probably had told him even before and trusted Carl with knowing, no matter for Rick’s opinion about the difficult situation where he didn’t know if there was a chance or not.

“And he also told me he’d be there if I needed him, only a call away.” Rick watched how Daryl smiled, heard how his brain thought that Carl was a good kid behind that thick forehead of his, never having to say it because Rick could see it.

“So yes, he’s fine with it. Did you..?” He asked, the one last thing he did before he’d come outside, the reason why Daryl was probably letting everything Rick had tried so damn hard to tell him sink in.

“Mmhm, he’s fine with ‘t.” It was Rick’s time to be confused, asking if Daryl had actually read the letter while getting an answer like that, wondering what had been written inside yet deciding he wasn’t ever going to ask, because it was something between them and he found himself releasing the moment of confusion, accepting the answer for what it was.

“.. And you?” He asked instead, they weren’t out of the depths yet, the small fragment of hope he’d held on to for so long had both grown and crumbled multiple times since Daryl had come back, he’d learned that it had that ability the hard way, it was stronger now, from the memory of their first conversation, or well, it had been pretty one sided but nonetheless, a conversation, but it had yet to transform from hope to certainty.

“Why ye care ‘bout t’letter Rick?” Daryl asked, his fingers working over something in his hands, it caught his attention as he worked the question around his head, the answer was simple really, he’d half given it already, most likely part of his answer had been the reason why Daryl had gone through with reading it like Rick had asked him to.

“Because it mattered to me, that you let it matter to you, and, to him. Avoiding it, well, it was dealing with it like you were used to, letting it lay until you forgot all about it. I don’t know, it’s just, someone like Merle sitting down to write you a letter, it made all the difference, I wouldn’t bet he was someone to ever do something like that, which only meant there was something he needed you to know and it was the only way he could tell you at that point. No matter what happened between us, I couldn’t let that become nothing.” He voiced, falling into the silence that followed along with Daryl, it was comfortable, without the strain or the heartache or chaos they’d been dancing with these last few days, where silence would be a cruel moment of _never going to_ , something you had to drown in while fighting.

 “.. And you?” He repeated when the words left his tongue from the natural silence between them, like they were meant there. Daryl shifted his hands, fiddled some more with his fingers before he eventually revealed a piece of wood, angling it in Rick’s direction, only half presenting it to him.

“What is that, is that horns?” Rick asked, trying to get a closer look, didn’t try to take it as it wasn’t completely offered yet. It was freshly carved, not finished at all but there were the basic structures.

“Mhm, kinda ended ‘tween a stag ‘n a wolf ‘fore I kne’t.” Daryl turned the thing between his fingers and Rick heard _I’m fine with it._ The piece of wood, the fact that it had been the thing Daryl had done instead of grabbing his bottle of whiskey, the fact that these tiny creations were something that meant more than most could express through words. No wonder Rick would get a look on his face, when Daryl did shit like that, even more so when Rick could only hear the words unspoken when he twisted the little sculpture between his fingers _‘cus_ _they both suit you._

“My ass is hurting from sitting here I don’t know how long, kind of lost my senses trying to gather myself enough to fuck, I was going to go back in because you.. and all this time you sat inside carving this while my stomach probably won’t ever recover?” He asked, feeling warm enough, daring enough, his words sounded rough but they held no spite.

“Should’ve kept that promise ye made t’yerself.” Daryl replied, huffing half of a laugh, making at least a little fun of Rick for making it in the first place, only for it to end up with him spacing out long enough to taste the wood in his ass.

“I never said I made it only to myself, I made it to your brother too.” He confessed, saw the shift next to him as Daryl turned his head, not completely but enough to look at Rick, that speechless lost moment completely touched and captured by Rick’s choice of action in a way Rick himself wasn’t prepared for, the way he held his breath like breathing it down would have it stolen from him completely.

“Hey, I told you, I took care of things before coming here, I needed to do that, I didn’t know I did until I had parked my car at the cemetery though. You should really keep driving me, I don’t think I’m safe in traffic anymore.” And Rick could swear he could visibly see the words _he’s it_ that had been everything for and against this thing between them.

“Shut up.. so’s.. ‘f I don’ get dumb ‘n waitin’, ‘n jus’ went ahead ‘n invite ye in, ‘n kiss ye, that would be alright?” A little more, the turn, completely facing Rick again and Rick felt locked into the moment, the words Daryl spoke, the ones he himself once had said, so precise like Daryl had gotten them burnt into his essence the day Rick had said them, he felt himself smile as he knew the answer to that one.

“ _If you want to, prolly yeah.”_ Then Daryl just kept looking at him, deep eyes full of every small connection they had made over the time, as much as every large one, every single one of them equally important. Rick was blushing by then, his face felt hot, right fine, it was corny, with Daryl looking at him like _that_ , like he’d felt before, like he himself was the only thing existing before that gaze.

“I know I know, shut..” Rick started, ready to wave the building embarrassment off and good bye, thought to spare Daryl the trouble of telling him to shut up by doing it himself because that’s what he would have answered, except it wasn’t and Rick was caught in a twist of emotions thundering in his chest as Daryl reached for his neck, he wasn’t exactly graceful, not particularly gentle either, but Rick instantly knew he didn’t have to be, not after getting yanked close enough to have their breaths collide, not after feeling Daryl would be when the lips placed themselves softly on his own waiting ones. The initial pull doing what Rick hadn’t done all those months ago, like he couldn’t stand to think something could interrupt before they met but as they did, he needed it to be tender, soft and speaking every whisper and scream he’d held back, that this, could stop the world from moving.

“Think you got the order wrong.” Rick breathed after the rush soaring in his head filtered through the ability to speak again, at least enough for the faint whispered words that managed to sustain themselves from the loss of any coherent senses that seemed to have been swept like a rug pulled from his feet.

“Nah, I didn’” His voice still had that hazy touch to it, the one that sent Rick’s roots shrilling along the touch of Daryl’s fingers tracing his hairline at the back of his skull, trailing them through his curls like a long lost longing. Rick felt those fingers latching gently, felt the hold express the very thoughts that had passed through Rick’s head when he’d left Daryl in his bedroom, that once he’d come back after showering the earth would have swallowed him gone, his reluctance to leave as close to the reluctance in Daryl’s fingers to let him go, like Rick would disappear if he did.

“Alright.” Rick was the one to lean in to chase him right back, grabbing at his elbow to scoot him closer on the step that had killed his ass for the last, shit he still didn’t know but fuck, maybe his ass was hurting and maybe it wasn’t anymore, he couldn’t feel it, it wasn’t relevant when they got that close together, not when he could taste Daryl’s lips without them retreating, feel the melt after that one simple word, like the hallway from his apartment painted itself right back but had never ended like it did. For the second time that evening Rick climbed over Daryl’s legs, but without the foul bitterness from harsh words being traded, without being fueled beyond thoughts that the only way was through because Daryl was too good at the game of taunting for his own survival. Shifting, aligning, Daryl’s body slid a notch on the step of the porch, tugging Rick’s along with him messily as his back caved over the top of the step and down onto the porch all the while keeping Rick’s lips close enough to his own, he grunted when Rick sat back up, tightening his fingers around the curls to keep him in place before he had to let go when Rick didn’t stop. He looked like he wanted to fucking growl at Rick for interrupting it, until he realized Rick was pulling him up again, pulling him off the edge of the top step that had dug into his back but which pain he’d neglected so he could deal with it later. His face grew conflicted with the same embarrassed and shy unease at the unknown feeling of being tended to, cared for, the moment where he found himself without the time to properly process his instinct to reject and the buried want to accept,  enough to make a comfortable decision. It was still there, that engraved side of him, the one that had softened, although more often than not he’d chose rejection, yet it wasn’t as strong as before, his time spent with Carol and Sophia, evenings spent with Rick and his kids, time had enabled change, had enable a chance to let them tip the scales.

His choice was made when he sunk his head into the crook of Rick’s neck, slumping his body close into Rick’s chest, breathing as Rick rested his own against Daryl’s mop of hair. He knew it sure would make an amusing sight, two grown men sitting like teenagers after half a make out session on a porch and they were certainly too old for that kind of thing, but he didn’t want to be anywhere else, wanted Daryl to have this moment to feel it, to take it and Rick, he wanted to be with him together for that.

“When did ye get s’ stupid t’fall ‘n love with me..” Daryl mumbled, Rick felt the vibration of his voice trail gently against his neck, almost making him shiver, the very sentence making him smile while his arms sought to wrap themselves around this body so tightly tucked to his own. Forgetting he’d been wallowing in hurt and anger just before.

“When you were stupid enough to give me every reason to.” He replied, the answer being so simple, so obvious, there was no hesitation when he’d said it. After a moment of soaking every warm ounce of the words, Daryl snorted before confessing.

“Yer ‘n idiot.” And Rick could only think the same.

“So are you.” At that, Daryl raised his head, his fingers detangled from the hairline at the back of Rick’s head, like they finally felt safe enough to let go, trailing around to lift Rick’s chin just slightly with his index finger, kissing him once more with enough time to express all the apologies he could find in himself for all the shit he’d ever pulled. Rick could only try and remain, to not be overwhelmed by how different it could be once the man was honest with himself. In a way he shouldn’t have been all too struck by it as he was, he’d seen glimpses of it, had been on the receiving end at the restrained honesty, knew it was there, only hidden. But he was anyway, struck like lightning because it whispered to him completely unleashed, how he’d never been any means to maintain, rather how he’d really been the only thing keeping the man together when everything was falling apart. In a world where their differences, their own issues, the deceit upon others as much as themselves, where the honesty that lay beneath and had been spoken as much as silenced while being both heard and ignored, had left them right where they were after enough struggles to doom them before they had even gotten started because of one man’s thoughts on the matter, they’d finally been released from the clutches of uncertainty and found their answers.

Rick followed as Daryl started getting up from the stale wooden step to the porch, climbing off and getting pulled along into the cabin again, led through the hallway, smiling when they kicked off their shoes because of the shoe rule, smiling when Daryl left the stolen t-shirt in on the slim shelf between his own room and Merle’s old one after he’d somehow managed to remember taking it with him, feeling nervous when Daryl hesitated by his bedroom door, seeing how the other man was feeling the exact same thing and feeling the tug of his hand again after Daryl had been the one to shyly duck his head. He’d never set foot inside Daryl’s bedroom, only caught sight of the door as it had stood ajar, but he’d never actually been inside of the room. Now he was, invited, led along until he found their positions turned and the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed. He was guided to sit down, to edge himself into the bed, watching Daryl take a breath before he reached for the hem of his own t-shirt, then Rick realized what he was doing.

“You don’t have to..” He started as he reached out to still Daryl’s hand, knowing what he’d done before, how he’d pushed and he felt guilty enough about it. The clear fear or losing your mind, what you’d be capable of doing, Rick could understand that fear Daryl had kept with him for all his life better now and what the aftermath could cause you to feel.

 “Ye kno’, she told me once, that I had no reason t’hide. I didn’t wanna understand when she did, said some shit ‘bout happiness, t’shit she said, t’shit he.. t’ damn shit ye pulled..” Rick didn’t want to be reminded, how foul he’d become out of ugly desperation and anger, and yet he couldn’t deny that he would have to carry it as his responsibility for the rest of his life, remembering. He closed his eyes, like they would help lessen the pain of that guilt.

“Ye wouldn’t have gone through with it, what ye said.” Daryl reassured him, although Rick didn’t think he deserved to hear the words.

“Shit Daryl you don’t know where my head was at.” He’d been honest to god scared of how his sense of reason had vanished at the end, the push up until then had been one thing, desperation at its ugliest but passing that border, not knowing if he’d been lying or telling the truth about it. Daryl touching his face freed him from the darkness, opening his eyes.

“Ye wouldn’t have, I kno’ people like that, ye ain’t one ‘f ‘em ‘cus ye wouldn’t be able t’ look yer kid in t’ eye after, ‘n no world would ye ever risk that, yer not like that. ‘s why doin’ that shit, ye were jus’ tryin’ t’ reach. What she said, I think I get ‘t now, ‘cus yer it ain’t ye?” Rick watched his hand clutch tighter onto the hem, how his back still held a tight stiffness to it, how it still made him uncomfortable but how he didn’t stop despite Rick telling him he didn’t have to, how every fiber of him expressed what he was thinking, he wanted to try. So Rick let his hand retreat, remembering the one and only time before, buttons popping and fabric pooling at the sides leading to the most embarrassing moment in his life, letting Daryl take the time he needed, slowly raising the hem, exposing firm skin over the muscles of his stomach he’d seen that one time, higher bare chest before pulling it over his head. It looked to be taking everything he had, jaws bitten together and the moment of relief when Rick didn’t reach to touch aside from guiding him around so he could lay down on his back.

“’s alright, I see you.” Rick whispered, unknown skin shielded by the mattress, irrelevant as a promise for their never dying _later_. Daryl bit at his lip, fighting his lack of confidence with the trust Rick bestowed upon him, reaching to pull Rick down closer to him, tracing them right back to the porch but with Rick’s head next to Daryl’s while he guided one of his hands along with Ricks, trailing feather light to the side, just above his hip letting him know Daryl wanted it to be alright, that he didn’t want to hide anymore. Merging into the forced exposure from before, that which Rick felt guilty about but as for the moment, seemed to be the very importance on why Daryl was able to confront his demons. Daryl shuddered when he dragged Rick’s hand around the side, raising his hips to slide them between skin and mattress then he just held Rick’s hand still, adjusting to the foreign sensation, eyes half hooded.

“Couldn’ get over lovin’ ye, never stopped thinkin’ while I’s driving across t’country, was prepared t’live with that when I got back. Told m’self I wasn’ wrong, used yer kindness, ‘n then, ye didn’ let me anymore, pissed m’off, fuckin’ ripped everthin’ I’d built ‘cus I didn’t have anythin’ when that didn’ work. Frustrated me, ‘cus what was I supposed t’do with that, with nothin’ left t’tell m’self?” He spoke.

“Except sittin’ there, letter ‘n m’hands, I realized ‘t I didn’t have t’, not after ye walked into m’life, not ‘fter ye changed everthin’bout ‘t. Thought I kne’ what was best fer us, was s’ sure until ye asked that damn question, so’s I read it, yer one request, some damn advice, fuckin’ hit me, lettin’ go would be t’ one mistake I couldn’t survive.” His voice carried softly, husky and reverberating next to Rick’s ear, almost as if wishing he could make himself shut up but at the same time wanting to go on forever, the depth of his words, how they conveyed that it wasn’t about what he could find to tell himself anymore, it was about everything Rick had told him and everything Daryl had yet to tell him, a lifelong quest he’d fulfill for as long as he was granted the time to do so. Rick felt how Daryl shifted, reaching to lift his head not unlike the very motion Rick had done on the porch, everything was so similar, mirrored, the gentle lift asking Rick to look at him.

“Although I’s got nothin’f that left, I don’ want ‘t, not when havin’ ye ‘s everythin’.” Rick was it again, the only thing visible in those blue eyes, the sensation tingling his every fiber, filling and echoing every thump of his heart.

“I see you..” Rick repeated whisper quiet.

“I want this.” Daryl replied. Rick’s chest was swirling of affection, words reaching his roots and blossoming, feeling like spring again, dipping his head to have his lips meet Daryl’s, slow but passing every emotion that couldn’t be held back anymore. For someone that had the ability to be so fucking difficult, he could be so clear through pure honesty once he let loose his restrictions to care and love, making it mean all that much more, it really could be so simple. Rick melted into the kiss anew, he’d once thought kissing Daryl was something, being kissed by him was something else entirely, but kissing when everything had been stripped and born into the open, that was beyond anything. His fingertips had remained even as Daryl’s hand had left his, trusting Rick, should he want to reach and feel his cause for self made chains, nerves jumping, skin shivering, sending every electrified pulse straight into his pads. Rick didn’t explore, being trusted with the choice to do so was enough, rather he chased the hand that had left his, bringing that wrist to his mouth even if it meant a moment of not kissing, he was gentle when he pressed his lips to the side of the wrist, avoiding the bruised skin, his heart cutting as the skin passed his eyes.

“Maybe ye picked up ‘n that hobby anyway.” He softly said and Rick, well Rick didn’t know what the fuck to do, except he snorted before he knew it, shifting his eyes while his fingers crawled up over the palm of Daryl’s hand to knit theirs together.

“Fucking, this is not the time to..” He started, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe it, feeling both amused to the point it was almost shameful and robbed straight out of the moment, Daryl and having his fucking timing to actually sound teasing, then Rick realized he must have been having one awful look on his face.

“I kno’, but ‘s why ‘t had t’ be now.” He said. Daryl was usually one to fiddle with his hands, could be anything really, Rick had seen him unknowingly pick up a stray piece of whool string which had been butchered over the course for two hours during a movie, he was still doing it, moving their fingers together and he probably didn’t even think that he was. But he was thinking of what he’d said, why he’d said it, teasing or not, ripping Rick out of his train of thought, just one look, all so warm and telling, no matter the foulness because of emotions stirred from anger and desperation that had been the cause of the damage, Daryl could only see the one fact, that Rick had let himself be driven mad because he hadn’t wanted to give up.

He never detangled their fingers as he pulled their hands down, removing them from sight and leaving them to feeling, fingers, palms, connection, how Daryl’s hand tightened his nest around Rick’s when he kissed Daryl again, how his breath slipped past his lips like he’d just hit his head too hard and was spinning all dizzy.

“I wanna..” Rick started, hearing his own voice deepen, visual evidence being removed, but the thought still circling in his head.

“Rick..” Daryl started protest, voice chopped off as Rick ground his hips against Daryl’s.

“I do, not because of what I said before, I wanna feel you, nothin’ else.” He continued, even feeling his own accent dipping, one more roll of his hips and Daryl was tugging at their joined hands and Rick let himself be pulled by the motion until his back hit the mattress and Daryl climbed on top. There was the hint of a request in him, one that would have stated his case if he’d managed to follow through on his protest, but he was letting it lay at bay for the moment.

“Jesus.” He’d probably shaken his head too, if he hadn’t detangled their limbs, if they hadn’t both started reaching for their pants to release the buttons, feel air and body heat against clean and free skin. Rick knew he’d gone from the thought of wondering how Daryl had ever managed to put his mouth on his cock to actually asking the man to fuck him, and he wasn’t even questioning himself, fuck if he even needed to. Well, one theory was that he hadn’t had to use those words.

Daryl spared Rick the kissing dance of chest and nipples after their clothes had been tossed in various directions, he didn’t seem to have much of an interest in that, he seemed more intrigued by Rick’s hips, the soft pad of flesh just on the inside of the bone, making Rick’s skin jump as his tongue pushed across it. Rick always thought his overall senses with sensitive spots had been pretty dull, but then again, Lori had only ever kissed his neck or gone as far as his collar bones, so how would he have known? He felt his breath moan itself out of his mouth when Daryl scraped his teeth gently over the soft flesh, feeling stupid to ever have repeatedly compared things with her when it came to learning about this with Daryl, it was nothing alike, she had nothing to do with it. Everything between him and Daryl had.

Didn’t matter that it felt strange how the drawer rattled, how the bottle cap echoed and feeling fingers _there,_ not with what he wanted, not with Daryl whispering murmurs of nothing that made shit sense, with one hand trailing over skin and not when he stopped those whispers, the distraction of sweet lips around the head of his dick mentally jolting him unaware of the finger slipping past restraint. Only after a few tight bobs did Rick start feeling it and Daryl wasn’t even moving his hand.

“Ye okay?” He asked, lifting his head from well, the head. Shit it really did feel strange, but it didn’t make Rick want to stop anyway.

“Yeah, ‘s alright.” He mumbled, trying not to jerk when Daryl’s finger did move at that. Shit, right, the reaction, he was going to screw himself over if he didn’t mind what he was saying. Except he only felt tempted to test that limit.

“Ye tell me ‘f yer uncomfortable.” He was, but he wasn’t, it sure didn’t feel as good as Daryl had made it look, at least he thought that maybe it was a matter of getting used to it, so Rick promised he would say it if he had to. In the end, it really was a mix of the two, the strangeness along with the pleasure of lips and tongue sucking, working him open slowly, the want and need to do this regardless.

Rick cursed slowly, a southern drawl like curse after he’d goaded Daryl, aiding him as he aligned himself, not even knowing how long the man had been working on him up until then because time had become something hazy, he’d never been able to succumb to the rhythm of Daryl’s mouth, he’d just started losing himself. Even though the stretch was burning, even though Daryl halted because he wasn’t ignorant to reading Rick, he’d be damn to let him retreat. Rick had grabbed at the back of Daryl’s skull, finding purchase in his hair to keep him right where he was.

“Breathe with me.” Rick asked, asked him not to fight Rick’s wishes even if he could feel Daryl really wanted to.

“Breathe with me alright?” He requested again, playing it a little foul but shit, he could stop it anytime, burning or not he was feeling Daryl, he wasn’t about to let that go to waste. When Daryl finally gave in, he did so with a thick inhale, slow enough for Rick to join him, then they exhaled and inhaled, and exhaled, everything slowly deepening. Rick pressed his head down into the pillow once Daryl was almost bottom out, inhaling slowly once more to just savor the sensation no matter how weird it was, his fingers playing with the hair now that he could loosen his grip.

“Rick common..” Daryl held still.

“Just a moment longer, shit I don’t think this is for me but it doesn’t mean I never want it to happen again, sometimes I’m going to want to feel you again like this, so don’t look at me like you’re hurting me, feeling you like this couldn’t ever do that.” And maybe he would get used to it at some point, but even if he didn’t, he’d still want it, not for waves of pleasure but for the raw desire to love and be loved.

“I know, I know.” He reassured, relaxing his legs from keeping Daryl locked to him, letting him ease out, watching his eyelids half fluttered shut. He’d make them real, could feel the impatience to reclaim what moments had fallen into the lies and have them reborn for the truths they had been. Rick would give that to him, the one request Daryl had laid aside for a whim of Rick’s, knowing that both of them knew that the two of them been of equal importance. His heart sparked at the loss of connection, growing hungry to deliver that request, reaching for Daryl’s hips to tug him closer. Their times before, they’d been real but had gotten clouded along the way, by lies and reject and now they needed to be reassured, that they’d always had times of intimacy that no matter what had been said and done, had become something to grow trust and love. It was what Daryl had wanted, to reclaim that which he’d sullied.

Rick didn’t swap their positions, he kind of liked the thought of this raw vulnerability exposed to just the two of them, unlike their first time born out of desperation and hurt, the need to chase back a feeling of safety and control, this, weighing above him like this, having it push down on him, yeah, he really liked it. So he let Daryl stay where he was, watched as he batted his eyes away when he realized Rick wasn’t going to toss them around to pin him back down into the bed, growing somewhat shy to be on display but he wasn’t trying to escape, trying to let his years of starvation start eating its regular meals of affection. The overwhelming mix of wanting it so bad now that he’d let himself taste it and trying not to choke on claiming too much, evident in the way his eyes closed while Rick put more pressure on his fingers, dipping into the firm skin of hips. Rick didn’t ever want to think that he could have lost this man, he truly was beautiful.

He watched how different it was from himself, watched how it was melting muscles and sanity once Rick had taken in his fill and clumsily patted one hand around the bed to find the bottle, fumbling on the sheets because he couldn’t take his eyes off the man above him. The damn thing had been evasive and in the end, Daryl’s lips had twitched he’d and guided Rick right to it. Rick was half sitting, closer to Daryl’s face watching how he hadn’t felt it like he was, how Daryl’s lips half parted from fingers tracing gently at first, how he’d ground his hips down with the first slide of one knuckle, searching for that edge while trying his damn hardest to not rush himself, nor Rick. Even if they wanted to, even if they were hungry to make up for lost time, there was this same urge to take it just as slow, as if rushing was wasting as much as their fear or carefulness of truly confronting the other. He could feel the deep yet light breaths passing through those lips, how they brought a low hum dancing along with it, he knew Daryl wasn’t someone to make a lot of noise although he could make some, but they were always kind of leveled, this mysterious sound was surreal, how it even managed to form, he hadn’t heard it before but it sounded like promises of devotion, sounded like his very honesty that could rip Rick into pieces before he even knew it.

They moved together, it wasn’t much really, slowly fading from the world but remaining all so real with only the other to see. Working, stretching, Rick found his hand touching over Daryl’s chest, hazed sense of mind, receiving the heavy beats of his heart, still yet strong. Daryl’s head would dip every now and then, fighting the urge to rest it down on Rick’s shoulder while feeling his fingers move inside of him, because as much as looked to be drowning his eyes on Rick, he was letting Rick do the same, that it mattered that they bore witness. Shit, Daryl even had a light smile on his lips and Rick felt he had one too, making him irresistible, so he kissed them, kissed the smile, his hand feeling every bit of skin as he moved upwards on his chest, dragging the tips of his fingers over the collarbone, then out and out, over the shoulder, down his arm, down from his hand onto his thigh, feeling the thick muscle strain comfortably as Daryl lifted himself up. Rick didn’t have much say in it, the click of the cap sending a rap and dazed snap through the room before the sound disappeared into nothing again, limbs moving, pleasurable wet pressure sliding around his dick, limbs moving, every trace of fingers so precise before heat engulfed his member and he was sure that it wasn’t just his heart that stopped once he was inside.

For all the talking, both shit spouted and pure honesty of declarations and confessions, there were no more words as they moved, slowly sliding, Rick pushing, meeting Daryl’s hips pushing up before coming down. They didn’t need any more words, not when they could speak like this, not when they could convey and feel everything without them. Gasping, that mysterious noise Rick couldn’t figure out how he was passing with every breath was deepening despite their rhythm maintaining the same, no rushing, just heavier, more and more sanity lost to this silence between them, robbing them of the world but stealing every fiber of their presence to themselves. The lift and pull seducing them with every roll of hips, shaping the place that would be real after everything, shaping them anew as two people joined together.

Rick felt the rush building and yet, they weren’t chasing it, not when they had chased enough already as it was, they were letting it settle into them. He’d taken them around then, one arm slid around the lower of Daryl’s back, the other at the back of his head to lay themselves down, feeling himself slide deeper when the man parted his legs further with kisses and lost tongues never ceasing,  that low hum becoming almost guttural. No cursing, just the roll of hips, sweat slicked skin, and messy lips swollen, Daryl wrapped a leg around him, pinning him stuck, close, inside when Daryl tightened around his dick. He thought his lungs had collapsed, along with the silence from the man beneath, breaths stopping like time had ceased to exist, felt a sliver drop of warmth out of nowhere on his belly before it started chilling, before Daryl gasped down a new breath of air like he’d physically died for a few seconds and shit, the way he was clutching at Rick, not only around his dick, maybe he had. Rick was gone then, leg hooking him in place, the vibrating nerves that had tightened muscles around his dick, just, fucking gone before he even had a moment to send a jolly thought to the lady of consideration to pull free, not with the leg holding him in place like he was never even meant to.

The room was heavy when it started coming back to him, he’d managed to slide himself to the side, shuddering pleasantly from a hand running up and down on his arm, popping goose bumps all over his skin. The smell in the air, thick, now he wasn’t feeling the thump, but he could hear it through the skin his head was resting against, he kept his eyes closed just listening as the rhythm steadied, knew his own was merging with it, finding the same tempo to beat to and he smiled when he heard that the low hum was still there, muffled, but still there, the after wave of contentment. He knew his skin was sticking to Daryl’s, or the other way around, sweat and even the smudge of cum on Rick’s stomach, although Daryl probably had the worst of it, drying slowly in the damp air. He didn’t want to move, not with the soothing strokes lulling him between the here and the lost and they didn’t, he figured it didn’t matter really, if they were messy like that, he could fall asleep regardless, if they could stay like that. Rick wouldn’t remember if the hand stopped moving or if he fell asleep before it did, it didn’t matter, because they stayed.

* * *

Just a few days previous, the morning sun had been offensive as it shone its light in Rick’s face. It wasn’t at all like that this morning, it shone gently, caressing his face with warmth when Rick felt his consciousness poke around, pulling him awake when the mattress shifted from weight. Opening his eyes, before him, he could clearly see every line of marred skin. They stretched plenty over the back facing him, basking in the same warm sunlight, as if Daryl had made the choice knowingly, that if he was letting Rick see it, it wasn’t going to be through dim light bulb light in the Georgia night, that it would be like this, completely bared open. He didn’t know what was worse, feeling them or seeing them, but he knew they didn’t change a thing. Daryl had said that he didn’t think that it should have mattered really, not after such a long time but he wasn’t ignoring the fact that they still did. They were a part of him, but Daryl was still the man he was regardless, he’d become who he was, someone beautiful and kind instead of succumbing to the acts of hatred, so Rick just twisted himself halfway up, leaning his head down to place a kiss at his hip.

“He wasn’t kind, my pa.” Daryl spoke softly and slow, had that hazed voice again, just like the night before on the porch, sleep riddled from just waking up. Shit, they’d slept together, woken up together, _staying_ together. Rick wasn’t sure how he’d describe the feeling despite the words Daryl had said, this moment of intimacy, they were simply, together.

“Got that ye figured some shit out like ye said, ‘fter what ye did ‘n then, shit that never mattered fer ye, even ‘f they do fer me.” He continued.

“Ye kno’, ma was worse. She’d read us stories ‘fore she died, she’d sing sometimes, tell us things, she’d make us believe shit, just ‘fore she’d take ‘t all away, make us feel like we were nothin’ but a waste. Wasn’t much fer violence she was, not with ‘im ‘round. Kne’ tho’, she liked t’watch us break, so’s she could twist us again, tell us sweet words. At some point we stopped knowin’, what we were, me ‘n Merle. Loved, not loved, think we’s even forgot the word fer a long time. Until she died, ‘n she couldn’t sweeten us back again. Always hated us she did, couldn’t much win against our pa ‘n we were jus’ somethin’ that happened ‘cus ‘f ‘im, so’s until she set t’house ‘n fire, tryin’ take us all with ‘er, she broke us. I wasn’t.. I’s gone fer a long time, Merle he, he fared better, only reason I didn’t burn down with ‘er, pulled me out. We watched ‘er burn down with t’house, felt nothin’. Didn’t change our old man ‘n t’ shit he did but, his pain was easier, he never tried t’make us think we were loved, didn’t fuck up our heads like she did, he jus’ hated us, ‘n a way he was honest like that, plain ‘n simple. Merle was all I had, ‘n I was all he had.” Rick couldn’t deny that the words were sickening him, the way a parent could treat his or her child, having two of them doing it in different ways, with only a brother saving your mind enough to try and survive, such people shouldn’t have been allowed to live to begin with. He’d thought he’d be somewhat prepared for it, figuring it out, feeling it, seeing them even, but there was no such thing and he’d probably known that even when he’d been thinking what he had. He didn’t speak, because he didn’t have to, not if Daryl was talking about it, it meant he’d truly understood that Rick loved him, that telling or showing wouldn’t change a thing, that Rick could find it in him to find a small piece of gratitude because no matter it all, it had brought them together, while at the same time, he wouldn’t ignore the fact that it would have been a blessing for the brothers, had they never been born, even if it meant he’d never met them.

“That ain’t the case anymore, ‘n strangely, I feel ‘t ease, this..” Daryl finally turned around, leaning down to kiss Rick.

“’f course, but also, ‘cus I can imagine ‘er in my head, watchin’er crumble, seein’er realize someone could love me, ‘n that I could do t’same, when she couldn’t.” Rick remembered his words from the night before, how he knew people who were capable of hurting without a consequence to think of, how he had every reason to not hold what Rick had done against him, how he saw what had caused it all and how he could be so sure that Rick wouldn’t have done it, that he at some point would have snapped out of it before it had gone beyond saving. His faith in Rick’s pride as a father, the love he held for his kids, Daryl could see things like that because he knew exactly what the opposite looked like.

“I jus’.. wish Merle could’ve..” He started softly, words falling apart as he tried to find what to say but failing to do so, taking a moment to focus on the things that remained, his memories and the part of his brother that would never leave him.

“He spent his life tryin’ t’ keep me ‘n my feet ye kno’, when he could, ‘s why I’ll never blame him fer t’times I’d t’fend fer m’self. ‘s why he’d butt heads with ye, but ye were right, he came ‘round, so’s I’ll jus’ have t’take what I got, ‘cus I got more than I ever thought I‘d have, he’ll never kno’ but he did too.” He continued and Rick had to twist his face down into Daryl’s pillow, his face was heating up, from emotional turmoil of everything he felt for this man, from making something so simple as a statement Rick had made made into something so meaningful, glancing up from a half visible eye how Daryl’s lips twitched in the light smile it held, feeling himself do the same, his eye following Daryl’s hand as he nestled his fingers into Rick’s hair, scraping lightly at his scalp.

“I’ll probably spout shit again, but fer the next times, I’m countin’ on ye puttin’ my head straight on again, ‘n I’ll make fuckin’ sure it’s within’ reach ‘f ye do that fer me.” _Next times_ , Rick liked the sound of that, liked the way Daryl’s fingers felt against his skull before his free hand put the little statue on the night stand, he must have fished it out from his pants when Rick had felt the mattress shift.

“Ain’t finished ‘cus we’re jus’ startin’. Got plenty ‘f time t’get there.” Daryl turned the wolf, or stag, the creature with a rough cut of horns at least, the symbol of the future he wanted to have with Rick.

“Alright.” Rick replied, or, well more whispered because he was drifting, felt how Daryl stilled with hair all around his fingers before he stretched his thumb to stroke the pad against the bearded chin bone.

“You did it again.” Rick managed, turning his face straighter up again, letting the pillow take the weight of his head while he watched Daryl turn his away.

“Common.” Rick had to try and not laugh like a teenage girl when Daryl more or less, not so gracefully, manhandled him up from the bed. He’d stumbled onto his feet when he was put down on the floor, getting pulled along toward the bathroom, he noted he almost got distracted enough to forget about it.

“Hey I want to ask you something.” Rick continued, ignoring the way the last bit of dried.. specialties, crumbled from his stomach.

“Get ‘n first, yer disgusting, I’m disgusting, more so than ye ‘n ‘sides, missed out last time ye offered.” Daryl said, more or less steering Rick all the way into the bathroom, now complete with joints, cabinets and the silvery shower mixer placed on the wall. Rick hadn’t thought the man would be one for glass walls, but they were certainly there. He wanted to protest, but well, the way Daryl had said it, it wasn’t like Rick hadn’t missed out himself because Daryl had chosen not to join him that time and if the offer was on the table, he was definitely taking it.

The water started pouring icy cold as Rick turned the handle, sticking his hand into the stream while he waited for it to warm up, hearing how Daryl was ruffling through the cabinet for an extra towel. He probably hadn’t bothered to pack another conveniently close after remodeling the bathroom into the home he was now alone in. The water was turning lukewarm, then it grew pleasantly hot for Rick to step into the stream, joined by Daryl not long after. It was big, the shower area, larger than a normal one, probably made for a spacious but not too grand shower alone, made for a perfect fit with the two of them.

 “When I say that, why is it you get this look or you shift your head or anything, there’s always something, like just now in your bedroom now your hand stilled.” Fortunately for Rick, he’d been too curious to be distracted enough to forget about it, seeing it so many times, those things Daryl did, how he had tested how it affected the man, he just didn’t know why and he’d been wondering for a long time now.

“Mhm, when ye asked me _when_ , wasn’t the only one, back ‘t the cell, was t’first one tho’.” Daryl started and Rick cocked his head questioningly, pulling his hair back with his hands as the water was dripping from it. Daryl opened his mouth before he closed it again, motioning Rick to turn around, Rick did with some reluctance, not really wanting to but willing, humming delightfully when Daryl moved in close behind him, a light kiss on his neck.

“Was t’ same but mhm, different. ‘s what ye kept sayin’, ‘t t’hospital. Only shit I heard when.. ye kno’, that word kept filterin’ through, only thin’ I could hear, nothin’ else, made m’find my way back again, ‘s like I could hear ye tellin’ me to breathe through ye, to keep on doin’ ‘t,  like the only thing you ever wanted to do was make me whole again, fixed. Calmed me down, kept me from really fuckin’ up, may say I fell fer ye, not in a pretty way tho’, quite messed up ‘n fuck I think some part ‘f me got that you were one who could pull that off, even ‘f I didn’t see ‘t.” Rick felt Daryl’s chest push against his back.

“Make’s ‘t beat, when I hear ‘t.” Rick closed his eyes then, just feeling, tracing that thump through his back, through the spattering sound of water drops that was becoming non-existent. Rick thought that maybe the reason why Daryl had fought as hard as he had, through his convictions, was because he’d come to know exactly what he was feeling. To be able to express himself like this, now when he’d finally let himself have something for his own, something for them, he knew the words, like he’d been hearing them forever, engraved, repeated, almost like they’d been a torture in a way, all until now.

“Alright.” Rick breathed, smiling and smothering a laugh when Daryl pinched him in the side for fucking with him, but ultimately, Daryl leaned against Rick, letting him support his weight, like he was doing exactly what he’d said, breathing through Rick, with the _thump, thump, thump_ reverberating against Rick’s back.

Their shower was slow after that, taking their time with soap, lathering each other up. Daryl washed his hair and Rick washed Daryl’s, passing lazy kisses and lingering limbs but keeping it fairly innocent. It was far from lust, but basking in the simple satisfaction of affection, affirming security and touching the intimacy of doing nothing yet relishing in how it was everything all the same.

“What ‘bout work?” Daryl had asked with Rick’s hand around a towel making a mess out of his hair because apparently, for today, neither of them was capable of doing anything on their own. It was silly, stupid, but Rick loved it, just one day to savor it all like that, with surely more to come but just letting the one day be different. Daryl made a fair point though.

“Shit, it’s early isn’t it? You’re always up at the crack of dawn, still have to pick up Carl and Judith though, unless he wants to stay another day at Lori’s, I’m sure he’d love to have another day off from school. You?” Rick removed the towel, satisfied with his work of turning the mop from wet into damp.

“Mhm, got some days, Dale told me to keep t’fuck out until I got m’shit together.” Daryl replied, reaching over to the sink to grab himself a fresh pair of boxers, handing Rick a spare pair of his own. At least they drew the line somewhere, say that pulling underwear on was one of the things they were actually capable of doing on their own.

“He did not say fuck, that much I can tell.” Rick stated, knowing the old man and not finding that word to be included in his vocabulary, not even with a pissed off Daryl wrecking the shop and doing more damage than he was actually fixing, which sounded like a suitable reason to be banned from the garage but would never be the case between Daryl and Dale.

“Fine, he didn’t, may as well have tho’. Gotta mhm..” Daryl admitted, pulling his pair of boxers on, right, it had been pretty bad then and yet, but nothing they couldn’t get past and yeah, he’d been told to take a few days where normally stirring shit would get you fired. Dale wasn’t like that though, Rick knew that much, he was all for chances to those who’d earned it, those he thought deserved it and he wasn’t one to throw in the towel when he knew better and Daryl would never cause any real harm to the old man, shit, he’d probably cut a limb off for him and Rick thought, it was kind of sweet, and a fortunate meeting for not only Daryl, but Merle had been part of that as well.

“Talk t’ Carol, skipped out ‘n puzzle Tuesday. ‘n yeah, apologize even ‘f she don’ kno’ why.” Daryl continued after working the words around his head, finding them difficult to process judging from the pause he’d taken. It explained the first thing he’d said at the door though, why he’d expected to see Carol there and not Rick.

“Can write you two letters of confirmation that you’re good to go.” Rick suggested, as a tease of course to lift some weight from the heaviness of the matter, which was what Daryl had actually said to piss Rick off enough to succeed, yet letting it remain because it wasn’t something Daryl would neglect to do, Rick just didn’t want him to succumb to the pit it had surfaced from the night before. Carol would understand, she always did, shit she and Sophia had been a chaining link to keep them all together, them, Merle, they’d all become part of it.

“Shut up.” Daryl made grabs for his towel, tossed it on Rick straight face on before he made his escape from the bathroom.

“You’re being silly!” Rick shouted after him, stepping into the boxers, well.. he guess he wasn’t much better off buck naked shouting that.

“Ain’t t’only one.” He heard through the open door, well, Daryl seemed to be on the same page regarding that.

“Ye want meat ‘r meat?” He heard after, rolling his eyes while making his way to the bedroom, stopping straight in his track at the slim shelf, lips twisting wide. He came back from the bedroom with his phone as Daryl was putting a piece of butter in the pan.

“Thought I’d borrow this also.” Daryl was staring at him, well, the t-shirt mainly, then at Rick, then back to the t-shirt.

“Common ‘s yers, ye ain’t borrowin’t.” He managed to cough out, clearing his throat and turning back to the pan, knifing through meat and tossing the pieces into it. Every one of them sizzling from contact with the heated metal. Rick thought about checking the fridge, but figured that it was most likely empty at this point, just the meat, maybe a bottle of milk but probably nothing aside from that and the butter, unless Sophia had been over.

“It’s yours just as much by now.” He said, unlocking his phone but turning his eyes up when he got nothing back.

“My my, you turnin’ shy on me Daryl?” He teased, he could also do the word game, his memory wasn’t as good but he sure did remember every one of them when Daryl repeated something from before, this one he knew though, knew it to the roots of his heart.

“Right, ye’re not gettin’ breakfast.” Daryl said, ignoring Rick completely when he chuckled.

“Mhm, indeed I am not.” He continued, reading the text his son had sent, amazed that Carl was even up as early as they were, even Lori didn’t wake him up that early, asking him how things had gone, he wished he could have said he quickly typed a reply, but well, he wasn’t that good with his phone, better than Daryl at least.

“Yer kid?” Daryl asked, stirring the meat in between filling water into the brewer and adding the measures of coffee.

“He was wondering how things went.” Rick put the phone down on the table, enjoying how Daryl shied away without replying with the obvious answer that it was, the tips of his ears shading in the stead of missing words. Rick couldn’t resist joining him at the stove, taking in the smell of the meat close by, the smell of their freshly showered scent and being allowed to just take his fill in the close quarters, trying to get himself to believe this was going to be available from now on.

“Here.” Daryl stuck his fingers down into the pan enough to grab an edge of a piece, waving off some heat before he offered it to Rick. He could tell the taste of deer by now, Daryl’s own recipe for smoking it.

“You’re going to spoil me.” He hummed around the bite, licking the juice off his fingers because even as perfect everything was, feeding each other was a bit beyond both of them.

“’m gatherin’ points fer when I’m gonna piss ye off.” Daryl casually stated.

“Is that what you’re doing huh?” Rick replied with a chipper tone, knowing it was most likely partly true, right next to the perfect excuse it made for his obvious shyness.

“Why don’ ye stop bein’ a smartass ‘n grab us mugs.” He continued, waving the spatula like he was threatening to use it against Rick if he had to.

“I could argue you’re the one being a smartass, I’m enjoying it though, ‘cus it’s sweet that Carl asking is making you twist like that.”  Rick chirped, but making good on the request, grabbing them mugs and putting them on the small table.

They were half the breakfast down when his phone dinged again and he picked it up, mug resting against his lips, Rick took a sip as he opened the text in all of his innocent belief expecting a reply from Carl. It wasn’t and he could barely contain the coffee, shit he was sure some even slipped out and back into the mug, only happy enough he hadn’t spit it straight out. Now he wasn’t the best at these new introductions on a phone, he’d be smoother on a classical button one like Daryl had, but an eggplant and two thumbs up emoji’s from his dearest and long term best friend who knew about them, maybe soon to be ex friend, that, he did get.

“Carl that little shitter.” He bit out, flaring red all over. How the fuck had that ever happened, they both knew but they wouldn’t have known the other did, yet one text from Carl and him replying had Shane send that to him, _THAT_ , a fucking eggplant.. The worst thing was he felt the stare, the questioning look of confusion from nearly choking or half spitting out a mouthful of coffee and his short fired phrase regarding his son.

“I should probably tell you.. Shane kind of knows.” He confessed with all the reluctance he was capable of, because shit, it wasn’t something Daryl would appreciate was it? But it was better hearing it now than hearing about it later, ripping the band aid so to speak.

“T’fuck ye mean with kinda.” Daryl’s chair even scraped two inches on the floor through his reaction, his mug leaving a heavy but dull clunk as he’d put it down with no restraints on the use of force.

“He figured it out, after Judith and everything when I was spending the day there, I didn’t tell him if that’s what you were thinking, at least I thought he knew but I misunderstood him and it was too late at that point, honestly I only told Carl, would you believe me on that?” Rick asked, Daryl didn’t need to be fine with it but Rick did want him to trust that he wouldn’t have told Shane unless Daryl had been okay with the idea to do so. It took him a moment, a moment of glaring before he corrected his chair right back when he’d chosen his option, mouthing a _fine_ which was, a fucking relief, shit maybe he really was gathering points for when they would really matter.

“Fuckin’ hell.” Daryl muttred, yet he was trying to work over the foul mood, Rick could see that, when he’d glance back at Rick every now and then to check up on him, make sure he kept a lid on himself for once to avoid causing any real damage.

“He’s being supportive, believe it or not and that’s without Lori knowing because I asked him not to tell her, but at some point I’d like to do that.” He continued with care, wanting to make sure that Daryl knew he wouldn’t do it without permission from him, Shane had been an honest to god accident, Lori wouldn’t be, as long as the two who knew kept their mouths shut until it was alright to tell her.

“If you’re ever comfortable with it.” Rick added. Daryl lifted his mug again, turning his eyes away enough to let Rick know he would at least consider it, for a later time.

“Supportive m’ass, nearly chokin’ ‘n coffee, lemme see that.” Daryl said after he’d taken the time to process, reached and poked his finger on the display, never grabbing the phone.

 “T’hell, ‘s jus’n eggplant ‘n tumbs.” Daryl threw his eyes up from the screen, confused at the redness that was forming on Rick’s face.

“It’s a dick Daryl.” Rick explained, watched how Daryl looked back onto the message, saw how the gears were turning in his head until he was painting the same color as Rick before he hid himself by ducking enough to plant his forehead on the table.

“I know.. the only dick right now is Shane.”  

* * *

_At the table left forgotten, Rick passed the white sheet of paper. Looking at it with curiosity, he couldn’t say it wasn’t tempting. For the moment, he was alone, for the moment, the letters were right there, a stark contrast of black scribbles on white paper. He’d walked around the couch, his fingers touching the corner of the paper, then he lifted it up, turning it in the air, letting it fall letters down, back onto the wooden surface._

_Nope, it really wasn’t his to read._


	27. They're alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh. Where do I even begin? It’s finally a wrap, I seriously, this last chapter, I had never planned it. It was something that happened as I worked on number 25 and 26, because I somewhat knew how I wanted them to go and then, my brain added this to that, so I made those three last chapters instead of two.  
> So we’re through my first Rickyl fic, for some reason I decided to jump into writing this ship going straight for a long slow burn instead of getting adjusted to a few one shots to get the hang of it, but I’m an idiot and confused, so heckidihell. But here we are and it’s done. It’s given me so much joy, writing this, as well as some pain because some chapters have been bitching real hard on getting finished.
> 
> I’m pretty sure I had a lot more things to say, but my brain is kind of shutting down from actually processing that it’s done, this story is complete and I somehow managed to get through it, it’s going to be weird to not have this to write on, but luckily, when I get the inspiration, I will be able to write something new so we still have the endless sea of Rickyl’s, whether it’s by reading or writing on our own. 
> 
> So last thing, I want to thank those who’ve found this story suiting them, it’s been a blast to have been in this together with you. (Of course, a small shoutout to MindyMN for getting killed a few times through this story and still surviving, you’ve done a fine job!)
> 
> Once again, if you’d like to chat TWD s10 as it’s soon coming or talk Rickyl fics, I want to expand my social list on that end so I’m: Missnöjd#8114 on discord if you wanna poke me. I’ll be responding to the comments soon™
> 
> Thank you again, it’s been a pleasure <3

_“Rick.. before you go. How are things at home?” She asked, concern weighing in her face, well, Rick guessed he must have been shitty at hiding it. He could see it though, why Carol had suggested he’d go to there, when she’d be stuck at work for a few hours longer, Lori still knew him, even if he tried to keep the bumps away from them. So despite never actually having decided to confide in her, letting the ease and joyful conversation about their kids give his mind a moment to stretch, he found himself thinking it was really nothing he should ever even have hesitated about._

_“It’s been.. rough these last few days. He’s been trying to keep it away from home, staying at his cabin.” Rick replied._

_“How bad was it?” She’d said, putting his mug in the sink because it wasn’t going to be a long lived social visit._

_“Half a bottle of whiskey at least, before that? I don’t know, think he was at the bar, it’s two years now since his brother.. today, that is. Anyways, thank you for the coffee and take care of the kids, I really should get going and kick his ass for doing this again, as he’s doing his part of the promise, I will do mine. And then, I hope I can think of something to change this time of the year for him.”_

* * *

“Ye should’ve been t’one doin’ this ye kno’, puttin’ me ‘n this spot, even dead ye’re a pain ‘n t’ass.” Daryl snorted, tapping a finger on his smoke to snap off excessive ash.

“Except he doesn’t mean that, he’s more than happy to, just embarrassed.” Rick followed, amused grin on his face.

“Ye don’ listen t’im, he’s full ‘f shit, got rid ‘f one shit jus’ t’get another, ain’t that funny?” Daryl continued, all mean words but they held nothing but affection.

“Think we can both agree that your brother is the one full of shit right?” Rick spoke, directing his words to the stone, knowingly glancing at Daryl.

“Man would ye stop teamin’ up with ‘im?” The man protested.

“I won’t, because we’re on the same side, can’t win against us Daryl.” And Rick knew he couldn’t, that despite the displays this moment, would always be something precious to them.

“Can’t believe this.”  Daryl muttered, shaking his head, hiding his smile.

“Alright, gotta get going soon or we’re going to be late, meet you at the car?” Rick asked, it was routine by now, how Daryl went alone a few times over the year whenever he felt he needed to calm himself through his brother, how sometimes, fewer times than those, Rick would join him there, just like he’d dragged Daryl’s ass to the cemetery when the third year mark hit, when he’d found the one thing that saved them from the worst, it had become an annual moment together after that, on the marked day they always went together. Didn’t matter which one of them it was, whenever Rick joined him, they all ended the same, Rick would go get the car, leaving Daryl to have a few minutes on his own, this time was exactly the same.

“I’ve been wondering, every time you come walking to the car, you always have that same look on your face and so far, I’ve never asked but.. I am curious, what you say to him that gives you that look?” Rick asked, waiting at the side of the hood, viewing the soft features of Daryl’s face when he let a chuckle pass his lips.

“Took ye nine years t’ask that?” He questioned and Rick shrugged, nine years of either getting an answer or not, didn’t exactly matter but today of all the days, he’d thought why not. Even after years, moments like this, still took Rick’s breath away, when Daryl held on his answer, held this heavy affectionate gaze in his direction and Rick just waited. He got a kiss on the parking lot, with the ever comforting silence of the graveyard surrounding them, much like the silence whenever they spent time together at Daryl’s place, a kiss, then a smile, but not an answer just yet.

* * *

_"Daddy!” Her voice shrieked while everything else fell silent, the panicked look on Daryl’s face saying it all._

_"Did she just..?” Rick asked._

_“Shit Rick I think she did, shit, fuck, make me stop cursin’ already, what do I do?!” Daryl was holding her like a foreign object, fear striking through him from being called that when it shouldn’t have, he’d already been for over three years now, whether he liked it or not. Rick eased her out of his stiff hands, setting himself down next to Daryl and placed her into his lap while she worriedly looked between them, not understanding why the fun had ended._

_“Alright, alright, so she loves you, you can deal with that now, can’t you?” Rick voiced, slow and steady, watching Daryl’s breathing fall into the tempo of his voice, just like he’d said that night, how he could breathe through Rick. RIck held her still tiny hand up, waited for Daryl to collect himself before he settled his finger into her grasping tiny ones._

_“Guess she wasn’t going to let you off the hook in the end, you better get used to it, she’s not the only girl that will make you panic and there won’t just be one or two times.”_

* * *

Daryl had walked down the aisle, his suit fitting perfectly in dark colored black. The farm had been quiet, his arm angled, with the neat hand holding gently. She’d been beautiful, as they’d walked to the altar Hershel had prepared, where he’d left her to her future, taking his place at the side, Rick standing next to him wearing the dark shade of red Daryl liked him in along with a matching black suit of his own. The air was warm, held excitement and calm at the same time, enhancing what everyone was feeling as the moment was coming closer and closer. She’d received the vows and she’d spoken her own, of an undying promised future, her voice holding steady with her will to build everything to the man in front of her. They’d held their fingers out, they had thread the rings on and been declared husband and wife. Some would argue it was early, but Rick and Daryl, weren’t among them. Neither was the rest of their family and not her mother. Carol had cried, it was the first time Rick had seen her do that since the now young woman that had just become a wife, had been a scrawny kid, lost in the woods. But Carol had been happy, for her daughter’s sake.

“Can’t believe she’s married now, I mean I get it but, my little girl.” She’d said after. Rick had offered  her a tissue, smiling and knowing he’d be the same when his kids ever got married, but god forbid he even thought of Judith doing that yet, god forbid he even thought of her becoming a teenager and getting interested in boys, or girls, he wasn’t one for judging for a long time now. But at least he knew, even if he’d reject the thoughts of that for a while longer, that when it did happen, Carol would be the one offering him a tissue. The gruff to their side would probably roll his eyes all the same, while shoving down whatever threat to watery eyes that he could because Daryl didn’t cry and he’d kick Rick to his grave if he ever told anyone he’d sure as fuck seen a glassy shimmer on his cheek when Sophia had looked up just before her vows, one look, the pure devotion.

“She found a good one, I’m sure he already knows I pulled a background check and I am sure Daryl already threatened to break all his bones if he ever makes her cry.” At least the guy had been clean, nothing in the records, a civil and mannered guy from Atlanta who worked as an electrician. He’d been part of a support team helping out after a major storm had hit one summer, wrecking the lines with trees and branches and their stay had been extended after a second, not as bad, had come not long after and they’d happened upon each other during his stay.

“Damn straight I did, a couple ‘f times.” Daryl wasn’t even ashamed to admit it, he’d done it before he even knew it, every time had been the same, his protective urge flipping a roll too many because his worry for Sophia ever being hurt got the better of him.

“Jesus you two..” Carol played along, shaking her head.

“Well, I wouldn’t expect less, there’s a reason I still keep you around after you two managed to finally get together, the eternal protection of my daughter, my noble knights you two are.” She continued, proudly lifting her chin with her theatrics.

“Ye kno’ yer kid once said they’d done this backup plan right?” Daryl spoke, as if he’d just remembered it and it had slipped out from the relaxed and joyful mood between the three of them.

“A what now?” They asked in unison.

“Yeh, that ‘f they were both like, a certain age they’d hook up.” Daryl explained, growing unsure if he should have said it, that maybe Carl had meant for it to be a secret, or if it was something Daryl should have known the parents preferred not to know.

“Our kid said that?” Rick picked his words carefully, waiting for Daryl to shade up in red because that reaction? It had yet to change.

“I’mma find some fuckin’ grub.” He said, dipping his head, covering his eyes with hair that Carol had definitely combed after they had arrived at the farm, still it did a sufficient job as Daryl made his escape.

“We’re having this conversation later Daryl.” Rick shouted after him, chuckling.

“It’s so easy huh? You know you’re the perfect amount of evil Rick.” Carol hummed, like a proud mother hen, because Rick knew exactly how to put Daryl on the spot if he so wanted to, after the Judith incident, he’d found that ever referring to them as their kids would stir all kinds of emotions inside his man, all the best ones that lived inside of him and not only because of the reaction he always got, Rick liked to remind him.

“Well, I learned from the best didn’t I?” He replied, smiling full honest in her direction, knowing that he’d picked up a lot from her over the years.

“Flattery will get you nowhere.” She clearly stated, still proud though.

“You know, I almost can’t believe it either. It’s like it was yesterday he came home freaking out because he’d just found out she liked someone, him and the thought of her dating, well, you weren’t spared either, then again.” Rick paused to laugh.

“When she ambushed us at the door, thought she was just coming by but she’d set it all up to introduce him to us, jesus Daryl was acting like an idiot and now today, he was just perfect, like that had never happened.” It had involved a plentiful of foul words, an index finger the man would most likely never forget and Sophia doing the most obvious mental face palm Rick had ever seen. In the end she’d pulled him into Rick’s kitchen until he’d calmed down, she’d bit him down quite harshly and Rick had barely heard Daryl respond, he remembered thinking she was certainly Carol’s daughter.

“Bet he wished she’d stay a kid forever.” Carol spoke, fondly and Rick knew in her own way, she probably wished for that too.

“Because it would be easier to deal with.” Rick joined her words and Carol tucked her shoulder closer to Rick’s and tilted her head down to rest on it, they both knew him.

“You know he found a good one too.” She said, she didn’t even look at Rick, she didn’t have to, she just chuckled.

“Yup, still easy.” Rick was shading the same red as Daryl, as his shirt and Carol damn well knew it.

“Evil woman, but you know I did as well.” Well, he could fight the war later again.

* * *

_“Said some shit, t’piss Rick off, shit I never meant ‘t but I shouldn’t ever have fuckin’..” Daryl was finding some words, found some way to put them together, they weren’t perfect, he wasn’t good at that, somehow he’d managed with Rick but he was not at a loss again._

_“But you’re good?” She interrupted him._

_“Carol lemme..” Daryl tried again._

_“Are you good?” She repeated, unrelenting._

_“He’s it.” Like a damn confession, his heart skipping a beat, how good it felt to say it._

_“Then we’re good, doesn’t matter what shit you said or if you feel bad about it now Daryl. Would you look at me?” She asked once he’d turned his eyes away, placing both her hands on his cheeks to direct his attention back to her._

_“We know, we don’t dig into it, but we know, I won’t hold it against you. Now common, we’re behind on puzzles.”_

* * *

“So this is where you ran to hide.” Carol came, wait was she skipping? She looked to be skipping, that bewitched twist of a smile on her face, something was happening, he could tell with her.

“Didn’t wanna smoke with ‘em people ‘round, get t’smell ‘n their clothes ‘n, as thanks t’ Hershel fer leding ye t’farm, t’least I can do ‘s smoke over here.” He explained, felt himself put some mental armor on in his growing paranoia, grilled chicken club in one hand, smoke in the other, a smidge of grease in the corner of his lip. He was watching her, narrowing her eyes as she settled into her place next to him. It wasn’t Rick’s balcony or hers for that matter, yet it was all the same, being like this, the two of them.

“You know, four days in my life, are the ones I’ll remember forever and hold so close my heart will attach to them.” She said, snatching his freshly lit, probably second smoke, smirking at him when it took him far too long to realize she’d just taken a smoke, she was puffing on it, she was actually fucking smoking.

“The day Sophia was born, the day you made me think about our future, the day you could look so damn happy and damn destroyed at the same time, because of some shit you said that I will never ask about, and then there’s today my girl, is married and she has the best people in her life. As a rule, we don’t do this, but today is an exception, I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you, none of us would but I don’t know if I would have been anywhere at all, you and I both know there’s no certainty, living in that. But today I got to watch my daughter get married, I got to watch you walk her to her future and I know you think it shouldn’t have been you, that he should have been here. You know he had me promise to take care of you? He had me promise even though he knew I already would even if I had to cut someone down.” Daryl had to lit another smoke of his own, he’d let her have that one, shit he didn’t know she smoked but apparently, the occasional puff was something she allowed. Smoking relieved him half of the reality her words spoke, the other half, well that one he made himself listen to, for her, for Rick too, he’d gotten better at making an effort to listen when shit mattered.

“And she had you walk the steps that could have been his, I’m admitting that much but you’re going to shut up about it. In a way though, you two did it together, so I think it turned out alright in the end.” He thought so too.

* * *

_“I know I know Dixon, I’m a dick, now here take this, and humor me.” Shane handed him a beer, a beer that apparently was suspicious enough for Daryl to treat it like poison, or maybe it was because Shane had touched it. Rick didn’t know, he was amused though, because they were still standing next to the cooler with the colorful stripes and balloons surrounding them making it all the funnier. Things were better, after he’d seen Shane retreat back from the car one day when they’d been picking the kids up, he’d worried like hell that shit had been about to hit the fan, or when it would, until he’d hopped in the car and Daryl had told him that it was alright to tell Lori, if he still wanted to. Even if the hostility still remained, it was closer to friendly bantering to keep up the show. They would drink beer like that, on birthdays that their families celebrated together, Rick knew because no matter the theatrics, he knew that relaxed frame of his so well by now, that deep down, there was no real discomfort._

* * *

It had been a relatively small wedding. Rick had watched his son kiss Sophia on the cheek, hugging her his congratulations, ever close the two of them were, he didn’t think they’d ever had a fight, not that he knew about at least and not Daryl either for that matter, there wasn’t much they didn’t tell each other nowadays, as promised when Daryl had his moments, Rick was there to set him straight, as much as it had been a one sided promise to begin with, it had later on grown mutual on the few times they’d argue about various shit.

“Shane.” Daryl offered the whiskey bottom covered glass which the man gladly took, taking a quick sip.

“’s a truce, today.” Daryl explained while Rick observed the raise in Shane’s eyebrow for the friendliness they didn’t normally tend to.

“Thanks, she looked happy, that you gave her away.” Shane said, glancing at Daryl who ducked his head, sipping from a glass of his own. Rick watched the exchange, wondering how he’d missed that they’d at some point gone from last name basis to first name.

“Think she looked happy ‘cus she found a good man.” Daryl defended himself, ever the one to reject credit, but taking more so as time let him, just like the make shift relationship hostility with Shane was softening as they went along.

“Doesn’t mean he’s wrong though.” Lori chimed in, appearing from nowhere, causing Daryl, barely able to contain it, to finally admit defeat and have the shaded blush spread over his ears. She was careful when he kissed him on the cheek, had taken a lot of time, but they had all adjusted, become part of each other’s lives and now she was allowed to show her care for him as a part of their family.

“Guess ‘t doesn’t.” Daryl replied.

They slowly sipped on their drinks, Daryl even chuckled at one of Shane’s jokes and Rick couldn’t keep himself from glancing at him as he, although through his usual reserved manners, participated in the gathering . At one glance too many, because Rick couldn’t stop himself from being amazed, for feeling the warmth throughout his body, truce or not it was happening, Daryl turned to him when the rest had gotten distracted by Judith.

“He was right, long ago. Being with ye, means we’re family too.” He said and Rick thought of the parked car outside Lori’s house, Shane walking back from it.

“Don’ mean I’mma let ‘im kno’ that tho’, yet.” Time was really a blessing, with the right people.

* * *

_“I was wondering when you’d finally come around to visit, I’d like to take the chance to say the tractor is still working nicely, really, I thank you for the job you did with it, even as late as it may be.” Hershel and Daryl shook hands, firm grips and a pat on the shoulder._

_“’s no problems, part ‘f t’job.” Daryl replied, with that polite speech he’d had with Lori almost, the first time he’d actually spoken to her, the only thing missing had been Daryl calling him Sir or Mr. Green._

_“Still, I want you to know.” Hershel continued._

_“Dale speaks highly ‘f ye, Sophia and Carol too.” Rick found it quite cute that his man felt the need to reciprocate some form of confirmation or compliment, or just pure out saying it because he respected the man._

_“And they do the same about you, Rick too, already knew about him though.”The old man glanced over at Rick after telling on him, well, it was the kind of heart to hearts that grew long because they didn’t see each other too often and when they did, they made sure they talked about the important things as much as they picked tomatoes, cleaned the fields or repainted the buildings._

_“I’d be happy t’help out ‘f ye ever need ‘t.” Daryl offered and Rick knew he really wanted to._

_“I appreciate that, now common, let’s see if we can get some food going, help them out inside to start with.”_

* * *

“I can’t say how grateful we are that you accepted to host this.” Rick looked at Hershel, they were all gathered, the Greene family, Daryl, Lori, Shane, with Maggie and Glenn's son attached to Beth cooing at the child, with the mild festivities around them, Carol and Sophia were further off to the side with Carl and Judith, talking while doing some kind of pretend dancing with the fresh husband watching his wife fondly.

“Oh Rick I was more than happy to, those girls have been welcome since their first visit. Actually, I’m the one that wants to thank all of you, for letting me hold Sophia’s wedding here, it’s just a farm more days than not, but occasions like this, it’s gives the place more than the meaning of home.” Hershel said, making the life on the farm all that much real and warm to them, the beautiful lanterns shedding its glow along with the setting sun across the yard.

“I think that’s exactly why she wanted it to be here.” Rick said, feeling those very words warm him all the way through.

“Not every farm gets to hold two weddings you know, never thought it’d happen again after Maggie and Glenn, not to mention it gave my Bethy a reason to come back home, I was starting to think she’d forgotten about her old man, going off to college, being too busy to come visit , independent as ever.” Hershel chuckled at the face his daughter made, Maggie following suit.

“Dad, you’re being dramatic, you know I’m coming home after I graduate and I call you every evening. Besides, I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. Been missing you all, especially this little one.” Beth turned to cross her eyes at the small bundle in her arms.

“And he missed you too.” Maggie chimed in, poking her finger at the tiny little stub of a nose belonging to her son.

“Ain’t that right, life‘s dull with just mommy and daddy and no auntie Beth myes.” She continued, turning her voice all silly along with Beth rolling her eyes at her sister.  
  
“Hey Daryl.” Glenn started.

“Nope.” He simply cut him off, working side by side with Glenn’s parental daily worries was well enough for him to deal with, didn’t stop Glenn from snorting at him, shaking his head at the unspoken agreement that he could get back to worrying when they were back at the garage.

* * *

_“Maybe we should go to the spa together, get mani-pedis, can gossip, talk some shit, get face masks!” Carol was enjoying herself way too much of this one simple fucking request._

_“Man shut up, jus’ help m’out will ye?” Okay, he’d been pretty close to turning around, tucking the tail comfortably between his legs and just give the fuck up on the one single idea he’d managed, something he wanted to do for Rick._

_“Yes dear, you know I will. Okay so the first rule.” She said, raising her finger to snap his attention forward, she was all kind and shit, this woman, but Daryl knew she’d be a tough teacher. Yet he took her hand when she held it out._

_“Watch your feet, stepping on toes is not what you want to do.”_

* * *

The music had been playing for a while, one of the guests of honors standing at the front of the stage, violin tucked to her cheek, the stroke playing softly along with the band. Rick had been caught off guard when he’d seen her, white teeth blinding smile, dreads covering her delicate and strong shoulders, the stunning long dress and was obviously there for the wedding but he hadn’t expected to see her. He soon learned that Carol had called her up, not at all to ask about the music but to simply invite her, then Michonne had wondered, then offered and now she stood, spreading beautiful music over the farm while the guests were dancing.

In midst of the crowd, a place Daryl surely wouldn’t normally want to be, he melted into the steps. The first dance had traditionally gone to the newlyweds, then after that the rest had taken the floor Hershel and his family had built with Rick’s own. The one pair stood out, obviously, as Rick’s jaw half dropped when he caught sight of them, Daryl, Daryl fucking Dixon dancing, properly so even, carefully leading Sophia through the music and he couldn’t stop melting from how happy they looked, surrounded by friends and family, the joyous occasion, their ever strong bond together since all those years ago, simply enjoying this one moment.

“Well I sure never expected to see that, that’s one hell of a surprise he cooked up for you.” Rick reciprocated the hug Sophia gave him after they’d finished the dance. Daryl was catching his breath and it wasn’t because of the tempo of the music, rather he looked to have been trying as hell to get through the entire piece without fucking up.

“Actually Rick, he asked mom to teach him so he could dance with you, I just added that, the condition for her doing so, would be that he gave me one dance at my wedding.” Sophia proudly proclaimed, laughed when Daryl stuck his elbow in her side for the traitor she was. Meanwhile, Rick had enough trouble to properly process what she’d just said.

“He sure did.” Carol chipped in, waving to Michonne who was taking a breather and a sip of water up on the stage before she looked back to Rick, smiling knowingly because she’d been a fucking part of it this whole time, would explain some of the random smirks she’d have from time to time though. Now though, that knowing smile was just for him, reassuring that it was in fact the truth and they weren’t just messing with him.

“Daryl you..” He halfway stuttered.

“Common Curly, Carol made sure I won’t be steppin’ ‘n yer feet.” Daryl held up his hand.

“Rick Grimes, may I have this dance?” And Rick placed his in Daryl’s, hells yeah he could have it.

The world flew by as they took the floor. Rick noticed the difference from him and Daryl there, to Daryl and Sophia, how he merged into Rick’s lead, having learned both roles to the dance so he could do this, today, with Rick. Daryl was keeping his eyes low, glancing up every now and then, warm blues, red tips of ears, nervous nibble on his bottom lip from time to time. He’d never thought there’d be a day like that, hadn’t even thought about dancing after they’d started their lives together anew, and yet now, he was bursting with love, shit he almost wanted to cry and it wasn’t because he loved dancing or anything like that, but because Daryl had done this for them, so that they could share something like this together.

He found his head resting against Daryl’s, found them halfway into the second song, never breaking apart just re-adjusting, falling into each other, merging and moving to the slower music that had started playing. He barely had his eyes open, feeling the warmth of his man, how they flowed together, shifting their weight, how Daryl had started humming to the violin and Rick knew he did it unknowingly. He’d learned, a few years into being together, that Daryl connected with instruments like that, he’d never to hell and back admit it, but he did. Rick had barely caught it, the one time he’d left the radio playing in his kitchen and Judith had managed to change the channel while Daryl was slicing vegetables, he’d been wrapped into it deep enough that Rick got two steps into the kitchen, with that low him following a classical piano and cello piece, before he stopped through instinct. But it was a rare thing to ever manage to surpass Daryl’s awareness, that’s how Rick knew that this kind of music, set something flowing in the man’s blood.

They remained in a daze after the violin sang its last verse and the other guests started filtering around again, they remained for a moment longer, just watching the other, just being ever so in love.

* * *

_“Hey Daryl, did you change the ignition when you fixed your brothers bike?” Rick asked, eyes glued to the newspaper._

_“Mhm, had t’.” Daryl replied, just as distracted with an old clock midway through an autopsy, screws and tools littering the table._

_“But you still have the keys?” Rick absently continued his question, placing the paper down._

_“Think they’s be collectin’ dust, ‘n his room. Why?” Rick noted that Daryl had stopped tinkering with the clock, he was paying attention, starting to wonder why Rick was asking._

_“Just something I was thinking, if you don’t mind giving them to me?” He pushed the paper to the side, figured it was only proper to look the man in the eye when he asked._

_“Got ‘is bike, ‘s ‘nough, what use ‘r they gonna be anyway?” Daryl reluctantly explained, sipping on his coffee before he reached for one of his screwdrivers._

_“Mhm, that’s a secret.” Rick replied, got up and walked out of the kitchen._

_“Carl!” Daryl could hear him shout, hear the door to Carl’s room open._

_“What dad?”_

_“I need a favor.”_

* * *

He’d found Daryl later over at the barn where the cake and appetizers had been served after the feast, with Judith on his shoulders, a smudge of leftover cream stuck to his cheek and a tiny little palm the evidential cause of that smudge. She was giggling furiously while Carl stood right next to them, struggling to not grow beat red all over his face, Rick barely catching her when she asked when he was going to get married.

“Don’t bully your brother missy.” He said when he got close enough, reaching up to pinch at her nose.

“I ain’t!” She protested.

“You’re not.” Daryl corrected her.

“But you always say..” Judith was leaning over, Daryl had to stretch his arm to tug her legs stuck so she wouldn’t fall over when she tried to look at him.

“I do, ‘cus..” He started, tilting his head so she didn’t have to lean too much.

“No, there’s no such thing s a backwoods license, you can’t use that anymore!” Well shit, Rick met his eyes long enough to convey the message, he wasn’t going to save Daryl from this one when she refused to accept that the excuse, she was growing up, growing smarter.

“Alright then, ‘cus I’m an adult, that ‘nough fer ye?” She glared at him, damn kid had soaked up every bit of influence as she could, she’d even mastered the Dixon glare and Rick tried to keep himself from laughing, knowing his partner couldn’t resist that pouty version.

“Daddy, are you going to get married then?” Judith looked over to Rick, that right there with the innocent look in her eyes was the real _oh shit_ moment he’d been able to avoid for a long time.

“Alright missy, how about you go bully your brother some more okay?” Rick was quick to reach for her when Daryl started lifting her off, moving fluidly because they had stopped thinking long ago and just did, just fell in step with the other, distracting her innocence with the temptation of teasing Carl.

“I’d say she holds a point dad, but I’m going to keep my skin intact.” Carl chipped in proudly, weaving himself an emergency exit by pretending he wasn’t actually saying what he was saying, two damn kids.

“Carl, maybe she has a point, you’ve been seeing her for almost two years already.” Rick fired back, letting Daryl off the hook in the end, although Rick had expected him to be embarrassed out of his ass, he always was at things like that, wouldn’t change over the years, and yet he was still looking normal, content, calm, watching Rick battle his kids to the point where Carl heaved his sister up, her clear giggle spreading over the farm, deciding to ask if she wanted to dance instead of meeting Rick’s question.

“I swear our kids..” Rick shook his head, but he was smiling like a mad man.

“’s the same thing every time.” Daryl said, his voice carrying to claim attention, whispering in regards to the question before they’d driven from the cemetery. Nudging his shoulder closer to Rick, tucking their hands wrapped together in their small moment of privacy, the two of them finally alone together, lifting the joined fingers together and he placed a soft kiss on Rick’s hand. It was a question that had been avoided because it wasn’t relevant anymore, not really. A shiny silvery glint caught Rick’s attention, the one normally worn on a chain around his neck, the ring Rick had made for him after begging Carl to find him a video on youtube so he could test his fate with crafting. He’d made it along with his own in one brave leap of faith, parts of the logo still visible in the metal, _Triumph_.

“I tell ‘im I got people, that he don’ have t’worry, ‘cus they’re alright.”

**Author's Note:**

> I love the Dixon brotherly love and Merle for being Merle, so decided it would be a key point and true to my user name I am a very confused person, cheers <3


End file.
